The Hostile Hospital

Summary:
On the run after being falsely accused of murder, the three Baudelaire orphans find themselves in the Heimlich Hospital, with the evil Count Olaf in close pursuit.

Excerpt/First Sentence(s):
There are two reasons why a writer would end a sentence with the word "stop" written entirely in capital letters STOP.

Publisher Description:
Dear Reader,

Before you throw this awful book to the ground and run as far away from it as possible, you should probably know why. This book is the only one which describes every last detail of the Baudelaire children's miserable stay at Heimlich Hospital, which makes it one of the most dreadful books in the world.

There are many pleasant things to read about, but this books contains none of them. Within its show more pages are such burdensome details as misleading newspaper headlines, unnecessary surgery, an intercom system, anesthesia, heart-shaped balloons, and some very startling news about such things.

I have sworn to research this story, and to write it down as best I can, so I should know that this book is something best left on the ground, where you undoubtedly found it.

With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket show less

Just one more, okay? Just one more, then I'll stop.

Hospitals are hostile, it's true. Invariably when you are in a hospital you are being poked and prodded and tested and measured and sometimes they even knock you unconscious and cut you open or slice bits of you off and when you wake up you are in terrible pain and they don't let you eat for days. So a hospital seems like exactly the sort of place you'd expect to find the Baudelaires, sneaking around behind balloons with smiley faces, listening to Olaf's voices over the intercom, sorting through anagrams with alphabet soup and being obliged to cut Violet's head off with a rusty knife in front of an eager audience. Oh, come on, now, you know perfectly well you'd be disappointed if it show more were any other way. Monster. show less

“As I'm sure you know, it is rarely a good idea to get into an automobile with somebody you haven't met before, particularly if that person believes in such nonsense as 'No news is good news.' But it is never a good idea to stand around a flat and empty landscape while the police are closing in to arrest you for a crime you have not committed.”

On the run from Count Olaf, the police, and everyone who reads the error-riddled Daily Punctilio, the Baudelaire Orphans hide out at the half-finished Heimlich Hospital. Just as they uncover a possible clue about the fire that destroyed their home and apparently killed both their parents, Olaf, Esme, and the rest of the reprehensible crew show up. Danger, quick thinking, and near misses are, show more of course, sure to follow.

“There are many things in this world I do not know. I do not know how butterflies get out of their cocoons without damaging their wings. I do not know why anyone would boil vegetables when roasting them is tastier. I do not know how to make olive oil, and I do not know why dogs bark before an earthquake, and I do not know why some people voluntarily choose to climb mountains where it is freezing and difficult t breathe, or live in the suburbs, where the coffee is watery and all the houses look alike.” show less

Alright, I am hereby aborting my mission to finish this series. Here is my reasoning:

1. Every book has the same exact formulaic plot.

2. Every book has versions of same exact characters doing the same exact things.

3. The person who recommended I read these is no longer in my life*.

4. After reading 7.5 out of 13 books, I still know next to nothing about the overarching mystery.

5. Too much teasing. Snicket has to realise that if you keep dangling the answer in front of the reader's face and snatching it away about twenty seven thousand times, it stops being witty or suspenseful and just gets irritating.

6. I already feel like I've wasted enough time on this series, and with a TBR pile (both physical and online) that is growing at an show more exponential rate, I'd rather focus what precious little reading time I have on books I'm actually interested in.

*This makes it sound like the person died or something- rest assured, they are still very much alive, they just became a raging asshole. Oh, well. show less

"Ah, the poor Baudelaires go from bad to worse. Their series of horrible guardians seems cushy compared to their current fugitive status. Snicket adds a nice twist in this installment, but I'm still frustrated by the otherwise-brilliant Baudelaire's inability to put the VFD pieces together. Still, I'm glad to see them learning from their previous misfortunes and taking their fate into their hands."

I must say, what a dreadful hospital! It's only fitting for the plight of our poor orphans.

Oh, I'm sorry, you caught me thinking out loud. As long you're not "certain people," and after you catch me thinking out loud, you don't put me in a holding cell filled with flesh-eating lemurs, then I suppose you're allowed to catching me thinking out loud every once in a while. Do you hear that? It sounds like a I hear a typewriter. Do you suppose somebody is transcribing us talking right now? I suppose it may just be the old pipes clattering about above us, or the machine gun shooting range above that.

Did you read The Hostile Hospital yet? It's Mr. Snicket's account of the poor Baudelaire orphans, who really haven't had a break since their show more parents died in that miserable fire. This time, after fleeing the Village of Fowl Devotees, still the accused murderers of Count Olaf, who was not actually dead at the time, they find their only refuge: the Heimlich Hospital, which was only half a hospital, as there was an unfinished wing in which those poor orphans waited out the night each night during their stay.

But every cloud has a silver lining, right? I mean, they did learn a valuable secret, but at the same time came upon an even more mysterious mystery to go along with the other mysteries they have encountered.

And that cloud's silver lining attracted the only creature that would be so greedy as to seek out the silver linings of clouds, Count Olaf. I was so terrified when he and his accomplices came to the hospital and made matters worse for the orphans.

I certainly hope that those orphans have found their rest. Or at least a lull in the terrible events that plague them.

You haven't read it yet? Well, I would definitely recommend you do, provided you have read the preceding seven tomes happening before this one. You will probably be disappointed, but it will not be because of Mr. Snicket's writing. But what is life without a little disappointment? I suppose it's "enjoyable," but that is beyond the point.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must figure out what that rattling noise is... show less

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