Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; the Respect He Desperately Needs

A poor exegesis and application of a passage from Ephesians leads the author to impose a psychological framework on men and women. Men are intrinsically created to need respect (from women especially), and women are intrinsically created to need "love" (from men especially). A complementarian approach that leans heavily towards submission of women to the potentially immature whims of men. I started to read this because so many pastors were referring to the book; but and lost interest about half way through. Became repetitive, and I couldn't get past the obvious misapplication of Ephesians at the outset on which the book was based. Sometimes it's better for Christian counselors to get expert advice on biblical interpretation before show more building an unsustainable psychological and potentially harmful model. show less

If most women tend to go by emotions, most men tend to go by ego. This is such a common wisdom that it became cliches, and yet, when brought together as in a marriage, such common wisdom remains so overlook many spouses end up unhappy, or at least not fully satisfied in their relationship. Why is that?

Granted: Dr Emerson Eggerichs is a pastor, and so his view is distorted by his very personal experience in marriage counseling that is, the couples he has been dealing with (and who inspired this book) are Christian couples, abiding to Christian values, and submitting to the teachings of the Bible. It would appear chauvinist to many (myself included) but here we are: it is the duty of a husband to love his wife, as it is the duty of a wife show more to recognise her husband's authority as head of the family, and so respect him as such. Failing to do so is failing God's command; no if, no but.

'Each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.'
- Ephesian 5:33

Fair enough, but is he right?

I won't go into this. A successful marriage is about shared values. Hence, if you are a Christian couple sharing such perspective, then by any mean go for this! After all, his program seems successful enough with such spouses. The thing is... I am not Christian. More, as a married man I do not see myself as the head of my family, and I don't want to be. I see marriage as an equal partnership, exactly like a football team cannot succeed without a captain and a coach battling for the same goal. Does that mean, then, that his Love & Respect was irrelevant to me? Certainly not!

I agree with him: women go by emotions, men by ego. The worst thing a husband can do is to neglect his wife's emotional needs (for love, closeness, understanding, esteem). The worst thing a wife can do is to disrespect her husband by belittling him or seemingly attacking him, something many do without even being aware of it (the ever unsatisfied nag is a real thing, believe it!). He offers rough advice on how to go about that, and I found them quite on spot.

The major issue I had here, is the clear cut divide between men and women. He seems to be aware of it, yet nevertheless digs himself in until turning his own view into a caricature. What do I mean? I mean that men too need love, and women too crave for respect. The drive might not be equal in both, but such needs and drive are there regardless. I have not, therefore, read this book the way he intended his readers to.

Yes, men would benefit greatly in following his advices on how to show love to their woman the way women feels love; and yes, women would benefit greatly too in following his advices on how to respect their man the way men perceive respect. BUT to me it also goes the other way round: not only what he preaches about love applies to women to follow towards their men, but, above all, what he preaches about respect also applies to men to follow towards their women (again, I am here talking about relationships where authority is shared; so not the patriarchal ones he envisions).

All in all then, here's not a bad book. It may be repetitive, Christianly narrow-minded, relying mostly on anecdotal evidences, and with a lot of annoying self-promotion for his classes; but the point remains: love motivates respect, respect motivates love. For whose feeling put off by his Biblical outlook, though, I cannot but recommend another book on the topic: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert . Eggerichs actually mentions its author a few time, so maybe it would be best picking that one first? show less

I listened to the audiobook of this book several months ago, after thinking for several years that I ought to read it and never getting around to it. Although I’m not the target audience for this book (I’m not married), I found this book both challenging and eye-opening. It’s made me stop to evaluate my relationships with my father and brothers, and think through ways I can bless them when I interact with and respond to them. If I ever get married, I would definitely want to re-read this one, because it has a lot of practical tips to help combat and rethink common relationship troubles. Recommended—a very good read.

This is not a great book, but the ideas in it are well worth reading for almost every married person. The basic premise is that women need love from their husbands and men need respect from their wives. Eggerichs uses Scripture and his years of counseling and conference experience to back this up. My one complaint with the book is that it really could have been adequately explained in a long (10,000 words or so) magazine article.

One of the best relationship books I've read, and the only one with the courage to tell the full truth -- love is not the whole equation, because while women generally want to be loved above all else, men typically want to be respected.

The statement alone causes shock in this society, that has been taught that we only have to love each other more. We have been taught that women should love their husbands, but nag them and manipulate them to do what they want. I have heard it myself when a man asks for love, a woman will say, "You don't care that I love you?"

The truth has been in the Bible the whole time. Women are instructed to respect and honor their husbands while husbands are to love their wives. Eggerichs painstakingly shows how show more showing a man more respect can even bring more love into a marriage.

I recommend it highly to all married couples, but more than anything else, build your relationship on Christ and it will succeed. show less

I’ve usually been weary about reading many relationship books but I recently read one that was a delightful page turner and a keeper. If you could read just one book to bless your marriage, this is it Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

I find the ideas in this book are Christian based, and also very practical. I like that the author gives real-life examples from their own marriage, that the reader can relate to and laugh about. It’s definitely a book to get if you’re looking to improve or save your marriage. It will give you fresh insights into the needs & wants of your mate.

In reading about how this book came about I comprehended what makes this book so impacting. show more It was birthed from the illumination in Scripture! In 1998, Dr. Eggerichs was studying the Bible and he saw the “love and respect” principle in Ephesians 5:33 where it says, “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband”. Dr Eggerichs puts it like this “Without love, she (the wife) reacts without respect. Without respects, he (the husband) reacts without love. While we previously were told that love was the answers for all issues (both male and female), the inclusion of respect will help marriages to be solid and Biblically sound. This book is for both sides of the marriage.

The book’s first section deals with what Eggerichs calls, “The Crazy Cycle.” The “crazy cycle” deals primarily with communication. Simply put, men and women communicate differently. And not only do they communicate differently, they decipher and interpret differently. When a spouse makes a statement that they innocently believe conveys their true feelings, the other spouse interprets it incorrectly and then responds to that misinterpretation. Thus, the “crazy cycle” begins. But those are symptoms of the greater issue at hand: men desire to be respected and wives desire to be loved. The messages often undermine and are based these two foundational expressions.

This is where Eggerichs masterfully provides extremely practical insights and advice, and he does so with the use of acronyms. The essential truth is that if you work through the acronym, you end up at a place where your wife will know that you do honor and cherish her! The book closes with some thoughts on the rewards of living the suggestions out. I’m reminded of the importance of taking to heart what matters to God, and marriage matters to God – period. show less

Men need to learn how to better show their love and affection for their wives. Women need to show better respect for their husbands and the role they have in the marraige relationship. This is the premise for the book. I was highly excited to get a book that was supposed to teach me more about respect and my husband more about love. And yet, it became mostly a method and perspective of how a woman mostly whines and nags. The descriptions used to illustrate a woman in this book are in some cases highly offensive. And when it says that some instances of the mans behavior is a woman's fault, I said, ok..now repeat that for the man. But it never did. There were no derogatory descriptions of a mans behavior but plenty for women. It seems show more highly one-sided. The premise is great, the scripture is good, but the execution and delivery is terrible.

I've read tons of reviews on this book before choosing to get it anyway. And for those who've used another's review to question their beliefs and ability to even give an opinion on the book is appalling. I don't believe they are even trying to give the respect that this book taught. This book needed to have less derogatory descriptions of women and more depth on actual causes to these actions by BOTH men and women as opposed to being so fully lopsided. It needs more options of to do's for people to apply rather than scenarios of things gone wrong. It boasted to tell of the love women need and the respect men deserve and it failed to deliver this. show less