Doogie Horner

Nobody wants to spend their afterlife telling other spirits 'How did I die? Well, the earth's temperature climbed half a degree every year for twenty years, which doesn't seem like much, but that increase significantly increased the amount of algae in the oceans, which upset the foodchain and blabbity-blab blab boring scientific stuff.' The biggest reason to fight global warming is so we can obliterate ourselves in a flashier way, like by creating a minature black hole or zombie plague.

Figure 1: Why aren't We Watching Beauty Pageants?

A Not enough nudity 13%
B Jealous 25%
C Don't Like Beauty 2%
D Too busy working three jobs and raising five children alone since our husband left...because we weren't pretty enough 8%
E Shark Week 20%
F Don't like the 'Interview' part 30%
G Busy writing our doctoral thesis on women's studies 10%

Zeppelins are massive, majestic flying machines, but they are also notoriously fragile: Strong winds cause considerable difficulties for zeppelins, landing is dangerous even in perfect weather and requires a large ground crew, and of course early zeppelins were filled with highly flammable hydrogen gas. Some zeppelins were known to burst into flames if a passenger ordered their Bloody Mary with extra tabasco, or said a word that sounded similar to 'fire.' During a routine flight to Switzerland, a young zeppelin intentionally smashed itself against a mountain peak because it was going through a difficult breakup.