Chris Kluwe

I know next to nothing about football except that it involves a funny oblong-shaped brown ball, men running on a field, and apparently it makes otherwise intelligent people do pretty stupid things, like marathon binge eat buffalo wings until they pass out.

Like many others, I first heard about Chris Kluwe in the now infamous online letter where he took on Maryland Del. Emmett Burns (who is sadly, from my state, tho not from my district) and his admonishment to Ravens player Brendon show more Ayanbadejo. I, like the rest of the internet, gleefully read the letter and cheered on Kluwe's amazing wit and skillful use of profanity in defense of Truth, Justice, and the American Way.

And then I forgot about him, filing his name alongside Ayanbadejo's in the recesses of my mind. I was reminded of him when Kluwe took over John Scalzi's Whatever blog for a day to tout his new book.

SOLD.

I bought it that very day. So Chris, if you're reading this, you owe John a huge number of beers for the large contingent of book sales he got for you from your fellow geeks who don't follow sports.

This was a fast and very enjoyable read. I readily admit that I didn't always follow the football allusions but the writing was so engaging I still enjoyed those bits anyway. It also gave me a new perspective inside the mind of a pro football player.

And the non-football related essays, I swear I could have written them. During one particular one, I remember thinking, "Is this guy in my head or something???"

Fun, thoughtful, thought-provoking, and eloquent collection of essays. Recommended. show less

Apparently the author of this book is quite famous, not for his writing but for his football playing. Not having watched an NFL game I would never have known about Chris Kluwe if it wasn't for the Big Idea piece he did for John Scalzi's blog earlier this year. The idea of the future when the ocean levels have risen so that Miami only exists as a bunch of towers surrounded by water tweaked my interest but it was his explanation about his main character that convinced me to read it. You'll see show more what I mean when I explain the plot.

Ashley Akachi is mixed black and Asian and the future is no kinder to people of colour, especially women of colour, than the present is. Ashley cobbles together a living by doing odd jobs and playing a virtual reality game that rewards good players. Ashley and her team are one of the best in the game which requires a combination physical prowess, intelligence, team work and determination to master. Ashley has a younger brother but her father is dead and her mother is a veteran who suffers from severe PTSD. Ashley uses almost all of her winnings to pay for her mother's treatment at a private facility. When one of her team doesn't respond to messages before a major contest in the game Ashley convinces her brother to play on her team. The team wins the encounter but only through brilliant work by Ash. Since her mother's treatment is very expensive Ash agrees to do a covert job on a container ship in Miami's port. Her discovery on board that her missing team mate has been brainwashed by a special game helmet turns her world on end. If these helmets get into wider circulation it will give the creator an unstoppable army and cause complete collapse of the fragile system that allows human kind to exist. Even though that existence is far from ideal the alternative is worse and only Ashley and her team can prevent the looming chaos.

I have never really gamed but I can understand the allure of taking part in a virtual reality that can give people a way to escape a reality that is pretty awful. Kluwe describes that reality vividly and he shows how the reality could mold a character like Ash. What is even more impressive is how a white male can create a coloured female that is frighteningly believable. Hope to see lots more from this author. show less

From my Cannonball Read 5 Review...

I was not aware of Mr. Kluwe (punter, formerly of the Minnesota Vikings, currently of the Oakland Raiders) until he wrote his now famous letter, posted on Deadspin, ripping a Maryland elected official a new one for suggesting that football players should not be able to speak out in favor of civil rights. show more (http://deadspin.com/5941348/they-wont-magically-turn-you-into-a-lustful-cockmonster-chris-kluwe-explains-gay-marriage-to-the-politician-who-is-offended-by-an-nfl-player-supporting-it). In fact, an attempt to replace the vulgarity in that letter (lustful cockmonster) resulted in the title of the book (Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies).

The book is not a memoir; it is a collection of essays – some previously printed, some new for the book. It’s Mr. Kluwe’s way of sharing his thoughts about life. Some chapters focus on football (though not all, nor even most); most focus on his ideas about how we can improve society. He suggests that the things he values most in life are empathy, justice and truth, and spends time discussing his support for equal rights for gay and lesbian people.

I really wanted to like this book. Like, kind of desperately. I follow Mr. Kluwe on Twitter (@ChrisWarcraft), and have enjoyed his 140-character comments. I also fully agree that just because someone is in a position such as he is (celebrity, well-known football player, generally famous person) they don’t forfeit their rights to have an opinion. He seems to be a progressive libertarian, although I’m not sure he’d agree with that, because from reading the book (especially the entertaining chapter ‘Who is John Galt”) I get the idea that he is not a big fan of libertarians. However, possibly accidentally, much of what he says shows a distinct lack of empathy in areas, and a few of his statements read like they came right out of the straight white libertarian bro guidebook.

Perhaps I’m judging him unfairly; I had admittedly high expectations, and since he has cleared the bar of basic human decency of recognizing that gay and lesbian people are, you know, people, I think I was looking for him to hold similarly progressive views in other areas. Perhaps he does, but doesn’t realize how his words come across. Let me share some examples (jotted down into Evernote when I was listening to the book, so I won’t have exact quotes):

- The way he characterizes welfare came across as at least partially buying in to the bullshit ‘welfare queen’ concept. Mr. Kluwe seems to fully recognize that people do need help from others (see the aforementioned John Galt essay), but his words suggest that there’s a short window there, and that if someone is on it longer than his pre-determined length of time, then they are just milking the system. Eh. Really? That’s not a nuanced view.
- One section gave me the impression that he thinks unions are bad, and that union workers are lazy people who have no incentive to work hard. That was definitely off-putting and disappointing.
- He made a prison rape joke (of the ‘don’t drop the soap’ variety). Really? That’s empathy?
- He’s super self-righteous when it comes to atheism. He appeared to willfully misinterpret the definition so that he could claim that he’s morally superior because he calls himself ‘agnostic.’ I’d like to point out to Mr. Kluwe that the majority of atheists out there would certainly believe in god if there were actual evidence; their stance is that CURRENT evidence is insufficient. They aren’t claiming to know definitively that there is not a god, so the argument that they are just as irrational as religious people is not only super old, but super incorrect.
- His go-to voice (I got the audio-book) when he wants the person speaking to sound unintelligent is a southern accent. That’s regionalist and not cool.
- Finally, he REALLY dropped the ball in understanding domestic violence. He essentially assumes people stay in those situations because they think things will get better, and they are just liars lying to themselves. Read up on domestic violence. Learn about it. DO NOT call the survivors who stay ‘liars.’ That’s insulting and shows an utter lack of the real issues around being able to leave. For example, one might certainly know things aren’t going to get better, but fear the whole BEING KILLED BY THEIR PARTNER WHEN THEY LEAVE thing. Not empathetic.

I can’t recommend the book. It’s fine, there are definitely some really good parts, and as I said, the writing is not bad. show less

I was fortunate enough to get the chance to hear Chris Kluwe speak at a local community college last month and this book is like the written version of his talk that night. He was asked about everything from football to politics to video games to music that “little old ladies” would like to the nature of dualism to curing depression. He fielded (!) all of those questions masterfully – so when he mentioned he had a book coming out – I knew I had to get it.

“Beautifully Unique show more Sparkleponies” is a fascinating, rambling, incredibly smart read. I first heard Chris Kluwe’s name in reference to the marriage equality debate (one of my hot button issues) – and when I read his letter to Emmett C. Burns Jr. Many people responded more to some of the words Kluwe used than the overarching point of his letter, and Kluwe addresses that in this book. “The swearing is there for a reason. What Emmett C. Burns Jr. wrote, what I responded to, was far more disgusting and foul-minded than any simple scatological reference or genital mash-up. His words degraded the very essence of the English language with their barely hidden venom and intolerant hate; drag it screaming into the muck of iniquity by wrapping a mantle of seeming reasonableness around corruption and control; masquerade as discourse while screaming their very lies to any heaven to any heaven you care to name – I could go on. My words? My words are a litmus test for those who would see the truth of a message rather than the package it’s delivered in.”

Chris Kluwe is crazy smart. He is creative, articulate, thinks fast on his feet and has a core of beliefs that shine through everything he says.

He also writes beautifully. In the section entitled “The Rush” – his description of the process and experience of his day job – is very evocative, reading almost like poetry. “…as my left foot locks into the ground and all the muscles on my right lower side contract and then explode up through an expelled grunt of air, left arm fully outstretched to the sky, eyes never leaving the gold Wilson engraved on the side, though they’re not quick enough to actually see the moment of impact, and now I’m following through and time returns to normal again, an eternity of 1.2 seconds later.”

And when he talks about the sensation of reading a great book – it’s like he was pulling those thoughts and feelings straight from my own head. “The pure luxuriousness of reading a book in comfort is one of the greatest sensations in the world (sex is better, but only by a little bit). Curling up on an engulfing couch as snow drifts down outside, toes hidden beneath warm blankets; lying sideways on a cushioned chaise while cool sea breezes gently stir the sunny afternoon air; hiding under the covers with a flashlight while rain beats down outside, all of these anchored by a collection of thoughts and ideas bound together, alone in whatever world the author created. Such hedonistic delight in contemplation of the immaterial, the intangible. File under Satisfaction with Universe.”

I think the section that had the greatest impact on me (because this is another of my hot button issues) is “Bang Bang” – the essay he wrote on the day of Newtown. As a person, as a mother, that day was horrific for me. I couldn’t stop crying for those children, for those parents…and for the certainty that even though these were schoolchildren that were murdered, the NRA would not allow one single solitary thing to change in our country – and if they possibly could – they would make things even worse so that they could sell more guns and ensure more people would die. Kluwe, however, expresses his feelings of that day in bold and with many caps. He is angry, rightly so, as he maps out exactly what the gun fanatics would think and do after one of the darkest days in our country’s history. His letter to those who worship guns over human life is one of the most powerful I’ve ever read.

“Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies” is a book that made me think and laugh and learn. I loved reading it and I look forward to more books (and letters!) from Chris Kluwe. show less