Finding Zach

This is an amazing story about the ability of the human spirit to endure the most horrendous situations - and come out, if not unblemished, whole enough to have another go at leading a fulfilled life.

It is not a book where I can simply say "I loved the book" and give a list of reasons. The truth is, I didn't love all of the book because the thought of a human being, Zach in this case, having to go through such suffering and torture is not something I can "love" reading about.

The reason I gave it 5 stars is that the message the book gives is one that I find impressive, as well as the way that the author gives us this message. Neither Zach, nor the man he loves and who loves him back with an unwavering strength, are perfect. Far from it. show more They have misunderstandings and need to learn how to trust each other like any other couple. Except they have to do it with the added obstacles of guilt and issues coming from their past and Zach's ordeal.

It was a joy to see their relationship change and grow despite all these problems and both partners' definitely being human beings - with all the faults and issues attached to that status.

A brilliant read, but one which requires a strong stomach. show less

Oh god, I wanted to love this book SO INCREDIBLY MUCH. And it definitely had some great moments in it, but I felt like those were overshadowed by the issues I had with the book. It's a solid three star read, but I was expecting it to be at least four, quite possibly five.

Zach was fifteen years old when he was abducted from an airport in Costa Rica; over the next five years, he was brutally raped and abused by a paramilitary "general" in the jungles of Venezuela. He was nicknamed the general's "little dog," and he was treated as such - kept in a cage, forced to wear a collar, and only allowed to communicate as a dog would (whimpering, whining, barking, growling, etc - no talking at all). When the US Army storms the camp, looking for show more another captive, they discover that Zach has managed to strangle his abuser with his own leash. Zach is obviously in bad shape - he's barely able to walk, considering that he was kept in the cage constantly, only being taken out to be "walked" once in a blue moon or to be raped, and he weighs only eighty-six pounds, even though he is 6'2". Now Zach has to reintegrate into society.

My first beef with the story was that we didn't get to see the two years between Zach's rescue in Venezuela and his reunion with "Taff" (whose real name is David, a childhood friend of Zach's whom he had had a crush on before he was abducted). We are introduced to Zach and his predicament in the first chapter; by the time the second chapter rolls around, we're two years out and Zach is living back with his parents in Colorado. I'll freely admit that I am a total angst whore, and I really wanted to see more of Zach's struggle to return to "normal." I really would have liked to see Zach in the hospital being reunited with David, and David being there to help him cope with the sudden overwhelming change in his life. But nope. David and Zach are reunited much later, after Zach has reacclimated, at least somewhat, to life. So that kind of squelched a lot of drama, and I really feel like I would have enjoyed the book more if the reader had been privy to more, well, angst.

As I said, I am an angst whore. ;)

There was some angst in the book; there would have to be, I think, with the subject matter and Zach's past. But the book was at least partially driven by the old romance tropes like stupid misunderstandings that would be solved if the characters actually TALKED to one another, which I just didn't like. There's so many ways to generate drama between the two characters; we really didn't need the stupid misunderstandings to move the plot forward at all, and they felt out of place in a story of this kind.

I also really disliked the character of Brian once we discovered that he was a reporter - oh, sorry, I mean journalist. Although Zach acted like Brian was sort of his friend, even inviting him to his graduation from MIT at the end of the book, I felt like Brian was more of an opportunist who was taking advantage of Zach and the situation. I know that the second "book" in the series is Brian's romance, and it's a novella, but I think I'll have a hard time reading it because I had such an intense dislike for Brian.

David also did some incredibly stupid stuff and said some incredibly stupid things. I sort of forgave him for this at the beginning - he didn't know a lot about what had happened to Zach while he was held captive, although I was surprised that he didn't guess, or at least have suspicions, until the evidence was pretty much thrown into his face - but he tended to be less sensitive towards Zach's emotional health than I liked. I honestly didn't feel that much for David as a character; although I was, of course, rooting for Zach to get his happy ending, I just didn't feel that spark with David. I did feel like Zach and David would have been good friends, and I liked the banter that they had, but I felt like they would have made better friends than lovers, to be honest.

Also, the therapy sessions were weird. Zach had them twice a day, seven days a week, which seemed intense, but whatever, he had a lot to deal with and a lot of problems. But EVERY SINGLE SESSION took place with Zach's parents present, and then Zach's parents got kind of pissy when he'd say or do things that they didn't want to hear about, like his sex life. And then they were always reprimanding him for not being polite enough. What the fuck. Your only child was held captive in a jungle for five years and you're reprimanding him because he cursed or he said that he fucked David? Not cool, and I was wondering why Zach didn't have any intensive PERSONAL therapy with just him and the therapist. Why did his parents have to be in on every freaking session? I can't imagine that he would be able to make a ton of progress in therapy when he was being forced to self-censor and self-edit at every moment.

All of that, I did enjoy the story, just not as much as I thought that I would. It left me feeling rather disappointed. :

Also, fun fact, David and Zach make a brief cameo in JP Barnaby's Spencer; Zach is the speaker at the trauma conference Aaron and Spencer attend in that book. show less

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4 Strong Stars -

Powerful. This book gives us a hard, deep look behind the effects of utterly inhuman treatment and how, for Zach Tyler, he even begins to find himself again.

Hatred, anger, torture, inhumanity, shame, a beaten and defeated spirit how can a human be whole again? Through love, tough love, friendship, devotion, sex, tenderness, honesty and patience. It's all in this one book, an amazing journey that may not be for everyone. I very much recommend this read, if you can stomach some of the graphic nature of the story. It is very worthwhile.

THE CHARACTERS

"I'm fucked up,..."

Zach Tyler - At 15, Zach is fresh, open, inquisitive and highly intelligent. Five years later, he is damaged, defective, and inhuman. When he begins show more acting angry, belligerent and caustic, it's an improvement.

He shuddered and he didn't know if it was fear, misery...or arousal. Shit.

David Evans - After losing his best friend David has to learn how to let go...again. David's genius lay in his stubborn, hard, yet gentle love.

THE WRITING

The fingers had turned gentle, not stopping him now, but holding him, connecting him with David like an extension cord to the heart.

Honestly, I wasn't struck or un-struck by the writing, which I think is saying something. The writing didn't get in the way of this strong story but it was compelling. It could easily have taken away from the depths of the story if the imagery had been too strong. I think the talented author knowingly drove the reader's imagination to fill in the horrifying blanks. I know I visited a few dark corners of my mind while reading this.

THE STORY

...but love -- that was asking more than he felt ready to give. It was commitment. It was eternity. It was prison...

Zach and David's story is deep and unique and whole and hard. The focus is on Zach's reemergence into humanity, but it's clear how his capture has affected so many others, particularly David. David tried to move on from Zach's kidnapping, but he remained "emotionally unavailable." David has nearly as much of a difficult struggle ahead of him as Zach, it's an engrossing part of the story. Zach's parents are almost too perfect in this story and yet I find myself hoping that I would respond the same way if a tragedy like this one ever crossed my path.

I've focused on the heavy, dark, emotional aspect of this story, but I should be clear there is a lot of love here. Good, sexy, enjoyable love.

"Jesus, Taff, you're like hot and cold running boyfriend," Zach complained. "I'm not surprised your lovers dumped you--I'm surprised they didn't murder you."

~~~

Take a look at my Male/Male Romance Book Blog:


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I find I'm having trouble writing the review for this book. I was floored by the roller-coaster it turned out to be, and all the pain that was on every page. At the same time, I am reluctant to give it five full stars, because I feel there were a couple of things missing. I missed that the character of David wasn't more developed. I never got a true sense of his pain of losing Zach to the kidnapping. He felt more like a tough basket ball, bouncing back. Rubbery.
Second, I felt Zach's character to be incoherent with the hell he had been through. Of course, everyone goes through traumatic events in different ways, and how we come out on the other side is anyone's guess. I just didn't feel he was the same character even on all pages of the show more book itself. Incoherent.

I thought it was all going to blow up in their faces in the end, and that would have been better, it would have made it a bit less of a given. As it were, it followed the same old, same old, love fixes all-formula. Real life, and real life PTSD very often does not. It would have been nice to get real, here.

This was not an easy book to read, and probably not easy to write. And write is something this author does well. I'd like to see more. This book could have done with one more crash-panic-bomb before the end, it was gearing up for it, setting the stage, having me tremble, and then let it go, making me feel much like when a proficient, but not fantastic, lover cannot seem to get it right; like missing the elusive g-spot of literature, as it were. (Or, being M/M-Romance, perhaps I should say p-spot?)
It kind of went a bit woooooof at the end, losing all the air, and me with it.

Still, well worth both the money I spent on it, and the four stars it gets back from me. Good language usage is worth a lot, to me, and this author clearly edits well.


***
I was NOT asked to read this book by anyone, I paid for it with my own money, as I do for all the books I read, all the music I listen to and the movies I watch. show less

Interesting premise but lost something in the execution. Zach is kidnapped and psychologically and physically tortured and degraded for 5 years, from age 15 - 20. On his return, his very rich family tries to stabilize and reintegrate him. The one person he really wants to meet again, but who freaks him out, is his first crush, David. Gradually Zach and DAvid reconnect. There were parts of the book that really didn't work for me but I read it from beginning to end, and it made me think, so that works, I just don't know how often I would reread it.

Finding Zach is for sure one of these novels that use angst to involve people in the story, but I have to say that it has also its moment of tenderness and sweetness: in the end, the romance part is so strong that outbalance the sadness.

At 15 years old Zach was in love with David, 18 years old and his best friend since they were kids. David’s parents worked for Zach’s ones, and so they were always together, David posing as guardian angel for the younger boy; and so, when teen Zach impulsively declared his love for David, everyone, from his parents, to David himself, thought he was too young and that he needs to grew and experience the world. They sent him for a summer vacation in Costa Rica and Zach was kidnapped and taken captive show more for 5 years, treated like a dog, leashed, collared and caged, and continuously raped by his captor. When he is rescued at 20 years old, he is broken and unable to return to his previous life, and so, when David asks to see him, Zach refuses, but not since he doesn’t love David, but since he fears to taint the memories he had of the young boy; the 20 years old Zach is no more the friendly and careless boy who was able to charm and overwhelm David, he is now bitter and scared of everything, and above all he is angry with the world.

On the other side, David has a sense of guilty big as an house; when Zach was kidnapped, David realized that he was in love with the boy, but as they both say after, probably if they were given the chance to live that teen love, they would have overgrown it. Instead their love was interrupted, and David felt as he had no closure; any relationship he had after that was a failure, since he was not able to forget the protectiveness he felt for Zach. When Zach comes back to them, he doesn’t need David, he is no more the young boy with the world in front of him and above all he seems to don’t consider David as his reference point. If David wants to go back in Zach’s life, he has to accept that the balance among them is changed: it’s not easy since David has always played the role of the lead in his relationship, and instead Zach now needs to be in control, to always have the freedom to come and go, and above all, to not feel constriction. Even in bed, David will have to give up the top position to Zach; they are lucky since, even if traumatized, or maybe right for that, Zach is a very careful bed partner, but in no way he can be the bottom.

A little warning to the reader: don’t feel discouraged from the first pages; at first the story is quite heavy angst, oppressive and apparently dark and without hope. This feeling will dissipate soon, and as I said, on the average there is more sweetness than angst; the relationship between Zach and David start almost as soon as they meet again, and even if it will be not an easy ride, it will be something they will do together.

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I am not even sure what to say besides this book is one of the most heart wrenching stories I have read in a very long time. All I can say is read this book.