Nathalie's (Deern's) Tavolata 2015 - Thread 3

This was planned to be a Happy Easter/Passover/Weekend thread, but I'm a day late. Here in Italy today is still a holiday calles "Pasquetta", little Easter. :)

Jenny - I did make those Hot Cross Buns and they turned out really well! Here they are:



And to stay with the tavolata theme: here's 2 courses of yesterday's Easter menu.

Starter was a warm salad of pomodorini tomatoes and asparagus heads with ciabatta bread and basil:



Main course was an improvised vegan vegetable lasagna (and I don't lie when I say it was the best lasagna I EVER had, thanks to a recipe for basil cashew "cheeze" I took from my favorite food blog "Oh She Glows"). Despite all my best efforts with sprinkling some olive oil and fresh basil on top, it didn't photograph well, as might be the nature of lasagna, so I thought I'd better keep the picture small. The filling is green asparagus, mushrooms and zucchini which I roasted before cooking the lasagna. I also added pesto (vegan) to the bechamel, so no wonder that together with the basil cheeze it all looks greenish. It was fresh and not a bit heavy despite its certainly high enough calory content and still as comforty-yummy as a lasagna must be. A total winner which I'll make for my family the next time they're here.



I took a picture of the dessert, but it seems I accidentally deleted it. It was the least pretty one anyway. I made cheesecake filling (following the recipe of the vegetarian restaurant in Merano) with raspberries which was delicious, but didn't get out of the form well. So for the pic I surrounded it with pineapple. Still not pretty, so not a big loss for the thread I guess.

Wishing you all a Happy Spring (Happy Autumn of course to those in the South)!!



This is the Merano Kurhaus promenade, including the wuerstel/sausage stall that adds a little meat to my otherwise plants-only entry post.

******

My stats are absolutely NOT up to date, all March and April purchases are missing, some read books and also the currently reading is far from actual. My reading is a bit confused now, as I already said on my last thread - a couple of pages here, a couple there, mainly to get information. I'll try to get my stats back on track asap.

Memorable Reads 2014: (coming soon)

Last thread 2014: http://www.librarything.com/topic/181358#4967616

Jahrestage by Uwe Johnson - 5 stars
The Last Days of Humanity by Kark Kraus - 5 stars
The Patrick Melrose series by Edward St. Aubyn - as a series 5 stars, though the individual books received 4-4.5 stars only
Halbzeit by Martin Walser - 4.5 stars
How to be Both by Ali Smith - 4.5 stars
The Blazing World by Siri Hustvedt - 4.5 stars

Read, not yet reviewed:

Books reviewed here:

March:
30. Unspeakable Things by Laurie Penny - Kindle - EN - 4.5 stars
31. Faccio tutto io! Paperback - IT - 3,8 stars
32. Das Leben macht Geschenke, die es als Probleme verpackt by Karl Rabeder - Paperback - DE - 3.3 stars

April:
33. Mrs McGinty's Dead by Agatha Christie - Kindle - EN - 4 stars
34. Ab heute Vegan! by Patrick Bolk Kindle - DE - 4 stars
35. Dein Körper - Dein Freund by Anja L. Jäger - 3 stars
36. Breaking the Food Seduction by Neil D. Barnard

May:
37. And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie - Kindle - EN - 4.5 stars
38. Curtain by Agatha Christie - Kindle - EN - 4 stars
39. What Color is your Parachute? by Richard N. Bolles
40. By the Pricking of my Thumbs by Agatha Christie - Kindle - EN - 2 stars
41. The Strange Library by Haruki Murakami - pocket book - EN - 2.5 stars
42. Numero Zero by Umbert Eco - Hardcover - IT - 2.5 stars
43. Doomed by Chuck Palahniuk - Paperback - EN - 300p - 3 stars

June
44. Herzverstand by Rüdiger Schache - hardback - DE - 3.75 stars
45. Du bist Dein Guru by Gabrielle Bernstein - Paperback - DE - 4.2 stars
46. The Book of Names by Royce Llewyn - Paperback - EN - 243p - 4 stars

July:
47. The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer - Audio - EN - 4.5 stars
48. The Surrender Experiment by Michael A. Singer - Audio - EN - 3.5 stars
49. La gita a Tindari by Andrea Camilleri - Paperback - IT - 299p - 3.8 stars
50. L'odore della notte by Andrea Camilleri - Kindle - IT - 251p - 3 stars
51. Life Loves You by Robert Holden and Louise L. Hay - Audio - EN - 3.8 stars

Books reviewed on previous threads:

Here: https://www.librarything.com/topic/185107
January:
01. Sula by Toni Morrison - Kindle - EN - 192p - 4 stars
02. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers - Kindle - EN - 361p - 4.2 stars
03. Giuseppino by Joe Bastianich - paperback - IT - 194p - 3.5 stars
04. But I deserve this chocolate by Susan Albers - Kindle - EN - 216p - 3.5 stars
05. The Ballad of the Sad Cafe by Carson McCullers - Kindle - EN - 160p - 3.8 stars
06. The Artist of a Floating World by Kazuo Ishiguro - Kindle - EN - 294p - 4 stars
07. My Year of Meats by Ruth Ozeki - Kindle - EN - 400p - 3.5 stars
08. The Photograph by Penelope Lively - Kindle - EN - 230p - 4.2 stars
09. The Bookshop by Penelope Fitzgerald - Kindle - EN - 123p - 3.8 stars
10. The Secret of Platform 13 by Eva Ibbotson - Kindle - EN - 231p - 3.5 stars
11. 50 Ways to soothe yourself without Food by Susan Albers - Kindle - EN - 232p - 4.3 stars
12. Italian Neighbours by Tim Parks - Kindle - EN - 355p - 3.7 stars
13. The Talented Mr Ripley by Patricia Highsmith - paperback - DE - 206p - 3.8 stars
14. Moon Tiger by Penelope Lively - Kindle - EN - 208p - 4.3 stars
15. Wild: A Journey from Lost to Found by Cheryl Strayed - Kindle - EN - 317p - 3.8 stars

Here: https://www.librarything.com/topic/187346
February:
16. Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters - Kindle - EN - 3.5 stars
17. Can't We Talk about Something More Pleasant by Roz Chast - Kindle - EN - 224p - 4 stars
18. We Feed the World: Was uns das Essen wirklich kostet by Erwin Wagenhofer - library book - DE - 179p - 4.5 stars
19. The Wings of the Dove by Henry James - Kindle - EN - 450p - 2 stars
20.Fingersmith by Sarah Waters - Kindle - EN - 600p - 3.5 stars
21.Food: A Love Story - audio book - EN - 3.8 stars
22.A Handful of Dust by Evelyn Waugh - audio book - EN - 3 stars
23. The Invention of Hugo Cabret - audio book - EN - 3 stars
24. The History of Love by Nicole Krauss - Kindle - EN - 3.8 stars
25. Holy Cow by David Duchovny - audio book - EN - 3 stars

March
26. The Birds and other Stories by Daphne du Maurier - Kindle - EN - 235p - 3.5 stars
27. Die Welt verändern by David Bornstein - library book - DE - 367p - 4.5 stars
28. The Sportswriter by Richard Ford - Kindle - EN - 3.8 stars
29. The City & The City by China Mieville - Kindle - EN - 388p - 4 stars

PURCHASES:

January
- Giuseppino by Joe Bastianich - paperback - IT - 194p read
- XXL. 50 piatti che hanno allargato la mia vita by Paolo Marchi - paperback - IT - 182p
- The Photograph by Penelope Lively - Kindle - EN - 230p read
- The Secret of Platform 13 by Eva Ibbotson - Kindle - EN - 231p read
- The Bookshop by Penelope Fitzgerald - Kindle - EN - 123p read
- My Year of Meats by Ruth Ozeki - Kindle - EN - 400p read
- Moon Tiger by Penelope Lively - Kindle - EN read
- Friendly Shakespeare by Derek Allen - paperback - IT - 196p
- Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters - Kindle - EN for the February BAC read
- Wild: A Journey from Lost to Found by Cheryl Strayed - Kindle - EN - 317p read
- Wonach wir wirklich hungern by Deepak Chopra - paperback - DE - 249p

February:
- A Handful of Dust by Evelyn Waugh - audible credit - EN - 304p read
- Can't We Talk about Something More Pleasant? by Roz Chast - Kindle - EN - 224p read
- Fingersmith by Sarah Waters - Kindle - EN - 596p read
- Food: A Love Story by Jim Gaffigan - audio book - EN read
- The Invention of Hugo Cabret by Brian Selznick- audio book - EN read
- The History of Love by Nicole Krauss - Kindle - EN -read
- Holy Cow by David Duchovny - audio book - EN read
- The Birds and Other Stories by Daphne Du Maurier . Kindle - EN - 235p read
- The City & The City by China Mieville - Kindle - EN - 388p read
- The Sportswriter by Richard Ford - Kindle - EN - 386p read

PURCHASES continued:

March:
- Unspeakable Things by Laurie Penny - Kindle - EN read
- Mollo tutto e parto by Riccardo Caserini - Kindle - IT
- This Changes Everything by Naomi Klein - Kindle - EN
- Das Leben macht Geschenke, die es als Probleme verpackt by Karl Rabeder - Paperback - DE read
- Faccio tutto io read
- Book about managing a restaurant in Italy

April:
- Mrs McGinty's Dead by Agatha Christie - Kindle - EN read
- What Color is your Parachute? by Richard Nelson - Kindle - EN
- Ab Heute Vegan by Patrick Bolk - Kindle - DE read
- Dein Körper - Dein Freund by Anna L. Jäger - Kindle - DE

Currently Reading

- Mollo tutto e parto by Riccardo Caserini - 70%
- This Changes Everything by Naomi Klein - Kindle - EN - 11%
- Dein Körper - Dein Freund by Anna L. Jä´ger - Kindle - DE 25%
-What Color is your Parachute? by Richard Nelson - Kindle - EN - 5%

Booked 6 - last one

Challenge Lists (again trying to get as many 1,001s into those author challenges as possible):

Group Reads in the 1,001 group:
January: Sula by Toni Morrison COMPLETED
February: The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera - not participating, already read
March: Dictionary of the Khazars by Milorad Pavic

British Author Challenge 2015:
Planning to read one author per month. If there's time left, maybe also try second author.

January
Penelope Lively The Photograph COMPLETED, Moon Tiger COMPLETED
Kazuo Ishiguro An Artist of the Floating World COMPLETED
February
Sarah Waters Fingersmith and Tipping the Velvet COMPLETED
Evelyn Waugh A Handful of Dust COMPLETED
March
Daphne du Maurier The Birds and other Stories COMPLETED
China Mieville The City & The City
April
Angela Carter The Passion of New Eve or Nights at the Circus or Wise Children
W.Somerset Maugham
May
Margaret Drabble the Radiant Way or The Red Queen
Martin Amis
June
Beryl Bainbridge
Anthony Burgess
July
Virginia Woolf Night and Day or The Years or Between the Acts
B.S Johnson
August
Iris Murdoch
Graham Greene
September
Andrea Levy Small Island
Salman Rushdie
October
Helen Dunmore
David Mitchell
November
Muriel Spark The Driver's Seat
William Boyd
December
Hilary Mantel
P.G Wodehouse

American Author Challenge 2015:
I might not follow this one through the year.

Carson McCullers- January: The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, The Ballad of the Sad Cafe COMPLETED
Henry James- February: The Wings of the Dove COMPLETED
Richard Ford- March: The Sportswriter
Louise Erdrich- April: Love Medicine
Sinclair Lewis- May: Main Street or Babbitt
Wallace Stegner- June
Ursula K. Le Guin - July: The Dispossessed
Larry McMurtry- August
Flannery O' Connor- September
Ray Bradbury- October:
Barbara Kingsolver- November:The Poisonwood Bible
E.L. Doctorow- December: The Book of Daniel

Old and new Booker candidates and winners:
Moon Tiger by Penelope Lively - Winner 1978

Happy New Thread, Nathalie. We had a windy and cold weekend, too.

Happy New Thread, Natalie!

Happy New thread my dear - hoping the stunning weather we have has stretched as far as you. It's glorious here today :)

Happy new thread, Nathalie! I am still catching up with your previous thread, but I wanted to drop in here and say hello. Your menu up top looks and sounds delicious, and it's funny that you mention the "Oh She Glows" blog because I just recently discovered it!

Hoping that the week is kind to you and filled with fabulous!

Nice new thread!

Happy new thread, Nathalie!

Happy new thread, Nathalie! Your hot cross buns look yummy.... the whole meal looks wonderful!

Happy New Thread, Nathalie! I wonder that you're not finding a kindred spirit to go into some aspect of the food business.......small restaurant, truck, catering. You'd be a natural!

Hi Nathalie! I love the photos you've posted and Merano in spring looks gorgeous.
Have a good week - short work weeks are nice!

Wow visitors! Welcome to the new thread! I just updated my stats, but am not sure if I didn't forget the odd book I might have read but never added and already returned to the library or deleted from the active Kindle content. There are so many books I've just skimmed through in those last weeks that I lost my overview a bit.

I read a novel in April! I watched half the "Mrs McGinty's Dead" episode of the Hercule Poirot TV series on Friday and just had to download the book and reread it. For me it's among the best Poirots because of its simple setting, the many tracks that suddenly turn up out of nothing and also for the super-chaotic Summerhayes household. It was also among the first I read. I'll never forget the moment when he suddenly "sees the weapon", one of the most chilling scenes in an AC mystery. Okay - I was very young then and ax murders were the ones that scared me most.

Other currently readings: the Naomi Klein book keeps being the most scary and depressing book ever and I dread taking it up, though I must. I am still only at 11% and I feel like I've been terribly naive all through my life. I really hope she comes around with the first concrete action plan soon before I give up in despair and move into some electricity-free mountain hut with a garden.

Lucy: thank you for recommending the Parachute book! I started reading it and am now at around 5% fighting with myself re. the necessity of social media. I know he's most certainly right, but you guys have no idea how hard it will be for me to open up to the worlds of FB and LinkedIn. *sigh*
I don't want to be traced back here in any case.

>9 Ameise1: Hi Barbara,I thought you must have similar weather. I had a Veneziano/aka Aperol Spritz yesterday in town and had to hold my glass all the time, otherwise it would have been blown off the table. But the sun was wonderful!

>10 scaifea: Thank you Amber!

>11 BekkaJo: Thank you Bekka! Our weather felt decidedly English (or North Sea-ish I should say) - clear blue sky, the most beautiful sun, but such strong gusts of wind that it was hard walking against it. I don't remember an April in Merano when I had to wear a woolen cap outside all the time.

>12 Crazymamie: Thanks for visiting, Mamie!
Via a German blog I was lead to Oh She Glows about a year ago and it was that site that turned me from careful vegetarian to 90% plant-based in an instant. I made many of the recipes, and while I didn't love all of them*, the easy way she deals with ingredients inspired me to become more creative with recipes myself. She has managed to make that blog feel like a home to many thousands of followers. I was shocked when I read the abuse from those extreme vegans re. her decision to bring up her child not exclusively vegan and I hope she will continue her great work. There were similar comments on Amazon with 1-star-ratings for her book and some people returned it, but amazon has deleted those reviews in the meantime. I'll never understand how people can feel good distributing hate via internet towards people they'll never meet in RL, be it VIPs, politicians or harmless bloggers.

*Many were great, some had to be spiced up a bit, and 2 or 3 were really quite awful, but in the latter cases I always had to substitute at least one (Canadian) ingredient with something available here.

>13 drneutron: Thank you Jim! :)

>14 katiekrug: Thank you Katie! :)

>15 lkernagh: Thanks Lorie - the HCBs tasted SO good, I don't know how I did without them all those years. I gave two to a friend and she absolutely loved them although it was a "foreign" taste.

>16 LizzieD: Thank you Peggy! You know - that's the thing I'm following now, although I can't decide on a direction yet. And a good partner would be most important. The food theme has turned up again and again over the years and I always loved cooking for others. But a real restaurant? I'm so not a night person. Must be a different concept for daytime work.

The plant-based food added some extra joy to my cooking, because it's so uncomplicated. You can just throw things together, no egg-cream mixture can curdle and turn sour, you can't catch salmonella, it's actually liberating! :)

I am looking for more inspiration for various types of vegan/ vegetarian gastronomy and I need to travel more to taste/test and interview people. I don't know yet how far you can take things here. The vegan shop in Merano will have to close down in a couple of weeks which is very sad. The restaurant works well but makes most of its sales with the business lunches of salad and pasta.

Italians are very conservative eaters, generally reluctant towards "foreign foods" of all kinds. An American Diner opened in Merano about 2 years ago and within weeks they had to add the usual South Tyrolean fare of schnitzel and gulash to the burger menu.

So of course most veg(etari)an cooking books and restaurants as well try to recreate classics. You might be lucky to find a burger, but I haven't seen a hot dog or even a green smoothie yet on any web site, so I can't expect that if I offer the things I'd like to eat they would happily be eaten by others. In the bigger towns there are some interesting, more international concepts, I'd like to go to Torino and to Rome for weekends to test some. And to Milano, of course.

Btw. I saw a restaurant in Rome on TV that offers raw-vegan cuisine and as an extra attraction has 6 cats living there. There are shelves (some made of books or drawers) everwhere and of course they have their own room with their food and their toilets as well, and they don't jump on the tables. Should I make it to Rome, I'll definitely go there. It's called "Romeow Cat Bistrot" and their website (Italian only) starts with a Murakami quote about his love for reading, music and cats. :)

>17 cushlareads: Hi Cushla, thank you and a good week to you, too! :)

Now that would be a restaurant worth visiting!!! (the cat one in Rome!)

Many diners here have an ethnic lean - Greek most often, but also Italian, and occasionally others. It's part of being a local diner to offer the local specialty, I think. No Philadelphia diner, for example, can NOT offer a Philly Cheesesteak on the menu (Don't ask!!!!).

30. Unspeakable Things by Laurie Penny

Now this was a bit of an eye-opener. Almost too much so! The book has been published in Germany and there has been a long comment in the “Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung” on the real state of feminism that was so good I gave a copy to my therapist.

What I found in this book affected me very much, really shook me. And I loved it that Laurie Penny also considers the male side and imo with so much insight and understanding. It is a difficult world, and we arrived at a very dubious point. While many things have improved since the 70s when I grew up, others got worse, and the worse parts seem solidly cemented in the people’s minds. Whenever I read an article about women’s rights or recently about sexual harassment in the work place, the comment section is at once filled with 2 types of opinions: men claiming to be discriminated by aggressive feminists – often mentioning super-evil manipulating ex-wives who empty their accounts and don’t let them see the kids, but never telling the reasons for the separation – and women starting the comment with “I am a woman, but…” and then follows anti-feminist abuse. Okay, you find the same type of internet abuse everywhere, be it vaccination, veg(etari)anism, climate change politics, Ucrainia, TTIP. But it clearly shows that for many people equality is a concept that has never really arrived, it is something you have to live with, but something they’d abandon any minute if they could.

According to LP today we are faced with the pseudo-feminist, but in reality misogynist image of a can-do-all-super-woman who has a great education and a career, raises her kids without problems, has a fulfilled partnership, exercises her body and keeps her house clean, all with a bright smile because "hey - life is full of possibilities now for us women - and if you don't take them you're a failure!". No wonder, LP says, that many women want what they believe were the good old times back, where the duties consisted of household and family “only” and hubby cared about the rest. Maybe a little cupcake shop on the side. Super-woman of course is white and at least middle-class, the pseudo feminism doesn’t reach down to those who’d really profit from equality. Instead we get distracted by the search for new words that are gender-free and other stuff that doesn’t help anyone and on the contrary turns people into ardent anti-feminists (“if they haven’t anything better to do than rename all the professional titles/ determining quotas of women in XYZ/… then feminism must not only have arrived and 100% succeeded but now starts overruling everything”).

Penny also demasks the so-called “female job-miracle”, the fact that more young women with a degree find a job than young men, mostly in the service sector. Young women are still more likely to accept bad conditions in a work place – low wages, long hours – because they still learn to be diligent and obedient. Boys grow up with a higher (often exaggerated) self-value, they don’t accept the low-paid jobs, but then can’t deal with the reality of being unemployed, because that’s not what has been promised to them.

This is a book I’d love to put into the hands of every young woman and man and tell them “don’t let them tell you lies anymore, this is the world you’ll have to face and you should fight together”.

Rating: 4.5 stars

31. Faccio tutto io!

A DIY book in Italian for all the things you might need in the household, from soap and shampoo over detergents to food stuffs like seitan, also some dairy like home-made yogurt.

It’s interesting that without any pressure from the outside, turning into a vegetarian slowly also made me consider other things. Like cosmetic ingredients or the extreme use of plastic. Recently I started looking for and buying alternatives, like my first organic washing powder or tabs for the dish washer. When my shower gel ran out, I looked for something organic and vegan, but only found plastic bottles and I wondered whatever happened to soap bars. Not yet ready to make all those things, but the book was quite informative and has a really nice layout with cute colored drawings.
It's a long way to soaps I guess (all those explosive warnings are scary!), so I might start with a nice harmless face mask. :)

Rating: 3.8 stars

32. Das Leben macht Geschenke, die es als Probleme verpackt by Karl Rabeder
(Life presents its gifts in the form of problems)

It was a cold and rainy day and the bookshop had just re-opened after renovation works and the new self-help corner has all those nice comfy seats and cushions and there’s a coffee machine and much oft the book’s print is in happy pink… those are my excuses for buying this quite shallow work which was written by an author who went through a series of problems = challenges and now coaches others. And of course you’ll get a discount if you book one of the seminars and can present the book. I say shallow because if this isn’t your first self-help book, it won’t tell you anything new. But the layout was nice with pink reminders looking like post-its threwn into the texts and overall the message IS useful and on that dull and depressing day it was a nice refresh of the things I’ve already learned. And I must try those Qi Gong exercises that are explained in the last chapter.

Of course all those people here whose failures and and personal growths serve as examples, have a solid middle class background, which is okay for me because I share that background. This isn’t a book for people who never had a chance and have always been struggling with making ends meet. Are there books for them at all or is it assumed they don't read, I wonder??
It’s for those who got a high school and maybe uni degree, made a kind of career, often got married and raised families – and then something went wrong and they had to deal with failure. And instead of falling into utter desperation, they were able to understand the new circumstances as a sign that they must change course. None of them was threatened with immediate serious poverty, so they could all take the time to re-organize their lives.
As the author says "what is the worst that can happen? Hartz 4 (the dole) isn't a disgrace anymore". No, it isn't - but it makes a difference if you fall from some height and have the wish and energy and at best some savings to get up again or if you have been there for years. It will then be far more difficult to identify the gift behind the problems, if there is one. And you won't be able to afford a coach either.

This is not a bad book at all, but riding the surface of the self-help waves in a pretty layout without contributing new insights.

Rating: 3.3 stars

>22 sibylline: Yes, I absolutely want to go there. Dogs are forbidden, of course :)

I remember having a small Philly Cheesesteak sandwich on my 1day visit to Horsham in 2002, in the food court of the mall. I have no memory of its taste though, maybe I should have ordered it in a restaurant instead. It had been on my list of foods to eat when in the US, along with French toast, cream cheese cinnamon bagels and a real hot dog.

Ooops, I overlooked 2 books I've read this month. I reviewed this one as #33, but then realized it is #35. The other 2 will follow soon!

35. Dein Körper – Dein Freund by Anja L. Jäger

I found this HCLF diet book on a German blog while looking for recipes and the review made me curious. I always struggled with the low-carb concept because my body just digests carbs much better than lots of (animal) proteins and it’s also sensitive with fats of both animal and plant sources. So the idea behind this book of losing weight by eating plant-based foods high in carbs and very low in fats – and by eating lots and lots of those foods, instantly appealed to me. Having read it now, I believe it’s not for me.

I don’t think the book has seen a professional editor and it wasn’t easy to read. There are many grammatical errors, overall the writing sounds like a bad 1:1 translation from an English book. The author published 3 other books in English, so possibly that’s her native language and explains that part. Still someone should have proof-read it.

The strongest point of the book is the enthusiasm of the author who clearly believes 100% in the HCLF (high carb low fat) concept, so differently from other diet books I read I never felt deliberately cheated. She gives us parts of her journal of her 90day experiment and although she lost lots of weight in the end after gaining some in the first weeks, I decided that this approach isn’t for me. Too bland, too restrictive, too one-sided - and how should I get 3000kcal into my body every day without fats?? My stomach would burst! What she eats - huge platefuls of rice and salad without dressing and smoothies of 3 or more bananas - doesn't sound appetizing at all, and I love rice, salad and bananas! And I’m sure at some point her body will demand those fatty acids. She did some research of course, but all diet books have “scientific” parts where studies are quoted and the metabolism is explained, and then they lead to completely different results and recommendations. I am tired of it and I don’t believe in extremes anymore.

In my opinion bodies simply aren’t all working in the same way. There are vegans who did everything right and still had to return to animal products because their bodies just didn’t process the plant proteins well enough. For me I can definitely say that my overall physical wellbeing has improved since I cut out most of the dairy. All through my life I suffered from constipation (organic reason the doctors said and forced me through all kinds of nasty medical treatments). Leaving out the meat didn’t change much because I had already reduced it to almost nothing, and eggs I maybe had one per week on average, but leaving out the dairy caused a clear improvement. And as soon as I re-introduce it like last week with a huge lump of goat’s cheese the problems return. But that's my condition and can't be applied to others. Btw. after the hospital I craved egg yolk so much and for several days that I bought a 6pack of free range eggs and ate two of them boiled. The craving went away and I gave the remaining eggs to a neighbor. I haven’t found out yet what my body was missing, but it seems it really needed it. That's one reason why I'm not planning to put any label on my personal diet, in the end the body must rule, not the theory.

I took one idea from the book which I’m testing right now, and that’s the importance of the order some (plant) foods are eaten. I wonder if fruits are really better digestible if eaten separately and in the morning and if lots of fruits for breakfast will take away the afternoon sugar craving. This is the second book now where I read it so I thought it might be worth a try.

*************

Edit: I read up on HCLF after my review and I'll take off my rating alltogether. There are several approaches to HCLF (of which I never heard before getting this book) which the author lists and she follows a combination of at least 3 of them during her 90 day test (Fit for Life, RT4 and 80/10/10). From what I read elsewhere, at least the Neal Barnard sounds quite balanced, but others like 80/10/10 don't. Maybe it's not the original theories, but what the followers make of it. The author believes in it and I wish her all the best, but there are some remarks in the book that confirm a certain... don't want to say obsession but something that goes into a similar direction. Losing weight is one thing, but I really hope for her that her metabolism won't strike back when it has been deprived of the good fats for too long and overfed with too much volume (2500-3500 cal per day almost exclusively from fruit and veg!).

33. Mrs McGinty’s Dead by Agatha Christie

My happy umpteenth reread of one of my favorite ACs with Hercule Poirot. Also one of the first ones I ever read and I remember how uncomfortable I found the whole setting then – the ax murder of a simple charwoman in a remote English village, the innocent but highly unlikeable suspect who must be saved from the gallows, the Summerhayes home (where Poirot stays) with its drafty windows and open doors, dog hair on chairs, sick cats and awful food. AC created an atmosphere where the reader suffers along with Poirot, hoping the case will soon be closed to let him return to his comfy clean home with central heating and delicious meals. The murder case for me still is among the best with the 4 mysterious women and the weapon that can’t be found, until Poirot suddenly just sees it – it's still giving me the chills thinking of that scene!

Considering rereading some more HPs now. I also own most of the TV series as DVDs and over the weekend also watched “Lord Edgeware’s Death” and “The Murder of Roger Akroyd”, the latter for me works far better in book form and has a much better and quiet ending.

Rating: 4 stars

34. Ab Heute Vegan by Patrick Bolk

Totally unnecessary book for me which I only bought because of its appealing magazine style and because I hoped for some more information on fair organic clothing. Of course it’s an interesting and helpful book for those new to the theme and in that respect I can absolutely recommend it. Nice pictures, any interviews, easy to read, and I’ll check out the online clothing shops they have listed.

Rating: 4 stars

Happy Spring to you as well, Nathalie! Merano, dressed in spring, looks so inviting. If only I could just walk through my monitor to get there.
You did a great job on the hot cross buns! Mmm
lol "Romeow" ! Love it!

>30 Carmenere: Hi Lynda, thank you! Yes, it's beautiful here and now the apple blossoms are coming out as well.
I'll soon make the HCBs again, without cross after Easter. There's something about cinnamon raisin buns that's simply irresistible! :)

>26 Deern: I love your list of things to eat in the US! Not exactly haute cuisine but fun to try. Did you manage to sample them all?

>32 lauralkeet: Hi Laura! Yes, I tried them all:
Hot Dogs: as horrible (for me) in the US as everywhere else. Must be the German genes - a sausage must have a certain texture, a bread roll must be crisp and not sweet. And I generally don't like ketchup and roast onions. But I know many Germans who love HDs and drive to IKEA just to have some.

Bagels: *sigh* I wish they'd find their way here, in all their varieties. Or better not, because I'd eat them all day! And all night!! Drooling right now! :)
French toast: a bit disappointing because very sweet, I hadn't known that the bread would be sweet as well. But yummy. Remade it at home with normal bread.

Also loved the sandwiches with their extremely high fillings, and had a Reuben sandwich from room service which I only could eat half of. My first ever room service btw., the small diet coke came in a big ice cooler like a champagne bottle!

What I absolutely loved were the delis with those buffet foods you could throw into a container and take back to the hotel. The foods I tried were all fresh and good. And the fact alone that you were allowed to bring real warm food into your hotel room, and it was the Hilton on 6th av! (Those good old times when my company still had programmers in NY in the Rockefeller Center and sent German colleagues over for projects! That group of programmers were all fired a couple of weeks later and work with India started to save costs).

I also had Italian and Japanese food with colleagues and liked it very much, especially those garlic bread sticks they give you in Italian Restaurants in the US.

The first apple blossoms are out, and they smell so good! The valley will be all clad in pink-white blossoms in a couple of days. And I need an umbrella for my walks to work because the orchards are now watered in the mornings to prevent frost damage. :)

How lucky you are to actually have signs of spring, like apple blossoms around you! We had snow yesterday, if you can believe it! But we're told it actually is spring here too. Apparently, we'll get 18 degrees in a couple of days, and I do believe it, but it'll come as a shock to suddenly shed the winter coat and hat. It won't surprise me if it goes right back down to -3 the next day, which is what we've been having. Sorry for complaining. End of winter blues, you know. We're more than ready for spring to arrive in this part of the world too.

I'm looking forward to my 3rd reread of Murder on the Orient Express this month, among my favourite ACs.

Happy New Thread by the way, Nathalie!

>33 Deern: I love your food descriptions Nathalie! It's interesting to see your impressions of things that I take for granted. I will appreciate them more next time. I'm kinda hungry for French Toast now (which btw I'usually make with normal bread ... sometimes with a cinnamon raisin bread if I plan ahead).

Yummy apple blossoms! Also lots and lots of reading! Always happy to visit you, Nathalie!
(I also make French Toast with regular bread.......)

Hi Nathalie, the Vinschgau must be blooming with all the apple trees. I wish you a fabulous weekend.

I, too, enjoyed your American food descriptions. Of course, there is nothing like eating some of these dishes prepared in someone's house. French toast, for example. Usually it's too sweet and soggy in restaurants. There are hot dogs too, you can buy now, that are really delicious, produced by the smaller organic companies. Philly cheese steak is always disgusting in my opinion, but that's just me!

Hi Nathalie, hope you are doing well. Just dropped by to say hello :)

Dear LT friends... I am so sorry I'll again have to spoil the good mood... Maybe better don't read on. I drafted two texts in the last days, but never posted them because they were too personal.
It's really rough times - generally, at work, and in private. I know how much worse things could be, I just have to open the paper to be grateful for my life situation.

But that doesn't change how I feel. That on some days I am so scared to take a wrong step (while on others it seems all easy). That on Sunday I finally found the real original source for my recurring bouts of total desperation: that I'm trying and trying and trying to be the person everyone wants me to be, but that I just can't and that I believe they wish they could exchange me against a "better version" who they'll then present to me. A very childish thought, and yes, it has its roots way back, but one I carried into my relationships and into my work. I feel like I'm never "me" (whoever that is, but she's not the desired person) - and then still I don't get the "reward" (the man, the praise, the raise..).

I am posting today because I just have to. I just talked an hour on the phone to my parents and sent messages to my RL friends, which of course after 1am remained unanswered. Contacting people when I'm in a bad state is something I had to learn, I still feel bad for doing it. I'll at least put it in spoilers:

Since the last revelations (source of desperation) on Sunday I've been in a weak mood all week, always on the verge of tears and not really sleeping. Today I had another talk with my boss. It wasn't about the salary, but he was in a foul mood for various reasons and let it out on me by basically stopping all my projects. If I follow his orders tomorrow I'll ruin the reputation of the company with our foreign clients. I wish I could give more detail here, but I better don't. I'll just say that I understand the action to a point, but not at this time. We could have done that far earlier without any damage. Now we'll leave a client without product who won't be able to find a substitute for the season.

I was really shaken and went home and called my ex-bf if I could see him, hoping for some consolation and above all new inspiration. Now our story, while it officially ended a while ago, still wasn't totally off because we always felt very much drawn to each other. Classical soul-mate thing I guess, those often don't function as a couple, too intense, too much pain, but there's an instinctive understanding for the other person, and I really valued that. Anyway - ex-bf went to a party last Friday, met woman of his dreams, is completely in love and thought that after discussing the job thing and the anxieties for 5minutes it would be a good idea to confess.

I know - at least he was honest, and it was over anyway, and I should be happy it's finally really over and now I can start again...

But (see above) that doesn't change how I feel. More lonely than ever, actually completely lost. And my childish nightmare was once again confirmed: the better version has taken over because I wasn't good enough. Yes, my head tells me all the other things, but the inner feeling is just complete devastation.

I know this might feel really liberating in a couple of days, I so hope it will. Those two events basically cut through the threads that keep me here. I've given notice for the house, the job is just a question of weeks or a few months and ex-bf will now never come round and "see what a wonderful person I am" because he's too busy with the new one whose faults he yet has to discover. Do I really have to be so generous to wish him all the best? I can't, right now I can't.

I'll have to make it to next Friday somehow and then... enjoy my yoga retreat. I hope I can.

Sorry again for using LT as therapy.

Dear Nathalie, please do use LT as therapy when you need to! You know that we all find you a valuable, lovely, interesting, vital woman. How I wish you could talk to some of us - on the phone at the very least! You know that you can hold on until next Friday, but I hope you're headed out of that slough of despondency a long time before then.
Two big blows close together are hard for anybody. You will get through them and back to your positive progress.I know that you know, but I just had to say so.
So --- we love you and don't think there can be a "better version".....in fact, we are more than content with the version we have right now. You be too.

>42 LizzieD: Thank you so much Peggy!!!
Yes, those were two heavy blows in just 5 hours after weeks with ever growing anxieties. And I didn't write all about work, it sounds like the minor thing but it isn't.
Of course my head knows that if I can't be myself ( as much as possible) in a job, relationship, general life situation, then I should chose a job/ man/ lifestyle that better suit me. But that's the head and the pain sits somewhere else.

Maybe I even unconsciously wished for something like that to happen to go into that holiday week with an open mind for new opportunities.

At least today is therapy day and one of my friends will meet me afterwards, the others will probably call.

(((Nathalie)))
That's tough stuff you're dealing with, and I second Peggy's comment that you can use LT for therapy any time you like. Hang in there -- it's bound to get better!

Yup, I agree. We're here to help!

I'm sorry that you're having such a rough go of it, Nathalie. We're all pulling for you!

I hope we can be there for you in a meaningful way right now, Nathalie. If only there was some way to send you big hugs as well as reassurance about yourself. It is so evident to me that much of your despair has to do with being a creative person in a dead end job. I am sorry about your ex and yet it is one more sign that this is a time to make a BIG change.

Thinking of you Nathalie - we all care about you and you know we always want to help. Most of time just being here is all the help we can give, but we are. here I mean.

That made little sense but it's early and I need more coffee.

I really love you guys - can I say that? :) No, I'm not drunk.
You're all incredible!! Sending you all hugs and many many thanks!

Therapy was good, mainly because of what I wrote down last Sunday and read out to my therapist. Writing while being in (soul) pain has been great for the second time now, must keep doing that. I'll get an extra session on Monday, so if the weekend goes badly, at least I know I'll have some help the day after.

My boss was out of office today, so no news on the job front. I just had to learn another big important task quickly to cover for a colleague on sick-leave. Should make a list of my assembled extra tasks for him and ask for a raise...

My friends all reacted to my messages yesterday and we had long talks with very different results. My Buddhist landlady was outraged with both the guy and my boss (especially with the guy because she had been the one who told me again and again not to give up because she had such a good spiritual feeling about us... hmpf). My friend Susie did the "let's go and have some drinks on Saturday" thing and friend #3 is of the "I won't cuddle you, that's life, now get your a*** up girl" type. Okay, it can also be exhausting spending time with her and all her energy and lack of understanding how anyone in the world can have any problems (except for the days when she has her own ones and needs advice), but at least she got me to call a Spanish friend of hers who's organizing a "zumba for Africa" event on Sunday. That friend invited me and was overall really so great and positive that I promised to come. Never did zumba and imo it mostly looks ridiculous, but so I'll be ridiculous with many others and my entrance fee of 20 EUR goes fully into schooling projects in Africa. I invited a colleague today and she will come and bring her daughter. The organizer promised me that the classes will help me through all heartache and that zumba saved her own life when her husband left her after 20 years.

I can't eat much and that's another good thing - I'll be in much better shape for the yoga holiday next week.

Reading of course falls completely short. It's TV and endless Master Chef AU (season 6 now), Junior MC IT and Best Ink. I was so happy to see My Kitchen Rules for which I had read good comments, but there are only 10 eps available, I hope Sky didn't completely freeze it.

And of course I spend much time writing letters I won't send. I always did that and it usually helps because I get my thoughts in order and much more clarity on the situation.

I always loved doing the writing/analyzing, I need a job where I can prepare long structured texts again. At work I am voluntarily documenting all my processes in a "for Dummies" form btw.. Not terribly creative, but the only way I can really work with texts there. Another task my boss knows nothing about.

Hugs, Nathalie!

Thank you Rhian, I can actually need them right now.
Hate the nights when I'm sad and can't sleep. Everything looks so much worse at 2 pm... And worse: you're likely to do stupid things. So I better put the phone away and and safely stay here on LT and visit some threads now.:)
The list of unread posts/threads is so long now, I won't be able to fully catch up with some of you, I'm sorry.

Sorry to be late, but....OOOOO, is that what a hot cross bun looks like? I never knew.

>49 Deern: Zumba may look ridiculous, but we have a group here who does fan-fiction Yoga. I haven't been brave enough to try it out, yet, because I don't know yoga. But I'm just curious enough to be sorely tempted.

Oh dear! Nathalie, like everybody else aleady told you, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. Please, never feel sorry when posting you're feelings. You are such an adorable lady and those guys have no clue what they will miss. I'm thinking of you and sending a load of positive energy. Hugs xx

>52 The_Hibernator: You don't know HCBs? They're delicious with raisins and cinnamon (I left out the zest mix - not for me and too Christmassy).
Fan-fiction Yoga???? I am learning so many new things from you. Hoppy Day and now FFY? Must google it now! :)

>53 Ameise1: Thank you for hugs, energy and kind words. I really need those today! The lack of sleep and food starts to show, I'm more nervous and more likely to do stupid things. Must put my phone into a drawer.

And how lovely that you chose pink flowers!! As you see below, I am having a very pink day today. :)

*********

My notebook where I can copy/paste doesn't show me the pictures anymore, so I had to guess and then check on my ipad if I selected the right one.



I went on the typical shopping spree - but I really had to. I need all that stuff (okay except for the ridiculous dungarees) for my holiday and have been delaying the shopping for weeks. To say something nice about "guy" again: before I met him there wouldn't have been any dungarees and all the other things would have been black, grey or white. He encouraged me to wear colors and dresses and even once bought me a wildly colored long shirt for the beach I would never have chosen.

I bought a rain jackert (my old and of course black one has fallen to pieces), 2 bikinis of identical cut so I can combine tops and bottoms as I like, flip-flops, sun screen (vegan for the first time!), pink T-shirt with a print that looks a bit "yogi" a sun-colored dress because there was a "happy dress" on the official shopping list "to celebrate the Shakti in you" (don't ask... I'll know in two weeks I guess),... errr... short dungarees because I couldn't have those when I was a kid (or any wild colors), a green bandana because the list asked for sth green and cheap red socks as "something red". Maybe well do some shakra work?
On the dungarees you might notice also a pair of cheap earrings. They have a Buddha head and their price goes directly 100% to a local dog shelter.

I met my friend Susie for lunch and just one prosecco because I had to take half a xanax this morning when I was too worked up. Didn't make it through my antipasto and had just a forkful of dessert, a warm vanilla cake with warm gianduja sauce, but they were nice and made me a doggybag.

The vegan shop where I bought the sunscreen will close soon. I talked to the nice girl who runs it and she was happy because she has found a new job. I told her that I was looking for something new as well and she took my number and promised to hear around for any openings in a "cruelty-free"place.

In the last days I made the experience that sometimes you really just have to overcome those inner barriers and talk to people and so many new things can open up for you.

Now I'm back home and hope to get well through afternoon, evening, night and tomorrow morning until the zumba thing starts. After that I might go and see a movie with a friend. And then I will doubtlessly be very tired and the dreaded weekend will be over.

TG the night is over... I feel like I went through a spin cycle.

I spent much time thinking and writing yesterday. I am working with the parachute book and did 2 of the "know thyself" sheets. I am sure this book will prove to be very helpful in defining the area I'd like to work in in future, but it is of course slow-going. I hope to have enough time on my own to get through it during my holiday.

Then I did a list of "good things about guy" and "bad things" - sometimes you have to read through all the stuff that annoyed you and of course the negative list is already twice as long. Still I miss the positives.

Following is a long text with which I am trying to explain the background a bit. Please!! don't read it if you're not interested, it's really personal and writing it was hard for me. But seeing other people in this group being very open with their conditions, I feel encouraged and just hope you'll still like me... :)


I am getting very personal here sometimes, but I never really talked about my "condition" that is the basis for all that. Still don't feel like naming it, because it is usually connected to quite a different behavior and seen very negatively, but there are 2 forms, and mine, the "passive" one, is publicly quite unknown, because it looks like depression and is often erraneously treated as such.

So if you wonder why the **** I'm making such a big thing of this (and the work) - there is a reason. It's also the reason for the lack of self-worth and for those baby steps I'm making in therapy. "We" easily feel manipulated, especially by professional "advice-givers", so a good therapist will just accompany and help the patients to find the solutions on their own.

The interesting thing in my case is that "active" people (like ex-guy) and passive people like me attract each other enormously. We instinctively understand each other, complement each other, but when the negative side of the condition kicks in, also the pain goes extremely deep - and worst: it can last and last and last. It just fills us up. My ex-bf in Frankfurt was the same, it was my first confrontation with such a partner in my love life. That relationship wore me down so much that I remained single for 6 years afterwards. And of course I read a lot and finally found the reason.

When I met ex-guy here - who, now I can say it, above all is my next-door neighbor (TG he moves out next week!), which makes the situation right now really unbearable - I knew at once, the very first moment, "what" he was and kept my distance for 1.5 years although the attraction was very strong. And then came the point where he seemed "inevitable". I understood I would never progress in life if I didn't start dating him and confronting all the old issues.

In the first weeks I was paralyzed with fear, I wasn't in love at all. In those relationships the "active" partner takes command immediately and the "passive" partner can just wait and best not react too much, i.e. "has to be good", to avoid some undefined "punishment". It was in that status that I looked for and found therapeutic help, and I was able to march in and tell the therapist: "I am a passive **** and my partner is an active one, and I need your help to get through this and learn from it to finally have a better life." I guess it was quite a challenge. Btw my therapist always encouraged me to "wait and see", never to break up with him, because much of my overall progress depended on my progress with him, he was my "mirror man" and in that he was great!

Of course after 2/3 months our relationship changed and over the time I learned to allow myself to develop feelings and understanding and over the course of those three years learned so much about myself and really grew. I had to learn from scratch, "we" really feel like a white canvas most of the time and are defined by the feedback from the outside. We never fully learned to hear, listen to and follow our own ideas and wishes. Something like wearing multicolored clothes and dresses was a big step for me, believe it or not.

I guess many of us are in fact quite creative people who took a very conventional course in their lives because the outside world convinced us it was "safe". It's self-denial from a very young age on and a constant pressure to please to receive (parental) love. And sometimes that pressure makes us explode and we are punished harshly for not being pleasant anymore. I remember many such episodes from my childhood, and of course you carry that stuff into adulthood. "Guy" is a very creative head who lives a cardboard conventional life and I still wish I could have helped him out.

We soon had the typical harsh confrontations, and of course the pain and desperation kicked in everytime, but I learned to simultaneously watch my reactions and to work on them. I slowly grew out of his hands and also out of my "victim behaviour". Not just in the relationship with him - also in the one with my parents. Still, I wasn't ready yet for the big break. I was approaching that state, but it came so out of the blue, so ice-cold and mean, that I just feel destroyed.
So why did it happen? Because I understood him too well and saw through all his manipulations. I knew how miserable his shining life really was. He had arrived at a point where HE would have had to confront his issues, because there I was, constantly offering "something else", or drop me and continue the old ways with a new, unsuspecting woman. The latter was easier and less terrifying. And in a couple of weeks he'll again for the umpteenth time feel disappointed by a woman who isn't as perfect as he'd hoped and who starts doubting him when he shows unexpected behavior.

Now whichever way my life and progress goes, the condition will stay with me, it won't go away. I might never get out of the attraction I feel for those men nor out of the pain reactions. I might learn to ride through those reactions and to shorten them, but it's fully possible that I'll take bad treatment by a certain type of person extra hard for all my life. At least I'll know why, and I can look behind their masks and see the inner terror that makes them act like that.

It's also possible that I can only ever have a relationship with someone of that type, because the unsteady fluttering element that's typical for us is in me as well. I had a "normal" partner once, and believe me, it wasn't fun for him. If guy's new woman is "normal", I can only be sorry for her, she won't know what hit her when he has his first episode in about 3 months.

I have a certain idea by now what my "perfect" relationship should look like, and neighbor guy was in fact a good candidate, had his fears and distrust not overwhelmed him again and again.
If two partners can admit that "yes, we are like that, we accept it and want to make the best of it", it can go very, very well - because at least we can deal with those episodes and allow each other lots of freedom.

I have to be careful with the things I write about work. Let me just say: fits the pattern, of course. So 2 blows on one day from similar sources.

Nathalie, thanks so much for your frankness. A relationship is never easy and each couple is struggling now and than. There are couples they wouldn't admit it. They live a kind of facade life. I know my husband since 40 years (married since 26). We had a lot of ups and downs and still have but I think this is just normal because two persons can't be 100% equal. The most important thing is a deep respect for each other and to know that we can rely on each other.

>56 Ameise1: I don't know many really happy couples, but countless ones with that facade life. I don't expect perfection at all, I know that you have to wade through many depths in a long relationship, but if the basis is right and it's not "just kids and mortgage and reputation and not to forget laziness" keeping you together, then what I call "real " love (which has nothing to do with romantic love) will keep growing and carry you through it. Respect and reliability come with it and you'll learn to forgive a lot.

I've been noticing for a while that there are so many believable positive examples of couples here on LT and that has given me some encouragement and hope.

My idea of "perfection" for me isn't Hollywood perfect at all. I meant it in the sense that there has to be room for that fluttering searching unstable part of me. I need lots of space, and a very couple orientated man who wants to do everything together could never be happy with me. On the other hand I'd of course be willing to grant that same space to him - as long as the basis is there.

I've theoretically known the things I wrote in the post above for many years - since first reading about them. But it was really crucial going through the experience once again, which also means through the pain. Those last 2-3 weekends brought me to experiencing the core and to finally make all the connections not just in my head, but also in heart, guts, subconscience, etc.
Parents/ family, work situation, friends, non-relationship - it really all comes back down to it. It's a long chain of interconnected events. I'm a textbook case. I knew it, but now I also felt it.

When I talked to Susie yesterday, she reminded me that in the first 2 years of our friendship I was constantly apologizing for the most stupid things - until she (as a good friend) told me that it wasn't normal and that it kept her from seeing me more often. That has been one of the most important constructive outside feedbacks I ever received. (I know I apologize too often here as well... but this is partly because we don't know each other in RL, come from different cultures, so an apology too many seems better than accidentally omitting one where it would be expected - we've seen where misunderstandings can lead).

Now I have to learn to act differently, to step away from that half-paralyzed passive part that expects to be treated badly and acts accordingly (all that self-sabotage when things are going well). And I have to learn putting my own colors onto that white canvas - I can always paint over again. And then (as my therapist said last week): it isn't really blank at all, I just can't yet see the bits I've already put there myself.

Nathalie, you are a wonderful lady. You are in my thoughts. I'm sure you find your path. I send you another load of the most positive vibes. Hugs xx

BTW my elder daughter loves zumba. Therefore I hope you'll enjoy it today.

Thank you for trusting us here.

I think it is possible through steady searching and effort to understand oneself enough to a) be forgiving to oneself b) recognize a red-flag situation brewing c) act to sidestep disaster or at least mitigate it and stop and walk away or deal with it responsibly. It takes a lifetime for many of us to get even close! But it's all about the effort. Don't stop seeking!

Thinking of you Nathalie. X

>58 Ameise1: Thank you so much Barbara, those vibes are most appreciated!

>59 sibylline: I can mostly do b) and learned a) . c) is still a problem for me, I too often believe I can make a situation better by staying and instead make it worse.

>60 BekkaJo: Thank you Bekka!!!

Can I just send some hugs into the LT world please? You're so wonderful!

Well... the zumba wasn't as great as I'd hoped. 3hrs of 5 minute classes, all different styles, 19 instructors. I participated for 1.5 hrs with some drinking breaks but as feared it was less dance than aerobics. And when it became more dancing like, I couldn't get my feet in order, because steps weren't explained and I just had to look for someone in front of me more capable, to copy, because the stage was so low I couldn't see the instructor's feet. It was fun, but less than I had hoped and I don't feel like booking a regular class. My colleague didn't turn up and then my other friend cancelled the movie just when I was back home to shower, so I had too many hours again on my own.

Of course today my boss did what I had half-expected, he now wants to continue the projects. But for how long? You see - it's the same pattern - on, off, on, off, and I feel powerless.

My therapist had offered me a post-weekend emergency appointment last week which I had gratefully booked. She is sad with me and I believe she regrets a bit that she always told me to keep going, because now she's confronted with the pain. It was nevertheless a very productive lesson and I feel... don't want to say better, but like there's a future somewhere out there. She showed me how much my reactions have improved during those 3 years and that I'm on a good way. I'll see her again on Thursday.

Started packing my bag which of course is already full and too heavy for the flight. Must check the weather, if is isn't too hot, maybe I don't need as many T-shirts. Or maybe we can do some handwashing of the yoga clothes. Right now I'm even looking forward to the dorm, to not having a single room. I'll be surrounded with people for 8 days, it seems the universe couldn't have selected a much better date for that crisis. Also the fact that "guy" normally would have had the appartment next door till July, but now that there are new tennants already, he moves in with his sister some miles away from here while his new place (round the corner!) is renovated. He moves out during my holiday and when I come back, the new tennants will be here already. Originally he wanted to keep a garage in the house, but that wasn't possible and there I was thinking "stupid fate hates me". No, now it seems it loves me and wanted to spare me some pain.

Nathalie, where is your flight going? Must have missed it somehow.

>62 Ameise1: We fly Verona - Napoli, stay Friday and the night in Napoli, then by shuttle to Positano. We'll return next Saturday if all goes well.
I've really neglected my yoga lately, 3hrs per day will be hard, but make me very relaxed and tired as well. :)
I hope we're having a good internet connection there for the ipad, but I don't count on it. "La Selva" means wild. :)
But I should be able to take pics and upload them to my gallery with my smartphone, as I did in the hospital.

WHAT DID I PRESS TO MAKE MY POST DISAPPEAR???????? GRRRRRRR.
Not that I said much except that I continue to admire the responsibility you take for yourself. Also that I'm sorry that zumba was not for you, but now you know. And I'm glad that fate is being a bit kinder to you.
Positano!!!! I think that must be a little slice of heaven. I do hope you can get good pictures and send them to us while you're there. And I hope that the food is good and the yoga both relaxing and invigorating. Enjoy! Enjoy!

>64 LizzieD: Thank you Peggy!!
Not 100% sure that zumba isn't for me although I'd sure prefer learning some real dance without the fitness component. That's another area where Merano has almost nothing to offer.
It's a question of teachers and many of the mini-classes on Sunday were more like "aearobics instructor puts on Latin music" - and the other ones just weren't for beginners with the steps not being shown first.

Praying for some sun next week. The forecast isn't good (can't believe it, Positano is supposed to be a sunny place!!) with at least 50% probability of rain every day, low temperatures and clouds. I'll have to pack those sweaters as well. Can just hope it'll turn out better than it looks now. Of course this very week is cloudless and sunny and hot everywhere in Italy! :)

Only 3 days left... counting the hours! :)

>63 Deern: Oh Nathalie, you are going to such a lovely place. Enjoy it! I hope the weather will be fine.

Natalie

Isn't it interesting how it is that we discover our true friends when we are in time of crisis. I think the beauty of getting older is weeding out those who sap our energy, and embracing those who provide energy and help us feel better about our situation and ourselves.

I'm thinking of you and sending gentle hugs. You are indeed a lovely, kind, and gracious soul who deserves the best life has to offer.

And, you are right about those late night unsleepable nights when the mind just races and reaches to places that can be frustrating.

>66 Ameise1: I know - I've been there many years ago, but in August when it was too hot and there were thousands and thousands of tourists in the region. Should be much nicer now - if the weather holds.
I remember thinking "they don't use any color filters when they take those photos, it really is that beautiful!".
Can't wait. :)

>67 Whisper1: Linda - thank you so much for your words and hugs (which I of course return and extra-gentle ones).

And why is it that when you wake up at night every little issue seems like a mountain and then a couple of hours later it shrinks back down to manageable size?

During my session on Monday my therapist said something which didn't really settle at that moment. But talking to my mum today on the phone, I saw it clearer.

My parents never had a good marriage. They have arranged themselves now, they won't split up or get a divorce at their age anymore, but the constant degrading game continues, just less sharply.

So what did my mum say? "You've been too nice, too loving, too understanding... you should have shown him that he has no importance for you, belittled him"... etc.
The thing is: I always knew that those things would have worked perfectly. And right from the start I decided not to fall into that trap again, because while it works it would have poisoned me as well as it did in the past. I don't need that kind of war I've seen in my family over decades. It wasn't easy because of course I have those reactions in me, but the challenge for me was changing those patterns, finding the loving person that was hidden inside me and allowing her to come out. Of course it took its time, but I believe I arrived there, as far as was possible.

And in the end of course I had to "lose" the guy because as I already wrote last year: he wasn't willing to break his own pattern (of needing and going for this devaluation). He now chose a woman who he earlier described to me as "no danger because she's exactly like ex-wife" (who constantly belittled him). He clearly has to go through at least one more "loop", as I had to with him.

But I - and that's what my therapist said and what I explained to my mother yesterday - did what felt right for me and still does. When I look back I can't say there's much I'd do differently. So I didn't "get" the guy because in his very insecure core he believes being treated with disrespect automatically means a woman has high standards and that love never comes without conditions and can't be trusted. That's terribly sad for him. It's also that typical "romantic" (aaaargh) misconception that you have to overcome all those obstacles to find true love. Yeah, that's why they never show the months after those happy endings in the movies.

Btw: I openly talked to my boss yesterday that I'm "thinking about my future", about the work I want to do in the next couple of years and where I'd like to live. He told me there wasn't any need to hurry, but that he understands. We should get those projects working now after my holiday and then we'll see.

Well, good for your therapist and GOOD for you! (And sad for your parents and the ex) In the ideal situation when all is going well, you treat the person with love and respect because of who you are - not in reaction to who he is. (I have to say that that is why I am/was attracted to Jesus: it's true. It's the way the world works. If you do anything else, you screw up and live in a mess.)
Also, good for you for putting your boss in the picture. I'll be interested to see where his understanding leads.
AND wishing you fair skies in Positano! I love just being able to say that to somebody!!!

Nathalie, I'm so glad you have your LT friends to "listen" to you along with your therapist and RL friends. You will sort things out for good one of these days with all of us to support you. In the meantime, go to Positano and enjoy those fun new clothes and the yoga retreat. Buddha earrings! Very cool!!!

Phew...it's 9 pm and I made it through 2 really hard days at work. This afternoon when I was completely stressed out, one of my male colleagues gave me a good advice: "Nathalie, you're still far too German after 5 years - it's time to get some Italianità. None of us would lose our sleep over the kind of work we're doing". :)
A friend will pick me up at 5:30 am, so in only 8.5 hours, ex-guy and I will no longer share a condo wall. It's such a relief that he'll be gone when I return.

>71 LizzieD: Those are really wise words I'll not copy onto a post-it to take with me. :)
I am not religious, but you can only admire Jesus, I agree.
Hoping for fair skies, too. And for less wind tomorrow during our flight.

>72 Donna828: thank you, Donna! Today I added pinkish half-open trainers you can also wear in the water. Really looking forward to wearing all those new things.

******
Well, I'm off! I'm taking the ipad and hope I'll return with it. It's the Italians that mostly warned me of "the dangers of Napoli" (sorry, can't call it Naples, that's a place in the US for me). My colleague Romina told me today to put my credit cards into my bra.
But it's a town that always fascinated me and I'm so looking forward to spending some hours there and to finally have a real pizza margherita napolitana. :)

Have a good week, and thank you all again for being so supportive and just wonderful!
I'll at least post some pics on my profile, but if the connection works and the smartphone survives Napoli, you should also hear/read from me.

Sending you many hugs!

Buon viaggio!!!! Credit cards in bra, good idea. Napoli really is as advertised. Pickpocket central.!!

safe and wonderful travels to you Natalie

hi all, i'm in napoli and am having an aperitivo in the centro storico. i posted some pics on my gallery and of course they're all upside down again. napoli is famous for its xmas crips (or is it mangers?), and they love to ad vips like soccer players or even kate and wills.
there was also a street withso many used-books shops. i didn't buy any though, my bag is already too heavy and i brought my kindle.
soon off again to have that pizza :)
weather is cool and cloudy but still rain-free.

Have a great time in Napoli Nathalie. Somewhere I've always wanted to go but never been.

Enjoy your time and have fun!

OOOO! You're there at last! Look at everything for us and let your alertness ward off the pick-pockets!

Enjoy Positano!

I hope you have an amazing time Nathalie. As Lizzie said, look at everything for us :)

Getting caught up after a couple of weeks and wish you a wonderful trip! {{{Hugs}}}

Have a very good journey and have fun, Nathalie!

hi all! as expected no wifi so I am typing on my phone where I have to correct every single word.. my fingers are too thick. :(
it's fantastic here. it' s a steep 25 mins climb from positano so it really is a retreat.
we have to be silent from 10:30pm till 10:30am, i.e. through the first yoga and breakfast.it's great because you can really do some self-work this way.
yoga again at 5pm, dinner at 7:30pm which means now.
i'll post some more pics tomorrow.

Hi Nathalie, have a wonderful trip :)

Enjoy your time!

Hi Nathalie! Thanks for trusting us with so much personal information. I know that it's difficult. But the people here on LT have been really supportive of me when I was going through my worst, and was then diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I know that they will also be supportive of you. Hang in there!

I hope you have a lovely trip!

just a short update before my flight back... we had massive rains and even thunderstorms on mon and tue and were at times without electricity. so no phone or wifi connection. and after those 2 days I was so immersed in the whole retreat thing. I didn't read a single page. but it was fantastic, incredible, the best thing that could have happened to me in my situation. think 'eat pray love" all in one week and without the romance. now of course I'm dreading my return home, but I'm sure things will get moving into a better direction now. I'll write more and post those pics from merano tomorrow.
happy weekend!!!! :)

Hi Nathalie, thanks so much for the update. I'm so glad that this was the perfect week for you.
I wish you a wonderful weekend. No photo today because I'm leaving for my wellness holiday at Schluchsee tomorrow.

Well, it's 8:10 am, Sunday morning. I'm back at my place and missing the others and the daily routine so much. My "neighbor" has moved out without leaving a visible trace and the new family has moved in. It's actually liberating knowing that I won't see or hear him in the house anymore.
Still I am feeling as lonely as could be expected - we actually discussed the "low" that would invariably follow the last weeks many "highs" as soon as we'd touch homebase again. And it's raining and I brought back a cold. I'll do my best to keep me busy today, I already did some yoga and meditation and am planning to strew in those little "islands of tranquility" as often as possible to get through the next days. The group built a What's Appp group and members have been posting through the night and are now active again. Both our yoga instructor Marion and our host Marta have called us an exceptionally harmonious and open group and in the last two days there has been that enormous "bubble of love" around us, so of course now we all feel like we've fallen out of a nest.

For those who are interested I'll post my experiences as I did for Venice last year, with titles so you can decide what to read and what to skip. I'll add some pics later, I still need to upload them from my phone.

But now first calling my Grandma who is celebrating her 91st birthday today. :)

Happy 91st to Grandma :)

Chin up - remember all those highs and let them pull you through the hard days. Looking forward to seeing the pics.

The Group
Our group consisted of 16 students plus the instructor Marion. 15 women, 2 men. One of the men flew in from Germany, one of the women from Geneva, all the others were from Alto Adige. Of those 15, 13 travelled to Napoli together and two (an Italian couple) arrived by car a day later.
I knew some from yoga class, but not very well, and more than half of the people were completely new to me me. Age range was 30-54 (Marion's mother being the oldest).

Napoli
In Napoli we first checked into our "Hostel of the Sun". It was the first time since a school trip in the 80s that I slept in a hostel. It's supposed to be among the best in Italy and yes, it was exceptionally clean and the staff were super friendly... but I fear I'm just too old for that, can't deal with all the noise. I shared a room with 3 other women who'd also be my room mates later in Positano.

We then went to see as much of the city as possible in the remaining half-day, and it was really fascinating. I don't know about the pick-pockets, we didn't have any problems. I had a normal cross-shoulder bag which I wore with the opening towards my body and held my phone (for taking pics) in my hand all the time. But it wasn't very crowded anyway and we were quite a big group and certainly didn't look rich.

We didn't care about museums or insides of churches, we just walked the narrow side streets.
I so enjoyed the vey lively atmosphere and I'd like to return for a longer visit soon. There were some great shops and prices for clothes are ridiculously low compared to Merano. You just feel that people have less money there in the South.

We wento to "Da Michele" for the Napolitan pizza and I swear we didn't know it was the place from Eat Pray Love and we wouldn't have known had the owners not hung up those big posters inside.
Can I recommend it? There are two other "original Napolitan pizza places" as far as I know and next time I'd try one of those. I didn't mind the interior (many pizzerie in Italy look more like butcher shops with all the tiles and plastic tables) and I liked it that they only offer two types of pizza - the original Margherita with mozzarella di buffala and the original Marinara with garlic and without cheese. But the service was incredibly unfriendly - the waiter threw a stack of plastic cups (for beer or water, no wine), paper napkins and cutlery on the table without even counting, so we had to get up and take some more from the boxes in the back room. Then later he sneezed all over one table and over the cutlery boxes. When we asked for the check he asked us to add the tip because it wasn't included in the (admittedly low) amount, but we didn't leave much and told him that we didn't have any service.

The pizza itself was very good, typical Napolitan: not crispy, with a thicker crust and a very thin center, and the buffalo mozzarella made the topping quite wet. It was slightly burned, but I personally like that. High-quality mozzarella has a nice sour taste, not as neutral as the normal cheaper stuff and some people on tripadvisor complain about that.



After the pizza we took another long walk at the seaside promenade and then fell into our beds, completely exhausted, not yet knowing what a noisy night we'd have with people returning from partying or even checking in all through the night.

The next morning we skipped the Nescafé and toast breakfast and had a cappuccino and pastry in one of the bars around the corner. The pastries in the South are just incredibly good and I thought that the availability of a fresh sfogliatella every morning could fully justify a transfer to Campania.

Good morning, Nathalie. Very interesting what you are writing about Napoli. I've never been there.

Positano
We were picked up at 8:30 and brought to Positano in a small shuttle bus. It was a holiday, so from Sorrento on there were long queues of cars and the 65kms took us more than 2 hours. In Positano we were welcomed by Cristiano, the owner of "La Selva", our retreat place. He loaded all the luggage onto a luggage lift which can't be used by people, so getting to his place meant taking a 25 mins walk on a narrow steep rocky path up from Positano center. From the beach/harbor it was even 45 minutes.

But on that first day, we all went to the seaside first and had an aperitivo there before separating and looking around alone or in small groups. I'd been there for a day in 2001 and it hasn't changed much. The main roads are full of shops with either extremely cheap or extremely expensive clothes and souvenirs like ceramic/porcellain, jewellery and lemon products. It's lovely, but very touristy. The beach has black rough sand (Amalfi is all stones) and the water is quite cold.

Via happycow.net I had found a restaurant offering vegetarian food and I went there. Two others later wanted to join me but didn't find it (we returned in groups again on later days). Should you ever make it to Positano, go there! It's called "Casa e Bottega" and it's a mix between café/restaurant and shop for the most lovely homeware. I'll post some pics, it was just incredible and the food, while a bit "un-Italian", just lovely. I learned that some US visitors have taken up the concept and are opening a similar place in New York soon.

Isn't this a foodie's dream come true?


The only problem that day was that the whole Amalfi coast was without electricity because of some damage in one of the distribution centers. So with all the tourists on that holiday, it was quite impossible to get a coffee or any warm meal. I had a vegan sandwich and a glass of white wine and was happy with the world. :)



We met for our first climb up at 2:30 and arrived at La Selva at around 3pm. The second half of the climb is really fascinating. It seems to be an old enchanted mule path and it ends at a gate that allows entrance only for members of La Selva. Behind the gate there was a small canyon and then we reached the yoga room with its Japanese-style sliding glass doors and its view towards the sea where we were to do all our morning meditations and the yoga classes in case of rain.
Another 3 min climb and we reached a plateau with a huge wooden "stage" overlooking the coast, the real yoga place. Up up up and then came the house with its 4 levels (bathrooms, then 3 guest rooms, then the main house where the owners live and where we had our meals and the upper level with another guest room and outside bath room). Another 25 minute climb from there leads to the mountain village Montepertuso where the two kids go to school. Yep, they have to climb up and down to school every day.

We were received by Marta with fresh orange juice and the Merano couple Angelo and Jennifer already waiting for us. I was lucky and got a bed in the upper room which had its own tiny bathroom. I slept in the lower part of a bunk bed which was quite comfy. Our room was a bit less damp than the rooms on the lower level and we had a bit more space and even a wardrobe.

We then had free time until 5pm when the first yoga lesson was scheduled. Because of the electricity problem we had no warm water and actually all felt a bit dirty and sweaty and therefore not really happy. The current would return only late that night (what a loss of money that must have meant for all the restaurants along the coast!) and it was too cool up there to even consider taking cold showers.

Schedule
6:45am Wake-up gong
7:15-7:45am Meditation in the yoga room
7:45-8:00am Tea break (but for the tea you had to climb up to the house, so we usually stayed in the yoga room)
8:00-10:00am Yoga, solar praxis
10:30am Breakfast/brunch
Time for ourselves
5:00 - 6:30pm Yoga, lunar praxis
7:30pm Dinner
10:30pm-10:30am Silence time (started and ended with the gong)

So... to get going with the "Eat Pray Love" theme :)

Eat
Food was OUTSTANDING!! Marta said she never had a group who ate that much, but we were hungry all the time and food was eaten almost as soon as it was placed on the table. The cool temperatures certainly played a role. And then the food was so good, you could feel it was made with love and generosity.

It was vegetarian, often with the cheese and eggs on the side so you could also be vegan if you wanted. But eggs were from their own hens and Cristiano brought the (buffalo) cheese daily from a farmer in Montepertuso, so I wasn't all strict.

For breakfast there always was sourdough bread and Marta's own nut and raisin loaf with local honey and Marta's various jams and marmalades (lemon and mandarin were so good they were finished after two days). Then there was yogurt and cereals which I never had. And always 2-3 warm dishes. I especially enjoyed the curcuma rice with herbs and the pureéd lentils we had one day, I ate three(!) bowls. One morning there was provolone cheese with rucola pesto and 2 pies filled with potatoes and veggies. Another great breakfast was the one with potatoes and artichokes. I ate so much but couldn't believe how much some of those stick-thin girls could pack away.



In the evenings we always had a huuuuuge bowl of salads from their garden and then rice or pasta and one or two side dishes. Rice/pasta often came with beans, lentils or chickpeas. We had eggplants or zucchini from the oven, once it was a huge plate of wild green asparagus with boiled eggs, omelettes and quiches, pizza plates full of freshly made hummus or beetroot dip....



The best pasta dishes were the penne with porcini mushrooms and squash and on the last day the classical spaghetti with fresh little tomatoes and basil and chili we had asked for.





We got red wine and water with our dinner, and when the mains were eaten we always got some home made herbal tea and some biscuits. On the last day we got a chocolate cake that was so heavy I could only eat a tiny bit, but everyone(!) else managed their complete slice.

*****
I stayed vegetarian the whole time but the others took the occasion to have some meat or fish dishes outside La Selva. We took a trip to Capri on Thursday and found a lovely restaurant where most of the others had seafood pasta. I had the puttanesca (yes, it means whore) with tomato sauce, olives and capers which is one of my favorite pasta dishes. On Friday we had pizza in Positano, I had another Margherita with buffalo mozzarella and it was so good!

Almost every day I had a sfogliatella frolla from the most beautiful pastry shop ever. I already looked up a recipe for a vegan version. It looks like a simple roll, but it's a crispy not too sweet dough with a filling of ricotta and orange zest. The more famous version is made with a special spirally puff pastry, but that was too rich and too sweet for me. Whenever I took a bite of my sfogliatella frolla I thought that a world where something that delicious exists can't be a bad world. :)

******
I had lost about 5kgs in the week before the holiday because I just couldn't eat. I weighed myself this morning and despite all the food I only gained 1 pound which I believe is muscles because I'm definitely slimmer than on the departure day. Thanks to the yoga and all the stair climbing my body and my posture have changed so much in just one week and I am so motivated for yoga again! I really hope I can keep up the good body feeling for much longer now.

Waaaaah... my long Pray post just got eaten by something evil when my notebook crashed. :(
I need to get back into the mood (and pre-write in a text program next time). Off for some grocery shopping now, hoping ex-guy and love-of-his-life don't have the same idea. I wish I could delay it till tomorrow, but there isn't a crumb left in my fridge.

Natalie, years ago I attended many retreats. I also experienced lows from the extreme highs. After awhile, it evened out. But, I know what you are saying and feeling.

Happy Birthday to your grandmother!!!!

>91 BekkaJo: Hi Bekka, thanks for the congrats and the encouragement. I'll do my best! :)

>93 Ameise1: Hello Barbara! I hope your wellness weekend is a lovely one, I'll check your thread later.
Napoli is a strange city. Big and loud, beautifully located, very "South", catholic in a superstitious way... not a city where strangers can easily make a home and find a niche as in places like Milano or Berlin. A city you'll never "get" if you aven't grown up there.

>97 Whisper1: Thank you so much for that post Linda. I am going through an extreme day and wish I had a couple of days more before returning to work. It's like I can't trust/control my energies at all. From low and sad to extra-high and I fear almost invasive in a minute. Shopping was a strange experience today. I hope I won't walk the offices tomorrow giving out hugs...

And thank you for the birthday wishes! :)

So, here's a slightly shorter Pray post:

On Saturday we started with a welcome ritual (had our feet washed by Marion) and then presented ourselves and what we hoped to achieve with the retreat. Then we did a short and easy first yoga practice.

The following days were dedicated to the main shakras and elements.

Sunday was "Earth", "Basis" and the color brown. Yoga was focussed on hip and leg exercises. I spent the afternoon alone (I felt like it), walked down to Positano and took the boat to Amalfi. Spent an hour there and then had to return to be back up in time for yoga II. During my mountain walks down and up again I considered what I felt should be my "real" basis in life and came out with the words "Amore" (Love), "Generosità" (Generosity) and "Gioia" (Joy) which became my anchors through the next days and the basis of a pyramid I drew on a paper (I clearly did too many powerpoints in my life...).

Sunday was also the day when I decided to let myself fall into this experience and to see what would happen and not to give away that opportunity.

Monday was intense with "Water" /Femininity/Blue. Yoga was dynamic and flowing and I almost cried my eyes out already during meditation. The rainy weather fit the mood of the day. I went for a long walk on the "Trail of the Gods" above Positano with my room mate Silvia and we had a good and long talk. Showing your femininity is something that was always regarded as weakness in my family, and just thinking of allowing it into my life instead of hiding it and connecting it with the expressions I found the day before shook me so much.
In the evening we had a sounding bowl meditation lead my Marion's mum Astrid, but it was so cold that we all couldn't enjoy it as we wanted, we were shivering too much.

Tuesday practice was easier: "Fire"/ Power and Courage/ Red. Yoga exercises were powerful and focussed on the stomach region. I spent the afternoon alone again, simply because the others either wanted to see Amalfi after I had told them about it on Saturday or walked the path of the Gods. I went to town but it was humid with a thunderstorm looming which promptly broke out during evening yoga. So we even had fire weather.

Capri had been scheduled for Wednesday originally, but after the storms the waves were still too high for the small boats, so we had "Love"/"Green"/"Heart opening" practice. More in the next post. A real "breaker" that day was - so much so that I absolutely can't remember what I did during the day. I wasn't alone, but did I stay up or did I walk somewhere? I have no idea!

On Thursday we had no meditation and just a short yoga session because we had to catch the boat to Capri.

On Friday we closed with "Spirit"/white"/balance exercises. Throat and third eye, the remaining shakras had been integrated in some other practice already. I went to Positano with my two other room mates Katja and Andrea who became close friends during the week. We already had been sitting in one row in the plane to Napoli, clutching each others hands because we were all 3 so scared of the flights.
In the afternoon we did a video with a nice yoga sequence for the website of La Selva and then we had a last yoga class, a closing ritual and another sounding bowl meditation which was completely different from the first one on Monday. This time we just crawled under the blankets together and held each other during the meditation, and we stayed so warm. All the shyness had vanished in just 3 days, it was like being in a big bubble filled with love and warmth.

So we come to Love.... sadly no Positano "pirate" for me, but that would have been too much to ask for in just one week.

Well... on Monday I confirmed to myself what I had learned in the last months: that I am a person who is able to love and to share and who should be less reluctant to show that side. But on Wednesday I learned accepting love from others which is a completely different thing. So receiver and giver might not be the same person, but learning to receive love without distrusting it and testing it must be so wonderful.

We did several exercises and one was walking the room with half closed eyes and stopping for a moment whenever we came close to another person. In some cases you could feel "something" (energy? warmth?) and later some people told me that I had been emanating much of whatever it was. Then we did the classical hug exercise (but just with one person) and the girl I hugged interestingly had been the one person for whom I had felt the least patience in the days before. And then she became something like a daughter for the rest of our stay. I am sure this is something that's done on all retreats and the effect wears off, but this first time was just magical.

Then after Capri day on the last morning during meditation I felt a bit like a failure again. I had come to that place hoping for some clear inspiration, and where was it? What were femininity, love, courage for if I still couldn't say what my objective was?

And then something happened, and I can't say why. I felt centered and convinced that as long as I stayed there, in that center, there'd be opportunities and I'd see them and grab the right ones. I wasn't scared for the rest of the day and didn't dread my return to Merano anymore.

During the sounding bowl meditation, while I was there under the combined blanket with all my roomies and Angelo and Jennifer, I tried to send loving energy to some people, also to ex-guy. Don't know if it was a coincidence, but later I saw that he had sent me a notice during that meditation, saying I'd always be in his heart. Well.... swallowing a sarcastic remark here which would spoil this post. In that moment, it was nice.

The closing ritual certainly also was a classic one: everyone had to sit down in the middle on the "altar" (which on that day we'd had to decorate with nice white flowers which were actually wild garlic so you can imagine our smell later), and the others had to say good(!) things they thought about us. I was late, maybe 13 or 14 of 17 and the list of adjectives had become shorter and a bit repetitive. And then there was so much they had to say, so many unexpected wonderful and often funny yet loving things and I was just overwhelmed that a couple of almost strangers seemed to really like me. I mean - ME! Really?

The return trip yesterday was filled with hugs and we definitely made an impression both on the airport and on the plane. The stewardesses were super-nice, probably because we were all grinning all the time and some of us (me included) got unexpected mini-discounts at the check-outs in the duty-free shops and many extra smiles. I never felt so safe on a flight before.

Through the night and all through today my phone keeps buzzing with new messages, both group and personal. Some have already met up again today. I admit I need today for myself also to get rid of the cold if possible, but I cooked huge quantities of food and only then realized there's no-one to share it with and that I'm not hungry at all.
And tomorrow I'll go to a yoga class just to see some of the others again. My roomie Katja owns a small hotel an hour from Merano with a yoga room and has invited us all to come for a group weekend as soon as possible.

I know that most of those bonds will soon weaken again, it's a bit like an extra-strong class-trip effect. But my 3 roomies Silvia, Katja and Andrea and then Karin who's also my age and lives in Merano will certainly stay in contact with me and I'll feel much less alone here.

So, at least the food pics are uploaded and I'm adding them to #95 now, but it will take a while to get the others all to LT.

Your food pics make me hungry. I'm staying at Schluchsee until Friday.

I'm so glad up you had a great trip to Napoli and Positano Nathalie. Food looks great.

Welcome back! Good to know that despite the troubles, you had a wonderful trip. It sure is sometimes good to be cut-off from the world; I last did it some 6 years back for a short 3 day retreat. Maybe time to plan another one and gather volunteers :)

Nathalie, I read every word about your wonderful retreat. It sounds magical. I hope that you will bookmark what you wrote so you can capture the feeling again next time you get down about something. I would love to go on a retreat sometime just to retain the perspective that life is beautiful! I am happy for you.

Love the food pics and your travelogue, Nathalie!

Fascinating Nathalie. I go AWOL for a month and you have certainly been positive in Positano! Looks like the sort of thing I should have checked myself into and I am sure that the retreat will have a great impact on you.

Food looks mightily impressive too!

98 Natalie, I do know what you mean! It is safe and wonderful to be with people who understand you. It really can be a difficult adjustment returning to the real world, especially when you cannot help but wish that more people could be loving, open and honest and experience some of what transpires in small group interactions when they are positive.

The food looks good!

Nathalie, I can't begin to say how happy I am that you had this wonderful experience right when you could make the most of it (all the work that you have done for yourself really paid off in letting you be open for this) and when you most needed it. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
I've loved reading about everything, and wish you a centered foundation and continuing friendships with those women. I'm inspired just reading about the week! Thank you for letting us follow you.

I too read every word and I am so pleased it was a great experience. I actually teared up a bit at the part where you hugged the younger girl!

OMG! OMG! OMG! After reading your posts, (I've missed a whole month!) , OMG! that is all I can say! I check out your pics and The food looks fa-bu-lous! OMG! I'd have to go there by myself as my husband and son do not like Italian food. Ahh, they don't know what they're missing!
Your yoga experience sounds wonderful and I find yoga people to be a special kind of lot. So glad you liked it and was well worth the money. I had to google the areas to see exactly where Naples and Positano are located. I didn't realize they were so far apart.
Cheer's to a clean slate, Nathalie! ya know some people are lonely even when they're married or cohabiting which is even worse than just being by yourself. When you least expect it BAM! that certain special person will come along. Until that time, continue to enjoy yourself and the opportunity to do whatever you want, go wherever you want to go etc etc.
Namaste :0)

Wow, thank you for your posts, you incredibly wonderful friends! :)
Work was extremely hard those last two days and my cold developped into a heavy one with a fever but I couldn't stay home because all the month end work had been waiting for me (invoicing tasks).
It should be better today and I'll post responses from work... don't care anymore. And I'll upload more pics from there as well because here on my old notebook I can't see them, so it's too much guesswork. Or maybe I should do a FB album... no idea how that works.

Oh dear, get well soon Nathalie.

Hi there... couldn't do anything yesterday because I got a new computer at work and the IT guys were in my office half of the day. And glad I hadn't copied any pics on my old computer because that folder of course hasn't been copied to the new one. So today I uploaded lots of pics, but don't know yet if I can post them all.
Did I say that my parents are coming today for 2 weeks? Aaargh... it feels a bit too soon, but it looks I'm in for some more discussions.

My cold should be on its peak today, or so I hope Coughing so much that my head feels like bursting and my whole face is swollen with a super-red nose. I want my post-retreat beauty back! :)
But went to yoga class last night and it was soooo great! And then we had Asian food (Asian restaurants here all offer a mix of Thai, Chinese and Japanese and sometimes Indian, no chance for specialized ethnic food in such a small place) :)
I had some edamame and veggie sushi rolls and a bit of fried tofu. Quite nice, but I miss those Positano feasts!

>102 Ameise1:, >114 Ameise1: I hope you are having a good time at Schluchsee, Barbara! Enjoy the last two days :)

>103 SandDune: And it tasted even better... still dreaming of that pizza... :)

>104 PiyushC: Hi Piyush :)
It certainly was an experience and I was especially glad that it really turned out to be a retreat and not just a yoga holiday as it had seemed.

>105 Donna828: Hi Donna, thank you - and it really was magical. I already had to reread my pray and love posts several times to get back into the mood. The everyday life, especially work, take over again too quickly. But I believe some effects will be Lasting. I'll say more in a later post when my brain works better again, right now my head is hurting too much for personal analysis.

>106 lkernagh: thank you so much Lori! :)

>107 PaulCranswick: Paul, I SO lost track of your threads and life - I really hope I can soon catch up again. I hope you're all well, I saw some nice Italian looking food yesterday on FB?
I can really recommend doing a (nice) retreat for a couple of days, I would never have thought before that I'd be able to let myself fall into this experience so much.

>108 Whisper1: You're so right, Linda. I already had some strange encounters here at the office since Monday where people told me anout their issues and asked me "what would YOU do now if you were me?" and when I answered, all I heard was "but... but... but" and I thought "I am so sorry, but then you'll have to keep suffering" and I couldn't even hug that person because you can't hug your colleagues, can you? :) *sigh*

>109 thornton37814: and it WAS SO good. I should have taken more pics, but it was always eaten so quickly. :)

>110 LizzieD: Can I just {hug} you please?? :))

>111 sibylline: That was the most touching experience ever. Can I say soul-intimacy?
It was during that "walking the room and sensing energy" exercise that our instructor asked us to hug the person standing next to us, but without looking up. I saw her yoga pants with the flowers and thought "Her? OK.. ". So we hugged and then we should get closer, so the hearts and hips could "touch" and you could really feel the heartbeat. And then after a while we should look into each other's eyes.... and that just blew me away. That "windows to the soul" saying IS true, you just have to catch the right moment.
The instructor said with last year's group it had been impossible to do this exercise, the walking was the maximum. It's only an option when the group is extremely open and loving.

>112 Carmenere: Lynda, come here and we'll travel together! :)
(There are people who don't like Italian food not even pizza and (American) spaghetti meatballs? Tell them Tuscany has the most delicious bistecca alla Fiorentina, BIG T-Bones from wild living Maremma cows and they can leave the greens on the plate)

I added some pics of the "inspiring restaurant" to #94. And here are some separate pics:

Yoga platform with one of the donkeys:


Part of the trail, on the upper right the shining box-like Thing is the yoga room:


Name is Lilly, but we called her "sausage"/Wurst, because she didn't move much. She jumped onto the next best lap during dinner and then over hours crawled from lap to lap to be carassed.


One of the numerous cats, the only one that wanted constant contact with us:


The other two dogs, the red one was a bit of a biter when you accidentally came too close to the door of the family's appartment. The big black one moved from one sleeping place to the next:

Positano:


Beach with dark sand:


Entrance to my dorm - one evening we had those flowers in fried form for dinner - yummy!


View from the terrace, you can see how high we were above Positano:


And here's a Capri pic:

(((((((NATHALIE)))))))
Those pictures are amazing, wonderful - what a place!!! Thank you for posting them. I hope you and your new computer are getting along well and that the cold is finally on the run.

Lovely pics - the town looks stunning.

Adding to the get well soon wishing - I feel your pain :/ Yet another sinus infection seems to have shoehorned into my head but we have people on hols and so much on. So off to work we go. On the plus side it's nearly Friday...

Great photos, Nathalie. Thanks so much for sharing them.

I love hearing about your holiday and the photos are great. I love staying places where they have pets, too.

Love the photos, Nathalie!

>119 Deern: - one evening we had those flowers in fried form for dinner - yummy! I am intrigued.... what kind of edible flowers are they?

>120 LizzieD: (((((PEGGY))))) I really needed those! :)
Cold is slightly better, but maybe that's because I finally succumbed and took some pills during the night and in the morning. I hope that annoying cough won't settle again in my body for the next 5 months as it usually does. I was so glad my allergy cough didn't come this year and now it's here via the cold.

>121 BekkaJo: Thank you Bekka!
and get well soon yourself, that sounds nasty. How is it that we're always ill when we can't stay home while others have no problem with that?
And Friday has arrived - yay! :)

>122 Ameise1: Thank you Barbara. There are so many more, but I didn't want the page to slow down. Maybe on the next thread.

>123 lauralkeet: Hi and thank you Laura! We all loved the numerous pets, but for people with an allergy (fortunately there weren't any) it would have been a difficult place. Cats hairs were everywhere. One of my roomies developped a rash during the last 2 days.

>124 lkernagh: They are wisteria, Glyzinien in German (and now I finally know that Harry Potter's Wisteria Lane must have been a lovely place in spring). Wiki calls them toxic, but I found many recipes, also for wisteria fritta.

>117 Deern: Lynda, come here and we'll travel together! :) That would be a blast!
Tell them Tuscany has the most delicious bistecca alla Fiorentina, BIG T-Bones from wild living Maremma cows and they can leave the greens on the plate) That just might do it, Nathalie! and they would indeed leave the greens on the plate, just like they do here.

Hope you are feeling better today and have a great weekend :0)

ETA: Oh Oh Oh! I meant to say your pictures are absolutely wonderful! What a dream vacation!

Ooooh a LibraryThing reading/food-a-holic/yoga/nature rambling tour of Italy? If I win the lottery I'm so bankrolling that...

Hi Nathalie, I wish you a lovely weekend.

Hope the cold is a thing of the past, Nathalie. Thank you for posting those gorgeous pictures. My daughter has been to Positano and raved about it. It looks like a fairy tale world!

LOVE your pictures and follow up - especially about the walking/heart meditation -- I don't know how well I could do that, LTers and family excepted! Especially love the pet photos, naturally. Our pale ginger cat is a total lover-cat too, wonder if it comes with that coloring??

Hi Nathalie, I wish you a lovely weekend.

I hope you are feeling much better.

Come back, come back, Nathalie, and let us know how you're doing!

I hope all is well with you & you survived your parents ;-

We miss you, Nathalie.

Hi guys... the terrible LT neglecting person is back, well - for today. And then I'll see. HAPPY SUNDAY for now!! :)

What have I been doing? Working, seeing my parents every day (mostly evenings), doing yoga and meditation like crazy in order not to become real crazy, working with the parachute book for hours and hours and hours, going to Milan and EXPO to escape Merano for the long Whitsunday weekend, trying to be courageous enough for the next steps. And I've really been reading a bit again, finally! Although it was mostly "please numb my brain" literature (except for the parachute book and the odd chapter in the Klein book which might become my book of the year should I ever finish it). The two more demanding books I tried (Murakami's The Strange Library and the new Eco in Italian) were so confusing/ disappointing that I returned to my Poirot books and DVDs quickly.

I've tried to contact and if possible see my old and new Merano friends whenever I felt bad which has been often, for various reasons. But they are all so wonderful, and in no case it's a one-way thing, the Positano retreat has really opened a new network for love, support and help at any hour of the day. I'm glad I didn't just use up energy of others but could also provide some in several cases.

The one thing I'd like to mention here today before having a quick round through threads and saying "Hi":
Lucy, that parachute book is really, really wonderful!! I was reluctant for a while, and of course I had to skip quite a lot of chapters that apply mainly to the US job market. But I finally did that flower and although I don't really know yet what to do with the result - it couldn't be further away from what I'm doing/ have been doing so far - at least now I have a basis that feels right and true.
I also did 2 different MBTI tests and the result really fits my personality. Personality type testing is absolutely "bad bad" in Germany, Austria and most parts of Europe and I agree that it shouldn't be the one and only deciding element for everything you do in your life, but for me it was a relief to see that I fall into a type at all and therefore am "normal" even though my group is among the smaller ones.
I'm an INFP and I guess tried most of my life to be as close to an ISTJ as possible (accepting at least the introvert part). I'll now try to further develop my real strenghts and make them my assets instead of hiding them and trying to do the opposite.

My yoga and meditation and breathing exercises are now mostly aimed at getting more courage to follow my heart and to be able to identify opportunities that come my way and take them. Yesterday I offered my free help at the veggie restaurant because they can't pay their staff anymore. Don't know if they can use me (tax/ insurance issues), but at least I asked.
The next step will be to call a local voluntary organisation and offer my help on weekends with the illegal African immigrants who are caught in hundreds every week on trains passing Bolzano, trying to get over the border. I talked to one of the voluntaries while waiting for my train to Verona and he said they always need more people to distribute food and just talk to the immigrants.

*********

As for EXPO: great event, bad organisation outside the area, okay organisation inside, interesting architecture, almost no concepts really dealing with the theme "Feed the Planet. Energy for Life". In that respect I clearly expected way too much. I'll write more about it and post some pics from my office computer that connects with my mobile phone. I visited the German, US, British, Spanish, Russian, Iranian, Belgian and Israeli pavillons and those of Eataly and Slowfood. Queues at the Austrian, Italian, Brazil and Swiss and Japanese pavillons were far too long, but I might return for another visit in autumn.

Food prices are high (nothing for free except for mineral water from some fountains) and the quality is mediocre. Disappointingly no real "new and sustainable" food concepts - there are either restaurants with the country's typical cuisine or your usual street food stalls with BBQd or fried stuff and lots and lots of ice cream. Only the US food trucks offered a veggie burger. I really expected at least a vegan restaurant or food truck and maybe some restaurant offering "alternative dishes", maybe using the less popular parts of ingredients like potato peels, given the overall theme. The Germans did quite a good job with their show, mentioning both the high consumption of meat and the waste of foods among many other things - but then outside just offered pork bratwurst and curried sausage.
I did have some very nice kimchi-filled maki rolls at the South-Corean bar, the best food I tried.

Nice to see you, Nathalie. Very interesting what you're writing by the expo and it confirmed me why I won't visit it. Too expensive, long queuing etc. I'm glad to hear that you found a new network of people. It's always a good thing. xx

Hi Barbara, well - I enjoyed it a lot once I had said Goodbye to the idea I might actually learn something re. the main theme or even get some inspiration for my future work.
Next time (should I go again) I'll go during the week and during school holidays, take a hat, sunscreen and still better shoes and my Kindle, and do my best to get into the Italian, Swiss and Brazil pavillons. Although the Swiss one will be empty by then, I read that already 1/4 of the apples and water were gone after 3 weeks. :)

*********************

I felt strangely "blocked" re reading and LT for many weeks in April and May until I went to Milan and suddenly felt like doing some real reading again. Okay - they have great bookshops, that certainly helped. But there's just so much going on in my brain right now on different levels that I couldn't fully enjoy the things I usually love like LTing, reading, cooking.
I had some important, partially tearful and emotional discussions with my parents and now I feel like we cleared the air and I can act much more freely.

I am still extremely hurt when it comes to thinking of "ex-guy", it has been even worse in the last couple of days than at first, because now most of the "numbing activities" are gone. First I was numbed by shock, then there was the Positano love bubble week, then I was too ill to think much, then 2 weeks with my parents (and he was away as well), then the Milan escape.
But now everything is normal and I have to face the obvious fact that this time he really isn't coming back. He works around the corner, so just seeing the car or vespa causes pain, and I still can't go grocery shopping in that street. In this small place any moment out of my house or the office holds the risk of running into him or worse into him and the woman he exchanged me for.

But this weekend I found out that what I miss maybe most is being needed and that maybe the biggest insult was that this role I had in his life could so easily be given to the next best person. He wasn't great for ME at all, even less so since last year - except of course for his mirror function. He didn't even once visit me in hospital or welcome me back home. Just thinking of that I should have run ages ago, I know! But his need for my presence, understanding and emotional support (of which he needed much!) was something I could always rely on and whenever we had another fallout caused by him, he wanted me back within days. And in a life without much other contents, with a frustrating job and money worries, that certainty to be needed by at least someone felt like an anchor, almost a life line. And now I'm standing there having to realize that even that has been worth nothing and that I was totally exchangeable in the one role where I felt safe in the last 3 years.

For that, the RL Support I still get from the Positano group is so important, including the RL hugs whenever we meet. It's another RL source for giving and receiving love, without having to pretend being strong because we all saw each other at very weak moments during that week.

And I feel that if "helping" is such a strong component of my character, I should absolutely use it for other and better objects (without letting myself getting overwhelmed which would be the next difficulty). I had an exchange with Bianca/Drachenbraut about that "need to help" early this year, and now I feel she was right.

The question is where and how, because at the same time I need much freedom in my work (I am not good with too much supervision) and I like to analyze and work out solutions which was great in my old IT job. The Parachute book brought me a big step forward, including surprisingly the "Mission Chapter". Now I'll have to find my gap and the only issue is that it should be soon. :)

Edit: just applied for the voluntary service at the Bolzano station. I hope they can use me.

Some EXPO impressions:

The Main Street with the sunsails - the Pavillons are to the left and right, everything is easy to find and that part never got too crowded. The picture was taken an hour after the opening, there were so many more people later, but navigating was really easy all the time and there are many benches as well.


This is one of the restaurants belonging to the Italian Pavillon. I was inside and it was disappointing. In the background the "Tree of Life" and I wonder if the phallic impression was intended... in Italy probably yes:)


The Tree of Life in full day bloom. Every full hour there's a "show" that lasts 5 minutes with big water fountains and music. The tree, usually just brown, blows colored steam and soap bubbles, then changes color and some blossoms come out and at last the big plastic flower. The tree is huge and the lake it stands in is nice and there are lots of chairs and benches around, but the show is a bit ridiculous during the day when all the lights aren't visible. I read it's really worth a visit once it's dark though.



The UK pavillon with the "bee" theme. You walk through a garden full of wild flowers towards that huge metallic walk-in bee hive which at night must be even more impressive with the lights on. The restaurant offers Pimm's, 5 o'clock tea and fish & chips.



The Dutch food trucks early in the morning. By lunch time of course it was crowded and the atmosphere was really nice with music and many places to sit and relax. I had some nice mini pannkokjes (spelling?).


The outside of the US Pavillon - my inside pics didn't turn out well, and there wasn't as much to see as I expected. Yes, it's salads growing on those walls.


****
And here I was reading The Strange Library by Murakami and realized that my hotel room number was #107 as well, and I thought it might be "a Sign". Luckily no-one tried to eat my brain or force me to read up on the Ottoman tax system. :)

So good to see you round the threads again, Natalie!

*Big hugs*

>140 scaifea: I'll echo that!

ABSOLUTELY!!! Welcome back!
I'm sorry that the EXPO was a mixed bag - mostly uninspired. Maybe if you go again you will luck into the innovative stuff. I've been to only one comparable deal - the NY World's Fair in '64. It was fun, but the food was lousy.
I'm so happy to hear that your return to regular life hasn't been devastating. I can guess that it's not easy, but you're managing very well.

Last night I finally watched "The Hours" which I had recorded on Sky weeks ago. What an exceptional movie, and it made me take Mrs Dalloway from my shelves which I had been meaning to rerad for years. Don't want to reread The Hours now directly, I would compare too much.

>140 scaifea: and >141 lauralkeet:: Thank you, and HUGS back to you! What would the world be without hugs?

>142 LizzieD: Thank you Peggy! About the innovative - with McDonald's, Coca Cola, Nestlé and Unilever among the main sponsors I just should have known that alternative concepts would be hard to find.

I also had expected more from the "clusters". Those are meant for the small and poor countries that can't afford a pavillon, they are represented in a themed cluster that fits their agricultural background best. There's chocolate (dominated by Ferrero), coffee (illy), rice, vegetables and cereals, legumes, "biodiversity" and I probably forgot something. I went into several of those stalls and maybe I was unlucky, but I didn't find any food there. Usually there was one person selling handicraft. So for example country X was assigned to coffee because the country grows coffee - but then you could buy a scarf and coffee wasn't mentioned. I read there were some exceptions, but the overall echo for the clusters is negative.

I was especially disappointed by the big NGOs Slowfood and the UN. Slowfood has 3 wooden buildings and a vegetable garden and there were maybe 20 visitors. One building was a bookshop and an empty presentation area, one was a bar where they offered wine and cheeses (which most of the countless Italian stalls did as well for a lower price and in a happy atmosphere) and the exhibition building had some tables with what I'd called entertainment for kids on a very low level (make pictures with beans and lentils, little boxes with things you had to guess by touching them (lentils, chickpeas, beans again), plastic steaks...Of course I didn't see many kids there.

The UN pavillon (theme "Zero Hunger Challenge")is HUGE and from the design side absolutely spectacular and a must for any visitor. Just don't expect an actual content.

First room is that old-style library (no books, just drawers) that stands for knowledge handed down for generations. Then there's a movie about a poor farmer family working the field with a donkey (development of rural areas). Other rooms: a big tree growing out of the roof, a big wall like a stock exchange to show food speculation, then there are two heaps of food waste (plastic of course) to show how much more the first world throws away compared to the third world and then there are "all animals of the world" (well, pets and all the animals you can eat) as big white plastic figures. And somewhere there is the message that ressources are finite and we must work out a solution to feed everyone. At the very end there are some landscapes that have been cultivated according to the conditions, serving as good examples. But my overall impression was that this was just BIG and empty and must have cost so much.

US if anyone's interested: you're welcomed by an Obama pic where he states that until 2050 we have to feed 9 billion people and we'll make it! Then I remember that the main themes were technology, research and hygiene/ food safety. Pepsi had a stall within the pavillon.
For the show you had to queue, but only some minutes because it was really short: 7 cute videos about food in the US. I remember BBQ, artisan bread, street food, and spaghetti meatballs in a can. Sorry for my short memory, but many pavillons were so similar, and all worked with videos and projections, so it soon all melted into one big thing.
I wish I had seen the US food trucks earlier because they offered a veggie burger and NY cheese cake and the staff looked really friendly.

From an educational POV of course the Germans did all their homework and should anyone visit EXPO I'd really recommend a visit of their ugly pavillon, because there's so much information and interaction you don't find elsewhere. They even present a happy veggie song and even I (!!!) did sing along with everyone in the end.

(Rant coming: They just forgot to mention that Germany is Europe's slaughterhouse, has some of the biggest factory farms for meat and milk (the "bad" eggs from factory hens have to be imported now) and while alternative energies are heavily subsidized, we happily keep burning and selling the energy from brown coal. And that's just one part, weapon exportation and destabilizing the countries we're meant to help develop is another unmentioned abyss. I often think that we have become a two-faced country, there's the presentable gleaming model society surface meant for the outside world but also for the own population. And behind that there's something very calculating that makes me scared, and I really don't want to return if I can prevent it. )

Brazil's pavillon has 2 levels - on the ground floor you walk through a little garden/ forest with typical plants. But no-one does that because they all queue for the big net above the garden that works like a trampoline. I guess the team miscalculated the Italians. I read somewhere that they didn't expect queues because people could just walk over the net and be done. But of course they come in groups and jump and play on the net forever, taking selfies and videos. It looked like loads of fun, I just didn't have the nerve to wait for an hour in the sun for my own turn.

Nathalie, thanks so much for sharing all these very intersting news about the expo. You're probably right when returning in autumn for the Swiss pavillon there willbe only the salt left.

>144 Ameise1: the funniest thing I read was about people on the ground of the 4th floor on their stomachs, arms in the apple tower, trying to reach the apples a floor below.
I guess the thing the Swiss organisation didn't count on was that people would spend those 34/39 EUR for an EXPO ticket with the expectation to get some free food sampling in the international pavillons. I got that only in the Russian pavillon - or didn't get it because they were refilling and I didn't want to wait for a slice of sesame bread. So given the high restaurant prices, when people after queuing twice for the Swiss towers finally get the opportunity to take anything home for free, they'll just do so. :)

Reading the tripadvisor reviews daily and the ratings depend on the expectations: if people wanted international atmosphere and entertainment and some Italian food, they are quite happy. If they expected information re. the main theme and hoped for alternative food or ethnic snacks, they are disappointed. And the queues, also at the main entrance, are a huge issue.

****
I did some serious reading yesterday (we had a national holiday): I really got restarted on Mrs Dalloway and so far it is so much better than on my first try when I wasn't used to VW's style yet.
I also felt inspired to do some own writing which I haven't done in ages and I hope it might become an outlet for my emotions.

I am sorry to be whiny, but I am feeling like breaking apart those last days. I am generally more depressed in summer than in winter although I enjoy the sun. I just feel even more "out of it" when everyone else is so obviously happy and enjoying life. I must find a solution and I am scared I won't find it soon and will stay trapped in that situation and place for much longer.
I've been sleeping on my couch for months now with some light on (that started in Feb before the surgery) and since March I haven't slept through a single night.

Another thing is that very lucky me in all my 44 years never had to deal with serious loss. No-one I personally knew and loved died too early or left. I only lost two grandparents, both at old age and after long illness. I know how fortunate I am and I am extremely grateful for it. However I never learned that people might just "leave" in some way or other in the middle of life. I remember how strongly I reacted when JanetInLondon died whom I never met in person. I even wrote a long text I never posted here and I cried so much and so often because the world had lost her.

My relationships with men so far always faded out and we managed to stay on friendly terms, it never ended as brutally and abruptly as this one now. I read a book about grief some time ago, but can't really apply its wisdoms yet. I feel like an abandoned dog - and I don't want to feel this way and I am doing so much and keep myself as busy as I can. But then I wake up every night around 3 and just can't believe that someone who a day before still held my hand could just turn away and exchange me for someone else and not miss me a second. My head knows that every tear is one too many, but that makes it even worse, because if someone as weak and anxious as him could just walk over me... what does it say about me?

Sorry again. I need more Poirots I guess. :)

I'll start planning my next trip soon, maybe for the first week of July. Liguria/ Genova would be nice.

For once real short reviews:

36. Breaking the Food Seduction by Neil D. Barnard
Seriously, I have no memory of this book except for having gotten some ideas out of it which I since completely forgot. I must reread it, but I remember that I thought it was on the better side of the vegan-carb books I've recently read and I see I bookmarked like crazy. Mid-April there was just too much going on in my head including "horror-day".

I am sure I meant to rate it with something around 3.5 stars.

37. And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie
This is my favorite non-Poirot Christie and one of the first Christies I read when I was about 10 or 11. What a shock that ending then was! I've since reread it in German (got the old edition with the n-word), bought the Italian edition (Indians) and now finally read the English version where we've moved on to "soldiers".

Rating: 4.5 stars

38. Curtain by Agatha Christie
I watched the David Suchet TV version on Italian TV and immediately wanted to reread the book. This one has grown on me with the years, I absolutely didn't like it on first read, I found it so boring then. But now I see it among my top Poirots. I remember preferring the novels not written in Hasting's voice - here of course it makes all the sense although he's even more annoying than usual.

Rating: 4 stars

39. What Color is your Parachute? by Richard N. Bolles
Well, as I said earler - great book! It requires much of self work, but if you seriously do that you might arrive at a surprising result. I was dubious about the religious chapter, but then found I could wholeheartedly agree and I loved his list of what characterizes a healthy religion and an unhealthy one. That part is written open enough to make it applicable for everyone who believes in certain values, no matter really if they are connected to a deity or not.

Of course I can't do much with all the US addresses, and interviews run differently in Germany and I am sure in Italy as well. But it has been a very helpful book, I used Excel, PPT and wrote long texts developing the flower petals and I'll use those for a long time.

Rating: 4 stars

40. By the Pricking of my Thumbs by Agatha Christie
I downloaded this one when I was on the train to Milano, feeling a bit nostalgic and wanting to reread one of my first Christies. I remember it had ist lengths already back then, but it also had some chilling moments starting with "was it your poor child"? However I liked it far less now, kept skimming pages and rushed towards the ending (one murderer for once I still remembered), and even that part wasn't that great anymore on reread.

Rating: 2 stars

41. The Strange Library by Haruki Murakami
Milan has an English book shop! Okay, the staff is not very friendly, no matter which language you use - but hey! I was in a bookshop again and it was full with books in my favorite reading language! So I looked for that Murakami with the colorless Mister Something which they didn't have in stock. Actually there was much that wasn't in stock. But of this little book they had to editions, the UK one and the US one, and I selected the US one for its lighter weight. I read it while having an aperitivo in the Galleria Vittorio Emanuele near the cathedral.

I love Murakami, but this one I'm sorry did nothing for me at all. I don't remember a single good moment except for all the foods of course and here mostly the donuts. I was wondering what was the idea behind publishing this story about a boy who becomes a prisoner in a library, forced to read and memorize three huge volumes dealing with the Ottoman tax system. Some readers call it Kafkaesque - but for me it looked more like an attempt in combining art (the pictures/illustrations, paper quality and font and also the foldings of the cover) with writing, and it didn't work well for me. I am giving the stars mainly for the beauty of the edition.

Rating: 2.5 stars

P.S. I also bought EXPO Milan for Dummies there, but donated it to the hotel library after having read about 5 pages. It's a simple Milan tourist guide with maybe 15p on EXPO because when it was published so much was still unresolved, like train connections.

42. Numero Zero by Umbert Eco
Bought this one in a gas station on the return from Positano. At first I was happy - a short Eco (less than 300 pages!) and it started out like a nice conspiracy novel, for once set almost in the present time, in the 90s, so still without internet of course. The book has its moments, but it doesn't take the time it would need to build up real tension; then there is a love story every reader expects from the first moment the woman makes her entrance and everyone hopes will not happen; the conspiracy theory interestingly was something that has in parts recently been mentioned in the German press in connection with the Munich Oktoberfest terror act, but it falls SO completely flat in the end that I was wondering what I had been reading.
The ending is actually kind of funny and I feel like Eco here has created a parody of his own books here - kudos to him if that's the case!

But I don't like to work my way through an Italian novel for such an ending when the beginning was that promising. And the romance reminded me of the one in Calvino's If on a winter's Night a traveller - unnecessary and unappealing.

Rating: 2.5 stars, book donated to hotel library

Well, dear Nathalie, it's a mixed bag, isn't it? I do appreciate your taking the time to write about EXPO. That's as close as I'll come to it, of course, but I do think I have a pretty good idea of what's going on thanks to your analysis.
"If someone as weak and anxious as him could just walk over me, what does that say about me?" From my perspective, it says that you are a generous person who is able to make herself vulnerable in order to offer love and support to another human being. If that scares him or isn't enough for him, that's his sad story. It reflects on you not at all ---- except, of course, in your feelings. I know you're hurt. You know that it will take some time to heal. Take it and don't begrudge yourself the time and effort.

>147 LizzieD: Mixed bag? I agree.. :)
Re. EXPO: that was something I had planned since I knew the main theme and I had mentioned it here several times, so I thought I should give it some space on my thread. And while I was there I actually had LT in my head and tried to see and take pics of some of the pavillons of your home countries.
And I learned that inspiration doesn't necessarily await us where we expect it. :)

And thank you for the other part as well. That's about where I arrived with my own thoughts last night. Problem is just that thoughts are in the head and it takes them a long way to manifest in the heart so they can chase away the pain. If anything, this episode confirms me that I can and should trust my intuition which predicted me everything when I first saw him.
It was a necessary experience (and still is) in order to grow and be able to change, but really - I could do with some nice job/life/whatever opportunity now which presents itself clearly enough that I can't miss it. :)

******
Because it's part of the parachute book - I am presenting you the result, and should you have any idea how to make a profession of that, I'd be happy if you shared it. I'm doing that in RL as well, it's part pf the process set in the book.

My top 3 knowledges (from former jobs, those I loved most):
- Analyze problems/ requirements
- Design solutions
- Write and edit documents

My top 5 "transferable skills" which I identified in quite a complicated process where I had to write 7 stories and analyze them for all skills applied. These are the ones that I enjoy using:
- Use my intuition (data skill)
- Assess, evaluate, treat (people skill) (don't know it I understood that one correctly, I interpreted it as treating other people according to their (communication) needs to create better understanding and so get tasks done)
- Convey warmth and empathy (people skill)
- Use my brain (data skill)
- Design, use artistic solutions, be original (data skill)

Even my longer list doesn't contain a single "things" skill, but there's quite a balance between people skills and data/idea skills.

Of course I also did much detail work and admin tasks in my professional life, but it's nothing I love to do, so it doesn't appear here.

Add to that my ever growing ethical concerns and my absolute need to do much individual work without too much hard tracking/supervision, and then let's all forget my age (because really, that's what I'm trying to do, telling myself "okay, what would you do with that result if you were 30?"). :)

Hi Nathalie, I wish you a fabulous weekend.

Nathalie, I'm sorry you are going through another rough patch after your Positano "high". The Parachute book sounds like a helpful aide for work and life in general. It hit me pretty hard, too, when Janet died. That says a lot about LT friendships. Never forget that you are not alone. Thank you for sharing your feelings in both the good times and not so good.

Where have I been? I am so glad the Parachute book has given you a way to think about your skills and how to use them. I think it is totally amazing all the things you are doing. I am certain something surprising and good will come of it all, perhaps when you last expect.

I have a dear friend, only a little older than you are, who has had a similar experience this year - she was actually married to this man (living in Leeds in England) and in March of this year, about four years into the marriage he literally turned to her one day and said. "This marriage thing isn't working for me." That was it, no discussion, no nothing. Just. That. She's moved back to a place where she was happy, working at a small inn in the west of Ireland, and she's doing all right, but it's a rocky road. But the thing is - it really makes you wonder!

Just checking in. I want to say, "I'm O.K.; You're GREAT!" I echo what Lucy said. You are preparing for something wonderful.

>149 Ameise1: Thank you Barbara - it was a good one! Wishing you a very happy week!

>150 Donna828: Hi Donna! Well, the rough patch was to be expected, coming back from P. was a bit like falling out of paradise. But it's amazing that those people are still there, we miss each other and meet when we can. Even the two from Switzerland and Germany keep sending messages.
You know, that text I recently found on my computer re. Janet's death was actually something addressed to you, but back then I thought it might be too personal for a forum (I don't remember if I even knew the PN function then). Just checked for it, but it seems I deleted it before I got my new office computer, along with many other personal documents.

>151 sibylline: OMG, I am so sorry for your friend. What a shock, and without any warnings? I hope she manages to keep her trust in people/ men, and that one day she will be able to look back and see that is has been good for something. I know, it’s the usual consolation, but it's also one thing I learned with my ex-guy, already during the time together: as soon as I was through the first tears after yet another row, I asked myself "okay, what can I learn from this episode?" - and so I made much progress with myself over those three years, while I felt he didn't. But he really was the perfect "karmic" mirror man.

Only yesterday I had another "epiphany" and realized one thing he said on that last evening and that then enraged me concerning my work was after all absolutely correct. He has so much instinctive wisdom, but when it came to relationships he was just unable to get over his fears and to open his heart.

He had said "keep doing what you're doing - and enjoy it". I felt so misunderstood, but he was right. I have this job now, and as long as I haven’t found anything else I’ll try to enjoy it. At the same time I’m not going to take any pressure anymore re. those dull and repetitive tasks. It’s all stuff I’ve taken over from others because they hated it and now I won’t let them tell me anymore that „XY has to be done NOW“. I’ll do one task after the other and try to stay relaxed.

And I realized something else this weekend which is even more important (and might also help your friend?):
1. That very special, regulated situation we had was not doable anymore once he had bought the other appartment. There were two ways out and he chose the one that felt safer for him.
2. He knew we would keep being attracted to each other unless he did something „unforgiveable“. My greatest fear had always been „not to be good enough and to be exchanged for someone else“, so he did just that. Mirror man…
3. So he did the worst thing I ever feared from a man – and so far I survived it, although it sometimes feels like I couldn’t. But now what is there to fear anymore? If all goes well, he will have liberated me of a fear (of being abandoned) I’ve had since earliest childhood. A fear that of course makes sense when you’re small and helpless. But now at 44 I realize the fear doesn’t have a base anymore and I can leave it behind.

Since this weekend I feel much more balanced and at peace and actually feel that kind of „spiritual“ love for him when I think of him, and even gratitude to a certain extent. Okay – I might still completely overreact when I meet him in RL, but it’s a progress!

>152 LizzieD: Thank you so much Peggy! I bought 3 books this weekend that deal with empathy and "following your heart". 1 1/2 are read already, and I believe that now after all those negative feelings and the self-imposed pressure "to run away and find alternatives and soon!!!" I'll now try to get my stress level down and to live every day as relaxed and peaceful as I can. I hope the good things will come as soon I'm really ready to receive them - and so far I simply wasn't.

Silvia, one of my Positano friends who lives in Bolzano, invited me to join her women hiking group last Sunday for a trip to Garda lake. Of course I felt more like staying at home brooding and waiting for miracles, but I accepted and then it was such a great day. Fantastic weather, wonderful, slightly demanding climb to Monte Altissimo from where you can see all the lake from Riva to Sirmione, and then the best part was the descent through a lonely valley with so many beautiful wild flowers! It was a nice small group, you could talk when you wanted and also be alone and silent for a while. I did both, and as before when I went hiking, I got some inspiration from it.

Hi Nathalie I wish you a relaxed weekend.

Oh my goodness! Sirmione and Catullus!!!! I don't suppose anybody had a copy of the poem in the pocket? *sigh*

Another May book I'd completely forgotten I had read (in Milan)

43. Doomed by Chuck Palahniuk

After seeing some of the reviews here I reread the book‘s blurb and nowhere it says it‘s the middle part of a trilogy. That explains a lot and almost makes me forgive the overblown and strange ending, because clearly it won‘t be the ending. It also explains why a crucial scene, the one that ended the protagonist‘s life, is not told in detail, that has probably been done in part one. I also no longer need to wonder why Maddy the forever 13 years old main character goes straight from hell to purgatory which is in the middle between hell and heaven according to catholic beliefs (don‘t know about all the various protestant directions - the one I grew up with didn‘t even mention hell, I learned about that from my catholic great-grandmother).

Anyway - Maddy is dead, settled in hell and today's Halloween, so she‘s up on the earth and playing revenge on her old classmates. But she misses hell‘s midnight curfew and now is condemned to walk the earth as a ghost. She soon finds out her Brangelina-style Hollywood parents started a cult around her following a phone call she made earlier from hell pretending she was in heaven (book 1?): people now use swear words all the time, all races and genders are friends with each other because the values of the traditional religions have been abandoned. Maddy goes on a mission to end the cult - because contrary to what people believe now, heaven and hell exist, and all the bad-mannered people now march directly into hell after their deaths.

This was in parts greatly written with a humor I can deal with, but then again it felt too over-constructed or over-the-top. There is a disgusting and violent scene in a men‘s washroom that didn‘t just make me feel nauseous, it was also unbelievable given maddy‘s upbringing. I‘ll leave it at the 3 stars for now and will reconsider after having read the whole series.

Rating: 3 stars

June's going to be another self-help month:

44. Herzverstand by Ruediger Schache

This is the type of book I‘ve learned to avoid. Something half-spiritual by some German life-coach in that handy quadratic format, hardback with a sleeve in happy colors, thick paper, and it had an extra display in the bookshop. I just wanted to have a look at it, already having two other books in my hand. And then I found some ideas I thought I might want to have at home and bought it as well. Much of the book is to be forgotten quickly. I didn‘t like the writing much, it felt like a translation from an US book, but it isn't. I just read and „accepted“ all the stories about people who after a heart transplant suddenly showed characteristics clearly belonging to their donators. I believe that „strange“ things exist, but I don‘t want to make a religion out of the occurences told here - which btw. I think were all taken from the US. Are there no such stories in Germany or are US people more sensitive?

The book‘s scope - and there he was in my own line - is to stop torturing your head forever with questions the rational mind can‘t answer and instead handing them over to the heart. I agree with that because that‘s what I‘ve been trying to do now for a while, more or less successful. Being a life-coach, Schache provides some guidelines, basically 4 questions you should ask yourself with issues like „which of the two jobs should I chose“, „where do I want to live“, „what is my scope in life“, etc.

They are the 4 key questions and in order to give them some credibility there‘s much quoting of Socrates and other classic philosophers (which actually was more interesting than the heart transplant stories).

The questions are:
- does it feel right in the heart? (you hand an alternative from your mind to the heart and interpret the feeling)
- on which level am I thinking right now? (while going through an inner discours - are you in the logic and feel fear and insecurity or are you in the heart? try to be in the heart)
- what is my voluntary contribution? (now we‘re on coach territory - it might be something like letting go of the other alternatives or just - as is the case with my work - turn something you hate into something you do voluntarily as long as you have to do it)
- what is my visible step? (after having found out what‘s right for you you can only progress if you take a first visible step - and you‘ll immediately feel better)

I liked that main part and am using it. The first two questions had been in my routine already earlier and the last two help me gaining courage. I wouldn‘t have needed all the stuff around it though. Those books usually have a small important part you can actually use and much feel-good cotton candy around. You really feel better while reading it but it‘s gone in an anstant.

Rating: 3.5 stars

45. Du bist Dein Guru by Gabrielle Bernstein (Miracles Now in English)

This was the second book I had already in my hand when I grabbed the Schache above, and it‘s another one I hadn‘t been planning to buy. It looked too easy-going and fluffy, but I was wrong. Yes - it might not be for absolute beginners on the modern spiritual path who might become overwhelmed by the 108 small portions that come from anywhere - Buddhism, Hindiusm, Christian religions, general self-help, Kundalini yoga...

But for me the book‘s essence was „what helps can‘t be wrong“. I read it in two days, highlighted and marked like crazy and am using some of its techniques (meditations and „turn your thoughts around“ exercises) several times a day, almost as a life line. Yes, it‘s superficial, but in a good way. It‘s a quick helper and it feels like a friend I can call anytime and from anywhere.

Rating: 4.2 stars

>155 Ameise1: Hi Barbara, thank you - so far it's a good one. I hope the weather stays bad so I have an excuse to stay in :)

>156 LizzieD: Oh dear - last year when I spent a week in Sirmione I went to the Catullus villa, took loads of pictures (even with you LT people in my head!), and now when I checked that old thread I saw I never posted them! I was so sure I had! :(
I don't even know if I still have them because I changed mobile phones twice in the meantime and I changed PCs at work (I always used to download to the office PC because until recently I owned mine, so could do some private stuff on it as well).
Sirmione is run over by tourists every day in summer, but it's incredibly beautiful and Catullus had his villa built on the best spot of course.
But... I admit I don't know "the poem". Can you please tell me which one it is, I'd love to read it.

Today I was wakened by thunder already at 5:30. Now at 12:30 the second thunderstorm is just over, but the sky went grey again within minutes. I quite like the odd "thunder day" in summer, it takes the "do something outside" pressure off me.

*****
Yesterday I did my first voluntary service at the train station in Bolzano from 07:30 am till 1:30pm. It was more physically exhausting than I had expected and now I know why most of the other volunteers did just very short shifts (the official ones from the associations of course stayed long, but they're used to the work and I believe get at least a little money). But everyone else was from Bolzano, so of course they have more flexibility and can also do the odd hour or 2 during the week.

Some background:
Since April there has been a constant exodus of unregistered African refugees towards the Northern countries. They arrive with the infamous boats in Sicily or Lampedusa and are often directly sent north, either by their (mafia) contacts or by the local administrations who can't deal with the quantities anymore and are happy about everyone who's leaving. They are stopped in Rome, Milan (where the situation has become unbearable in the stations by now), Verona, again in Bolzano and then often at the Brenner. When they are caught in Austria they're usually sent back, get out in Bolzano or Verona and try again. (Austria has also reportedly started paying train tickets for their own refugees - Pakistanis and Afghan - arriving via the Balkan, sending them over their borders to Udine in Italy).
As the refugees are theoretically required to remain in the EU country they first set foot into, many of them try not to be registered in Italy and to get to Germany, France, Sweden instead to apply for asylum there. Why? Because the people smugglers on the African continent tell them they'll have work at once in those countries and a house and whatever else. Sicily and Lampedusa of course can't take any more people with thousands arriving every week, and the communities in the north simply refuse to take any - that part is embarrassing and incredible! Just yesterday one mayor of a seaside resort was quoted saying "we don't want to spoil the holidays for the tourists". France has closed their borders with Italy, so now hundreds of people are camping in Ventimiglia.

The processing of an ayslum application in Italy on average takes 1.5 years during which the applicant is not allowed to work!! Of course that leads to frustration and depression, especially given that those people are highly traumatized and all they want to do as soon as possible is to start working. The vast majority of the ones staying in Italy live in big "welcome centers" in the South where conditions are often dreadful and much is ruled by the mafia. Of course criminality goes up - often the people take on illegal jobs. When they are lucky they work illegally on farms, but many get involved in the drug business or sell other forbidden goods. The South is poor already and the refusal of the North to do their part is just unacceptable.

Now while Italy has taken on far less refugees than countries like Germany (they have about 4 times as many), they are unable to deal with the masses now transiting the country. Some of them are ill, scabies are becoming a real problem. So volunteers all over the country have now - often against the resistance of local police and train station administrations - started collecting food, money, clothes, meds to at least improve the conditions a little. The Red Cross is doing medical service in all stations as well.

When I arrived at the station there were already many refugees sitting around on the platform. I was ordered to prepare as many breakfast bags in the camper in front of the station as possible, but then a train arrived and suddenly there were over a hundred, so instead of individual bags I packed sacks just with apples or bread and handed out boxes of biscuits to the other helpers. Then they told me I should do lunch bags (with tins of tuna and plastic cutlery additionally to bread and fruit). I did about 80 of them, but before lunch the majority had hopped on a police-free train North, so the bags were kept for today. Those who stayed longer were mainly families with small children and those who needed medical help. There were several cases of scabies.

Then one of the association people showed me the main premises. Until some days ago they had been using a small waiting room for storage of clothes and meds, now finally the station admin had given them a much bigger unused room where they had put up tables and benches for the people to sit down during meals. There are also bathrooms and there's storage room with lockers which will be used as a clothes bank. So my second job for the day was unpacking an endless number of boxes with old clothes, donated by people and from other clothes banks. We sorted them into male/female/kids wear and then of course types of clothing. Much of it was unusable, but especially the kids things were often half-new and really nice.

Many people took the opportunity to take a shower and get a change of clothes. Communication was absolutely friendly and many of those I talked to were speaking quite good English. The children were enchanted by an old swivel chair which was great so they didn't get bored during their wait for fresh clothes. I admit I was surprised to see how easy it was to get into the work. Despite everything those people have been through so far, the atmosphere was friendly and quite lively.
All the volunteers were nice, and they even organized a steady presence of interpreters who also labelled all the new signs in Arab.

I am planning to do my next shift next Saturday, if possible starting earlier, because the main rush is around 8 when the early trains from Verona arrive. I just wish the EU governments would come to a resolution now on the 22nd of June that makes the handling easier and obligates all countries to take their share of refugees (depending on size, population and economic strength). The UN is still blocking all attempts to stop the people trafficking already in Libia with the great excuse that there isn't a real government to "discuss" with.
For Italy I'd wish they'd find a way to process those applications quicker - but it's a country where all criminal cases take on average 6 years, so what can be expected? At least they should let those people do some work as soon as they are registered and have a medical all-clear. What's the use of letting them sit around with 3 EUR a day with nothing to do?

Yay, still raining! :)
(and nature's certainly happy as well after all the heat and wind ==> extreme dryness)

I just want to announce that I might have another 2 low LT weeks because once again I am the holiday replacement of our receptionist. When I get through these 2 weeks "kind of loving" my work, then I can say things are improving. :)
In any case it means almost no internet during the day and longer hours. I'm also planning 2 yoga classes in the evenings, and my landlady announced she wants to have dinner with me before she leaves for her summer stay near Rome next Sunday.

Your volunteer work sounds amazing Nathalie, so badly needed. Good luck with your next two weeks.

I bow my head for your volunteer work, Nathalie.

>163 lauralkeet:, >164 Ameise1: thank you Laura and Barbara - but no head bowing, please!

I wanted to get into some kind of volunteering for a while (and wrote about my issues with it here earlier this year). Now this crisis situation is just something that touched me deeply, also because of the reactions in the greater part of the population. Half of my family once were refugees from the east and equally hated where they turned up - despite the same cultural origins and nationality, so how could I look away here?

When I travelled to Milan 3 weeks ago and was at the Bolzano station in the morning and saw all those people, I talked to one of the volunteers and asked how I could be of help despite my total lack of experience, and he told me they could use every hand and gave me a web address. So when I came back I contacted the association in the week following. It just took them a bit to get back to me and to register me for their service platform, but on Thursday I finally got their okay. They gave me an easy start on Saturday, I hope I'll be of help also when I'm working more directly with the people.

Good for you for volunteering where you're so desperately needed. Coordination among the EU nations, but I can't even begin to understand how complicated it would be. Meanwhile, you're doing your part, and the folks you deal with are fortunate to have you.
Glad to hear that even with the added hours, you're feeling better about work.
I found the Sirmio poem online here. That's not a great translation, but it gives you a little flavor.

Hi Natalie! Getting caught up with your posts... I have been kind of absent from LT for the past month. So cool that you did the MBTI tests! I had to go back and check my MBTI score from when our office went through a full-day MBTI session back early in 2013. Our office as a whole scored predominantly as being INTJ while my personal score was the same one you got - INFP.

Sorry to read that your experience of EXPO was kind of 'meh'. EXPOs are hard to gauge and don't always appeal to everyone in the same way. I have never attended EXPO but I get the impression that EXPO is built up to be something pretty darn special - like the Olympics or FIFA - although, FIFA seems to be very self focused on its self importance, based on the news I have been reading lately. ;-)

It can be hard sometime to maintain an attitude of "keep doing what you're doing - and enjoy it" so I am here to keep at it, even if you feel somewhat defeated. I tend to have good days and bad days and I find adopting an attitude of accepting small nuggets of good in my current job goes a long way to helping me stay sane and not get upset with all that occurs around me.

Oh, I miss thunderstorms. We don't get those very often where I live. There is something energizing in the raw power of nature that invigorates me.... and no, I have no desire to suddenly become a storm chaser or anything crazy like that.

Your volunteer work is inspiring. Good for you for making a difference!

The volunteering work that you are doing sounds so worthwhile. It's such a difficult and complex problem that it's so difficult to see what the overall solution might be, but the individuals must be so desperate to subject themselves and their children to the dangers of the sea crossing.

>166 LizzieD: thank you for the link! I admit I didn't really "get" the poem yet, but I was only having a quick look at it and poems, even short ones, need time.
I'm going to check for a German or Italian translation (or I could try and read Latin after.. err.. 25 years).
Still trying to look forward to a nice chat when the phone rings on the main line. It's not easy, but I believe people are more friendly when I smile while speaking (stumbling through) Italian.

>167 lkernagh: I didn't do the official big MBTI test you have to pay for, just some of the free ones. Another INFP - that's great! How do you live with it? :)
EXPOs never interested me and I didn't visit the one in Germany in 2000. But here I thought the theme was really interesting. I still look at the tripadvisor reviews every couple of days and there really are those 2 blocks of visitors: those who go to have fun (they usually rate with 5 stars) and those who go for the theme and are disappointed (1-2 star ratings).
FIFA? Well... I'm still determined not to watch the 2022 championship - but who knows where we'll be then anyway. Once again many German building companies have a big share in it... Whatever's good for the economy politicians seem to think.

My dad once bought a record with thunderstorm sounds (in the 70s) and we both liked listening to it and also watching real storms through the window while my mom was hiding in the basement. :)

>168 SandDune: It will be interesting to see if the numbers go down now after the G7 meeting when the borders are open again. Closing the borders has only made visible how many have been passing through before day by day.

It's such a shame that many people will always do the most horrible things to others if they can have a small gain from it. One German newspaper followed the main immigrant track from the west African countries through the Sahara desert to Libia and the Mediterranean. Everyone along the track is knowingly lying, spreading all those promises of easy life and future wealth, and of course young people are following. There are towns in Africa by now completely living on the passing migrants. Police barriers everywhere where bribes are demanded. And then the worst comes once they can board a boat towards Italy or Greece.

Refugees from Syria make only a small part of the total number (most of those try to get to Turkey, they can't afford the boats). There are loads of Eritreans now escaping military service which I read starts now at age 14 and can take decades. And for all the others - of course they want to make a better living and therefore leave home and families. And then when all goes "well" and they survive the trip they find themselves in some dirty dorm, wearing used clothes, with bad food and 3 EUR a day, forever not allowed to work.
We need a whole pack of solutions on different levels.

Riveted by your descriptions of your first day volunteering for the refugees.

Things sound good! We'll miss you -- but I love how busy you are and your attitude.

>138 Deern: Hi Natalie. I am ever so sorry you are going through so many things right now. I certainly can relate to the sheer hurt when a relationship you hoped would work falls apart, leaving you feeling rejected and filled with self doubt.

I am still hurt from a relationship 15-16 years ago. Silly, I saw the signs that I was into him more than he was to me, but I was so high just to reconnect with him again.
We had a relationship years ago and to have him back in my life was wonderful...for awhile. I began to see that he was very selfish. He would come to my house, but I was never invited to his. I know now that the relationship was not going to work ever. I am glad though for the four months of happiness that I had and the hope I held. I learned a lot, including to be more reserved and to pay attention to my intuition. It never fails me. I simply didn't want to heed what it was saying.

I send all good wishes for bright, beautiful things to come your way. You deserve the best life has to offer.

Another INFP - that's great! How do you live with it? :)

There are days where its a challenge, usually when events or situations I am unable to control or influence involve or impact me. When that happens, the day(s) can be a struggle to get through, because I tend to get frustrated. My other half is my sounding board to talk problems through and not bottle it up inside. Of course, there are times when his 'help' just increases my frustration, and that is when I take myself off for a good long walk. Fresh air, exercise and time alone helps. I am usually burned out after a day spent interacting with people at the office, which is why I like my walks to and from the office. Those walks are each 30 minutes of 'me' time, giving me time to prep for a day or evening. Also, 18 months ago I became a 'mobile worker' which means I do not have an assigned desk area, I can choose any of the unoccupied mobile or collaboration areas in the office as my work area. That has had a huge positive effect on my work as I tend to mix it up as to where I work on a day-to-day basis and gives me the flexibility to distance myself from situations that can increase my frustration levels.

>170 sibylline: Thank you Lucy, trying my best to keep up the (half-)positive attitude re work. We all know it's just a temporary thing, I can't do that job forever (or at least they won't pay me as much), but as long as there's no alternative I try to enjoy the good moments (interaction with all my nice colleagues) and not to get frustrated with the rest. :)

>171 Whisper1: {{{{Linda}}}}
Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your story here. I am so sorry you had to go through this and that you're still hurting. More hugs are on the way!!

My intuition back then also told me to stay away from him, but my friends were all for giving it a try - and most importantly an inner voice (or voice of inspiration) then told me that I needed him for my development, and that was definitely true.

And still of course it hurts terribly. But maybe I needed to be confronted with that old fear? When I was a kid I so often imagined that my parents would abondon me somewhere, and when I make it home somehow they would have moved away and the neighbors would pretend not to know me - I would have lost my identity and former existence. Some of those fears were caused by those very early and long hospital experiences without parental contact no doubt, but then I also had that idea in my head that my parents would have wished for a different child. Because they had those very opposite expectations in me and rarely both were proud at the same time. Then it was "my fault" that my mom couldn't have more children (of course it wasn't, but it was so often said "jokingly" when I was very young, that I half believed it).

I took that into adulthood, automatically expecting any man would let me fall and forget me immediately if he could have someone better, and maybe it just had to happen in RL eventually. Now I know I can survive it, but it still feels monstrous that someone was able to do that from one minute to the next.

>172 lkernagh: thank you for sharing this, Lori!

Finding out about the type has helped me feeling more normal again. I always thought I'd just have to try harder - meet more people, attend more social events, be a better salesperson, do some work with much people contact, etc. Now I know that's all not for me and that I'm not alone with it.

Ex-guy I'd say was an ESFJ - quite contrary, but in theory in a good way, if both make compromises (which he couldn't). I didn't mind his need to go out and meet friends all the time because that gave me so much quiet time for myself, and as a result it never became boring. And he was a good sounding board as well.

I found I can't work well in fixed shifts - like now while I'm doing the receptionist's job and can't "escape" before 6pm. I prefer working through lunch break and leave earlier or just go away for an hour to do my grocery shopping or to the dentist. That was also essential in my old job - we did many extra hours, but you could balance it out any time of the day in quieter times. The mobile working sounds like something I'd enjoy as well.

I stopped watching the TV news about two years ago when I noticed I felt increasingly emotionally manipulated. Now I read various online newspapers, trying to get a better and more objective overview.

And walks are great!! :)

Just checking in and waving :)

>176 BekkaJo: *waving back* :)))

It is good to read some positive about the huge amounts of refugees in Italy, instead of the drepressing news I read almost daily... That there are still people who DO care. Thank you!

I didn't say, but I'm INFJ according to the online test I took. That sounds about right to me.......
Just came by to speak, so "Hi, Nathalie!"

>178 FAMeulstee: Hi Anita! :)
I keep reading lots of good things about how people in the towns react, by bringing food and clothes and toys for the kids, that gives me some hope.

>179 LizzieD: Yay, another INF*, hi Peggy! :)

**********************
I've been sleeping badly this week and feel quite out of energy. I had a delicious dinner with my landlady last night, but now my stomach is a bit upset and I'm soooo tired...
She leaves for her yearly summer stay in Rome on Sunday. We decided that we'll take definite steps re. the appartment when she's back, I hope that then at least I know if I'll stay in Merano or go away. Moving to another place in Merano just for a short time wouldn't make any sense (just thinking of all the administrational tasks makes me feel ill), so we'll leave both options open a bit longer.

Hi Nathalie, I wish you a wonderful weekend.

Aw - I'm not a gardening person, but I'd love to have a garden with such beautiful flowers! Thank you Barbara! :)

***************
I got quite well through the first week at the reception desk and through my second voluntary service on Saturday. I slept through half of Sunday, but the weather was cool and windy anyway, so I didn't miss anything outside.

The situation at the station has much improved with the new rooms. There's a corner for clothes now where everything is in order, a small room where food is stored and the breakfast and lunch bags are prepared, and in the big eating room they even made a play corner with rugs and toys, the kids love it.

I spent yesterday's afternoon making some progress on the longest book ever, This Changes Everything by Naomi Klein. I finally got over the 50% mark, finished the chapter on geoengineering (spraying sulphur into the atmosphere to dim the sun and so stop global warming - really??) without killing myself in desperation and am now in the part where she's finally giving some much-needed hope.

That does not sound like a book for somebody a bit under the weather!!!!
Will you explain something for me, Nathalie. in Alone in Berlin Fallada quotes Goring as saying that if the British bomb the Ruhr, his name is Meier. The explanation online is that "Meier" is a very common German name. That explains nothing to me. Can you help?
Also, I'm wondering whether the stilted, cliched language is a result of the translation or is the way Fallada wrote in German. Oops. I have to run. I'll be back later with a quotation or two for you to look at if you don't mind.
Many thanks ahead of time!

oops we cross-posted. :)
I don't remember that bit, but in German people often said "if (something almost impossible) happens my name is XYZ/ you can call me XYZ/ I'll eat a broom". I'd say that only the broom version survived. It means that Goering didn't expect the British to bomb the Ruhr and that he was ready to bet his "good" name on it and exchange it against one of the most common names in Germany.
Translating that 1:1 into English without an annotation is strange...
And the language in German was sparse and old-fashioned and "rough", but after some pages it worked well. Looking forward to the quotes!

Many thanks for the Meier explanation. That does make sense, and I'm surprised that I can't think of an American equivalent. We say, "If I don't do something good or do something bad, my name will be Mudd," but that's a reference to Dr. Samuel Mudd who had conspired earlier with John Wilkes Booth and set his leg after the Lincoln assassination. There are probably others, but it's too hot to think now.
I see that Fallada was born in 1893, so that might possibly account for some of the stiffness. Maybe also the whole language treatment is to underscore the absolute ordinariness of the people involved? Anyway, here are some quotations from the part that I read today (in chapters 31 and 32).
"Enno trembled under the level stare of those mocking eyes. He knew the eyes would draw everything out of him, he would blab, and then one way or another he was lost for ever more..."
"You promised me five hundred smackers if I hand Enno over to you."
The "blab" and "smackers" sound implausible to me. My guess now is that the translator was being faithful to the German.
Thank you again for giving this a second thought, Nathalie.

ETA: Every Man Dies Alone seems a much more appropriate title than Alone in Berlin. I do wonder why publishers, Penguin in this case, have to change titles!

I've been sitting here trying to think of an American equiv. Mudd is about the best there is!

>185 LizzieD: I searched those 2 quotes this morning and doing this I realized I can't reread this book yet. I loved it and imo it's one of the most important German books of the last century, but as far from a feelgood story as can be. Anyway - the original for "smackers" was "Eier" = eggs which is an expression for money I believe I haven't read anywhere else. No-one uses it. With the Berlin background I would have gone for "Piepen" (pronounced "peepen" but more related to pipes), just as outdated but far better known.
"Blab" is the translation for "ausquatschen" and 100% faithful to the original I'd say.

*taking "blab" from the list of English words to be used*

It's interesting that Fallada used 1940s Berlin street slang - you could almost say gutter slang (Berlin was famous for that) to give more credibility to his characters and that this is an element that nowadays makes the book difficult to read while reading an early 1900s Thomas Mann or even a 1800s (or late 1700s) Goethe is a feast for a language enthusiast.

Maybe changing the title was a "PC" move, because "man" today is understood as exclusively male? But then why not use "everyone" instead?

>185 LizzieD:, >186 sibylline: thanks for the Mudd quote, that's interesting.
I remember the "eating a broom" from a kids' TV in the 70s. In the end the character lost the bet but had prepared a chocolate broom. :)

Very interesting discussion about translations. The Eier for money is still known to me and 'eating a broom stick' I still use frequently.

Nathalie, thank you so much for looking up those quotations! You have answered my question. I think that had I been a translator, I would have tried to get the flavor of the 40s NYC streets for American readers rather than being so literal. You have certainly helped me appreciate the book more although I was already appreciating the whole atmosphere of fear and suspicion as well as the characters. I agree about its importance!
Last year I read The Quiet Twin that examines the same period - or maybe a touch earlier and set in Vienna - with the same creepy effect. It, however, had something of a mystical tone so that the characters were not so instantly believable as these.
Surely the PC cops don't care about "Man" in the title of a 40s book when that's what the author wrote!?!?! Or maybe they do.
Anyway, here's one last quotation that must be a literal translation again, but that I find disturbingly funny in any language! ---- "The little pot-belly raised a finger."

>188 Ameise1: I believe we "eat" more Besen than Besenstiele hier, but I know both. There's also still the hat/Hut that could be eaten. :)

>189 LizzieD: Err... where's that quotation now? I glanced through the terrible chapter 32 but didn't find it.
Disturbingly funny sounds just right. :))
I agree that translating slang is difficult enough, but translating outdated slang must be far worse. So they decided the English readers should go through the same feeling of disconnection the modern German reader experiences with the text?
I remember being disappointed with the lauded English translation of "war and peace" although it claimed to be close to the Russian text. I preferred an older version that gave me a better idea of the atmosphere and where the reading just felt good and I didn't stumble over strange constructions and the many repetitions that might be typical for Russian, but in English (for me) just sounded wrong.

Oops. Sorry! The "little pot-belly" is Inspector Zott in chapter 39.
I'm still not sure that out-dated American slang (or British slang, for that matter) wouldn't give an English-speaker closer to something like the same reaction of a modern German reading the original. It would be one less hurdle to jump.
On the other hand, I've read only one old translation of *W&P*, the Constance Garnett one, and it was again, obviously a translation. I have the one by the Mauds -still old - but I think I will like it better. I have an LT friend whose work has been translating from the Russian, but I can't remember what she said she liked when I asked her..... Anyway, I have deprived myself of a lot of literature just because I object to reading in translation. When I find a good one like the person who translates Murakami, I'm ecstatic!
I'll eat my hat if I don't ask Joan again about Tolstoy! (*grin*)

>189 LizzieD:: "Der kleine Spitzbauch hob den Finger" - yeah, 1:1. I wonder if that is a typical result of that outdated writer's rule that you shouldn't use the same name or expression repeatedly in a chapter and instead find original descriptive alternatives.

Looking through that chapter I found another expression that immediately let me go "aaaargh": "klar wie Kloßbrühe" (sth like clear as broth with dumplings). Now I remember I had many "aaargh" moments reading that book... :)

The English Murakami translations are Murakami-authorized I read somewhere. They started re-translating him in German which was high time, directly from the Japanese instead of using the English text as a bridge. I read South of the Border in German years ago, and it was horrible, since then I read him exclusively in English.

Edit: the translation plays such an important role in an author's success in a different country. Murakami isn't as popular in Germany as he's in the English speaking countries, and here in Italy I noticed that both Murakami and Banana Yoshimoto are real big names, I should try a short Yoshimoto in Italian.

Hi Nathalie, I wish you a lovely weekend.

Almost belated HAPPY WEEKEND to everyone!

>193 Ameise1: Another lovely pic!! Almost Zen, so calming, thank you so much!!

Well--- this has been another period of ups and downs, more downs than ups I'm afraid, but as I said before, the more "summery" summer gets, the more low I've been feeling every year since forever.

Good things: I got through the receptionist work quite well and thanks heavens it's over now. It's getting easier, but fun is different. The component I enjoy most is the interaction with so many co-workers. The one I enjoy least of course is answering the phone and having to lie for all those colleagues who don't want to speak to the person who's calling for them. There was the one insurance guy who called x times last time I did that job in March, and my boss finally asked him to call back in June, it seems. Of course I couldn't believe my luck when that guy started calling again the day I started my phone duty and again I wasn't allowed to put him through every single day. I felt like an idiot because of course he knew I was lying. :(

Another good thing: I won my third ER. Something spiritual which fits my mood quite well, and again the only book among the handful ERs available for me that sounded good. I wrote a review for the last one, The Book of Names by Royce Levills (which I still must copy into this thread), so that might have pushed my request up.

I finished two audio books this weekend, both by Michael A. Singer: The Untethered Soul and The Surrender Experiment. They fit my situation perfectly, I'll write some more in the next post.

It's unbearably hot here (as almost everywhere else I believe). Still, in an unexplainable burst of energy I managed to clean all my windows this morning as well as the terrace and the railing (many meters of that) and the shutters, and finally the floors inside. I should still do some ironing, but now it's too hot and I can just sit and drink ice tea and sweat.

Now the next thing... did I ever write about my super-spiritual dream I had many years ago around the time when I also found LT and which I can't get out of my head since? It was a very stressful time and maybe because of that I was super-intuitive and "open". So here it is in spoilers:

So I am on that boat with all my colleagues on the Rhine to celebrate some project. There is some guy I'm in love with (who didn't exist in RL) who seems more interested in one of my colleagues and I feel that typical pang of jealousy and worthlessness, it hurts terribly. I leave the upper deck and in an act of desperation jump overboard. I'm at once under the surface and in a total panic, struggling not to breathe in because then I'd invariably die. (I believe the purpose of jumping was to get away from the party, not to commit suicide). Anyway, at some point I accept I'm lost and give up the fight and take a deep breath - and realize I can breathe. And swim, or better float. Like a fish or a mermaid. The water is my element and the moment I give up my resistance, I am filled with a happiness I never experienced before. I enjoy it all for a good while and then return to the boat where I'm taken aboard and wrapped into white big soft towels. I return to the party upstairs, look at the girl I was earlier jealous of, and just feel love and sympathy for her. I put one of my towels around her shoulders so she's warm, then I turn around towards the exit, because we're approaching a wharf. I ask the man if he's coming with me, and without hesitation he does. We leave the boat, and while it departs I realize it will never return, and that I'm free (okay, except for that man next to me of course).

While all the last years I believed I was still onboard and considering jumping, I only realized about two weeks ago that for ages I have been in the water and struggling like crazy and that all I had to finally do was "let go", i.e. give up my resistance to life.

And as things sometimes miraculously fall into place, 3 days ago I remembered it was months since I got an audiobook, so I checked into audible where I found the 2 Michael A. Singer books among my recommendations. And what are they about? Yes, letting go, accepting the flow of life and becoming part of it

The first book, The Untethered Soul is like a manual, and I recognized myself/ my behaviour in so many places, that sometimes I had to laugh and at other times I was crying. In the second book he describes his own journey, and while his world is really different from mine (from 70s hippie to multi-millionair), I found it quite inspiring as well. But he was already a serious yogi and practised meditation all the time when he decided to let go off all resistance. I was wondering how this can be applied to quite-normal people whose personal goal isn't living in the woods on their own, meditating all day. People who just want to be happier in their lifes and do something useful. So I guess... I'll just give it a try. For a week, maybe, and then see how things go. And it will be very, very,(....), very, very hard.

But TUS put some things into a new perspective. The "unevitability" of ex-guy, for example. I mean - he lead me through all those valleys and confronted me with most of my old fears. If growing is connected with pain, then I grew a lot during those 3 years. And the last thing he did was definitely the one thing I feared most and it hurt me to my very core. Yes - I still have those moments where I believe I can't live, the pain is just too much to bear, but what he has done is the worst I could ever imagine, and when I'm through with it, I will finally be free - if I keep being open and "loving" about it despite the pain, as I instinctively tried doing from the beginning, instead of closing down and brewing in those bad feelings (which is what most people I know would do, rage and revenge seeking just seem the normal reaction).

During those various crisis situations I also learned to detach myself from my reactions, i.e. watching myself going through the emotion which according to Singer is a prerequisite to be able to let go.

So I'll be more watchful/conscious from now on also in my everyday duties, and I'll try to accept everything that's offered to me this week. I wonder what will be the results. Quite exciting, don't you think? :))

I do think! Your thoughtfulness and determination are inspiring!

Good point about the difference between applying these ideas to a more ordinary existence.

>197 sibylline: Yes, Singer was at the right time at the right places, especially when he discovered his love for programming in the early IT days and ended up leading a multi-million (or billion?) dollar corporation some years later. But he explains that on every step he had to overcome inner resistance because what he really wanted was a quiet life in the woods which the universe obviously just wasn't willing to offer him.

I try not to challenge the concept too much though. Those (usually US) authors like Singer, Hay and all the others always tell you about the wonderful things you'll experience once you learn "to accept", and then their success stories give you the idea that you'll invariably end up wealthy, healthy and with a fantastic family life and lots of friends. In reality you'll just learn not to hate your situation anymore and feel sufficiently happy with what life offers you.

My thoughts then still automatically go to events like the Holocaust or to one of the many crisis spots in today's world or to the situation of a child in Bangladesh that has to produce the clothes I'm wearing. Inner peace and acceptance probably won't make any of those lifes safer or financially better, and that's always the moment when I want to give up. And then I think "but I am fortunate to live in a (still) safe place and not having to worry about my next meal, I have the luxury to be able to do that spiritual stuff, and not doing it out of guilt won't help anyone". I don't expect to become rich, just to find my place in this world where I can make a contribution in some way.

Edit: In TuS I loved the first chapter about the inner voice ("your constantly chattering inner roommate") that always tells us those terrible things about ourselves which we'd never accept from a real person. It reminded me of the one time early in April when I wrote down what that voice said and was shocked when I read it the next day. The examples are really funny and make it easy to get into the book.

Happy sunday, Nathalie.

Happy still-quite-fresh week, Barbara! :)
Aaaargh - the "African heatwave" (anti-ciclone africano) is coming back, they "promised" 40 degrees for the next days and my house never got a chance to cool down after the last one because the temperatures always remained above 30°C... So thank you for that refreshing looking well!

Instead of a real holiday I quite spontaneously took a long weekend from Saturday to yesterday and went to the North of Garda lake. I also took Friday off to do my Bolzano station service. They are perfectly organized by now and have many Bolzano volunteers every day, so last week I applied for a different volunteer job in the new refugee house in Merano.

Garda lake was lovely as ever and I brought my old heavy notebook with me to LT, because on the hotel website it said I needed a cable connection for the internet. Surprise - that information was dated and they now offer wi-fi. Not so surprisingly, the wi-fi was so weak that I was without internet all weekend. It worked okay when I was sitting on the floor next to the door, but that wasn't a good place to sit at all.

I visited the town Riva on Saturday and on Sunday I for once stayed in the pool area until my Montalbano book was finished and the sun was reaching me under my previously shadowy tree. So I showered, went into town again and had an aperitivo in an English-Italian bar called "Notting Hill".

On Monday I offered my inner child some fun and finally took it to "Gardaland", Italy's most famous amusement park which will celebrate its 40th birthday next Saturday.
It was fun yes, although it was a strange experience visiting such a place as the only single woman among all the families and teenagers. Of course I did just the harmless rides, including a classical merry-go-round with wooden horses and a little train. But I also went to the 4D cinema to see a 10 minute "Ice Age"-mini-movie and I did the easiest water roller-coaster.

And I read and listened to some books - reviews are coming.

This one is a June book and the first one in ages I reviewed on the book page because it was an ER:

46. The Book of Names: Stories by Royce Llewyn

I was so happy to see a book that’s not a 50 Shades or Twilight copycat available for me as ER that I requested it at once (I should add that the list of ER books available in Italy is always very short for copyright reasons and usually limited to the two mentioned categories in e-book format). It arrived as real paperbook by post and even had the author’s autograph inside – my first! How thoughtful – thank you!!

I usually avoid short stories. English is not my native language and it often takes me a couple of pages to get into the flow and in case of short stories I have to change focus too often to enjoy them fully. Now this book was a real exception. The stories were mostly super short but interesting and quirky enough that I always wanted to read „just one more“ when one was finished and so I got through the book quite quickly. I apologize however for taking so long to get started with it – RL got in the way.

The book has twenty stories on 243 pages, titles are character names. Some stories are set in the US, others in Australia and some in Europe, mainly Germany. For me the writing sounded a bit as if a German with an extraordinary English vocabulary had written them. I can’t really put my finger on it, but something in the way sentences were formed made it different from other English texts I usually read. It might also have been the use of third person narration in present tense which was a bit unusual.

The stories themselves are a mixed bag in a very good way, there was only one I didn’t get and that was „Sandra“. Some are very realistic, some are scary, one or two are dystopean. The ones set in Germany are very well observed imo, especially the one (forgot the title) with the 50th birthday. I am sure the author worked much personal experience into the more realistic stories, you believe them at once. But the quirky ones aren’t any weaker, often have surprising twists (the first one is a good example) and show that he has great imagination.

I am very glad I got this ER and I will keep the author on my watchlist from now on.

Rating: 4 stars

47. The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer - Warning: long and personal review!

I spent much of my free time of this month desperately trying to get successfully brainwashed by Michael A. Singer and Louise Hay/ Robert Holden. I listened to this book at least 4 times with countless rewinds and extra chapter re-listens.

Let’s say that my „summer low“ has fully gotten hold of me and of course much worse than in the last years. 2012 was bad because the company was failing, but then neighbour guy turned up and distracted me from the black hole I was in danger of falling into. Of course he added the extra relationship anxieties that automatically came up, but in those first months he was „there“ and offered something like an asylum. The next two summers were stabile work- and money-wise (though not „fulfilled“ of course), and „we“ had our worst times always in winter, so my summer lows were bearable and not considerably worse than in my Frankfurt years. This year however…. I can’t say how grateful I am that this book „found me“.

I thought it was comparatively difficult to follow, even given that I did so much spiritual stuff lately. So I don’t know how it will be for others. Anyway, it picked me up right at the point of my dream which I had only recently discussed again with my therapist and the question where I was now – still aboard and considering jumping or already in the water, fighting llike crazy? Well, as I posted above, I believe now I’m definitely in the water and unable to stop struggling and wasting lots and lots of energy.
And where all the Hay books and others I read in the past year don’t help, this one offers a way, by simply saying „stop fighting, right now“. Not first asking myself 4 questions to see if the stuff I’m scared of is a real threat or by turning my negative thoughts into loving positive ones. That’s all far too much effort and before I only half get there I'm already sinking.

This book is fantastic! It starts with the easy part about the constantly chattering inner room mate which is really, really funny. I listened to that part so many times now and I still have to laugh when Singer describes the scene of watching a love story on TV and the IRR starts screaming abuse at the couple because he’s just through a painful divorce. It’s SO true!
Then comes a more complicated part about thoughts not being „us“ but mere objects and about energy, and then the heavy work starts where he really took me to my roots.

I see many things differently now, which doesn’t make them easier to accept – on the contrary! When I said at some point that ex-guy’s behaviour doesn’t fit into my system of values, this means that my system is built „on sand“, because what happened did happen in reality, and if my „system“ didn’t provide for it, it clearly didn’t work. The system of course ist the ego, built up over many years in a place where the „self“ should be, but isn’t and never was visible for me.

Following that train of thoughts was difficult, but now I have to say that it feels right. I grew up feeling unloved and confused from all those contradictive messages and built myself a system to cling to, to feel safe, to function in the eyes of others. I had to, it was the only thing I could do then. And then I did whatever possible to let no-one and nothing in so I wouldn’t get hurt again. I avoided most close friendships and had only 3 boyfriends/ partners, always watching them closely from the beginning. Most of the time I did "safe" work I didn't love but that provided regular income.

The events of this year in both my work and my private life didn’t just shake up that building a little bit, they ripped it apart. And of course during those past 3 months I’ve been doing what Singer calls the usual reaction: trying to explain what happened in a way that I can rebuild that house with the old stones (beliefs/values) and feel „safe“ again. Actually, he caught me in the middle of just doing that. He says „leave it alone and just live“. So I'll have to accept that I have been left and cut off and can't do a thing against it. I have to accept that no matter how hard I work, I don't fit into this job and it makes me unhappy. I won't get my control back in these areas and I never had it.

We should of course „process“ the pain of actual events, but keep them separate from the old fears that lead us to build the false system. Those fears, when they come up on various occasions, should be watched from a distance and sent through the heart“. This is spiritual speak for something I’ve been doing for a while on smaller events with some success.

The recipe for basically everything is „if something feels just a little bad (or too good), get into the observer’s seat and watch your reactions and that will help you to let go“. It’s not suppression of feelings, you’re encouraged to face your stuff, but with a distance because it's old and over, and to get through it once and for all and not to build up any new resistances or „thought constructions“.
This is far less sweet and much more painful than the positive affirmation approach, but when you’re in a situation of inner crisis, it’s also much more helpful, because it's quick and you don't have to recall and methods or "right expressions".

After the very intense chapters on fears, thought buildings and necessary pain follow chapters on death and on god/belief which I found easier to process, far less painful.

Rating: 4.5 stars


*************
I'd like to add that of course our self-constructed egos/belief systems/however you want to call it are completely individual and dependent from your early experiences. What looks like no big deal to me might bring someone else to the edge and vice versa. Death has always been scary for me but also unavoidable and "out of my control", so it never was my greatest fear. I've always made sure not to part with someone in anger if I can avoid it, just in case... there isn't much else you can do I guess.

I believe you can get hurt most in that area which you have been protecting and controlling most, and in my case it was something along the lines of "as long as I do my very best for the ones I love, I will be loved back or at least will be safe, they won't intentionally leave and forget me". Somehow this can also be applied to work.

48. The Surrender Experiment by Michael a. Singer

This is Michae A. Singer’s second book and while it was an interesting listen (he narrates this one himself), I doubt I will fully listen to it again soon. The idea of course is fascinating: in this autobiography he reports how the concept of full acceptance worked out for him. But as I wrote in an earlier post, I don’t like the suggestion that good behaviour brings almost instant gratification. I don’t like it because the secret belief in that idea is one of my major problems, one of the ideas I’d like to get rid of.

Of course Singer’s story covers a period of about 40 years and the „big“ things all happen later after a slow start. But this is an audio book of what – 6 hours? So for the reader/listener it exactly sounds like instant gratification and that’s dangerous because you're likely to give up too soon. Not that I ever wanted to found a huge spiritual community in the woods, start a building company, then a computer company that quickly turns into a multi-million-dollar corporation. Something very much smaller would do thank you - but I don't want to expect anything as a reward for being good, because that's what I've already been doing for 44 years.

Stories like that sell well, but I would have preferred something more normal. Something like „I continued in the same old job for another 5 years until something new was offered to me, but I was no longer stressed and was able to enjoy my work“. Or the break-up with his first wife: he goes away to process it. Who can „go away“ from civilisation who isn’t a male hippie student in the early 70s? How about the duty to either drag yourself to work every day or quit and go on the dole because you have to officially „exist“ in some kind of government register – either as a tax payer or as a receiver of state money? And how exactly did he „process“ it? He was in the woods and in Mexico (I believe) and meditated a lot. But he doesn’t speak about the pain. He generally mentions personal pain only rarely (if at all) in this book and after the manual I would have liked to get some insight of how he applied his ideas into his own life especially in that "fake thought building" and pain area. When his father dies he merely says „it was good we made up before his death because this way he could still teach me everything about finances and business“.

He speaks continuously about the inner resistance he had to overcome for every new project, but that resistance was mainly his dream to live cut off from the world in the woods and dedicate his life to prayer and meditation. It wasn’t „but my job“, „but my partner“, „but my house“, „but my mortgage payments“. He was super young and had no real duties when he started. The „hippie in the woods“ dream could quite easily be overridden or better postponed when the universe offered something new because it was „just“ an inner restriction, there weren’t many outside obstacles.

Rating: 3.5 stars

I made progress with the Montalbano series and yay - Sicilian Italian finally gets easier to read:

49. La Gita a Tindari by Andrea Camilleri (Montalbano series #6)

This must be the first Montalbano I almost fully enjoyed. It’s close to real life as usual, and it seems pensioners in the South aren’t much different from those in the North. Livia almost wasn’t there at all and the case of the missing old couple who didn’t return from a day trip (to Tindari) was interesting. Montalbano of course was terrible as usual, and I know I don’t like him because he is basically what I’d have to deal with should I ever find another Italian man. He is typical, and he’s hopeless! The way he handles Mimi’s upcoming marriage is so utterly shameful, but absolutely realistic. It's all about HIM! He’s such an intelligent man with a complete inability to resolve his own issues in a mature way. Made a mistake? Who can I blame for it so I feel instantly better? Or better: who can I punish for it? It gets even worse in the next book which I read the following day.

Rating: 3.8 stars

50. L'odore della notte by Andrea Camilleri (Montalbano series #7)

Another interesting and a bit unusual case because it takes quite long for the first dead body to surface. But also one of those books where the reader will know much earlier than Montalbano who is responsible for the disappearance of the fraudster Gargano. And the reader also knows well what is going to happen to that pullover the forever hopeful Livia has bought for her Salvo in London.

In this book Montalbano – while feeling old and vulnerable – surpasses himself in immature behaviour, early on vandalizing a newly built villa because „his“ tree was felled for it. Yes, I know the tree was important, Camilleri made a big business of that tree in the Tindari book, but the guy is over 50 and the owner of the villa couldn’t know the tree had any meaning to anyone. And his communications with the Questore are just as impossible. And then there’s Mimi… Is there any hope for Italian men at all? Yes, definitely taking the Montalbano books too personal, but at least from my rants you’ll know the characters are realistic. :)

Rating: 3 stars

51. Life Loves you by Robert Holden and Louise L. Hay

I bought 3 audio books on that critical day when I found the Singers and this is #3. Nothing really new in this one. It was the promised exercise part they got me with, otherwise I wouldn't have bought it. This one’s written by Robert Holden in co-operation with Louise Hay and he is also the narrator oft he audio book. Narrating your own book isn’t always a good idea and in this case I had some issues. Okay – it took me a while last year to get used to Hay’s rough and dark voice and „melody“ of speaking and the side-noises in the old recordings, but Holden’s voice, while clear and pleasant and very English, could have done with some more „ups and downs“. The way it went I often just „fell off the train“ and had to rewind many minutes or whole chapters. Of course those are issues of someone who isn't used to listen to English daily. My ears need something extra to get hooked when I listen to texts in a foreign language, also while watching TV documentaries, both in Italian and English (though missing "ups and downs" aren't a problem with Italian in general, there it's more the speed and dialects ).

This book complements Singer’s TuS quite well, I’d say it has the same concepts, just beautified with many mentions of „love“. It has a very similar theory on the ego, or here the „dysfunctionally independent person“ and it has one exercise about forgiving yourself and others that made me break into tears the moment I started it.

For this, the book gets 4 stars

Nathalie, I listened to The Untethered Soul a few months ago in short increments as I was falling asleep at night. I found it so relaxing that I'm sure I must have slept through part of it. I will probably repeat the experience again to get even more out of it. There aren't many self-help books that I would read or listen to again. I liked that he wasn't preachy or too simple-minded. He just sounded like a regular guy sharing what worked for him.

Nathalie, what an amazing life you have! Like Lucy, I find you an inspiration.
I'll just note that living the Christian life is a lot about hearing and letting go - MUCH easier said than done.
And then, the pull toward the contemplative life ---- I'm not sure whether for me the appeal is legitimate or just romantic, but it's hard to do in an ordinary situation.
And you remind me that I have yet to read the first Montalbano. I will.... I will....

>206 Donna828: hello Donna - you're right, it's a great audiobook with a very good narrator imo (forgot the name, but it's not Singer - he narrates his autobiography, and not badly).
I fall asleep with each audiobook when I listen to it in the evening or while relaxing on the balcony. So it often takes many days and countless chapter restarts to get through a whole book. But to this one I also listened all day, even in the car. It's true, he wasn't preachy and he covered very much. Re-listening I noticed that even very bad life situation (imprisonment, starvation) get a mention, though a short one. Given the depth of this book I was a bit disappointed that he stayed more on the surface with The Surrender Experiment.

>207 LizzieD: Thank you for saying that Peggy. I often fear I might suck in other peoples' energies (which is another reason for being AWOL from time to time). I'm so glad if I can give something in return.

I don't remember anything about the first Montalbano except for it being so far the weakest one imo and that the quantity of the most drastic abuse has since been lowered in each book. So if you don't like it, don't give up after #1.

I've been thinking so much about religion and also all the different interpretations of Christianity lately... I used to think I'm an atheist, but since I had that dream and another (incredibly beautiful) one about death many years ago, I just say I'm not following a religion.
The Protestantism I grew up with was extremely liberal, but too sober to attract. You could as well have had no religion at all. Free will is great, but "love" was never ever given room, and I would have needed that. The Catholicism I see here is extremely guilt-ridden and self-righteous. The more South you go, the more colorful, but also the more oppressive it gets. The statues of Christ on the cross become bloodier, his face showing more suffering, the Madonnas cry more tears.
The concept of women going to mass and confession regularly to pray for their male family members who only attend church for Christmas and Easter is still quite alive here. The whole idea of being born a guilty sinner makes no sense for me (just thinking that babies that died before being baptised used to be buried outside the chuchyards).

But when you go back to the very roots, looking at Christ and not at all the religions and weird rules that followed, you can just think that he was perfect. :)

2 weeks ago we had a short discussion about religions at the Bolzano station. A catholic guy was surprised when I told him the Madonna had no meaning for me except for her role as human mother of Jesus. A very nice Muslim lady said for her the Christians and Jews(!) were like brothers and sisters because we shared the Abrahamic god, but that she couldn't do anything with the Eastern beliefs. She said she couldn't understand that the Catholics buy those little prayer cards with pictures of Jesus, because those will always end up in the trash - and in her opnion you can't throw away pictures of god or a prophet. This gave me a new idea of why reactions are so harsh re. those sketches - they will of course always be thrown away with the papers.

Edit: forgot to answer to the contemplative/ spiritual life... I always had that wish in times of crisis and I believe it was more a wish to run away and go into hiding. :)

Hi Nathalie! I am a big fan of spontaneous long weekends. I seem to enjoy them more than planned vacation time. Sounds like your trip to the lake was just the ticket.

Great job with the reading and posting reviews! I need to get back to my Montalbano reading. I think I left off at #11 in the series.

>209 lkernagh: Hi Lori, same here. Sometimes you just have to "escape" and it's great when that coincides in the middle of summer with one of the very few weekends with not so many tourists. I was surprised at how many rooms were still available. 2 weeks earlier everything was full and all August it will be hopeless...
Paul will be happy to see that I'm finally Montalbano-addicted. I started another 2, both short stories: Gli Arancini di Montalbano and the latest one Morte in Mare Aperto.
I like to read in chronological order, and I noticed I had missed the Arancini book. The other one seems to deal with a younger Montalbano, so I shouldn't have continuation problems and for once it's nice to read one that I believe hasn't been translated yet.
I noticed that in that book even the narrative is in Sicilian, that's a bit dangerous for me as a language student. Or maybe it will prepare me perfectly for a future life in Sicily? :)))

That would be cool!

Yesterday I finally started procedures for my Italian citizenship by requesting an international birth certificate from the registry of my birth town and a clearance certificate from the German Ministery of Justice. Once the documents arrive I have to get them translated, then fill in a form which is quite complicated, pay 200 EUR and wait. Probably for years. 

Interesting side note (especially for those who read Tim Parks or Camilleri): The clearance certificate from Germany costs 13 EUR including dispatch to Merano. Of the birth certs I ordered two (just in case), and they cost together 15 EUR with international dispatch, both low fees imo.
For the clearance one I had to get a stamp from the commune to certify the correctness of my data in the form (name, address, birthday). All they had to do was compare it to my passport and put a stamp on. That cost 16,53 EUR and what took longest was the usual discussion („we aren’t responsible“ – „but I called the German Ministry and they said a stamp of the commune will do fine“ – „I have to talk to my boss“ – „I already talked to him before coming here“…). You see I was well prepared. :)

My dad just sent me a scan of some childhood pics which a neighbor of my parents is going to work into a quilt. This is so exciting - we don't do quilts here, I only know them from US movies. I might get it for Christmas.
I cut and jpged 3 of the scans, made one my profile pic and will post the other two on my new thread. There aren't many baby pics of me for the known reasons, so I'm glad to finally have some here! :)


So, you are going to become an Italian citizen. I threaten to move to Canada when I get upset with American politics (which happens frequently), but I can't imagine being anything besides a citizen of the U.S. I do understand, though, that living in a country and having citizenship in another one must be confusing. Italy is beautiful, but then, so is Germany. I wish you all the best as a new Italian, Nathalie. Do you have to pass a test in order to change citizenship?

The Italian citizenship is quite exciting, Nathalie..... I assume that's dual citizenship? I think that's what my cousin a bit south of Rome did. He also married an Italian woman, so he'll never come back here.
You were such a cute baby!!!! I look forward to the other two, and the quilt sounds like a real winner!

Hi Donna and Peggy, yes Peggy's right. It would be a dual citizenship, and as an EU citizen you can get that already after 4 years when you have been earning enough money for the last 3 years and I'll complete my 6th year in October. I'd remain German by birthright and additionally become Italian, but only as long as I don't change country again.

It makes the administrational things much easier, for example you don't have to prove that you have a job when you're moving somewhere else (EU law says you can move freely, but Italians have their own interpretation and I had to bring many extra documents in 2009). Banking costs less and I believe is taxed differently. Finding work will be easier. I'd love to vote in the country where I live.

And should I ever travel to Greece again, I'd prefer to use a non-German passport. :)

Edit: and no, no test required in my case, Donna. I don't know about non-EU citizens though. In Germany they have to pass a test since about 10 years to prove they understand politics and constitutional rights and values and speak sufficient German. An ex-colleague from India married a German woman and could have had the German passport by marriage but absolutely wanted to go through the normal procedure. He said the test was easy.
I'm determined to work my way through the Italian constitution which is said to be very clear and one of the best in the world, although the rest of the law is super-complicated. The book sits on my shelf already, of course. :)