Kinda off for a Twilight club, but...

ok, so as the title says, this doesnt have anything to do with twilight, but I couldnt find another group to put this in that you would all see. Could you all give me your opinion on this poem i wrote? Its a war poem we had to write for English, but I'm pretty proud of it and wanted to see what you all thought. Its called "Every Man for Himself".

The bleak sun breaks on another weary day
It illuminates the ragged edges of ruined buildings
A few small fires still burn
Filling the air with choking smoke

Each day is a struggle to stay alive
Every sense has to be on red alert.
Searching for lost family members
Listening for the buzz of bombs overhead
Sniffing for gas leaking from broken pipes
Tasting fear, and salty tears running down my face
And feeling nothing but numb.

My feet stagger over piles of rubble
I don’t even notice how searing they are.
Almost robotically, I push away rocks and dirt
In the hope of finding something to eat.

After “breakfast time”, I continue to walk
And I come across a man
Trapped underneath a piece of concrete
He calls out pitifully for help
But I walk on.
I cannot afford to use any more of my dwindling strength
It is, as they say,
“Every man for himself.”

I trudge past an abandoned shop
A dim, flickering television catches my attention.
I stop and stare at the image
I cannot believe my ears.

It is an older looking man
From the amount of security, he must be important.
He clears his throat
And addresses the crowd.

“Our thoughts, prayers and well wishes
are with the people of Gaza in this time of need.”
He beams at the cameras
While his vast audience claps.

I fall to my knees and weep
A puddle steadily forming.
I weep for my family, my friends
All killed by this war.

For what use are words?
How will words help?
Will words protect us?
Shield us from gunfire and explosions?

Mere words do nothing.
We need action.

Casey, how old are you? I've never asked, but figured around 14 since Nicky's that age, or did Nicky just turn 15 recently? If I didn't know better, I'd think you were around 20. You have a gift for writing so should seriously consider developing your talent.

For me, your poem really captured war though only briefly in the sense that it ends abruptly. I realize this was for an English project, but think it could be worthy of a published poem if you elaborated more at the end plus there's a contradiction in the last line that leaves me puzzled and that line throws your poem off course.

If this person wants action, why would they resort to non-action by leaving the old man to die? It would be more poignant to me if the refugee, after watching that television program and thinking that action was needed, was to realize the irony of the situation and turn back around to go and help the old man. Proves the point that action speaks louder than words. Also, one person can make a difference (leading a revolution, rebuilding what was lost, or helping those who have also lost).

By the way, you could always start a private group for budding writers, or non-private one although I reckon private's better as you might want to publish something and it's less risky if you invite only those you trust not to publish it somewhere else.

Wow...

GOSH! Casey you are just super dooper! :)

Message 2: I'm 14. Thanks very much for your feedback, I really appreciate it and you made quite a few great points.

hmm well I don't really have anything to say about it. Just that it was good! :)

It was good! And I agree with Hermee, the guy should go back and help the old man! :)

:P

Wow Casey you should seriously do some research there are some poetry sites on line where your poem will be discovered and analysed by REAL poets i did it once and i got great advice only i don't remember where it was cause i gave y computer a virus awhile back so i haven't touched my account lately

Thanks. I'll try and find some of those websites.

No Problem alwayz willing to help a fellow poet

Casey a safer (virus and identity) way to send your poem could be through ASG every month they feature poems from children/teens all over Australia and the ones that they publish are really good and you wouldn't be able to believe they are written by 12 year olds. Every month they pick a winner and at the end of the year I think they publish it in a book but I am not completely sure but you are published in the monthly magazine. I think you can win money aswell but I think you have to be a member of ASG in the first place. Maybe try checking out the website it's probably asg.com.au but just type it in Google.
They are safe and legitimate and Australian

Hope that helps you :)

thanks again. gosh, people are so helpful these days! :D

^Yeah, you can GOOGAAALL it. XD

Yeah.......... aww I have no quote to say. *runs of and searches Narlenes profile for a quote*

I am honoured. :) *pops collar*
My fav line in the book:
Edward: "Is that what you dream about? Becoming a monster?"
Bella: "No. Mostly I dream about being with you forever."
*cries into frilly, pink hankerchief* :D

Do you really have a hankerchief? Why do you keep popping your collar.

Remember my fave. line because there is a big tie between the Lion and the Lamb one, the one you just wrote and another one. Gosh I need to read Twilight again.

^No, sadly, I do not have a hankerchief though it would be cool if I did. Like in movies how when people cry and people just pull out a hanky and everything's cool. Popping your collar is cool, you should try it sometime. :)

You do. I will too. :)

Yeah okay, the hankies designed for women (silky, lacy) are pretty.

I AM LAUGHING SO HARD! XD

ARE YOU KIDDING??????

THE WORD HANKY EVEN SOUNDS MANLY! IF YOU SHOWED UP AT SCHOOL AND WHIPPED OUT YOUR HANKY I WOULD PEE MY PANTS LAUGHING!

*wipes away tears and rearranges face into one of peaceful serenity*

"Do you have an appointment?"

LOLOL *laughing like a maniac* ask Casey what I was like in Maths today when you get the chance.

Oh yeah I know you want to read my story Casey but I'm just going to post it here because knowing my teacher I will never get it back.

Crossing over Twilight
“Hey, I miss you so much! It’s like the holidays have lasted forever.” It was the fourth day of the holidays and two girls Leila and Angeline were visiting their friend, Nicky. Leila and Angeline ran to her, gave her a massive hug and jumped around screaming because the ‘Twilight’ movie from their favourite series the ‘Twilight’ saga was going to be released soon.

“Oh my God! I am so excited! Rob Pattinson is so hot!”, Angeline screamed causing Nicky’s dad to come over and tell them to settle down.

“Sorry, Mr. Lee!, they chorused causing them to collapse in a fit of giggles.

Leaving Mr. Lee amused, they went into Nicky’s room to put their stuff away. On her bedroom walls were massive posters of the Twilight cast, Rob Pattinson, Taylor Lautner and a small picture of Kristen Stewart. On her computer wallpaper was the ‘Vanity Fair Twilight Cast’ shoot photos.

“Whoa! You have more Twilight posters than I do!, Leila exclaimed.

“Yeah, I know. Let’s log onto LibraryThing.com and see if anyone from school has been on,” replied Nicky.

So on Nicky’s laptop, the girls logged on to her profile and checked the school group page. Seeing that no one was on they clicked onto the Twilight Club’s page. When the page loaded the first thing they saw was a new topic labelled Twilight Sucks. After a second of over exaggerated gasps of shocks, the girls scrambled to enter the topic. Scrolling through, they saw that the person who created the topic was a Harry Potter fan. That fan had written, ‘Twilight sucks and Twilight fans should be called TwiTards because that is what they are. The book is terribly written and is a waste of time and money. Girls around the world are stupid for falling on love with a character who doesn’t even exist .Who wants to be in love with someone who climbs into your room every night? That’s just plain disturbing. Everywhere you see pathetic fans squealing and associating everything with Twilight. Get a life!’

Seeing this made the girls so angry that someone would go into the group and say such mean things. It was a fan group after all, not a hate one. Seething with anger they added a message that said, ‘At least we read books and don’t fantasise about magic. At least ‘Twilight’ doesn’t label humans with ugly names such as a Muggle. We’re not stupid, Harry Potter fans are obviously mentally retarded because they can’t see that this is a fan group not a hate group and at least the guy we fantasise about keeps his clothes on.’

After a minute new messages appeared one was from a girl called I_love_HP. It read, ‘Oh my gosh, you girls are so deluded. You should go into a mental hospital.’

The other messages were from someone called I_Love_Magic. They read, ‘You girls totally rock and are totally right about Twilight. But I’m not sure about Edward. He doesn’t seem right for Bella.’ All the other messages from this person were similar and seemed to always point out something about Twilight.

“What type of fan doesn’t like Edward? I mean if Edward wasn’t there wouldn’t be a story worth writing,” Angeline wondered.

“Maybe she’s Team Jacob,” answered Nicky.

“Oh well, let’s look at that Twilight Haters group that the weird girl from school was on,” said Leila.

After, tracking down the group the girls clicked into the topic that read Twilight fans are so boring. The girls scrolled through the messages and came across one that read ‘There are these girls from Australia called Angeline, Leila and Nicky. They say they’re not stupid but they totally thought I was a fan. They also keep going on about how we Twilight Haters have no lives. Pathetic or what? They are probably the most stupid people in their classes which is why the only thing they’re good at is fantasising about a stalker. ’
Angeline, Leila and Nicky looked at the screen with their jaws hanging open. They could not believe that someone would pose as a fan and say such mean things about them.

In anger Nicky typed, ‘Wow, you are so immature. It’s not a surprise that someone actually threw acid at a Twilight haters’ face. You’re pathetic. By the way we are not stupid, some of us are student leaders and top of the class. Don’t even think about going back onto our fan group because you’re going to get blocked from this website.’

“So I guess we’ll have to tell the Librarian and our parents about this.” Angeline sighed.

“No, this isn’t that big but I don’t like my friends and my favourite book being insulted,” said Nicky pulling the girls into a group hug.

A few weeks later the girls were back in school with their other friends Katie, Sally, Allie and K.C.

“So what did you do when you went to Nicky’s house?, asked Sally.

“Well we did heaps, we screamed, we danced, we went on to Library Thing. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I almost forgot! We had a massive fight with these Harry Potter fans they were so crazy and we got them banned from the group!, said Leila.

“Really? Did you guys get in trouble?, asked Allie.

“No, we reported it to the Librarian. So we are the victims of this fight. They called us mentally unstable and stupid,” replied Leila.

“They don’t even know who you are. They sound so pathetic. Did you make anymore new friends on Library Thing?, asked Katie.

“No one new has joined the group. Oh yeah, remember the fake Twilight fan? She was so mean, she totally back stabbed us,” Angeline answered.

“That sounds so ridiculous. I’m not being mean, but what you went through is funny but I guess it’s a good thing that you guys have experienced that and you can learn from your mistakes and learn not to use cyber bullying anymore,” nodded KC.

“Oh KC, do the smarty pants ever come off?, asked Angeline.

The bell went and all the girls walked into class laughing.

I'm Nicky (duh). Angeline is Athina. Leila is Leah. And KC is well, you, Casey. :)

Sorry, Athina, it's been totally AWESOME (and a little frightening) talking to you, my lovely but I have pressing matters at hand..I am hungry and when I'm hungry, I eat, like a normal person so CIAO! and GOOD HEALTH! and may every happiness be with you until Monday when I shall see you again! BYYYYYYEEE! Don't miss me too much! XD

By Narlene!!!!

Miss you already (not that much I will probably catch you tomorrow)

^Haha, yeah. And here I am. :) I'll be back on later when you're probably on (and awake, I might add). :D