Kate Whouley

Learning that a loved one has dementia is dreaded by many of us. It can be a difficult and confusing time. Author Kate Whouley takes the reader on a heartfelt journey as she comes to terms with her own mother's diagnosis. Upon finding her mother's house littered with crumpled tissues, magazines, newspapers, cigarette wrappers, and smelly cat food cans, Whouley realizes something is wrong. Is her mother drinking again? No, it is perhaps worse, and nothing could have prepared the author for her mother's downward spiral into the disease that is Alzheimer's.

Whouley shares her struggles to learn as much as she can about the disease and to find a way keep her mother safe. She must find a balance between work and caring for her mother, but in a way she has always cared for her. Growing up as an only child, Whouley shouldered a lot of responsibility when her mother divorced, remarried, and became an alcoholic. However, this is a new challenge that Whouley can't face alone. Along the way she is fortunate to find Suzanne, an elder-care consultant, to guide her through the stages of her mother's illness. Whouley also learns to rely on friends for support as she works her way through feelings of worry, guilt, and doubt. Additionally, Whouley takes solace in her music and incorporates her love of music into the book as it relates to her relationship with her mother.

The author wants to be the good daughter, but she discovers that it is not always easy to make the right decisions for her mother. Anne, her mother, has always been a little bit difficult, and now Anne resists the changes forced upon her. While Whouley struggles with the process of placing her mother in assisted living and finding the resources to pay all the bills, Anne resists losing her freedom little by little. By sharing their story, Whouley reminds readers that even the aged and the infirm are deserving of our love and respect.

The Bottom Line: Author Kate Whouley takes a very candid and open approach in her memoir as she gently reflects on her feelings of doubt, guilt, anger, and acceptance of her mother's illness. Reading the book is like talking to an old friend who understands about the struggles one faces when caring for aged parents. This quick read explores the complex relationship between mothers and daughters. It also highlights the importance of family relationships and finding a strong support system in your friends. Kate's touching reflections are told compassionately and will leave readers with a bittersweet sense of inspiration. Highly recommended for anyone struggling with caring for an aging parent diagnosed with dementia.

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Reviewed as part of the Librarything Early Reviewers program.
This review contains spoilers.

From the book jacket -
"From the author of the much loved 'Cottage for Sale, Must be Moved', comes an engaging and inspiring account of a daughter who must face her mother's premature decline".

I really enjoyed this memoir, and will share it with my own mother. I hadn't read anything by Kate Whouley before, and I really appreciate her writing style. She did a great job of keeping the story interesting and moving along (not always easy with a memoir), and there were many many poignant moments, which caused me to feel real empathy and compassion for Kate and her mother:

"I see no reason to correct her revised version of our day. But I feel strange, and heavy, as I think about what I know about my mother that she doesn't know herself, medical truths she will never internalize, even if they are spoken aloud to her. You have Alzheimer's. You may have lung cancer. Do I owe her the truth, even for a moment? Or do I owe her tranquility, peace of heart - for as many moments, remembered and unremembered, as she has on this planet?".

An interesting question, indeed.

"There's no certainty how long her awareness will last; the cycles and recycles of conversation have grown shorter in recent months. But what I've come to recognize is how little that matters. Memory is overrated. What is important is my mother's life, and in the time I spend with her, is that we have those moments. I can string them together into memory, and she cannot. But what I believe - what I have to believe - is that the quality of the moment matters, if only in that moment".

I so love this paragraph, which sums up the author's experience with her ill mother, so well. What a great lesson for us all, if we choose to listen.

Beautifully written.

Four out of five stars.… (more)

Kate Whouley writes an honest account of her experience in caring for her mother who developed Alzheimer's. Of course, this disease was the center of the story, but reflected in this main theme is the always complicated story of mothers and daughters. Kate's difficult relationship with her mother is an integral part of the story, necessary for a complete account . She includes these details in a way that is as respectful as possible while allowing the reader to understand the emotions she had to deal with. I found the reference to music most interesting, as I have had some personal experience with Alzheimer patients in a nursing home setting while involved with a weekly ministry. Many of the patients we see each week have Alzeimer's, and we often comment how amazing it is that patients who cannot remember their name or where they are can sing hymns with us, remembering all the words. Music is indeed a powerful language.… (more)