Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

As the child of a narcissist, this was the very first book I read on this subject, and it proved to be an excellent choice. The chapters are clear and concise, and the author covers a wide range of abuse. I immediately recognized my parent in two of the half dozen types mentioned by the author.

The author also discusses coping strategies, like what is now often called 'gray rock' (giving minimal, controlled responses, showing no emotion, giving limited information, etc) and various ways to confront the abusive parent. She offers no illusion in warning the reader that not all confrontations are successful, but also offers hope to the reader that their lives will be better, regardless of whether their parent acknowledges their wrongdoing show more or not.

Whether or not you were abused as a child, or are not quite sure, this is an excellent book, and if you were not abused, this will hopefully give you insight and more understanding towards others who were abused, and recognize behaviors/patterns of abuse. show less

I read this book many years ago when it was recommended by a psychologist who met me in a work training session and recognised I had all the symptoms of being raised by toxic parents. He also asked me if I'd like to talk more in a pro bono session. I did. He and this book changed my life - it really did. I can't recommend it highly enough. The words that really set me free were, "You must let go of the responsibility for the painful events of your childhood and put it where it belongs."

- good stuff on destroying the myth of the perfect parents, unconditional respect
- useful discussion of how the less-"toxic" parent can assist in enabling abuse, a dynamic that I rarely see discussed in literature on abuse
- a little too gender-neutral: no discussion of how male dominance relates to male violence (for this, see instead [b:Lundy Bancroft|224552|Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men|Lundy Bancroft|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1388183462s/224552.jpg|217475], [b:Patrizia Romito|1332389|A deafening silence Hidden violence against women and children|Patrizia Romito|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1347551260s/1332389.jpg|1321900], [b:second-wave feminist writings|3218081|Women Against show more Violence Against Women|Dusty Rhodes|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1267865168s/3218081.jpg|3252022]), nor acknowledgment that abusive mothers and fathers are not interchangeable in their attitudes or behaviors, and I am not at all convinced by the author's suggestion "the feelings and trauma are the same" for female and male victims of child rape, her justification for always putting them in coed group therapy sessions
- another questionable suggestion: that men who rape little boys are repressed homosexuals
- the author recommends a "confrontation" with the toxic parents, not so much to get them to change but to let you get over them; it's an interesting idea, I'm not yet convinced it's always needed show less

The author is a counselor who treats victims of parental abuse and incest. The case studies are instructive and her advice is helpful. I am concerned with the potential negative impact of confrontation with abusive parents. Maybe the pain is worth it in the end. For the present, it is sufficient for me to acknowledge and recall the toxic environment of my childhood. It is helpful to understand one's self and how childhood experiences have impacted adult behavior. I recommend this book to anyone who had toxic parents.

This book is divided into two parts, the first part which lets you analyse if you were in a toxic relation with your parents and the second part which is more of a self help guide. It was a recommendation that came out of Mallu Analyst's videos and one which was also engaging to read. Written by a professional psychologist, I believe this contains valuable advice which is relevant not only to people who have been abused or have reached a level where they need to seek medical help but also for people who don't consider themselves to be in a victim class. Its an eye opener for people interested in knowing what good parenting must be. I am tempted to believe that good parenting is probably to provide as less parenting as possible. Or in show more other words its an effort to understand and avoid the pitfalls of toxic parenting. There are times where I have felt less comfortable reading this because
1. This seemed to provide insights into my personal life or people whose lives I have come to know and I was afraid of the power of a book to do so. A need for cross verification comes up.
2. No one wants to be in a therapist's room unless you feel you have a problem at hand. show less

Wow. I devoured this book. I found it riveting, fascinating, absorbing - I couldn't put it down. I am intrigued by books that help me understand how people work. Why does my friend have these emotional issues? How has a troubled relationship with her father affected the rest of her life? This book does an amazing job of explaining the psychology of those questions. Plus, it was an enjoyable read. Usually books like this have a tendency to go over the head of the average person. But this was written in an easy writing style. I laughed and cried with the people who were featured as cases.

Really, really good -- not condescending, not prescriptive, and thoughtful. *Re-readable*.