If Only I Could Tell You: A Novel

I've just finished If Only I Could Tell you and I'm feeling quite frustrated. Not because I didn't love this book because I did, but because of the crux of the storyline, the two sisters who haven't spoken for nearly three decades, ripping their entire family apart. I want to rage at the misunderstandings, the mistakes, for nothing is ever black and white in families is it?

It's the story of Audrey, and of Lily and Jess. Audrey is their mother and she's had to witness the fracturing of her family. Only Jess ever knew why it had happened. Lily and Jess now have daughters of their own, born within six months of each other, cousins who could be close but can never meet. Very early on we learn of something that becomes the catalyst for show more matters to finally come to a head.

Hannah Beckerman's writing is warm, it's complex, it's beautiful. It's completely heartfelt but this is never a book that is twee or corny. It had me in tears more than once and when I thought I had an inkling of what might have happened Beckerman turned that on its head and dealt me a complete surprise.

What dawned on me right at the end as I thought back to what I had read was that this is very much a book about women. There are five strong women at the heart of it and only two men who feature in a very small way. It's a story of motherhood, of sisterhood, of ruptures in families that can last for years.

It's also an uplifting tale, particularly for Audrey who does something that she has wanted to do for years and it's only now, when time is critical, that she does it. I thought it was wonderful to witness her living her dreams. Her main dream though is for Lily and Jess's relationship to be repaired. I could only hope that her dream would come true.

Keep the tissues handy if you read If Only I Could Tell You. You must have a hard heart if you don't feel anything. The flashback scenes are particularly poignant and particularly difficult to read, but also written with great care and sensitivity. This is a gorgeous read in every way. show less

When you are a child, you remember things a certain way. You don’t think of other scenarios, just what you see. This is the problem go Jess. This action starts an almost 30 year estrangement between Jess and her sister, Lily. No one except Jess knows why and she’s not talking. This story unfolds as mother, Audrey, is fighting her own battle and wants to reunite her family.

This novel was family drama, at its best/worst, all characters evolving and enfolding their own battles. Have tissues handy as your heart won’t be able to take all the drama. Well written. Every individual handles grief differently, this family is no different. Each situation will frustrate you and tug at your heart at the same time. The last chapter...oh my! show more

Thanks to NetGalley for this ARC. Opinion is mine alone! show less

Families are complicated no matter how they appear to others. Families have secrets no matter how trivial or devastating. Ten year old eyes will see a different reality than a 15 year old pair, let alone the perspective from parental eyes. "If Only I Could Tell You" is a novel by Hannah Beckerman that expertly unravels an event that through the eyes of the mother, the 10 year old, and the 15 year old sparks a harsh divide lasting years.

As Audrey, the mother concludes, "There are as many different beginnings to a life as someone was brave and kind enough to allow themselves."

Beckerman's characters are easily embraced with chapters alternating from Audrey and her daughters. No one is a villain. Only after coming the fork in the road show more where each needs to reveal what has been their own secret, can a new family relationship begin. This novel has a "Hallmark Movie" feel but if the reader is looking for a fast paced story, this is one. I received my copy of this book through LibraryThing's Early Reviewer program. show less

I received a free copy of this book through the LibraryThing Early Readers program. Having started this book the day before, I had planned to read a couple hours, then run some errands. I got so absorbed in the book, and wanting to find out 'what happened', that no errands got done! I read to the end! Being in my 60s with adult children, I could totally relate to Audrey, the mother, when she finds out she is dying. Audrey is taking a good look back at her life, reading her teen journals, and realizes her life didn't take the course she had thought it would, and there's many goals she didn't accomplish. So she sets out to remedy that, but top of the list is to see the rift between her daughters healed. Her daughters have been estranged show more for decades, starting in their childhood, and it is breaking her heart to think that they will never be reconciled. She is unsure about the reason for the break. Jess seems to think it's all Lily's fault, and Lily thinks it is Jess's fault. The story is told from their separate viewpoints , bouncing between the childhood events and the present . This family has suffered some very traumatic events, that rocked it to the core.... and what is meant to protect children, turns out being misinterpreted ....and keeping secrets has torn them apart. The story unfolds slowly....... but there are hints that something sinister has happened....so you keep reading to find out what!! The ending was satisfying...and tear jerking. I had gotten rather attached to the characters, but I felt the daughters, Jess and Lily, were going to be ok. Aside from the story line, throughout the story, I was touched by Audrey's reflections on her life...... her regrets, not having accomplishing things that were so important to her younger self, her feelings of living with the results of 'wrong decisions', and her life going down the wrong path, out of her control.... her family broken seemingly beyond repair. It is a powerful reminder that our days are numbered, and those we love may not always be in our life..... and that relationships require openness and communication, and sometimes forgiveness. And that can live life to the fullest and follow our dreams, no matter our age.....or we will live with regrets of a life not lived fully. Overall, a good read! show less

Hannah Beckerman has written an intensely emotional book about secrets and how they can eat away at the bonds of family.

Audrey Siskin had many hopes and dreams as a child and young woman. She journaled frequently, writing about her hopes for the future, where she would go and what she would do. That all became a far off if ever, dream when she discovers she is pregnant. She marries her long-time boyfriend Edward and a life she had not planned begins. First Lily arrives and 5 years later twins Zoe and Jess join the family. But, life can be cruel and when cancer strikes their happy little family things happen that will be held in secret for many years but not before devasting six lives in different ways. Can happiness be restored? Can show more relationships be rebuilt?

This book is intense and is not a one-sitting read in my opinion. Plan to spend time with it, plan to have tissues close. I do believe it could have been a shorter book. I felt that sometimes it was repeating information or that there were parts we didn't really need to know.

I received this book through the LibraryThing Early Reviewer Program for the purpose of my honest review. show less

Family secrets that are kept too long can tear a family apart and even when the secrets come to light, the pain can still keep the family fractured. This new novel by Hannah Beckerman is about a family secret that destroyed the relationship between two sisters for over 30 years - they refuse to speak to each other or allow their daughters to meet. Their mother is desperate to reconcile her family no matter what it takes.

I really enjoyed the way that the author told this story. The secret was revealed slowly to keep the reader guessing. The story is told in alternating chapters by Audrey, Jess and Lily so that we get to know each character very well. All of the characters were so well written that they felt like people that I know in my show more life. And the big question through out the novel is whether the family can find their way back to each other after years of secrets and silence.

This book was an emotional roller coaster with three wonderful characters and a lot of misunderstanding between them. Have Kleenex close because you're going to need it. This is a story about family, love, grief and honesty and one that I won't soon forget.

Thanks to Library Thing for a copy of this book to read and review. All opinions are my own show less

So often I find that conflicts between family members are meaningless and kind of stupid in novels (and generally in real life too, but that's a different conversation) but, while I still think this one was a bit stupid because Jess seriously never confronted Lily about it or told her why she was angry? Communication, jeesh. it did feel far more worthy of having a conflict than most family books do. I cried at this one, and loved the teenage granddaughters. I think Zoe should have been introduced far earlier. But on the whole this was pretty good.