Sarcastic Answers I Wish I Could Give...

I think there are probably a fair number of people here who spend a large part of the day censoring the things they would like to say to avoid making people cry. I thought a forum to express those comments we keep hidden might be fun, and help with the stress of holding back!

For instance today a coworker said:
"I suppose we can keep copies of boring technical stuff, but keep in mind we'll have to find somewhere to keep them."

What I wanted to say:
"Thank you! For a second there I forgot the rules of mass occupying space! I'm so glad you were there to remind me."

Every time I ask someone something that they should know and they respond to me "I have no idea" I just want to shout at them, "THEN GET AN IDEA!"

Not so much sarcasm, but same general feeling.

Good idea bib *rubs hands together*

One of my clients who rings me on a daily basis to abuse me was upset when I told them that I would be on leave for two weeks. They told me "you had better" provide them with my home number "in case" they needed to contact me.

I politely explained that it was against my organisation's policy to provide home numbers of officers etc... I also politely explained that ringing other members of staff during my absence would not be of value as I was the person dealing with their matter and no one else had the authority to take any action on their case.

What I wanted to say:
"Why of course you can have my home phone number. I know that I refuse to see you unless there is another person present, but considering it is Christmas I'd be more than happy for you to have my home phone number and address.
Perhaps instead of you just ringing me on Christmas day to abuse me you could pop over and do it in person. I'm sure my family would be absolutely thrilled to meet you."

This is one I have actually used a few times and it always stops them dead:

Irate Court User: I pay your salary you know!
Me: Yeah, I pay my salary, too.

#4 -- Ooh, good one. I could actually use that one, too, if the opportunity presented itself.

#4 & 5- Me too!

When I work at the library, I am usually pushing around a cart of books, putting them away. I also wear a badge that says, "Staff" on it.

Library Patron: Do you work here?

Me: No, I'm a crazy person who likes to steal book carts and put books away. The librarians let me stay because I'm quiet.

Yesterday Espy came home and parked his car behind mine in the driveway. He came in and asked our house guests, "Is Foggi home already?"
"No," I replied from the other room. "My car just came home by itself."

At work:

"Can I have an extra bag?" "I really wish I could give you one, but we have a three day holiday weekend before I might get more other than what's under the counter right now." "This is a gift." "I'm sorry. Would you like to buy some of our gift wrap? I could wrap it for you." "No. I'll take an extra bag. I need seven." "I'm sorry. I don't have any." "Why not?"

Because you're cheap!

ETA: I should add that I get people asking me for up to twenty extra bags at a time.

The librarians let me stay because I'm quiet.

*snort*

Sometimes to parents, I would love to say "Don't piss me off, I have your kid, ya know

10: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Coworker: Mandy, I saw this in your mailbox, are you going to pay it?
Me: Yea, I'm waiting to get confirmation on the amounts/property from Beckie.

What I wanted to say:
WHAT?!?! You mean I have to pay bills?? Since when? I thought I just got them put them in my "to do" box and then filed them a couple weeks later. I can't believe theres more to it than that!!

Idiot.

I am quite often slow on the draw and usually think of retorts minutes if not hours later. Two of them I was able to use at another time because (you gotta love 'em) I heard the trigger another time.
One I came up with for those people who knock on your door at the most inconvenient time - "I would love to hear all about your roofing company/yard service/rug cleaner/religion but I am very busy. Please give me your home address and I will come to your house when it's convenient for me."

My coworker recently had a second grandchild. Hardly a day went by that one comment or another was made usually including the line, "We're having a baby, you know." I finally couldn't keep my mouth shut and said, "No, I had forgotten that. Thanks for reminding me."

mamzel, I can soooo relate to your door to door salesperson problem. My usual response to anything repair or utility related is "you'll have to come back when my husband is home. I don't make these decisions without him." Yesterday we had another visit from a well known telephone service asking if we were satisfied with our phone service. I gave my typical, "We use Cablevision and you would need to speak with my husband since he handles any major change in utility service."

What I wanted to say is, "Yes, we are very satisfied with our service. We use Cablevision. When we used your company we had no service. Unless we were supposed to be sharing our phone with half the neighborhood for weeks at a time.

OMG! This thread is too funny!

#13 I am the same way, I usually think of something witty to say to late!

Too bad I can't think of anything to add at the moment!

I work at a pizza place. . .

Me: What would like?
Customer: I don't know, surprise me.

Me: *angry inside self--well, I can sweep the floor and put that on your pizza.

#16 -- Wow, that sounds like an invitation for a jalapeno, anchovy, and pineapple pizza to me.

Hey, foggi, I like anchovy pizza. It's the pineapple I can do without. I have to laugh when the person takes my order and makes sure I really meant to order anchovy. They usually have to wipe the dust off the can on the back of the shelf for me. If I want something with jalapenos on it, I go for nachos.

#18 -- Ah, well, I like pineapple. And the one time I had anchovies I was all right with it, though it's not something I actively seek out. I was just thinking of an unappealing flavor combination, and that's what I came up with.

^My friend loves pineapple and skittles on her pizza. I tried it, and I don't get it. It wasn't horrible, but way too much effort into making it for a so/so pizza. But we all try really weird stuff, since there's a competition from HQ. One year we put Thanksgiving leftovers on a pizza--gravy for sauce, turkey, potato slices, and seasoning.

I was irritated by this customer who wanted me to tell him whether he should buy the box of milk chocolates or the nuts and chews. I told him the nuts and chews was more popular, and that some people, like me, like dark chocolate better. He didn't believe me. Because clearly I am totally lying about it. We just package the boxes of dark chocolate as a gag gift. No one actually eats the stuff, right?

There is a pizza place in Madison, that was started by a bunch of college students that serves unusual pizza, like mac n cheese pizza, and spaghetti pizza, I've never been there but it was featured on Andrew Zimmern's show about Bizarre food, I think.

I'm watching The Two Towers, and it's crying out for sarcastic retorts.

Scene1: The people of Rohan are fleeing to Helm's Deep. Some of the Rohirrim are attacked by Warg scouts. After seeing the attack, Aragorn rides pell-mell back to the column to sound the alarm.

Frightened people of Rohan: "What is it?"
Andrew: "It's an ice-cream truck. Who wants a delicious ice-cream?".

Scene 2: Merry and Pippin are taken by Treebeard to the place for the Entmoot.
Merry (or maybe pippin): "What's an entmoot?"
Treebeard: "It's a gathering."
Pippin (or maybe merry, i dunno): "A gathering of what?"
Andrew: "Rabbits, of course."

Customer: Are these seats good? (usually the chepest ones at the very back of the highest level in whichever show they want to go to)

What I want to say: Why yes, those are the very, very best seats that money can buy. That's why they are so cheap, compared to the ones down at the front which are 5 times more expensive.

Student: Do you have any good books to read?
Me: Well, what kind of books do you like?
What I want to say: No, of course not. I go out of my way to buy the crappiest, stupidest, lamest books on the market, just for you.

Student (standing in the midst of the library stacks): I can't find anything to read.
Me: Well, what kind of books do you like?
What I want to say: There are 5,000 books here. Really? And you can't find a single book to read? What are you, blind?

Tell me how I'm supposed to answer the following question without sounding sarcastic/patronising...

"What does 'select seat amount' mean"?

(I know, perhaps 'select seat quantity' would be better wording, but really, it doesn't take a genius does it???)

#16 - The pizza place next to where I worked in Little Rock had "Sweep the Floor" on the menu. It had a little bit of everything on it.

#26 - I bet at least half the people who ask you that are just making sure that they aren't as stupid as they think they are.

Well I have no idea what that means. Choose the number of seats that you want? Don't people usually occupy a single seat? Or could it be equivalent to "How many tickets do you want"? Is this British slang?

It does mean "select the number of seats/tickets you want", jjwilson, you're right. I should perhaps have put it in the context of booking theatre tickets on a website.

Student: Do you have any books about xyz?
Me: These are great books. *Pulls several books about xyz off the shelf*
Student: *gives cursory glance at the xyz books. Selects a book about abc.
What I want to say: WHY do you ask my help if you're not even going to LOOK at it, you little putz?
What I actually say (as I check out the abc book): Have a nice day.

Honestly, what sort of a library only carries books about three letters of the alphabet? Don't you have books that cover abc AND xyz?

What do you do with your dictionaries - tear them into pamphlets?

I only read books that carry letters d through w. The abc and xyz books are highly overrated. :oP

#33 -- So, you would like things like D.W. Flips? D. W. the Picky Eater?

Give me Berenstein Bears, or give me death!

Actually lets just take death out of the equation altogether. Voldy, Voldy: he's our man! If he can't do it no one can!

This random aside brought to you by my brain, "A scary place to live."

D.W. Flips is an awesome book. :o)

No kidding, it JUST happened today...

Third Grade Student *looking bemused*
Me: What can I help you with?
Student: I can't find a book.
Me: What book are you looking for?
Student: I don't know...I just need to find a book
Me: What kind of books do you like?
Student: *blank stare* I don't know...
Me: *takes a deep breath* Do you like fiction or non fiction?
Student: *doubtfully* Fiction?
Me: *takes another deep breath* What's your AR color? (For the record, usually I don't ask them this question, but this kid hasn't a clue...)
Student: *with confidence* Yellow.
Me: Take a look at the shelves, and find a book with a yellow sticker.

A half hour later

2nd Grade Student A: *walks to the desk with purpose and confidence--she's a G/T kid with definite ideas* Where are the whale and dolphin books?
Me: *gets up from desk and shows her the whale and dolphin books* We have a lot to choose from here. *Returns to desk.*
Student walks up to the desk with a Magic Tree House book and one on komodo dragons.

Five minutes later

2nd Grade Student B: Where are the dolphin books?
Me: *gets up from desk and shows him the dolphin books* We have a lot to choose from here (remember, 2nd Grade Student A didn't take any) *goes back to desk*
2nd Grade Student B: Where are the dinosaur books?
Me: *gets up from desk and shows him the dinosaur books. Notices the book in Student B's hand is The Five Senses Goes back to desk.
2nd Grade Student B: *puts 2 books on the desk. They are Rocks & Minerals and Questions and Answers About the Natural World
Me: Do you already have an AR book?
2nd Grade Student B: No.
Me: One of your book has to be an AR book, remember.
2nd Grade Student B: *puts Rocks and Minerals on the return cart. Goes to find another book. Returns to the desk with The Five Senses and Russell the Sheep*
Me: Have a nice day.

I am not making this up...really...

So... what the heck is an "AR book"? (And yes, I'm feeling a bit thick for having to ask.)

I would guess Advanced Readers, a program for Elementary (and Middle?) school kids.

>38 AnnaClaire: I know she's mentioned it before, but I don't know either.

>37 theretiredlibrarian: and what's a G/T kid? ;}

AR--Accelerated Reader, a computerized program in which books are leveled, and students take quizzes on the books, earning points, and ostensibly, to improve their reading abilities. Not my favorite thing in the whole world, if you've read my gripes about it before.

G/T--Gifted and Talented...kids who are advanced in some way or another, usually math or language arts.

Sorry, forgot I'm not in the school setting here and so I was using terminology that most teacher/librarians would get, but nobody else would.

I completely understand getting distracted from your original purpose of finding a book. Happens to be every time I go into a book store.

There are these guys at the mall near me that work a kiosk selling some type of lotion or massage oil but it's really overpriced so after the first time I never stop to browse. The only problem is that they're really pushy with their sales tactics and always try to snag people walking by. Their opening line is almost always, "Can I ask you a question?"

One of these days, I promise I will respond with, "You just did!"

>41 theretiredlibrarian:
I hated the AR system when I was in middle school. I was at an upper high school level and they wouldn't let me read anything under that until I reached my point goal. But, middle school libraries don't have much at that level other than Tolkien, Shakespeare, and about the Holocaust. All I wanted to read was Harry Potter. Safe to say, I didn't like reading that year.

>44 katelisim:
Possible sarcastic question you could have asked: "What do you have at _____ reading level that I haven't read?" Re-reading books just because the school library doesn't have anything else at your reading level kinda defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

^ That was almost 11 years ago, when I hadn't read most of them. . . but who actually understands Shakespeare at 11? No one, at least not me. Tolkien was too slow and Holocaust was too depressing.

There was no sarcasm in my reply, I told them no and didn't read. Sad, I know. I should have read what I wanted, but when I rebelled I took it all the way. One of my lesser rebellions, tho. AND, my mom freaked out at them for killing my like of reading that year :D

I should have said: I'm sorry, I thought the point of this program was to increase my enjoyment of reading and reading level? That backfired, didn't it?

#41 Oh I despised AR! As a student who loved reading, it was not fun. I hated the stupid test they made you take to get your reading level. And I also didn't like when books weren't AR so you weren't supposed to read them.
I disliked GATE too.

I say my sarcastic answers a lot of the time, but next time I don't I'll try to remember.

#43 el:
I hate that, too. I used to tell them I have my own body care store, and that would just lead to more questions with them trying to convince me their stuff was better.

I've always wanted to walk up to one of those people at a stand checking spines in the mall.

"Why, it seems you have scoliosis!"
*with complete shock* Really?

My mother and sister who have it, too, have never wanted all the same things as me or to walk up to them as a group, though. ;)

Real conversation today....

I went into my bosses office to talk to her about my upcoming interviews...

Me: Do you have a minute...
Boss: Yeah, Sure.
Me: I wanted to let you know that the assistant director gave me thursday off because I had an interview. But... (she cut me off)
Boss: Oh You don't have one any more...
Me: Actually I Have three so I figured one of them would pan out and I would let you know I might not be with the company for much longer.
Boss: Oh so you're quitting sometime soon.
Me: *Facepalm* That would be correct.

What I wanted to say was: Yes, I am leaving as soon as possible. Did you think I would say here and make 8 an hour to be yelled at for 40 hours a week?

Good luck with the interviews, Bella.

43 - Those same folks work at our mall too. My husband actually has responded that way. They sell all kinds of stuff here, from hair straighteners to car alarms. So obnoxious.

I just walk around those salespeople, I ignor them like there not There

Thanks Cmbohn

Back when I worked in a gas station, customers would come in and ask why *I* made the gas prices so high. In my head I would reply, "Why so I could by another Bentley, of course! That hunk o' junk parked out there is just my decoy car! Working here and talking to nice folk like you is a hobby of mine!"

I was at a rehearsal the other night to have cast members try on costumes. One is for the fairies and they have ribbon skirts. The ribbon was hanging down touching the floor, and one person asked if we were going to keep them that length, and sadly, because I was stressed and tired and said yes, because I like to see them trip. I also wanted to say "People this is trying costumes on so we can adjust them, give us a break, if it is still wrong opening night, then you can complain."

At the same rehearsal I ended up sitting next a mother of one of the children in the show. When my parents left, they waved and I waved back and the woman saw:

Woman: Are those your parents?
Me: Yeah.
Woman: They're going home without you.
Me: Yeah.
Woman: So can you drive then?
Me: ....*stares in disbelief* I'm 30.

I realize not sarcastic, but this still felt like the best place to share. I suppose I should feel flattered that I looked half my age...

#55: Yeah. Suuuuurre you're 30. I'm going to need some identification.

LOL bib.

when I go places with my mom and Adara, people think Adara is my mom's baby.

Well at least you'll look 60 when you're 80. That's a good thing, right?

Youthful looks run in our family.

I've always looked younger then I am. It came in handy in High School getting in for half price at the Drive in movies.

It occurred to me today that it could also be flattering to my parents, since she saw them and apparently didn't think they were old enough to have a 30-year-old child either...

And why did it take until today to figure that out?

54: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I love you, mom! I can't stop smiling right now, because I can just see you saying that, and to me it's HYSTERICAL!

So, tonight at rehearsal the pie shop ladies were trying on their costumes, they had seen their aprons earlier. the fabric is fruit. One is blue with blueberries on it, another has kiwi, grapfruit, and one has oranges. The woman with the orange apron doesn't like it and has let me know everytime. Tonight she told me she told her friends not to bother to come because all they had to do was picture her as a big orange and they wouldn't miss a thing. Lovely, I bit my tongue, but wanted to say perhaps they might enjoy the rest of the show, it doesn't revolve around your part. But I didn't. The other pie shop ladies love them, and asked if they could get matching tights. I said sure, go for it and they said that the orange lady didn't want to get them so they would get hers. One said "she just doesn't get it" meaning the fun of the crazy costumes. That made me feel much better.

hmmm...that makes me think that I'm going to have to get near her after a show and say "I love all the pie shop lady costumes but that orange one was hands down the best, if I was in the show I'd want to be her!"

Ah see, when I was overhearing that conversation I was very tempted to say that perhaps she should consider not being in the show next year if she's not going to have fun!

I do wonder if it was her poor attempt at humor, but it hurt, especially since she harps on this everytime she sees me.

Maybe beauty pageants would be more suitable for her if she wants to be the height of glamour the whole time. I don't think she quite understands the concept of being in a show...

eta: I'm sure your costumes are fantstic Kasongo. It's her problem.

65, 66 - You could say "Orange you glad you got the best costume??" ;)

Cuuuute.

#69: LOL!

#68: They are indeed! This year's show is set in the 1980's more or less, so the costumes are all really bright and gaudy and perfect for a pantomime!

Really wish I could come and see it!

Ditto to you and your show!

Just received a meeting invite from a coworker for yesterday at 4 PM (when we close). He corrected it too quickly for me to send my reply: "You want to meet after work yesterday? I'm sorry I haven't perfected my time machine yet, I'm going to have to decline."

Yesterday:
Third grade, we have spent 3 weeks doing research on animals...in classroom, in the library, in the computer lab. Yesterday, I told the students that if they have completed their research on their animal, they could begin writing their research paper. A student asked, "What do we write about?" What I wanted to say: "Oh, just write about rainbows and fairies." What I really said, "Write what you've learne about your animal." I wanted to beat my head against the wall.

that kid was not paying attention all month until you said "begin writing your research paper" then they woke up.

Man! You guys had me ROLLING!!! This is like the funniest thread EVER!

#26--> HAAAAAAAAAA! What's wrong with those people, N? Obviously the website means how many people you'll want on your lap. Duh!

Sometimes I feel really bad because I have a really bad temper and go overboard, I'm not the kind of person that exercises a lot of self restraint, so when I have a sarcastic gem to bestow, I don't hold back. this is a little different than what you guys have been posting. I just feel like I'm being attacked. There's something about me, people just look at me and say: "Hey here's a person I can mess with and get away with it"

Disclaimer: There are two subjects guarantied to make me go ballisticus: my dogs and my mother. Don't mess with my dogs and don't f with my mother because I WILL lose it.

I'm walking my dogs (most of my altercations start this way) past a building. The boys stop to sniff at the tree planted in front (yay Million Trees NYC!!!). There is a man loitering outside with his equally crusty and suspect friend.
Man: Hey. Cute coats. Where did you get them?
Me: (grumbling) Old Navy. Thanks.
Man: They're cute. Can you just make sure they don't do he he he, you know #2 here?
Me: Excuse me? YOU DON'T GET TELL ME WHAT TO DO. THIS ISN'T MONOPOLY, JUST BECAUSE YOU LIVE THERE DOESN'T MEAN YOU OWN THE BLOCK. AND NOT THAT I OWE YOU ANY EXPLANATIONS, *I pull out my doggie bag key chain wazzit* BUT I AM A COSCIENTIOUS ADULT, IF MY DOG WERE TO DO "HE HE HE, #2", AS YOU SO ELOQUENTLY PUT IT, THEN I HAVE BAGS HERE FOR THAT PURPOSE. I PICK UP AFTER MY DOGS!!!
Man: There's no need for you to get mad, I was just making a suggest-"
Me: YOUR SUGGESTIONS ARE NEITHER NECESSARY NOR APPRECIATED! *I stalk off*

Another day

A super is piling disgusting trash outside his building, which btw is adjacent to a moldering, burned down ruin with all kinds of detritus and trash around it. I walk past with the boys, and Cocoa stops to sniff. The more disgusting the more he feels attracted to it.
Super: Excuse me can you do me a favor?
Me: (What favor can a stranger ask of me at the crack of dawn? I am NOT a morning person) What do you want?
Super: Can you please not walk your dogs here?
(if you want to light a fire under me those are the exact words you want to say to me)
Me: What? You don't get to tell me what to do, guy. I can walk my dogs where ever the f I want. Every dog in the neighborhood stops here.
Super: I have kids. My door is right there.
Me: I don't give a shhhh. It's not my fault you live in a crap hole. Homie look around... This is trash, These are not lawn ornaments. Its not like my dogs are marring your pristine side walk... Man, I'll be here every day at the same time. See you tomorrow!

I'm with the dogs and we are waiting for the elevator and as it comes, I hear someone enter the building behind me. So I hold the elevator door for them. Seconds pass, and nothing, still I'm still waiting. I turn and there's this lady just standing there in the middle of he lobby
Me: Ah... Do you need the elevator?
Lady: mumble, mumble grins nervously and makes some sort inscrutable waving motion.
exasperated, I roll my eyes and growl under my breath: Thanks for letting me stand here like an idiot.
I usher the boys into the elevator and just as the door starts to close the outside door opens and there is that lady again!
Lady: Ohhh do they bite?
Me: Of course they do, and so do you. (she looked in danger of jumping out again, so to speed things up is added:) But no, they don't go around biting people.
Lady: ha ha ha (like I was trying to be funny or something) They're so cute.
Me: Thanks
She reaches down to Blake (who btw is a TOTAL, undisciplined maniac) and he takes that as an invitation to jump on her and start yapping away. The woman jumps back
Lady: Oh he's fresh! Mean!
Me: No. That's just his way of saying hi and would you like to play? Because you reached down and spoke to him, remember?
Lady: But he's barking at me...
Me: Well... he doesn't speak English so...
Lady: ha ha ha that's true.
(You think?)

Another day:
I get in the elevator with my crack head neighbor. Sorry if I offend anyone with this but this is not an appellative, she really is a coke dependant
(Did I mention I live in the ghetto?). She's obviously just had a hit because she is peppy and hyper and blabbing away at a mile a minute.
CHN: (talking about Blake, who is equally hyper) Oh, he's so cute, dios lo bendiga (god bless him)! He looks just like a dog I used to have. blah blah that was his name, that is what we used to call him. blah blah blah
Me: Oh, ok. That's nice.
CHN: He's so hyper, he's so cute. He's friendly, not like that other one. He's not friendly (She means my eldest, Cocoa) What's wrong with him?
Me: Well, he's blind...
CHN: What do you mean?
Me: he can't see.
CHN: Ay bendito that's so sad....
After that her speech patterns kind of deteriorated and blessedly her floor came up and the dogs and I were left in peace. I know it sounds mean, but how many times can you have the same conversation with the same person without kind of wanting to punch them in the face?

*** Sorry the post was so long! I had A LOT to get out of my chest. Big up to Bib for starting this thread. You guys are hilarious!!***

#77 -- Well... he doesn't speak English so...

LOL! You had me laughing so hard at that!

The revival of this thread reminded me of an occasion yesterday where, if I had been able to think of sarcastic answers on the spot, I would have used them.

You see, I've discovered that nothing distresses a small-town shipping clerk more than the sight of the Cyrillic alphabet. When I ship a package to Russia (and over the past few years I've had occasion to ship several) I put the address on the package, first in English, then in Russian. This is always very disturbing to the small-town shipping clerk, no matter how large and eye-catching the English text is, nor how small and unobtrusive the Russian text is. Yesterday I had to ship a package by FedEx, which I rarely do because the shipping office is out of the way, and because it's freaking expensive to ship things to Russia. But this time I wanted it there in a matter of weeks, rather than months (the postal service runs anywhere from 3 weeks to 4 months, and there's no apparent way to regulate it; once it's in the hands of the Russian postal service, who knows what happens to it) so I go out to FedEx. (There is a little shipping agent here in town, but they are both rude and incompetent, so I don't go there any more).

Clerk: What do you need?
Me: I need to ship this package to Russia.
Clerk: (Looks at address on package, then says in a very snippy tone) Well. I hope you can translate this.
What I should have said: Lady, I'm about to spend a lot of money to ship this box. If I'm going to pay you guys the big bucks to deliver a package, it would make me feel a whole lot more confident about its chances of arrival if I thought the clerks who work for this fine establishment could recognize an address written in English when they see one.
What I actually said: Look, it's in English right above that, see?
Clerk: Oh. Well, your box is too small.

. . . and on and on it went. Apparently FedEx won't allow me to ship non-perishable food to Russia (the postal service has never had a problem with this, but whatever) so I had to unpack and repack the box -- sorry, Dad, no Cadbury eggs for you. She couldn't find St. Petersburg in the computer system -- it took her at least ten minutes of typing and re-typing and looking it up and trying different spellings. And -- get this -- the reason she couldn't find it was because it's in their computer as Sankt-Peterburg -- the Russian spelling (albeit using the Roman alphabet).

It was not a fun way to spend a morning.

#77: Oh suge, you're too much! I don't know that I would be clever enough to come up with something like "he doesn't speak English"! I love you!

#79: Ah...if only you had been able to come up with that then.

Yesterday our (brand new) server crashed. When I called the IT people they suggested that I hook up a monitor, keyboard and mouse and see if I could restart it which might fix the problem. So I drag everything out, hook it all up and I can't see anything. The monitor is on, but I'm not getting a login screen. So I call IT back and tell them this, I also say I know the monitor is on and working because I was able to adjust the brightness, etc. First question out of the guys mouth "Is the light on the monitor yellow or green." I still can't come up with a great sarcastic response, but I feel that question warrants one. Any suggestions?

Here is a true sarcastic answer I gave once. I just got so sick of it, I snapped.

So my name is Debbie. I've worked a lot of retail. They always require you to wear a name tag. You would NOT BELIEVE the amount of people who think it is HI-LAR-IOUS to ask about my work in the porn industry (Damn that movie!) when they see my name tag.

Couple of years ago another funny man decided to have a go. He came up to me and asked me while chuckling if I was the one who "did Dallas."

I looked at him and said, "I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about, sir. Could you please explain yourself?" He mumbled "nuthin' nuthin' " and wandered off. GAWD that felt good.

#77: Why curse the darkness when you can light a fire and let suge do it for you?

yesterday I was talking to an HR person at the place I'm about to start working. I asked her about a place to pump on breaks so I can leave milk for Adara while I'm working. She said "I can't think of enywhere except a bathroom stall"
What I wanted to say was "would you feed your kid food prepared in a public bathroom?"

ETA: the employee relations person was more helpful and is finding a place that meets the state's requirements of "Not a bathroon"

80---> Bib it is they who are too much! They started it! The "he doesn't speak English" thing came from a missed oportunity. Does it make me sound like Mr. Collins if I say that I planned what I would say the next time someone made a smart remark about Blake's erratic behavior. He really is a crazy dog, but He's my crazy dog!

81--->Venus you should have signed an autograph for him while slipping some merchandise in his bags or pocket. Let him explain to security why he is a) a perv and b) a theif.

82---> Ha. You know what you have to say. Chango presto flame-o

83---> Rissa you should have asked her to lunch. Tell you got her a stall in the VIP section.

>#77:
Lady: Ohhh do they bite?
Me: Of course they do, and so do you.

and so do I. Just so you know.

>#79: gah.

>#80: "It's moron-coloured."
"Why are you asking, Dave?"
"It's got green letters saying 'kill them. kill them all. burn it down'".
"It's grellow. No wait, it's yeen. How is this important, again?"

should have gone with option number 3, sis. "it's got green letters saying 'kill them. kill them all. burn it down', sooo that means it's on, right? green is good"

I was walking my dog (a Yellow Lab) in a park that allows dogs, and in some parts allows them off-leash. I was in the area that required leashes when a dog started charging towards my dog. I stood in front of my dog, pointed at the other dog and yelled, "No!" The owner called over sweetly, "She's OK. She won't bite." I yelled back, "How do you know my dog won't?"

87: I can't stand when people do that. "My dog is fine don't worry!" Ok great your dog is ok, but what about mine. Sure you're lucky my dog doesn't bite but you know what, she also doesn't enjoy other dogs charging her.

Any dog can bite if it feels threatened.

"She's OK. She won't bite."

"I do!"

90: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh man that would be great!

My boss asked me the other day, referring to how much milk we had for the week and she asked "How's the milk look?"

I said "White!"

She muttered "I knew she'd say that! I just knew it"

If she knew you would say that, she shouldn't have asked.
Students always forget how to phrase a request. They come in and say, "I need a book about {place subject here}." I respond, "I need a new car." They give me a stunned look.
If they say, "I'd like a book about {place subject here}" I say, "I'd like to win the lottery."
And the number of students who forget the simple addition of the word "please" far exceeds the number who remember it. Sometimes I'll say, "You're welcome." even when they don't say, "Thank you."

That's something that drives me up the wall. Students demanding things. The one that I hear all the time. "Miss W, I have to go to the bathroom." My response most of the time: "Okay...." or "And what would you like me to do about it?" From day 1 I try to train my kiddos to ask to go to the restroom. I'm not a stickler about "can" or "may" as long as they just ask.

Overheard yesterday in a restaurant:

Customer: Do you have any salt and pepper?
Waiter: No, as a matter of fact, we are the only restaurant in town that does not serve salt and pepper.

Fortunately, the ladies thought it was cute and everyone laughed. Including me. And the waiter. Made me (almost) nostalgic for a smart assed teenager in my home again.

Sarcastic answer I DID just give.

Co-worker: "It is such a beautiful day outside! did you take Pepper out?"
Me: No, I just thought I'd let her rot inside and poop and pee all over my floors today. In fact I think I'm not gonna bother taking her out tonight either, and I think I'll stop feeding her, that way I won't have to worry about..."

It was at that point she smacked my arm with rolled up papers and said "you know what I mean"
I just laughed and said "yes Pepper and I took a nice long walk this morning and played fetch (pepper style) in the back yard and I left a bunch of windows open for her today."

LOL Mands!

Same person just walked by my office and said

"going home hun?"

"No I thought I'd stay here for the weekend, sure Don is coming home tomorrow but I've gone 6 weeks without seeing him I'm sure I can go a few more days."

That person doesn't have enough work to keep her busy.

I was with my cousin last weekend and she said that one day when someone says "Merry Christmas" she wants to say "I'm Jewish".

She doesn't like obvious questions and we were coming up with a bunch of sarcastic responses but I can't remember any of them now.

"Thank you," would be nice since they are sending good wishes and probably not trying to be derogatory. Would it be totally inappropriate to come back with, "And a Happy Hanukkah to you?"

I would not be offended if someone wished me Happy Hanukkah. I would just take it that they wanted to be friendly and I would appreciate it.

As would I, I have been wished Happy Hannukah, and blessed Kwanzaa, and I always respond in kind, with" Thank you! And to you as well!"

Yes, but she would be saying it a joking matter. She just wanted to see their face when she said that but then she would include them in on the "joke". She had better ones that weren't disrespectful but I don't remember any of those, so it doesn't help me.

I'm feeling prickly this afternoon (probably has to do with my aversion to being at work in the first place) and keep having to bite my tongue on sarcastic answers or comments.

Well. The other day I had a phone call from a customer staynig at Claridges Hotel, who wanted to book theatre tickets. So I quoted her our ticket price, told her our booking fee, etc. You know what she said? "I think we'll try our luck booking directly at the theatre tomorrow, that booking fee seems a bit steep."

A bit steep?????????? You're staying at a hotel that charges at least £650 per night , not including breakfast, and our booking fee is a bit steep????

Yeah, ok....

(And I acknowledge that our booking fee is a bit steep, but not to someone who is paying that much a night's sleep!)

thats why they have no money for your booking fee! I hope they miss the show! ;p