Bruce Patton

Negotiation is a crucial life skill. For some, it’s inherent to being a part of society, especially with expensive purchases or haggling in open markets. For others (like lawyers), it composes a part of their professional skillset. Either way, most people can stand to benefit from learning more about the art of negotiation. Many negotiation guides seek to maximize gains by taking strong positions. However, as these authors point out, this strategy can hurt long-term relationships by show more hurting the well-being of one party. Instead, they suggest building negotiation around a mutual appreciation of fairness. This leaves relationships and reputations in tact while getting a satisfying result.

The authors make a couple of assumptions. First, most people are most afraid of being “taken” in a negotiation. They do not necessarily want to maximize their result, but rather, they mostly do not want to lose the negotiation. Second, fair standards can anchor a negotiation by framing it objectively in a proper ballpark. Instead of taking positions, parties are encouraged to do research to look for a fair result. While this decreases the likelihood of “winning big,” it increases the likelihood of a mutually satisfying agreement. (Thus, it decreases the likelihood of a “bad” agreement.)

With these goals in mind, the authors reframe the language around negotiation to help readers achieve these results. Ample examples from a variety of settings exist within this work. They coach how to deal with trying situations, like power differentials, difficult people, and adversarial tactics. They focus on long-term benefits from reputation and win-win relationships instead of just winning one contest.

Those who value the social fabric will appreciate this book’s approach. It’s goal is to get to “yes” – that is, to get to an agreement instead of dramatically maximizing the windfall. Obviously, not everyone will agree with this style of negotiation, but it has many benefits. Most of all, it encourages fairness and politeness without turning it into passivity. It’s good training (and therapy) to think through dealing with difficult negotiation tactics ahead of time. This sets the stage for real-life encounters. After reading this book, I look back on several big, past negotiations that I could have handled better. At least I’ll be more prepared for the next one. show less

Lots of really great ideas in this book but it badly needs a revised edition. Some of the off hand examples are a little too “both sides”-y when it comes to domestic violence and racism. Those specific difficult conversations as it were demand more nuance than a couple of sentences each could possibly provide. In terms of content otherwise 5/5, leaving unrated.

This is one of three texts, plus handouts, used at a Negotiation course at Harvard Law taken by students all over the university--and by people from all over the world. At the end of the course, the students spontaneously rose to give the teachers a standing ovation. It's a very popular and valuable course--and this book deals with some of the techniques at the heart of it.

And no, this is not just for lawyers or diplomats. It applies to any of those kinds of conversations that you may be show more dreading with your boss, your parents, your spouse, your children, your friends. It talks about how to have a conversation that doesn't trigger a defensive reaction so you can get at what happened. You own your feelings, without projecting how you feel on the other person and separate results from intentions. "I got angry when..." rather than "You made me angry...." Because as it says in the book: Talking about blame distracts us from exploring what went wrong and how we might correct them going forward. You need to develop a curiosity about the other side of the story and admit to your own contributions to the problem. Reframe and paraphrase back what you're hearing to defuse and better understand.

Sometimes this technique has worked as a charm. And mind you, this isn't manipulation--in the end this is all about being fair--to yourself and others. That's what makes it difficult. Occasionally I've found people it's... shall we say... frustrating to try it on. You try to paraphrase back what you've heard them say, and you get back, "You're twisting my words!" "You're treating me like a lawyer!" (Doesn't help when someone knows that's what you are.) No doubt some of the problem it might be said in such cases is that I'm not skillful enough at my end using these techniques. But, of course, the thing is people aren't going to keep to the script. (And then there's the occasional psychopath.) But yes, these techniques are helpful and often do work at getting to the bottom of things. I've gone back to this book and brushed up on the principles when I know I'm going to have one of those "difficult" conversations. show less

Getting to Yes is a book well worth reading. It presents sage advice on how to unlock opposing parties and moving to successful mediation through a variety of arenas. The authors put forth solid, experienced-based approaches that can draw conflicting agendas on to common turf. He denigrates much of the traditional approaches to negotiation and dispute resolution and shows step-by-step processes about how to focus on individual interests rather than cement ourselves down to opposing show more positions. He suggests that using an objective criteria is much longer lasting and brings faster resolution than trying to get someone to change their mind and feelings about a conflict. The authors' experience ranges from negotiations with business disputes, family matters, to international terrorist dispute resolution. show less