Almost 50 & Still Single

Sometimes I feel like I'm the male version
of Bridget Jones. I just get depressed and
feeling Sorry for myself even though
my own family will sometimes tell I'm
the smart one in the family by not
getting Married. I need to start going
out on Dates and meeting some nice
women. I have to admit I'm not intersted
in meeting anyone too young for me.
She'd have to be close enough to my
own age that way we would have a
better chance of having things in
common with one another instead
of trying to find someone way too
young for me and not having her
understand where I'm coming from
or who can't relate to me about my
taste in Music, TV Shows and
Cartoons I grew up watching.
I need someone who can actually
relate to me. Of course I just
love a British Accent and hope
to one day be able to move to
England to live and work.

Librarianwannabe

First of all you definately need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. This is not criticism but cold, hard fact. No woman worth getting to know will want to be involved with a man who they feel has no self confidence.

I found match.com to be a good place to start after my first marriage. There I was, forty years old and no idea where to go to meet women worth getting to know. But be careful if you try it. Even though it is supposed to be a serious adult dating site, it has its' share of trouble.

But most important, be yourself. In all things especially your own life. Being alone does not equal being lonely. I got so tired of folks who wanted to fix me up with someone when I was quite happy in my solitude. My life was my own and I got to know myself very well. Ya know what? I liked me and got to discover many things that I enjoyed.

I concur. I met my present boyfriend on match.com and we've been dating five years. I've also had a friend who had good luck with eharmony.com. He met a lady two hours drive away who could have been cut from the same mold. I suspect they are about to move a little closer. ;-)

There are many places online to meet people. I play on Pogo.com and there are rooms for specific ages. Who knows who you'll meet. I myself met my husband on AOL. We were talking in an instant message about life and kids and work. We've been married for 8 years. My mother freaked because only axe murderers are online..:)
The thing is, if you never try you won't know.

I know it has been some time since the last messages were posted but I am just catching up to this site. My daughter met a nice young man on match.com, and they are taking it slow but they seem nicely matched in their laid back temperments. I do agree with Oldsarge though, even after almost 25 years with my husband, that it is most important to really love to be with yourself and to be able to enjoy time with yourself. That way when someone lets you down, which happens, you can truly bounce back and not waste one moment of your precious life. I just lost a friend to a pulmonary embolism, completely unexpected, and that was a slap in the face reminding me to enjoy MY time, not to worry whether somebody else is there with me. Nobody is worth it, except you!

I'm only here to echo what everyone has said. You have got to learn to like yourself, and then learn to like --and love-- the life you're living. No other person can make all your dreams come true; and in fact, (voice of experience on) another person can really make your life miserable (and off.) You must learn to be your own "fairy godmother." -- LOL!

I think Old Sarge is right to say "being alone is not being lonely".

Having said that, you quite naturally want to meet someone. I`m not sure about the internet dating sites suggestions- if they work for you, then fine, but maybe not make that your only avenue of approach. Without wanting to offend anyone, there do seem to be a few `internet junkies` out there, and ultimately, the real world has more to offer than the virtual one.

Anyway, good luck to you, and hope it all works out.

#1

Just out of interest, you`ve not told us much about yourself. It occured to me when I noticed your change of name that we don`t know much about you, your tastes, opinions, background etc.

It`s a safe bet you like the Beatles (what`s your favourite song of theirs ? Mine`s `In My Life`, which is on either Rubber Soul or Revolver, I forget which). I know you`ve been in a responsible job with the same employer for some time, and obviously we know your taste in books a bit.

Other than that, we don`t know mch about you, other than your fondness for England (good lad !).

Want to tell us more ?

Get back to me when you're 59. The last two men I've flirted with/dated were 59 when I met them. ;-)

Never too late.

If you're not willing to wait, go out and volunteer. That's where I met them... and a couple of other minor flirtations and infatuations. We had something in common, reason to spend time together, and it's a more comfortable place to get to know somebody than when I was younger and met guys at parties, bars, etc. As good a way to know somebody as working together, without the professional complications of dating a co-worker.

I know this post has been out there a while, but I just found this group, and can't help but respond to this post. I'm single, too, and am not that happy with the stigma of a single adult. If you wanna stop a conversation dead in it's tracks, mention that you are single. You won't have to bring it up, they (other women) will do it for you with their introductory get-to-know-you question, "What does your husband do?", or "How old are your kids?". They skip the "Are you married?" question completely because it doesn't occur to them that a seemly stable, friendly, and socially adept person in their 40's naturally wouldn't be anything less than married. When you tell them you're not married, they don't know what to say. That's not true, sometimes they say, "Ohhh...." and give you a look of pity. Either way, they make some excuse about hearing their children call, and they disappear.

Since you DO want to meet someone (I do too, I just don't like people insinutating I need 'fixing'; and my life is fulfilling in so many other ways), then good for you in looking for someone your own age--many men seem to want younger women. You are right, what in the world would you talk about?

Anyway, I don't have any advice. I just wanted to give you moral support:)

I always thought there has to be some Chemistry between two people and I sure wouldn't find that Chemistry in a much younger woman because we couldn't relate to one another.
It makes it harder if there is nothing in common to begin with. In some ways I am too set in my ways and not flexible on things like Music for example. I still love to listen to the Music of the 60s and 70s. And feel that 80s Music was the last really great decade for Rock 'n Roll and Music in general. The Music from the 90s and 00's have done nothing for me. I hate the Bloody, Freakin' Rap, Hip-Hop and so-called R & B Music of today.

To me it is not True R & B. I say if someone wants to listen to the real R & B listen to what came out of Motown in the 60s and 70s. Aretha, James Brown, The Four Tops, Martha and the Vandellas, The Supremes, Dionne Warwick, Stevie Wonder, of course the list goes and on and on. This is what I call R & B. I mean I listened to all of these great Artists growing up in that era.

You also had The British Invasion, Folk Music, the California sound with The Beach Boys and Jan and Dean, you had many different styles of Music to choose from. Hey, I still own a lot of LP's and 45's from way back then and will still listen to them today. Even the TV Shows of the time had a Moral to the Story in Leave It To Beaver, The Flinstones, Lost In Space, The Addams Family, The Munsters, Family Affair, The Courtship Of Eddie's Father with Bill Bixby, The Andy Griffith Show, Star Trek, Room 222, and all those other great TV Shows they all had some kind of a message especially the ones that aimed at the kids of the day. Like don't lie or steal or hurt anyone because you'll have to pay the consequences.
And they were also very entertaining too. I didn't mean to ramble on so long like this I just get carried away sometimes.

beatles1964

Interesting. That hasn't been my experience at all. Indeed, I can't remember the last time anyone asked if I'm married.... maybe about six years ago.

Is NYC so different--or is it something else? One thing I certainly think is different here is that nobody ever asked what my husband does; they ask what I do.

And when I say I don't have children, I'm usually told that I'm lucky. (Yes, I know, but I wasn't going to rub it in....) Even my brother's wife once said so.

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(just closing an i tag ;-) )

#12

I myself have on occasion told people that they were lucky that they never had kids. And only when I found that they were childless by choice. Did I mean it? No. I think I'm being polite when I say that. Considering I think I am the lucky one. I have 2 great kids.
(Yes, I know, but I wasn't going to rub it in....) I really can't believe any parent would actually mean it.

I have often heard that the attitude towards children changes completely once you *have* children. So, I as someone who doesn't have children feel OK with this, as did my younger sister --until she had her child earlier this year :-). Now she wouldn't want to have missed it. But I myself am still OK without any children of my own, even though my niece is a cutie! If I were in a committed relationship, I might start thinking otherwise, but as I am not, I don't.

I personally find it strange that a person who doesn't like children would choose to have them.

#16: I don't think that you will find many people that actively dislikes children. Most people that don't have children, don't have them for a variety of reasons unrelated to "not liking them". For women in Germany, the great difficulty in holding a fulltime job and finding adequate childcare is not the least of them. Even if you can pay the price, standard here is 8.30am to 1 p.m. kindergarten, few creches/nurseries, etc.
At the moment I am indifferent to having children. Well, not exactly, but not being in a relationship they are out of the question right now, for me. That doesn't mean I "hate children".

Karen, I think the difference between NYC, or probably any city, is the difference. I live in the western suburbs of Chicago (moved here because of my job), where women's lives seem to revolve around the ideal of 'perfect husband, perfect children, big Lexus, bigger McMansion....you get the idea'. It's all very nausiating (not because I'm single, but...well...it's just all very nausiating--not the husband and children part, but the perfect part). I'm not saying, by any means, that Mothers shouldn't focus on their families--they should, definately. I admire good parents. Children NEED good parents. There are many people I admire because they are good parents. I don't expect or want anyone to envy me, or tell me I'm lucky--or not; I just don't want them to be rude.
I'm just saying that it's not a justification for judgement.

Sorry, Beatles1964, we seem to have gotten a little off topic (I'm afraid it's my fault--I do tend to rant.)

Hey, that's OK with me. It is very interesting reading what other people are saying about whether or not to have children and how it changes you.

beatles1964

GirlFromIpanema (13): Thanks for the catch.

Sigh! I do that sometimes.... Not a "senior moment" but probably a sign I did not grow up speaking HTML. ;-)

Bookmarque (16) wrote: "I personally find it strange that a person who doesn't like children would choose to have them."

Perhaps part of what influenced my choice not to have children is that very few children like me!

I knew in high school that I would probably never want children, but didn't say so because I saw others saying "never get married, no kids..." then falling in love and reversing themselves. But I can truthfully say there has never been a time in my life that I wanted children and now, at 48, it's a bit late to change my mind.... not that I have.

I'm with you there...I knew from about the time that I could actually bear children that I didn't want them. Suffered through my 20s the condescending and patronizing assholery of people who assured me that I'd change my mind. Went through my 30s still holding to the no kids rule and suffered through the pitying looks from self-satisfied breeders who thought I couldn't have children. Am now 40 and find myself married, still having not fulfilled my most base biological function (oh noes!). Life is grand.

>14 MDLady: MDLady, I really can't believe any parent would actually mean it, it depends on the day, don't you think? There were days I would've given my daughter to the first axe-murderer who came along with a blood-dripping blade and a wild, sadistic gleam in her eye.

Then she turned 17, and oddly all was well. Ten years on, she's a person I am pleased to call a friend.

-23 Haha, it is nice when people can be honest! I am married and in my twenties and nobody ever heckles me about having children - well, now that I think about it that isn't true, but I can't say that anyone's comments have bothered me. Maybe because I don't say I don't want them, just that I don't want them now (I am agnostic with regards to childbearing).

As for the original subject, I don't have any advice about the dating. However I do think you might want to try to learn to appreciate some new things, it is good for your brain.

23

There were days when my kids got on my last nerve. But even in jest, I would never say that I would've given them to ax murderers.

24 jlelliott - Honest? about handing over kids to an axe murderer? NAW!! must be sarcastic. LOL and did I read your post correct? You are in your 20's? and married? (Um name of the group is "40 something's" and name of the thread is "50 & still single" but welcome, welcome!!) I was never heckled in my 20's about not having children either, because I too said I just wasn't ready at the time. In my 30's and 40's well that's another story, not many of us in our 40's can say we're just not ready yet. I guess we could say it, but who would believe it :-)

I never meant not to have children, but my poor sense of judgment in the husband area leaves me at 49, single and childless. Whenever I express my regret about children to one of my friends (all of whom have teenagers), the response I get is, "Have mine, You don't know how lucky you are, Are you crazy?" I do find it annoying that people who don't know me start conversations with, "Where do your children go to school? What does your husband do?" I'm in the southern US which is a married world. I also seem to occasionally get hit on by lesbians who assume that I'm one of the tribe. When I gently explain that I have a boyfriend, they sigh and say, "Well if you ever change your mind..." This happens to a male friend of mine in his early 50s who never married, except of course with men hitting on him. He was just a committmentphobe and there have been an excessive amount of women in his life. I guess the lesson here is to never make assumptions. I do wish people could start conversations about the state of the world or news of the day, anything besides making assumptions about you, but the ability to engage in conversation seems to be a lost art.

#2 I concur. Being your own self is the most important, and making a life you enjoy. My husband actually asked me out on the first date during a period when I'd sworn off dating. He appreciated that I was intelligent, active, and involved in stuff.

Now that I'm single again, I'm trying to get involved in activities I enjoy. Well, I would if my son's activites wouldn't keep swallowing up my free time. My one caveat is to find clubs/organizations/etc. with both genders. I do belong to a quilting group, so I don't need anymore all-women activities.

I'm not actively looking per se, but I also don't want to turn into a hermit just yet.

Must.....not.....become.....hermit

Since I'm not working right now, I tell myself this every morning when I drag myself out of bed at around 9ish and stumble straight to the computer. (Well, I do brush my teeth....and shower....occasionally) Oh Lord, I need help.

#27 Most people are too polite to ask where my husband is, once they figure out I don't have one. My dilemma is let them assume I'm divorced, or tell them I'm a widow and endure the pity party that ensues. "You poor thing . . ."

#18 If you want to see not perfect, come by my house. Chaos rules here. Though sometimes tempting, I would never give my son to an axe-murderer, he's too much fun. His QOTD "If you don't attach it to the chassis, the brain is just going to flop out."

Sorry, rambling tonight. Three hours of robotics team is too much.

#27--I just saw your post tonight. I have similar experiences and find myself in the same situation. My doctor actually made the assumption, or the suggestion of an assumption, that I, too, was 'one of the tribe', as you say. And I agree about conversation being a lost art. Suburbia is right there with the Southern U.S., at least in that department. Everyone in the suburbs who is over 25 seems to be married, and all conversation is kid-oriented. (Trying not to make a generalization here, there are exceptions, and I've been blessed to find a small few of them).

I'm pretty sure I'm going to remain single for the rest of my life. Not that I'm not interested in a relationship - I just don't share my space well. I need lots of alone time. I get exhausted just dealing with people at work.

I do go out, usually to music shows, but to be honest, I think I'd be happy just having a couple of dogs and calling it a day.

And as for people quizzing me on my marital status - it doesn't happen. I guess if you're overweight, they're not really interested in your love life.