The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

Anyone who has been, is or will be in a relationship should read this book. Finally, a common sense, whole person, realistic approach to relationships has been published. The canvas for this masterpiece is affairs but it really is a discussion, explanation and plea for a meaningful and positive approach to making a truly committed long term relationship work. She cites a book I read years ago, The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin, with his Erotic Equation: "Obstacles Attraction = Excitement" to reveal the ultimate truth that humans are complex, varied, and alive on a continuum. Selfishness and love need not compete but can be bent, molded or even wrenched to compliment and sculpt a unique but lasting piece of living art, a marriage.

Относно моралните измерения на изневярата съществуват колкото хора, толкова и мнения: от абсолютно отвращение, до "нека не се дебнем, че да не вземем да се хванем".

Също толкова много мнения има и относно това какво точно е изневяра: от религиозното виждане, че дори само нечистите помисли са грях, до "ама то беше само секс", да не говорим, че и за това какво точно е "само секс" има разнообразни виждания - питайте show more Бил "Свирката не е секс" Клинтън.

Тъй като изневярата е основно морален въпрос, а ние хората като цяло имаме склонност не само да заемаме твърди позиции по моралните въпроси, ами и дори да забравяме, че други хора може да имат други виждания за морал и други виждания по тия въпроси, е добре да се разсъждава и да се чете именно по такива теми, които нервират моралното ни чувство и ни карат да се замисляме по-дълбоко и по-добре.

"The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity" е първата книга, която разглежда изневярата цялостно и от всички страни, без да се впуска в морализаторстване по една или друга линия. Водена от различните ситуации, в които се оказват нейните клиенти, Ещер Перел преглежда различните виждания на хората относно изневярата, относно това какво е изневяра, различните видове изневяра, различните реакции на хората, тяхната различна мотивация за изневяра, за това да останат с изневерилия партньор или да го напуснат.

Отделено е място дори за подробно и безпристрастно разглеждане на въпроса от гледна точка на третата страна - на любовниците, хората, които имат връзка с обвързани или женени/омъжени партньори. Всяка глава от книгата е подкрепена от примери от терапевтичната практика на авторката.

Независимо дали сте човек, който го гризе съвестта, че изневерява, дали от десет години напразно чакате гаджето най-после да напусне жена си и да се ожени за вас, или току що сте открили, че въпреки взаимната уговорка, че забежките във вашия брак са позволени и за двамата, но само ако си казвате всичко, жена ви тайно се среща с някой друг, The State of Affairs ще ви даде спокойни и умерени съвети и поглед над ситуацията от всички страни.

От които не знам дали ще разберете точно какво трябва да направите, но определено ще ви помогне да го решите. show less

Extra-marital affairs. Taboo and yet common. Instead of dismissing the unexceptable, Perel examines it. Her premise is "that while many people have positive, life-changing experiences as a result of terminal illness, I would no more recommend having an affair than I would recommend getting cancer. What many people want to know, then, is what they can learn from affairs without necessarily having to go through one."

My daughter, a huge fan of Perel's podcast Where Shall We Begin, recommended the title and loaned me her copy. Of course, I read with care. And it was worth it. Wise, insightful, open, Perel shares wisdom from her work as a therapist woven together with the knowledge and research of others in the field.

I wasn't sure what to show more expect. I found empathy, new ideas, and engaging writing, show less

Esther Perel has the ability to delve so deep into human connection and understand relationships. I'm always blown away by her empathy and intelligence. However, a lot of what is in this book has been touched on in one aspect or another in her previous work (including the podcast) so I wasn't as engaged as I would have been if it was a fresh look at Perel's work. I also found it a little bit too long, though I did listen to the audiobook so I'm not sure I'd feel the same with a hardcopy. Genius stuff, nonetheless. Recommend it to anyone who is a human and wants to understand infidelity and reconciliation.

I enjoyed how Esther Perel writes about this charged topic, doing it in such a way that keept me engaged throughout the book. She really helps one think about marriage, but gives us the opportunity to question the traditional ideas with maturity and insight.

Esther Perel's book takes a fresh look at marriage, with a focus on one of its most frequent disrupters- infidelity. She begins by challenging traditional definitions of what infidelity means, and goes on to discuss it in all its complexity. Infidelity often destroys marriages but sometimes not and Perel discusses the factors that kinds of individuals that determine whether it will or not. This book has much to say about marriage itself, especially in our modern age of technology and long lifespans. I fIrst heard Perel on Fresh Air and thought she had some interesting views from her years as a therapist and she does.

This is an excellent source for practitioners wanting to understand the various processes in and around affairs. Esther Perel has made infidelity a focus of both her clinical work and her professional reading and reflection. As a result she is able to provide thoughtful commentary illustrated by case examples, and referring to the perspectives of other writers. I particularly liked these arguments:
- that the adulterer needs to be met with understanding by the practitioner, rather than judgement;
- that infidelity is viewed differently in different cultures;
- that the lover – the ‘third’ party – needs to be let down gently and respectfully when the adulterer chooses to end the relationship.
John Maddick, Counsellor, Kew