Sissy: A Coming-of-Gender Story

Jacob Tobia has produced an uncomfortable and important book.

Hearing experiences described that are so far from my own, occasionally made me uncomfortable. This led to many questions that I needed to grapple with. Have I been complicit? Have I accidentally reinforced gender stereotypes in a hurtful way with my son or others in my community? And as the author eloquently made the case of a common cause among trans people with people of color and other traditionally marginalized groups, I had to ask... How regularly am I following along with "unfair" white, patriarchy rather than asserting my own power and position? Have I accepted less than I should? I considered these - and many other questions and assumptions in my own life - while show more listening to Jacob's story. I believe that being uncomfortable is sometimes necessary to face my own truth.

As a liberal-minded member of society who believes deeply in each person's right to live true to themselves, I found that this book clearly, openly, and honestly presented an important view of inequity in family, community, political, and religious life. Human beings can be cruel. Fear of "different" can bring out the ugly side of people. Yet, Jacob found a way to live their true self. Everyone should read this book, and realize that... regardless of whether it is with malicious intent or with the ignorance of the incurious, words can hurt. Words have power. Words can show respect. Words can trivialize and minimize.

I don't know if I like Jacob as they presented themselves in this book. I do know that I deeply respect them - both for living life on their own terms and for having the courage to write about it.

While I usually feel that a skilled voice actor adds value to an audiobook, in this case I think the author's voice makes the story all the more compelling and authentic. It is, after all, their story. show less

A memoir/coming-of-age story from a non-binary author that was assigned male at birth but from their earliest memories knew that wasn't accurate. There are chapters covering their futile attempts to fit in at multiple stages of young life, with a lot of focus on high school, college, and being part of a relatively liberal but still typically American suburban Christian church. I loved it, and finished the whole thing in a few days. It's a great read if you or someone in your life has a gender identity that doesn't fit with the world around them, if a bit more in the venting category than having The Answer to make it all work.

Otherwise, chances are that this won't necessarily resonate as much with you if you didn't share something with show more Tobia that I do: we both went to college at Duke, and less than ten years apart. Prime example: one of the many strange intricacies of being a Duke student is that as a graduating senior you can apply to be a (non-voting and non-really mattering, but still) member of the Board of Trustees. One undergrad and one grad student per year get to do this, with finalists chosen by a student vote. I applied back in 2005, and it was a super interesting if all-consuming process. Tobia got much closer than I ever did, so I relished their stories of the interviewing and campaigning processes, and especially what that was like for an out queer candidate. show less

While the author might come off as a bit outspoken at times, I can completely see where they were coming from at every step of their journey. They tell their story well, and at no point did it feel like the book was dragging. I especially loved the unique monologues and perspectives they sometimes offered as asides to their story: they definitely add to the dialogue on gender theory, and simply being a person, in several nontrivial ways. As a bonus, I can also now sort of see what it was like growing up in the 00's.

Everyone should read this memoir. The author eviscerates the lazy way many of us who imagine we are enlightened look at gender nonconforming and trans people: born into the wrong body, have surgery, live happily ever after. The tone is light for the most part, but the message is heavy and important.

Jacob Tobia always knew that he was different than other little boys. He preferred the company of little girls as friends and his most cherished possession was a Barbie doll. In conservative Raleigh, North Carolina, he stood out at an early age.

That however is where this memoir fugues off from other memoirs of non-gender-conforming stories you may have read. There is none of the “I always knew I was a girl trapped in a boy’s body” of the ‘common’ trans story, or that “I always knew that I loved members of the same sex.”

Instead this memoir is complicated and often surprising.

I was so proud of the United Methodist Church youth leader when Jacob was in sixth grade and confessed to her that he thought he (when do you change show more pronouns?) was gay. I was also proud of the church as they let Jacob be authentic within his high school youth group. But, like Jacob, I was disappointed in the church when, as a high schooler, they refused to let Jacob tell his story to the middle school group talking about sexuality and refused to let Jacob to speak to the wider audience of adult congregants.

Jacob received a full scholarship to Duke University, where slowly they (now his preferred pronoun is the singular 'they' - and as they have changed pronouns, I will, too) claimed their authentic self ; first confronting harassment from individuals in a common setting and then becoming an organizer and leader of both the alternative gender group and the campus as a whole. As a top scholar as well as a student leader they and many of their friends and mentors believed they would be a shoo-in for top opportunities such as the Fulbright Scholarship. Disappointingly and surprisingly they were turned down for all of them. They came to believe that this was because they refused to live less authentically and the world outside a prestigious college was less accepting of people doing so.

Nor can I agree with all of Jacob’s choices – such as wearing a men’s business suit with high bling high heels at a conservate political setting when his boss was out of town. Are any of us ever allowed to be truly authentic at every minute of the day?

Nevertheless, Jacob continues to find their way in the world. As an under 30 writer, his memoir is not even at its half way point. According to Wikipedia, they now are “an American LGBT rights activist, writer, producer, television host, and actor.” In their memoir, Jacob states they continuously check their Wikipedia entry to keep it accurate – so if you want to know more, it’s a good place to start.

This memoir exploded much of what I thought I knew about genderqueer individuals and opened my eyes to the reality of the spectrum of people that make up ‘genderqueer.’ show less

Jacob tells the story of growing up knowing that the world is wrong about who they are and the compromises that they must make and the contradictions of their situation. So many aspects of gender identity and individuality are explored or touched on with the only absolute being that accepting an individual as who they say they are is the compassionate action. And the repeated admonitions that gender is messy the questions I have about trans identity will remain at best partially answered.

I was lamenting that all the books I read by trans authors seem to be about being trans, which doesn't really serve me anymore, and this is no exception, but I think I liked it a lot more than other similar (memoir, about someone I've never heard of) books because I related less to it. always good to read about other experiences you know? and like as i read more of it i found myself relating more possibly because of that. Some of the prose is tacky but I think that was intentional and therefore forgivable. really interesting part was like reconciling christianity with being nonbinary, I found that angle really unheard of as an atheist reader and appreciated that perspective.