Emily Nagoski

Had I not already read Come As You Are and listened to the authors' (great) interview at Smart Bitches, Trashy Podcast, I probably would have found some of the material in Burnout helpful. Distinguishing between dealing with stressors and dealing with the STRESS strikes me as really important, as does understanding a wider range of stress responses than fight/flight.

But I think the stress and trauma chapter in Come As You Are does it better in fewer pages.

I struggle with all of Emily show more Nagoski's work because I find the ideas compassionate and helpful, but I also find the insistent emphasis on helping women, specifically, both personally alienating and intellectually unconvincing. I wish these texts could be more thoughtful about which experiences, dynamics, and needs are human being things, which ones are assigned-female-at-birth-in-our-culture things, which ones are woman things, and which ones are straight woman things -- because gender does definitely matter to our experience of stress, stressors, and our sexist, heteronormative, mysogynistic, body-hating society, but in specific and sometimes complex ways. show less

I found this book to be absolutely enlightening. Not only did I learn the physiological and physical similarities and differences between both men and women's sexual health, but I discovered my own "sexual type" and that I am, in fact, not broken.

It was relieving to read about scenarios that I have encountered myself, and to know that a large portion of women experience the same issues that I have. This book has really changed the way I view my own sexuality and I can better understand it show more as its portrayed and encouraged or discouraged in the media and by our culture. It was made even more poignant by the science and evidence the author uses to support the majority of the claims made in the book!

I would certainly recommend this book to both men and women, as I feel most of the information can be applied to ANYONE involved and interested in their sexual well-being and desire, and how it can be related to couples as well.

Overall, I give the book 4.5/5 stars, .5 stars off because I feel in parts that the author falls to the same trap that she stated she was trying to avoid - she continually advocates that a woman's sexuality is not simple like a man's is, but the reality is that both men and women can experience simple or complex sexuality and I would have liked her to be more encompassing of this fact. show less

This was seriously glorious. The first book was all Annie’s POV, and I’m so glad that here we have Charles’s POV too as it’s mostly his story. I mean this was love, and it took a lot of work for these two to get their HEA (yay for therapy). I adored everything about this and again am in awe of all the smarts here too.

Yes, this is a book regarding human sexuality, with a specific focus on female sexuality. All relevant disclaimers apply.

These days we are constantly bombarded with all kinds of messages regarding sex, sexuality, and how it is imagined it should be experienced. It’s no wonder why so many experience a lot of pressure regarding their expectations, and the expectations of their partners, in terms of what sex should be like.

Most of these messages and expectations are socially conditioned and show more tend to center and consider normative the “standard” male expectation and experience of sexuality. No wonder, then, how many women feel as if they are never good enough and their experiences are never what they should be.

In Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Dr. Emily Nagoski works to counter the standard beliefs which surround what sex is supposed to be, especially as it relates to women’s sexuality.

There’s a lot to consider in the work, and the author’s goal throughout is to normalize the physical and sexual desires and conditions of women: the desire they naturally feel is normal; to be more responsive than active in desire is normal. All genitalia, male and female, involve similar components arranged differently; therefore, with very few exceptions, a person’s biological presentation, etc., is normal. A lot of sexuality is in the brain, and there are “accelerators” which increase desire, and “brakes” which decrease desire; while the “accelerators” are often romantically or sexually encoded, a lot of the “brakes” involve the regular stresses of life, and this is normal. Disconnect between one’s sexual mental state and physical state…normal. The goal should be to listen to one’s body and pursue what is truly pleasurable to it, and not merely to perform according to what one imagines would be the expected societal standard.

The book is written primarily for women and regards female sexuality; men can read to perhaps learn more about their wives, but also can gain some insights regarding their own sexuality and sexual experiences.

The book is replete with case studies from the author’s practice as a sex therapist, providing a range of relationship types and the various challenges the women involved experience in their sexual relationships.

The author’s ultimate encouragement is according to the spirit of our age, an encouragement to pursue one’s sexual desires as long as all involved provide appropriate, informed consent, and no one is experiencing physical pain. While some of the examples and discussions are likely to cause a lot of Christians some discomfort, the information provided in the book, and its overall message, can provide them with great benefit. A lot of the exhortation to accept oneself and find satisfaction through the pursuit of pleasure in sex sounds a lot like the Song of Songs and remains consistent with the exhortation for married couples to become one flesh, how the marriage bed is undefiled, and spouses should give themselves to each other (cf. Matthew 19:4-6, 1 Corinthians 7:1-4, Hebrews 13:4). Christians certainly are not immune to manifesting socially conditioned views on sex and sexuality which are not in alignment with how their bodies and minds actually work; therefore, they can also benefit from the kinds of insights and wisdom provided in this book.

As in all such things, hold fast to what is good. You don’t have to cling to the things which aren’t. show less