Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

I really wish I had read this book 20 years ago, or known about narcissism in general. Near the beginning of the book, there is a checklist of various narcissistic behaviors, and when I compared my mother to these, she checked off on ALL but one of them. o_O The list can actually be used for other narcissists, when you set aside the points that are mother-daughter specific, so this book can also help one recognize narcissism in other people than Mother Darling.

There are not enough words to describe the grief and rage at the way I was taken advantage of and manipulated by my narcissistic cunt of a mother, but this book, along with Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, were reads which helped to provide insight into my problems and constructive show more ways in which I could handle problems and manage situations with my mother as well as effectively distancing myself from her via gray rock.

Although the terms JADE, DARVO, and Gray Rock do not exist in this book, the author does describe strategies that involve Gray Rock, and how to not JADE, which will absolutely help you to defend yourself against a narcissist better. 4.5/5 stars. show less

I was raised by a mother who was possibly somewhat narcissistic (definitely neglectful) and I later became the resentful (and soon, permanently absent from home) teenager of a stepmother who was so extreme on the narcissism scale that she ticks all the buttons on the "is your mother a narcissist?" scale and most of the "sociopath" scale as well (that one's in a different book). The fact that the sociopath scale is in a different book hints that this book is not really for the person, like my sister, who spent 7 childhood years enduring a bizarre narcissistic hell that was never, ever spoken of until decades later. However, I'll ask her if she wants to read it.

This book was recommended to me, and I personally thought it was okay. It's broken down into three, digestible parts: what is narcissism and how does it manifest in the family? What can happen to the daughters of narcissistic mothers? Finally, how do you heal from a narcissistic mother? Throughout the book, McBride litters anecdotes from cases she has handled that illustrate the breadth of the topic, as well as grounding it so that readers can identify themselves and their families in them.

I think this book is an interesting starting point for narcissism. I just wish it went into more detail about how family dynamics are affected by a narcissistic parent. There wasn't any mention of a favorite or golden child versus a scapegoat. The show more child's temperament seemed to broken down into two absolutes: you're either an over-achiever or a self-saboteur. It didn't feel like there was a lot of nuance in how the child could develop with a narcissistic parent.

There was also very little on how the non-narcissistic parent might enable or soften the narcissistic behavior and what effect those reactions have on children. There was a line or two from McBride stating that what separates an over-achiever from a self-saboteur was whether or not someone loved and supported them, but this relationship isn't explored any deeper than that.

Finally, I think this book left out a lot about guilt that daughters feel towards narcissistic mothers. Sure, it's taboo to say you don't like your mother, and that is addressed in the book. What I thought was lacking was the discussion around the fact that the mother isn't always displaying her narcissistic side. People are complex, and even these kinds of mothers have their tender moments, so there can be a guilt wrapped up in being unhappy because daughters know their mother isn't always "like that", even while their emotional needs aren't being met.

Overall, I thought this was a decent start to the introduction of narcissism in parenting. Admittedly, I am still trying out the healing part at the end, so I can't speak to how helpful that technique is yet, but it was the section I had the least issue with, so I only glossed over it here. show less

It's hard to give an objective review of a book with such a personal subject matter, but I will say that I think it provided a good overview to of the topic, and that the author "gets it", that is, what it is like growing up with a mother who offers insufficient love, warmth and empathy. It got me thinking about things that had come up in my life but not in therapy, and led to several useful discussions that may have kick-started some healing processes. That said, it is not comprehensive enough to be a real-self help guide, unless one's mother only sort-of has narcissistic tendencies, but provides a solid basis either to begin the process of understanding your own life, or the life of a daughter you know.

I'm thankful for the book, and the focus being on the daughter's experience than whether or not the mother is actually narcissistic (with the explanation that because NPD is one end of the spectrum, narcissistic tendencies still impact the parenting style and focus).

I was able to appreciate that I am good enough, now and always. The book helped me to recognize it, even if I still have my doubts from time to time.

I read this book on the recommendation of a friend who wanted to show me how she had suffered due to her narcissistic mother.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get much out of the book, probably because though I felt emotionally ignored, not seen or understood by my own mother, evidently she was not narcissistic.

The author lists nine traits of a narcissistic personality, 1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance 2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, etc 3) believes that he or she is special 4) requires excessive admiration 5) has a sense of entitlement 6) takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends 7) lacks empathy 8) is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him/her 9) shows show more arrogance.

These traits are exhibited through behaviour that says “It’s all about me” and “You’re not good enough”.

The daughter of a narcissistic mother feels unloved - “If my own mother can’t love me, who can?”

Karyl McBride has identified six types of narcissistic mothers, which she calls “the six faces”.

These are 1) the flamboyant 2) the accomplishment-oriented 3) the psychosomatic 4) the addicted 5) the secretly mean and 8) the emotionally needy.

We are given innumerable case histories/examples of women who have suffered due to narcissistic mothers, so the reader gets a clear picture of the problems involved.

I didn’t get through the whole book since I didn’t find it relevant to myself. But I can see the final chapters are devoted to advising daughters of narcissistic mothers on how to recover. I don’t know, but these chapters may well prove helpful for the women under discussion. show less

What an incredible book. The author's clinical and personal experience with the phenomena of narcissism was so very helpful to me. The discussion was balanced and loving of both mothers and their daughters. I am 68 years old and have struggled with these issues all my life. Reading this book was a break through for me and has assisted in healing these wounds at long last. Thank you Dr. McBride