Personal: Me and Conflict

It was brought to my attention that it can sometimes be frustrating when I involve myself in a heated discussion and then leave the thread.

Please know that I have a real fear of conflict. I've avoided it in my life, even on television, for all my adult years.

It is due to the relatively safe and sane nature of the people here that I am able to involve myself in such LT conversations at all!

Please try to be patient with me when I post a couple times then bow out. I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm attempting to spread my wings a bit. I'm also not looking to be convinced to join back in. I've honestly reached my limit when I head out.

Thanks all for making LT such a wonderful place for books, reading and community.

No worries, Morph, you are not alone!

Morphidae - Hope you know you are among friends here, and however you need to handle things is O.K. with us.

I know what you mean as well. While I have views on a lot of issues, I tend to steer clear of many of the most disputatious threads and in real life I also go go great lengths to avoid conflict as far as I can.

I've been known to do that as well, though in my case it's generally because I feel that I've said all that I have to say on the subject, or because the thread itself seems to be becoming repetitive.

I think we should all feel free to bow in or out as we see fit, finding our own comfort levels. It's basically only the individual poster's business where and when he or she posts.

Like lilithcat, I too often leave a thread when I've said all I have to say. Many years ago, in the early days of online groups, I participated in one that could often get very heated (last time I ventured far into political discussions on the internet!). It took me a while, but I learned that I didn't have to answer something just because it was there and provoking me -- for me, a valuable lesson.

>6 rebeccanyc: what she said.

I have several times waited instead of posting my inital reaction and then found that no post at all was better. Anyway, on some threads the discussion goes places I don't want to follow it to and so I leave the active discussion even if I continue reading for a while. So, go with your own comfort level.

Morph, you have my support. LT should be fun. The internet has an off switch and we should be free to use it at will.

I'm with you on this Morphidae ... I, too, have a tendency to get involved in these kinds of threads and then leave ... for me though, it's usually because I'm getting too depressed by others' responses ... or worried I'm going to say something too offensive ... or feeling like lilithcat and rebeccasnyc ... anyway, my point is just that you should feel free to weigh in (and out) of any thread anytime you see fit.

I definetly feel no-one should feel any pressure to continue in any thread they are uncomforatble with for whatever reason.

Ideally there wouldn't be threads people are uncomfortable with, but thats unlikely.

Even then, there are many instances when RL intrudes, and I just don't have time to say what I wanted to. Much as I enjoy all of LTs company, RL is always going to be more important than the internet.

Type when and what you can. I can understand the position of those who lose a debating partner, but there will generally be someone else willing to carry the torch.

When I have a strong negative reaction to a post I frequently start typing out a response, but in the act of typing I realize what a waste of my time and energy it is to get involved. *delete* I guess I just don't have a taste for message board dramatics anymore. *shrugs*

I rarely abandon first a discussion I've joined--the original dead-horse-flogger here!--but then the first selection is the type of discussion anyway--politics and religion are usually kryptonite.

But sometimes the interlocutor stumps you by sheer stupidity or evil or ignorance or misunderstanding of the topic at hand which is unresolvable without MANY more words and/or a brain transplant. In that case, leaving may be the best option.

And, bottom line, you have the right to act however suits you best.

I've been in discussions here on LT that have literally made me feel like having a heart attack with the whole dizziness and rapid heartbeat thing. I blame that pesky fight or flight thing, but it looks too foolish to run away screaming from your computer :-) I too have a huge aversion to conflict (and being ignored but that's something else entirely) and have often avoided threads and groups when I feel I can't take any more. You're not the only one.

Morphidae,

I've enjoyed reading posts of yours. They've even cheered me up. You're a nice and friendly person, and everyone on LT should leave threads when they want despite what others may have said. Hope you have a more enjoyable time on LT - good luck. :)

I just wanted to add that I didn't feel like I was being told when I should and I shouldn't post. I only wanted to let people know that I'm not a "I'm taking my toys and leaving" type of person. I'm more of a "This is scary, but I'll try it for a little bit" type.

:)

#16 Morphidae:
"This is scary, but I'll try it for a little bit"
I do that one, too, especially when it comes to starting a thread on a certain group. :)

>I've been in discussions here on LT that have literally made me feel like having a heart attack with the whole dizziness and rapid heartbeat thing.

Oooh, I get that response when anyone does the "I'm better than you" thing. It's one of my hot buttons.

No, you are NOT a better person or more valuable because I like Harry Potter and you like War and Peace. HARUMPH!

And the whole "Are Muslims the new Nazis?" thread got my blood boiling. I'm very grateful to Tim that he added the IGNORE GROUP functionality so I don't have to see that type of *bleepity bleep* anymore.

I too feel a little "harumph-y" at times. We must flaunt our taste in books, not knuckle under to those who think they are better than we are. Fun Readers of the World, Unite!!

We were all told when we were kids to walk away from bullies, and that's what you're doing, Morph. Me too - I would rather eat powdered glass mixed with asparagus juice that get into a confrontation. Life is too short, and too much fun.

#18 Morphidae:
Well in Hogwarts Express, we welcome all HP fans! :) Please, come and have fun. We have a wizard challenge going. It's great!

>20 Kerian: Eh, sorry, Kerian. It's all a little too twee-fandom for my personal tastes. :)

I'm in this as well....I've posted a few comments that kept me up at night hoping that they were perceived as they were meant.

Being new at this online community thing I must say, LT is most intellegent, inspiring, kind and welcoming & offers something for nearly everyone...plus it's so much fun!

Thank you all....this has enriched my life indeed!

I 23rd everything that's been said.

I have read posts here which have been so articulate and creative that they have made me beam with pleasure. I've learned things. I've been reminded of things I'd forgotten. I've laughed out loud. Sometimes I've been in complete awe, especially at what people are reading. Rarely though, I've been exasperated or baffled by someone's stance - rarer yet, royally po'd. That, Morphidae, is when you hit *shut down* and go read a good book.

>That, Morphidae, is when you hit *shut down* and go read a good book.

Or click on the IGNORE button!

Me too to all of the above, pretty much.

I tend to find LT more fun when it's more light-hearted. I'm not a big fan of serious threads about politics and such, because when I'm getting frustrated at one of those threads, I know I could be having a much better time talking about HP or Elantris (or just getting some cheese) in another group. Mmm... cheese..

Morph: we're all here because we have a common love. And no-one's going to spoil that for themselves by holding a grudge against you or anyone else.
But about the rapid heartbeat thing: try to be calm - it's easy enough for us to type in flippant comments and not realise how seriously they might be taken by you or others. Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...

This board is the least trollish and snipy of any I've encountered. I'm on the lookout for it going downhill, tho, because people are starting to hear about it. I'm personally responsible for 4 new members, although I haven't seen them post on the threads yet. We've also gotten shoutouts in some of the major media.

So far, so good. Let's keep on ignoring trolls and maybe they won't take hold.

You are free, as always, to ignore any thread you don't care for.

There is the 'Outside' group. This would have been a great place to put it, if only to shake things up a bit (everything seems to go under Book Talk).

If there were a lot of "off topic" posts, I might agree with #28. But, in this case, the initial post presumably grew out of events in other Book Talk threads, and so Book Talk was a good place for it so the people who are familiar with the poster would see it.

> 33

I agree. Frankly, I don't look at the "Outside" group anymore, as it seems to have been designed for rants and controversy, not merely "Off-topic" posts.

And, of course, if you are trying to reach people whom you have been dealing with in Group A, it seems sort of pointless to post in Group B!

It was a problem in the heathen group, wasn't it? I also agree that this would have been better posted in a group not about books, but as things are, I have read the posts on that particular group and it did get a bit heated there. I didn't see any personal attacks, though. Just keep in mind it is much easier to type something that you would never say. Also remember that we don't know each other, we are not real friends, even though we share a common interest, so it is best not to let things bother you too much :-)
Morphidae, I always like your comments and find that you have alot of good input to share. Please know that your views are valued by alot of people. And if people don't value what you have to say, they don't know you, and you will probably never meet them... it is best to spend your time and energy on the people really around you, not worrying about what some stranger thinks!

There has been a number of conversations where Morphidae has felt the need to excuse herself from the discussion. Whilst I feel that she may be over-sensitive and personally frustrated that the discussion hasn't come to a natural halt I (and all other civilised people) have to accept that the thread has become too upsetting for her. The adversarial nature of a debate just seems right to me. It is familiar from the law, and from science. That others have a different, more sensitive, approach is fairly alien to me (and no doubt others). I do make a big distinction between attacking the ideas and attacking the person.

I certainly disagree with reading_fox in 11> when they say "Ideally there wouldn't be threads people are uncomfortable with". This is like saying ideally there wouldn't be books that some people don't find uncomfortable. A lot of people (and this isn't directed at Morphidae) don't like being made to think about their position and to justify it (even internally to themselves) however a discussion that forces that is almost always a good thing IMO even if it reaffirms their belief and improves their argument.

andyl - I've taken my response Outside where it is more appropriate.

Morphy -

Don't know if you'll see this.

I won't try to convince you to stay, but only because you don't want us to.

All I will say is I miss you, Clam misses you, so many others miss you - and - we hope to see you back.

* hugs *