The Wholehearted Marriage: Fully Engaging Your Most Important Relationship

Another counseling book. Typical fare - twisting Scripture to match modern theories of psychology, where women and children are the heroes and men are dense and stupid and half-dead - a world where we all start out perfect and only life and our reactions corrupt us. It's head against heart and heart must win if we are to be whole. The style is trite and pop and hip and I'm glad it helps some people but I found it shallow and off-target. It also ignores the fact that there ARE non-Christians who already love their spouses. That fact seems to undermine much of what they say - and I say that as a Christian.

Everyone would agree that marriage is a matter of the heart.

Then why do marriages grow stale and fail? Once again, it is a matter of the heart.

In their book The Wholehearted Marriage, counselors Greg Smalley & Shawn Stoever pound home this one simple point: you can’t improve a marriage relationship without focusing on the heart. All the conflict resolution, financial planning, dating tips, & sex guides in the world will not help a marriage unless you have “two hearts fully open and engaged.” Consequently, the book guides the reader through steps to “understand, unclog, & unleash” the heart in marriage.

In the first part of the book the authors deal with understanding the heart and its central role in life & relationships. Their show more basic principle that a closed heart will not be able to love and engage in a relationship is important, and I think many marriages fail for precisely this reason. We’ve all seen marriages where two people pledged themselves to each other & to God, and yet ended up turning away. The underlying reason often comes down to one person closing their heart to the other.

From understanding the heart the authors move on to unclogging the heart. There are chapters on helping to heal the wounded heart, helping to open up the fearful heart, and helping the exhausted heart to gain strength. Their view of the heart is similar to that of popular author John Eldredge and some other psychologists. I find their views and advice to often be helpful but also theologically shallow. There are some real problems with the heart, especially concerning the sin nature, which are not adequately covered in this view. Like Eldredge, they also make mention of the Spirit directly revealing specific information to us, which likewise wades into some murky waters.

The final division of the book becomes more practical, with chapters on caring and speaking to your mate’s heart, as well the importance of laughter and enjoyment in the context of a relationship. These chapters are a helpful read, but are fairly standard relationship booster material.

Overall, I think their one simple point remains the great strength of the book: there’s no point in working on any issue in a marriage until you start working on the heart first. We all would do well to keep the heart at the heart of every marriage. show less

I've read ALOT of marriage and family books over the years - and I didn't at all expect this one to be as good as it is! I enjoyed that it didn't take the usual tack of being a "list of to-do's" of "how to be nicer to your spouse". It really went much more in depth to the relational and emotional side of marriage and challenged me to refresh my attitudes and change long-set reactionary patterns of behavior. After you've been married for a decade, it seems most marriages tend to function on "auto-pilot" and, while the familiarity is good, the marriage can sometimes seem like a warm-over casseroule. This book really challenged me to reinvigorate the vulnerablity and openness that comes in the early stages of a relationship - and restore show more some "spark" to my solid, but slightly boring 15 year old marriage. show less

A lot better of a book than I expected. I shamelessly request not only books that I think look interesting from the Early Reviewers program, but also books that I think look horrifying, books that I expect to disagree with (there is no better way to read "your enemies" then to get the book for free!), and this was one of those books....

However, I was pleasantly surprised. I was expecting a pithy, heterosexist, sexist tome, and it wasn't! The book had a lot of substance, and approached relationships in a way that jive with both my theological and psychological paradigms (theologically, viewing marriage not as a right and something purely to be enjoyed--and thus subsequently discarded when it isn't enjoyable, but rather as an opportunity show more for sanctification and growth; psycholically, therapeutically working towards new and deeper emotional experiences as opposed to making lists or "communicating better.")

The book was certainly more heterosexist than I'd like, but I was definitely pleasantly surprised with its gender parity.

Not bad. show less

As a minister and sometime marriage counselor, I have a bookshelf full of books about marriage, including several by Gary Smalley, the father of one of the authors of The Wholehearted Marriage. After a while, many of these popular-level books on making your marriage better end up sounding much the same. That is why I was pleasant surprised the more I read in Greg Smalley and Shawn Stoever's new book.

They write from a biblical perspective and support their conclusions with ample Scripture. Their emphasis on the importance of an open heart in any marriage relationship is exactly on target. The first chapter, titled "Heart 101" sets forth their thesis clearly and convincingly. Reading on through the chapters, one learns the importance of show more listening to "The Voice of the Heart," then gets practical advice on dealing with "The Wounded Heart," "The Fearful Heart," and "The Exhausted Heart." Part III (Chapters 6-8) turn the focus away from the reader to the reader's mate: "Caring for Your Mate's Heart," "Speaking to Your Mate's Heart," and "Celebrating With Your Mate's Heart." These chapters are filled with practical insights to help us open up our own hearts and encourage the same thing in our mates. The end result is that the heart valves are opening, allowing God's love to flow freely through us to our spouses. Every marriage is made better when such openness occurs.

The Wholehearted Marriage has definitely earned its place in the forefront of all the marriage books on my study's bookshelves. I am stingy about giving five stars, but in this case, they are justified. show less

This book seems to fit squarely inside the genre of "Christian Self Help". It is 50% fundamentalist Christian lingo, and 50% pop-psychology, heavily peppered with personal stories and examples to illustrate the authors' points. (Perhaps: pop-psychology in christian-ese). That isn't to say it is a bad book....it just isnt a very good book either. I am sure there are people who would benefit from reading this book...the kind of people who devour Christian self-help. It is very easy to read and seems pretty clear on the surface, with numerous examples and practical suggestions for marital improvement. However, for a book on marriage development, there are many that far surpass this; for books on Christian Living, there are many written show more more clearly and specifically on the topic; and for books that attempt to show Christian principles and how they relate to counseling issues, I would suggest others (the team of Cloud and Townsend rarely disappoint).

But, as I said, I am sure this book would be wonderful for some people out there. I picture nice Christian families, who rarely, if ever, question their beliefs, who tuck their shirts in or wear dresses (depending on their gender), who just need a Christian marital pick-me-up, would really enjoy this book. And there is nothing harmful in it, it is just pretty basic. It is nothing new, and other books probably get to the "heart" of the matter more efficiently. show less

Actually this book is better than its first couple chapters. It synthesizes a lot of relationship and marriage theories and puts them into easy to understand chunks. I think implementation is a bit harder, but that's the catch with all self-help books. For a more in-depth review visit: http://thedimlyseen.blogspot.com/2009/06/book-review-wholehearted-marriage.html