Mason Deaver

Benjamin is in the last year of high school when they come out to their parents as non-binary and are thrown out of their house with only the clothes they wear. Not knowing what else to do, Ben calls their sister Hannah whom they have not met for years, and moves in with her and her husband. They transfer to a new school, where they meet Nathan, a popular and handsome boy. The two develop a close and complex friendship, but after their first coming out went so wrong, Ben does not dare to show more open up to Nathan - not about their gender identity, and not about the feelings they have.

This is a wonderful novel that drew me in because of the characters who felt totally real and authentic to me. Usually I don't prefer high school settings, but this one was well done and felt like a school with a positive atmosphere, so I enjoyed reading about it. I rooted for Ben and their personal story of growing confident and strong, and for Ben and Nathan as a couple. There are so many tender and touching scenes, and I could't stop reading. The only aspect I have to criticize is that some of the dialogue feels a bit artificial, especially towards the end. I still totally loved this novel, though. The author is non-binary, too, so that makes me confident that the book is a good representation of non-binary identities, and I am looking forward to reading more of their work. show less

me, the entire time: god i wanted to like this so much more

here's my issue: i think this book is important. i think it must exist. i am glad i read it, and i think it gave me insight on a topic that cisgender folks really need insight. its just that i didnt necessarily enjoy reading it.

i wanted to like ben so much, and i like the idea of ben. an artist, an anxious mess, a soft lil babe tryna grow his hair? absolutely love that for them. the issue was that i didnt feel them to be a real show more person. there was nothing else to them aside from art and their gender identity. they didnt have 1 (one) opinion throughout the entire thing. they weren't a supportive friend to their best friend, they were a bit of a nightmare to the guy who was trying very hard to be their friend, to their sister who was supporting them the absolute best she could, to her husband who had no reason to put up with their attitude issues but did anyway. and listen: i get it. they're TRAUMATIZED, very fucked up, anxiety is a bitch to deal with, its just all very hard for them. but they're not... very likeable. they have no conversation skills. they purposefully go out of their way to make things harder for themselves. they blow up at the wrong people. they're generally genuinely unpleasant when anyone tries to do anything nice for them, borderline ungrateful. its just a lot, man.

i AM empathetic, and considering its an own voices story, i hate coming in so hard for them, and i want this to be known: i would not be this critical of a real live human person who was going through this shit and reacting in this manner. because im not a piece of shit. but as a fictional character im reading about, i simply didnt enjoy it. i could not understand nathan's drive to be around them because ben just kept being unresponsive and refusing to engage. go pal, give us nothing.

the dialogue itself, as well as the narration, felt clunky and a little childish at times. at other times, it felt like a speech you'd give to someone who's not a queerphobe but is also a little lost -a bit confused, but with the right spirit. this may have been exacerbated by the fact that i was reading this one in between chunks of the raven boys and putting anyone's writing right next to maggies is just... unfair. but hey, that was my experience. it was upsetting getting to the end and realizing that there's more pizzazz and a louder chuckle in the author's bio than anywhere else in the book.

nathan, god bless him, love the guy, absolute babe. sophie and meleika are also made of sunshine. but i shouldnt like the side characters better than the main, i think?? like, why do they seem to have more of a personality than ben? mariam is also a case, similar to nathans, where i just kept wondering why they were friends with ben. they, over and over, kept sharing happy things with ben and trying to connect, and ben would, over and over, fail to even pretend to be interested. their entire relationship revolved around ben's issues and listen, im all for supporting your friends, but thats really very not healthy! and i have issues with this!

im also not... going to overstep the limits of the actual enby experience that the enby author has and has had, and i 100% support them -but i felt like, in the storytelling itself, at times they were redundant, and at times they didnt go as deep as they had to, in order to actually make an impact. for example, we know ben has some sort of body dysmorphia. cool! we need to talk about that! but also, lets not just mention it three times and never explain anything about it, because i still dont know what ben sees when they look in the mirror.and id like to! im just confused!

also, another thing where i dont really get a say: ive HEARD (heard, take this with a pinch of salt) that if you accidentally misgender someone, you shouldn't apologize when they correct you, because then they have to comfort you, etc. especially not while sobbing and apologizing over and and saying how much it breaks your heart that you did (despite the fact that you weren't aware). so why are we... letting them? again, not mad, not questioning the author, just genuinely confused. is this... good representation? SHOULD we be apologizing?

so im conflicted. i am VERY GLAD i read this. even if i was frustrated the entire time. im sure this was very needed representation for a lot of people and im SO happy that they're getting it and we really need to GET THIS GOING and get more of it, so ill never not support them. i just wish i liked it better from a narrative, storytelling standpoint, aside from appreciating it as social thing.

(read it, tho, because we need to understand. alright? this is important, this MATTERS past however much fun we may or may not have. people deserve a voice, and it's our responsability to hear them.) show less

I cried so much reading this. This book, more than anything, is sad. It hits you right in a deep place and makes the tears flow. And it's cathartic.

The plot was not what I was expecting. Based on the synopsis and Deaver's previous novel, I was expecting it to be more of a rom-com than anything else. Instead, it's an exploration of the grief one experiences when losing a loved one so close to them. But it's good. It's really, really good. Just make sure you have the tissue box ready.

TW: show more Suicidal thoughts, attempted self-harm show less

“What about my person?”
“Your person.” I like the way the words sound. On his lips and to my ears.
“My Ben.” Nathan leans in, kissing the top of my hand, and all at once my heart feels so full.

Putting this quote because the euphoria it gives me as a nonbinary person is through the roof. It’s as if my heart is full as well just from reading this quote.

This book had to get five stars from me purely because it holds a very special place in my heart. It’s been a least a year since show more I’ve read it now and it’s still one of the books that I will happily go back and reread and still feel the same happiness.

I have experienced so much transphobia in my life, including from family members who I believed would love and accept me so reading Ben’s journey and the people around them accepting them is very special and important to me.

The characters, the plot… so very beautiful down to every detail and every last page. show less