Smiler Ventures Forth Without a Plan for 2017

   
Illustrations by http://simonaciraolo.com

Hi, my name is Ilana and I am a full-time stay-at-home mom to my Biwawa (Bichon and Chihuahua mix) tiny dog Charley and cats Ezra and Mimi. I had to stop working a decade ago in April (how time flies!) because of health reasons, so have lots of time to devote to reading and to making art, my two favourite activities, which I manage to do at the same time thanks to my great love of audiobooks. Those who have been familiar with my threads from past years know that I usually tend to do a lot of planning as far as reading is concerned. This is no doubt to compensate for the utter lack of organization in all the other areas of my life. For a variety of reasons I've decided this year would be different.

This year I've made a big change and decided not to plan ANY of my reading, to try to read less books in total number than the previous few years (212 in 2016, 206 in 2015), but try to read more longer works and do as much rereading as I feel like. Oh, and read from my own collections as much as possible too—with over 2,000 titles in the tbr stacks, I won't be lacking for options, though I'll still hear the siren call of the library, with all the latest offerings and endless titles in the original French available too. It's a bit strange, not having endless lists to refer to, as I'm left with so many choices every time I complete a book and want to pick the next one, but I felt I needed a different approach, as I need to be able to follow my moods more than ever. This might mean I might drop more books partway through than ever before, if they don't accord with me at the moment I've picked them up. I usually reread a book or three each year, but will probably be doing more of that as well this year (and wouldn't you know it, Ellen thought up the perfect challenge just for that! , although goodness knows I am overloaded with new to me books and authors! I'll still follow challenges to a certain degree, but at a remove, picking up only those authors that appeal at any given moment. I'm not sure I'm happy with this intro, so may very well edit it again, or then again maybe not. Life itself is a work in progress, is it not?



Currently reading, listening to, and occasionally browsing through:
♫ The Histories by Herodotus (taking small bites and chewing a long time)
✔ The Bedside Book of Birds by Graeme Gibson
✔ Berthe Morisot : Le Secret de la femme en noir by Dominique Bona
♫ The Door by Magda Szabó

      



Favourites of 2017 so far: (4.5 stars and up)
Quite Enough of Calvin Trillin by Calvin Trillin
Boule de suif by Guy de Maupassant (Short story, en français)
Clockwork by Philip Pullman (reread)
Le Bouquiniste Mendel / Buchmendel by Stephan Zweig (En français) ★★★★★
The Farseer: Assassin's Apprentice by Robin Hobb
Royal Assassin: The Farseer Trilogy, Book 2 by Robin Hobb
Tout Maigret, Tome 10 by Georges Simenon (The Maigret short stories)
Living Well Is the Best Revenge by Calvin Tomkins
Judas by Amos Oz
How to Build a Girl by Caitlin Moran ★★★★★
Ready Player One by Ernest Cline
How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran
The Creative Spark: How Imagination Made Humans Exceptional by Agustin Fuentes ★★★★½
The Fishermen by Chigozie Obioma




My rating system:
★ - Hated it (May or may not have finished it)
★★ - Has some redeeming qualities (Just ok)
★★★ - Enjoyed it well enough (Good)
★★★★ - Loved it! (Very good)
★★★★½ - Favourites of the year (Want to read it again!)
★★★★★ - All-time favourite (Would read again, and again... and again!)

⅛ ¼ ⅓ ½ ¾ ⅞

* = Picked for Me
♫ = audiobook
✔ = off the shelf
❉ = library book
ⓔ = eBook

Favourites of 2016 at a glance:

                                                           

***

Fun Books
Shop Cats of New York by Tamar Arslanian ★★★★★
Heap House: Book One (The Iremonger Trilogy) by Edward Carey ★★★★★
Plumdog by Emma Chichester Clark
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling
Carry On, Jeeves P. G. Wodehouse

Drama
♫ Carmilla: a Vampyre Tale by Sheridan Le Fanu (Radio Drama) ★★★★★
♫ Cold Comfort Farm (Radio Drama) By Stella Gibbons
King Richard III by William Shakespeare

International Authors

Eldorado by Laurent Gaudé
Le grand cahier / The Notebook by Agota Kristof
Ahab's Wife by Sena Jeter Naslund
The Blood of Flowers by Anita Amirrezani
Born a Crime by Trevor Noah

British Authors
Ordinary Thunderstorms by William Boyd
Julian Fellowes's Belgravia
The Lie Tree by Frances Hardinge
The Buddha of Suburbia by Hanif Kureishi
The Narrow Corner by W. Somerset Maugham
Nutshell by Ian McEwan ★★★★★
The North Water by Ian McGuire
His Bloody Project by Graeme Mcrae Burnet
Good Evening, Mrs Craven by Mollie Panter-Downes
The Daughter of Time by Josephine Tey (reread)
Black Roses by Jane Thynne
The Road Home by Rose Tremain
The Gustav Sonata by Rose Tremain
Sacred Hunger by Barry Unsworth

American Authors
Mr. Vertigo by Paul Auster (2nd reread)
The Nix: A Novel by Nathan Hill
A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving
Anna and the Swallow Man by Gavriel Savit
Salt to the Sea by Ruta Sepetys
A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley
Work Like Any Other by Virginia Reeves

Non-Fiction
From The Holy Mountain William Dalrymple
Being Mortal by Atul Gawande
The Duchess of Bloomsbury Street by Helene Hanff
H is For Hawk by Helen Macdonald
The Soul of an Octopus by Sy Montgomery
Venice by Jan Morris
The Dog Who Wouldn't Be by Farley Mowat

Canadian Authors
Sweetland by Michael Crummey
The Frozen Thames by Helen Humphreys ★★★★★
The Return / L'énigme du retour by Dany Laferrière
Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery
Never Cry Wolf by Farley Mowat ★★★★★
The Bird Artist by Howard Norman ★★★★★
The Hero's Walk by Anita Rau Badami

Books completed in May
47. ♫ The Creative Spark: How Imagination Made Humans Exceptional by Agustin Fuentes ★★★★½
48. ♫ The Fishermen by Chigozie Obioma ★★★★½
49.
50.

April
37. ♫ How to Build a Girl by Caitlin Moran ★★★★★
38. ♫ The Anchoress by Robyn Cadwallader ★★★★⅓
39. ✔ Nights at the Circus by Angela Carter ★★★½
40. ♫ Moranifesto by Caitlin Moran ★★★★
41. ♫ The Reptile Room by Lemony Snicket ★★★★
42. ♫ Don't Get Too Comfortable by David Rakoff ★★★★
43. ♫ The Stonecutter/ Le Tailleur de pierre (Erica Falck & Patrik Hedström, 3) by Camilla Läckberg ★★★★
44. ✔ I Served the King of England by Bohumil Hrabal ★★★½
45. ♫ Ready Player One by Ernest Cline ★★★★½
46. ♫ How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran ★★★★½

March
30. ♫ Royal Assassin: The Farseer Trilogy, Book 2 by Robin Hobb ★★★★½
31. ♫ A Prisoner of Birth by Jeffrey Archer ★★★★⅓
32. ❉ Tout Maigret, Tome 10 by Georges Simenon (The Maigret short stories) ★★★★½
33. ♫ Assassin's Quest by Robin Hobb ★★★¾
34. ✔ Living Well Is the Best Revenge by Calvin Tomkins ★★★★½
35. ♫ Judas by Amos Oz ★★★★½
36. ♫ The View from the Cheap Seats by Neil Gaiman ★★★★

Unfinished
♫ The Aeronaut's Windlass by Jim Butcher
♫ All the Old Knives by Olen Steinhauer

February
19. ♫ The Tsar of Love and Techno: Stories by Anthony Marra ★★★½
20. ♫ Clockwork by Philip Pullman ★★★★½ (reread)
21. ♫ The Passage by Justin Cronin ★★★½
22. ♫ Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth by Reza Aslan ★★★★⅓ (reread)
23. ♫ The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson ★★★★⅓
24. ♫ Notes of a Native Son by James Baldwin ★★★½
25. ♫+✔Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll (umpteenth reread)
26. ❉ The Poet's Dog by Patricia MacLachlan ★★★★
27. ✔ Le Bouquiniste Mendel / Buchmendel by Stephan Zweig ★★★★★
28. ♫ Mademoiselle Chanel: A Novel by by C.W. Gortner ★★★⅓
29. ♫ The Farseer: Assassin's Apprentice by Robin Hobb ★★★★½

Unfinished
♫ The Ghosts of Belfast by Stuart Neville

January
1. ♫ Woman in the Shadows (Clara Vine 2) by Jane Thynne ★★★★
2. ♫ The Good Good Pig: The Extraordinary Life of Christopher Hogwood by Sy Montgomery ★★★★
3. ✔ Quite Enough of Calvin Trillin by Calvin Trillin ★★★★½
4. ♫ Pietr the Latvian by Georges Simenon ★★★ (reread)
5. ♫ A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles ★★★★½
6. ✔ My Letter to the World and Other Poems by Emily Dickinson ★★★★★ (reread)
7. ♫ Lord Edgware Dies by Agatha Christie ★★★★ (reread)
8. ♫ Boule de suif by Guy de Maupassant (short story) ★★★★½
9. ♫ Memento Mori by Muriel Spark (reread)
10. ♫ A Really Good Day: How Microdosing Made a Mega Difference in My Mood, My Marriage, and My Life by Ayelet Waldman ★★★★½
11. ♫ Les Rois Maudits, tome 7 : Quand un roi perd la France (When a King Loses France) by Maurice Druon ★★★¼
12. ♫ The Bad Beginning by Lemony Snicket ★★★½ (reread)
13. ♫ American Housewife: Stories by Helen Ellis ★★★★
14. ♫ The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead ★★★★⅓
15. ♫ Nouvelles cruelles by Guy de Maupassant ★★★★
16. ♫ Fortunately, the Milk... by Neil Gaiman ★★★★
17. ♫ Throne of Jade by Naomi Novik ★★★½
18. ♫ The Miniaturist by Jessie Burton ★★★★½

probably more stuff.

and more here too.

This should do it.

Next one's free!

Lovely to see you back dear lady and hopefully primed for a great year ahead. Good times, bad times, indifferent ones; you'll have my company always. xx

>7 PaulCranswick: Thanks dear friend. I thought I'd just put up a marker for now, but will add some content in coming days. My first visitor in 2017, yay! ;-)

Hi, Ilana! - fingers crossed for a much better and kinder year in 2017. :)

>9 lyzard: Hi Liz! Thanks for the visit! I think we ALL need a kinder, better year in 2017. But with you-know-who you-know-where, I'm quaking in my boots a little, I must admit. There'll always be reading. Mostly audiobooks in my case. And Charley of course, and drawing as safeguards against total insanity. The things we have always loved are more important than ever now! Haven't sat down with a book now in many, many weeks, save for reading a paragraph here, a publisher summary there. Looking forward to sitting down with Emma again. That is, looking forward to be in that brainspace where that is actually possible again!

There'll always be reading.

Hear, hear! :)

Best of luck with your New Year's reading. I'm at your disposal if and when you feel up to resuming Emma, but don't feel under any obligation.

Happy New Year, Ilana!

Happy reading in 2017, Ilana, hugs to Charlie :-)

I am part of the group.
I love being part of the group.
I love the friendships bestowed upon my by dint of my membership of this wonderful fellowship.
I love that race and creed and gender and age and sexuality and nationality make absolutely no difference to our being a valued member of the group.

Thank you for also being part of the group.

Welcome back! No plan sounds just right. :)

Happy New Year, Ilana!

Thanks for the visits and lovely wishes. Happy New Year to everyone. No matter what we might think of 2016, at least there was plenty of good reading, so all is definitely not lost!

Happy New Year Ilana!

Happy New Year Ilana

Happy New Year, and here's hoping that 2017 manages to be at least a little better than 2016. Though in truth, 2016 was pretty amazing for me personally, so I feel rather churlish for complaining too much!

Happy New Year, Ilana! Hope it's a better one for us all...

Hi friends, and thanks for the kind New Year wishes. I'm sort of dysfunctional these days, keeping very odd hours and not seeing nearly enough daylight. Probably smoking too much medical marijuana too... but it's also helping me keep my spirits up, as I've been very, very low coming into this new year. So I hope I'll be forgiven for not thanking each of you individually, but your visits are very much appreciated and I trust we'll be in touch throughout the year.

I've just come to report my first book completed this year Woman in the Shadows by Jane Thynne, also known as The Winter Garden. This is the second book in the Clara Vine series which Suzanne has highly recommended, and it was a gripping story, set in 1937 Berlin.

Now to choose my next audiobook to accompany me as I work on my latest drawing project. It is called "RIP, Rat, or, 2016: The year that inspired me to draw a dead rat." Taking a small break from the Metro Series for this one.

Happy New Thread! Happy New Year, Ilana! I hope things look much brighter in 2017!

And Happy Reading! Books are our refuge and our salvation.

I'm sorry your spirits are low at this new beginning in time. January 1st is just a date so your very own new beginning can start whenever you feel like it. Your drawings are exquisite as always and don't reflect a dark cloud. Feel better soon, Ilana. Let your Charley do his magic!

Happy 2017, dear Ilana! We can only go forward in hope, so I hope that this will be a year of breakthrough in your migraine struggles with some sustaining personal relationships, satisfying art, and many wonderful books!

There will always be reading!
Hooray for that, I'd say. I look forward to the time during the day when I can read my book uninterrupted. It is such a good feeling. The other day it came early.....I went to the big new mega playground in the city, with a large coffee and my book. Got a good park close enough to be able to watch the kids from time to time. Shooed them out to play, read my book and drank coffee. It ruled.

Happy new thread/year/group :)

Just finished Sy Montgomery's The Good Good Pig: The Extraordinary Life of Christopher Hogwood. There's nothing quite like animal stories to make me feel so contented.

>11 lyzard: Liz, I will definitely want to resume Emma at some point, probably soonish. I'll check in with you to see if you are available when I'm up and reading physical books again!

>22 lunacat: Jenny, I'm very happy to learn you had a good year in 2016. I'm only sorry I haven't kept up with you to witness all these good things. Wishing you a great follow-up in 2017.

>23 Fourpawz2: Charlotte, I hope so too for all our sakes.

>26 Donna828: Thanks for your kind words Donna. I look forward to my daily drawing sessions, and Charley invites me to play with him anytime I feel so disposed, and I honestly believe he is the best kind of therapy I could receive.

>27 LizzieD: Those are some very nice things to hope for Peggy, thank you!

>28 LovingLit: Megan, I suspect that for many of us in this group, regular reading is a way to stay sane and balanced.

I'm very similar Ilana, in that I slump considerably at this time of year. I'm not sure if it's exhaustion after the enforced celebrations and socialising, a lack of sunlight, or a combination of all of it. But I've been sleeping far more than it feels I 'should' be, and at odd hours, so my brain is rather discombobulated. Weird migrainey symptoms aren't helping - nothing like you suffer, but the photo-sensitivity, spaced out feeling, disjointed vision etc are making the world seem rather odd. The excessive sleep doesn't help, but it's all I feel capable of doing!

Thankfully my boyfriend is being pretty amazing, and both encouraging me to rest but also to achieve little things between the rest. Plus he keeps reminding me to read or colour rather than messing around on FB, both of which are far better for my brain than the latter!

I hope you begin to feel better soon, but I know it's not as easy as that. In the meantime, settle in to what helps, do what feels right, try and push your brain a little when you can, and don't beat yourself up for self-care in whatever form that comes.

>29 Smiler69: Oh what a wonderful reading reminder. I loved that book The Good Good Pig and remember it well. He was so well loved by the community and I remember how gigantic he got to be. Contented reading. Good word!

Nothing like animal stories! My guilty pleasure lately is listening to the Bunnicula series on audio. Never too old for that!

Hi Ilana,
I'm trying a few threads this year - and didn't want to miss yours :-)

2016: Glad you liked The Frozen Thames and The Bird Artist - two of my favorites. I've been meaning to read H is for Hawk - but I have to buy it first and am waiting for it to be cheap.

2017: Wishing you the very best and hope you are feeling better. Charley is so cute! Hugs to you and furkidz.

Happy New Year, Ilana!

I'm another fan of both The Frozen Thames and The Bird Artist. Looking forward to another great reading year.

Hi Ilana. I just now found your new thread. First of all, thank you so much for your support and help over the last few weeks of LT Limbo, I found myself in! :-). So very appreciated!

>29 Smiler69: - I read that book a couple of years ago and loved it! She is a great writer! I have her Birdology and hope to get to that one this year, too.

Hi Lovely Visitors! I've been busy with... what exactly? Well, there was a search for the perfect 2017 wall calendar, since I always wait till after the holidays to buy one, in case someone decides to give one to me as a Christmas gift. I couldn't make up my mind between three versions of an oversized wall calendar by Cavallini Paper & Co, which I didn't know about before today, though some of their visuals look very familiar. Lots of beautiful vintage artwork. Ordered three, since they aren't available to be seen at the stores, and I'll be able to compare them in the comfort of my home, to decide which one livens up my kitchen best.

There's Facebook, which I had happily neglected for many years, only posting things indirectly from other sites. Then the election coverage got more and more heated a couple of months before the fatal election day, and then the interactivity of the site (allowing immediate chat, or 'live' updates to comments), made me feel like I was having some kind of social life, now I'm back to being alone with the animals (ever since Pierre decided we were never talking again. For real this time). Which is fine, but some kind of live social interaction felt necessary to ensure a healthy balance of some sort.

I'm blabbing. It's this new batch of medical marijane... I think I finally found a hybrid which actually removes some of the migraine pain and doesn't just distract me from it. They offer a blend called 'Social Fund' i.e. 'Fond Populaire' in the original French. This is made up of all the leavings on the counters and trays of the dispensary, a mix of everything of all the leaves fallen by the wayside with every purchase. Everything but the kitchen sink, basically, and that's what finally seems to make a real difference. Go figure. All I know is I woke up for two days in a row with a horrid migraine, and then it became just a presence and easily set aside. So I'm not complaining, far from it. It's just funny that among all these pure breeds, the sludge pile is what proves to me most effective for me! Ha! However, getting properly high also makes me less able to control the flow of my oversharing tendencies.

Onto what we're all here for to begin with: books

***



I just finished A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles today. My general impression of his writing and overall approach when I read Rules of Civility, shortly after it was published in 2011, was that his work is highly readable, very enjoyable, filled with bookish references for steadfast booklovers and occasional readers alike. In this book, I felt throughout that I was listening to a beautiful fairytale which happens to be set in Moscow during the heart of the Soviet period, from the early 1920s through the mid-50s. That our hero, a former gentleman of consequence, has been put under house arrest for the rest of his life—at the risk of being instantly shot should he risk himself outside—is unpleasant enough, but our dear Alexander Count Rostov—and why is that name so familiar? Because of Nicolai Rostov in War and Peace naturally, W&P being among many great classics mentioned throughout the story; the Essays of Michel de Montaigne are also folded into the story; a similar approach was taken in Rules of Civility. The fate of such a man, forced to live in a tiny room in the attics of a luxury hotel, officially stripped of his title and social influence could have been rather glum, in a similar manner to one of the guests of Grand Hotel, whose days are uniformly lonely and predictable.

Grand Hotel, which was made into an Oscar-winning film in 1932 starring Greta Garbo, John Barrymore and Joan Crawford (among others!) is a wonderful 1929 classic novel by German author Vicky Baum set of course in the 1920s, and I am certain Towles must have studied this book closely for his latest novel. As it happens, I read Grand Hotel just this last year, and kept a very good memory of it (unusual, that). It roundly deserved to be included on my favourites of 2016 list and would have made the list of whatever other year I might have picked it up in. Visions too of Wes Anderson's Grand Budapest Hotel in its more sober moments perhaps. This no doubt because of the novels intense visual component, and I would be surprised if it wasn't eventually made into a movie. I'd say Towles' genius is that he takes familiar tropes and with his own very clever way twists them into pleasant tales that make us travel in time and feel hopeful about life. Not a bad thing at all, goes without saying. ★★★★½

Well, HOORAY for mongrel maryjane! I'm happy to hear that you're getting some relief, Ilana!
And thank you for a splendid review of the Towles. I'll have it on the wish list for sure.

>37 LizzieD: And what of Grand Hotel then?!? ;-)

>36 Smiler69: The Cavallini calendars are great. I still have my Japanese Woodblock one from 2014 on the wall - just to look at the new print each month.
And another great review of A Gentleman in Moscow. I have Rules of Civility already and this one has been added also. Now just to find time and ambition to read.

>36 Smiler69: Stunning calenders, Ilana, at first I thought you were choosing between them, then I saw you took al three :-)

Belatedly coming to star your 2017 thread and say happy new year!

>2 Smiler69: Love your 2016 favourites. I'm trialling an Audible subscription and currently listening to Trevor Noah's Born a Crime which is great.

>24 Smiler69: Sorry to hear you are not feeling well in spirits at the moment. I am also feeling a little battered coming into 2017. I think Christmas and New Year are things I feel I survive/get through rather than enjoy and DH has been ill this last week which has knocked me for six (where does that expression come from??)

>36 Smiler69: So glad the migraine is being held at bay. I do need to read Amor Towles - I remember you enjoyed Rules of Civility and now there is a lot of love for A Gentleman in Moscow too. You've made the latter sound very appealing but should I read Grand Hotel (which also sounds good) first?

Yay! More visitors! I will come back to reply a little later this evening, after I've had supper and spent some time on my latest drawing. I just wanted to mention something slightly amusing that I'm sure book lovers will appreciate. I wasn't sure what audiobooks to pick up next after finishing A Gentleman in Moscow, so decided to go with one of the many titles already loaded on my smartphone. I thought a bit of cozy reading with Agatha Christie would be just the thing, and started listening to Lord Edgware Dies. I was enjoying it quite a lot, all the familiar characters and the interaction between Poirot and Hastings, etc, when it occurred to me the story was becoming almost too predictable... which would be because I listened to it just recently in 2015. Ah well, I decided to go with it anyway. My memory is that bad that there are surprises along the way all the same. Sometimes I start doing things and my attention slips from the book, but it doesn't matter too much, as I pick up the thread again soon enough. Talk about 'easy listening'... ;-)

A frequent reread:

  

Note: the poem on the right isn't taken directly from the book; I found it on google. The book itself, with Isabelle Arsenault's rich and evocative illustrations, is a work of art.

Oh dear, now I'm flagging and see I've fallen far behind on my replies. Thanks so much for your visits and thanks so much for being patient with me!

I actually sat down with a book for the first time in a while (i.e. during 'daytime' hours), which was the above, a tome of Emily Dickinson poems illustrated by the divinely talented Isabelle Arsenault. I would send it out to all Emily Dickinson fan as a little marvel to look at while enjoying her dense poetry.

>30 lunacat: Jenny, thanks so much for your kind words. If you're suffering from migraine symptoms, you're suffering. No competition with me there. I run the whole gamut, from 'almost not there, yet still' to 'please chop my head off' as far as pain, and sometimes I'm lucky to get away with extended periods of the former. Your boyfriend sounds like he's looking out for your best interest, and that is good to know. I think the heaviest part of the depression has lifted, and now I'm just trudging through the sludge while keeping my eye on happy moments, of which there are many.

>31 mdoris: Mary, I had The Good Good Pig on my wishlist for a while, but then someone leapt on The Soul of an Octopus last year, and as you may have seen it ended up being among my very favourites in 2016. That book was one of the highlights of the year for sure. In short order I got my hands on the Christopher Hogwood story, and I'd say the odds are good I'll be reading more books by Sy Montgomery. Her passion for the animals and their magical nature is positively infectious.

>32 cammykitty: I will have to look up the Bunnicula series... it looks like I might get in trouble there... In the meantime I've been collecting a rather impressive natural science library in the last several years, and have a plethora of nature writings to chose from. I'm sure you're read the James Herriot books? I really adored All Creatures Great and Small and will more than likely listen to All Things Bright and Beautiful this year.

>44 Smiler69: See that you are slowly getting a bit of traction over here, Ilana. xx

I am sure that 2017 will be a slow burner that works out well for you.

>33 -Cee-: Claudia what a lovely surprise to see you in these parts! You've been missed! Forget about getting H is for Hawk for a CHEAP as you can, and splurge instead on the nicest edition of it you can. It's really that good. I've actually gone and ordered a second edition of it for my latest passion for the Birds and the Bees series... I'll post about that more fully soon... I had a really great reading year in 2016 and look to lots more great reading material in 2017. So far so good!

>34 jnwelch: Hi Joe, and welcome! You know, there's a very good chance I might pick up The Frozen Thames again before the month is over. I loved it so much the first time (i.e. last year) and as I was reading it, was imagining the joy of being familiar with these stories and finding more details to enjoy with each new reading. The Bird Artist is another book I need to get my own copy of, as I will definitely want to reread that one. I feel like I hadn't the capacity to absorb all the riches it had to offer the first time around.

>35 jessibud2: Welcome back Shelley! What an adventure it was getting you back on LT! I have quite a few book now on ornithology and related topics. Coffee table books, and works of fiction, and biographies and what have you. I'll need to plunge in this year, and will definitely keep in mind Sy Montgomery's offering too!

Alright. Must take myself off the computer before I pass out on the keys. Good night and good wishes to all!

>45 PaulCranswick: Hi Paul! We posted at the same moment, looks like. 'Slow and easy' will be my motto this year. For a change. ;-) But seriously, probably more so than before. I want to start paying more attention. That would be my one new year resolution.

Oh, good idea on picking up The Frozen Thames again at this time of year. I feel a reread might be in order for me as well.

The Japanese woodblocks look amazing - I might go and purchase that one myself. Just the kind of art I adore. I hope you are beginning to feel better soon, and 'slow and easy' sounds like an excellent plan for the year, as does paying more attention. There are so many little things in the world that I should notice and don't. I might try and pick up my camera more this year, and play around with taking photos of odd little things.

Hi Ilana it's taken me awhile but I've found you and set my star. Looks like you've gotten your reading year off to a great start, I hope the rest of 2017 falls in line as well. As always, I love your thread topper - this one is so colorful!

Hi ilana, not sure if I've posted here yet. Wishing you all the best for 2017.

>37 LizzieD: mongrel maryjane ;)
That is a great name for it.
Seriously though, Ilana, I'm glad it is working. I worked for a disabled lady many years ago and one of my tasks was to roll joints for her to smoke before bed. It eased the pain and helped her sleep. As I was rolling, I used to marvel that that was what I was doing. (It was illegal there/then)

I gave my mum The Frozen Thames last year, she didn't rave about it as much as I wanted her to! I really liked it though, it was a clever social history.

Was goofing around with the camera settings earlier... this is a filter called 'comic book'. I turned my little photo shoot into an animated gif for fun.

Cool!

Beefing up the contrast makes it look so cool!

>52 Smiler69: You creative cutie!

>53 drneutron: >54 LovingLit: >55 LizzieD: Glad you enjoyed, friends! I added a few more details to the original post. On my Mac there's a photo app called Photo Booth, where they have a bunch of preset filters you can use. This one is 'comic book' and when you see the image enlarged you really get that comic book effect. Of course it was making me crack up as I was taking the shots!

>52 Smiler69:, how fun is that!
I have just reserved The Soul of an Octopus. Thanks for the hot tip!

Hi, Ilana! Love #52. Good to see you goofin'...

^^You missed me up there in #25. Just sayin'...

>52 Smiler69: - Love it! Cool!

>52 Smiler69: wonderful fun with technology!

>52 Smiler69: Great!

>43 Smiler69: Beautiful!

>52 Smiler69: :-)

>37 LizzieD: You've coined it, Peggy: Mongrel Maryjane it is henceforth! And I'll be sure to get a regular supply of it. Gotta love the fact that it's also a great deal, price-wise, which of course one would expect. I'm glad you enjoyed my review. I didn't think I had it in me to write one, but then a lot of whatever reviews I do post lately end up being written like that, sort of off the cuff and without too much reflection, seemingly. I've read a few good reviews of it on the book page. I didn't go in for a description of the plot because I figured you can find that just about everywhere else. I should have reminded myself, in those gloomiest moment of depression over the holiday period and its aftermath, that whatever else 2017 brings, it will more than likely provide lots and lots of good reading. :-)

>39 catarina1: Ada, more than anything, I was surprised that I hadn't come across Cavallini Paper & Co before this month, considering I collect all kinds of paper products and have always had a great love of vintage prints (since-childhood-forever, I mean). True enough I hadn't gone online calendar shopping before, but still, one would have thought I would have come across their notepads. I have drawers and cabinets overfilled with writing pads in all formats! Too bad I don't do much handwriting these days... but that might be a good reason to do more of it? I'd say Amor Towles so far has proved to be a feel-good author. And we all need a good dose of that once in a while!

>40 FAMeulstee: Actually Anita you were right, the idea WAS to keep just one of the calendars, but when I saw the sample images online, I found things to love about all three of them (even though I was leaning on the Japanese woodblocks from the start). I can never get enough vintage or contemporary representations of flora and fauna, and have for some inexplicable reason developed a large collection of books about birds (I say inexplicably because I was never a 'bird person' or did any bird watching, besides loving birds because they are part of the animal kingdom, of which I'm a big fan!). In any case, I ordered all three thinking that I'd pick one for the spot I have in the kitchen dedicated to calendars, but of course now I have them I find them so beautiful I want to keep all three. I won't lie and say I didn't think this might be an eventuality... So. now I've replaced one of my decorative mirrors on the wall behind the computer with the Flora and Fauna calendar, which is a minor work of art. And the Japanese prints is in the kitchen. And the Birds calendar is ostensibly being returned.

Have I mentioned that the print and paper quality and size are such that one would be tempted to frame each image after the year is over?

>41 souloftherose: Heather, I think you made just about the perfect pick for your foray into Audible! I just listened to Born a Crime a few weeks ago and it was definitely among my favourite books AND audiobooks of 2016. He gives such a wonderful performance, and the ease with which he slides from one local accent to another is astounding and give so much more colour to the reading!

Do you know, I don't think I've ever come across that 'knock me for six' expression before? Obviously typically British! Sorry the hubby has been unwell. Sick men are just so pathetic, aren't they? It always seems so much worse when they get ill compared to us women, all too used to dealing with physical upheavals! My spirits have definitely improved since the deep darknesses I reached down to around the holidays. I have some issues that need resolving, that is, I need to communicate with my mother what it is that is stopping me from communicating with her. See my trouble? I did make a lot of headway by sending her an email saying I had some not necessarily pleasant things that needing dealing with between her and I, and she encouraged me to share in any way that is easiest for me. Now, to get going...

I looked back on my rating and review of Rules of Civility, because I remember enjoying it, yet being very annoyed with the author for so obviously pandering to the reader. I must have a twisted Russian soul or something. ;-)

>41 souloftherose:, >65 Smiler69:

I don't think I've ever come across that 'knock me for six' expression before? Obviously typically British!

Worse than just British---cricket. :D

>48 lunacat: Jenny, I often find it that I don't stop to enjoy things slowly more often, considering the lifestyle I have and the fact that I have all my time at my disposal to do such things. It's just habit I guess... keeping busy with unimportant tasks to make me feel like I'm up to something, I guess.

I am keeping the Japanese woodblocks—hanging in the kitchen right now, as I adore the image they have for January and didn't want to miss another second of it. Also keeping the Flora and Fauna one, which is on the wall just in front of where I sit now. I wasn't lacking for decor, but just thought it would bring a bright spot there.

The Frozen Thames. Need to put the book aside before I forget all about it again. Not making plans is great, but it's also confusing trying to choose a book among the thousand of options available just here in my own home!

>49 DeltaQueen50: Lovely to see you in these parts, Judy! You did well to wait a bit before dropping by, because I'm still constructing this thread and only put up those thread toppers in the last couple of days or so. I needed something super bright and cheerful to look at every time I log into this thread, and it certainly does the trick for me! Glad you enjoy it too.

>50 avatiakh: Hi Kerry! I'm very confident that 2017 will be filled with great books. Other than that, who knows?

>51 LovingLit: Ha! Funny story about you rolling joints for a disabled lady. Of course I can't help but wonder how you came to develop that skill in the first place... ;-) but I won't ask and you need not tell!

Sorry your mum didn't appreciate The Frozen Thames at it's full and just value. Stick to this crowd... we know how to love books to bits and spread the word to likely adopters as well!

>57 mdoris: Mary, The Soul of an Octopus was another feel-good read for me. Sy Montgomery's enthusiasm and love for the animal world is all-encompassing and enthusiastically shared in her writing. I always knew Octopuses were incredibly intelligent, and here we get to meet several interesting critters. I determined never to eat octopus again after reading this book. The only frustrating thing about it I'd say lies in the very nature of the beast: it is so vastly and completely different from human beings that we can barely conceive of how octopuses see and understand the world.

>58 msf59: Hi Mark. Sorry I didn't respond directly to your earlier post. I felt it was beyond me to respond individually to every New Year greeting when I was depressed about going into such a scary future to begin with... also, because I'm having trouble following LT, I decided to do like a few other posters and not necessarily respond to every single post if I had nothing to add. I do appreciate each visit and comment, but sometimes responses end up being more like filler than real communications, if you know what I mean. Also, I suppose I take away from Facebook that you don't have to respond to every single 'like' or passing comment. Admittedly, a new year greeting isn't the same, but I think I've explained... xx

***

Glad you all enjoyed my goofing off gif! They're super easy to put together: just find a site on google, drop you pics in and it's all done for you!

***

>66 lyzard: Oh dear me Liz, you slipped in there between a few comments of mine and I almost missed you. CRICKET, eh? I see what you mean... ;-)

>64 Smiler69: My father used to get very beautiful calenders with modern art, when he was working and I did frame some of them. I still have two hanging in our house. So I understand your line of thought, Ilana!

Ilana, you would probably love the Workman Publishing page a day calendars. There are many themes (dog, cats, birds) but I have chosen for you the "art" theme. I have used these calendars to make cards after the year ends, so I no longer buy greeting cards.
https://www.amazon.ca/Page-Day-Gallery-Calendar-2017/dp/0761188614/ref=pd_sim_14...



Let me know if the image on your thread is not what you want and I can take it out! Don't know the "rules' or protocol about these things!

My third reread so far this year was Muriel Spark's Memento Mori. It was a great favourite when I picked it up the first time in 2011 (a few months before joining this group), and I'd wanted to reread it ever since, but unfortunately it didn't make the same impression on me this time. The story is about a group of elderly people, some of which are in a home, and others who probably ought to be in nursing homes. Several individuals receive what they believe are crank calls from a person who calls them by name as says "remember you must die". This of course causes outrage and the police is called in to investigate. One particularity about the case is that each person describes the caller as a completely different person; he is young, he is old and sophisticated, he is gruff and unschooled, it is a child, etc...

However, this novel didn't work for me so well this time. I think the fact that I have an elderly friend (going on 98 in March) presently recuperating from a second broken hip and that I've had complications with her family and caretaker makes me find old age and its vagaries less amusing, and I felt less like an observer somehow despite Spark's dark humour which usually appeals to me tremendously. Once again proving that timing... is everything. All the same, I've decided not to change my rating from the original 4.5, as I know that I may very well find it to my liking if I read it again at another time and during different circumstances.

>69 FAMeulstee: Anita, I've had so many calendars over the years I've thought of doing that with... maybe this time it will happen for real!

>70 mdoris: Hi Mary, what a lovely calendar! I can see why you'd make greeting cards with it. I was very temped when I saw the Cavallini offerings to get a desk calendar as well, but truth is my desk, which is huge, is also hugely cluttered all the time and it would probably just get lost among all the flotsam and jetsam! Thank you for posting that beautiful image. There is no rule at all as far as posting things on my thread, as long as it is pleasing to look at. The move visuals the better, as far as I'm concerned, so thank you! ;-)

>12 DianaNL: >13 FAMeulstee: >14 The_Hibernator: >15 PaulCranswick: >16 drneutron: >17 jeanned: >18 lyzard: >20 luvamystery65: >21 calm: >23 Fourpawz2: >25 msf59: A belated thank you for your New Year wishes. Once again, I was in a bad place a couple of weeks ago and the very idea of a new year, with all the political uncertainties looming ahead was terrifying me more than anything, so I was literally unable to take in the wishes, much less to reply to them at the time. I hope I am forgiven for being such a moody and unpredictable little beast.

Rachel, thanks for your Rooster visual, which reminded me that we are indeed the year of the Rooster now, and this alone should give me some reassurance as I am a Rooster and things ought to go well for me this year, I suppose, considering. Perhaps it would be safest to consult a site which will tell me what is in store for me... ;-)

Calm, I meant to thank you especially for dropping by, because you'd gone very quiet for a long time, and I'm very pleased to see you are joining in the group once again.

Please, be patient with me. I'm finding doing the round of threads very intimidating: I tend not to like to skip over all the messages and just leave a random comment, but this also means it takes me a very long time to get through each thread, so something in my approach will have to change, though I'm not sure how since I prefer having real conversations as opposed to glib page-filler. We're all doing our best, right? I must say though I am forever grateful to be part of this group and though I may not interact directly as often as I should, I'm often on the site, looking at your various books collections, looking at ratings and reading reviews.

Going forward, as I've said before, I will try to respond to those comments which invite a response, but please don't take offence if I skip over messages. It may be a simple oversight, or I may simply not know what to add. Fair enough?

I hear your plea, Ilana. I think it is reasonable and fair. I am back with LT this year for the books and an occasional "visit". I'll admit it does "scare" me a bit though. I think very highly of my LT friends and will always try not to take or give offense. I'll try to flit around a bit, comment at times, and dodge BBs as I can :-)

You, my dear, have unconditional permission to skip or not respond to my messages and/or thread. I know you have a kind and generous heart and do not mean to offend. And yes, we all do our best in our own way. btw, if anything is ever important enough and I need to get your attention, you'll know it! Hugs.

Thanks for the review of Memento Mori. I've had it for a few years and every time I think to read it, I change my mind - it felt grim or a little unsettling - so I've passed it by. I know what you mean by the right time to read something.

Hi Claudia, Hi Ada! I have every intention of answering you both. But it's late and I need to feed myself. I keep putting it off, because 'just that one last article' on the net. I'm going to have to start downgrading on the use of FB and news outlets in general, even though I've renewed my subscriptions to all of them.



I wanted to mention that I'm about to start listening to A Really Good Day: How Microdosing Made a Mega Difference in My Mood, My Marriage, and My Life by Ayelet Waldman. Waldman is an author who also happens to be married to Michael Chabon. This is a book Kerry told me about sometime in November I think (according to the date I put it on my wishlist), and I just happened to see it featured this evening on the Audible homepage, as it is an editor recommendation. Ayelet describes how she attempted to regulate her mood disorder with micro-doses of LSD (the hallucinogenic also known as 'acid'). Lord knows I experimented plenty with that stuff in my teens, but never did it occur to me to try this approach! Of course, migraines were just an occasional annoyance back then...



On a related topic, I finished listening to Joan Didion's The White Album just before Christmas. I loved her style and personal experience approach to essay writing, but so many of the issues and people she was writing about were very specific to time and place that parts of it went right over my head. But the piece I MOST appreciated (unsurprisingly) is the one she wrote about her challenge in dealing with a lifelong migraine condition. I could certainly relate, and I also learned some things. She was quite convinced genetics played a large role, and so am I. One of the things I learned was that at the time of writing (sometime in the early 70s I think) microdosing of LSD was one of the approaches taking to helping give relief to migraine sufferers. As I understand it, it wasn't exactly a common treatment, but one available all the same. If I'm not mistaken, LSD was originally developed to help migraine sufferers, and only afterward did it come to be used for it's hallucinogenic properties by recreational users. Something to think about for sure...

>74 -Cee-: Claudia: here's an idea. Pick five threads. Visit those five threads during the week. Or don't. Or do what you want. Pick jut one. Make it mine. :-) Then come visit. And I promise I'll reply to you, since you've been away for so very long and I've missed you a lot. Whether you manage to dodge BBs or not is not really a question of life and death now, is it? ;-)

>75 catarina1: Ada, there are several books on old age that are among my favourites, and now I know a lot of it has to do with the timing at play when I picked them up. Another jewel of a novel is All Passion Spent by Vita Sackville-West, which I am likely to reread this year. Of course it'll be a complete surprise to find out how I react to it in these current times, but I look back at one of the passages I transcribed in my review (https://www.librarything.com/work/19243/reviews/87144666), and it does tempt me very much still:

“On the contrary, said Lady Slane, that is another thing about which I've made up my mind. I’m going to become completely self indulgent. I’m going to wallow in old age. No grand-children, they’re too young; not one of them has reached forty-five. No great grandchildren either, that would be worse. I want no strenuous young people who are not content with doing a thing, but must needs know why they do it. And I don’t want them bringing their children to see me, for it will only remind me of the terrible effort the poor creatures will have to make before they reach the end of their lives in safety. I prefer to forget about them. I want no one about me except those who are nearer to their death than to their birth.”

I have a wonderful audio version of it narrated by Dame Wendy Hiller, but I'd give almost anything to get my hands on this gorgeous green Virago:



eta: couldn't resist. Just ordered the above from Abe. Let's hope it's in good condition when it gets here. And now... supper! :-O

>77 Smiler69:

There's a BBC adaptation starring Dame Wendy, although I don't know how readily available it might be.

>78 lyzard: That would explain why she narrated the audiobook version. I thought I recalled there had been an adaptation she'd starred in. Will have to find it!

Alas, I just went to order the japanese woodblock calendar as I felt it would brighten up TheBoyfriends walls, and he might like it. But it seems the only place I can get them online, it is out of stock. Ah well, c'est la vie, it is probably not something I need to be spending money on anyway!

>80 lunacat: Jenny, I just found one for you! I just PMd you the link. Good luck! It's really gorgeous... xo

#10: ♫ A Really Good Day: How Microdosing Made a Mega Difference in My Mood, My Marriage, and My Life by Ayelet Waldman ★★★★½

This book came to my attention a few months before its release, when Kerry mentioned that it might be of interest to me. Ayelet Waldman, like me, also suffers from mood disorders and according to her, she has taken just about every pharmaceutical drug available on the market, AND suffered all the accompanying side-effects. Treating a mood disorder such as bipolar disorder is complicated business and usually involves a whole drug cocktail to stabilize both the highs and lows. Approaching menopause, Waldman found that she was becoming more and more out of control, and the feeling she was putting her marriage at risk with repeated angry outbursts along with suicidal thoughts prompted her to seek a solution.

Having studied a book on the subject of microdosing which provided helpful guidelines, and not least of all, having procured a small vial of LSD from a mysterious source, she decided to become her own research subject for a month-long trial which involved taking minute amounts of LSD every three days and journaled any changes she was able to perceive over this period. At the kind of doses she was taking (about one-tenth of a standard hallucinogenic dose), the user experiences no hallucinatory effects whatsoever. Instead, she describes the overall effect of the experience as providing a feeling that one is more focused, more in control and with the general impression that one is just having... a really good day.

Waldman makes it very clear that she is by no means a typical drug user and that in fact, with her background as a Federal public defender, she is probably more cautious than most. She did a lot of reading and research on LSD to discover that it is actually a relatively safe drug and that one is unlikely to ever overdose on it. Furthermore, she was very much against the idea of 'tripping out' or getting high in any way. The doses she was taking did not produce psychotropic effects, which leads Waldman to make some very good points on the merits of legalization of drugs, which might be beneficial for treating individual who do not respond to other pharmaceutical drug regimens. She makes good points on why there is a need replace the ineffective and ultimately racist 'war on drugs', and develop a more practical approach to drug use, to, among other things, allow for more clinical trials and ultimately to give adults a right to decide for themselves whether they would like to alter their consciousness with drugs or not.

I would not say this is a 'general interest' book. I had a keen interest in it because it treats on a subject that is very close to me, but I can imagine that someone expecting to read about wild LSD experimentation will be sorely disappointed. My high rating reflects the interest level I had in the information this book procured, and it left me thinking I myself might be a candidate for this kind of treatment.

So pleased that Waldman's book was a beneficial read. You've written a really excellent review too. Did she include a bibliography or any other reading on the subject?

>52 Smiler69: Cute! xx

>82 Smiler69: Interesting coincidence because I had a little blow up at Kyran this morning after his mother discovered quite a stash of weed in his room. In Malaysia it doesn't pay to play the fool with drugs and he looked to be more than micro dosing! I know it is recreational and, to be honest I am not opposed to mild use of the stuff, but I don't want him to get caught with the stuff.

>83 avatiakh: Thanks Kerry for mentioning it to me when you did. I found the idea very intriguing when you initially mentioned the book, and am left still wondering how I can try this for myself while minimizing harmful risks. The audiobook didn't include a bibliography, though the print or ebook might, since she does mention reading several books on the subject. I didn't take notes and so can't remember titles, unfortunately.

>84 PaulCranswick: Oh dear... reading your message I seemed to recall reading about how strict Malaysian drugs laws are and just now found it mentioned in an article on 'The World's Scariest Places to be Busted For Drugs'. No wonder you blew your top. Let me just say, I am very lucky to be living somewhere where cannabis, while it isn't yet legal, but is tolerated for recreational use and available to buy openly for medical use. At a certain age, a lot of kids are bound to want to experiment with alcohol and drugs, though most won't go beyond having a few joints here and there. The approach that Ayelet Waldman suggests is one of 'harm reduction' as opposed to all-out interdiction on her kids to do drugs, which she says is more in keeping with the reality that young adults are bound to experiment with life in general. Actually, she didn't say that exactly, I did, but I'll wrap this up by saying I do see why you wouldn't want Kyran to get caught considering how draconian the laws can be where you are living. I'd get upset too. :-\

  

Picked up The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead last night. So far, so great. Finished listening to American Housewife: Stories by Helen Ellis just before that. It came highly recommended on a few book lists. The first couple of stories were very funny, then the collection became a bit uneven, but overall it was a worthwhile read, with some stories I will probably want to revisit.

>86 Smiler69: - I am #10 in a list of 20 waiting for The Underground Railroad from the library. Hopefully, it will get to me within a week or so. I put my name on the list around 2 weeks ago!

>87 jessibud2: That's not so bad actually, Shelley. To help you put things in perspective, I waited just over a full year to get the audio versions of The Martian and The Girl on the Train from the library. Thankfully, I ended up enjoying both quite a lot, though I know the latter, unlike the former, wasn't to everybody's taste.

I'm giving my mother one last chance to act like a caring MOTHER and not like the world's biggest bitch when I try to talk to her about why I can't talk to her. Goddamn it. Had to tell her she needs to take a couple of days before replying to me from now on or I will not read her answers. I am livid. WHAT A BITCH.

Ok, sorry about that little outburst. I evidently need to call my therapist, whom I haven't been seeing for the last several years now. Need to call her so she can help me get through this period of trying to communicate with my mother in a way that will address our interpersonal challenges, shall we say. (yucky mother/daughter drama ahead) I haven't seen her since Christmas 2003 in France, where she's been living ever since. She has a sainthood complex and so is making do with living under the poverty line in a small depressed town 50 km from Toulouse. They have medieval tanneries there that have been disused for ages. Many artists live there, and she spends her time between teaching legal and illegal immigrant to speak enough French and have the basics of education so they can show they are trained to hold jobs and can become legitimate French citizens. Sometimes she takes them into her teeny tiny little house. She's a very active activist (always has been), and she puts in a lot of time and effort in helping these young men (it usually seems to be young men from Africa), putting at least one or two up, teaching them basics, helping them write CVs, going to court with them and so on. When she doesn't do that she writes. I don't know how many novels so far, but one of her early ones a major award-winner, in my view. I wish I knew how to get it published by a big house that can promote it. She's not a very happy woman. She feels stuck where she is apparently. She's bitter about her writing not getting published. She has practically no relationship with her daughter, other than occasional emails and FB presence (with only occasional interaction)... She's never been good at, or wanted, or very much tried to put a good face on things. She's always been a fighter right there in the trenches where things get ugly. I admire her for always fighting on, but I don't have nearly enough energy and never have to follow her act. I told her today, after she responded to me in a way that pissed me off, because so seemingly lacking in empathy, that she never wanted to be a mother, what she wanted was to have an experiment in mothering. I never forgave her for deciding when I was 17 and just coming out of a terrible phase of my life (running away for a few weeks at 14-15 and squatting apartments with ex-convicts and a pimp 17-year old boyfriend, among other things, then a stint in reform school, then studying hard to catch up what I'd missed) that she'd finished her mothering job and I was ready to make it out in the world on my own. Never could forgive her because I was not ready to be thrown out of the nest. And she was not ready to be nurturing any more than what she decided to hand out. Now, I always get 'you're an adult now'. Which is an excuse for anything. For sharing highly inappropriate information, for withholding approval and being judgemental, for always talking with gloves off, as if I was one of her warrior chums. I could go on. I'm venting, and I know this is a public venue, where anyone can come to read this. I haven't kept up my blogging, and this should more probably go there, but I've made such good friends here, and I know they will read me with empathy, and I include my father in there, who visits me here regularly as I understand it (hi Zeev!), I forbad him from making comments here because he's extremely lazy about his spelling and writes everything phonetically with his Israeli accent, and his incredibly creative spelling was horribly embarrassing to me, because I've always been a reader, and I know he was a reader at some point too, and I could wish he'd make more of an effort. It's exhausting, having children for parents, let me tell you! xo

eta: I want to add that reading Bleak House for the first time was a huge revelation on many levels, because Dickens was such a master storyteller for one, but the character of Mrs Pardiggle was a revelation in itself. Unlike that lady, my mum fights the good fight and makes a real difference in peoples lives, but I always felt she neglected to throw a bit more care where it was needed most: at home where I was struggling with my own mental illness.

{{Ilana}}

That's all, just hugs.

^ What she said.

((((hugs)))) to you Ilana!
I can relate with a difficult mother and a difficult relation with a mother...

I have been visiting my parents a bit more since my brother died in July. Once a month instead once every two months and that has taken me down. Last Chrismas my mother was her awfull bitchy self again, no one is right but her :-(
So I am going to try to visit less this year. Sad for my dad, who I do love. It will never change, so I have to protect myself...

Parents are indeed exhausting. I'm trying to get my mother to take more responsibility for her life..........so far, little luck. Her neediness drives me mad. It seems a lot of us have issues so can certainly sympathise.

Oh dear, thought I'd starred you, but apparently not. Sorry to be so late to the party. I think you are in for a powerful read with Underground Railroad. I went to an event with him this Fall and wrote up a synopsis over on my thread. A very interesting man. Link here: http://www.librarything.com/topic/245584#5879557

And big {{{HUGS}}} Even the best of mother/daughter relationships can be fraught at times.

Some virtual hugs from me too. You are brave to share here on the open forum though I'd suggest you maybe tuck it behind a spoiler alert. Your mother sounds to be a much more different/difficult person to have a mother/daughter relationship with than most of us would be used to.
I'm happy that you do have your better relationship with your father as he is possibly the only one who truly understands what you are going through. All I can say is that your mother is an adult and responsible for her actions, you must stand up for yourself and your right to keep yourself (mentally) safe. You and your health have to be your most important focus.

Thank you for all the virtual hugs and support. Kerry suggested I might want to put a spoiler alert for my post in #90, and I followed her advice. I'm sure most people visiting don't want to read about a lot of interpersonal drama. That being said, now it's coming to a head in a way, I probably need more emotional support than usual. Still need to call that therapist...

>91 jessibud2: Thank you Shelley. It has been an intense 24 hours. Couldn't sleep all night from nervousness about our latest exchanges and went to bed around noon today. Slept a few hours, but I'm hoping I can interrupt the weird sleep cycle and try going to bed earlier so I can actually see daylight tomorrow...

>92 drneutron: Thanks Jim. Sorry for oversharing. Always been a thing with me.

>93 FAMeulstee: I guess it's a sad fact that relationships between parents and children are fraught with difficulties. I've probably spent far too much time wishing things could be different and there could be more understanding between us, but there is a lack of will to empathize that is making that extremely difficult. I don't want to say 'impossible' because I still have hope we can work something out, somehow. But yes, when others aren't willing to meet us halfway, then we have no choice but to look after ourself first and foremost. Peace of mind demands it.

>94 lunacat: Reading your words Jenny, I can't help but think (once again) that perhaps my mum describes ME the way your describe yours! Does she think I'm too needy with my repeated requests for more compassion and less judgment? For asking for regular chit-chat exchanges so we can have some sort of ongoing rapport? I seem to have hit a wall with that now infamous 'chit chat' request. I wonder if using a different phrasing might have helped. Is it terrible of me that I'm 47 and still longing for some age-appropriate mothering?? I hate that I'm that stereotypical adult with a 'failed' life who blames her parenting for her troubles. I don't want to be that person. And yet...

>95 michigantrumpet: Hi Marianne! Please, no worries about being 'late'. I'm only just slowly starting to make the rounds on LT. I've just got a couple of hours left with The Underground Railroad and you're right, 'powerful' is a great way to describe this novel. I haven't read anything else by Colson Whitehead yet, though I was very curious about his Zone One when it came out, but then since I'm not usually overfond of zombies, didn't really make any efforts to get my hands on it. Have you read anything else by him yet? Thanks for the hugs, I really can use them today.

>96 avatiakh: Kerry, I honestly don't think I'm all that brave, quite the contrary in fact. It's a million times easier to share my personal issues here than to broach them with the interested party in question. I know for a fact she will not have received what I had to tell her well. I'm not allowed to criticize because she made so many sacrifices for me and had such a hard time of it, is how the story goes. Goodness knows my father and I have had our share of issues (hi Zeev!), but we came to some kind of understanding at some point, that it was probably healthier to concentrate on trying to have pleasant and easy interchanges in the present than anything else. I don't know why this seems so hard (almost impossible) to do with her. She basically spelled out to me that given the unpleasant circumstances which make her unable to leave the little town she lives in for even brief excursions (namely, lack of funds), she'd rather concentrate on the life around her and make the best of it. That's just great, but I'm not sure where that leaves me if she ever expects me to go visit her. There is this idea floating around her head that a face-to-face meeting will somehow help us overcome all the difficulties between us. I just find that utterly unrealistic. The idea of going over there and leaving my loving animals and safe home for a completely unknown experience in a foreign territory is just too scary to envisage. Especially as the trip in 2003 was a disaster. I had a short fantasy yesterday after seeing a really cute clip from A Granny's Guide to the Modern World a friend shared on my FB page (the grannies go to Amsterdam to experiment with cannabis in the following segment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDvFmb2Y1l8) that I might go over there and stay for a few days with her, sandwiched between visits to Amsterdam, where I can wander the museums and coffee shops and take my mind off more stressful things with legal 'self-medication'... Would require the kind of budget not worth thinking about. And still... the idea of parting with my brood!

Well done for opening up. A problem share is a problem halved and all that. Parental relationships are often difficult but they are pretty much ones which you will always at some stage want to go back and revisit. Take care. xx

I hope that this all works out for you but I fear that all will be unsettled in the short run. I have very few relatives still living - just my son and his family. And I've spent the past month being pretty annoyed with him so I'm not going to be very good at giving advice. Just to say that all of us here will be supporting you as well as we can. And I echo what Paul said about the importance of getting things out in the open. But also it is important to realize what things we can change, and what we can't and then figure out how to deal with that.

(((Hugs))) Ilana.

>99 catarina1: Ada, I know so many of us are struggling with our parents and children and in-laws and what have you... it just all gets so much more muddled and complicated when there are clear markers of mental illness in the family on top of everything else... kind of like a series of Pandora boxes which get confused and shuffled around. So yes, I do know that things won't get easier in the short or medium term for sure. Which is where the therapist comes in. I need to wake up during the daytime and make sure I get an appointment with her. One of the key problem arises when reasonable requests are being made and rebuffed for no good reason other than 'that's not how I do things'. I do understand that coming from a 70 year-old woman these words have quite a lot of weight, but when you've always heard her say them, they tend to have lost all meaning. I think I will consider Buddhism for a time. Not actually become one, but will reflect on buddhism and its offshoots and its many useful lessons for challenging times.

>100 DeltaQueen50: Thank you Judy. xox

>98 PaulCranswick: Oops, sorry Paul. A problem shared is halved... to a certain degree I would say I agree with that statement. Doing as best I can. My Charley keeps me smiling. xo

Hi Ilana, I haven't been to your 2017 thread yet (actually because I was feeling bad about my last post on your 2016 thread... ). Skimmed over most posts except for the spoilered one.
I'm sending you lots of {{{hugs}}} and emotional support.
I'm trying to accept that if parents weren't the loving caring ones every child deserves, usually because they carried their own heavy bags, they usually aren't coming round in later years. I guess we have to learn to look after ourselves first and to stop expecting things from them they're unable to give us (like unconditional love or an end to emotional manipulation tactics). I don't know if it is also a post-war generation thing.

Ah, the joys of mental illness in both parent and child as well. It adds to the complications doesn't it! I think with my mother, it's a frustration that I spent from very early on feeling the need to look after her (after my dad died) and now I'm an adult and struggling with the same things she does, I feel like..........not to sound awful........I do a better job of it than she does. But she dismisses me every time I even suggest slightly that I might know how hard it is, and that my own experiences have shown me that there is a huge amount to be gained from being proactive in seeking help, however awful that feels. I *know* what depression and anxiety do to a person. I *know* - as much as anyone can know what another is going through - what those battles are, but any tip or words of wisdom or sympathy I offer is thrown back.

I am extremely bad at trying to connect with her, but I find her so exhausting it's better for both of us if I limit things. But I don't think it's unduly harsh of me to expect a 60+ year old woman to be able to arrange things like phone and internet connection in a new house, and getting registered at a new doctors? What drives me mad is that she can do all these things perfectly willingly when SHE wants to. When she will gain attention from it. But at other times.........

The attention seeking behaviour is also getting worse, and not particularly attractive or easy to deal with at her age. It's become very toddleresque at times. I hope it's subconscious but it wears me down all the same. Now I am more alert for it, my boyfriend and I have started responding accordingly, reducing the attention we give her when she is being deliberately difficult, and increasing it when she does something positive. It just feels ridiculous to be employing these techniques with a grown woman. She sees herself as having a hard life, and yet it's not at all. But these things are all comparative I guess.

Oops, I said too much again. I don't think it's bad to want a relationship with your mother. It has taken me a lot of self-preservation work to get to where I am with mine, and it's ongoing. This year has been a massive blip, and I've found her very very hard at times. I know she wants far far more from me than I have the emotional energy to give, but I need to get better at offering what I can. It is a tricky one when the relationships have to undergo such big adjustments and it certainly sounds like you're looking for something that your mother perhaps isn't ever going to be able to give, so maybe that's an issue you could work on with a therapist. I fear I've given up on my own mother ever being able to be the adult in our relationship any more, but I refuse to become her carer, or enable her 'victim' needs, so often I have to be cruel to be kind.

>103 Deern: >104 lunacat: I'm addressing you both together for now, Nathalie, Jenny, to say that I appreciate your individual voices and the life experience behind them very much.

(mother/daughter stuff)I guess at issue with my mom, or what makes it a present-day problem, is that she is under the impression that a visit from me is imminent. I've indicated to her many times that communication between us needs to improve to what I know it can be before I will consider making the trip to France, as I don't have funds, and am keeping myself that way with overspending (a habit of mine my whole adult life anyway) until I feel I can handle a visit with her, emotionally. The last trip, well over a decade ago was a disaster, and I spent my time there ruing my decision to visit and crying a whole lot (she was then married to my step-father which complicated matters). The food was amazing, as it always is, and the few times she and I managed to have time alone together, or at least without his presence were nice on the whole, but I was shocked when I heard them having conversations together at how they passed judgment at absolutely everyone and everything. That really made a strong impression on me, for some reason. I also spent a few days in Paris more or less by myself, a city I adore, and that was marvellous of course, though I also recall feeling really melancholy about the visit I’d just had.

Nowadays communication is limited to very occasional emails. No phone calls ever. Apparently they are not possible because of technicalities on her side which are completely incomprehensible to me. Last time I called her, there were French election results coming in, and she had me wait on the phone (we hadn't talked for at least a couple of years at that point) until the results where in. This is a few years ago. Possibly 3 or 4 or even 5. I completely lose track of time. Just this week, I heard Michelle Obama say on an Oprah Christmastime interview that she went to sleep early as she always does on election night and only learned the result the next morning. I thought that was really interesting, and from a personal point of view, too. We tried skyping some years back but the connection between Canada and France was faulty, and each attempt was really unnerving. In other words: not a whole lot has passed between us in a long time now.

She keeps telling me when the subject comes up (not very often mind you, but regularly) that she thinks a face-to-face get-together is the only way to clear the air and that merely being in each others' presence is enough. I know from having lived with her for some 15 years and from visits to her as an adult, that her presence alone can be incredibly oppressive to me. She broods. Things are always intensely serious. She's capable of thinking on so many more levels, has read more books than I'll ever be able to (even at my current rate) is so psychologically complex, she scares me. She can be incredibly silly and funny too and we have a lot of fun then, but that is the exception and not the rule. I don't want to go to her tiny little town and stay in her tiny little house with all that emotional baggage between us. I think that situation, the idea of it I mean, is part of what has me not wanting to get out of bed at a decent hour on a daily basis. That and Trump as POTUS, but yeah.

She's offered many a time to ask her anything I need to if it'll help clear the air. Thing is, asking her things is the last thing I want, because too often the answer is shocking and painful and has me trying to recover emotionally for a really long time afterward (as in, forever more). That's the truth. So in this case, it isn't so much that she's absent (which she is), but more that she expects a visit, when none can come from me as long as I feel as scared and insecure with her as I do.

eta: When I wrote this, I found I'd managed to explain really clearly what was going on, something I hadn't been able to do by myself somehow. This is where opening up and talking to others can help put things in focus and perspective. In fact, things with her are incredibly messy right now, because I felt provoked into throwing a bunch of things at her in anger, when I'd tried to enter into a proper dialogue and failed, and of course she is hurt and offended and disbelieving, I guess. Anyway, all this to say I copied the above, saying this was probably the clearest message I could convey to her, and isn't it funny I have an easier time addressing her when I'm not trying to directly talk to her... such is life. A tricky thing it is, too.

In reading news, I finished listening to The Underground Railroad while working on my RIP Rat drawing. Really very good. I must say that as a Canadian though, I have an incredibly difficult time with slave stories because it makes me extremely critical of the USA... angry, actually, which of course taints the reading experience. That being said, I found a good part of the novel surprised me with a different approach, though I couldn't say what was different about it right now.

Currently listening:



Night by Elie Wiesel.

Not 'easy' listening by any means, but beautifully told.

I posted this meme on facebook and got a tremendous response, like nothing I've seen before, from friends and complete strangers alike. Feel free to play along!

I've been here, Ilana, and I offer hugs too and the wholly inappropriate thought that I wish I had a daughter and I wish she could be you.
You know I loved The Underground Railroad, which I also read with anger and some degree of guilt. My people did that.
Something from my childhood, eh? How about not knowing a single black person my age in a town where a third of the population was black?

>109 LizzieD: Peggy: my heart reaches out to you more than ever before right now. I've always had a deep appreciation for the connection we have, and I consider you among my best LT friends. I also appreciate our interactions on FB. I... after my mother provoked me into lashing out, I reiterated that regular daily contact might be a really very good thing so that we can develop some kind of relationship in the present with the means at hand instead of letting each of us stew in our memories of each other and whatever has stuck in imperfect memories (somehow, usually the bad stuff sticks most with me, sad sad sad, I know). She claims she doesn't 'use facebook that way'. But she needs to be taught a lesson methinks, because for the past decade or close to it, she wins the Award of the Absent Mom... like... SERIOUSLY.

We worked out in therapy and with my psychiatrists quite a few years ago that my underpinning of deep melancholy is also laced with clear symptoms of PTSD, and as I was writing today it came to me that that is the very reason why all this is looking for some kind of resolution right now, because I'm making daily life more than livable by surrounding myself with layers and layers of cottony clouds of protection. Strange, phantasmagoric, vivid dreams have always been my nightly companions. I do wish that could stop. Or I mean... happen a little bit less often?

I never realized you never had a daughter. Sure, I'm up for adoption right now! :-)

>109 LizzieD: On the other matter... (coming up, it's a complicated matter for me too, as you can imagine.)

For those of you who aren't on Facebook but who visit me here, just grabbed a screen capture of my page, with my latest post being what I guess is a poem I came up with today. You can zoom in if you're having trouble reading.

Just took this one a short while ago. I call it 'Domestic night scene with messy desk'.

>113 Smiler69: - Ilana, it is obvious that you have not been in y house. Your desk does not look messy to me, not at all, lol!

>108 Smiler69: - I remember going outside to play, (no bike helmet) and being told to be home by dinner or before it gets dark. We had a lot more freedom and feeling of safety, as kids.

Ilana, thank you for being so open about the problems between you and your mother. My heart goes out to both of you for what you have missed. Mother-daughter relationships are tricky as my dear departed mother would attest to. I'm glad my only daughter and I for the most part have avoided most of that angst. Hugs to you.

I enjoyed your comments on A Gentleman in Moscow and the comparison to Grand Hotel. I'll be on the lookout for GH thanks to you.

Hi, Ilana.

Hugs from me, too. I agree with Paul - great job of sharing, and so often that can be helpful in itself.

>82 Smiler69: Fascinating review, thanks. I have people I'm close to who struggle with mood disorders, and this sounds like a promising possibility. I sure would wish many, many "really good days" for them, in place of days when they struggle and hurt so much.

Ok... cRAzY day. Been up since 4 PM-ish yesterday. I think a nap is in order. I've been coping with survival rebel tactics all day, and couldn't help myself from doing a little cut & paste job... :-D

>117 Smiler69: - Bwahahahaha!

>117 Smiler69: LOL!!

>117 Smiler69: I would wish.

:D

I moped around all day. I guess it's done.
Somebody organize me!
Meanwhile, consider the adoption done and courage for keeping after Mother #1.

I completely ignored "the ceremony that dare not speak its name", as someone here on LT called it. On the other hand, loved this photo of the Women's March in Boston - 100,000 strong. Don't all those pussy hats cheer your soul? Hang in there Sister!

>123 michigantrumpet: - I saw a few of those pussy hats today on my way downtown. Saw some the other day too, in advance of the march! We had a meetup of some book friends this afternoon and one of our group arrived late, with a large poster in hand. She had come from the Toronto march!

>122 LizzieD: I've been dragging myself around too, Peggy. I didn't watch any part of it, save for one of the balls, a clip on which I spent some time to grab a few screen captures of the man in question looking properly smug as he dances with all the grace of a grizzly bear. I've notice mother #1 is interacting with me on fb more in the last few days, so it does look like she's trying to keep up her end.

>123 michigantrumpet: 100,000 people on that march! That's great! I wonder how many there were marching worldwide today? I considered going to the Montreal march, but finally backed out of it as I do most things, largely because my sleep schedule is so disrupted. But I was with the marching women in spirit! One of my fb updated her profile pic with one of her wearing a pussy hat. Very cute!

>124 jessibud2: Yay for women sticking together! I'm sure the donald had plenty to say about the march in question! :-)

I finally picked up Neil Gaiman's Fortunately the Milk a really very fun children's story told by a father who claims he's been on all kinds of wild adventures on his way back from buying milk at the store. Also read a collection of short stories by Guy de Maupassant.

I had picked up Night by Elie Wiesel and listened to it halfway through before realising the tracks were all jumbled up again. I hate it when that happens! I've decided to listen to a couple of other books before starting the book all over again. It's a heavy subject for sure, but the writing is so beautiful that it makes this personal story about the holocaust entirely bearable.

In the meantime, I picked up Throne of Jade by Naomi Novik, the second book in the Temeraire series for a bit of light adventure.

A few days in and trump is doing a wonderful job at mobilising the population into heightened political awareness. Reckon he didn't bank on that though.

Have a wonderful weekend. Night is one of my absolute favourite books. I am pleased to say you don't have to be big to pack a punch. xx

Hi Ilana!
>113 Smiler69: How does a "mess" look so beautiful????

I think I want to read Night again. I might get more out of it the second time around - though I did like it a lot the first time.

Thinking of you often and hoping you can find peace with your Mom.
Hugs and more hugs!

>127 PaulCranswick: - A few days in and trump is doing a wonderful job at mobilising the population into heightened political awareness. Reckon he didn't bank on that though.

Well said, Paul!

>127 PaulCranswick: As you say Paul. There are serious issues that need addressing, and Trump has only made it more important than ever to bring them to the fore. I'm currently listening to a dragon story, the second by in the Temeraire series by Naomi Novik, the same author responsible for the wonderful Uprooted that I and many other LTers really enjoyed. I'm not really 'into' dragons, but when the story is good, why not? I particularly like the relationship of the Temeraire, our hero dragon with his handler Captain Lawrence. Very touching. I can relate because if Charley was a hundred or a thousand times larger and could breathe fire and speak several languages, I'm sure we'd have a similar type of companionship... ;-)

>128 -Cee-: Hi Claudia!!! I feel beaten black and blue all over. I blame Donald Trump, because. Probably going without sleep at all for a full 24 hours was not a good idea. Schedule all topsy-turvy and cannot be properly called a 'schedule' at all!

Very happy you've dropped by. I've just added you along with Paul to my tags as people who've recommended Night to me. With my mom... thank you. It's an ongoing project. She's been on facebook for a couple of years and I think she's finally coming round to using it as a communication too, which can be very handy for having 'casual' kind of chit chat about things. She seemed to bristle at the very notion of 'chit chat' when I used those words with her, but more interaction can only be a good thing at this point as I see it! Now that Peggy has adopted me, perhaps mom #1 feels the silent threat of a replacement in the wings... ;-) xox

>129 jessibud2: Hear hear!

A gem.

>130 Smiler69: - Yay! Adorable.

>131 Smiler69: - This cracked me right up!! If nothing else, the next 4 years will be rich with fodder for the comedy mill

Loving >130 Smiler69: and >131 Smiler69:, both, Ilana, but especially >130 Smiler69:! Wish I could get Jane to wear one.

>131 Smiler69: Heh heh heh!
I'm happy to hear that #1 is increasing her activity. She will quickly learn what she's been missing.
I keep waiting for DJT to break out his adult vocabulary, but no. He continues to talk on about a 4th grade level, so I'm forced to believe that that's what we get. Great! 10 year-old mentality and 14 year-old arrogance. It may not be scientific, but it makes sense to me that if you have a 10 year-old's vocabulary, you must think 10 year-old thoughts. You may sense things beyond your ability to express them, but you're not thinking them through because you don't have the tools. I know that most of us aren't able to say all that we mean, but most of us do a better job than our leader.

>132 jessibud2: Shelley, I followed suit when Deborah made it her profile pic on facebook. I love seeing that cute little face in that pink cap. So sweet eh?

As for the other, that's one optimistic way of looking at it, I guess. I suppose that's what we might consider the silver lining on the looming clouds on the horizon?

>133 Fourpawz2: Charlotte, have you tried putting other things on her? This reminds me now of stuffonmycat.com which I haven't visited in too long. They ran a couple of pics I contributed of Ezra and Mimi. So I know my kittens will let me put things on them... don't know if it's much of a stretch to think they'd let me put a warm cap on them... Have you posted pics of dear Jane? I will come over for a visit soon. I'm very much due! xo

>134 LizzieD: Very well said Peggy (aka #002), only I'm surprised you hadn't realised long ago already that a pubescent 10-year-old was all you were ever going to get out of him. I've been aware of his existence since the 80s when Vanity Fair did pieces on him, and I've despised him from the first. He's not changed one iota in the 30+ years he's polluted the world with his presence on my watch.

As for your comment on #1, I hope you're right. When I suggested it originally, she bristled at the idea of 'casual chit-chat' (which I further defined as a 'good lubricant for relationships') taking offence at the notion of the very words 'chit-chat' might convey (much too lowbrow for her mightily capable brains, must be her first instinct), and then seemed to find I was asking for a whole lot she didn't have to give... but then there's words, and there's actions. Though she often brings up her concern for my privacy whenever the issue of her not making contact with me much comes up. When people still used to call each other on the phone just to say hello, she used to claim she was worried that I might be in the middle of something and she'd disturb me if she called, even when I assured her I'd be happy for her to take that risk. She takes some getting used to. Even going on 48 years of close acquaintance. She's a dear heart, but oh so complicated! And no user's manual to be found, wouldn't you know it.

Having trouble settling on any one audiobook. I've got several things going... the latest is The Tsar of Love and Techno, as short story collection by Anthony Marra (my first book by him, though I've heard lots of good things about A Constellation of Vital Phenomena. I'd list everything else, but it's 12:30 AM now and I should start thinking of winding down. And need to draw, most importantly. G'night all. And g'day too!

>134 LizzieD: - Agree, absolutely. When you have a major argument about the numbers, on day one of his presidency, it's ridiculously reminiscent of a couple of 12-year-olds in a pissing match, pardon my language. Or, size matters (my numbers are bigger than yours!).

Sigh...

>135 Smiler69: >137 jessibud2: I guess I've always been able to ignore him, and that was certainly my method of choice. Oh well. Ignorance and arrogance are never an attractive combination, but in the leader of the free world, they're totally frightening.
seemed to find I was asking for a whole lot she didn't have to give... --- that's the thing, isn't it? Peace to you from #2!
Meanwhile, my reading isn't exactly stalled, but I need to put the time into my October ER ARC, and I don't want to. I think I'm never going to want to, so I just as well grit my teeth and get it done.

Oh dear. I made myself cry and cry and cry just then, listening to the divine Andra Day singing Rise Up. There's a good version of the audio on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNKu1uNBVkU. Again today, didn't get out of bed much before 6 pm. I'd set the alarm for around 1:15 after going to bed at around 4:30 am... and then I wake up a whole bunch of times for basic necessities, but nope, once again nothing doing, couldn't get myself out of there until day had already fallen long ago. I always have had trouble rousing myself. No will to face the day. And this state of siege Trump has put us under by his mere existence in the world is simply intolerable.

Today I limited my exposure to news items quite a lot. I told myself I'd stay away from the computer and facebook entirely but couldn't manage it. It's become such an ingrained habit now, this sitting at the computer. But completely aside from that, I've had some huge computer troubles for the past couple of years which got badly aggravated when I picked up some malware as I downloaded a perfectly legitimate application a few days ago. Whatever you do DO NOT DOWNLOAD MACKEEPER OR DEAL WITH ZOOM SUPPORT: THEY ARE SCAMMERS. That's the short version because I don't feel like going into details all over again after going through it twice with two separate Apple specialists tonight. I therefore spent the better part of 2-3 hours with Apple techs trying to recover basic usability because everything kept seizing up and I'd have to power off the computer to get it working again several times in the last few days. So instead of most of the news items I might have read, I watched a few funny videos, like Trevor Noah's commentary and a Bad Lip Reading video that really puts the inauguration in a whole new, somehow highly amusing light http://mashable.com/2017/01/25/bad-lip-reading-inauguration/#gpZIpq99EqqT. But yes. Will have to find my own coping mechanisms to deal with the current times, and certainly taking less notice of the daily lot of disastrous news certainly can only help... if I can get over my addiction to news, acquired since this disastrous election.

Yes. So Reading. This is where reading comes in.



Just finished Throne of Jade by Naomi Novik. It was good. Very good even, as a follow up to the first book in the Temeraire series. Featuring Captain Lawrence and his loyal sidekick, the Celestial dragon Temeraire, of course. In the first book (avoiding spoilers here), Captain Lawrence becomes Temeraire's handler after his ship has captured a French vessel containing a dragon's egg, given as a gift by the Chinese emperor.

I should probably mention the series is set during the *Alt-Facts* Napoleonic Wars. The first book gives a wonderful description of the evolving relationship of true caring and appreciation that develops between a man-and-his-dragon. In the second book, this relationship is under threat from the Chinese emperor himself, who wants to repatriate Temeraire and separate him from Lawrence, who is deemed too lowly a personage (despite his aristocratic lineage) to be a fit companion to a dragon bred as a companion to emperors (we find out, among other things—and again, I doubt that this is a great spoiler—that Temeraire's egg was originally destine to be a gift to the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte, but this is a very small part of a much larger plot).

We travel to Canton, China, at the beginning of the 19th century, and discover a land where dragons live side by side with humans as a normal part of society. I was surprised to find I took especial notice of some lovely descriptive passages in Naomi Novik's writing. I'm afraid I was too involved with what I found to be a palpitating tale with the first book, to take especial notice of the quality of the writing, but here I was struck by the fact of how much joy the author seemed to take in the very act of the storytelling, as if the story were developing whole right before her eyes and she was sharing the wonder of it with us. This is a quality I haven't taken notice of before with fantasy or science fiction writing. Fantasy tends not the most frequent genre in my reading life as I'm rarely able to suspend disbelief enough to be able to really enjoy going along with the story. As I write this, I'm very aware of the fact that while I was actually in the act of listening to this audiobook, I found the story pleasing enough, but felt completely removed from it. But as I sit here and perforce give this book more thought, the story and its telling gain merit with a little bit of distance. Everything being seen through a screen of Trumpworld lately isn't doing anything good for my sense of connection with the world, so that being said, though I haven't given the book a rating yet, you can add at least a half to a full star to the rating I will base on my actual reading experience as it felt at the time.

>137 jessibud2: Yes, Shelley, I read your note earlier and was going to respond (that's always how it goes), and just now as I was mentioning Trevor Noah, was trying to recall the exact topic of his commentary, which was entirely à propos given your comment, viz: size: http://www.thecomedynetwork.ca/Shows/TheDailyShow?vid=1039106 you can thank me later. ;-)

>138 LizzieD: Frightening. Yes. I remember when I was a kid the nuclear threat seemed very real, with movies and documentaries and what not about it all the time. Since then though, that's never been of particular concern of mine as a possible imminent outcome. I'm sure that's the case with most folks, too. Unspeakably unfortunate for humanity that such men exist. Haven't been communicating with much of anybody much given my extremely odd schedule lately, and haven't found energy to continue exchanging with #1, but I'm sure there's no great expectation of me suddenly beginning a constant flow of communication either. I really need to just look after myself right now, as it's a struggle. Head, now I think of it, is mercifully not bad at all, in that the pain is only minor. But then worse pain would mean I couldn't think of anything else. Perish the thought.

I have a bunch of ARCs perishing about the place. I try not to think about that too much, as I'm having trouble even sitting down more than 10 minutes away from the computer. I did pick up my lavish and gorgeous limited Folio edition of Alice's Adventure in Wonderland, and also got myself the audio version narrated by one of my very favourites, David Horovitch who reads the story with a complete cast, and I've decided to treat myself to a read-along of Alice, and reading/listening to the first 3 or 4 chapters yesterday was really special. Especially with SUCH a gorgeous book and SUCH a wonderful actor to read the story to just me in the hollow of my ear with the headphones on. Special moments like that I shall need to cultivate from now on.

Listening to Anthony Marra's brilliant short story collection The Tsar of Love and Techno. Had to take down the following short scene between two Russian soldiers captured by Chechen rebels (lots of obscenity ahead):

— “But enough about that, why d’you sign on?”
— “It was this army man,” Kolia begins, “He told me about this guy he knew who stepped on a landmine, both legs missing, but it’s ok: he likes sitting. He’s got a nice divan he comes home. But right quick he learns no woman wants to get with a cripple and that’s the only thing he had any talent for. Tragedy… “
…
“But anyway this army man tells me ‘it’s ok: what the army takes away, the army gives back’.
They pay for the cripple to see a sex surrogate’.”
— “What’s a sex surrogate?”
— “My question to him. He says it’s a doctor you fuck.”
— “Like in a porn movie? Like, ‘We need to take her temperature, and your dick is the only thermometer’?”
— “No like the kind of doctor that speaks Latin.”
A supernova of disbelief lights up Danillo’s eyes.
— "Wait… wait wait… Doctor?? DOCTOR??? Like he’s fucking a woman Dr. Zhivago?"
— "Well... yeah, he’s fucking a woman Dr. Zhivago."
— "You believed him?"
— "What can I say? I’m a romantic. Who wouldn’t want to believe that somewhere a cripple’s out fucking a woman Dr. Zhivago? on the army’s ruble? Who wouldn’t want to believe that the world could be that just and right-sided?
So here I am getting fucked every which way but the way I signed on for."

>141 Smiler69: Mmm Mr. Marra is going for realism in his dialogue, I see, Ilana!

Must be good though to be keeping you up so late or getting you up so early!

>141 Smiler69: Up late, for sure... off to draw a bit and then walk Charley then bed then... hopefully up before 1:30 PM today... xx

>141 Smiler69: Realism for sure, but I thought it was a gem for all its baseness. ;-)

>139 Smiler69: Good review, Ilana, I liked the Temeraire books too. Sadly they seem to have given up on translating them in Dutch, so I haven't read the last three books.

Went to bed in a huge crying fit last night... cried so much that I scared Charley away and he refused to sleep in the bedroom with me as he does every night since I got him and went into hiding in the living room instead. I thought he might come back during the night, but he never did. Then woke up not one minute before 5:30 pm today, though I'd set the alarm clock. I'd taken a couple of Ativan before going to sleep because it seemed like I was having a full-blown anxiety attack. I'm writing about this here because I don't know who to turn to right now... took Charley out for a walk in the dark just a few minutes ago and crying nonstop all the while. I made an appointment with my therapists and I'll be seeing her Tuesday. In the meantime I've got to hang in there. I can't really explain why I'm crying... FEAR, just this all-pervading fear that everything is very wrong. Am I really the only one who is this freaked out by the changes in the White House and how this is affecting the rest of the world? Someone made a comment to me the other day that they didn't know what I was getting so worked up about, since I'm in Canada and none of this affects me directly, but I beg to differ. Knowing our next-door neighbour, who happens to be the most powerful nation in the world has fallen in the hands of a madman bent on ruining the planet... I don't know what to do with myself. Too upset for anything. Wish I could just escape back into sleep. All I know is the tears just won't stop streaming down my face, making reading or drawing or anything of the sort practically impossible. This business of living really is harder than it need be at times like this. I think I'd better call a crisis line or something.

I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough time. PM me if you want to talk.

Oh Ilana, I'm so sorry for your troubles. As much as I detest what has a happened in the election, I am far more hopeful. (And I KNOW you know how strong,y I feel about that!) I found the Women's March very uplifting, just to know there were so many people out there that think like me and are working for the good of the world. It is hard in the current times because the TV and FB seem to thrive on painting life in the bleakest terms and the news in direst way possible. People are not giving up, they are mobilizing and even NMPOTUS seems to back off things when the heat gets to be too much. It's like he sends out these test balloons to see if anyone cares. When it turns out they do, he'll back off.

All this to say, things do seem grim, but there are glimmers of hope and reason in the world. Hang in there, my friend.

BTW I loved the Tsar of Techno. A good group of stories.

{{Ilana}}

Do it, call a crisis line or your doctor, if you need to. If you are talking or even thinking about it then just do it.

You WILL get through this, and past it.

I'm sure the weather isn't helping. This is not the best season to have to deal with this grim dark cloud. I know, for me, sun and warm temps really help and living where we do, that just isn't going to happen in January or February. Do yourself a favour and do NOT turn on the radio or tv for awhile. If disconnecting altogether isn't an option, stick to *safe* places like LT. Read, draw, lavish attention on the critters. Walk. Surround yourself with what matters to YOU, and to your own world. Make it your safe cocoon. You can rejoin the larger world later.

Hang in there. You are stronger than you think and the cloud won't hover forever.

Oh, Ilana, I'm so sorry that this situation is so bad for you. In a way, I'm tempted to say - Be calm,we've got this. But we really haven't "got this" yet, but we will. This election has gotten us so stirred up. There are more marches being planned, nationally and locally. There are all sorts of groups being active now. One way or another he will be taken down.
Thats good that you have that appt on Tues.

Sorry about that. The pressure mounted and mounted and I guess it had to go somewhere. I'm calmer now. Have spoken to a couple of people, firs the crisis line to establish that I'm not in immediate danger but really needed to have someone at the other end of the line who wouldn't be completely freaked out by how freaked out I was. After that I called my friend K here in Montreal. She offered to get together tomorrow, but honestly my schedule is so thrown off right now it makes it almost impossible to plan anything. I'm really too sensitive, that's what it boils down to. That's what it's always boiled down to, and I guess some things never change. What will have to change is coping mechanisms, that is amply evident. I think seeing Dr. Conrod again will be a good thing for me. She is a wonderful woman. When I started seeing her I made no bones about the fact that she was the kind of woman I wished I'd had as a mom. Of course she's a wonderful listener, but we usually have a two-way conversation, and it's more like having a conversation with a really wise friend who never judges and is always on your side no matter what. That's what they are paid for, and in her case, I know there is real caring and compassion there. So that will make a difference. Also, I'll be able to introduce Charley to her for the first time. She's a great animal lover and has always encouraged me to bring my pets over for sessions. Even Ezra was there once, though he mostly hid the whole time.

I'm very sorry if my distress is or has worried anyone. The truth is I try not to make much noise about it unless I start getting worried myself about my ability to handle the situation. Sometimes it really all becomes more than I can handle, and I just break down completely. This happens to me a lot more than it does to a healthy person, that goes without saying. I appreciate those who give me reasons to be hopeful, and true enough I have to try looking on the bright side as much as possible, but those who have struggled with clinical depression their whole lives (it used to be called 'having a melancholy character'), know how tough times like these can be. But at the end of the day I know I'm much stronger than I think I am at these times, and I'm also very lucky to have a worldwide network of wonderful friends and acquaintances who are generous with support and encouragement.

All right. It's now past 11. I finally finished munching on my 'breakfast' muffin about an hour ago, and it's time for dinner. And somehow I need to get myself to bed by 3 at the latest. Maybe a sit down for a read-along of Alice in Wonderland might be what the doctor would order. A bit of drawing. Staying away from the news. Accepting virtual hugs from friends and acquaintances...

>147 drneutron: Thanks so much Jim. I'm under control for now. Just have to be cautious I think about the quality and quantity of information I expose myself to right now, and the quality of connections with people as well. Not a time to put myself out there on a public post on facebook and get randomly pounded on by a deplorable, for instance. They're taken online bullying to a whole new level. That simply cannot be healthy for anyone involved. Also getting majorly scammed by MacKeeper and their sister 'companies' this week... let's say I could have done without. I called their company today and demanded they refund me the 59 USD they charged me as a 50% 'promo' off their normal subscription price. They went from being possibly ok as far as a security and maintenance Mac service, to being outright scammers and spreaders of malware. I made a stink a little bit, saying I refused to be charged by a company who infected my computer with dozens of 'invisible' files that I found with an Apple technician in the last few days. My computer finally feels like whatever poltergeist was in it until recently has finally decided to take a rest. I think those who have had this kind of prolonged and chronic computer troubles can attest than in and of itself it can be quite a maddening challenge right there!

Thankfully I got a really great tech at Apple who was a grandpa and definitely knew what he was on about, and then I escalated to a senior advisor so I could have a regular follow-up with the same Mac expert from now on. Only 3 weeks of Apple Care left on this now 3-year-old computer. Until now I've upgraded computers every 2 and a half years to make sure always to be covered, but I can't afford to do that now so this computer has to last me a few more good years. Am I blabbing? Sorry.

>148 michigantrumpet: be back with a comment soon. It's nearly midnight and I haven't eaten anything... or maybe I should think of heading to bed?

Just started listening to The Miniaturist by Jessie Burton. Was in the mood for historical fiction and this story takes place in 17th century Amsterdam. A young bride finds herself more or less stranded in the home of her absent husband with only two servants and her odd and disagreeable sister-in-law for company in the house. When her husband gives her a splendid doll house to occupy herself with she isn't quite sure how she is to take this present... after all, she is 18 and no longer a doll who plays with dollhouses, or is she?

>148 michigantrumpet: I'm back Marianne, had a midnight dinner and gave Charley a walk out in the deserted streets (one lovely aspect of going out there at odd hours is I feel I have the city to myself). Thank you for the encouraging words. Of course, my fears must extend well past DT himself and are more due to what he represents as an oppressive government that is out to do a lot of damage to both people and the environment. But I'm glad to know you are able to keep hopeful. I wish I was better at seeing the positive side to things, but sometimes I need the help of my friends for that, so thank you. I've been taking solace in Robert Reich's daily Resistance reports. It's good to know plenty of people are keeping their heads and looking to what can be done to limit damage.

>149 jessibud2: Hi Shelley, I called and of course spoke to someone very kind, and most importantly, someone who is used to and train to talk to people in emotional crisis situations. I just don't feel it's fair to my friends to call them when I'm in a state like that. With my animals to keep me grounded, the risks of me doing harm to myself are much reduced, but sometimes I don't necessarily think of the worst, but DO feel I've surpassed my coping abilities. Lots of tears were cried in the last couple of days, but no harm done. And I am truly very grateful to have friends and a group like this I can count on for caring and compassion. I really did limit my exposure to news items today, and didn't spend much time on FB either. In fact, I'm not sure where the hours all went because if feels like I didn't manage to get much done at all. BUT there was about an hour of drawing tonight, so I guess the day was put to good use after all. ;-) xx

>150 catarina1: Hi Ada, yes, one good thing is that good people are now mobilized and more ready than ever to take action when it's needed. I feel rather helpless over here, but then when I think about it, I realize the only and best thing I can do is just continue making my art and keeping my head down, since I'm not much use otherwise. But I fight the good fight in spirit, as you must know by now! xx

I'll be back in a bit to do a proper comment (just about to head out of the door to do the ConnieBeast) but just wanted you to know I'm here, I read everything, I'm glad things settled a bit and I am glad to see you're taking self care steps.

Nothing like a bit of good 'ol Schadenfreude to lift up the spirits temporarily, when the headlines keep hitting like actual bullets into the soul. http://www.someecards.com/news/politics/twitter-account-trump-regrets-vote/

— So 'ya voted for the douchebag and you're regretting it now... awwww... that really... my heart bleeds for you. :-\

>154 lunacat: Hi dear Jenny. I guess inevitably I calm down again and figure out ways to cope. Or I have so far, otherwise I wouldn't still be alive. I remember even as as child feeling very deeply the unfairness in the world... I mean feeling it as a personal wound. Do YOU know. what I mean? If it weren't for that, I'd probably be a totally normally adjusted person. ;-)

Today's Audible Daily Deal is Money Management Skills by Professor Michael Finke, which is part of the Great Courses series. The Quebec national library put up great number of Great Courses recordings online via OneClickDigital, so I've just downloaded this title for free. It's a fact I can use any kind of help when it comes to my finances. Twelve half-hour lectures or so. Totally doable.

System Reboot in Progress. Please stand by...

Wow!!!!!
Glad you and Charley are feeling better. Keep it up!

What Peggy said, Ilana. Glad to hear you're doing better; sorry you had to go through so much.

>158 Smiler69: Nicely played, Ilana! Tagged you in something on FB I thought might be a cheerful fun look in.

>151 Smiler69: No problem, just thought you could use a friendly ear. Glad you're getting your arms around the computer issues - I know how disconcerting that can be!

Glad you are feeling better, Ilana. I'm a sensitive person as well and have to take breaks from the media and life events from time to time. Take solace in your pets and books. That's what I do. Love the "system reboot"!

Sorry Ilana you felt so bad. I can relate to personal feeling unfairness, I think that is a part of being very sensitive.
I had a small breakdown myself yesterday, feeling overwhealmed by negativity and not able to cope... So I keep away from to news for some time.
(((hugs)))

Glad that you were able to connect with someone last night and that things are looking a bit better. There are some sites on FB that are closed and troll-free and full of like minded people. That's where I spend my time.

I definitely get that feeling. Things physically hurt too. I was shellshocked and in a bad space mentally both when Brexit occurred and when Trump got in. But I'm starting to settle now. Can't add anything else sensible, only that I understand how you feel and I hope you begin to manage things again.

>73 Smiler69: real conversations vs glib fillers
I get you. I feel a tad.....irate might be a bit strong, but certainly bored, by comments that simply say 'happy new thread'. I mean, the sentiment is well meant I guess but it's not really substantial news is it. ;)

It's tough feeling low....teary...I admire you for coming on here and saying so. I tend to just pull me head in for those few times when I have felt like that. And then I end up feelhitherto that no one has 'noticed'....when, how could they have!? People huh? Our big brains are good for some things, and detrimental to us in other ways.

>158 Smiler69: cool! Love the Russian hat :)

Hello friends. Better today, on several levels. I do feel tremendously sensitive (for a change!), but I've managed not to cry all day, which in and of itself is a pretty good thing lately. I'm sorry to be such a downer. I do struggle, don't I? But then, the doctors didn't put me on permanent disability for nothing either, I guess.



Enjoying The Miniaturist by Jessie Burton. It's set in 1680s Amsterdam. Nella, the 18 year-old protagonist has just left her childhood home in a small town and entered what is presumably her new home as the new wife of a rich merchant who works for the Dutch East India Company. She waits to spend time with her husband, day or night, but he is constantly away from work and Nella must contend with his unpleasant sister and the two domestics in the house. Then her husband gives her an opulent dollhouse as a marriage gift and an occupation for her. Nella initially thinks the gift in bad taste, after all, she is no longer a little girl to play will dollhouses, but when she decides to hire a miniaturist to add details to the decor things take an unexpected turn.

Will reply individually tomorrow. Might get to bed before 3 am for once, which can only be a good thing!

Hi Ilana,
Good to hear that you are feeling better.
Have you ever read The last Painting of Sara de Vos? I just listened to it on audiobook a few weeks ago. It might be something that could appeal to you, because of the art perspective, and it's also just beautiful writing, and has a great narrator. I reviewed it on my thread. It's about an art forgery of a work of a little known Dutch woman painter and moves back and forth between her time (the 1600s) and present day New York. I really enjoyed it. Got it from the library

>159 LizzieD: Hi Peggy (aka Double-Oh-Two)! I'm doing a bit better today. Managed to wake up around 1:30 pm today while there was still daylight, which is nothing to sneeze at. That alone gives me a sense of accomplishment, which can only point to how little I manage to get done lately. At least there's my drawing session and audiobooks. And of course my little ones. I'm sure Charley sends his love. xx

>160 jnwelch: Joe, I guess the world needs some folks like me who feel TOO MUCH to compensate for those who feel too little. Or something like that. It has its good sides, thank goodness.

>161 michigantrumpet: I had fun with that Marianne, glad you like it! And thanks for tagging me!

>162 drneutron: That's very thoughtful of you Jim, and I appreciate it very much. When I'm at my very worst, I do try to remember I'm not alone and that a few people at least would be sorry to see me go and it helps keep priorities straight.

>163 Donna828: Hi Donna! It sure is a good thing our favourite hobby is also a great coping mechanism when times get tough... I take solace in the fact that I am not alone with my pain right now... NOT that I'm pleased that people are hurting, but at least with these current events, people can relate to how distraught I get thanks to being extra-sensitive (better 'extra' than 'over', less negative, no?)

About the animated image above, I was wanting to change my profile pic on FB and was going to put the original shot (i.e. no special effects or filters), but then found all these versions I'd done a couple of years ago with some iPhone app I'd just discovered. I found out how easy they are to make when I followed a link to a gif Bill had done last year I thing. This gif seemed to sum up how I was feeling when I posted it. I think I'm calmer and less agitated now, thankfully.

>164 FAMeulstee: Anita, I'm so sorry you are taking it so hard as well. I think there are a lot of us who are having difficulty coping with this new regime. I remember thinking Bush was one of Satan's minions, but this guy is the real deal, the devil incarnate... and that's the ONLY thing about him that is real! I know and do believe that hatred and anger are destructive feelings, but when it comes to mental wellbeing, those are better places to be than folded up in a little ball that can never make itself small enough... figuratively speaking here. Until I figure out how to keep a level head. I haven't managed to stay away from headlines completely, and have read a few news articles in the last couple of days, but at least had the good sense to skip those news pieces that I knew would only end up tormenting me further.

>165 catarina1: Ada, do you mean sites other than Today's Topics? I know I'm posting a lot of the Trump Junk there to keep my personal feed 'clean' for those of my FB connections who want to be spared. My own feed has so much of the current headlines in it, I always think I should 'unlike' a few of the news media pages, but then not knowing seems worse somehow. At least when you know what the threat is, you can better equip yourself to deal with it, is my thinking, I guess.

>166 lunacat: Jenny, I imagine you must do something similar (though I could be wrong of course), but when I'm going through a particularly tough time emotionally, I sort of ache all over and feel like a crab that's been taken out of its shell (apt analogy since I was born in July, the month of the Cancer), tender, defenceless, an vulnerable, and so I sort of treat myself as though I had a bad cold or a nasty case of the flu. You know, I'm sure you'll agree that sometimes just hearing someone say 'I know just how you feel' is like a healing balm, soothing for the soul.

>167 LovingLit: I guess though, thinking on it a bit, that a certain amount of glibness has its place on social media. Since we can't see each other in person, or have much way of knowing who has visited our pages, leaving just a 'hello' can be a kind of meaningful communication, or a web equivalent of waving and smiling at a friend. But yes, I know just what you mean. I always get so excited when I'm on my home page (which is set to LT on my web browser), and see a number in bold next to my thread... sort of feels like there's a gift waiting for you there in a way, doesn't it?

About sharing... I have to hand it to my parents, who were both raised in cultures and families where speaking about feelings wasn't done and who encouraged me to express myself because they knew better. I think one of the most essential things to carry in a 'survival toolbox' when you're dealing with extreme emotional pain is the ability to reach out and ask for help. I've been blessed to have many, many people come into my life and offer unconditional support when I struggle, which unfortunately is rather more often that it is for people who don't have genetically transmitted mood disorders. I still remember faces and voices and messages from my years as an angry teen, when I was put in the care of youth centres and found some truly compassionate and caring social workers. One woman in particular, I wish I could thank again, but I of course have forgotten her name and even the name of the centre I stayed at AND the town (there were many many transfers). I did myself a lot of harm before landing in detention centres, and because of who I am, I've carried the pain of it around all these years. I started writing about it a few times and couldn't do it. Didn't know what I was trying to say. And reliving it all... sad to say, but I have more vivid memories of those times than I do of the last ten years... (probably in part because I've kept the last decade quite deliberately as uneventful as possible!)

But I got lost there, sorry. What I was going to say is that when a person falls into a slump and the usual coping mechanisms aren't enough, it's always a very good idea to find someone to talk to. It can be a total stranger, if you are afraid of speaking to friends or family members (or simply don't want to burden them), or better yet it can be a trained professional, who is best equipped to deal with people who are in difficulties. There is no magic bullet, and talking about it certainly isn't enough to make the pain go away, but it does help to ease the burden quite a lot. xx

>168 Smiler69: Hello Dear One. Sometimes a good cry is balm for your weary soul. I sent a belated wish for a good 2017, one filled with people and pets you love as well as books that take you to magical places.

Much Love!

Just a speak from 002........ Love to you, Ilana!
My news is that I finally finished my October ER ARC tonight and couldn't be more relieved. I should read something short these last 3 days of January, but I think I'll indulge in some browsing.

>172 Smiler69: Wow that is quite some backstory. I guess the kind of catharsis that might come from dredging up memories from tough times might cost a lot.
From my vantage point, which it admittedly very removed, it sounds like keeping your life uneventful- or, calm, is the way to go. My siblings give our mum a hard time for not doing much, but I can totally see her life as full and meaningful. (Even if i do hold a grudge that she doesn't seem to want to initiate ANY encounters with her grandchildren.....).I
I hate this idea that one has to prove how busy they are, and that busyness must result in financial reward. I like it that your life is the life that suits you! Carry on 😃
Edited for random auto corrections!

Hi, Ilana...I usually lurk around the threads, but every once in a while am prompted to say "hi"! I'm glad that you are finding solace and strength. I want to recommend "The Daily Show," with Trevor Noah, to everyone I meet. He is so eloquent at expressing anger and outrage, but also humor, at all of Trump's outrages. It really is a balm for the mind and heart.

Karen O.

HI Ilana,
I have been following your thread and so sorry that you have been dealing with such pain and discomfort. I really wish for you peace of mind/heart and calm. I for one have disengaged from social media, t.v. news, newspapers and talk shows etc. especially if there is political content and it feels much better. You have such amazing talent/abilities as an artist. Wishing you lots of great hugs with Charley and your fur creatures!

Thanks so much ladies for your visits and thoughtful and generous comments. Not quite sure how I'm doing now, having stayed up till 7 am again and not slept as much as I'd have liked to when I did get to sleep (lately it's been 10-14 hours a day, mostly on the lower side lately) but I got up for a good cause which was to go see my psychologist, whom I hadn't seen in several years. I've been going to her since the turn of the millennium, and keep going to her because... she makes me feel good about myself, quite simply. When I see her, we often end up talking about all sorts of things like old friends more than anything, without even mentioning the deeper stuff more than in passing (while making a note we will discuss further during another session), which is how it went today as we were talking about the impact the Trump election has had on us, though we're Canadian and at a remove. But the US is our next door neighbour, we visit each other a lot nand have lots of friends across the border (as we do here right on LT!) and our borders occupy the whole width of a rather large continent... Canada needs the US for economic reasons, we've do a lot of trade, ou daily life is very much influenced by whatever is going on in the States, if only because television and general entertainment content, not to mention the news outlets who talk about US politics right on the front page. Last night I watched a CBC broadcast as they were covering the vigil service for the victims of the mosque shooting in Ste-Foy, and somehow, it STILL felt like I was watching covering on Trump and his policies and the fact he keeps demonstrating again and again that his morbid narcissism is clouding his mind and judgment (sorry, got sidelined). There is plenty, much too much racism and hatred right here in Quebec, but firearms are not part of our culture and many things point to the rise of Trump having emboldened White Hationalists across the world to acts of extreme violence. Tonight the CBC newscast have been 75-80 about Trump and his policies, though of course they covered the Ste-Foy vigils and gave more details about the events.

I'm obviously very troubled by what is going on, and though I've gotten all kinds of helpful advice and thought of different things I should try doing to regain my equilibrium, the current events are such a huge sideshow—a major circus act with tricks and magic never seen before!—I'll keep watching until I get tired of doing so. There's something very cathartic about it somehow. Trump, to me, represents all the evil of the world rolled into one persona. All his actions I find despicable. To me, personally, just knowing men like him exist, makes me feel insecure, scared. I have no compunction about throwing all my hatred and frustrations and anger at him, because he is so deserving of scorn on so many levels... and since he obviously triggers me in a huge way, it forces me to deal with the issues as they come up. Dr. Conrod said something... that basically the whole world is a victim to Donald Trumps mental illness, which a prominent American mental health expert recently defined as Malignant Narcissism, which makes him treat everybody and everything as thought they were there for his own pleasure. I still can't understand how a man who made fun of a disabled person, has bragged and acted repeatedly in appropriate ways, has sexually assaulted women and said on national television talk shows that he lusts after his own daughter... who is clearly not interested in Democracy as we know it... how that kind of person can represent the most influential nation in the world. My heart really goes out to past victims of sexual assault, because I know they must be having a really hard time, seeing a sexual predator as leader of the 'free' (for how long?) world and making mindless policies aimed at enriching the oligarchy while leaving the average American wondering what can possibly come next.

Kellyanne Conway in an interview with Chris Wallace two days ago, went on a rant about the media and how incomprehensible to her it was that no journalist of pundit who 'talked smack' about Trump has been fired 'yet'. She went on to describe how media outlets should be run, and that excerpt from the interview alone sent chills down my spine. Here it is for your reading pleasure:

The election was three months ago. None of them have been let go. If this were a real business, if the mainstream media were a thriving private sector business that actually turn a profit, which is not true of many of our newspapers 20 percent of the people would be gone. They embarrassed, they failed to protect their shareholders and their board members and their colleagues.

And what about the readership and subscribers then? What do they get out of it, I want to ask?

Will be back a bit later for individual responses.




Cartoon by Pia Guerra

edited to clarify my thinking.

In book news, I completed The Miniaturist yesterday. I really enjoyed it. Will make an effort to write something about it, but right now the brain doesn't seem keen.

>178 Smiler69: Sounds like the visit with your therapist was a little helpful. And yo know I agree with you 100% about the rest of your post. I'm staying of FB for the rest of the night because I think I've had enough for one day.

>179 Smiler69: Hi Ada, I totally get it that you want to spend time here rather than on FB, where things seem to move rather fast.

I'll be seeing Dr. Conrod on a biweekly basis for a while. For one thing, I think having a recurring appointment with a caring therapist, that alone will be helpful, and the fact she sincerely seems to think very highly of me despite having been told about all the parts of myself that I don't really like to look at or see very much and somehow make me better about things, even things that are hard or impossible to change.

I edited that post by the way, clarifying a few things here and there, but of course the message is the same in essence... I guess.

I've been living in fear and terror that we're headed to WWIII and another holocaust. Trump very likely wants to wage war... isn't that what the Republicans are good at? This makes me highly anxious and not terribly balanced. Yikes. Dunno why I ever thought it was a good idea to start following politics, but it was stronger than me... I just felt that this time there was so much at stake and I couldn't just ignore it. Now to scale back... a struggle on a daily basis. I'm sorry to bring politics over here, as I know most of you are probably on LT to get away from all that, but this is what is consuming me lately and I find it hard to switch off.



I did manage to revisit a Philip Pullman story I really loved the first time, and am just as impressed with again. Clockwork, or All Wound Up, is presented as a classic fairy tale in the best dark Germanic traditions of E.T.A. Hoffmann and the Brothers Grimm. A young prince needs saving. A master clockmaker with otherworldly skills is summoned, and a desperate young apprentice makes a pact with this devil which will result in dreadful consequences, as those kinds of arrangements usually do. Very well told and suspenseful till the end. I got this as an audiobook narrated by Anton Lesser who is a fantastic actor and among my very favourite narrators. Worth seeking out. Plus it's just an hour and half listen and can be fit in between longer books as an interlude. This is considered a young adult title, but like most of Pullman's books, deals in sophistictated themes that will keep the adult reader engaged. ★★★★½

>174 LizzieD: Short stories maybe? I like to have the on the go in the background, between other books. I don't even want to think about all the ARCs I've got lying around in random piles here and there... My love making its way to you. xx

>175 LovingLit: I hate this idea that one has to prove how busy they are, and that busyness must result in financial reward. I like it that your life is the life that suits you!

Thank you, thank you so much Megan. It's been one of my greatest struggles in what will be a decade in April since I left work and became a permanent invalid. Lots and lots of feelings of guilt, first about abandoning my career, my high aspirations, and most of my motivation and then about being able to enjoy a very cozy and easy life compared to most people with my health problems. But yes. It does suit me since I can do all those things I enjoy doing all day long, while having plenty of leeway to allow for me not being entirely functional a lot of the time, for a variety of reasons. What I hadn't foreseen was that this time would allow me to develop as an artist, something I'd always wanted to do, but was too afraid of setting out for because I didn't want to condemn myself to a life of poverty and need... No wonder I can work on such detailed drawings... few people can have so much time on their hands for that kind of thing!

>176 klobrien2: Hi Karen! Thank you so much for reminding me of The Daily Show. I don't have tv, but I can watch the show the day after it's aired usually, and I agree that Trevor Noah has a way of putting things that makes even the most disastrous news easy to laugh at. I picked up his audiobook at the end of the year and really enjoyed it a lot. He's such a talented young man and a really clever, funny, and interesting one too. It'll be interesting to see his career develop over the next couple of decades.

>177 mdoris: Hi Mary, thank you for your words of sympathy. I know the healthiest thing for me would be to disconnect as well, and in fact spend only a fraction of the time I currently do on the computer in general, but it's sort of become a compulsion. I hope you won't decided to 'unfollow' my thread here because of the current events I can't help talking about even here!

>180 catarina1: Ada, my therapist is a truly very lovely lady. I always feel a little lighter when I leave her office. I brought Charley there for the very first time and she was enamoured of course. I used to bring Coco with me at every session, and she even encouraged me to bring Ezra along one time! Charley behaved like a dream and I was stunned to see him go up to her and nuzzle her and ask for caresses. He doesn't usually act that way with people he hasn't already met a few times at least, and in fact usually backs away and will not engage at all, but you could tell the affection was very mutual. That alone probably has the kind of therapeutic effect that is impossible to measure, but very real. :-)

FB... a blessing and a curse!

>183 Smiler69: No worries Ilana! Lovely story of your visit with Charley to your therapist.

she sincerely seems to think very highly of me--- Of course she does!
I'm off to swim, but I needed to catch up and am happy to hear about the sessions coming up and of Charley's approval of your doc. I approve too, for what that's worth.
My ma is now in PT 3 mornings a week and already feeling stronger in arms and legs if not back. She also got her rolling walker with brakes and seat yesterday, and she's zooming around the house feeling so much more secure than she did with a cane. Needing one hurt her pride, but the benefits are lovely.
When she's dressed, I'll be off to swim my laps. I do so hope to get some good reading time in today. The Secret Rooms is better than I thought it would be, but I'm growing tired of the machinations going on to keep the future Duke of Rutland away from the 1915 front - unbeknownst to him.
Hope the weekend brings some good sleep for you!

I thought of you Ilana as I was reading an article in a recent New Yorker by Atul Gawande ( of the book Being Mortal).( What a great writer he is!! ) There is a very interesting section about (severe) migraines and a specialty treatment place in Boston but what was critical was not so much the treatments but the long term tracking and careful follow up and the approach to individual's needs. I was impressed. It is more an article about primary care and its value but thought you might be interested.
http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/01/23/the-heroism-of-incremental-care

>90 Smiler69: I know this was nearly a month ago now but {{{{{Ilana}}}}}. I don't really have any advice other than to say that it doesn't sound an easy relationship to maintain and I think you are probably sensible to be wary of committing to a visit at the moment. In some ways Dan has similar issues with his Mum - different circumstances but there are a number of subjects that just cannot be discussed with her (including his health) so the relationship has kind of fizzled because if discussing the major things in your life is out of bounds, what kind of relationship can you have?

>108 Smiler69: No mobile phones (cell phones)!

Also so sorry to hear you have been having such a hard time lately. I think I have been using personal busyness as an excuse not to think about Trump as POTUS because it is terrifying in many ways. Just wanted to say that you're not alone in any of this and I'm glad you are seeing your therapist again. I have just started seeing one again too as I have been finding 2017 a bit overwhelming so far.

Also I think you may have been one of the recommenders for Trevor Noah's Born a Crime? If so, thank you - we listened to the audio last month and loved it. A brilliant and moving book.

I just started on The Passage by Justin Cronin yesterday on audio. I felt like reading a longer book and a contemporary thriller, something I haven't picked up in a while, and it's hitting the spot just right.

Today was a special day... the first since last week that I woke up early enough to be able to enjoy some daylight. I actually had a bit of time to tidy up the living room and put away the tree decorations, which I'd dumped on the coffee table last week and hadn't even considered picking up as long as I was having 7-hour days (slept a lot as I tried with little success to reset my biological clock to fit with daytime hours) which felt like they ended as soon as they got started. Feels so luxurious to have all these hours to do things in! Nuts, I know, but sleep has always been my favourite method of dealing with low moods. An escape from myself. I'm in good spirits today, mostly because I'm so proud of myself for not sleeping the day away!

>185 mdoris: >187 mdoris: I'm already looking forward to my next appointment with my therapist, which we've booked on February 14th... Valentine's Day for the rest of coupledom, but I'll be doing my best to ignore it this year as I always do. Well... Charley is my Valentine of course, but I'm not exactly expecting flowers and chocolates from him. :-)
Thanks for referring me that New Yorker article, I'll read it this week for sure. I really loved Being Mortal and think they should make all medical students read it.

>186 LizzieD: Hi Peggy! Goodness, I need to start catching up with at least my closest friends here on LT. I've been very bad. I'm glad your mum is adjusting to her walker... I know my friend Liselotte was adamantly against using hers too at the beginning, but came a point where she didn't really have the option and she had to swallow her pride. Getting old isn't for the faint of heart it seems. How old IS your mum, incidentally?

>188 souloftherose: the relationship has kind of fizzled because if discussing the major things in your life is out of bounds, what kind of relationship can you have?

Yes indeed, that does make it hard to move conversation basics. My mum's always had a hard time dealing with my mood disorders... possibly a combo of guilt and frustration that she couldn't help me avoid those particular difficulties, and also because she's always had some idea that listening wasn't enough... that she has to find a solution or something... something I've come to associate with men, who often feel frustrated when they can't do something concrete, because simply listening with empathy isn't something most of them develop naturally.

No mobile phones... yes indeed. I can't imagine going without my iphone anymore, but I do regret the days when you could go anywhere and actually see people's faces, which are now almost always bent down on a screen.

I haven't figured out quite how to deal with 45 yet (as many have taken to calling he who must not be named). I do feel that reading less news might be helpful, as will cause less anxiety, but then NOT KNOWING what's going on scares me just as much. Reading news has seriously cut into my reading life however as I'd always successfully avoided the news most of my adult life, precisely because it always made me feel badly... I'm grateful to have a private group on FB where like-minded friends of friends can get together and commiserate, share news items and funnies... of course humour will always save the day, and at least he's giving the humorists plenty of material to work with!

I listened to Born a Crime at the very end of the year and I do believe I might have raved about it. I was predisposed to like his book because I watch Trevor Noahs show sometimes online and really enjoy it, but I was really blown away by his story and the way he delivered it. Also taught me a bit about South Africa, as we don't hear about that part of the world very much here in North America.

Please pop me into your group on FB, humour is definitely required and I'm all for joint commiseration and the rolling of eyes currently. TheBoyfriend and I might have done a little smug dance of glee when the latest appeal failed. I know it's only a tiny thing but maybe 45CheetoHitler will begin to realise he can't be an autocrat or a dictator.

>190 lunacat: Will add you momentarily Jenny. :-)

I like your big (trump) post up there, the second cartoon I particularly like. He is affecting everyone. And the supporters are having their moment too, and running with it. Its like the bully finally got to the top and he's going to let everyone have it....but- I am convinced there are more rational people out there than blind followers. They (we!) just have to stand our ground.

Popping in, Ilana, to pass along a little feel good moment. I just loved this story on NPR -- about Muslim refugees and Jewish New Jersey suburbanites all meeting with spirits of good will as they share good conversation and food!

http://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2017/01/27/511795672/syria-supper-club-reach...

>193 michigantrumpet: - Cool! I just recently found a very similar story: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/in-nebraska-syrian-refugees-find-a-warm-...

I think it's beginning to happen with more frequency and that can only be a good thing.

>194 jessibud2: I heartily agree! Great story! We need to raise up these tales to remind one another of the basic good in the World. It's awfully easy to focus on that which divides us.

(oh dear, meant to post this HOURS ago and then got distracted! Will respond to comments tomorrow as it's already well past 4:30 am and I've yet to get to bed and in fact need to take Charley out in -20 weather first!)

Right now, listening the The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson, which I'm finding interesting enough, also listening to Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth by Reza Aslan. I'm also occasionally listening Notes of a Native Son by James Baldwin. I have quite a growing collection of works by the latter, and what a wonderful writer he is, but this essay collection is hard-hitting, and all the more so right now when whatever small victories the civil rights movement was able to win since he wrote it in the early 50s seem to be as endangered as Democracy itself. I hate to say it, because it makes me seem like I'm totally obsessed with the so-called POTUS, but all three books are picks which are directly or indirectly inspired by the orange man. The Ronson book for obvious reasons. The second because I've seen memes from the Christian Right either depicting him as Christ himself, or as sitting at his desk in the Oval Office with Jesus standing behind him and guiding his hand. Made me feel like revisiting the historical Jesus to arm me with more ammunition the next time I'm ready to confront a so-called Christian who claims don the con is god's gift to man...

I'm glad my shoulder is hurting less today. The weirdest thing. I can't remember how many weeks it's been since I slid down the stairs and wrenched my shoulder socket, but I do know that for the days and weeks after the incident I felt absolutely no pain. Then about a week ago it got quite bad. I should call my acupuncturist but my dad rightfully suggested I should probably have it checked by the doctor first, and I can't get out of bed early enough to call for an appointment... I really can't imagine it's something that serious if there was no pain at all initially... but then again, who knows?

In any case, was happy with myself for spending a couple of hours drawing just before coming over here, as my RIP Mr. Rat drawing is extremely detailed and quite quickly fatiguing to work on, both mentally and physically, from so much time leaning over tiny shapes. I decided to listen to The Ghosts of Belfast, known in the US as The Twelve by Stuart Neville. Found my attention wandering throughout for some reason, so it'll be the first (but certainly not the last!) book I drop this year. I'll pick it up again at some other time, because it comes highly recommended. Here's what my drawing looks like right now (you can blow it up on your screen to see more detail):

Just finished revisiting Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth by Reza Aslan. I wrote a very long review in April 2014 when I first read it (you can find it here: https://www.librarything.com/work/13849033/reviews/103538360), but the the very last paragraph of the book sums up the part I found most interesting this time, which looks at how Paul created the image of Christ completely based on what suited him best. As I was listening to the details of how and why he did this, I couldn't help but think that the extreme right Christians, who can actually say that the POTUS is a Christian himself with a straight face obviously find the teaching of Paul to be much more convenient than Jesus of Nazareth's original intentions. Here it is (not really a spoiler since this is a work of non-fiction, but just in case...

"Christianity after the destruction of Jerusalem was almost exclusively a gentile religion; it needed a gentile theology. And that is precisely what Paul provided. The choice between James's vision of a Jewish religion anchored in the law of Moses and derived from a Jewish nationalist who fought against Rome, and Paul's vision of a Roman religion that divorced itself from Jewish provincialism and required nothing for salvation save belief in Christ, was not a difficult one for the second and third generations of Jesus's followers to make. Two thousand years later, the Christ of Paul's creation has utterly subsumed the Jesus of history. The memory of the revolutionary zealot who walked across Galilee gathering an army of disciples with the goal of establishing the Kingdom of God on earth, the magnetic preacher who defied the authority of the Temple priesthood in Jerusalem, the radical Jewish nationalist who challenged the Roman occupation and lost, has been almost completely lost to history. That is a shame. Because the one thing any comprehensive study of the historical Jesus should hopefully reveal is that Jesus of Nazareth—Jesus the man—is every bit as compelling, charismatic and praiseworthy as Jesus the Christ. He is, in short, someone worth believing in."

It's already super late... my schedule is all screwed up again. I was doing better for a short stretch, but back to weird hours. Every day I tell myself I'll correct it—sometimes I manage it, sometimes not so much. Made a vegan chilli from a recipe and have to reduce it because too much water was called for. Off to draw a bit while it boils down, then hopefully will get to bed at a relatively reasonable hour (i.e. hopefully well before sunup!)
'

Hi Ilana,

I don't know if you caught this on cbc radio yesterday but I remember you mentioning this awhile ago and thought you might find the interview interesting. I sure did!

http://www.cbc.ca/radio/day6/episode-324-lgbt-iranian-refugees-porn-o-nomics-mic...

Click the *listen* button to hear the whole thing. I know of Ayelet Waldman though I've never read anything by her. I have a friend who adores her work, though.

Your drawing is spectacular, as always! :-)

>197 Smiler69: The teachings of Paulus always bothered me in the days when I was young and religious.
I added Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth to my library wish list.

Sleep tight dear lady.

Hate to see you struggling so for equilibrium and not being able or capable of offering meaningful advice over platitudes. This little support group surely works if you concentrate on the fact that there are a goodly number of people here spread across the globe that care for you dearly.

Big Hugs.

Very well said Paul, ditto! Agreed too with drawing being spectacular.

I'm always delighted and surprised to find messages waiting for me on this thread, considering how neglectful I've been, and yes, as Paul says, I'm struggling *a bit* to find a balance again, and I know in my heart that part of that equilibrium would be to spend more time here, less time on FB and with my nose in every news or magazine article I find interesting. But as I've said before, even though I'm not interacting much, this group is a huge part of my life, and in fact a good portion of my FB friends is composed of friends I've made here. Even through the more difficult times when there was unwanted and very stressful interpersonal 'strain' I was buoyed by the kindness of so many of you who reached out to me with supportive and kind messages. I have and still do derive so much wellbeing from this kindness and please know it means a lot to me.



I finished a second book in the course of the night, which was The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry by Jon Ronson (book #23 so far). I found it took a little while to get going, but it quickly became quite an engrossing read. Equipped with a 40 point questionnaire provided by its creator, Ronson sets out to identify psychopaths (once and for all, I now know that 'psychopath' and 'sociopath' are one and the same thing). He makes the very valid and probably all too true point that psychopaths are often to be found at the top of the echelon, as politicians and especially CEOs, since their lack of empathy and competitive urge and predatory instincts are useful traits to have in a cut-throat financial market. In the later part of the book, Ronson makes the case that psychiatry has overreached its purpose by giving diagnoses where none are necessarily needed, and he mentions both autism and bipolar disorder as two of the most commonly inappropriately and overused mental conditions ascribed to children. One specialist argues that there is no real evidence that bipolar disorder actually exists in children, as apparently the illness usually develops in late teens or young adulthood and not before. I contest this finding as I'm absolutely certain I've been 'bipolar' (or whatever new term they find for my specific condition in future) since early childhood.

One theory he proposes is that society, and specifically, all the EVILS in society, are caused by psychopaths shaping the world to suit their needs for exploitation and victimization. I believe this book has been hugely influential since it came out in 2011 and may directly or indirectly have influenced journalists and the public at large to claim that the current POTUS is unhinged and probably a psychopath... though since this term isn't used in DSM-4 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders; DSM-5 was released in 2013, after the publication of this book), the closest diagnosis they can give is 'narcissistic personality disorder', which essentially amounts to the same thing.

Statistics show that 1% of the population are psychopaths and that they are much more present in our daily lives than we might realize. Most people reading on psychology and psychiatry has a natural tendency to worry that they may have whatever illness is described, so the question 'am I a psychopath?' is bound to occur to most readers, but the author claims that just the fact of worrying if you are one indicates you definitely aren't, since psychopaths aren't capable of introspection to begin with. Also, anyone with a surfeit of empathy, as Joh Ronson is (he suffers from pronounced anxiety problems) is more likely to be a victim of a predatory sociopath than to become one. The current theory is that people are born this way and are impossible to 'cure' and that trying to rehabilitate them only teaches them how to more convincingly mimic how most sane people express emotions, in effect providing a kind of 'finishing school' for psychopaths. I found those segments describing how the illness (or characters trait) is manifested and how researchers used extremely unusual methods (including LSD trials) to find a 'cure' really fascinating. Definitely recommended.

I picked up another very short book by Ronson just before the election called The Elephant in the Room: A Journey into the Trump Campaign and the "Alt-Right", which I found equally fascinating and well-researched (and terrifying for the truths it uncovers), and will definitely look out for more of his books.

Have you read any of his publications? What did you think?

>192 LovingLit: I find it extremely encouraging Megan to see that a Resistance movement was formed in a matter of days after the results of the election were announced (and people got over the initial shock... though we can predict the shock will subsist as long as he occupies his current position). It seems this kind of massive resistance hasn't been seen since the Vietnam war. I listen to and read Robert Reich's comments almost daily and find his voice of reason tremendously reassuring, even as he details the extent of the corruption, yet also gives hope of what the people can do when united for a common cause. Good stuff! :-)

>193 michigantrumpet: Thanks for that Marianne! It's a lovely story and so heartening to know that no matter what happens 'at the top', there are so many decent folks who do what they can to keep human connections alive and well.

>194 jessibud2: I'll read the WP article shortly, thanks for the link Shelley, but now I'm thinking I should find out if this kind of thing is happening in Montreal as well... I'd be happy to spend some time (when possible, natch) with refugees who are wanting interaction with natives and locals. There isn't much volunteering work that is open to me, since one has to be able to adhere to a schedule, which is almost impossible for me, but I'd be happy to do punctual things, like participating in and preparing and serving a community dinner for instance... something I'm considering doing next Christmas, but might be able to do in the meantime as well.

>195 michigantrumpet: I don't know if I shared it on our FB page Marianne, but I came across a clip that features a young woman interviewing her very much Republican father who also happens to have taken in a Syrian family into his own home. He is a devout Christian, but said that he found out that we all have much more in common than we realize. Everyone wants to be able to eat and have a roof over their head and have human contact after all...

>199 jessibud2: Thanks Shelley for another interesting link. I'm listening now. I found her book on microdosing really fascinating. Haven't read anything else by her and don't know that I'm necessarily interested in reading her series of mystery books, but I do plan on reading more books by her husband, Michael Chabon.

Thanks for your comment on my drawing. I think (rather understandably) quite a few people are put off by the subject, as I'm getting a lot less reaction when I post progress on FB than I do for my other projects... but that's ok. I knew that when I initially took the photo I'm basing myself on, that a lot of people wouldn't like seeing a dead rat! Today one of my aunties sent me a kind little message saying I might want to pull out my colour pencils and paints and start creating some cheerful colour projects, and yes, I do look forward to that, but because I have a long track record of leaving many projects unfinished, I've decided I'll finished RIP Mr. Rat first... there's not so much more to do as I'll be leaving the right side of the image more or less 'unfinished' as a device so that viewers can grasp right away that it isn't a photo.

>200 FAMeulstee: Hi Anita, that's an interesting comment. I didn't grow up with and wasn't taught much about religion, so didn't know anything specific about how the Christian religion started and this book was a real eye-opener. Both times I read it, I was struck by how manipulative Paul was and just how much he distorted the original message... and both times, the typical far-right American Christians came to mind as actually being followers of the Apostle Paul rather than followers of Jesus. Always been hard to me to understand how they can claim to love Christ when they are so unwilling to open their hearts to humanity at large (ie those who don't follow their beliefs).

>201 PaulCranswick: Thank you Paul. Please don't worry, your words are often the source of much comfort, but just knowing you care also works for me. And yes, I'm blessed in that many people are expressing their care and concern... even was contacted by an old old work relation last week who said she'd like to get together with me soon. I haven't seen any of my former work acquaintances save for a couple of exceptions in the decade since I left work, so I found that very touching. Now to get back to a schedule that actually allows me to interact with people IN PERSON! lol

>202 mdoris: Mary: you're a sweetie. Thanks! :-xx

(Part 2)

Should definitely be in bed, and on my way there shortly as it'll soon be 6:30am by the time I'm done posting this, but I just wrote a comment to a friend on FB from the UK I've now known online for almost a decade. She's a very compassionate person, and we've always connected on our great love for the protection of animal life, and animals in general. She was just lamenting the fact people seem to be devoid of feeling and seemingly making things unpleasant. One of her friends commented that there have been measurements that show society is significantly less empathetic now than it was even just a decade ago. I felt prompted to write another mini-review of The Psychopath Test as a response, it seems! :-)

I just finished reading Jon Ronson's The Psychopath Test, and of course it deals with sociopaths from various aspects, including the fact that many politicians and CEOs show all the traits of 'narcissistic personality disorder' which is the closest label in the DSM-5. I had read about this specific aspect before, but was intrigued to learn about it more in depth: psychopaths are believed to have a different brain composition which makes them unable to feel empathy. Studies have shown that trying to 'cure' them has resulted in essentially giving them more tools to manipulate people with, once they have learned how to mimic genuine sentiments. Seeing as the world leaders right now are mostly all seriously dangerous psychopaths (as all sociopaths potentially are) and that most human interactions are now happening online and more rarely than ever in person... easy to see where lack of compassion would take over. It's all very frightening to me as these purely evil predators determine the course of major events all over the planet. A way must be found to contain the predators. Unlike their four-legged counterparts, they have no discernment about who they'll take down and can never sate their yearning for power enough.

I wonder. I'm currently reading Sapiens: A Brief History of Mankind (an absolutely brilliant book) and at one point it discusses findings of groups of hunter/gatherer societies and the differences you can discover in the examination of their bones.

"In Portugal, a survey was made of 400 skeletons from the period immediately predating the Agricultural Revolution. Only two skeletons showed clear marks of violence. A similar survey of 400 skeletons from the same period in Israel discovered a single crack in a single skull that could be attributed to human violence. A third study of 400 skeletons from various pre-agricultural sites in the Danube Valley found evidence of violence on eighteen skeletons. Eighteen out of 400 may not sound like a lot, but it's actually a very high percentage. If all eighteen indeed died violently, it means that about 4.5% of deaths in the ancient Danube Valley were caused by human violence. Today, the global average is only 1.5%, taking war and crime together. During the twentieth century, only 5% of human deaths resulted from human violence - and this is an century that saw the bloodiest wars and most massive genocides in history. If this revelation is typical, the ancient Danube Valley was as violent as the twentieth century.

The depressing findings from the Danube Valley are supported by a string of equally depressing findings from other areas. At Jabl Sahaba in Sudan, a 12,000-year-old cemetery containing fifty-nine skeletons were discovered. Arrowheads and spear points were found embedded in or lying near the bones of twenty-four skeletons, 40% of the find. ...

...Which better presents the world of the ancient foragers: the peaceful skeletons from Israel and Portugal, or the abattoirs of Jabl Sahaba. The answer is neither. Just as foragers exhibited a wide array of religions and social structures, so, too, did they probably demonstrate a variety of violence rates. While some areas and some periods of time may have enjoyed peace and tranquillity, others were riven by ferocious conflicts."

This struck me, because perhaps it shows that while last year can seem worse than the preceding one, or it can seem that our empathy is reducing, in the grand scheme of things there is such variety in the behaviour of human societies and how they treat each other that it is pointless to look for trends over such a short period of time. Being aware that these things might be happening and striving to do what we can to battle against a lack of empathy by showing care and consideration for all others seems the simplest thing to do. And the positive findings demonstrate it is possible to lead a mostly caring and violence-free life, just as it was in the past.

>209 lunacat: Thank you for sharing that, Jenny. I noticed I'd forgotten to list Sapiens in my collection, as it had been on my wishlist for a while and I finally got the audio version on sale at Audible in the summer. I've added you as a recommender and look forward to it all the more now! I don't know where the person got their information, about the decrease in empathy over the last decade. I should ask her actually as I'm very curious. My gut feeling though is that in the last decade and the arrival of smartphones, our communications have become that much more impersonal with the use of text messages even replacing phone calls now, and many perfect strangers coming together on social sites, there is a tendency to show less empathy and more online trolls than ever, it seems. I was bowled over when I read a couple of years ago that people breaking up via text messaging was now a common occurrence and it just completely shocked me.

For those of you not on FB but who knew Coco one way or another... my most recent post:
(you can zoom in for easier reading)

Oh, Coco!!! That expression totally looks like Ralph in his bunny suit in A Christmas Story!
I don't have time (I'm sleepy!) to read everything thoroughly , but I will say to you and Jenny that I'm reading and enjoying Sapiens right now too. I'm surprised at how accessible it is.
I'd say that LBJ was certainly a sociopath. I have no idea what to say about present POTUS.
(Mama is 95, to answer your question from long ago. PT is building strength in arms and legs --- I'm not sure that it's doing much for her back yet.)
Love to you and Charley!

Just a quick note to let everyone know I'm fine, but will be taking time off the computer for the next few days. I want to find out what life is like without being tethered to electronics all day.

>212 LizzieD: Sending you hugs, Peggy! xo

Report back when you can, maybe we should all try it. Enjoy!

Just switched on the computer for a few minutes. Emails should still be checked, and I need to log in my finished books up top before I forget all about them. Been feeling quite sick there last two days... flu-like sysmptoms, but then it could just be an extra nasty bout of the monthlies, which are often accompanied by a three-day cold. Finished my Alice in Wonderland read-along. The book and the audio complemented each other wonderfully. You must look for and listen to David Horovitch recordings. He is just astoundingly good.

>214 mdoris: Hi Mary! I'm not sure what to make of the electronics ban for now, since I'm so out of sorts to begin with... but already getting more reading done!

Hurrah for more reading done. I'm all for it!

I slipped. Switched on the computer. Saw headlines about a news conference. Read a few quotes, watched an important person act like a raving madman on live tv. I've been harshly punished for cheating. But it wasn't like I didn't have ample warning. So... this little guy: Charley and I celebrated 11 months of a growing and enduring fondness for each other yesterday on the 15th. I'm off to join him on that reading chair now. He's usually more than happy to make a little spot for me in there.

>216 mdoris: I've got one of the cutest living dogs in the world laying on the reading chair right now and he's usually happy to let me cuddle in there with him. There's whole pile (not to mention a whole apartment) full of interesting books. Top of the pile are The Poet's Dog which I saw recommended by a couple of people including Mark, I seem to remember. And The Maigret short stories. There's Emma too, but she's been sitting there neglected for many months, and for no good reason at all than the fact I have no discipline to work on a tutorial at all. But we'll get back to Emma sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. On another pile nearby, on the coffee table are a bunch of hugely appealing books, including The Secret Library with I got from Book Depo after seeing that Folio Society was offering it (at a higher price-point). Looks like one that might lend itself to occasional reading.

Bye for now friends! I'll probably do a check-in once in a while, but honestly need to stay away from the computer as much as possible because it is in and of itself part of my addiction. I've always liked playing with these machines somehow... really nifty toys, when you think about it. ;-)

Congratulations on 11 months together, Ilana and Charley!

Hi Ilana, I've been AWOL for a bit as I've been down and out with pneumonia but I am on the mend now and getting caught up with everyone on LT. My goodness you have been having a difficult time but it sounds like you are doing better now. Enjoy that cuddling time with Charley in the reading chair!

Checking in to say I hope you are surviving your vacation from electronics. Interesting times to say the least.

Liked your thoughts about Zealot which made me go back and look up my own review from a few years back:

"Reza Aslan’s Zealot came to my attention with the media buzz surrounding an interview of Aslan on Fox News. Aslan may have both benefitted and or suffered as a result. Certainly, there is an element of ‘any publicity is good publicity’ at play, as well as a rush to bookstores by Fox-haters to show their support. Some academics, far more knowledgeable than I, have complained that Aslan’s examination of the historic Jesus fails to stake out new ground over prior scholarship. As a lay reader and member of a mainline protestant church, I found “Zealot” to be thought provoking, readable and informative. Those with a fundamentalist belief in the absolute inerrancy of the Bible will not be pleased, although I suspect that would be true of most books about the historic Jesus. Aslan is clear his book is about “Jesus the man” and not “Jesus the Christ.” Much is up to one’s faith.

The book is divided into three parts. The first provides a review of the seething tumultuous political and religious conflicts in Jerusalem, Judea and Galilee in the years prior to and during Jesus’ birth and ministry. I found this portion to be especially interesting. To Aslan, the impact of the Roman despotic rule, and collaboration with the high priests of the Temple cannot be underplayed. Many chafed under the Roman occupation, and dreamed of the return of Jewish rule. Prior to and during Jesus’ lifetime, many “messiahs” agitated in the countryside, only to be executed for their sedition and danger to the establishment. The second part looks specifically at the historic life and ministry of Jesus up to the time of his crucifixion. I was taken by Aslan’s description of ‘fact’ vs. ‘truth.’ Any lover of great fiction will point to the many truths contained therein. In this portion, I felt the most on familiar ground. The final third addresses the actions of the early church and particularly the conflict between Paul, James the Just, Peter and John.

Throughout the book, Aslan examines contemporary references and documentary and archeaologic evidence. The extensive end notes are especially important to readers. Aslan acknowledges where disagreements lie, and the basis of his own positions within those disputes. In addition to his training in the sociology of religions, Aslan received his Masters degree in writing from the renowned University of Iowa and the Iowa’s Writers’ Workshop. His writing is quite accessible to the non-academic reader."

With the time I did NOT spend on the computer today, I sat on the reading chair with my ever-charming Charley, who seems delighted to share his spot with me. My mum had sent me a small book containing a short story by Stephan Zweig in French translation, knowing as she did he is among my favourite authors. The book is called Le Bouquiniste Mendel / Buchmendel (available in a collection of short stories by Pushkin Press, for the English translation). Zweig has a way of drawing me in with his extreme sensitivity like no other author can; I always feel like I am reading the words of a kindred spirit with him. The story is about an old Jewish man who spends his days in a Viennese café, dealing in books. He doesn't own a bookshop, but has acquired the marvellous ability to memorize every book ever published, the edition, the year it was published and the price for both new or used copies. Some of his clients include influential men with a passion for books. Mendel spends 30 years in the café, his general quarters, until there is a change of owners and external circumstances disrupt his world for good. Indeed Mendel only lives for his books, never reading the news, never taking notice of anything or anyone around him, and has no idea that there is a world war going on (WWI), which gets him into trouble. My second five-star book of the year so far... but then I usually end up giving Zweig high ratings because his writing moves me so.



Also finished a book I was far less excited about, Mademoiselle Chanel: A Novel by C. W. Gortner. I think in retrospect I would have been better served with a straight biography of Gabrielle aka Coco Chanel. Here we saw a woman determined to leave her mark on the world, but also incredibly dependent on men or her success, just as she strives to remain completely independent. I couldn't fault the writer for that, but I was annoyed with how much focus there was on her romantic life. I was curious to see how he would handle the second world war, as it came to my attention in past years that she had collaborated with the Nazis. Here, once again, romance comes to the rescue and saves the day. She may be a heartless bitch to her employees, but she was willing to sacrifice herself for a good cause, as long as there was promise of profits in the offing. Truly, the book got on my nerves and I'm not sure why I stuck to it. Perhaps the fact that it was written in the first person grated on me, as this couldn't afford us the perspective of what her contemporaries thought of her very much. In any case, this novel makes it clear that a lack of consideration for others is one of the recipes for success. Ugh.

>218 FAMeulstee: Thank you Anita! I've not once regretted bringing this little guy home, even when he was (as still is) a pests to Ezra. Just looking at him makes my heart sing!

>219 DeltaQueen50: Hi Judy, lovely to have a visit from you and very sorry to hear you've been so sick. It's true enough I've been struggling quite a bit in the last few months, and current events aren't transpiring in such a way that will make the climate any kinder from a socio-political point of view, but thank heavens for our love of books to get us through the rough patches, eh?

>220 michigantrumpet: Thanks for sharing your review Marianne. I feel like this is the kind of book which would provoke really interesting discussions in a book group setting. I agree too the historical background Aslan gave us, about the tensions between Rome and the Jews, and the 'fad' for Messianic prophets at this time made for pretty fascinating reading. I'm still not sure I understand why Jesus of all the others managed to gather such a huge following and become the cause for a whole new religion that would have repercussions on humanity for two millennia at least... but perhaps that is because I don't have a religious bone in my body. All the same, he's always been a fascinating historical figure to me, and this book did answer a lot of my questions.

Madame MBH and I loved The Poet's Dog, Ilana. I hope it works for you.

>223 jnwelch: Yes indeed, Joe! I really loved it. Almost like a fairy tale, isn't it? I'm glad I picked it up after seeing some warbling about it in this group.

I just finished and loved The Poet's Dog too :-)

Trust that you are having a peaceful Sunday, Ilana.

>225 FAMeulstee: A lovely little book isn't it?

>226 PaulCranswick: Paul, peaceful is the right word. All is quiet and calm here, save for Charley occasionally lunging at Ezra with much roaring and barking. I'm feeling better this weekend than I have in a while, so I'll take that blessing gratefully. Thanks for dropping by! xx

***

Well I hate to say it, but I just dropped Monstrous Regiment a little less than halfway through. I'm unhappy about it because 1) I really want to love all Terry Pratchett's books, and I HAVE really loved a few so far, but others just don't work for me, for reasons I couldn't begin to explain, other than my attention wanders all over the place and I can't quite keep up with the story. This happens very frequently, this business of having a hard time following stories, especially if there are more than three characters. 2) It came highly recommended by Heather and I usually love her recommendations, so I feel badly that I wasn't more enthused with this one. Ah well. I'm sure she'll forgive me. Could just be a question of timing and I will definitely give other Pratchett books a chance, knowing it's a hit or miss for me. But when they do work for me, I find them absolutely brilliant. The first that comes to mind among those is Small Gods, which I'm tempted to relisten to, although I only listened to it fairly recently, or in the last couple of years.

Just shared the following on FB. A great timesaver to do a screen shot, so here it is:



The text I had posted last year is the following: 19 February 2016 · Montreal ·
Coco looks like the cutest dog in the world in these pictures, right? I took them because his fur/wool is at an all-time length and he looks more teddy-bearish than ever: I will eventually use one of these three as a reference for an oil painting of him. He hates having a camera pointed at him and usually turns away or squints at the lens, so I tricked him by holding treats next to the iPhone so he'd smile for the camera. Worked!

Not so fun news came when I had to take him to the vet yesterday for a persistent eye-infection which is resisting treatment... and turns out to be glaucoma, a painful condition which might explain all the random screeching lately. Poor thing only has one setting as a reaction to any kind of unexpected/unwanted stimulus, and high-pitched/heartbreaking/migraine-inducing screeching is it. I do love him to bits, but wish I could find the mute button sometimes.

***

Poor Coco... I'll never know if he truly suffered or not, since he did shriek often, and much of the time for seemingly no good reason, from when I first got him and tried to give him a little kiss... I never knew whether I was doing enough for him, health-wise, and it will probably always niggle at me, though at the same time, I got him as a mature dog, so I knew before I brought him home there could and probably would be some difficulties. I do know he loved playing around in the snow and he'd done so right up to the day before he died, so he did get to enjoy himself once in a while, at least I know that for sure.

>228 Smiler69: - So sweet! Oh, Ilana, how could you doubt, even for a minute, that you were a terrific mom to Coco? And you have to know that he knew it, too! Just as Charley knows it now!

{{hugs}}

Dear Ilana, have no doubt! As good as Coco was for you, you were that good for him!
----- just stopping by with nothing to say but good wishes for you!

>204 Smiler69: I want to read this book! I read Jon Ronson's book So You've been Publicly Shamed which was fab.

>197 Smiler69: I can see the text lightly in yellow even though I haven't clicked on the spoiler to reveal it! Weird.

Coco was a cutie!!! We (humans) can't know what our animals are going through, he knew you were there for him at all times!

Hi, really struggling with this whole scheduling thing. Two days in a row now, have woken up well past sunset. It doesn't really bother me other than the fact that I must then have a very very short day if I want to try to catch up, or I end up going to bed at some ridiculous hour in the morning because just want to do things! That being said, there are far greater problems in the world. Not among them, but a nuisance to me all the same, my shoulder has been acting up for the past couple of weeks and is quite painful. This is the shoulder I practically, but miraculously did not wrench out of the socket when I slipped down my stairs on some ice many many weeks ago. Did not hurt one bit at the time, for days and weeks after the incident, which I thought rather strange, but was obviously pleased about. A ha! Will see the doctor and also looking forward to a massage this weekend, which I'm sure will do lots of good.

Taking advantage of the current 'first in series' sale, I picked up a book that had been on my Audible wishlist, Assassin's Apprentice, a young adult fantasy story that my tags say 'Seen at Dymocks'... which is how it would have come to my attention, though I can't for the moment recall what Dymock's is... a book distributor from the commonwealth who came up with a 'best of' list, most probably*. I never know whether Fantasy books will be hit or miss with me until I actually read them, since it doesn't tend to be my comfort zone it seems, and this one is hitting all the right notes with me so far. A young boy of six is found and brought to the attention of the prince's man at arms, and eventually taken under the wing of the king, as he is the prince's bastard son. He has a innate gift for communicating with animals, thought this is promptly discouraged and in his tenth year, is put into training to become a highly skilled assassin. Great escapism, and I just love how virtues like honesty and kindness are highly rated... feeling the need for that kind of affirmation right now, I guess. I wonder why?? :-O

I'm tempted to get Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole: Guardians of Ga'Hoole, Books One, Two, and Three from that Audible sale. Does anyone recommend it?

*Yes, Dimocks is an Australian privately owned bookstore chain. Assassin Apprentice was on their best of 2015 list. Just found their 2016 list here: https://www.dymocks.com.au/top-101

Oh boy. Struggling. Struggling, struggling. Hard to get out of bed. And then hard not to stay depressed when looking at the state of the world. Thank heavens I have Charley to cheer me in the mere act of looking at him. And had a really good professional massage tonight, delivered right here in my currently overheated living room. My shoulder has been a real bother. Really strange that the pain took several weeks to declare itself after that bad fall down my slippery stairs. We think it's probably some ripped tendons, or small fibers anyway that are probably in the process of healing, which is what is brining on the pain. Still, seeing my family doctor about it on Monday, just to make sure it's nothing more serious that can lead to chronic pain. Who needs it, right?

Reading has been good. Catching up on some Maigret short stories by George Simenon. He always writes in a short form, and his short stories are really excellent. Great diversion and such a treat to read them in the original French too, as I realised when I got an english audio version of one of his earlier novels that I'd already read. So much of the atmosphere and ambience of the original is lost in translation I find, but still he is widely read in English, so it musn't be that bad, but still.

On audio I will probably finish listening to The Assassin's Apprentice by Robin Hobb tonight or early tomorrow. I've really enjoyed this fantasy set in an alternate medieval age, about a young man growing among the nobility yet set apart and apprenticed... as an assassin of course. I told myself before I started the book that I'd only read the first one and drop the rest, because who needs YET another series to follow, right? But I may be hooked for a few more, and the trouble is the series is then continued in two FURTHER series... so we'll just see how far I have the patience to go with it. All the same, recommended for you fantasy and historical fiction lovers out there.

I do not ignore your posts. I see them the same day, but more often than not I lurk on my own thread and don't have the energy to respond, as I like to take my time thinking about relevant things to say.

>229 jessibud2: Thank you Shelley. The last few days and week have been awkward on many levels, and I think definitely Coco's one year anniversary since passing added to the emotional challenges I'm dealing with. I'm so so so so so very blessed to have Charley, who is the best little dog I could hope for, playful and loving and progressively more and more trusting... but all the same, what Coco and I had was unique, obviously, and his calming little gentle presence saw me through plenty of difficult times. I comfort myself by thinking I probably gave him a much better life than the average pet owner could have.

>230 LizzieD: Hi Peggy, aka 002! You're right. I do like to torture myself with these unanswerable questions sometimes... seems to be a specialty of mine. One of the things that gave me the greatest joy about my time with Coco is seeing hundreds of faces light up at the sight of him during the six years we had together. That was truly a gift he gave to me and to many random smiling strangers who were nearby on the streets and in all the places I smuggled him into... just pure, unalloyed joy! Not too bad for a tiny dog. :-)

I've already just cheered myself up immensely by thinking about that! :-)

>231 LovingLit: Oh, I definitely want to read So You've been Publicly Shamed now you've suggested it, Megan! I was already keen to read more of his work and didn't really know which I should go with next (Men Who Stare at Goats is obviously very popular...). Will add you as a recommender in my tags so I remember who to thank later!

Good observation about the 'spoiler' text. I noticed that too when I posted it and figured they just changed the way it appears. I find it to be a more elegant solution than a bunch of beige bands on the screen, and you have to be a masochist to want to try to read it that way! ;-)

Just finished listening to The Assassin's Apprentice today, a fantasy tale set in an alternate medieval time about a young man who is trained from age 6 onward to become a dispatcher of souls at the king's command. A lovely coming of age story, plenty of adventure, and intimations of special 'gifts' that allow for wordless communication. This is most definitely not my usual fare, as I don't read fantasy all that much. But Robin Hobb is an apt storyteller and has crafted characters you want to find out more about. I was going to just give this first book a listen, taking advantage of a sale, and thought I'd just ignore the rest of the series (who needs yet ANOTHER series to follow when the tbr is already out of control!), but I'm already tempted to listen to the next book. A perfect diversion from current events. ★★★★½

If you'd like to get this audiobook for free via Audible, let me know and I'll send it to you! First come first serve! (I think this only works if you're not already a member).

I just purchased the second book in the trilogy. That's how much I hated the first book. ;-)

>233 Smiler69: Chin up, dear sweet lady. When we cannot change the world on our own we have to concentrate on making the little things better.

Have a lovely weekend.

>235 PaulCranswick: Thank you dear Paul. That is always a good thing to keep in mind. I'm sorry I've been so maudlin over such a long stretch of time. I'm often halfway capable of pulling myself by the bootstraps, but then also very prone to prolonged periods of deep funk, as you've evidently witnessed over these past few years. Really, I ought never complain, because I am blessed in so many ways, and have the huge privilege of spending my days and nights exactly as I see fit (or unfit). I do realize that physically isolating myself as much as I do from friends and acquaintances isn't helpful to my general state of mind, yet at the same time getting together with people requires a huge amount of energy for me, which is why I usually tend to prefer online contact, as I can pace the conversations according to my variegated moods and energy levels. One thing has become very evident to me: having spent two years with a near-constant companion, whom I was able to see and speak to several times a day, I lost a very important source of emotional support in October. I do NOT regret having broken contact with Pierre. Certain aspects of the relationship were exceedingly difficult to deal with, including a seeming impossibility to have disagreements in a mature way, plus underlying sexism and racism that were deeply troubling to me, needless to say. However I must give him huge credit for informing himself on mental illness and depression and actively going out of his way to help keep me out of the deep funk. It's incredibly humbling to realise that one can't always provide for oneself as one should, and that there is always neediness at some level, even when one is fiercely independent. That being said, every day I am grateful for friendships such as the one I have with you. Knowing people like you and so many others in this group actually care really does help get me through the roughest patches. And of course.... there is always Charley, bless his little heart! :-) xox

It's been a zany wild ride for the past 30 hours or so. I went on a troll hunting mission. I was feeling particularly full of vim and vinegar today, and felt like flexing my haiku ninja skills delivering originally crafted insults to insensitive twats who thought it was a good idea to start arguing with me about why the swastika shouldn't be regarded as a hate symbol merely because it had been 'misappropriated' by a psychopaths for a few years during the last century. I was killing it. Turns out I really have a skill at being mean and foul yet funny. Stand-up comedian career maybe? Uhhh. No. Haven't slept. Am going to have to take a couple of sleeping pills tonight though. I needed to give myself a kick in the pants to try to see if I can reboot the program maybe, and get myself off my sorry ass. I am fed up of feeling miserable, and I want to do something about it, but it looks like I'm going to have to get worked up to actually make it happen. So there. And this, which I shared on FB a bit earlier... and I should really be getting to bed now!:

((((hugs)))) for you & Charley.

>238 FAMeulstee: Thank you sweet lady (from Charley too of course)! :-)xx

    

Really loving Robin Hobb and her Farseer Trilogy. When I DO click with fantasy (always an unpredictable genre for me), it's quite a wonderful experience and makes my brain go on overdrive, making all kinds of interesting connections. I'm needing pure entertainment right now, and this is hitting the spot ever so sweetly. Just got to the midway point of book 2, Royal Assassin and about to go spend an Audible credit on the third book, that's how much I'm enjoying her writing and worldview. Set in a Medieval alternate reality, Our hero, the bastard son of the now deceased King-in-waiting is taken under the dying King's wing and raised from childhood to be the royal assassin of the title. Every one in this realm carries a descriptive name. Our young Hero, FitzChivalry Farseer, has telepathic abilities, which enable him to communicate and bond with animals as well as humans, though he must keep the former secret as his gift is seen as a curse by his contemporaries. There are what appear to be zombies, here called 'Forged' people, mindless wandering lost souls who rob and devour anyone they come across. These are sent back by dangerous enemies raiding the coast who are merely intent on destruction. They raid and kill and capture and return the victims to their homes as forged ones, the process of which is so far an unsolved mystery. There is romance and loads of fighting and adventure. There are dogs and wolves and horses to bond with. There are many interesting female characters you want to learn more about. There is a king's fool who looks human enough, in many ways, but may be from another species, though no one knows his story.

During the 'First in trilogy' sale at the end of the month, I ended up purchasing two more books by Hobb, Ship of Magic and Fool's Errand, both from further trilogies, a series of which all form part of the larger Realm of the Elderlings series. I don't remember getting quite so fired up with a series before, never mind one that runs to 16 books so far. Great stuff. I'm so glad I somehow fell on the Dynmock's list of top 101 books chosen by readers last year, where Assassin's Apprentice seems to turn up regularly, since it's on the 2016 list as well and was originally released in 1996: https://www.dymocks.com.au/top-101

Hi Ilana, glad to see that you are enjoying your fantasy reads, if well done, they are the best escape!

Checking in with one of my favourite ladies. Hope everything is going well for you dear lady. xx

>241 DeltaQueen50: Hi Judy! I just finished Royal Assassin: The Farseer Trilogy, Book 2 by Robin Hobb last night, and eager to pursue with the next books. I'm really enjoying the world Hobb creates here, and especially the fact that our hero has a natural gift for communicating with animals. Maybe this series will open me up to more fantasy, though every time I say 'fantasy isn't really my thing' it becomes less and less true. :-)

>242 PaulCranswick: Hi dear Paul. It's 7:14 and I only got out of bed about a half hour ago (I should specify in the PM!). I was awake for a good while, and did wake much earlier in the day too, but just again... not motivated to get out of there. A phase. It'll pass. In the meantime it makes me less effective than ever, needless to say, but happily, I don't have to meet any goals and nobody is standing over me threatening to fire me for poor performance or anything.

Hello, Ilana!

>227 Smiler69: Please don't worry about not finishing Monstrous Regiment - it might have been a TP book that just didn't work for you and even if you did decide TP is not an author for you I will forgive you! :-)

>240 Smiler69: I read Robin Hobb's Farseer trilogy many years ago and loved it but also found that she certainly puts her characters through a lot emotionally. I've been meaning to try rereading the series and continuing with the later trilogies. Glad you are finding them so captivating at the moment.

>244 alcottacre: Hi Stasia! It's been an age since we've been in touch on LT!

>245 souloftherose: Hi Heather! I definitely want to read more Terry Pratchett books, if only because I enjoyed Small Gods so much, I now count it among my all-time favourites. I also liked Wyrd Sisters, Guards! Guards! and Men at Arms a whole lot, and definitely want to read more City Watch books. I'm sure a lot of my appreciation has to do with timing, but also I guess since he's written so many books, it is to be expected that I won't necessarily love all of them.

As for Robin Hobb, I was tempted to jump right into the third book, Assassin's Quest as soon as I finished the second one, but decided to take a small break to work up an even greater appetite since it is quite a long one: over 37 hours for the audiobook (750 pages or so). But it's safe to say I will more than likely get to it well before the end of the month. It's almost impossible to say why certain books or authors click with us, but timing plays a large role and there's something I find comforting about this alternate world, I like the characters (or deeply dislike, accordingly) and I'm really invested in how the plot will unfold.

***



As I was just saying to Heather, I'm taking a small break from the Farseer trilogy and picked up a murder mystery I've had for close to a decade, Jeffrey Archer's A Prisoner of Birth, which I'd seen mentioned on a best-of list somewhere. A young man who has just proposed to his pregnant girlfriend on a night out is wrongfully accused of the murder of his best friend, when three friends who have known each other since their college days and call themselves The Three Musketeers ('All for one, one for all') start a fight which gets out of control. Danny Cartwright is a clever boy, though he's lived in a poor neighbourhood all his life and doesn't know how to read and write, initially. Despite his lawyer's best efforts he lands in jail, sentenced for life, and his lawyer vows to get him out somehow. He gets a lucky break when a decent guard decides to put in a cell with an ex-army officer, who takes Danny under his wing and teaches him to become literate and generally acquire some finesse. The Count of Monte Christo is mentioned several times and there are some parallels, not least of which is the theme of vengeance. I'm more than halfway through now, as today made time for it and listened several hours in a row. I'd say it's unputdownable. Really gripping and very entertaining. My first book by Jeffrey Archer, and probably not my last since the library has quite a selection on audio.

Ah, Jeffrey Archer. It can be as good as it likes but the man himself is so utterly repellent, I refuse to ever even consider reading anything he writes. Hope that doesn't put you off, or taint your enjoyment!

>247 lunacat: Jenny, I looked him up on wikipedia yesterday and did see he is of questionable character. I knew not the first thing about him when I started the book, and I've been enjoying it so much that it hasn't tainted my appreciation of the book. I guess all my critical thinking and intolerance is directed at one specific man these days... he who must not be named. ;-)

#2 checking in and hoping you are feeling well tonight. I love that you're arting, Charleying, and reading a lot - and I must read the Hobbs that I have on hand. I think I'm also glad that J. Archer hasn't ever called my name. I'm not reading much of anything right now even though I love everything that I've started and have waiting.

>249 LizzieD: I was thinking of you just now Peggy. I'll tag you on the fb post. I was just going to post this screen capture, one because I was really touched by what Deborah said to me, and I also thought it would be a good opportunity to send a message to my mum, and it turned into yet another of our dissatisfying typical exchanges; whenever I try to encourage her to have more contact, however brief, or somehow communicate about things that need to be said, or even simple comments in general. It's really very very difficult. I think I'll print it and show it to my therapist tomorrow, as a concrete example of what I talk about when I try to explain why it's so difficult for us to communicate. Is it just me or is there a lack of warmth and understanding there? I do want your opinion. I don't know if I'm spinning false tales to myself when I try to imagine what it would be like if I didn't have this weighing on my shoulders all the time. Seems to me would make life just a tad easier somehow.



I'm really wrapped up in Prisoner by Birth. We all know Charles Dickens was horrible to his women, yet we admire his novels nonetheless. I'm not saying Jeffrey Archer is the next Dickens, but he does know how to spin a good yarn. This story is strongly inspired by Alexandre Duman (père) and The Count of Monte Cristo. It's really well paced and just a really good entertainment, and I'm needing me plenty of that these days to help pick me up. I'm really looking forward to finishing it now as am almost done and can't wait to see how he exacts his tailor-made revenge plots on each of the three 'Musketeers'. He's just starting in on his schemes now and I'm sure will make for a satisfying denouement.

We've doubled my dose of Wellbutrin today to try to get me out of bed more easily. We'll see how that goes. Last week's efforts were a nice break from the doldrums, but I would need repeated and regular application. Probably increasing the anti-depressants will make that process much simpler.

>250 Smiler69: Jeffrey Archer and Charlie Dick. Not seen them put together in the same sentence before, Ilana, so I am intrigued. I have actually met Jeffrey Archer funnily enough over coffee in the Bangsar Shopping Centre in Malaysia. He is a frequent visitor here apparently and we have a couple of mutual friends. I didn't speak much with him but he was throughly charming and I have to say that his wife was extremely pleasant.

Have a lovely Sunday, dear.

>251 TheWorstOffender: Hey Jude! I didn't recognize you off the bat. Thanks for dropping by. I'll friend you here too now you're back. Don't let the trolls drive you away this time! ;-)

>252 PaulCranswick: I do realize that comparing Jeffrey Archer to our good ol' Dickens might seem like a stretch... I was only making that comparison because Archer is a writer of bestsellers as was Dickens, but more importantly, both men are known to have had serious shortcomings. Probably another contemporary writer would have suited better to make my point, but Chuck Dick was the first one who came to mind! I read on his wikipedia page that Archer's wife claims she doesn't believe that fidelity is all that important in a marriage and they apparently have a great friendship. I say, whatever works!

>253 Smiler69: I'm not so much concerned about his infidelity or womanising. As you say, infidelity and how acceptable it is is between him and his wife, and none of our business. It's the convictions of perjury and perverting the course of justice that are my main issues with him!

>254 lunacat: I'd have to read up a little bit more about the perjury charges. I saw on his wikipedia page there's at least a paragraph devoted to it, but then again, I don't feel like I need to know the details. Now I feel like it's almost taboo to read him at all! lol. Not really, just kidding.

I'm sure you won't let my prejudices against him taint your enjoyment. After all, they're my issues, not yours, and I'm glad you're enjoying the entertainment he provides. That's all that matters :)

Dear Friend

I'm stopping by to say hello and let you know that I am thinking of you. Much Love!

Me too dropping by for a visit and hope all's well in your world.
Just starting Being a Dog and Following a Dog into a World of Smell. It is very interesting! It will explain some of Maggie's behaviours no doubt.

---- and my ma is reading A Dog's Purpose, a novel from the dog's pov, I think.
Hi, Ilana!

Just finished reading the Maigret short stories, which I was taking in slowly here and there. Loved every bit of it and feel like understand the detective better now. Best of all is the atmosphere, which no translation can quite convey like Simenon did in the original French text. ★★★★½

Thank you for visiting and commenting! It's late now and I want to call it a day, so I'll be back to respond.

>260 Smiler69: My french is insufficient to appreciate the nuances and atmosphere of Simenon in the vernacular but I still love the Maigret books - all nine million of them!

I am presently reading his journals - When I Was Old, which are very interesting.

Have a lovely weekend, dear lady.

Just a speak ---- Hope all is well with you, Ilana!

>256 lunacat: I have another book of his from the library, but as it's the start of a series, which I already have too many of I think it'll wait on the back burner for a while.

>257 Whisper1: Thank you Linda, I think of you often as well. xo

>258 mdoris: We do love our puppies so, don't we? I'm so grateful to have Charley with me, very lucky indeed.

>259 LizzieD: Hi Peggy!

>261 PaulCranswick: Thank you Paul! There certainly are a lot of Maigret books, aren't there? But I plan on getting through them all, however long it takes me to. I also have, what I believe is his autobiography? (off to check) It's called Pedigree and from what I understand, it's autobiographical fiction.

***

Struggling more than necessary, probably. I try to take care of myself as best I can. There's probably a lot more I should be doing. For now I'm working on getting an acceptable sleep schedule going. It's hard for me, because I've always been a night bird. That's when my brain activity seems to be at it's peak, which is a problem, obviously.

>262 LizzieD: Hi Peggy, well, as you saw on FB tonight, I'm having a bit of a rough ride, but really it's all in my head because externally, I'm very blessed, so eventually it should clear up a little. ;-)

Hi Ilana, thought I better check in and make sure you didn't get buried in snow. We saw pictures of the storm on tv and it looked pretty bad. It's that time of year when all one wants to see is some sure sign that spring is coming! Luckily we are getting some sunshine today after a long grey spell.

Just checking in on you, Ilana! Happy Sunday!

I'll be finishing two books today. Usually I average somewhere between 10-12 or more books per month, but so far in March I've only completed 3. It doesn't matter one way or another, since one of the few things I 'planned' for this year as far as reading goes is to not bother about the number of books I read by year's end, to encourage myself to read longer works. Assassin's Quest by Robin Hobb is the last book and my least favourite in the Farseer trilogy, mostly because I'm finding it overlong and seems to me a lot could have been edited out. Still, I have the next book in the next trilogy within the Elderlings series, which I'll listen to eventually. The other books is Living Well Is the Best Revenge by Calvin Tomkins, which had been on my tbr since 2011. It's about Sarah and Gerald Murphy, an American couple who were at the nexus of The Lost Generation, living in France in the 1920's and with authors Ernest Hemingway (and wives) and F. Scott Fitzgerald and Zelda, Picasso and many other important figures in culture and art of the period who spent time in their villa in the South of France. According to my ever-useful, if obsessive tagging, this books was included in the bibliography of The Paris Wife, which I believe is how it first came to my attention. Recommended. Also, it's short and sweet and quite lovely in the Modern Library edition.

>264 DeltaQueen50: Hi Judy! I'm hearing the snow removal trucks working outside this very moment. Seems I never get tired of the snow, fresh snow, that is, and the more the better. We've had lovely sunshine and weather around zero degrees celsius in the last couple of days, so very pleasant to walk around in. Some kids were wearing t-shirts today, but of course they're insane. I was wearing my lighter winter coat and putting on and removing then putting on again hat, mitts and scarf. I don't so much look forward to early spring because it's quite a yucky time here in Montreal. All the grime and dirt comes to the surface once the snow melts away, with wet puddles of disintegrating do poo everywhere. None too appealing. Also, I always end up feeling incredibly lonely in spring, for some reason, whereas I never feel that way in the winter. Possibly because it seems like I should be socializing more as the rest of the city does, even though I don't necessarily feel like being with people.

>265 alcottacre: Hi Stasia. I'm looking forward to better days. This one has been filled with spontaneous tears pouring out of my eyes seemingly at random moments. I'm looking forward to the increase in my anti-depressants taking effect.

I finished Living Well is the Best Revenge by Calvin Tomkins last night and found it to be an excellent biography that I have no doubt will linger with me for a long time. Excellent, excellent. It had been languishing in a pile of "To Read ASAP" books (of which there are several hundreds, if not thousands by now). I was considering writing a review for it when I found the comments our dear friend Pat (@phebj) made in 2011, which commentary made me add this little gem to my wishlist. I then saw it listed in the bibliography of The Paris Wife that year and am slowly getting my hands on most of the books on that list. I don't think I can improve on Pat's review, and I miss her dearly, and I thought it would be fitting to post it here:

'This is a short biography of the lives of Gerald and Sara Murphy, wealthy Americans who chose to spend the 1920s and early 1930s living in France. They became friends with Hemingway, Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald, Pablo Picasso and Fernand Leger among others. “Archibald MacLeish, another old and very close friend, remarked that from the beginning of the Murphys’ life in Europe, ‘person after person--English, French, American, everybody--met them and came away saying that these people really are masters in the art of living.’”

Although in many ways the Murphys lived a charmed life in the 1920s, things changed in the 30s. The love of painting that Gerald had discovered (and was very good at) was abandoned when he had to return to New York to take over the family business (Mark Cross, a leather goods store), and both of their sons succumbed to illnesses before they reached adulthood. The book contains almost 50 pages of photographs and the one I’ll remember is of the outlines of their new yacht that Gerald drew to scale in white lime on the lawn outside their son’s hospital window. It summed up for me the combination of fortune and misfortune in their lives.

This book seemed like a New Yorker magazine profile and it turned out that’s exactly how it started out. Calvin Tompkins was a staff writer at The New Yorker and their art critic for years as well as a friend of the Murphys. One of the best parts of the book is his discussion of Gerald’s paintings which were done in a “style that lay midway between realism and abstraction.” Gerald “once told a friend that he was never entirely happy until he began painting, and that he was never really happy again after he stopped.”

This is a well told, bittersweet story of some interesting people that is going into my “Good Quick Reads” collection. Recommended. ( ★★★★)'

Pat and I both agreed on the rating as well, though on further thinking, I may add a half star because I will very likely revisit this book and the Murphys's story as I read more works by and about their author and artist friends. I was taken by the image of their magnificent sailboat at sea, the Weatherbird, which was designed and built by a White Russian émigré and member of the Diaghilev ballet troupe who became friends with the Murphys. With her comment about that white lime outline of that glorious vision drawn by Gerald Murphy outside the hospital window, Pat fully brought home to me just how poignant that image was.

The cover of my Modern Library edition shows one of Gerald Murphy's paintings, Cocktail, 1927, oil on canvas. He spent several months reproducing the cigar box label alone.

I don't know about the rest, but my reading life is most excellent right now:

  

Major major migraine today, which I've somehow managed to tame with lots and lots of sleep and avoiding all daylight (also, drugs)... indeed sleeping till well past an hour after sundown on the reading couch with an unplugged heating blanket and Charley's heating pad under me legs, with Charley somewhere nearby. I got better sleep there than I usually do in my own bed where I'm always plagued with exceedingly troubling dreams. Story of my life though, because I remember this being the case when I was a small child too (somehow, and I know my dad reads me and will appreciate the context, I have a clear memory of going to sleep in my bedroom in his apartment on Clark Street here in Montreal. He'd sing me Polish and Russian and Hebrew songs to put me to sleep, and I had lots of fun toys and books there. Unfortunately, I also remember exceeding troubling dreams and having to have him console me sometimed. Just anxious by nature I guess. I haven't taken any Fiorinal in nearly a year mainly because of very unpleasant side-effects, but today decided some painkillers were probably a good idea to avoid the punishing pain. And it seems this time the combination of restful sleep and codeine pills taken regularly managed to put a veil on the pain. I know it's still there, but there's a barrier on the nerve signals somehow, and that's just fine by me. Drinking lots of doses of Metamucil today to try to counter the opiate curse. Off to go lay on that beloved reading couch shortly with Angela Carter's Nights at the Circus, which I plan on plunging into for at least a couple of hours. Charley is usually happy to share that tiny space with me, and it always makes me extra contented when he does.

I've made some amazing and very special friends indeed in this group. I'm more grateful about that than I can express right now. ❤️

Oh Ilana, so sorry to hear that you have had such a tough day. Really hope that tomorrow is way better.

>269 Smiler69: Nights at the Circus would make my headache worse!

Hope it has the opposite impact upon you, Ilana and leads you to a peaceful Sunday.

Hope today was a better day, Ilana, hugs for you and Charlie.

Strange day. I hate this kind of day... just feel disconnected from everything and without purpose or desire for anything. Just bleh. Do you dear reader of this post get those too?

Dear Ilana, I'm glad that you were able to cope with yesterday's pain. Today's bleh is a direct result, I'm guessing. And yes, even without migraines I get those days. Thank goodness that they aren't permanent! I won't even counsel you to be patient; if anybody has learned patience, it's you.
Did I say? I think your reading R. Hobb is what started me on Ship of Magic. I'm reading some every day and enjoying it. I had the 2nd book and just ordered the 3rd. I'll have to dig the *Farseers* out of the attic, I guess.

>269 Smiler69: Hope you are starting to feel better now Ilana.

>274 Smiler69: Yep, yesterday. Stuff is starting to produce pollen here and it's getting to my sinuses. I get draggy and can't think. I caught myself just sitting in my office chair staring off into space a couple of times - and given my usual energy level, this is *not right*. Today seems better.

I picked up I'm Judging You: The Do-Better Manual by Luvvie Ajayi and basically finished it in one long 'sitting' (i.e. the audiobook version) today. While doing errands and then making an apple crumble, which always promises lots of uninterrupted listening time. I found the chapters on racism and on feminism and intersectionality of particular interest, because these are discussion topics I've come across a lot on Facebook, where white women are usually asked to shut up and just listen. This is fine, but I hadn't been clear on what the message I was supposed to receive was. What I came away with mostly, is that white people need to acknowledge their privilege; the other things Luvvie said a white person should not say or do have never occurred to me as anything desirable in any way; I will certainly never in this lifetime wear blackface nor call a person who has darker skin than me that nasty n-word. What she doesn't say and which I add is I will never stand by and see a person be insulted or upbraided as part of a power play without speaking up. As a Canadian, the discussion on race in America is really frightful, and I like to smugly think that things here in Canada are much better, because NO slavery, and because anti hate-speech laws. But I guess that's easy for me to say, because I'm one of the pales people I've ever known, and as such, probably don't have the first idea of what it's like to move around in this place with a darker skin colour. It's all terribly alienating somehow, to think that we haven't yet resolved these issues and that in fact in the world we live in today, racism and prejudice and hate are more present than they've ever been in my lifetime, probably. I can't let myself dwell too long on how let down I feel by humanity because that brings me to a dark place I fall into often enough without any active effort on my part. Born in 1969, I was promised the Age of Aquarius and I really believed that humanity as a whole would somehow reach a 'higher level of vibration'... (what I believe the lingo was at the time). While this enlightened approach is reached by individuals and groups of people, we are far from this being a global phenomena. When the current POTUS was announced as the winner of the election last year, all residual fantasies I might have had about humanity becoming more humane in my lifetime have more or less evaporated.

Other than that, I'm doing fine, other than very sore gums after a visit to the dentist. I thought I was getting a full crown, but will get a partial crown instead, which is fine by me. Second part of the procedure in three weeks. I'm going for gold, because that's what dentists would choose for themselves, apparently, and mostly because it's said to be the longest lasting material, and the price difference for this costly procedure between porcelain and gold isn't worth haggling over.

Reading your recent comments, I struck me that I had completely forgotten yesterday... forgotten ALL about the killer migraine I'd had just the day before and how much of that day had been devoted to minimising the pain. Had I realized this, I might not have wondered so much about why I was feeling more or less unmoored yesterday. Living in the moment is not a problem for me, but keeping track of time and events certainly is.

I've abandoned two audiobooks this week, The Aeronaut's Windlass and All the Old Knives by Olen Steinhauer. I'm especially sorry about the Jim Butcher book not having worked out this time, because it came so highly recommended by at least two people, Heather and Joe, and I was very much into the idea of a book with talking cats. But alas, too many battle scenes, or maybe it was just one battle scene for all I know, but it seemed to last forever and ever and I couldn't sustain my interest when it seemed it was still not going to end soon enough. The second book... I felt very much like it was written for someone who was basically anyone but myself. So that's that.

Answering your kind and loving comments next.

>270 mdoris: Hi Mary and thank you for your kind note. Yesterday turned out to be blah, and today there was a yucky visit to the dentist (when is a visit to the dentist FUN, right??), but on the whole I'm pleased with this day because I had to get up early and now I feel like I was able to cram a lot into it. Tomorrow should be even better, if I manage not to sleep it all away.

>271 PaulCranswick: Paul, I take it you're not a fan of Nights at the Circus then? Do tell? I'm about one third of the way in now and finding it to be a mighty strange brew, and am extremely grateful my reading glass prescription is still doing its job, because my copy has tiny tiny text which would give me a headache otherwise. I can't say I knew what to expect, other than it would be strange, coming as it does from Angela Carter (whose Bloody Chamber and Other Stories I enjoyed very much almost exactly two years ago), but yes, I read about sad clowns last, and it was a very sad chapter indeed.

>272 FAMeulstee: Thank you Anita. I always take comfort from the fact that things are always bound to change with time. So pain and depression are always more tolerable when you know that the next day could bring all kinds of surprises, and even more so when there are supportive friends around to give encouragement. Charley seems to know when I don't have energy for play, as he stays quiet and sleeps most of the day, but then also has a knack for knowing when playing will cheer me up. He's really quite wonderful and very sensitive and it seems we generally are on a similar wavelength.

>273 TheWorstOffender: What you describe sounds like a difficult ordeal to have gone through all alone, Jude, with no moral and emotional support... Every day I'm grateful for a circle of friends who are generous in spirit and never seem to lose patience with me for failing to get my act together... we all do the best we can, right? I definitely want to read a lot more of Angela Carter's work. I've got The Magic Toyshop in the stacks, as well as Wise Children and Angela Carter's Book of Fairy Tales. I'm sure there'll be more eventually too, though I'm already looking forward to rereading The Bloody Chamber & etc, because I'm sure her stories must give renewed satisfaction with each visit.

>275 LizzieD: Your comment is what reminded me of my battles on Sunday... it had all completely escaped my mind by yesterday, but I guess my body hand't forgotten it for all that.
I'm so excited you're picked up Robin Hobb and enjoying her work! I actually have Ship of Magic from a recent Audible sale, as the first in the The Liveship Traders trilogy, and also have Fool's Errand, the first of the Tawny Man Trilogy. No doubt I'll be spending Audible credits on the books I haven't got yet.

Bleh days... this last one showed me what a wonderful network of friends I have (as if I'd doubted it for a moment!) and how much better it makes me feel to just even know others go through the same aches and pains... reminds me it's just part of the human condition and not some personal curse or whatever. I never rail against being melacholic by nature, because that place also allows me to be an artist and a thinker, but bleh days just seem like such a waste... until I remember that we all need down time to bound back into life. Or just to regroup and recoup.

>276 souloftherose: Thank you Heather, and yes, I am better. Took a Fiorinal for the tooth/gum ache and I'm very pleased to discover it's working very well. It's always a hit or miss when it comes to relieving migraine pain, so I'm glad to know I'm not entirely resistant to the drug when it is needed. Also, took Charley for three walks today so far today to run various errands and played with him on a couple of occasions, and that somehow contributed to the overall goodness of my day.

>277 drneutron: Oh dear oh dear, so sorry to hear about your pollen allergies, Jim. I'm lucky not to have that particular hassle, though my mum is allergic to just about everything airborne and spends months on end reacting to one form of pollen or another... so I know how debilitating it can be. Don't they have good antihistamines now that don't put a person to sleep? Stupid question I guess, since you'd be taking them, but then the brain activity you need to put into your work far surpasses what the average person needs to expend, so any lag in the mental processes must be even more acutely felt. Glad to know you're doing better today though.

For my friends who aren't on Facebook:

I hope you are recovering from both the tooth pain and the migraine today, Ilana!

What Stasia said, Ilana.

Good comments on racism; it's difficult to fathom if you're a decent human being, and easy to not contribute to if you're ditto, IMO. Just treat everyone as individuals, with respect and kindness, and don't make assumptions. (That can get challenging, of course).

But in the U.S. there are a lot of environments and a lot of people filled with bizarre (to me) racial assumptions. Part of me thinks that in a hundred years people will look back on us all as shameful primitives, and part of me wonders whether it will take at least a thousand years or more for us collectively to really be post-racial.

I'm sorry The Aeronaut's Windlass didn't work for you. It's like getting off a theme park ride and thinking everyone will find it as wonderful as I did. Not going to happen. :-)

Good Morning!
I just received the notification about this book from my former library and I thought of you.
Weaver, Stephanie, author.
The migraine relief plan : an 8-week transition to better eating, fewer headaches, and optimal health / Stephanie Weaver, MPH, CWHC ; foreword by Ian Purcell, MD, PHD.
Hope that spring is starting to happen in Montreal!

What a blow that it takes toothache to keep your headache company so I won't give you earache for not being here much lately as you are always a sight for sore eyes. xx

    

2 new books going: Moranifesto by Caitlin Moran to follow up on her novel I just finished yesterday and was so touched by I gave it 5 stars. This would be for How To Build a Girl. Moranifesto is a collection of pieces on politics and commentary on our times, culled from her biweekly column in the Times. I love her sense of humour and her ability to approach any topic with her very own brand of brash curiosity. On a completely different note, I also picked up The Anchoress by Robyn Cadwallader, which I'd been curious about since it was released. The two books DO have women as their main subjects, which I guess isn't such a coincidence since I've been feeling myself return to my feminist roots since they elected a sexual predator to be the leader of the free world, as some of my FB friends might have noticed. Off to bed early for once, will read in bed till I can keep my eyes open no more. Right now I've still got Nights at the Circus by Angela Carter and also slowly making my way through The Bedside Book of Birds by Graeme Gibson, a wonderful collection for nature lovers which was put together by Margaret Atwood's husband.

>282 alcottacre: Hi Stasia, well the toothache is now gone and won't be reactivated till the 18th, when I return to the dentist for the installation of the partial crown. At least I take comfort in knowing that kind of pain is only temporary and soon passes. Thanks for dropping by!

>283 jnwelch: Joe, I've been participating (and mostly listening to) discussions on race from WOC on FB and what I hear is sometimes alarming, namely that even those of us who think we are open-minded and liberal and see everyone on an equal footing etc, white people act in racist ways and take our privileges as for granted. For example, I had no idea that someone saying "I don't even see color" could be taken negatively, but apparently this makes a lot of POC feel we're denying them their culture with that mindset. It's all terribly complex and sadly I do agree that it'll be some time before we evolve past race discrimination. Something tells me that if/when we ever get there, a lot of other issues will have gotten resolved as well, since of course everything is interconnected.

I might give The Aeronaut's Windlass a try again some other time. This was just not the right timing for it.

>284 mdoris: Thanks for the book tip, Mary, I will definitely look it up, maybe get my library to purchase it if they don't already have it.

>285 PaulCranswick: Hi Paul, I know I've been MIA... but I'm MIA in my own life lately too. Sleeping loads and loads and getting quite stoned out of my head on this brownie I got at the medical cannabis dispensary... one tiny morsel like the tip of your finger goes a very long way indeed. Self-medicating the pain of depression away. I saw my shrink today and we'll do blood tests to see if some physical problem, such as thyroid being off might prevent the anti-depressants from doing their job properly. I look forward to participating in this group more... xx

>287 Smiler69: Yes. I do hope people try that formula: treat everyone as individuals, with respect and kindness, and don't make assumptions. It seems to go a long, long way toward where we want to be.

This group looks forward to your participating more too!
Hope you're finding some good equilibrium today, Ilana, and that you'll have time for books and art and Charley and walks --- are you finally getting to see more signs of spring?
We are really greening out here while enjoying manageable temps. It's great to have spring before summer pounces.
I can't wait to see what you have to say about The Anchoress. I'll wait for your verdict, but it looks like my kind of thing. I do recommend Jim Wallis's America's Original Sin for a clear take on white privilege and possible positive steps.
And I'm about to finish Ship of Magic, but I can't go too quickly because the 2nd book of the trilogy isn't here from PBS yet. Good stuff!

>288 jnwelch: Joe, I'm glad you are out there and strengthening our communities just by being the person you are. xx

>289 LizzieD: Aw... if I could just let go of current events and return to my quiet reading and art practices... I know I'm not alone in this struggle, and far from it. So many people have been thrown off kilter since November and having trouble resuming former composure. I really admire those who manage these difficult times with grace and nothing but kindness in their hearts. I've always had this ideal in my heart of what being someone like that could be (she looks and sounds amazingly like Audrey Hepburn!), but we are each made from a different mold, and I have a fiery temperament to contend with, which makes me act out in sometimes very funny and often inappropriate ways. I'm discovering other, newer role models, or if not role models, then at least refections of women I can identify with, as far as temperament and general attitude to life. This latest discovery is Caitlin Moran which I think I've mentioned in relations to How to Build a Girl, which hit me right in the guts and made me literally laugh and cry (the second five-star read for me so far this year). I was intending to write a proper review about it, and pretty sure I wrote something about it on Facebook, which I was going to paste over here too, and obviously forgot. Will do so soon. I've subscribe to the (London) Times just so I could read her biweekly column and get a regular dose of her writing, though there are more published collected works to read yet, including her How to Be a Woman which I can't wait to get my hands on. In the meantime, alternating between the following novel, and adoring Caitlin Moran's incisive and hilariously cheeky critiques on society on Moranifesto.

  

Absolutely LOVING The Anchoress by Robyn Cadwallader right now. Set in the 13th century, it's told from two perspectives, young Sarah, 17, the anchoress herself, who has chosen to live virtually immured for the rest of her life, following what we soon learn was some kind of romantic improprieties and tragic death in the family. The other narrator is the young priest, a scribe who is given the task of visiting Sarah on a weekly basis to give her spiritual nourishment on her difficult and solitary journey, while having no understanding whatsoever of what a woman, however humble in her wish to be close to her god, wants and needs to survive and thrive, though he may yet learn a thing or two. Is it surprising that I'm finding a lot of my current self in that story? It's a gorgeous book, beautifully told and surprisingly un-boring, considering most of the action takes place in a tiny stone cell. Several interesting characters add colour and variety to the tale; her two helpers, women who are expected to be just as virtuous as young Sarah has devoted herself to be, and a former boorish suitor who is her so-called benefactor and bent on breaking her out of her solitude and seducing her, much against her will. The audiobook version is beautifully narrated too.

In other, very boring news, I've got to bring in my computer to the Apple Store for repairs, after three years of tinkering with it with the good AppleCare people and finding no solution to what ails my machine. This will mean no proper keyboard on phone or tablet and limited posting abilities. They can't at all give me a timeline, but I'm normally bringing it on Monday evening and we'll see what the turnaround is from there. I'm kind of nervous about it, because I've never gone a whole day of not having a computer out of my reach for a very long time, though of course it can only be a very healthy thing to have time away from it for a bit, if I can manage to stay off the iPhone as well...

eta: 'upgraded' Anchoress mini-review.

Mmmm. The Anchoress sounds good! I don't know Caitlyn Moran, but obviously I should.
AND The Mad Ship arrived today, so I can go ahead and polish off #1 tomorrow and dive right in.
Oh brother, do I ever wish you patience with keyboard deprivation! I shudder.

(Oh phooey. I couldn't wait. I went ahead and bought a cheap, used copy of *Anchoress* while one was available. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.)

:-D Good for you on jumping right onto The Anchoress. I am quite convinced you'll love it as much as I do. Only 116 people have listed her so far in their LT libraries, and I think she deserves to be widely read and really needs to be discovered. I'm saying this and only halfway through the novel, but no matter how it continues and eventually ends, she's won me over from the first pages.

Caitlin Moran probably doesn't appeal to everyone. For one thing, she LOVES sex, started early and is very vocal and oversharing about it and the activities of her vagina in general. She's very loud, talks very fast, is absolutely in your face and unapologetic about it. She's also, no so surprisingly, a feminist, come by her beliefs through life experiences (as one might expect from that sort of girl who also happens to be provided with a very good brain). She was raised in council housing with eight siblings and her father on disability in the Thatcher years, so she knows all about absolute poverty and hopelessness, class structure, and has somehow crossed the class boundaries with the gift of her journalistic writing, which she started doing professionally at sixteen (!) just to get out of an utterly hopeless financial situation with no prospects for improvement. She's just a few years younger than me, and we are most definitely of the same generation, with a lot of common cultural references, though she is British and I am not. She talks about Courtney Love and David Bowie and a bunch of pop icons I grew up with as well. She spent her childhood in the library (a survival mechanism for so many of us); she has a short list of favourite words she likes to recite once in a while. I'm a fan. I really am. That's MY story and I'm sticking to it. :-) ;-)

Excited too that you are enjoying the Robin Hobb series. You're a whole book ahead of me already! I'll have to play catch up soon!

...ooh, The Bedside Book of Birds sounds great. I had not heard of that one. Thanks, Ilana. Off to make my request...

>292 Smiler69: I think that Caitlin Moran would be my cup of tea. Anyone so fond of intimacy would normally set my poetics afire!

Have a lovely weekend, dear lady. xx

>293 msf59: Mark, I know you too love birds, and I'm certain you'll enjoy The Bedside Book of Birds. I don't know if you'd be interested, but Graeme Gibson followed up that book with The Bedside Book of Beasts, which I've read and is equally fascinating.

>294 PaulCranswick: I hope you do very much enjoy Caitlin Moran when you get to her. She's one of those authors I wish I'd discovered sooner, because she somehow makes me feel so much better about myself and some of the questionable choices I made when I had a sex drive that was basically ruling my life. It's been quite a journey to self-acceptance, and I'm not quite *there* yet, but I think her writing is doing me a lot of good in that direction. xx

***

It was an absolutely gorgeous, spring day today, and I opted to spend most of it in bed, only getting up around 6 PM (!) thought that includes about an hour catching up on my Facebook feed. I finished The Anchoress last night and giving just a bit more than four stars, because I really loved it. I'm glad the author chose to leave the story more or less open-ended. I think I would have been disappointed if she'd given us pat answers. Heartily recommended, though I know I already managed to sell Peggy on this one! :-)

About to finish Moranifesto tonight when I go walk Charley, and just now will go sit with him on the reading chair to finish The Night Circus. Only 40 pages to go, but I'd say this book is fascinating and also incredibly dense. There is just so much constantly happening, most of it rather unexpected, which is, I guess what you can expect from Angela Carter, i.e. the unexpected. After that will be the hard decision of picking my next listen and eye-reading choices.

Glad you had such a lovely day, Ilana! It was gorgeous here too.
So many books! I need to read *Night Circus*, but it can't be now. Anyhow, *Anchoress* is on its way!

>267 Smiler69: books that languish for ages in the TBR pile and end up paying up big time are so satisfying. You'll feel good for having finished it! Now I want to read it too.

>286 Smiler69: argh! I want to read Moranifesto too. It has been on my radar for a while now. And I seem to be on a bit of a feminist bent too lately.

Completing all my books at once this week, and was very relieved to finish Nights at the Circus tonight. I wish I'd had the brain capacity to enjoy it more, and perhaps I will enjoy it more on a second visit eventually. This story about an American reporter who becomes obsessed with an aerialist and decides to follow around Fevvers, a woman who may or may not be half human, half swan. Every single paragraph is packed brimful with imagery and ideas and most of it slightly off kilter. Endlessly fascinating, it's a picaresque novel and we travel with the their circus from London to deep Siberia on a train which is eventually blown up by outlaws. All of this with a huge cast of characters you can well imagine are rather on the colourful side... But unfortunately I find it difficult to try to think too deeply these days, my brain refuses to go into complex neural paths maybe, for all I know. So, it was just too much of a good thing basically, which is a ridiculous thing to say, but so it was. It did very much make me want to revisit The Night Circus, which I read in 2011 along with other LTers.

Also just completely Moranifesto as I took Charley for his night walk. I've talked a lot about Caitlin Moran lately, so you'd almost think I have a crush on her, but no, it's just I like her combination of smarts and brashness and social conscience. Also the dirty bits are quite funny. I'll be listening to her narrate How to Be a Woman soon.

>296 LizzieD: The highlight of my day Peggy was that when I finally got out of bed today, the sky had covered over a bit and I went to my back balcony to see what the weather was like, still wearing my pjs. The neighbours across the alleyway have a large yard and are always inviting friends over on weekend for loud and joyful get-togethers, sitting around a table all afternoon, and one of these friends moved right next door to me last year. Very friendly lady, and I've known the party-giving neighbour for a decade now (though I was distraught that I could not remember her name at all). Anyway, all of that isn't really relevant to the story, which is a simple one. When I opened the door, my next-door neighbour saw me; there were two cute poodles among the gaggle of children and adults, I commented on them saying Charley would love to play with them and we were invited over. That's all. Just that. I got dressed and went over, and they were a friendly bunch, as their friends always are, and I ate a piece of apple pie one of the young girls had made (tasty and VERY sweet) and chatted to one of the dog owners, who had to most adorable chestnut brown toy poodle. Charley had fun exploring the dogs and ground and I got an open invitation to come back. We stayed for maybe 30 minutes and then went on our walk, both of us cheered up, not least because it was warm enough to just wear a light coat for me, and just the harness for Charley.

>297 LovingLit: Megan, I think if you're the least bit interested in the Lost Generation and their famous friends, this little book is a must. There's been quite a lot of biographical fiction written mostly from the women's point of view on that period in the last years, and I'm willing to bet Living Well is the Best Revenge was among all of their reference materials.

I've just only discovered Caitlin Moran, which is sort of weird considering she's been at it for a little more than 25 years... How do you know her, I'd be curious to know? I've accumulated quite a few women's non-fiction books and will probably delve into them more than I have done previously. I just feel that need at this time. Not a conscious decision, just part of coming into my own as woman. As I understand it, that process can take a lifetime for some of us... :-)

What a fine bit of serendipity, your looking out at the exactly right moment and then enjoying the time with Charley! Makes me happy again!

>299 LizzieD: Goodness knows I spend way too much time feeling unhappy, but it doesn't take that much to satisfy me, so there's that, at least.

I just started reading I Served the King of England by Bohumil Hrabal tonight. It had been on my wishlist for ages and I finally ordered copies for both me and my mother, when she told me she'd be interested in reading it. So far, quite amusing.

I just tried updating my current reading using my iPhone and I don't think I'll be doing that very much. Takes forever and it's almost impossible. I'm computerless for the next week most probably, i'm grateful for the dictation feature without a proper keyboard to type onto, Though it has its limitations. I'm reading a book by Camilla Läckberg, I think the title in English might be The Stone Cutter? I have that whole series on audiobooks in the French translation from the library. I find her books are always a bit melodramatic, but I always get really hooked anyway.

I have seen some tv-adaptions of Camilla Läckbergs books. I have the series on my "I want to start that series someday"-list ;-)
Indeed, book 3 of the Erica Falck & Patrik Hedström series has the English title The Stone Cutter

Hi Ilana, I am just catching up here as I haven't been very active on LT lately. We are planning to downsize this summer and so have been sorting and getting rid of 40 years of junk. I was also down and out with Shingles for a couple of weeks as well which wasn't pleasant at all. I am planning on reading How to Build a Girl by Caitlin Moran next month which will be my first experience with this author.

Ilana, it occurred to me last night after I logged off the computer that with your wonderful raincoat with the beautiful lining and plain, solid outer - you become a Persephone edition. I'll have to think about that one!

Hi friends. Sorry I've been awol lately, my computer is being repaired, and LT isn't exactly device-friendly, so that even just updating my reading is a chore. I just finished reading I Served the King of England, which I have mixed feelings about. Am currently listening to Ready Player One and surprised that I can find a book about video games of any interest at all, but so far, maybe a fifth of the way in, it's still retaining my attention.

>302 FAMeulstee: Hi Anita, I enjoy her books taken very occasionally. The cases are always quite disturbing but I enjoy the way relationships among her characters evolve and she does create interesting characters in every book I've read so far. I have no idea how many series I'm following at this point, but too many for sure! :-)

>267 Smiler69: Stopping by for a quick wave and to say how happy I am that you discovered Gerald and Sara Murphy in Living Well Is The Best Revenge. I first discovered them ages ago and saw a wonderful exhibit of Gerald's art and artifacts of their life at the Williams College Art Museum about 10 years ago. It was put on in conjunction with a play at the Williamstown Theater Festival called Villa America. They knew absolutely everyone worth knowing. Hemingway and Scott Fitzgerald were regulars at their homes and would be considered close friends, and yet both treated the Murphys abysmally. Fascinating couple and well worth reading about.

>303 DeltaQueen50: Thanks so much for dropping by Judy. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate these days for sure. I'm so sorry about the shingles, it sounds like a very painful condition from what I've heard. I hope you were at least able to read and try to put your mind into other things. As for Caitlin Moran, i'll be curious to find out what you make of her. She's definitely outrageous and likes to talk a whole lot about her vagina, which I doubt very much is to everyone's liking, but I found her tremendously inspiring, in large part because we're from the same generation and have gone through a few similar experiences. Which reminds me I subscribe to the Times so I can follow her column and need to catch up with her imminently.

>304 LizzieD: A Persephone edition, eh? I like that comparison quite a lot and find it quite fitting, because even when I'm not wearing that jacket I do tend to have a very plain exterior these days, but there are certainly lots of surprises inside! 😉

Ilana, the only place that the comparison fails is that you yourself will never be plain outside. Otherwise, I was quite pleased with it.

Finally got my computer back and operational again. Too early to tell if the original problem is fixed since it was a very random glitch, but so far my machine is running better than ever. I've been wanting to start up a new thread soon, but for now will start by updating my reading and take care of business some time this week.



I finished listening to Ready Player One yesterday and was surprised about just how caught up I got in this novel, considering the topic at hand is an elaborate virtual reality game, and a treasure hunt which requires players to know all about video games and pop culture from the 80s. I've never been what you'd call a gamer, and didn't think I'd find this very interesting, but I got sucked right into the story and the fight between the good guys vs the corporate evil machine out to destroy the made-up world everybody lives in by choice in the 2140s. Very neat. Glad I went there. Now to choose my next listen. To say I have an embarrassment of choices barely covers it.

>310 LizzieD: Always a kind word. Thank you Peggy. :-)xx

>311 Smiler69: Glad you liked RPO - it was one of my faves last year.

>312 drneutron: Jim, I gave it a 4.5 rating, which automatically enters this book on my list of favourites for the year. I was really surprised by how much I enjoyed this read, even though I barely know the first thing about computer games. I'm not quite sure how Cline pulled it off, but hats off to him!

Oh dear. Oh dear. I'm a sucker for gaming stories, so *RPO* just landed firmly on my wish list.
Hope you're having good days and nights, my friend!

>314 LizzieD: Peggy, glad you've found something that strikes your fancy here! :-)

As for me, I'm hanging on by the nails basically, but I'm hanging in there, and that's all that counts for the moment. Also being closely followed by my shrink who I saw today and we're looking at a change of meds via a referral to a psychopharmacologist. I'm also looking into neurofeedback therapy as a different approach which just might yield results. A new FB friend suggested I look into it and I found there's a centre right here in Montreal. My friend tells me this comes in lieu of medication. Will be making inquiries in coming days and running it by my shrink next week when I see her again. http://www.neurofeedbackmontreal.com/en/home

Glad your computer works again, Ilana. Since I follow you on FB I am less worried if I don't see any posts from you on LT.

I hope a change of meds, or an other approach will make you feel better!

Thinking of you Ilana and hoping that you can get sorted in the right and good direction for some peace. I am not a FB person so don't follow there but very nice to see you here on LT.

>316 FAMeulstee: Thanks so much Anita. I feel badly for worrying so many people these days, but I just find suffering in silence too difficult and every bit of encouragement helps to counter the mean voices in my head that keep telling me I'm worthless. I know it's not true, but that's depression for you, you start believing the lies even though your brain tells you it's all nonsense. So positive feedback helps counter that when I'm not able to provide it for myself, if you know what I mean. I really appreciate your concern, though apologies for being a worry. I do feel like I need to give regular signs of life because I know I'm sounding rather desperate lately, but in all honesty, that's how I do feel. My animals are keeping me attached to this world when nothing else seems to do, and that is what I got them for to begin with; have a family here at home with me to which it makes a real difference whether I'm here or not... a constant reminder. I need to start being more active in this group, it's just that FB is so much more interactive and I like having regular contact with friends throughout my days, if that makes any sense. xx

>317 mdoris: Mary, I don't know what it is about online social platforms, but I've been on quite a few over what will soon be a couple of decades, and still have accounts at a bunch of places I'm probably forgetting about. But somehow I find it hard to jump from one platform to the next and I've noticed I tend to have a specific go-to platform depending on where I'm at in life. When I discovered Instagram a few years back, I was all about sharing my photos there and joining groups and whatnot. But this group is my home, and I feel very lucky that I'm found this place, with is peopled by a bunch of really great smart open and engaged individuals. That's priceless. I will make a point of spending more time here, I'm just more than a little bit intimidated at the prospect of trying to catch up... so will just take it slowly, as I take everything these days. What you're NOT missing: I'm doing lots and lots of moaning and groaning on FB, where I can get almost instant feedback, which is rather necessary for me these days. In between the complaints, I post lots of art from this British curator called Stephen Leacock, who posts the most amazing range of beautiful imagery. I should make a point of posting at least one of those images each day here to share with my LT-only friends and keep my page alive with beauty, if not reviews for now!

Here's one of my favourites lately:



Jessie Arms Botke (American painter) 1883 - 1971
Demoiselles Cranes and Lotus, s.d.
oil and gold leaf on canvas affixed to board
102.87 x 81.92 cm. (40.5 x 32.25 in.)

In audio reading, I got a bunch of books from the latest 50% sale at Audible, which I'll list below. Currently listening to and about to finish How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran, which brings my total of Caitlin Moran books to three this month. She makes a lot of sense to me. A feminist who'se fought in the trenches, doesn't mince words and has carved a very unique path for herself. I have no idea whether she suffers from depression or not, but she seems to 'get it' about lots of things in life and listening to her read her own book is very soothing right now.

I also purchased Augustín Fuentes' The Creative Spark: How Imagination Made Humans Exceptional, which was mentioned in a recent Nat Geo article (http://news.nationalgeographic.com/2017/04/creative-spark-augustin-fuentes-evolution). I've yet to read the article, but I'm really fired up about the book, so will probably pick that up next.

Other audiobooks recently purchased:

The Emperor's New Clothes by Hans Christian Andersen - narrated by Sir John Gielgud and somehow very much on topic in these Trumpian times.
So You've Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson - really loved the first two books I read by him and basically want to read all his publications.
The Buddha Before Buddhism: Wisdom from the Early Teachings - narrated by the divine Edoardo Ballerini. A bit of spiritual guidance wouldn't be remiss.
The Octopus, the Sea, and the Deep Origins of Consciousness by Peter Godfrey-Smith - I read another books about Octopuses and consciousness recently (The Soul of An Octopus: A Surprising Exploration into the Wonder of Consciousness by Sy Montgomery). Really loved that book and eager for another take on a topic that fascinates me: animal intelligence and the almost alien octopus in particular.
Mr Bliss J. R. R. Tolkien - Narrated by Sir Derek Jacobi. I've discovered Tolkien's short stories lately and really enjoyed Leaf by Niggle recently.
The Glorious Heresies by Lisa McInerney - Winner of the Baileys' Women's Prize for Fiction 2016
Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There by Lewis Carroll performed by my favourite narrator of all, David Horovitch, who also narrates Kazuo Ishiguro's The Buried Giant, among others (highly recommended). Also, perfect book to try to make sense of these insane times.

Ilana, very nice to read about your reading and to see the posting of one of your favourite painters. On your recommendation I have the Octopus book by Sy Montgomery and hope to get to it soon. Love seeing your beautiful art work when you post but no pressure! Hope you've had a good day! I love the LT group here and haven't ventured far after my discovery!

WHAT a glorious piece that Botke is! Of course, I've never heard of her/him, and wouldn't have without your post. Thank you, Ilana!
I'll be interested to see what you think of Glorious Heresies on audio. I started reading it and put it aside. I'm at least bemused by the current Irish street argot.
Peace to you and love!

Hi Ilana, I've been lurking mostly this year. Anyway I finished reading The Glorious Heresies earlier this month and really enjoyed it, I had started in January and until I read a good chunk found it a bit hard to get into. It was my Orange Jan read so I was determined to finish it. The sequel The Blood Miracles has just been published.

>318 Smiler69: No need to apologize, Ilana, and your message makes sense.
Just know you make me happy when I see a message from you, either here or on FB, as I know how hard your days can be.

((((hugs))))

>320 mdoris: I hope you enjoy Montgomery's Octopus book. I found it to be a fascinating read and it also made me want to read more of her work, so I picked up and listened to The Good Good Pig: The Extraordinary Life of Christopher Hogwood not very long after. She is so passionate and enthusiastic about her love for animals that it is positively infectious.

>324 Smiler69: - Hi Ilana! I have to admit that the Octopus doesn't appeal much to me but I did read The Good Good Pig and absolutely love it. I also have her Birdology on my shelf and have and have read her book about Leakey's angels, Walking With the Great Apes. I love her writing

"Positively infectious', such a good way to describe something. I read her PIG book years ago and still remember lots of wonderful details about it. Hope that you are havng a very good day!

>298 Smiler69: How do you know her, I'd be curious to know? (Caitlin Moran, that is)
I heard about her when she wrote a column for a newspaper, maybe? Or did she write an essay in a collection about libraries? I think that is it. Yes- I loved her descriptions of being a poor kid and using the library as a sanctuary from consumerism.

I totally haven taught up with your posts or reading here, which is naughty, I know. But my excuse is that I have barely been able to go to work this week as childcare issues (the issue being that i have none) have gotten in the way.

>318 Smiler69: That painting is stunning. Thank you for sharing.

Hi friends. So I started writing my book sometime last week, in the last few days. The story I've been needing to tell for a very very long time. I'm not structured about it, about the time or number of pages per day or anything. A lot of it is difficult to face again, for all kinds of reasons. A lot of it still baffles and confuses me. I want the story to be engaging, because as it was happening it certainly kept me engaged, and that's one positive thing about some of the things I'm least proud about that I can say. It was engaging. I don't intend to follow a structure, at least certainly not now while I'm just excavating into my unreliable memory, which gives me both high resolution little pictures and videos on one hand, but also blanks out vast swaths of my life, and mostly layers everything with vast swaths of thick gauze. I'm just putting down ideas and moments and content as it comes to me. I take breaks as often as I need to. I'm not trying to punish myself. I've set my sights on finding inner peace. On forgiving myself for my vast imperfections and follies and celebrating that person a lot of people seem to see in me, and that girl sounds pretty awesome, I'd say. I tried to write this story a few times over the years and couldn't keep it up after just a few paragraphs. I once addressed one such attempt to our wonderful Linda here in this group, because she's been such a huge inspiration and she's lovingly reached out to me so many times and I felt if I tried telling the story TO someone, it might give me just enough distance to be able to face all the emotions and feelings that come with the memories. But I think now I've gone through yet one more of the worst and most persistent depressions in my life, I feel like it's all got to come out. I've been so miserable with these stories floating around inside me, all willy-nilly and mixed and confused in time and space and details and difference between fact and fiction, waking memories and dream memories and in the grey zone in between. So in that sense, it's definitely fiction. I think if anything, whatever my mum did or did not do as a traditionally "nurturing" mother would, she did nurture me as a writer, possibly without realising it, and then again possibly as a private agenda. We'll never know for sure, least of all if I ask her opinion about it, because how could she really know herself? But one thing she told me often is "it's all material, use it." and at this point, I have an overabundance of material to work with. I bursting with the need to reach out and to put my voice out there and to speak my truth and to somehow make a bit of a difference. I'm not quite sure how that part works, but it does, somehow. Part of speaking my truth is coming clean once and for all, not in the sense of whiping the past away so much as acknowledging what led me to where I am today, right now, that inner person I've cultivated for the past decade, allowing myself to make peace with things that have been a source of anguish for far too long.

I'll post random excerpts now and again. I'll include a couple of them I've shared on FB in the last couple of days below. The title I've got for it is a shocker, and quite crass, but I think it needs to be that way. Because that's the effect a lot of this stuff has had over me: symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder, without me being specifically a PTSD sufferer according to the current parameters that are set for this diagnosis. But I think I'll have to keep the title a secret for now. Meantime, when I do sit to write, it just all comes flowing out of me, practically on its own. So that can only be a good thing.

>325 jessibud2: >326 mdoris: >327 LovingLit: Shelley, Mary, Megan, thanks for dropping by and for your comments. I'll come back to reply to you individually. Right now I need to walk Charley and try to get myself to bed, because I'm completely exhausted.

>328 Oberon: Missed your post as I was writing. Guess I'd been at it for a while! Yes, that painting is indeed very beautiful. I only discovered it recently thanks to a fantastic page on FB which is curated by a man in London with an amazing visual repertoire and tastes.

>327 LovingLit: Megan, I just want to say to you my god, please don't feel you ever need to apologize for not being up to speed with my threads or posts. Everyone has a life, and I've been MIA in this group for quite a while now, though you are all part of my daily life nonetheless. It's always an added bonus to be able to interact on the other platform I happen to be spending a lot of time on these days. It's basically my current blogging format, I guess—and so interactive at that! :-) xox

I'm looking forward to your posting excerpts. Watching the creative process is something I'm interested in, and if it helps you deal with some things, all the better!

>329 Smiler69: Your creative energy and abilities amaze me no end. Hope the writing for you brings much peace of mind and heart.

>333 mdoris: I agree with Mary. Are some of those creative energies going to go towards providing us with a new thread? xx

“Never feel this bad again. Never come back to this place where only a knife will do. Live a gentle and kind life. Don't do things that make you hurt yourself. Whatever you do, every day, remember this, then steer away from here.”

— Caitlin Moran, How to Build a Girl

A couple of excerpts from my manuscript (those of you on FB may have seen this already:

From Chapter 1: A Truism

Here’s a truism: when you’re 14 and you’re a girl and all you want out of life is sex, drugs and rock’n roll, you’ll get your wish, and a whole lot more you haven’t bargained for.

From Chapter 7: On applying layers of protective makeup.

I’m buzzed, as usual. I’m standing up very close to the small mirror hanging by a nail against the wall. I’ve been standing there for at least 40 minutes, probably more. I’m buzzed, as I said, so my sense of time is a bit off, but Michel told me the guy would be showing up in two hours or so, so I’m taking all my time. I started with a generous amount of foundation, to give myself that tan nylon colour airline stewardesses used to wear as part of their uniform. I cover every visible part of skin on my face and neck, even my ears. I’m not worried about the practically bluish-white skin, my actual skin, under the Black Sabbath t-shirt I’m wearing. It’s not coming off anyway, that’s not an option, or I’ll end up looking like I’m wearing a mask, even though this is exactly what this is. What I need. Besides which, Michel said I should make myself look like I’m maybe 24 or so. This is 1984 and I’m actually fourteen, but who’s counting? There’s a voice inside telling me if I wear the mask, everything will be fine, because then I’ll just be playing a role, and when the mask comes off, it’ll be exactly as if nothing ever happened.

Hope you are having a relaxing weekend, dear lady. xx

>337 PaulCranswick: Thank you Paul. I made a new FB friend. A very special and very supportive friend. Spending a lot of time in conversation this last week or more. He's really amazing. No expectations, I have no idea at this point if we'll ever meet in person, but it's quite a welcome change and helping me get through the depression. xx

I'm in love! :-)

That is truly wonderful.

Well, Ilana, I'm glad for your new friend and glad that you're writing. You're a brave woman; that's what you are!

>338 Smiler69: & >339 Smiler69: That is fantastic news, Ilana. Is he half a world away or is an eventual meet-up a practical possibility?

Best of luck always. xx

>339 Smiler69: That is great, Ilana! :-D

Thank you friends. Paul: he's in the US but considering coming here to Montreal. Visit in June to start, then we'll see..

In other rather much more sad notes, I was forced to terminate the relationship between my Mommie Dearest and I during the night. There were some very serious issues I needed to discuss with her, and she shut me down every time I tried to. She has taken actions in the not so distant past indicating clearly I am far from being her priority in any way, and she refuses to see how some of her oversharing with over the years was doing me serious damage. Seemingly no concern at all for my fragile state of mind... What kind of mother does that? One who is unhinged and refuses to get help that's that. So... had to put my foot doesn't once and for all and say ENOUGH. A world she used with me every time I tried to broach a difficult subject she didn't want to hear about. Enough! That's right. I've had enough myself at this point. I'll do some crying, then move on. Toxic relationships need to be moved away from as quickly as poosible.

>344 Smiler69: Interesting. My fingers and toes will be crossed for you.

Sorry that your relationship with your mom continues to be, erm, troublesome. Family members can give love and heartache in equal part can't they? Mothers are something that we are unable to change although I am fortunate that my own has always been one of life's plus points for me (my dad was the toxic one). Can't advise you on this because it is obviously deeply personal but at least you already have distance and you are able to write her off to yourself without necessarily doing so in any sort of formal way as time has a habit of changing perspectives.

I am actually very upset with my brother as he had said to me when Yasmyne went to university that he would be there for her if ever she needed any help of whatsoever nature. She is moving out of the Halls of Residence this term to start in a shared house next university year. As part of the process she needs a guarantor for her place in case she doesn't pay the rent or causes damages, etc. I have already paid all the security deposits. Peter informed me on Friday (the deadline to give the security) that he wasn't comfortable with doing it as he would be making himself liable (I had already informed him that I would be paying all and any charges myself). I was left calling the organisation on Friday night (for me, afternoon for them) begging them to let me guarantor myself despite non-residence yet on the basis of my driver's licence having my mum's address and pleading for an extension so that she and her friends didn't lose the place that they had set their hearts on. I managed to persuade them and will formalise everything tomorrow.

I was quite upset because I would have done it for his kids in an instant and without calculation. Perhaps he thinks because my financial situation is to say the least dicey that I wouldn't be able to pay and he would be left with the bill. He forgets that when he was cheated from his business by my father I tided him over with a pretty hefty sum of money that I have never asked back. It doesn't augur well for my return to the UK.

I'm appalled for both of you dear friends, my Ilana and Paul.
To say that seriously damaged people are seriously damaging is a truism, but it's all I have right now except for love to you both.

I'm sorry to hear about the issues with your mother, Ilana. I have distanced myself from mine (successfully) over the last few years but am having to have more to do with her recently as we are renovating her house ready for sale. The fact we (my boyfriend and I, along with some of my friends) are having to clear up her mess and deal with the carnage she left is not leaving me with much patience for her crap. I know she is mentally ill, but I am as well, and I take responsibility for my actions. She doesn't. I shall be sitting down with her and having a serious conversation once this is done and dusted, that I am NOT getting her out of another situation like this. She's a grown woman, she needs to get a grip. It seems like here is the place to come and join in rants about family members ;).

I hope you can keep the space you need from her, and deal with the repercussions any kind of significant disappointment and emotional turmoil will inevitably bring. However much better it will be for you to remove her from your life, it's still incredibly difficult and heartbreaking to go through. Thinking of you.

So sorry it had to come to this, Ilana.

I hope it works out, you'll mourn not only about breaking, even more about the relationship you never had with her...
((((hugs))))

I'm sorry too. It is a tough one but you know yourself best and what you can manage and what is healthy for you.

>346 LizzieD: Thank you Peggy. Your love is both appreciated and reciprocated. xx

Thank you so much for you caring messages. I just got up to walk Charley, as spend the better part of the day sleeping. Not long after sending my mother my last words yesterday, explaining why the split was necessary for me, I started a full-blown anxiety attack and since I couldn't at all gain control of my breath, I took small amounts of Ativan, which I normally occasionally use as a sleep-aid but is meant to treat anxiety. I don't remember much of Saturday, sort of knocked out by the pills which I took at 8-hour intervals. The trick now it to not let my mind wander and start asking questions and find fault either in myself and my approach, or find more things to hold against my mother to try to overjustify why this split became necessary. The corollary of that is to search for all those things that make her a wonderful and unique loving being, so that I can hit myself over the head for failing to see the bigger picture or whatnot.

I've spend so much brain time, therapy time, discussion time LIFETIME talking about my mother, and now I wish to simply... quiet that part of my brain, if at all. There is much too much deep sadness, guilt and trauma attached to the person I call 'my mother' and what this person has meant to represent to me. Daily communication is practically nonexistent other than a 'like' or occasional comment of Facebook), it's fair to say that I have much better, more frequent and fluid, as well as more understanding communication with many online friends who have been in contact with me and been incredibly supportive. Trouble typing, so I'm sure there's be gobs of mistakes. Ativan a couple of hours ago plus medical maryjane right now, I've decided what is needed for the present situation is to get safely plastered for the short term, because thoughts about my Mommie Dearest inevitably bring me to a very bad place. It's doubly confusing because she can be such a perfectly wonderful woman most of the time and I'm sure some people are currently talking to Pope Francis about having her canonized in her lifetime. But I don't get to see that person very much. Mostly someone curt and with their guards up who uses the word 'Enough' rather too often when I start making comments about issues that need to be addressed between us. Today, by the second 'Enough' I wanted to blast my lungs out at her that I am NOT one of her students and she has no right to address me that way, as a nearly fifty-year-old woman either. I want to swear at her to grow the fuck up and deal with the shit she's created in my life. Fucking acknowledge it, because that's what grownups to.

But she will not change. So the move is mine to make.

Studying about bullying and abuse these last months and seeing just how much of it was present in my life means I'm more than prepared to call on it when I see it now. She overshared things with me as a small child, as a growing young woman, then as a clinically depressed woman that no person in their right mind would have burdened a child with. Her own mother traumatized her with Edgar Allan Poe and other macabre tales when she could barely speak, and she vowed never to do those things to her own daughter, then why share a short story detailing in great detail an incident on incest? I'm done feeling sorry for he. Only she can decide to get treatment, and she doesn't. I've come to see our relationship as abusive. After all, it's well known that in abusive relationships, the abuser can just lob off occasional timebombs and act like a perfectly decent person all the rest of the while. Mine decided to make me her private confidants since I was a small child. She told me so many things, countless things, that were inappropriate to tell a child, much less an hypersensitive one like I was/am. She was trying to reinvent what 'mothering' meant by mostly doing the opposite of all her own mother had done. It was like being the child of a researcher, with the parent spending all his/her time in the laboratory and the child basically left to raise him/herself. There was a frequent and well applied system of The Talk, wherein the Hard Truths about my true nature and that of the world were revealed to me in a systematic way.

I was overanxious as a child and badly wanted to please to her, since she was miserable and crying so much of the time. Of course I thought it was all somehow my fault. I knew that if I hadn't been around things would have been simpler for her. So it started making me very badly want to just vanish into a black hole that I wished more and more frequently would appear for me escape into. Sleep is a black hole-lite I guess since it offers a sort of escape from which you do come back from without too much difficulty. Conversations with her on chat have taken place a handful of times and not comfortably, but then she never offers any other method of communication, such as phone or video conference which are both, for reasons unknown to me, quite unfeasible. I think she is quite mad. Certainly her sense of priorities is badly misplaced. Have I mentioned that last time I tried to speak to her on the phone was when the results of the last French elections were coming in (5 years ago!), and instead of talking to me and catching the results a few minutes later after we'd finished our conversation she tersely made me WAIT on the phone so she could know the results before speaking to her daughter, because of course that was going to change everything... that particular call was the first one since probably a couple of years before.

I'm tired of entertaining such a dysfunctional relationship with someone who has no conception at all of what a mother/daughter relationship might look like, were it a healthy one. All of this has been polluting my mind for countless years now. A daughter wants to love her mother. Noting more natural. This particular's mother's speciality is putting up barriers that mostly succeed in hiding the really nice person she can be with her own daughter, when she lets herself relax a little. But the immigrants needing rescuing are move important. The latest political campaign is more important. Releasing a falsely imprisoned Turkish prisoner is more important. There's always been something MORE important, some great humanitarian cause that I was smart enough to understand truly was a vital project, and I, First World child had no business complaining my mother wasn't available to me when she was doing such important work, especially considering I had a good food and shelter, unlike so many other beings on the planted (Bleak House anyone?)* I've begged countless ways that she only talk or respond to me when she had time and was mentally and emotionally disposed to do so. And sometimes she does take the trouble. Otherwise her responses are curt, always manage to somehow imply they are also badly timed and she has other things to do. But then why do I always have a disagreeable feeling left over no matter was or wasn't said during the conversation? Because Toxic. That's what. It's not about assigning blame. It's about doing what feels right to me if I ever wish to recover and become more whole again, want to take part in life again. There's so much out there waiting for me... to just wake up and start moving about a little. For for now, everything, absolutely everything feels terrifying. So, more ativan and more mary jane in reasonable but regular doses while the worst of the crisis passes though. I never wanted it to come to this. But she left me no other choice.

*Mrs Jellyby is a "telescopic philanthropist" obsessed with an obscure African tribe but having little regard for the notion of charity beginning at home. It's thought Dickens wrote this character as a criticism of female activists like Caroline Chisholm.

To add to the general confusion, there's been an incredibly thrilling relationship developing via Facebook between someone's brother and I. I do remember friending him after he'd 'liked' several of my posts, and then I couldn't help but seeing her was 'liking' a lot of the content I put up, including personal comments. It lasted for at least a couple of months or so, when I was curious to find out a little bit more about him and we started chatting. Next thing you know I'm telling him my entire life story with warts and all, and he can't seem to get enough of it. We seem to have gotten quite wrapped up in each other in no time, probably because finding agreement on so many key values. Also because he is the most amazing listener I've ever known, and for that alone I have fallen in love with him. Also helps he's easy to look at. Nuts though. Nuts. Trying not to look too far ahead. There's talk of a visit to Mtl in June...

k. This thread is ridiculously long. Time for a new one... https://www.librarything.com/topic/257533