William Ury

Negotiation is a crucial life skill. For some, it’s inherent to being a part of society, especially with expensive purchases or haggling in open markets. For others (like lawyers), it composes a part of their professional skillset. Either way, most people can stand to benefit from learning more about the art of negotiation. Many negotiation guides seek to maximize gains by taking strong positions. However, as these authors point out, this strategy can hurt long-term relationships by show more hurting the well-being of one party. Instead, they suggest building negotiation around a mutual appreciation of fairness. This leaves relationships and reputations in tact while getting a satisfying result.

The authors make a couple of assumptions. First, most people are most afraid of being “taken” in a negotiation. They do not necessarily want to maximize their result, but rather, they mostly do not want to lose the negotiation. Second, fair standards can anchor a negotiation by framing it objectively in a proper ballpark. Instead of taking positions, parties are encouraged to do research to look for a fair result. While this decreases the likelihood of “winning big,” it increases the likelihood of a mutually satisfying agreement. (Thus, it decreases the likelihood of a “bad” agreement.)

With these goals in mind, the authors reframe the language around negotiation to help readers achieve these results. Ample examples from a variety of settings exist within this work. They coach how to deal with trying situations, like power differentials, difficult people, and adversarial tactics. They focus on long-term benefits from reputation and win-win relationships instead of just winning one contest.

Those who value the social fabric will appreciate this book’s approach. It’s goal is to get to “yes” – that is, to get to an agreement instead of dramatically maximizing the windfall. Obviously, not everyone will agree with this style of negotiation, but it has many benefits. Most of all, it encourages fairness and politeness without turning it into passivity. It’s good training (and therapy) to think through dealing with difficult negotiation tactics ahead of time. This sets the stage for real-life encounters. After reading this book, I look back on several big, past negotiations that I could have handled better. At least I’ll be more prepared for the next one. show less

As Ury claims, this really is the complement to Getting to Yes. It's arguably more important because it focuses on something that most people find hard to do, and yet saying no is so critical to the success of any person or team. This book first explains how to think about the "no" situation and then how to go about it. It goes deeper than just laying out a bunch of tactics. At the core, you have to know what you're saying yes to that makes it necessary to reject some other action. What you show more say no to shapes what you actually do and then ultimately your brand and your future. This book is full of deep and important real-life scenarios ranging from Ghandi to hostage situations in America. It's a valuable and enjoyable read. Hat tip to my colleagues in Phoenix for the recommendation. show less

As someone who's all about focusing on the positive, the title of this book intrigued me. Isn't saying "No" sort of inherently negative? On the other hand, you obviously can't say yes to everything, or your results will turn negative in pretty short order.

William Ury skillfully untangles this paradox by showing us how to dig deeper into our motivations. When we say no reactively out of anger, we damage our relationships. When we say yes reactively out of guilt or fear, we damage our own show more interests and values. We should instead be proactive in protecting our own interests and values, which will allow us to say no when necessary in such a way as to preserve our relationships at the same time.

The book is neatly divided into three parts or "stages" of three chapters each. Stage one is on preparing your no, and here he gives several helpful tools for introspecting and figuring out what you really want so you can act accordingly, which isn't always as easy or straightforward as it might sound. Stage two is on delivering your no, and includes a lot of examples of actual language you can use to make your refusal both more effective and less off-putting (because these don't have to be positively correlative!). Stage three is on follow-through and offers strategies for sticking to your own interests and values and making sure your no means no even when they don't want to take no for an answer (as anyone with children is all too familiar with).

The three chapters within each stage are because of what Ury calls the two biggest mistakes people make when saying no, the first being starting with no, and the second being ending with it. Perhaps counterintuitively, to say no effectively it helps to begin and end with yes. So the first chapter in each stage deals with the deeper yes in which you root your no, your own positive interests and values; the second with the no itself; and the third with the proposal of a hopefully more mutually agreeable alternative.

This structure may look a little too neat at first glance, but it's actually very practical and effective. And while this might sound simple and easy, it isn't. But this book will help make saying no simpler, easier, and most importantly more effective than it otherwise would be.

A note on the audio edition: I was pleasantly surprised when I realized at the end that the narrator was the author. Usually it's all too obvious when this is the case, but while listening I had assumed it was being read by a professional, and a good one at that. So Ury is not only among the better authors I've read lately, but also among the best narrators I've listened to. I've not yet read his earlier books Getting to Yes and Getting Past No (and he says he regards this book as a sort of prequel to those), but I'll definitely be picking them up.

http://www.amazon.com/review/R24F8ERAW59MRS show less

Summary:
A book to help you develop an ability to stick up for yourself and say no to things that aren't going to work for you and your values. Also helps in developing dialogue as a means of resolving conflict.

Things I liked:

Addition of BATNA/Plan B. to the an overall objective of dialogue and collaboration. I found this a very nice addition to the framework presented in 'Crucial Conversations' (which I use a lot and rate highly)

Things I didn't like:

A lot of his examples seemed contrived show more because he doesn't identify the BATNA or really and negative experience that occurs or could occur. Situation crops up, person applies the yes/no/yes formula, situation magically resolves itself.

I think it would have been better to have fewer of these pithy examples and maybe a few more deep case studies. It would have helped me to apply the approach in my own context.


Lesson Learned

It's not my responsibility to solve the reactions (fear, anxiety, anger, sadness etc) of people when I deliver them my 'no' (grounded in my own values and things I care about). People will often move through a dynamic path when presented with a no and you can watch them move from fear, anger, bargaining, sadness and acceptance (don't get sucked into their journey if you don't need to).

Highlight

Have a BATNA that delivers your value before you try to dialogue. Even if you don't need it, it will improve your psychology to have it ready. show less