The Austere Academy

I've been reading this series as bedtime stories with Milly, although I did have to go back and read a few myself that she had raced through, unable to wait for me to read them to her at the pace of one chapter a night. They are genuinely brilliant books, funny and dark, mysterious and absurd.

By now we know Snicket's schtick, and the books have settled into a routine. This time the orphans are sent to a boarding school. The idea of Sunny working as a secretary because she is too young for school was one of my favourite ongoing jokes throughout this book. Count Olaf naturally is still dreadful, and still getting away with half arsed disguises because every adult in these books is either a villain or an idiot. Marvellous stuff.

“Assumptions are dangerous things to make, and like all dangerous things to make -- bombs, for instance, or strawberry shortcake -- if you make even the tiniest mistake you can find yourself in terrible trouble. Making assumptions simply means believing things are a certain way with little or no evidence that shows you are correct, and you can see at once how this can lead to terrible trouble. For instance, one morning you might wake up and make the assumption that your bed was in the same place that it always was, even though you would have no real evidence that this was so. But when you got out of your bed, you might discover that it had floated out to sea, and now you would be in terrible trouble all because of the incorrect show more assumption that you'd made. You can see that it is better not to make too many assumptions, particularly in the morning.”

And if you were to assume that the Baudelaire orphans will be foisted off on another clueless guardian in this fifth book, you would be wrong. Instead, they are sent off to Prufrock (lit reference!) Preparatory School to suffer the cruelty of Nero (vice principal -- the principal never appears) and Genghis (Count Olaf disguised as "the world's greatest gym teacher"), along with the cluelessness of fishy teachers Mr. Remora & Mrs. Bass. And for the first time in the series, they're actually around other children, including the terrible Carmelita Spats

“If you were going to give a gold medal tot he least delightful person on Earth, you would have to give that medal to a person named Carmelita Spats, and if you didn't give it to her, Carmelita Spats was the sort of person who would snatch it from your hands anyway. Carmelita Spats was rude, she was violent, and she was filthy, and it is really a shame that I must describe her to you, because there are enough ghastly and distressing things in this story without even mentioning such an unpleasant person.”

and the wonderful Quagmire triplets (only two of whom survived a fire which killed their parents), who are as intelligent and quirky as the Baudelaires. Of course, if you assume that something terrible will befall these new friends, you would actually be correct. After all, there are eight books remaining in the series... show less

Please, Lemony Snicket, I ask imploringly, a word here which means "so as to have more free time," write a book that doesn't suck me completely into the story, one that doesn't monopolize my reading time, and make me less than attentive as a zoom through the book I read alternately with yours just to get back to yours. Please? Then I'll have more free time for doing things like fixing that leaky faucet, or solving the halting problem, or one of roughly a dozen other things I'd be doing if I weren't busy reading your books.

Granted, please let me know if you decide to write an uninteresting book, so that I know to avoid it at all costs, no matter what the organ grinder and his monkey may try to convince me. You may send notice through the show more normal means, with the exception of heliograph, as I have recently taken up occupation with a family of feral bats, and they do not take so kindly the flashing lights, no matter what manner of information is being conveyed.

Nevertheless, I would just like for you to know that I recently picked up and read The Austere Academy, and I would like to say the following things about it:

I found it truly vivid, your description of the Baudelaire's stay at Prufrock Prep. I had the chance to visit the same not too long ago, and was indeed reminded, as their motto states, that someday I will die. Vice Principal Nero certainly seems the sort to act in a way you described: busily practicing violin (of which, I have heard, he is a musical genius, and not, as you say, bad at it) so as to not notice the dastardly Count Olaf disguised as Coach Genghis, ready to spirit the orphans away in some dastardly scheme. Additionally, I enjoyed learning about the surviving Quagmire triplets, who, like the Baudelaire orphans, were orphaned due to a fire burning down their home, and how they assisted the Baudelaire's in foiling Olaf's scheme. Those poor children.

The story, however, could have done without mentioning Carmelita Spats. She is truly terrifying. My therapist, who, currently, is a computer program, as I have recently developed a fear of those educated beyond a Masters degree, has had to spend countless hours psychoanalyzing me to help me forget the dreadful beast of a child.

I found the book, unfortunate as the subject matter was, to be well written, and a very honest account of the trials and tribulation faced by our orphaned heroes.

Please, continue to impress me, assuming you are well and able to write more. Otherwise, I shall take comfort in the fact that I have secured all thirteen of your unfortunate tomes (and two dreadful holiday books), and am meanwhile scouring the bazaars for any other writings I may procure authored by you.

I was told, once, by a man who could stand perfectly still like a statue, but still hold a rousing conversation, that one who was interested in some fellow named Handler might enjoy (if truly enjoy you can these unfortunate works) the accounts of the Baudelaire orphans. I have not myself verified this, as most respectable bookstores that sell the works of Handler do not accept my guano-stained currency.

Respectfully yours. show less

I’m 5 books into this series and have yet to form a concrete opinion of it.

There’s quite a bit to like in a kid’s series that frequently wanders off onto dark and morbid rabbit trails, with 3 indomitable youngsters who see reality clearly, but refuse to give in to their hopeless circumstances.

There is also quite a bit that I am not crazy about, primarily the repetitive formulaic storylines. Shuffling about the people and locations, the adults range from friendly to hostile, but anyone not in cahoots with Olaf is clueless and dismissive of the children’s warnings, anyone kind enough to help the orphans risks mortal peril, and I completely expect Count Olaf to make a last minute escape approximately 7 more times before he is show more captured, or perhaps he will meet a dark and ironic end. I am also not overfond of the author’s propensity for stating the obvious. If he has to foreshadow (which he obviously does, because it’s a pretty constant feature) at least he makes it overly dramatic. I get that it’s his thing, but giving multiple *nudge, nudge; wink, wink* clues to the same event seems a bit much. Maybe the idea is for kids to know what’s coming so it’s not terribly scary or overwhelming when it happens?

I liked this book more than previous installments, because we learned just a little more about Count Olaf, and there’s the potential of unraveling more about his past and other despicable crimes he has perpetrated, which would provide a little variety to the story’s formula. I also did find myself chuckling out loud at more of the author’s asides in this book, so hopefully that bodes well for future books as well. show less

The Baudelaire orphans are dumped at a boarding school. Given that they are each very intelligent, inquisitive children, one might expect this book to be a refreshing change from their usually miserable lives. But alas, their teachers force them to memorize pointless things and the headmaster requires their attendance at his nightly six hour violin recitals. And then Count Olaf shows up!

The one glimmer of goodness in this soup of despair is that for the first time, the Baudelaires make friends.

In The Austere Academy, once again, the Baudelaire children are miserable. Mr Poe has apparently run out of potential family members, instead sending the children to Prufrock Preparatory - a boarding school. Considering Mr Poe explains how he's super jealous - I'm getting the feeling this was more about Mr Poe's childhood dreams than looking after the children. The children are concerned but Mr Poe assures them not to worry, Prufrock Prep has a super advanced computer that will stop Count Olaf from every getting in. How can a computer stop a person you ask? It's super advanced. Well then.

Apparently they should've invested in the super, super advanced model. Because who should appear?

Seriously you'll never guess. Count Olaf!

This show more time, he's in disguise as a world class gym teacher, complete with a turban (and seriously, has he been consorting, a word here that means plotting evil with other evildoers, with Quirrelmort?) and some high top running shoes.

But the school is supposed to be safe even if it looks like a graveyard and comes with a real uplifting motto - "Remember You Will Die". It only has punishments for tardiness to class (which will see your hands tied behind your back during meals), tardiness to mealtimes (which will leave you drinking without a cup) and entering the administrative building (which will leave you eating without utensils). Sunny is dismayed to find that she'll never have silverware - Vice Principal Nero, who believes himself to be a world class violinist (and is so very wrong), has hired her to be his secretary and she'll be required to enter the administrative building every day.

Then they're all dismayed when they find out where they get to stay. Their new home is the designated, Orphan Shack, complete with pinching crabs, bales of hay, some weird type of fungus that lives on the roof and drips and bright green walls with pink hearts.

But it's okay. It's not all bad because this time - they make friends! Friends with a history just as sad and terrible as their own. The Quagmire triplets - are also sad lonely orphans whose parents died in a fire and left them a large fortune. They have the Baudelaire's beat though - they lost their parents and their triplet, Quigley - leaving only Isadora and Duncan to carry on alone, forever being mistaken as twins. Duncan and Isadora, like the Baudelaire's have their own hobbies. Duncan wants to be a journalist and Isadora a poet. Both carry around reporter style notepads in order to record everything that is of importance for them.

Their new friends would never dream of letting them face Count Olaf on their own, so the whole gang pitches in to find out what his new plan is and how they can foil it. As you can probably guess, they don't succeed.

The plan this time is to make the children run endless laps at night for weeks until they're too tired to pay attention in this classes/job. When they start to fail and become the worst students in the school, Vice Principal Nero informs them that they'll be taking a test to see if they have learnt anything and will expel/fire them if they fail.

The Quagmire triplets believe one should know thy enemy and while the Baudelaire's have been occupied running laps, they spend time in the library scouring old newspapers for any information on Count Olaf and his gang. They mention that they find something out but with the clock ticking they brush it aside so as to come up with a plan to pass the tests.

They end up coming up with a plan for the Quagmire triplets to take their place running laps and for the Baudelaire's to study everything they need to know from the Quagmire triplet's reporter notepads.

But the Quagmire Triplets get caught up with helping and fall into Count Olaf's clutches themselves. I mean, it's not a terrible idea to abduct them. They also have a huge fortune. But they don't have the background with him yet so Count Olaf has a way better chance of getting his plan to succeed.

And so the Baudelaire's last see the Quagmire triplets being forced into a car before Count Olaf spirits them away. But they manage to tell the Baudelaire's one last thing - VFD.

Which means absolutely nothing to them and they have no idea where to start looking.

So the children are expelled, miserable and left with a mystery - what do the letters VFD stand for and why are they so important?

3 stars. show less

The series is in its early stride here, still following the formula Snicket set up so well but always introducing new characters, settings, and ridiculous costumes. In this book, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny are off to yet another location, hoping to escape the schemes of evil Count Olaf. Life at Prufrock Preparatory Boarding School is far from pleasant, as we've come to expect for the unfortunate Baudelaires. They are forced to live in the Orphans Shack by tyrannical Vice Principal Nero, and must contend with the crabs and fungus who already inhabit that location. Carmelita Spats inflicts her nasty torment on them. Nero forces them to listen to his horrid violin recitals. The only bright spot in their new hell is a friendship with the show more Quagmire triplets (of whom only two remain).

Yet even this friendship can't console them when Coach Genghis arrives. Ah, Olaf is back, with another ridiculous disguise that shouldn't fool anyone, but fools everyone, except the children. His usual persecutions begin anew, and the Baudelaires have to use all their ingenuity to thwart his plans. What they can't predict, though, is how he will respond to their new friends, the Quagmires.

I'm still loving every moment of this series. The morbid humor is outrageous, and Snicket's use of a sympathetic narrator full of forewarnings and forebodings is an ingenious touch to increase our pathos. The Baudelaire children are both clever and decent and we only want the best for them, which of course never happens, as the series is about the unfortunate events that happen to them, as self-proclaimed. The illustrations, too, are a perfect complement to the story. This book marks an interesting turning point in the series, as well, with the addition of the Quagmire triplets, who will change the formula of the books that has prevailed thus far. With them, the overall plot thickens, Olaf becomes even more nefarious and aggressive, and things will not be quite the same in the following books. show less