Jessica Clare

What happens if you mix Harry Potter with Reylo fanfic (especially my beloved The Love Hypothesis)? This book happens, that’s what. And it’s so good… Grumpy-sunshine at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.

There’s some of everything; casting spells, turning people into cats, necklaces made of dried chicken legs, you name it. There’s also an incredibly hot (and obvs dark and brooding) warlock and a clueless, sweet girl who is thrown into the world of magic. And boy do these two click

Ugh. If I had known this book was going to be about Griffin and MAYLEE I would have taken a pass. This is what I get for not reading the descriptions of series books.

But seriously.

PREPARE FOR CAPS.

1 - Gretchen, when did you become such an asshole? It must have been sometime between book two and now, because I don't think the Gretchen in book two would have maliciously thrown poor Maylee to the proverbial wolves like that. Sending her into a situation where she knew that Griffin and show more everyone else that she was going to meet at a ROYAL WEDDING were going to treat her like an idiot was not cool.

2 - And Hunter, you're not getting off the hook. Apparently you are a total limp rag when it comes to your newly bitchy girlfriend. Why would you intentionally put one of your CLOSEST and ONLY friends in such an uncomfortable situation where you knew he needed someone reliable and instead LIED to him and gave him someone you knew would bumble around and mess things up?

But let's move on to the actual star assholes of this book.

3 - Griffin, who has proved he has a stick up his ass, still did not deserve the treatment that he received from his "friend". BUT he also showed poor lack of judgement in letting an (inexplicable) stiffy and good tie tying skills woo him over to not kicking Maylee out immediately. Like, what in the hell was with his reaction to her? Nothing that's what. Pure, plot forced nothing.

4 - Dear god, Maylee. She is the biggest stereotype I've ever read (maybe), but who in the hell gets on a plane, has two alcoholic beverages AND THEN takes pills that say DO NOT TAKE WITH ALCOHOL YOU DUMBASS on it? TSTL people from the backwoods apparently. I wanted to like her but she was just so annoying to read, and I felt bad for the situation that she had been put in. Just so ICK.

So yeah, if I could sum up my brief experience with this book in a word, it would be AWFUL. I really was going to try to choke through it since it IS Jill Myles after all, but then I accidentally deleted it from my nook. Totally accidental, but I think my subconscious was controlling my movements at the time, because I do not regret it, and I am not putting it back on there.

Calling this one as DOA and moving on. show less

I'm about to type the six words that I almost never say: I. Could. Have. Written. It. Better.I've read a lot of crap books, but I don't think I've ever used these words in a review before. Maybe because I've never, ever had such a strong compulsion to literally pick up a book and start rewriting it.The thing is, the idea is FANTASTIC (By fantastic I mean sexy as hell and full of schmexing possibilities) and yet, it's such a let down. I can almost imagine some editor person sitting Jill Myles show more down and their conversation would go something like this:Editor: Jill, you have to write this idea! It's fantastic! You'll be a rich and famous author!Jill Myles: Fantastic! I'm getting right on this! Nothing is going to hold me back! I shall spread my little typing wings and soar!Editor: Before you go, I should warn you - the only way you'll fail is if you make the female protagonist so agonizingly stupid that your readers will ache to bore a rusty screwdriver through their skull to make a hole through which they can pour bleach.Jill Myles: *Too busy imagining swimming through a pool of money to listen* Annoying, stupid protagonist...sure... whatever...bye!IF ONLY SHE'D LISTENED!Okay, so the story starts out with fat, frumpy, Museum Docant, Jackie waking up in a dumpster. She's had a helluva one night stand and upon disentangling herself with what can only be assumed as a traumatized dumpters, she runs into the very man she'd had wild, passionate sex with, Noah.She is then told that she had literally been a dead lay (bwhahahaha!) and that because she was bitten by a vampire, and had slept with a fallen angel, she would now be a succubus.Calling him a crazy loon shortly after drooling over his shoulder length blond hair, toned abs and GINORMOUS Johnson, she stalks out. By the next morning she's lost a ton of weight, become beautiful and grown an incredible pair of bossoms. It's at about this time, I deduce, that the energy going into creating the Tits of Glory caused her brain to shrink, whither and die away.She immediately sets out to find Noah for explanations, has sex with him in a church and departs with his darling Succubus friend, Remy. One of the first things they tell her is not to meet up with any vampires (in case one of them is her master), don't make any deals with Angels and avoid fallen angels as well.So naturally she runs off within five minutes and makes a deal with the first angel she meets and wonders why everyone doesn't think this is the biggest stroke of genius since Thomas Edison invented a Ghost Busting machine. So AGAINST the EXPRESS orders of her Master Fallen Angel, she and the other "Suck" head off to super sleuth the vampires and find out what they're up to so that Jackie can be free.Now, let me give you a frame of reference for how bad their sleuthing is. In 1960 French diplomat, Bernard Bouriscot went to China. The Chinese, not being completely stupid, assigned a spy to him. He began a relationship with Shi Pei Pu who he divulged every single state secret to as soon as he could. Just before he was about to leave the country, Shi Pei Pu who recognized how incredibly gullible and useful he was for her career, informed him that she was pregnant. Four years later he returned to greet his child and lived with Shi Pei Pu and his "son" for the next sixteen or so years.Now, I know that doesn't sound precisely riveting or spy like, after all, it's only twenty odd years of living a lie as a spy, gathering all the secret documents you like from a man who is just incredibly unobservant. Well, that's until you learn that Shi Pei Pu was really a man. Yes. A man. Bouriscot did not discover this until he took his happy family back to his homeland of France where he was immediately told something along the lines of, "Dude... that chic's a dude..."Go ahead. Wiki that shit. It's all true!So whilst I'm not holding Jackie & Co up to Shi Pei Pu's remarkable standard (No doubt his twenty year reign of Employee Spy of the Month was unchallenged and well deserved) I was kind of expecting a better plan than: walk into a club full of vampires, completely unprotected and get busted so quickly as spies that they were barely in the doors before one of the halfwits mumbled, "Der... do you think this is such a good idea?"But it's okay for Jackie because she is not at all alone in the stupidity stakes. She has a contender in the form of the Vampire Queen who immediately reveals her ENTIRE plan to Jackie and insists that Jackie now needs to go find the mysterious relic that the Queen is seeking.Sure. You've had your entire vampire crew searching for this one historical item for HOW LONG NOW? And you think some twit whose idea of a clever plan is "On the cound of three... Go!" will do better? Clearly SOMEONE has never read Peter's Evil Overlord ListOh, and the relic that Jackie has to retrieve, actually BELONGS to the Vampire Queen and is in exactly the last place the Queen left it, by the way. And the Queen even shows up at a convenient time to provide Jackie with instructions on how to retrieve it.SUUUUUUuuuuuuuurrrrrreeee...I can totally see how this woman has ruled for over four millenia. She's a criminal mastermind, that one!Now this seemed to be part of the book where Jackie, whose dream it is to be an archeaologist, should have really shined. She's going to an achealogical site, IN EGYPT, and doing all kinds of history shit. Clearly, this would be right up her alley. Yet Jackie approaches it will all the finesse of a college bimbo coaxing a free bear out of a fratboy at a party. She knows nothing about anything and any hopes I had of reading a story about a mature, intelligent twenty-six year old woman swiftly blew out the window.I could go on. Really. I could complain all day. From the "mystery" involving her vampire master to the fact that an archaelogist who supposedly has several degrees is so ridiculously incompetent in every single area of life, including intellectual pursuits that I want to barf, to the fact that she somehow demands that she shouldn't HAVE to pick between two lovers, and that it's really the mature thing for them to both get over expecting any kind of monogamy out of someone they, unfathomly, honestly care about. How about Jackie's unexplainable anger toward Remy for being a Porn star? Why? Why does she feel betrayed that the woman she just met, who is a succubus, is a porn star? I put this challenge out. Using every single plot point (Ie, Jackie goes here, Jackie meets this person, Jackie does this... etc) and the main themes, theory and concept behind this book, I could have done so much better. Except for the sex scenes - those were the only reason I finished reading this book because... *fans self* okay, they were hot. So if you're going to read, check your brain out at the door and just enjoy the smutfest that dances past, scantily clad and overly bussomed. That's about all this book has to offer.**BTW at their final size, Jackie's boobs are measured as 34DD. This is apparently huge and has every man in the vicinity writing love Haiku's to her Tits of Glory. I'm sorry, but I actually HAVE 34DD and a hot ass body - yet no men have ever flocked around my breasts like mosquitos to a bug zapper! Fail!***Okay, I can now no longer complain that no poems have ever been written about my breasts. Manny has kindly posted his brilliant sonnet to my "girls" here! Enjoy! show less

2.5 stars

Thank you to Shanelle for the recommendation!

Started off really good with a rock and hard place heroine and dark, cold, mysterious, but standing up for her hero. Has a historical feel with setting and clothing but dialogue is modern. The world building was shaky at times and there were little contradictory things (hero has short cropped hair and then hair reaches his collar and bangs in the face) throughout. Heroine grew to be TSTL with her decision making and forced lack of seeing show more a character for who he really was, eye-rolling. This is first person from the heroine and I again missed any insight from the hero.
Something interesting here but felt a raw and unrefined. show less