Loved and Missed

Reminder: I do not write 'reviews' - I write what the book made me think about or feel or whatever.

A study, in a way, of four generations of single mothers with one child, a daughter. A landscape devoid of men in any intimate way--which in my view is not all that significant in terms of what Boyt is driving at. For all the supposed 'norm' we all cling to, the truth is, so many families, like this one ARE the norm because there is no norm. (One could say the same for all men dyad families, btw and any other combo you want to think up). The protagonist, Ruth, is the second of the four generations and is daughter (through memory here) /mother/grandmother. I think what emerged for me were two major threads -- one that such families are show more incredibly fragile -- if one person 'leaves' (literally through death or refusing to be part of the pair) the whole thing falls apart, both people are left untethered; in that vein it is also all too easy for one person to overwhelm the other with need. At the core of 'why' Boyt seems to be calmly demonstrating that at the core of how some thrive and some do not is emotional resilience- the grandchild 'kidnapped' (not really) and raised by her grandmother is just such a person: born inherently resilient. I've read of studies about resilience -- that in the same family children who experience almost identical trauma and then receive the same care, do not recover similarly. Some move on, some are destroyed -- most are probably somewhere in between. In a family this small, consequences of even smaller losses and problems, are magnified, in a larger one I suspect that those 'in-between' can be greatly helped if they have supportive family members and feel loved. At the core is a mystery, a painful one at that. I could go on and on but I'll stop and say that Boyt weaves the story beautifully, some recollections here, the present moment there . . . much wit as well, often very wry. Much is left opaque and unsaid. A painful read but worthwhile ***** show less

What a heartrending read; this intense but witty novel isn't for those who need a cheerful uplift. Ruth is struggling to maintain any sort of connection to her grown daughter, Eleanor, who is addicted to drugs & drifting through living arrangements with other addicts. She has a baby girl, Lily, and Ruth manages to get Eleanor, the baby and Ben, the father to join her to hold a baby christening at a local church - this event is described from several angles, reverent at times, exasperating, fraught with tension & awkward social moments. Eventually Ruth sees Eleanor cannot, will not, care for Lily (Ben is gone, apparently forever) and takes her home with her. Ruth continues to work as a teacher, and has the support of several friends -all show more sympathetic but helpless to alleviate Ruth's heartache from her daughter's alienation- as she raises Lily. Ruth is grateful for Lily's love - and marvels at the opportunity to build another daughter-mother bond "Love without fear is a new feeling for her, almost unrecognizable. Will it last?" (review) As the story of their years together unspools, the author shifts us into Ruth's past: her strong ties to her mom, who raised her without her father when he simply up and left; her happy times raising Eleanor-until she turned 15 and turned against her mother so sharply, Ruth was left helpless; her secret liasions with a friend's ex-husband that results in Eleanor. Never read a novel in which the writer can describe the almost unexplainable intensity of a mother for a child, and vice versa, in such beautiful prose. The pain & longing Ruth endures for her grown daughter, now choosing to sever all ties, is complex and real. Slow going but the insights into human psyche, and the interactions both casual and serious between all the other characters - the mild mannered priest, Ruth's various friends (since teenage yrs), but especially her strengthening friendship with a fellow teacher, Jean, who is also single, popular with the students, fearless in her willingness to say anything, fiercely loyal and helpful, and of course Lily, the granddaughter who is 15 by novel's end. Each character portrait is developed with insight and sympathy - show less

Honestly, I don't remember how I stumbled upon this book, but I'm fortunate that this book found me somehow. The blurb wasn't entirely convincing when I first read it – estranged single mother and daughter, the upbringing of the granddaughter as a form of penance, and a drug addiction that overcasts the entire story. Oh, how wrong I was! This is such an endearing, intimate, moving novel about motherhood with a side of friendship.

Ruth, the single mother and grandmother, works as a school teacher and is regarded as a lovely and supportive teacher by her students. She pours all the more affection into her daughter, Eleanor, only to be met with resentment that manifests as addiction. Boyt never explicitly described Eleanor's addiction in show more grotesque details, yet it inextricably weaves in and out of Ruth and Lily's lives. Except for Ruth's final moments, where Eleanor shows up after Lily's imploration, she exists like a ghost who's remembered but has ceased to exist.

The emotions and love between Ruth and Lily also transcend that of a normal grandmother-granddaughter relationship. Lily's upbringing was almost like a wound healed to Ruth's seemingly failed parenting of her own daughter. The cautious tiptoeing of what's too much and what's just enough remained so delicate, so fragile that I fear the same mistakes being committed twice. Thankfully, that didn't happen. Quite the opposite, Lily grew up mature, thoughtful, and understanding of the implications of her mother's addiction. She's always extended hope even when no one else in her position likely would have. show less

A bit of a slow start, with some layers of British reserve to break through, but had me a little weepy by the end. Ruth is a middle-aged teacher whose daughter Eleanor has gone astray - drug habit and living on the streets. Ruth tries painstakingly to walk the line between support and enabling and having her heart broken over and over. When Eleanor and her current partner, Ben have a baby girl, Lily, Ruth carefully inserts herself into the equation to ‘look after’ baby Lily, knowing their addictions will eventually lead them to neglect and ultimately abdication of their parental rights. Ruth and Lily have a beautiful relationship - she is the daughter Eleanor never was and gives Ruth’s second half of life meaning and joy. There show more are lots of subtle messages about women’s power and strength -it’s a long family heritage of single mothers - and exactly what constitutes motherhood. Some great reflections on literature too - Ruth has taught her students that poetry by heart is ‘a lovely wallpaper for your life’. Most of the book is told by Ruth with admirable honesty, the last bit of the book belongs to Lily - so wise and mature for her 15 years - and Eleanor is a ghostly presence throughout. The title has a clever explanation that is worth the read - especially in light of the hard work of loving those who constantly disappoint. show less

quite good ebook read. boyt spread out many appropriate sayings about lives and also provided references to many literary works. some i knew, but if i had known more i would have gotten even more out of the book. the characters were living under very difficult circumstances, and did not always act in a likable way, but the author presented them in a way that i did care for them. life is filled with unpredictability, and we all try to deal with them to the best of our abilities. even though there were many coincidences, the author ended it well.

"I had to be stoic when I was with Eleanor--if I looked in any way aggrieved, she would not speak--but I forgot in my panics that seeing me spritz myself all over with brightness disgusted her a little bit also."

Ruth is a teacher who raised her daughter Eleanor as a single-mom. Although she was an excellent and responsible parent, Eleanor turned rebellious and sullen as a teenager, and ultimately became a drug addict. Ruth loves Eleanor, has always tried to be there for her, but is constantly pushed away by Eleanor, and their relationship is usually more off than on.

Now Eleanor has become a mother herself, and has an infant daughter Lily. As the novel opens it becomes clear to Ruth that Eleanor is incapable of raising Lily, and through show more a series of machinations, Ruth takes over the care of Lily, although she ensures that Eleanor is welcome in Lily's life at any time. And the book becomes the story of Ruth and her granddaughter Lily, as Ruth teaches school, cares for and loves Lily, and grows old, and Lily grows up to be a fine young women.

This was a lovely contemplative book about a woman given a second chance to raise a child that I liked very much. I highly recommend it.

3 1/2 stars show less

My first Susie Boyt book, this is the first of her books published in the U.S., I'll be looking for her earlier novels on-line.

Boyt does a great job of portraying the one sided relationship between a mother and her drug addicted daughter. It's painful and humiliating for Ruth, the mother, who never gives up wanting to help her daughter, but she knows Eleanore is not capable of raising a child and maneuvers to take Lily and raise her on her own.

Is this her second chance to get it right?

The beauty of the story slowly unfolds in timeline jumps that help to explain Ruth and Lily's relationship. I never quite understood what went wrong with Eleanore, but sometimes it's nothing that can be explained, it's the person and it just happens.

Highly show more recommend....loved it. show less