Bad Joke of the Day 10

Why has no one ever heard a pterodactyl go to the toilet?

Because the pee is silent.
(Also because they're extinct.)

- @cluedont

Good start to the new thread; nothing like a bit of pre-historic toilet humour. :-)

bwa hahaha!

*giggle/snort*

Keeping with the prehistoric theme (it’s probably been posted here before but it is particularly bad)

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

An Idon’tthinkhesaurus.

Staying with the prehistoric theme (this has probably been posted here before but it is particularly bad):

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

An idontthinkhesaurus.

groan...... :)

>5 humouress: Perfect...for this thread.
:-)

The other day, I saw an ad that said "Radio for sale $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

//>5 humouress: >6 humouress: Apologies for the duplicate posts; my first one vanished into thin air even though I was sure I had hit the ‘post’ button so I posted again and even then I could only see the second one. But now it’s turned up. Hmm; possibly diverted to another piffle party?//

How much space was created on the EU's computer servers now that the UK has left?

1 GB

>11 AHS-Wolfy: *groans*

>11 AHS-Wolfy: I like that.

I got mugged by six dwarves last night...

Not Happy.

>14 rgurskey: *snicker*

Then there was the librarian who was injured when a falling book hit her on the head - she only had her shelf to blame.

They met in the local bean restaurant.
It was instant inflatulation.

Swiped from Facebook

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

This one entered my consciousness while I was raking leaves today. (Not all related to the task.)

What is the name of the Irishman no one wants to deal with?

Colin O'Scopy

*giggle/snort*

Ahh, WHL, I have missed you.

Aw shucks. You just need to get out to the range more and practice. Really, I'm not that small a target.

*guffaw*
*scared the cat*

I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother yesterday.

Brocko Lee.

Did you hear about the guy with coronavirus who walked into a bar?

He was looking for a girl with lyme disease.

Two potatoes are standing on the corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute?

It's the one with the I-da-ho sticker.

>24 morningwalker: That is very bad. I'm sending it to my son.

It is reported that a group of scientists recently placed ten assorted Tupperware containers with fitting lids in a sealed vault. When they opened the vault a month later there were 24 lids, none of which matched any of the six remaining containers.

>28 hfglen: They repeated the same experiment with ten pairs of socks and had a very similar outcome.

>29 pgmcc: Socks with lids? .. .. .. :)

I was hoping to get post 29 on the 29th Feb'. :(

>30 Novak: Have you ever tried putting the lids on those socks?

Sorry for robbing you of 29 on the 29th Feb...

That date holds a special significance for me. My father died on 29th February, 2000. He would have loved that. He had a great sense of humour and would have loved that his fifth anniversary is tomorrow after 20 years. :-)

>28 hfglen: >29 pgmcc: Oh, so that’s where they got to. I’ve been looking for them.

>27 humouress: Hahahahahahaha rotfl

It's 29th Feb'. So this is an eight day week? .. .. .. Phew!

The parties in Ireland are negotiating over the formation of a new government. One party is insisting on a rotating Taoiseach (Prime Minister). I think that is just spin.

"Dad, why's there an extra day in leap year?"
"Dunno son, something to do with the moon."
"So it’s caused by the tides?"
"Probably, son."
"So, what’s the extra day called, Dad?"
"Usually Wednesday, son."
"Dad, is it always in February?"
"Don’t think so son, not every time."
"You don’t mind me asking all these questions do you Dad?"
"Course not son, it’s the only way to learn."

I'm reading a horror book in Braille. Something terrible is about to happen.

I can feel it.

It's been replaced now, but the following information was posted a day or two ago on my town's webpage:

Texas Coronavirus Prevention

Wash your hands like you just got done
slicing jalapenos for a batch of nachos and
you need to take your contacts out.

(That's like 20 seconds of scrubbing, y'all.)

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19.
Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

- Liam Hackett @DiageoLiam4:36 AM · Mar 12, 2020

>39 margd:

That is inappropriate. This thread is for bad jokes. That one is too good.

Which composer got the coronavirus?
DryCoughsky

- 10YO son of Margot @BloodyMargot · Mar 14
https://twitter.com/BloodyMargot/status/1238944316363595778

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Responding Tweets (no doubt from folks after Green Dragon's heart) :D

And who did he catch it from?
RimskyCauseHeCoughs

It's spreading to ProCoughiev and ShostaCoughich

Risky CauseHeCoughs, surely?

Brahms told me the best way to stay virus free is to wash Johannes.

It's about time we stopped Haydn from the truth and got a Handel on things

https://twitter.com/Mackenzie_J_o/status/1239271763147718658/photo/1

Hahahahaha! can i share this on FB?

I'm sure the 10YO author would be thrilled if it went viral! :)

So far
15.6K Retweets and
184.4K Likes!

>41 margd: Love it!

Ok its gone viral. I added "his last words were I'll be Bach!

The latest from the CDC is that in order to be safe we only offer inside jokes on this and other forums.

What do you get if you cross a rabbit with a water hose?

Hare spray.

Due to the short supply of cleaning supplies and disinfectants...dirty deeds will no longer be done dirt cheap.

Today's special for @MrsLee at the GD bar: The Quarantini. It’s just a regular martini, but you drink it alone in your house.

>49 hfglen:. Lol!

>49 hfglen: Brilliant!

I'll drink to that :-)

>49 hfglen: My favorite!

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

I know its wrong to steal kitchen utensils,
But its a whisk I'm willing to take

My dog just ate my Scrabble set.
His next trip outside could spell disaster.

Q: What do you call two men behind the drapes?
A: Kurt and Rod.

Swiped from Facebook

Woman goes on a blind date.
Halfway through dinner she decides she's going to go home with him.
At his place, one thing leads to another and they wind up in bed.
She takes off his shirt.
He takes off her blouse.
She takes off his pants.
He takes off her skirt.
She takes off his socks and sees that he is missing the top half of his left foot.
She gets out of bed, gets dressed, and leaves.
She was lack toes intolerant.

>57 rastaphrog: groan...An uncle who lost some of his toes in a lawnmower accident was a lifelong bachelor--I never suspected that might be the reason!

(About the same time my mom removed several tines of a garden rake with HER lawnmower...Terrified by these events as a child, I've never ever mowed the lawn...And I press my guys to wear boots!)

---------------------------------------

Wanna hear a coronavirus joke?

Not gonna tell ya, you might spread it.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the dessert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo. Someone stole tent."

Darn, I thought they fell asleep outside of their tent. ⛺️

>59 margd: I understand The Lone Ranger and Tonto broke up on bad terms when The Lone Ranger learned what Kemo Sabe meant.

>61 pgmcc: I seem to recall it was something the Lone Ranger discovered after retiring:

>62 ScoLgo:. :-)

>63 pgmcc: From one of my more treasured possessions: https://www.librarything.com/work/58291/book/184778838

A birthday gift from my sister who knows me better than most people. ;)

oh yes, I have that as well as full Doonesbury and Mad Magazine. The latter was instrumental in the development of sense of humor, which made me search out all the others which made me the person I am today :)

>64 ScoLgo: I have that too. I love The Far Side. Like you it was a present.

My favourite is the one with the chicken at the side of a busy road looking at a billboard on the other side. On the billboard is the message, “Does there have to be a reason?”

My favorite is a broken jar on the grass with adam and eve escaping, and Up above someone is saying 'Uh Oh.'
Tho give me time and I'll think of a hundred or so more...

>66 pgmcc: >67 cindydavid4: Too difficult to pick a favorite but here are a few that always make me laugh...

oh yes, I still think of that every time I look in my side mirror

If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be hell toupee.

>70 ScoLgo: My admiration of you grows and grows.

>71 pgmcc: When I was a wee child first coming to consciousness, there was an uncle who regularly played the accordion at family gatherings. I somehow overcame this early setback to become a musician later in life.

This is the reason the 2nd Far Side panel I posted speaks to me.

Before my surgery the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

Did you hear the one about Lady Clairol?

Max Factor!

So... a werewolf who is not aware they are a werewolf would be an unawarewolf?

And to think I encouraged this.

>76 pgmcc: Regretting that now aren't you?

>76 pgmcc: Ok, fine. I'll be leaving then. Gonna go stand outside. So, if anyone asks... I'm outstanding.

>77 bernsad: I have the appropriate reward for @ScoLgo: https://youtu.be/vHv1m1CHX8c

Because sometimes, one is just not enough.

>78 ScoLgo: An agricultural expert is outstanding in his own field.

A while back on Good Show Sir there was a running joke about “being not only outstanding in his field but in a field of his own”, based on a book blurb that was either incompetent or snarky.

>79 -pilgrim-: You and I have very different ideas about the meaning of the word 'reward'... ;-)

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during the quarantine? I planted myself on the sofa in the beginning of April and I’ve grown bigger ever since!

>83 cindydavid4: since March my hair has grown and now weighs an extra 21 pounds.

>84 pgmcc: See the latest post here:

https://www.librarything.com/topic/218521#7187452

“See that light up there, that’s Snow-whites bedroom window. If all seven of us dwarfs form a pyramid the one at the top can see her undressing and whisper down to us what he can see.”
Grunt, grown, push, shove, giggle, giggle, .. .. ..

Happy: “She’s takin’ off her top.”
“She’s takin’ off her top.”
“She’s takin’ off her top.”
“She’s takin’ off her top.”
“She’s takin’ off her top.”
“She’s takin’ off her top.”
“She’s takin’ off her top.”

Happy: “Black Bra”
“Black Bra”
“Black Bra”
“Black Bra”
“Black Bra”
“Black Bra”
“Black Bra”

Happy: “Undoin’ skirt”
“Undoin’ skirt”
“Undoin’ skirt”
“Undoin’ skirt”
“Undoin’ skirt”
“Undoin’ skirt”
"Undoin' skirt"

(There is a noise in the bushes)

Happy; “Someone’s coming”
“Not me”
“Not me”
“Not me”
“Not me”
“Not me”
“Not me”

I made a pencil that had two erasers.
It was pointless.

Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
It’s two tired

Swiped from my knitting/crocheting club newsletter.

“I wish crocheting burned more calories. I would be one skinny hooker.”

>89 Yamanekotei: LOL, My aunt is going to enjoy that one.

>90 bernsad:

Glad you liked it. My favorite so far is this.

Ha! Left me in stitches!

Hmmm, would that count more as a quilting joke? Perhaps a surgical joke?

Can't wait for more sewing and knitting jokes. I'm on pins and needles.

Where do you people dig up these purls of wisdom?

They're slaving away with knitted brows to create them.

I guess it's better than spinning yarns or woolgathering.

I'm just not cottoning on to these puns but I thought I'd needle my way in anyway.

sew maybe we should pin them up?

Is this thread just becoming a skein of woolly thinking?

Elyse and I had Indian food the other night.
I asked if she wanted some bread. The response ...

"Nope, naan for me."

- Jim Palmieri @dcpolicyguru | 7:43 AM · Jul 7, 2020

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry" said the Doc. "Those are just contractions."

LOL

A ghost walked into a bar and asked for two fingers of whiskey, neat.

The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."

Q: What do you call a garden centre with more than one entrance?
A: Variegated.

And then there was the strawberry that got involved in a terrible traffic accident. It was so bad they had to call the jambulance.

A couple are killed in a car crash on the way to their wedding. At the Pearly Gates they ask St. Peter if they can get married in Heaven. St. Peter says, "I don't know. I'll find out," and leaves. Months pass. While waiting, they wonder, What if it doesn't work out? Eventually, St. Peter returns.
St. Peter: Yes, you can get married in Heaven.
Man: Great! But if things don't work out, can we also get a divorce?
(St. Peter slams his clipboard down.)
Woman: What's wrong?
St. Peter: It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?

Credit: The Evil Editor.

>105 haydninvienna: Ouch. :-)

It's nice to see the place where I work is actively doing something about Covid. Shortly after logging onto my work computer this morning I happened to sneeze. The second I did so the work computer started running an anti-virus program.

>107 alco261: Congrats! You don't have to worry about Covid-19: your computer has got you covered!

It's got N95 masking parameters with automatic six-foot protocols.

>109 WholeHouseLibrary:

That makes it very difficult to reach the keyboard.

You may want to work on remote then.

LOL!

I have a mosquito joke, but it sucks.

A real computer error message:

'Keyboard not detected/ not connected.

Hit any key to continue.'

>114 madpoet:. Lol

During this pandemic we ran out of toilet paper and had to make do with newspaper.

I gotta say, the times sure are rough!

>114 madpoet: Love it, just like "If you are blind get someone else to read this for you."

One time we had a phone problem on our landline, and I called for a service via cell phone. I gave my cell number. The day they assign me for my appointment, I took a day off from work, just to receive the service. I stayed home for whole day, but the service man didn’t come. I called for the explanation, and the operator said that nobody was home. I requested for another service order for the following day and the service man came. He said “I called you on xxx-xxx-xxxx yesterday. Nobody answered it so I left. What were you doing in the house?”

Well, I was waiting for you. The number you called in was the landline we asked to fix. How could I answer it? Didn’t it come to your mind to knock on the door instead?

True story.

What kind of trees are telephone poles made from?

Tall ones.

Actually not a joke...

When I started working with computers, most of them still had cabinets full of wires and ringed magnets that was the computer's memory. There were also removable 40-lb disk packs, card readers, massive drum memory devices, and the most sophisticated modem was something that you use only after you manually dialed a phone number, waited for the noise, and then place the receiver into rubber cups to make a connection with whatever was in the other end, at a screaming 110 Baud, capable of transferring 13 text characters per second.
Starting these devices up (booting) often required a multi-page checklist, and either setting dozens of switches, or feeding it a bunch of punched cards, possibly reading a 20'-long paper tape tape. New technology replaced the wires and magnets with solid-state memory, and switches and paper tapes were replaced with 8" or 5-1/4" floppy (soft, flexible) discs. And here's where the story begins.
I moved from New Jersey to the Austin, Texas area over 31 years ago to work in a tech support center. I worked in the department that handled issues with programming languages, editors, application environment controls, debugging tools, and the like. A tech in a different department got a call from a woman in New Jersey, a systems analyst, who said that the floppy disc didn't boot the computer anymore, and she didn't have a backup onsite. So, yeah, there's a way to get around that, but it's a long, complicated process. And since all the instructions had to be dictated to her, it took a while. Afterward, the tech asked the woman to make a copy of the floppy disc and send it to him so he could determine what was wrong with it.
The address and phone numbers of the support center was on every computer we sold, so there was no need to provide that information. About two hours later, I went to retrieve something I had printed out to fax to the person I was working with, and found a couple of pages for the tech in the other department. So while waiting for my fax to finish sending, I looked at the one we received. Turns out, I used to work with that systems analyst, and had worked on that computer almost every day. And she was a really smart person, but also had her moments. Apparently, that day was one of them. She had taken a pair of scissors, cut off the edge of the protective cover of the floppy, removed the disc, photocopied it, and faxed it to us in Texas. Yeah, true story.
I still talk to her and her husband every once in a while.

>119 WholeHouseLibrary: Similar story with a client running accounting software on an Apple IIe with 5.25 inch floppies; one for program and the other for data. Instructions given to make back-up copy of data disk everyday and to file and date the copies.

On the first visit for a crash the operator was asked to get the latest copy of the data disk and, hey presto, the photocopy of the data disk was produced from the filing cabinet where nicely dated photocopies of the data disk were stored.

>119 WholeHouseLibrary: >120 pgmcc: While I'm not a tech, your stories remind me of the night I got to play one at work. Something or other wasn't right on a server(s) for our store. So, as the "computer pro" on night crew I got to sit on the floor in front of a keyboard and monitor while the tech fed me commands to type in via phone, and then waited for me to tell him what happened, and then type in another. I think I wound up spending about 45 minutes fixing whatever was wrong.

Didn't get much more than a "Thanks for your help" from management even tho I saved them the cost of an in person visit from the tech and possibility of the store not being able to open on time as a mobile tech couldn't get to the store for at least a couple hours.

>120 pgmcc: Ha! oh my sides! Tho to be fair, I was just starting my computer experience with Apple IIc, and was green enough to probably do the same....

I often worry about German sausages. Basically, I fear the wurst.

A house sparrow, a starling, and a collared dove walk into a bar.

The bartender exclaims, “Oh hey! Do you ladies know each other?”

To which the birds reply: “Yeah, we’ve been introduced”
.
.
.
.
Hint: It's a US bar.
https://twitter.com/InstBirdPop/status/1301898272928411650

What do you call a two legged cow?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Lean beef.

What do you call a mouse that walks on two feet?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Mickey Mouse.

What do you call a duck that walks on two feet?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
All ducks walk on two feet.

What do you call a deer with no eye?
.
.
.
.
I have no idea.

See >5 humouress: for similar animal :0)

I don't know why, but I like that one.

>129 humouress:

Oh, so you have no eye deer either... I like the dinosaur though. :D

The one I love is "what's the fastest cake on the world?

-

-

-

-

Scone .. .. .. ..

Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
.
.
.
.
.
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!

hahahahahaha.... erm.... ha.....

>132 Darth-Heather: I suppose 3 doors would make it a 'hatch' back, then...?

>133 ScoLgo: ha, yes! I like it!

Q: How do monkeys make toast?

A: They put it under a gorilla.

How do you put an elephant in the ‘fridge?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You open the door and put it in.

How do you know you've got one in there?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Door won't close.

How do you put a giraffe in the 'fridge?.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
No.
You open the door, take the elephant out and then put the giraffe in.

>137 Brazen: Not the footprints in the butter?

>139 haydninvienna: You are correct. There are two elephants in the fridge when you cannot close the door.

How do you put four elephants into a mini-car?

Two in the front and two in the back.

I suppose you could actually fit ten in a mini-car if you also put an elephant in each trunk.

Or eight ... not sure mini-cars have trunks unless there are elephants in them.

There are five hundred suitcases on a plane and someone throws one out. How many are left?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Four hundred and ninety nine.

The king of the animals invited all the animals to a party. All but one came. Which one did not come?
.
,
,
,
,
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The giraffe, because he was still stuck in the 'fridge.

There were 3 guys adrift at sea in a boat, they had 4 cigarettes between them but nothing to light them with so they threw one ciggie overboard. Now the boat was a cigarette lighter.

>140 pgmcc: How do you put 5 elephants into a mini-car?

Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

Little Amy had to cross a crocodile-infested river.

She made it safely across. How did she do that?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
All the crocodiles were at the party.

But she still died. Why?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The suitcase fell on her.

What is the one thing you must carry with you at all times when you are out sailing?
.
.
.
A bar of soap....
.
.
.
because if you fall overboard you can wash yourself ashore...

Did you know that ants never get sick?

They have little anty bodies.

Never, ever start a pillow fight with Death - unless you are prepared for the reaper cushions!

Found this on an old Ask.Metafilter thread (and seems relevant to my own current concerns and those of the world in general):

"If we ever create a sport whereby monkeys fling poo at one another, and there's one dedicated supporter, there's a solid chance that s**t will hit the fan."

>149 haydninvienna: :-)

>150 pgmcc: Vaguely relevantly:
I read a story about a certain actor who had a reputation for being unpleasant to fans. A fan of his got into conversation with him one day and started making reasonable talk, upon which the actor got increasingly unpleasant and insulting until finally the fan punched him. Upon which a bystander marked that never before had the fan hit the s**t.

I know who the actor was, but not saying.

I think you missed a step:

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

Which reminds of that ancient one...

What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear?

Anything you like: he can't hear you.

It is a known fact that alligators can live to be 100 years old - which increases the chance of them seeing you later.

Not really a joke, but this makes me laugh every time I see it. TMNT has come full-circle since the original satire.

"So Bob, I heard you won a fancy toilet brush at the fair. How does it do?"

"Well, it works pretty well, but still I think I'm gonna go back to toilet paper."

>156 Jim53: that is a very bad joke from Garrison Keillors Bad Jokes segment. I still laugh!

>156 Jim53: A pandemic joke! :D

That's a bit stiff.