Deeper Thoughts: All New, All Crispy

by Jack Handey

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey (2)

246 Members 1 Review (3.81)

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Description

A volume of surreal wisdom on life's pitfalls and unexpected events, such as: better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up and let's be honest - isn't a lot of what we call tap-dancing really just nerves?.

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Author Information

Jack Handey
12+ Works 1,491 Members

Series

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey
4 works (2)

Common Knowledge

Canonical title
Deeper Thoughts: All New, All Crispy
Alternate titles
Deeper Thoughts: As Seen on Saturday Night Live
Original publication date
1993
Dedication
To Marta (again, for some reason)
First words
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself.
Quotations
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to ... (show all)you, the reader, to decide.
    Then, at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something around. That way, if anyone says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe... (show all) by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming at me? I just sort of s... (show all)lip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could just throw some water in ... (show all)his face or something.
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!
Last words
(Click to show. Warning: May contain spoilers.)I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Original language
English

Classifications

Genre
Fiction and Literature
DDC/MDS
818.5402 — Literature & rhetoric American literature in English American miscellaneous writings in English 20th Century 1945-1999
LCC
PN6162 .H265 — Language and Literature Literature (General) Literature (General) Collections of general literature Wit and humor By region or country
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Members
246
Popularity
132,351
Reviews
1
Rating
(3.81)
Languages
English
Media
Paper
ISBNs
2
ASINs
1