Modern Romance: An Investigation

Full disclosure: I read this book back in September, right before an unexpected and emergency hospitalization. I also read it in a 24-hour period, which not only means that I found it immensely readable, I'm also struggling now (two months later) to remember the final details. (That's as much the fault of the hospitalization, and everything that happened during it, as it is the quick read-time.) I picked up this book as a result of reading the article-length excerpt published in TIME, which was basically an abridgment of Ansari's introduction. I like Ansari's stand-up reasonably well, and I've enjoyed hearing him spout off before about the culture we've created where it's "okay" to tap-dance around making plans in hopes that something show more better comes along. This includes never responding to texts, canceling at the last minute, and my personal favorite, the dreaded "maybe," a word I've come to find both lazy and deeply, deeply cowardly.

...And my experience is largely just with friends. Apply all of this to dating and the problem magnifies by about a hundred.

What I really enjoyed about Ansari's book is he takes the topic very, very seriously. He actually goes out and polls people, looks up the statistics, and examines the dating habits of the modern man and woman. (By his own admission, there is very little page-space given over to LGBT relationships, which is unfortunate but reasonable. Not only would it make for a far longer book, the historical data Ansari often employs for comparison simply doesn't exist; outside of certain urban environments in the USA, LGBT relationships have until very recently often been conducted in secret, and LGBT dating "trends" have only socially streamlined with the advent of the internet.) He examines texting, dating websites and even arranged marriages to find out what "works" and why. My favorite part of the book even had him comparing the dating cultures found in Buenos Aires, Paris and Tokyo, with some eye-opening results.

Occasionally, the book gets a little too glib; sometimes, Ansari falls into his Parks and Recreation Tommy Haverford persona of "Look at me, I'm being funny!", and it can be distracting, especially at the very beginning of the book. Overall, though, I was impressed with what I read. Ansari has taken the time to dissect something which has been, is or will be relevant to very nearly everyone. Is "romance" dead? Well, no. But what it means to be single, married, or dating is changing, and if we're lucky, we'll learn how to relate and build relationships across an ever-increasing social divide. That, or we'll just say "maybe," and go back to playing Call of Duty. show less

I hadn't read anything about this book before I picked it up, so foolishly thought it would be a comedy book, maybe some funny essays or an autobiography about Aziz's love life. Instead, as the introduction laid out for me, Aziz actually teamed up with a sociologist to do legit social science experiments in order to explore modern romance. This immediately made me like Aziz even more, because people were like, you should write a funny book! And he was like, yeah, let's set up some focus groups and gather data!

Not to say this book isn't funny, because it is; it's a sociological look at dating in the modern age filtered through Aziz's voice. So it's funny, and it's enlightening. Everyone knows that dating is different now; the internet show more exists, women have more choices when it comes to careers and reproduction, economic and social changes mean that young adults are in school longer, living at home longer, etc. This book lays out some of those differences and what they mean for people of dating age nowadays (basically focusing on people 22-30ish, in New York, and in straight relationships). He also looks a bit at what dating looks like internationally, in Paris, Tokyo, and Buenos Aires. It's pretty fascinating. There's a lot of stuff left out, but a scope of "dating culture" in general is much too broad.

I did find interesting the fact that most people, if the person they're dating isn't really into them, would prefer that person be honest and just say sorry, not interested. But those same people, when they're not interested in someone, mostly use the "I'm really busy right now" or just ignoring them methods. So we all want people to be honest, but we are never honest. It's hinted at later that we may not actually want people to be honest. It's really telling that we tend to do the opposite of what we say we'd want in the same situation.

Also, the book itself was pretty slick. I like the cover, the pages were nice and thick, and I liked the simple blue and black text colour scheme. show less

Aziz Ansari teams up with sociologist Eric Klinenberg to explore love and marriage - what makes our "modern romance" in the age of texting and online dating different from generations before?

I mostly enjoyed reading this book. The humor sometimes fell a little flat, and I would've preferred a less comedic version of the same statistics. And I ultimately came away with a different take than Ansari did about his own findings: he concludes (and I'm not really giving anything away, I could see this throughout earlier chapters) that while maybe relationships have become more difficult now because we are looking for soulmates, we ultimately have a better chance of having the excitement of passionate love, and it's worth it. My take? I saw a show more parallel (that he doesn't draw in the text) between what he terms the "good enough" long-lasting marriages of yesteryear with the companionate (long-term, like family) love that grows even as passionate (excitement and like a drug of a new relationship) love wanes in a long-term relationship. While I have experienced the benefits of emerging adulthood (that time between moving out of your parents' house and settling down), and cultural acceptance of not marrying, and wouldn't say technology is all bad, either, I think that one of the downsides of having more potential dating options than "the girl next door" has made us less likely to be content in general. So, I ended up reading against his narrative a lot of the time even while I was taking in the information. Interesting, but not life-changing stuff. show less

from Laura:

Comedian Aziz Ansari and sociologist Eric Klinenberg explore the history of dating and courtship rituals in Modern Romance. Topics covered include online dating, marriage, texting, sexting, cheating, snooping, soul mates, monogamous vs. monogamish, and more. The pair conducted research all over the world and it was fun to hear about the different ways that other cultures define and pursue relationships.

Ansari's delivery is much like his stand-up: timely and topical, rapid-fire and a little abrasive, but not *too* crass, and of course, very funny. As a listener (rather than a reader), I was treated to some audiobook asides that made me laugh pretty hard. He performed some quotes from his focus groups with funny accents, show more something like: "I don't remember what she actually sounded like. I just imagined that she had a southern accent because she said 'tizzy.'" Also, "I've always wanted to use the word 'whopping' to describe a statistic, and I think we can all agree, that statistic? Is whopping."

"Firm takeaway from all our interviews with women is that most dudes out there are straight-up bozos." I enjoyed the subsequent liberal use of the word "bozo" throughout the book. Also, "bing-bong."

From the introduction:"This is the audiobook of my book, Modern Romance, and I'm gonna read it to you. God, you're so lazy! You don't have time to read it yourself, you want me to read it to you? Alright. Um, this should be fun! [pause] I wonder what you're doing right now. Are you like, curled up in bed with some tea by a fire...have you thrown this MP3 on? Ooooh...that sounds nice. Alright. Are you getting irritated that I haven't started the book yet? What if I spent another five minutes talking about how lazy you are for not actually reading the physical book? No, I'm not. Here we go."

I think this book is better enjoyed via audio than print, if you don't mind being occasionally berated by Aziz for listening to it rather than reading it. show less

This book surprised me. I expected it to be another memoir/biography/essay collection by a famous comedian/actor. I've read a lot of these and would have been satisfied. However, this book is actually a thoughtful and somewhat rigorous look at the experience of dating in the modern world.

How has technology changed the dating landscape? Does online dating services make it more difficult to find love? Are people happier now or less happy? And what does the rest of the world think about these issues? Using interviews and panels around the globe, Aziz tackles a complex issue with humor and thoughtfulness. I totally respect Aziz for choosing a topic for his book other than himself - although I would totally read that book too.

Surprisingly well-researched, insightful, and funny, Modern Romance - a team effort between Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg - is a great read/listen for anyone who is interested in how romance and relationships have(n't) changed along with modern technology (i.e. the Internet and smartphones). There is solid social science here, from other books and studies in the field (e.g. Helen Fisher, Stephanie Coontz) as well as original research conducted with reddit and at Aziz's live shows. The authors even conduct interviews at nursing homes to get stories of how elderly people met their spouses.
Though most of the authors' research was conducted in big cities or online, they also examine the dating scenes in Tokyo, Paris, and Buenos Aires.

One show more of the main takeaways is that more choice is not always better, and that the Internet - and/or simply living in a big, walkable city where other "options" are constantly on display - presents more choices (or at least the illusion of more choices). If your goal is to find a mate and settle down, your best bet is to give fewer people more chances - go on more third dates than first dates. Many people are successfully meeting online through dating sites or apps, but the old-fashioned way - meeting through friends, or friends of friends - is still good too.

Quotes - TK

I listened to the audiobook (highly recommended!) but Amazon's "Look Inside" feature is disabled for this book so I can't quote accurately from my scribbled notes.

"There were rooms in my heart [I didn't realize were there until I had children]"

From the Conclusion: We have different tools for communication and connection now but face-to-face contact is still the best. show less

I have to admit, when I pick up a book written by a "celebrity" I immediately and skeptically assume there's a ghostwriter. But although Aziz Ansari's co-author and research partner Eric Klinenberg is an NYU sociologist, I'm convinced Ansari actually did much of this very entertaining writing. The two spent two years conducting focus groups, researching and interviewing about individuals' and couples' use of modern and cutting-edge technology with respect to finding, maintaining and ending romantic relationships, and the results are at once unsurprising, intriguing and somewhat worrying. There are a number of laugh-out-loud passages -- recommended!