A Taxonomy of Barnacles

The Barnacles aren't sea creatures but a wealthy Manhattan family (originally Baranski): daughters Bell, Bridget, Beth, Belinda, Beryl and Benita; father Barry, current wife Bunny, ex-wife Bella; neighbor twins Blaine and Billy. Got that? Neither did I, even after 239 pages with these annoying, self-absorbed characters. The plot went nowhere and I finally decided life was too short to waste any more time on this book. Several Amazon reviewers were less patient, so I don't think I missed anything. Maybe I'm just jealous that the author went to Harvard and I was rejected (different years), but aargh.

In continuing to work through the massive amount of random used books that I impulse purchased at a church book sale, I came across this gem. And by gem, I mean tedious, pretentious, "aren't I edgy and ironic," hipster crapfest of a book that I almost didn't finish. I should have known better to trust a book that quotes Claire Danes' as a featured recommendation on the back cover, but the front cover was so pretty and it was hardback and super inexpensive so I ignored my better judgement. Regardless, it was a time-suck - or just a sucky way to waste my pre-baby precious time (11 days until the baby's due to drop - so many books, so little time).

The book centers around the six Barnacle sisters, all with unique-ish qualities and first show more names that begin with "B," who have been challenged by their eccentric, millionaire father to a competition that will determine which sister will be the sole heiress of his fortune. (Side note: pretty much ALL the characters have names that begin with "B" which, strangely enough, isn't the greatest way to help readers distinguish between the multitude of characters the novel follows over 300-odd pages). They have one week in which to establish their right to claim the family fortune as their own, and each sister seeks to prove herself worthy through various tactics - including winning talentshows, developing groundbreaking scientific theories, procreating or landing a favorable fiance. All of the characters were incredibly quirky, but, unfortunately, none of the characters were particularly endearing. In otherwords, I just didn't care which of these entitled, New York, richy-bitchy socialites won the contest - thereby rendering the entire plot null-and-void in terms of emotional involvement.

In the midst of this underwhelming plot, the author insists upon forcing Darwin's concepts of nature and nurture into every nook and cranny of the novel. The book is, in fact, divided into two parts - nature and nurture - and the chapters are named after traits that the Barnacle sisters have inherited or developed. There is much discussion of barnacles, finches, and Darwin's theory of evolution, but it feels like a pseudo-intellectual ploy that the Harvard-educated author has used to attempt to elevate her book beyond the realm of a cheap, contemporary, character-driven drama.

In closing: Did. Not. Like.

If this book were a person, it would wear plaid shirts, skinny jeans, an ironic mustache and it would drink PBR. In other words, it is trying way too hard to be hip, edgy and eccentric. Effin' hipster book. *pregnant lady grumble* show less

Barry Barnacle has issued a challenge to his offspring. In a move that reminds one of a Jane Austen novel, Barry has told his six daughters that since he has no son, whichever one of them can find a way to immortalize the family name will be named the sole heir to the family fortune. If there wasn’t already enough sibling rivalry between Bell, Bridget, Beth, Belinda, Beryl and Benita, this new mandate is sure to create havoc. Add to the mix their mother Bella’s (Barry’s ex-wife) adopted son, Latrell, and the Finch twins who live next door – Billy and Blaine – and the comedy of manners gets complicated quickly, taking the reader all over New York – from the family’s Fifth Avenue apartment to Coney Island and Yankee Stadium. show more

This eccentric family makes for an eccentric novel. There were parts that completely captivated me, but I also got confused with all the characters having names starting with a “B.” Some of the descriptions in the book completely charmed me, such as passages describing the Barnacle’s library, or Central Park in springtime. Some of the characters also charmed me. I liked Latrell and felt for him as he searched for his biological father; I also was amused by the Finch brothers’ many plans to propose. On the other hand, I was equally put off by a few of the characters. I especially disliked Barry and Bunny, and the action focused on the oldest and youngest sisters, leaving the middle siblings basically out of the story. The final few pages stretch credulity too far in my opinion. Still, on the whole, I was entertained. show less

Story of the Barnacle family, rich, living near Central Park in NYC, six daughters. Father Barnacle gives the girls a challenge: since he has no sons, whoever can figure out first a way to have the Barnancle name carried on in future generations will inherit everything. There is also a strange obsession with the twins next door, two young men who are from a "normal" family and, thus, are highly prized by the "not normal" Barnacles. I like quirky characters, but these crossed the line into bizarre, and I quickly lost interest in what happened to any of them.

Things I hated about this book:

1. Inconsistency: For example, at the start of the book both parents are said to have brown eyes, but later in the book a reference is made to the mother's blue eyes.
2. The youngest daughter was made to be a monster. I get it, she is supposed to be the unlikable one, but she is unbelievably awful. Emphasis on unbelievable.
3. Unnecessary plot twists: For example, one paternity issue is interesting, two is excessive. This is especially true when it comes out of nowhere, does nothing to move or thicken the plot, and is not mentioned again.
4. Choppy writing: For example, "[Barry] inched slowly out of the dining room, forcibly removing his daughters from his path... Bella moved quickly from her chair and took show more the seat next to Barry. She covered his hand with her own and nodded encouragingly." (p. 357-358). These location sentences are on either end of a paragraph that is about emotions, with no re-locating sentences in it to account for Barry's apparent return to the dining room.
5. All the resolutions came at once. In one night the contest is over, Latrell's father is revealed, and the relationships between Bell, Bridget, and the Finch brothers are decided. Too much at once, it felt rushed.

I liked this book until about two-thirds of the way through, when it fell apart. It felt like the author simply got tired of writing this story and so did everything she could to wrap it up. The result was not good. show less

You could read this, or you could just watch The Royal Tenenbaums and read Salinger's stories about the Glas family. Yes, it's just that derivative.

This book looked really interesting, but it made me want to throw it across the room. Just incredibly irritating.

Why? Well, for starters, every character in the book has a name starting with "B". Just because.