Rupert Holmes

Originally, it was understood that the strong would dominate the weak. “But in recent millennia, flying in the face of Darwinian precepts, we have evolved into a planet where the un-fittest not only survive but often flourish, holding sway over their betters in a social order where dim-witted, dim-watted (sic) employers all too often lord it over their considerably brighter subjects.”
“So if sensible people can kill themselves because life no longer seems worth living, then I suppose a show more sensible person might kill someone who makes other people’s lives unlivable, or who endangers the existence of others. It’s the ‘Could you assassinate Hitler clause.’”
Rupert Holmes provides the blueprint for resolving these issues in his witty MURDER YOUR EMPLOYER McMasters Guide to Homicide.
Dean Harbinger Harrow runs the McMasters Conservatory for the Applied Arts where students gain the ability to delete (never use the word “murder”) their tormentors. It is located on a wooded, secluded estate, complete with poison ivy-covered dormitories, classrooms, eating establishments, a church, and all the other necessities of a small, college town. It is beautifully illustrated on inside cover drawings. The exact location is unknown to the students who are brought there either after applying and being accepted or after being kidnaped.
All the students have either deleted someone, attempted to but failed to do so, or plan to do so. While many of the lessons are taught to all or most of them, they are able to focus on the specifics necessary for their individual situations.
There are four questions that the students must answer before being able to carry out their assignments.
1. Is this murder necessary?
2. Have you given your target every last chance to redeem themselves?
3. What innocent person might suffer by your actions?
4. Will this deletion improve the life of others?
The three primary students in MURDER YOUR EMPLOYER are “self-effacing Cliff Iverson, troubled Gemma Lindley, and Hollywood diva Doria Maye.”
Rupert Holmes, creator of television’s four-season “Remember WENN” and Tony winner for “The Mystery of Edwin Drood” has wonderful control over his words, sneaking in laughs where you least expect them. The story makes perfect sense in a wicked sense. show less

Framed as a how-to manual from the McMasters School, which helps people learn how to delete (they're not so crass as to say "murder") the one person in their life who the entire world would be better without, this tells the story of Cliff Iverson, Gemma Lindley, and Doria Maye, our case studies for how (or, perhaps, how not) to go about murdering one's employer successfully.

My mother doesn't read murder mysteries because she has a problem with making murder entertainment. In my mind, show more mysteries are more about the puzzle, and the real entertainment is seeing how they're solved. This book, however, makes murder the entertainment, full stop. The whole idea of a McMasters School is done in such a (darkly) humorous way, though, that the reader becomes complicit with the characters completing their "thesis" successfully. I found myself straddling the line between cringing at the whole idea and laughing along. And the ending, I have to say, was pitch-perfect. show less

The title page tells us that Rupert Holmes (yes, the "Pina Colada Song" singer/songwriter) is merely the editor of this book, which is actually "from the chronicles of Dean Harbinger Harrow, The McMasters Conservatory for the Applied Arts." The "arts" studied by McMasters students are those involved in murder, and this is the first volume in the dean's projected series, "The McMasters Guide to Homicide," offering tips and anecdotes for the would-be murderer (or, in McMasters jargon, show more "deletist") who cannot afford the school's rather pricy tuition.

The dean makes his agenda clear (and Holmes makes the tone of the novel equally clear) at the very beginning:

"So you've decided to commit a murder.

"Congratulations. Simply by purchasing this volume, you've already taken the all-important first step toward a successful homicide of which you can be proud, one that would gain you the admiration of your peers, were they ever to learn of it.

"This book will see to it that they don't."

Harrow tells us three stories of McMasters students whose "thesis" -- the murder for which their tutelage is meant to prepare them -- is the death of their employers. Given the need to avoid possible legal exposure for his alums, he has chosen a set of stories set about 70 years ago: An aerospace engineer has designed a new plane, and his employer plans to cut corners on its manufacture in a way that will surely lead to many deaths; a nurse is being blackmailed by her supervisor; an actress struggles to maintain her career when the studio boss won't give her any decent roles.

The three students are at McMasters at the same time, in the first half of the book, though their stories overlap only tangentially; they're entirely separate stories in the second half, when the three are sent back into the world to complete their theses.

The murder schemes are clever; the three villains are nasty enough, and the would-be killers likable enough, that we don't feel too awful about rooting for the murderers to succeed; and the early 50s setting gives the story something of a Golden Age aura while still allowing Holmes/Harrow to narrate in a more contemporary style, witty and winking without crossing the line into snark.

As noted above, Harrow presents this as the first in a planned series of McMasters volumes, and Holmes has created a world that allows for a wide range of follow-ups. New McMasters volumes could focus on different types of murders (there is a reference to "the oft-requested Murder Those Cruel to You in Adolescence"), be centered on a single murder instead of the three-part story found here, or be set in a wide variety of historical periods. And the final pages of the book do allow for the possibility of return visits to McMasters, while also suggesting that those visits might have to take very different form than these pages from Harrow's chronicles. Whatever form that might be, I eagerly await Holmes's next tale of the McMasters Conservatory. show less

Gotta say, I enjoyed the hell out of this book. Far more than I expected, for a couple of reasons...

The first is, the sardonic, smirking tone that Holmes uses throughout is usually something I don't enjoy, but Holmes struck the perfect balance between smartassery and clever turns of phrase that just kept endearing me more and more.

The second actually took me a long time to piece together. I kept reading that name...Rupert Holmes...Rupert Holmes...where do I know that name from? I was show more actually about three-quarters of the way through the novel before I remembered. He was the guy that wrote and sang this horrible song 44 years ago. Honestly, had I known this author and that singer were one and the same, I likely would have avoided the book.

Glad I didn't.

To me, this is sort of Harry Potter, only if Potter was an adult and instead of being taken off to a hidden school to learn magic, he's being taken off to a finishing school to learn the fine art of murder. Overall, it sort of sounds fun, but dumb, and it mostly is, but it's far more fun than anything.

Honestly, I enjoyed all of it. The overview, the diary entries, the three main characters, all of it.

I'll absolutely read another, should Holmes put one out. He's a far better novelist than he is songwriter. show less