Love Lives Here: A Story of Thriving in a Transgender Family

“Love always comes first.”

An honest, uplifting, sometimes painful, passionate, informative, reflective story that I broadly knew from following Amanda on Twitter. In the space of a year, her middle child came out as a trans girl, aged 11, followed by her spouse as a trans woman.

It’s told with a light, self-deprecating, sometimes humorous touch, from Amanda’s perspective. Alexis and Zoe were fully involved in what’s written, and can tell their versions if they ever want to. Meanwhile, how many excellent writers are both mother and spouse of trans people?

What this is (personal) - and is not (TERF wars)

“We’re a typical home filled with laughter, conversation, sibling rivalry, too much laundry, not enough vegetables and show more fights over who gets to pick the Friday-night movie… Some of the names and pronouns have changed, but the love remains the same.”

This is a personal memoir. The ups, downs, and sideways paths. It’s written to inform and to prompt empathy and understanding.

It is not a medical text, a guide book to being trans or supporting trans people, nor a polemical trans manifesto. It’s not even an analysis and rebuttal of divisive issues the media loves to debate.

The family’s story speaks for itself.
It informs without preaching.

Puberty-blockers; dealing with bullies; adjusting language and relationships; coming out; shopping, changing rooms and loos; surgery or not, and fitting in at school and work, are all mentioned in relation to the specific circumstances of the Knox family. Gender critical and trans exclusionary reactionary feminism (TERF) are mentioned, but in the context of threats and hate mail received.

It’s refreshing to have a friendly, very readable narrative, that shows trans people as ordinary people who happen to be trans. Rather than focusing on, let alone judging the issues, you warm to them as people.

The book is suffused with love and hope and more love, as the family demonstrates "the power of visibility".

Image: “Lead with Love” (Amanda’s tattoo) (Source.)

The story

Amanda covers her own mental health issues (abandonment, being bullied, and into rehab at 14) and dropping out of school, as well as her spouse’s early years. They married and had children young and poor. The marriage wasn’t easy, but “the girl from Peterborough” (as she describes pre-coming out Zoe) developed a good career and Amanda was beginning to feel accepted as a suburban school mom and blogger. And then…

“Her being a boy was part of my identity but it wasn’t part of hers.”

Alexis was 11 when she came out (her brothers were 17 and 7). Amanda tackled this surprise by going into research mode, then education and advocacy on all things LGBTQ+. She knew from having a brother with Down Syndrome that “love and inclusion can make a meaningful difference”.

But Alexis’ blossoming made Zoe’s dysphoric moodiness worse, and ultimately precipitated her own revelation.

“I had always known she wasn’t one of the guys. I just didn’t know to what extent.”

It obviously raised questions about their marriage, and as the main earner, Zoe was additionally anxious about work - a place she’d been for 12 years.

“She felt like she knew everyone there. She felt like nobody knew her… Seen, but invisible.”

It’s not a spoiler to say this is a happy story. Not an easy one. Not without pain. But happy.

Image: Transformation of a Monarch butterfly (Source.)

Self-criticism

“I was the captain of Team Righteous” on matters such as breastfeeding and sleep training, and “I likely hurt a lot of feelings… I only thought about being right”.

In these new circumstances, where she is the one being judged, Amanda realises her past mistakes as well as the times she doesn’t say or do the right thing to support Alexis and then Zoe. I think she’s too hard on herself. It also makes her already fragile mental health especially vulnerable to malicious criticism.

Risk and opportunity

The ups and downs of family life were already in the public domain via Amanda’s mommy blog. When Alexis came out, Amanda couldn’t not mention it.

They decided - as a family - that although there were risks, Amanda would continue to blog, using it as a platform for good. They assessed subsequent media offers in a similar way, accepting some and refusing an exploitative “reality” show.

Curiosity - right and wrong

“Being trans wasn’t the problem… The problem was how society treated her.”

It’s natural to be curious, especially about the unfamiliar. But kindness and basic good manners should filter what’s in one’s mind before it comes out in one’s words.

The world is finally interested in trans people, but often pruriently focuses on the wrong things. Genitals, in particular - a hugely inappropriate interest when the subject is a child. However, Amanda, with her educator’s hat, reaslies the subject needs to be discussed a little, so does.

Epilogue - 1 and 2

My paperback has an epilogue which mentions Amanda and Zoe adopting Alexis’ best friend, Ashley, in January 2020.

Since then, in April 2020, Alexis, now aged 17, has refined her labels and came out as non-binary: happy with her name, and with female or non-gendered pronouns. But firmly not male.

More info

Amanda often mentions research, websites, and forums. I wish they’d been listed in an appendix.

She was a warm, informative, patient, and positive presence on Twitter, but in the last few weeks, has deactivated her account. (When I last looked, a troll was currently using her picture and a very similar account name.)

However, her blog is still going: amandajetteknox.com. Read about her, her family, and sample her writing.

You also get an impression from the sequence of chapter titles:

detour
foundations
self-destruction
gravitation
integration
roots
catalyst
unlearning
confrontation
fallout
affirmation
mainstream
goals
revelations
aftermath
shattered
dissolution
solicitude
stasis
insidious
daylight
reaction
reality
“sir”
whole
resolve
ripples
renewal

“Hate is loud and violent, but it burns out quickly. Love is quieter and slower, but more resilient.” show less

The subtitle of this book really sums up the whole memoir: A Story of Thriving in a Transgender Family. I think the author carefully chose the verb "thriving" rather than "living" or "surviving" or "being". Thriving connotes a much more optimistic tone than those others and sets the tone for what would have been an upheaval.

Amanda Knox thought she had a pretty standard nuclear family: three sons, a father and a mother. She recognized that there were issues. Their middle child had problems at school and her spouse always seemed to be angry. She herself struggled with depression and anxiety. Turns out those were just symptoms of gender identity and sexuality factors. Within a few years her middle child came out as a girl, her spouse show more revealed he had always gender identified as a female and she recognized that she was a lesbian. The story of how the family got through these challenging times is very affirming and a great read. I would imagine that for parents and children facing similar challenges this book would be a lifesaver. show less

Such a heartfelt, loving book. Amanda isn't out to make herself look "good" in telling the story of her family members' transitions but she does a bang up job of showing just how much better they're all off for it, how much happier, & how meaningful supportive transition is. Pretty sure reading this makes Amanda my mom now & I'm totally here for it.

Amanda Jette Knox has written this story of her family with the hope it will help other people and families deal with transgender issues. She has also written it with sometimes brutal honesty, some humour and always with love and compassion.

Amanda's middle child came out as transgender when she was 11. About a year later, the person Amanda always thought of as her husband also....after years of carrying a huge emotional and psychological burden...admitted that she was also transgender.

My son's best friend transitioned when they were in high school. I have three friends with transgender children or grandchildren.
So, I have people I care about in this group and I try to be supportive and respectful. Ms. Knox's book gave me some further show more insights in this regard. I am happy that things are getting better for all members of the LGBTQ community, but there is still a long way to go, making this an important (as well as entertaining) book. show less