Barnaby Conrad (1922–2013)

Snoopy writes the same story over and over, without seeming to realize it, just like me and so many other writers. He receives the most outrageous rejections in the business, sometimes days before he's finished, let alone submitted, his manuscripts. Snoopy's "brother" Monte, son of Charles Schulz, has provided the ultimate fantasy writing guide: a collection of strips featuring Snoopy as auteur and brief essays from writers that are part fan letter, part heartfelt advice for the struggling show more rooftop typist. Comfort and reassurance--and bracing, hard recommendations--are all wrapped up in the star of Happiness Is a Warm Puppy. show less

When I was 13, I found a book with the title Skye O’Malley in my mom’s closet. It had that standard “romance novel” cover with the muscular, long-haired man holding a woman in a classic Southern dress whose breasts were about to pop out over the top. Naturally, being curious as to what the book was about, I flipped through it.

Every page I turned to was filled with sex. And more sex.

When I asked my mom if I could read it, innocently enough I thought at the time, she said no and hid show more it. While she was at work, I found it. And read it. Well, at least, the good parts anyway ;) If the book actually had a plot, I was as oblivious to it as the author.

101 Best Sex Scenes Ever Written by Barnaby Conrad has sex on every page. But it’s nothing like Skye O’Malley. Honestly, I was a little afraid it would be. But the word “best” caught my attention and, since the author has a few other “101 Best…” books out, I thought that I would take the opportunity to read through it and see what he had in mind.

In the introduction, Mr. Conrad lays out that this book isn’t going to be filled with scenes to “titilate the reader.” Each was selected because the scene “advance[s] the plot in some way or helped to characterize the protagonists of the story they came from.” So what we actually have here are sex scenes that are intricate to the plot of the novel and not simply gratuitously placed on every other page.

The scenes chosen for this book are taken from a wide reading of literature. From Madame Bovary and Lady Chatterly’s Lover all the way to the scene from Deliverance (yes, THAT scene), the selections from the gamut of sex scenes in literature and are listed by topic in each chapter.

Mr. Conrad takes each scene and tells us what it does for the novel that contains it — and, in some instances, makes the reader want to either read — or re-read — that novel. He talks about what the scene’s place in the novel was, what it did for the story, and why the author chose to represent it the way they did.

At the beginning of each chapter, there is a quote regarding the chapter’s subject. Some of my favorites:

“By the time you swear you’re his/Shivering and sighing/And he vows his passion is/Infinite undying — /One of you is lying.” Dorothy Parker, Chapter 4: “What is This Thing Called Love?”: The First Time.

“The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.” Lord Chesterfield, Chapter 7: “Hah-hah, Was It Funny For You, Too?”

“Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.” Germaine Greer, Chapter 10: Oral Exam.

“I shall be back in two weeks to embrace you passionately. Do not bathe.” N. Bonaparte in a letter to Josephine, Chapter 13: Ugh, E-e-e-uuu, and Gross.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book. I’m not a romance novel fan, but this book was far more interesting to me than romance fiction. The only thing that kept this book from receiving five stars was that I would have enjoyed a more thorough deconstruction of each scene. But, quite honestly, the scenes did indeed speak for themselves and Mr. Conrad provides enough information to make the entire book worth reading both on an enjoyment level and to revisit when considering writing a sex scene to include in one’s own novel.

I intend to keep this book handy for future reference because these are the types of sex scenes I would want to write in my own novels and this is a fantastic resource for understanding and examples. show less

This book is exactly what it purports to be: "a romp" through literature and Hollywood, a culling from the herd of 101 of the best scenes ever written. Mr. Conrad, a best-selling author who also used to professionally wave capes at riled-up bulls (until forced by a "bad goring" to retire from the sport), makes good on his promise. Scene after scene flits by without any but the barest verbal stitching on Conrad's part. The author's picture shows Conrad scowling scholarly at the camera, show more standing next to an easel and canvas, holding paints in his hands, the canvas's pretty woman's visage resembling something like what I imagine Joan and Jackie Collins's librarian sister to look like.

And so I was prepared for Mr. Conrad to maybe use the book's occasion to trot out some of his own writing. Nonetheless, I still cringed when Mr. Conrad, with a bit of hemming and erming, introduced one of his own scenes. But I'll be damned if it wasn't one of the best scenes in the entire book. Seriously.

The downside of this book is that it is chockablock with spoilers. The book's basically nothing but spoilers. It is just one spoiler after the other. Little Women? Jo dies. Tale of Two Cities? Whathisname dies in place of his friend. Animal Farm? Animals dominate other animals; the humans step back in the picture at the end. Also, Mr. Conrad is a tad too impressed with Hollywood's whole system of self-congratulation. I lost count of how many times he describes this or that famous scene, and then says: "This scene is so good that when Actor X and Actress Y played the parts on the big screen, they both won Oscars." As if winning an Oscar settled forever some kind of artistic question. But if it, how then to explain Cuba Gooding Jr. Robin Williams. James Cameron.

But that is not to say that Mr. Conrad fails to instruct. He does a great job. Nor does he fail to charm. He's a real charmer. He is likable. He chucks the reader's chin, and gives him candy on the sly. He picks the reader up from home at dusk, drives him a little distance, and then parks the car. "Shhhh!" he says. "Watch!" He points to the sky. First one, then another, and then too many too count: fireworks explode in the sky.

Oooh. Aaaah. show less

A guide for authors, divided into a lot of sections which each tackle a particular topic. Rather an old book now (1990), but the general sections on e.g. character development, endings, themes, description, how to deal with writer's block and rejection, how short stories differ from novels etc are still applicable, it's just the material on the publishing industry which is now out of date and that is a relatively small part of the book.

The book uses a lot of examples, with some quotes, and show more also advice from a lot of different writers, either classic ones such as Ernest Hemingway, F Scott Fitzgerald etc, or those who were very popular at the time of publication. Some, who were apparently best sellers, I've never heard of, but a lot are familiar names even if I've never read their books, e.g. Sidney Sheldon. Quite a few extracts come from the various addresses given at the Santa Barbara Writers' Conference which I think was held annually and is still running.

The main 'bias' is that the book is overwhelmingly American, unsurprisingly in view of its genesis at the Santa Barbara Writers' Conference, and references to 'this country' etc are obviously the USA, although authors like Chekhov are discussed. There's some good advice here for beginner writers; for me, it's reinforcement although I found the examples interesting and I wish I'd read this years ago when I was given bad advice about writer's block, because the advice in this book is what I discovered the hard way - don't wait for a great idea, instead just write any old thing and eventually the creative spirit will return. show less