OK Cupid Discussion

Since so many of us are on OKCupid, we've made a thread specifically for discussion of this nerdy single's site. :)

Oh hey, I didn't even know there was a Librarything Singles Group.

Edit: I suppose I should mention I was linked to this thread from Rachel's thread in another group, to allay any confusion...

There wasn't until 5 minutes ago

Ohhhhhhh, I see.

I'm still talking to that guy who said he only read 5-15 books per year, but clearly reads a lot more than that. We've been talking about books non-stop for 3 days (2-3 messages per day). I guess that's better than mis-estimating the other way around!

Much better!

He's trying to get me to read Neal Stephenson though. No! Never again!

I've not yet read Neal Stephenson. But I plan on reading one of his books some day....

I've been having a 1-message-per-day conversation with a guy who reads a pretty impressive selection of books. Right now, we're discussing Manning Marable's Malcolm X: A Life of Reinvention. But he's trying to turn the conversation to be about alternate histories. :)

I feel like The Dragonslayer needs more discussion. To recap, I got a message which starts like this: "Whew, finally, I'm sorry it took so long for me to get to you but I've been busy slaying all those dragons,... ", and I won't be able to see the rest of the message until I get home tonight.

Current theories are:
a) it is a pickup line implying that I am a princess in need of rescue from dragons
b) he is crazy and thinks he is actually slaying dragons
c) My latest theory is that he plays some sort of video game that involves slaying dragons, and he has been too busy playing it to message people on Ok Cupid.

Your thoughts??

>8 The_Hibernator: Alternate histories are great! The guy I'm talking to just wants to talk about Science Fiction books, which is fine with me except that all I want to talk about these days is Jacky Faber.

>9 norabelle414: I'm still hoping it was a joke and the rest of the message will be funny. :)

I think any of those options are funny, really.

Are you ready??? Drumroll please . . . .

"Whew, finally, I'm sorry it took so long for me to get to you but I've been busy slaying all those dragons, freeing captured unicorns, getting turned into a frog, braving perilous dungeons, and rescuing damsels in distress. Oh, you are the princess right?

Ok, maybe that was a little over the top but I liked what I read from your profile and thought I would say hi."

Over-the-top, indeed, sir.

Hahaha. Well, that message wouldn't be a total turn-off for me. I'd have to check out his profile first, and then decide. Though that message certainly does sound like it's a line that he's typed up for multiple usage. And it doesn't say anything to suggest that he looked at your profile.

The guy I've made a tentative date with didn't make it clear that he'd read my profile, either, and I almost filtered him out but decided to answer him because he has a picture of himself as a zombie on OKCupid and I wad curious. Plus, I very specifically said that I like zombies in my profile (I was babbling whatever popped into mind, give me a break...it was the middle of the night and I was only playing around). I figure that MIGHT be a hint that he'd read my profile. *shrug*

>14 The_Hibernator: The dude was gross. And we were only 55% compatible. and 37% for friendship.

Ha! 55% compatible is pretty bad. The worst I've gotten is some guy 10 years younger than me with 30% compatibility. His message was "Hey beautiful. How are you?" But he clearly had not read my profile because we had NOTHING in common and disagreed on SO MANY of the questions! In fact, I'm not certain how we got 30% compatibility, since it seemed like we'd answered every question differently. He even said he wanted to date someone younger than him!

The guy that was trying to chat me up the other night, the one who said SEVERAL times that watching porn was one of his hobbies, was only a 27% match with me. He was from Japan and living here and very interested in full-figured ladies. VERY, as he told me time and again (in less hint-hint nudge-nudge language... did I forget to mention how many times he said he was blunt and straightforward?). I tried to give him a chance to prove himself and have an actual conversation but every other question was about getting my number or meeting up that night and how hot he thought I was. As a full-figured woman, it's nice when someone thinks you are attractive but the horndog fetishist guys give me the creeps AND piss me off.

Yeah, that IS creepy. That's not thinking you're attractive, that's making you into a piece of meat. And suggesting that you might be desperate enough to be ok with that. Wow. Yuck.

Objectification is no good! But at least he was obvious about it so you know to stay away!

Well, my first OKCupid date was a failure. Luckily it wasn't with the guy that I rather liked...it was with another guy that I'd been talking to with less enthusiasm, but for a longer time.

He asked if I wanted to do coffee sometime. I said "sure." I gave him my phone number so we could set something up more easily. At 9pm, he starts texting, and he asks me "What do you mean it's late?" I tell him I try to go to bed at 11 because that makes my next day more productive. But I can be flexible.

Suddenly he changes the plan from coffee to "movie and cuddle." Warm Bodies. Apparently it's still in ONE theater around here (half hour drive from my place).

I'm not sure I'm fully ok with this, but I'm considering it when my nephew walks in and says "Aren't I supposed to do my homework tonight?" Apparently, we all forgot about it. He only reminded us AFTER HIS BEDTIME. (We apparently forgot to tell him to go to bed, too.) :) So then, we have to go on a hunt for his math book, which seems to have disappeared. Finally, I sit down to help him. He gives me the evil eye every time I pick up my phone.

I text the OKCupid guy and tell him basically what happened. I said "why don't we do it tomorrow?" He answers "Oh. That's ok. I'm free anytime tonight."

Really? He not only wants to change the date from coffee to "movie and cuddle" but he HAS to do it tonight, last minute? He's too pushy for me.

>20 The_Hibernator: Eep! I'd be suspicious of a guy who wanted to meet for the first time in a place where talking is discouraged. Johnny saved the day! I hope your next date is with a better guy!

I'm super duper cautious about meeting people due to some previous unfortunate experiences (nothing that bad, just really uncomfortable) so I always make sure my first date with someone I don't already know is in a public place and doesn't have any time frame on it (coffee or drinks, basically).

Yeah, me too. Public, well-lit places. I don't like bars, either, because it's too easy to get something slipped in your drink. Coffee is nice because it's quiet, well-lit, inexpensive, and can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours. :)

I've been talking to a guy on OK Cupid and he seemed just fine, but now all of a sudden he's started using the word "chill" as an adjective, which is one of my biggest pet peeves :-(

I can handle chill but I don't like it. If it turns to chillax, all bets are off and you best not be standing within reaching distance.

I'm fine with "chillax" because a) it sounds funny & reminds me of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and b) it is used as a verb. But if this dude tells me one more time about all the "chill" bars by his house (most of which, on another note, I have patronized and even if chill was an adjective it would NOT be used to describe those bars) or that he is a really "chill" guy, I will send him a computer virus.

HAHAHA! The new disease you have to worry about when dating!

ETA: Chillax used jokingly towards someone can be funny and fine. It's the "We should totally chillax at my place" kind of thing that makes me twitchy and possibly violent.

:) I don't mind chillax because I think it's funny, too, but it depends on the context. As for chill as an adjective, it DOES sound a bit pretentious to me. Though neither word usage would particularly bother me unless person had some more annoying conversational qualities.

ETA: But if it bothers you Nora, it's good that you found out now rather than later. :)

>27 The_Hibernator: Mostly it just bothers me that it bothers me. I feel it's really shallow of me.

I think it sounds gangster.

It sounds bro-licious.

Oh god, 'bro' is definitely a pet peeve of mine. *Shudders* And sideways ballcaps are rarely tolderable.

We can be shallow together, Nora. Let's Google pictures of people and make fun of them.

I just got an OK Cupid message that says "cute"

and that's it. Not even punctuation.

Well, I had my first OKCupid date. Coffee. For about an hour. It went well, he was very nice (and considerate - except that he was a half hour late because he took the wrong bus and had to run 2 miles to make it to the date, but I was impressed he ran that far wearing winter gear on icy sidewalks). He's a musician (a well-read one!). Here's one of his videos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Swfb8bWwiA

>34 The_Hibernator: Yay! He definitely gets brownie points for trying so hard to be on time. Are you going to see him again?

I'm not into rap, but it's cool he has a video. I watched a bit of it and seemed to like the message.

I'll have to save the video for when I get home, but I'm glad you had a good date!

New here, hello all. I joined OKC in mid-Feb, but am currently on hold due to an exam due at the end of the month - after which I will go back online. Great to see this thread and that there are others going through some similar emotions / experiences. :)

I traded messages with 3 guys and talked on the phone with 2 of them but have not been on an actual date yet. Hoping to do so when I go "active" again.

Since it is my first time online, I browsed through Amy Webb's book Data: A Love Story one afternoon as I was intrigued after listening to her TED Talk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OF5VVrsnpzo). I think I made some of the same rookie mistakes as her re. pics and profile length and approach. What do people here think of her recommendations?

> 34, I too liked the music video. Nice to hear you had a good date.

Hi Jenny! Thanks for sharing your experiences. I hope you do well on your exam!

I will try watching that TED Talk when I have a few minutes. It sounds interesting. I think there are definitely some "tricks" to use when online dating to up your odds.

________________________________

I have been talking to a guy I met on OK Cupid (that I *really* like) via email and phone/text quite often. He isn't moving to the area until next week though. And even when he moves to the "area", it could be over an hour and a half from me . . . . argh. Darn gigantic metropolitan areas . . . .

I have a date with a different guy on Wednesday. Our online communications were very awkward, but we seem to have a lot in common so I figure I'll give him a chance in person. Though, he loves John Green and I don't like him. But maybe that will lead to some interesting discussions.

I was talking to a guy who was okay (the aforementioned "chill guy") and then he completely stopped answering me. I was fine with that because I wasn't really into him. Then, a week and a half later, he messaged me back to say he wasn't really interested, but he had enjoyed talking to me. I appreciate the closure, but really??! It took him more than a week to write that??

norabelle414, good luck with your date on Wed. Let us know how that goes. Yes, I do think it's weird that it took the other guy 1.5 weeks to close the loop. Strange....

Maybe I'm just being a girl, but isn't enjoying talking to someone the first step to being interested in them? Especially on an online dating site? Weird.

>40 jennybhatt: Yes, but we couldn't get to the second step. Which is having stuff to talk about.

Hi Jenny! I had been thinking of watching the video but hadn't found time yet. But welcome to the group! I'll check out the video soon...

Nora - my (male, currently-online-dating) cousin gave me a hint: if a guy is talking to you and then disappears, he's talking to someone else. :) Probably he was talking to you and another girl and he caught your chill at his chill use of words, and got to chilln' on the other girl.

ETA: I haven't seen that guy another time. My fault, mostly. We set up a date last Friday, and then he tried to reschedule for today it because he had just been offered a new job and his schedule had changed. I didn't answer him right away because I had a bunch of other stuff I was trying to schedule at the time and he took lower priority. But I'm not THAT into him, so I'm not sure I WILL reschedule after all. I mean, he was really nice and all, but I didn't feel much spark. It was more sort of a "well, he was nice, and has potential" feeling. So we'll see what happens.

>43 The_Hibernator: Oh, I totally knew that he wasn't interested after about 4 days of radio silence, and I was fine with him just stopping messaging me. But why come back after it was very clear he wasn't interested, to say he wasn't interested?

I've had a guy do the same thing before. We actually went out on two dates and then I didn't hear from him for over two weeks. And then he sent a message on OK Cupid (which was weird because we had progressed to phone calls at that point) saying he wasn't interested.

Haven't had much luck on okcupid or online dating in general.
pof.com (plentyoffish.com) and datehookup.com seem to have more activity. Worth checking out.

Rachel: Yeah, that 'spark' is definitely important. Did you know I set my hand on fire recently?

Well, then, you're very sparkly then. I wish I'd known you were sparkly when we met. I've always wanted to meet a sparkly ummm cyber-zombie?

*Gasp* I'm not a sparkly zombie! I rarely ever sparkle! ...I hope...

Well, I had that date last Wednesday and I thought it went REALLY well. He selected a good place to meet and I really enjoyed talking to him. He was cute and smart and really funny. We took turns asking each other questions and nothing was awkward at all. But now it's almost a week later and I haven't heard from him . . . .

Now I remember why I hate dating.

I can't speak from the dating perspective, but as a friend it sucks for us too, because we also don't hear from daters for weeks at a time. :(

I went on ONE two-hour date almost a week ago! that has NOTHING to do with it. I have been around I just haven't been posting on my own thread much. I'm not reading anything good.

>49 norabelle414:, norabelle414 - that does suck. I don't get it. With technology today, it's actually easier to politely close the loop. How hard would it be to just send a note to say "I had a great time but I think I'm going to keep exploring a bit more. All the best to you.". Would that not work?

>52 jennybhatt: I know! I texted him on Friday to say "thanks and I had a good time on Wednesday" and didn't get so much as a "you're welcome" back!

ETA: with my luck he'll probably text me back NEXT Wednesday to say "you're welcome, but I'm not interested"

Well Nora, you're better off without him if he's not interested.

Stephen, quit your whining and go out on a date. There must be a hot librarian somewhere around?

Jenny, I guess you're right, but I've been guilty of not getting back to people. Usually that's because I haven't quite decided whether I want to go out with him again or not - and I guess if I can't decide, that probably means I don't. So I don't worry about it if people don't get back to me, I figure they're not interested, and that's one fewer potential guy I need to weed out.

So I decided that I wasn't too very interested in that rapper guy (message 34) because I don't think he was really interested in a long term relationship. I think he was just looking for a fun short-term relationship. Those are a waste of time for me. I can have fun with my friends. Don't need a guy for that.

There's another guy that I think I'll go out with, but I'm starting to wonder about him. I started the conversation by commenting that we have a lot in common, etc. He messaged me back right away and said he was at work, but he got my message and he'll send something more later. 2 weeks later, I get a message saying "I've been staring at my keyboard and frantically plunking away at it for 2 weeks, but nothing seems to come out right," and then he made some comments about himself with a Catcher in the Rye allusion. The next day, he PS'd me that he knew he referenced Catcher in the Rye, but he wasn't THAT kind of crazy.

After pondering that he probably had a simple case of social/dating anxiety, I decided I'd go ahead and meet up with him, so I sent him my phone number and told him to text. A week later (yesterday) he texts and says that he'd typed the text over and over - and kept deleting it. But what he REALLY wanted to say is let's meet up on the weekend, name a place and he'll be there.

I'm not sure what his reason for telling me repeatedly how many times he typed up his message to me? Should I be weirded out, or just accept him as possibly socially awkward (pretty common for book nerds)?

Hi all,

This group popped up in my feed, so I joined and thought I'd introduce myself.

Hibernator: My unasked for .02-I'd give him a pass as socially awkward, I think he just wants you to know he hasn't been ignoring you.

>54 The_Hibernator: I think he's definitely socially akward and you shouldn't be weirded out. But that doesn't mean you have to go out with him.

I have a similar anxiety with phones, where I have it in my hand, dial repeatedly, but never finish, ultimately not making the call, and telling myself I'll do it tomorrow. It can take days for me to finally make the call. It seems extreme that he would have this same anxiety with writing in text, which has always came easy to me, but I can hardly pass judgement. Maybe he's just afraid of committing to a date.

I can definitely understand the mixed emotions involved in being alone and being afraid to interact with people. I mean, I've been able to go out for a couple of casual lunches with understanding friends. But to commit to a date? That's something else entirely, and I'm sure I would be just as apprehensive about it.

Don't know if that helps, just thought I'd offer an insider's perspective, of a sort. As to whether or not you should be weirded out, well, yes, you should be weirded out, by both of us. :)

>54 The_Hibernator: - I agree with others here. Adding my 2 cents: The guy just sounds a bit socially anxious and I'd at least meet him to see if there's enough friendly chemistry to help him get more comfortable......

As I'd mentioned earlier in the thread, I'd put my subscription on hold due to exams. I am thinking of getting it up again but the thought of getting some current pics taken to add is just.... well, not the most fun thing I can think of. I don't have a lot of pics of myself that I like. And, recently, I changed my hair completely, so the 1-2 pics that I do have and like..... well, I look different.

Any tips on profile pics would be greatly appreciated.

:) Well, yes, Stephen. I'm intrinsically weirded out by you.

Nora, well, I'm not feeling pressured into going out with him - he seems nice enough on paper. But interacting with him by text and OkCupid messages has been awkward. However, I'm not necessarily turned off by awkwardness. I can get along with certain types of socially awkward very well. I still talk to Stephen, don't I? ;)

I'll probably go out with him and see how in-person conversation goes. Maybe he's only awkward on the internet? haha Generally in person is the best way to get to know someone, anyway. If he's creepy, I just won't go out with him again.

Hi ArmyAngel! Thanks for the 2c

Hi Jenny! We cross-posted. :) Thanks for your 2 cents. I'll go out with him and see what he's like in person.

I think you should definitely get pictures that are recent - people hate it when your pictures look totally different than you! Some people feel deceived. I'd say get some pictures of yourself looking natural - doing things you enjoy.

I still talk to Stephen, don't I? ;)

True, but on the other hand you DID move to an entirely different state right after our meetup. :P

Post hoc ergo propter hoc? Oh, the fallacy!

Good news! I told John (textwardly awkward guy) that I'd meet him on Sunday and he promptly replied without ANY excuses about how hard he worked on his response. There's light at the end of the tunnel! ;)

>63 The_Hibernator: - :) We'll be sending good vibes through the ether to you for Sunday.

I found this article on Lifehacker yesterday very interesting - How to Make Time for Online Dating When You're Crazy Busy - http://lifehacker.com/how-to-make-time-for-online-dating-when-youre-crazy-bu-144...

And I forgot to mention this one from last month: Ask An Expert All About Online Dating Etiquette
http://lifehacker.com/ask-an-expert-all-about-online-dating-etiquette-1326068575

"What Can You Learn from OKCupid's Four Most Popular Users?"
http://jezebel.com/what-can-you-learn-from-okcupids-four-most-popular-use-152975...