The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women's True Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away

A interesting book theme but which regrettably fails to fulfill its promise. This short story anthology about women who have had women friends exhibits high level writing for which I am grateful but lacks the energy of spontaneity from true memoirs. I read mostly memoirs nowadays. These stories claim to be autobiographical but the editors in the Foreword say that elements have been changed. This means that the works are fiction due to confidentiality issues. The Introduction very concisely and elegantly states female friendships as a proposal unlike a love romance "...is supposed to be made of sturdier stuff, a less complicated, more enduring relationship." Their uncomplicated, reassuringly reasonable nonfamilial relationships even show more promise to last forever. Most remorsefully don't, say the Editors. The writers focus on their own "dizzying subjectivity" which turns out to be the downfall of most of those anthologized. The friendships are used to "glimpse a sharper and clearer, or simply more interesting, image of ourselves." The friendships written about are unfortunately then exercises in self-interest. It's hard to move beyond that as Montagne knew well. But it is to be possible for we readers. The Editors quote Boswell's Johnson as illustrative in this respect but I don't know if that was a real male friendship. Female friendships are different than male friendships but both must be understood as complementary. Published in 2005, this book is a relic of bygone days when Ivy League MFA grads/students were seen as the cream of the crop of creative writers. This book seems like an academic exercise polished up rather than a struggle to find what female friendships can offer or deny. Most often there is a rage against the patriarchy, or minimally cultural criticism. One story even attacks stereotypical standards of beauty as a kind of Picture of Dorian Gray motif. Classical stereotypes of beauty must be set aside in preference to any inclusive model even if rejecting classicist norms causes discomfort and revulsion in the critique. If you like female writers (I do) and desire a book full of them, you can read this and find something interesting. This anthology needs a Part II.
I probably should have rated this higher due to the number of contributors' entries but I can live with saying I read it and leave it there. show less

Although I didn't love all the stories in this book of essays, there were a few that really spoke to me. That reminded me of my own 'friends who got away' ... that made me sad, frustrated and nostalgic all at once! Friendships are complicated and I think almost everyone has experienced letting go of a friendship or being let go of ... it's pretty universal. As a result, it was really quite interesting to read about the experiences of other women ... their feelings, their motivations, as well as their justifications. Overall, I'm glad that I read this collection of essays but it wasn't a personal favorite.

I enjoyed individual essays in this collection, and I appreciated the book's statement that friendships are taken for granted, and that there is an unspoken failure and shame if those friendships do not last. But an anthology is always uneven. Dorothy Allison's piece on the sexual relationships she's had with friends was excellently written and smartly self-critical, I thought Patricia Marx's piece Tenure was self-evident and a bit smug.

Katie Roiphe's essay examined how easy it is to choose a sexual partner over a friend, and how that is so often seen as the ultimate betrayal. I would have been interested in reading a further examination of this, that talked about the politics of female friendships. It's true that shows like Sex and show more the City present friendships as the one constant a woman will have through her life the thing that remains unquestioned. And yet, there are many aspects of sexual politics which remain unexamined; popular culture rarely looks at power dynamics between women in an interesting or feminist way. And most of these stories remain on the personal level, without any further analysis, which is what I'd been hoping to read. show less

From The Book Wheel:

The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women’s True Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away by Jenny Offill and Elissa Schappell (author of Blueprints for Building Better Girls, which is on my Kindle) is a book of essays written by women who lost a female friendship. Some were by choice, others by mistake, and a few for no reason at all. As a woman who is entering her 30′s, I have begun to experience first hand the effects of losing a longtime female friendship for no other reason other than drifting away, and I have ended some by choice.

What I loved about this book is that it’s honest. The introduction discusses how it’s okay to breakup with lovers, but that female friendship rarely end show more with a clean break. This is because women hold each other to higher standards, and to commit an act of betrayal against a female friend is much worse than having done so in a romantic relationship (and women also grant other women more leeway in their behaviors).

While all of the essays were great, I was most intrigued by the back-to-back essays written by two women who had lost their friendship years before. It was fascinating to see two different people describe their perception of the friendship and its dissolution, demonstrating that each person perceives and feels things different.

This is a great book for any woman who has ever lost a friend to time, betrayal, or simply to the circumstances of life. It was nice to realize that I am not alone and that it’s okay not to feel guilty about the ending of a friendship. It’s more important for women to celebrate the time they had together than to focus on the drifting apart. show less

Wrenching stories of failed friendships. This book brought back some unpleasant memories for me, as well as some that have become bittersweet with time. There are several famous writers sprinkled throughout, including Dorothy Allison and Diana Abu Jaber. Two essays are about the same friendship, told from each woman's side. Uncomfortable and compelling at the same time.

Although I didn't love all the stories in this book of essays, there were a few that really spoke to me. That reminded me of my own 'friends who got away' ... that made me sad, frustrated and nostalgic all at once! Friendships are complicated and I think almost everyone has experienced letting go of a friendship or being let go of ... it's pretty universal. As a result, it was really quite interesting to read about the experiences of other women ... their feelings, their motivations, as well as their justifications. Overall, I'm glad that I read this collection of essays but it wasn't a personal favorite.

Although I didn't love all the stories in this book of essays, there were a few that really spoke to me. That reminded me of my own 'friends who got away' ... that made me sad, frustrated and nostalgic all at once! Friendships are complicated and I think almost everyone has experienced letting go of a friendship or being let go of ... it's pretty universal. As a result, it was really quite interesting to read about the experiences of other women ... their feelings, their motivations, as well as their justifications. Overall, I'm glad that I read this collection of essays but it wasn't a personal favorite.