Melissa Hartwig Urban

A long book review forthcoming. If that isn't your cup of tea, just apply a personal boundary and say, 'not for me,' and move on. Boundaries, you see, work both ways: protecting intrusions into our personal space/time, but also to managing our own urges to step out into others' and perhaps involve ourselves in something that isn't to our benefit. The idea that a boundary isn't about controlling others is a key point, and I appreciate that Urban makes it early.

"Boundaries aren’t about show more controlling the other person, they’re about the limits you put in place around yourself to stay healthy and safe."

Many people think boundary work isn't for them, and yet most people will also state they are uncomfortable with conflict, and if there is one thing healthy boundaries are good at, it's awareness and opening discussion on those little oversteps and microaggressions. (For those who think they never have any conflict, I'd ask you to check in with your privilege--as one of my other books recently said, "maybe you're the dick among your friends").

"Boundaries are established to help you plan and communicate your response to what other people say or do. In a healthy boundary practice, you’ll notice how other people’s behavior impacts you, communicate your healthy limit in relation to that behavior, then consider what you are willing to do to enforce that limit."

Urban, for better or worse, is the creator of the [b:The Whole30: The 30-Day Guide to Total Health and Food Freedom|23453036|The Whole30 The 30-Day Guide to Total Health and Food Freedom|Melissa Urban|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1416873417l/23453036._SX50_.jpg|43014854] plan. She says this book was born partly out of helping herself and her clients comfortably say 'no' to dietary choices. Success there led to people asking for help with "their pushy co-worker, toxic mother-in-law, and nosy neighbor." She notes that her own upbringing ill-prepared her for setting healthy boundaries, and that learning how to set them saved her from a life, perhaps literally, as she was addicted to alcohol and drugs.

It's an interesting book, blending personal experience, psychology, and advice. It's broken into three parts, 'Boundary Beginnings,' 'Practice,' and 'Benefits.' 'Practice' is by far the largest section and reads somewhat like an advice column. The 'Practice' is broken up into eight relationship categories: parents/in-laws, friends/neighbors, workplace, co-parents, romantic partners, food/alcohol, triggers, and yourself. I appreciate her including setting boundaries with ourselves as part of healthy behavior.

"But through the lens of boundaries, it’s obvious how my desire to numb and run away, and the lack of any healthy limits to protect my physical and mental health, turned into a full-blown drug addiction."

She suggests thinking about applying boundaries in three steps: green, yellow, and red, following our less-than delightful need for thought simplification. 'Green' ones are gentle ways we may try to redirect people, or state our needs. One of insights Urban brings is that boundaries are actually done with compassion: it is not unkind to tell someone (or yourself) 'no,' if it is in service of a higher good. And it can be done nicely, without being mean (those of you in the midwest can breathe easier). This, I think, is a telling example of how many of us have boundaries that we don't like enforcing when she discusses how 'soft' reactions are really bad attempts at making a boundary:

"Squishy boundary: eye roll, deep sigh, ignoring the question, or making a joke about it. Clear boundary: “I’d rather not talk about our bodies or weight today, thanks.”

Downsides are that the green, yellow, and red light system are somewhat simplistic, particularly in examples, and she doesn't show how altering the situation slightly or your own goals might change the framing of the response. I do appreciate that she notes:

"Finally, a dynamic I must recognize and state from the outset: Setting a boundary is an expression of power and a privilege. Without that privilege, you’re likely more fearful of setting a boundary and the truth is, others are less likely to respect it. (That’s how systems of oppression work.)"

Still, boundary work is useful, because it helps a person think through what might be triggering or impacting them, and how a conversational check might alleviate the situation.

There are certainly oversimplifications here, but I appreciate the supportive approach that speaks to the need for people to identify and speak their boundaries without controlling others. The use of many examples can be helpful, but can also be overwhelming if you try to read in one chunk, so this was a book I picked up off and on. Besides, I wanted the message to settle into my brain. I periodically revisit it, as I find that I have a need to enforce some boundaries and my old squishy-patterns were ineffective ways of communication. I highly recommend this to anyone who routinely cares about the happiness of people around them.

"I was so focused on making sure everyone else was comfortable that I stopped asking myself, “What do I need in this moment?” show less

More of a diet book than a cookbook...and that is not a bad thing.
Full admission, this was an impulse buy. I found this book on the clearance shelf at the local used book store for a fantastic price and snatched it up.
What I found was as I stated above, The Whole 30...is a diet book that contains recipes that fall in line with the regulations of the diet itself.
While the diet is not something that I am interested in at all, there are some recipes in here that are downright excellent! The show more contents related to actual food cover the gamut from shopping lists, meal-plans, to tips when traveling and meal layouts. The food subjects range from eggs, the different types of meats, sides, dressings, sauces and even drinks.
Recommended sure to those who want to do the Whole 30 diet, but while there are some real great tasting recipes in here, I don't feel it would be worth the full price of the book itself unless you find it cheap as heck like I did. Three stars. show less

I won this from a goodreads giveaway I entered, and if you earn at least six figures, you might like these recipes. Some of the ingredients you will need for a few of the recipes are coconut aminos, red boat fish sauce, bison meat, most of the recipes have a lot of ingredients, so this isn't for someone who occasionally cooks. All the pictures look great, they really make you want to try the recipes. If you believe in these fad diets/lifestyle plans/bull****, I guess pick this up, if you are show more a normal person this isn't for you. show less

Great summary of the whole30 nethod. Makes a great reference while on the diet and even provides some great recipes and a sample meal plan