Bad Joke of the Day 9

Current Turkish gallows humour:

A prisoner goes to the prison library, asks for a specific book.
The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author."

Moshik Temkin‏ @moshik_temkin (Harvard, Kennedy School)
9:42 AM - 24 Aug 2018

oops--duplicate post

‘Dad, I’m hungry!’
‘Hi, Hungry.’
‘I’m serious!’
‘No, you’re Hungry.’
‘You’re joking!’
‘No; I’m Dad.’

Happy Father’s Day for Sunday 2nd September.

Sign seen recently in a small cafe in New Mexico

Unattended children will be
Given a cup of espresso
And a new puppy

I always laugh at this, esp because I would assume that you'd do this as said child is out the door. Otherwise your own cafe will soon descend into chaos!

I think the version I saw said "Unattended children will be given a double espresso and promised a puppy"...it wasn't a cafe, though.

Our vet has/had a sign with the wording in #4.

Police Station Toilet Stolen

Detectives have nothing to go on.

>8 Jim53: Ha!!

On the tables at Legoland Malaysia:

Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because he saw the salad dressing.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?
A: Swimming trunks.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

Patient laying on psychiatrist's couch: Doctor, I keep having these dreams that I'm a component of a car. In the past month I keep dreaming about the same car part - a tail pipe. What do you think this means?
Psychiatrist: It means you're exhausted.

Courtesy of Siri, via my daughter-in-law:

Fun fact: Mr. Spock actually had three ears.

A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

Two guys were talking about food when one said:

"I had a chicken tarka the other night, was wonderful."

"Don't you mean tikka?" asked the other.

"No, it's like a tikka but it's a little otter." came the reply.

Mommy skunk had two young kids, who were called In and Out. They loved exploring their area and playing boisterously. One day they were out exploring when Mommy called them in for mealtime, and only Out came home. Instant panic. So they sent out a major search party. And eventually Out brought his brother home.
"How did you find him?" said Mommy.
"In stinked" replied Out.

>14 hfglen: An appropriate groan; i.e. perfect.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: Look for fresh prints.

Short letter from son at college to Dad at home: Dear Dad, No mon, no fun, Your Son
Short letter from Dad at home to son at college: Dear Son, too bad, so sad, Your Dad

This is one my 9 year old son claims he and his friend made up. Given the level of humour, it’s possible.

A fridge fell out of a plane and hit a koala which fell out of the tree.
The second koala fell out of the tree because it was hit by the fridge and the first koala.
The third koala was hit by the fridge and two koalas.
The fourth koala was hit by the fridge and three koalas.

But why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree?
.
.
.
.
.
Peer pressure.
Told you it was bad. What made it giggle-worthy for us was the way he mimicked the koala waking up, looking around, startled, and leaping frantically out of the tree.

#18: Cute... very smile-worthy!

How do you fix a broken Jack-o-Lantern?
With a pumpkin patch !

What do skeletons say before dinner?
Bone appetit!

(Sorry!)

#18

I really like it. :-D

>12 MrsLee: I read that about 10 times over the past week, and just now got it - groan, but good!

>20 margd: Ha!

Not sure how old this one is: the premise: there is not just one devil, but many.
with occasional recruitment of "rookies".
One day a "rookie" devil consults a "veteran" about how the vet manages to convert so many people to deviltry:
R: I canʻt seem to convert anyone! How do you do it?
V. Well-- what do yOU tell them?
R. Oh, I tell them: Donʻt help other people; donʻt use decent language; donʻt go to church . . .
V. Thatʻll never work: People donʻt like to be told what NOT to do. I tell them to DO all those things.
R. !? Really?
V. Yes, but with one stipulation. I always close with: ʻJust DONʻT do them RIGHT NOW!ʻ

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller Brewing orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guiness orders a Coke.
The three CEOs ask him, "Why aren't you ordering a Guiness?"
He replies, "If you guys aren't drinking beer then neither will I."

>26 rgurskey: *snickers*

Jame Joyceʻs joke (or is it just word twisting?) on a classic Guiness ad:

"GENESIS is good for you."

Hmmm. I can't find my mood ring this morning. Not sure how I feel about it.

>29 Jim53: :-)

Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

A: Supplies!

Urgh! That most certainly belongs here!

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea.

An elemntary school teacher who was "Death on" the use of nicknames
called on her class to state their first names.

The first student was named Thomas, and gave his name as
"Tom". The teacher shouted, "Your name is not Tom; your name is
Thomas, -- Thom-ASS!!

The second student's name was William, and he said,
"My name is Bilious."

The third whose name was John said "My name is Jack-ASS!"

(This goes back to the 1930s or earlier; there may be more to it,
but the above is all I remember of it.)

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

HAHAHAHA!

The local news reports that the Powers That Be want to install a clock on the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Then it'll have both the time and the inclination.

>37 hfglen: [hollow groan]

Placed an order with Amazon the other day for 4 kindles. They sent me a two Ronnies dvd instead...

Reference for the uninitiated

>39 AHS-Wolfy: Good skit. I feel the proprietor's pain. Sometimes I think I'm going deaf when I take messages on the phone, but I suspect it is that people use their speaker phones in their cars, and then don't half enunciate.

Seen on Facebook....

Person 1: Do you know where Engagement, Ohio is?
Person 2: (Thinking) No, I don't think I do.
Person 1: It's between Dayton and Marion.

In the same vein - If Mississippi gave Missouri a New Jersey, what did Delaware?

Idaho but Alaska.

What did Missis sip, boys;
What did Missis sip?

She sipped a Minne soda,
That's what she did sip.

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral. A man taps her shoulder from behind and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"Please, go ahead," she says.
He stands slowly, looks around, and says clearly, "Plethora." Then he sits.
She turns and pats his knee. "Thanks. That means a lot."

:-)

I got up early to watch the sunrise but soon realised I'd forgotten which direction to watch for it. Then it dawned on me.

I then got arrested for doing some anagrams. Apparently the Post Office doesn't like you re-arranging their letters.

A guy hasn't been feeling too well so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor runs some tests, takes a few blood samples, and tells him to wait. About 15 minutes later the doctor comes back, sits down and with a heavy sigh says, "I'm afraid you're suffering from HAGS." The guy says, "HAGS? What does that mean?" The doctor says, "It stands for herpes, aids, gonorrhea ans syphilis." The guy stammers, "Well, ...well, what are you going to do?" The doctor says, "We're going to put you on a diet of pizza and pancakes." The guy says, "Will that help?" and the doctor says," I don't know but it's the only food we can slip under the door."

Why do we spell “dark” with a “k” rather than a “c”?

Because one can’t see in the dark.

There was once, fairly recently, a snail who came int a large sum of money. So he went and bought a Bugatti Veyron, and asked the salesman to arrange that a large letter S be painted on the doors and the roof. The salesman, unable to contain his curiosity, asked why. "Easy" said the snail, "so that when I'm doing 400 km/h down the road the bystanders can say 'man, watch that S car go'."

edited for grammar

>49 hfglen:: Went away confused but then I just got it!!

Ha! Hahahaha!

>50 PossMan: Ah! Feeling a bit slow today.

Very topical: From the era when Deng Tsiao Ping was running China and Mikhail Gorbachev was (more or less) running the new Russia.

Deng and MG had reached a stage of merely cold
diplomatic relations, and MG urged a summit conference
for passing on into "normal" relations; Deng said: only on condition that you ship us some consumer-goods--not BIG shipments, just token amounts to show good faith.

MG: Probably. What do you want?

D: Well, 4 things. First: 800 bushels of wheat?

MG: No problem!

D: Second, 400 liters of vodka?

MG You got it!

D: Third, 200 kilos of caviar?

MG: No sooner said than done!

D: Fourth: 25 sets of golf clubs?

MG: (hesitantly) OOH! That would be really difficult.

D: Why would THAT be so difficult?

MG: BULGARIA doesnʻt produce golf clubs!

This joke is said to be not Bulgarian, Chinese, or Western, but RUSSIAN, in origin!

What did the microbiology student get for being late to class?
A tardigrade.

A photon checks into a hotel, and the desk clerk says "Can I get a bellhop for your bags?" Photon responds "No need. I'm traveling light."

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

All mushrooms are edible. Some are only edible once.

(from https://www.popsci.com/science-jokes-funny#page-2)

From this year's Christmas crackers:

What sort of ball doesn't bounce?
What did one eye say to the other?
Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance?

A snowball.
Between you and me, something smells.
Because they have two left feet.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a woman from the Philippines. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Brazilian. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Scotland. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot food on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

(Also told as third man marries a girl from Canada--I think that's the version a cousin's Scottish husband tells. ;-)

>57 margd: Thanks, I needed that. I changed the last girl to one from the Caribbean (my wife's point of origin) and sent it to her e-mail. She got quite a laugh out of it and forwarded it to friends down there. I bet by tomorrow morning it will be in every in box on every computer on the various islands.

NUDE BEACH ....... !!!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

>59 rgurskey: I'm stealing that one!

There was this medieval traveller who found himself away from home over the weekend, and had to resort to the hospitality of a monastery one Friday evening. Needless to say, the menu was fish and chips. Not so obviously, this particular meal was excellently done. Afterwards, the traveller found a gent in a brown habit and expressed his compliments to the chef. "Oh", said the monastic gentleman, "you want the Fish Friar. I'm only the Chip Monk."

So you’re American (British, whatever) and you go to a restaurant. You need to use the bathroom and when you return, you’re still American. But what are you when you’re in the bathroom?

European.

And on the way to the bathroom?

Russian.

>62 humouress: that's a variation of the question - how do you make a sentence with nationalities? Finnish Russian and European.

Rumor has it, the original joke came from Freddy Heineken

then there was the HS boy friend who was discribed as Russian hands and Roman fingers

Donald McGeoch's song "The Porcelain Waltz", which is about Shanks toilets, has the line "If you're European, you're a-peein' in Shanks."

where do you find a cross dressing canadian?

at a Klon-dyke bar

Apparently, you can't use beefstew as a password.
It's not stroganoff.

>68 margd: perfect for this thread.

You know my dad always said:
“ First rule of theatre? Always leave them wanting more!”
Great bloke , terrible anaesthetist.

>67 jojoasdwer123: that's a variation on the old

Q: What do you call a lesbian cocktail lounge?
A: A Her-she bar

when does a joke become a dad joke?

when it becomes apparent.

>72 jojoasdwer123:
As a dad I feel compelled to use that. :-)

Actually, my Northern Irish accent makes the pun all the more apparent.

>73 pgmcc: It's good when these things work to your advantage.

Why are redneck crimes so hard to solve??

Because all the DNA matches and there aren't any dental records.

I don't understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral rates and blame it on the cost of living.

>76 rgurskey: Good one.

I had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that I had a birthmark that was perfectly shaped like a saxophone. I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had one that are shaped like musical instruments.
He was amazed and said; “Well, in 27 years as a GP I’ve never seen anything like it. Having said that, I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and she had something that was shaped like a Mouth Organ”.
I said; “Ah; that’ll be our Monica”

>76 rgurskey:. :-)

>78 AHS-Wolfy: My wife loved that one. I now have to tell it to my sister, our Monica

>79 pgmcc: That was the toned down version of the joke but glad to hear it was well received.

From a FB meme:

*romantic setting*

She murmurs, "Undress me with your words."

He replies, "There's a spider in your bra."

>81 MrsLee: :-)))

I wonder if that line would work? >;-)

>81 MrsLee: LOL!

Two labourers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed, “Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all woman’" he said, “We need the height and she gives us the length!”
Ray and Bob are still working for the government - but now they are politicians.

>84 hfglen: lol!

>84 hfglen: :-)

Granddaughter: What's Yoda's last name?
Grandfather: I don't know, what?
Granddaughter: Lay-hee-hoo!

>87 Jim53:
:-)
I like your Alpine humour.

Seen on Facebook....

Orions belt is a waist of space.

Poor joke. Three stars

>89 rastaphrog: A most suitable joke for this thread. :-)

If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

>91 rgurskey: How could it be? They wouldn't even have a bone to pick.

>92 ScoLgo: :You're hamming it up, now.

Could you two can it, please?

>94 Yamanekotei: Sorry! We didn't realize you had a steak in this... ;)

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Rare joke, well done.

>95 ScoLgo: Thinks: And so off they go, like lambs to the slaughter ...

These jokes are so baaaaaaad.

The thinking in the last two posts has been a bit woolly.

You should all be feeling sheepish. And this thread is starting to look like a Piffle Party.

Everyone is flocking to it.

It is a close knit community.

>183 rastaphrog: Peter, you're really ramming the point home.

It’s “shear” skill.

That was a close cut.

>105 pgmcc: Now tell me why I thought of "Lullaby of Birdland" just then.

>107 haydninvienna: Maybe because we're all a bit cuckoo?

>108 hfglen: Nope.

ETA let's see what Peter can do with it. It's all a bit of a lark really.

OK, enough. Famous hit record by George Shearing.

Reminds me of Robin Williams' joke:

Did you hear they have a new use for sheep in New Zealand?

-wool.

If you tell a bad joke in India, they poke you with a finger.

Well, not all of India, just the Punjab.

I just sent a bunch of these to my dad--thanks guys!! LOL

>113 Berly: What did your dad ever do to you that means he deserves such harsh treatment? :=)

>112 madpoet: I read this yesterday. Just saw it again and finally got it. Geesh!

Q: How do you tell if someone has a glass eye?

A: When it comes out in the conversation.

>114 pgmcc: Oh, it is total payback because he is always sending me jokes that make me groan. Besides, some of these were pretty good! He is getting off light. : )

I went to a vegetarian restaurant recently and on the dinner menu was surf and turf. It turned out to be mud and seaweed.

An obnoxious* pun of I don't know how many decades old:

At a medium-sized railroad station, the station-master
posted a sign reading: "Trains delayed today, Sept. 7:"--
only to be asked by a prospective passenger, who lacked the station-master's skill in spelling::

"You said (all) trains, EXCEPT 7, would be delayed today.
But WHICH seven?

*But, in real life, I DON'T think puns are obnoxious.

Pirate: The guns be ready, Captain.

Captain: ARE!

>120 margd: :-)

>120 margd: :0D

ETA: hits close to home; I have 2 sons in school.

>122 humouress: Pirate school, Arghh?

Aye

Pirate: You and me did it, Captain.

Captain: I!

Three coworkers were asked to help with a company party. The first two were asked to get food and drinks. The third, a Japanese man, was asked to get supplies. On the day of the party the first two brought the food and drinks, but no one could find the Japanese man. Then someone opened a closet, and the Japanese man jumped out.

"Supplies!" he said.

>126 madpoet: Weird Al used that bit in his movie UHF:

Supplies

Waiter: “How would you like your steak done, sir?”
Diner: “Like winning an argument with my wife.”
Waiter: “Right, sir, ‘rare’ it is!”

>128 haydninvienna: Hahahaha! I like that one.

A guy was out for a walk and saw another guy walking by with 2 penguins. The first guy says, "You should really take those penguins to the zoo." The second guy says "okay."

A couple days later the first guy is out for a walk again and sees the second guy walking by and he still has the 2 penguins. The first guy says, "I thought you were going to take those penguins to the zoo." Second guy says, I did. Today I'm taking them to the museum."

>130 morningwalker:

Haha, for a few seconds I was thinking that the second guy was taking the penguins for taxidermy.

Seen on Facebook

Did you hear about the bike that went around biting people?

It was a vicious cycle.

That reminds me ...

Years ago, when my sons were in Boy Scouts together, a guest speaker was delayed for the weekly troop meeting (stuck behind a long line of cars due to an accident on the highway.) There was nothing else planned for the evening, so the other adult leaders called to me and asked if I could tell the lads a story. At monthly camp outs, I had a reputation for doing puns and jokes, and sometimes long stories. The lad referred to them as "Mr. Lynch jokes."

For 45 minutes (really,) I extrapolated the premise of the question of the following joke until the intended guest speaker finally appeared through the door, at which time, I delivered the punch line. Here it is:

Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was amputated?

He's all right now.

An English teacher had part of his colon removed. Now it's a semi-colon.

A truck loaded with Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway. Surprisingly there was no congestion for eight hours.

(Sign on building wall) BILL STICKERS WILL BE PROSECUTED!
Random kid, passing by: “Isn’t it about time they caught that bloke?”

>137 haydninvienna: That one wss hoary when my grandfather told it! :-D

>138 -pilgrim-: it was probably hoary when his grandfather told it to him too!

>137 haydninvienna: An equally ancient version has a piece of graffiti under that sign: Bill Stickers is innocent!

Perhaps another version is the (1960s?) movie title:
"Bill POSTERS will be prosecuted". (I haven't seen it
and don't how many jokes are in it.} Maybe "poster" is
British English and "sticker" is American?

According to one of the recent etiquette guides if the occasion is a shotgun wedding it is appropriate to throw puffed rice.

>141 rolandperkins: // We Yanks generally refer to them as posters, or sometimes placards, but the often-ignored warning signs read: Post no Bills.
Go figure!//

I'm a New Englander* by birth, but I've heard only of
"placards" (pretty formal), and "stickers" (not so often)
- - not "posters".

*Ethnically: half Irish, 1/4 Scottish (by way of Virginia}
and 1/4 "Yankee. My surname CAN be Irish, but, in
my case is Yankee".

How do they expect to get paid if they can’t post bills? It must be a cash only ecenomy or else they are promoting electronic payments.

Saw a sign recently that said, "Watch for children"

I thought: that sounds like a fair trade!

Almost as good as a sign that stood for many years on a major road in Pretoria (outside an old-age home, needless to say): SLOW CROSSING FOR THE AGED

Did you hear about the flasher who was going to retire?

He decided to stick it out for another year.

Then there was the sign on the San Diego Highway - Exit Cruise Ships

This isn't a joke, happened at work yesterday. We are in the process of hiring a Lube Technician. One of the requirements is that they have their own tools for the job. My boss was asking me to sort of pre-screen applicants, especially those who sent emails to apply, or Facebook responses. He said, "It's no good if they have your standard Craftsman toolbox, either. They need to be mechanic's tools, so find that out." I asked him how to do that, and he said I could ask them to send a photo.

I told him, "I'm not asking a bunch of men to send me a picture of their tools." Happily, my boss has a good sense of humor.

>150 MrsLee: Excellent story.

I am not going to ask what approach you did take to verifying the appropriateness of their tools.

>150 MrsLee: LOL!!

>150 MrsLee: Please don't tell us you work for a proctologist!

>153 WholeHouseLibrary: LOL!

Car dealership, in case you were serious. :D

>147 hfglen::
There's an old folks home near us in Inverness (Scotland) which I drive by often and the board outside it reads "Ach in Eas" (probably with some weirdo accents I've omitted). I assume it's Gaelic and everytime we pass I translate as "pain in the arse"

Husband: Have a nice day
Wife: Don't you tell me what to do!

A golfing couple, of whom the wife experiences
diffculties, especially with drives and other longer shots:

Husband: Your problem is that you're LUNGING at the ball.

Wife: (addressing the ball): All right: Watch me NOT lunge!
--(she hits the ball her usual 20-30 yards.)
DID I "lunge"?

Husband: No, but you didn't do anything else,either!

(Anecdote, really, not a joke; true story. In 3 years of caddying
this is the only saying I can remember which implied
that there is more to golf than finding out what your "problem"
is.)

I can't figure out how to grab the comics graphic, so click the link for a bad pun

http://comicskingdom.com/mother-goose-grimm/2019-04-01

>158 rastaphrog: That's a good one.

Happened to be perusing some emails from almost 15 years ago, and came across s series of puns. They were all good, but this one made me laugh out loud:

Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

Swiped from FB

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Good one!!

The three "Morrision Sisters" from "Scalpay", Isle of Harris* are aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.....(Draming and Giggiling)...!!!..

One night the 96 year old runs a Bath, puts her foot in and pauses...!!!..
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"....!!!

The 94 year old yells back,..., "I don't know, I'll come up and see.".!!!!.....
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,...."Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"...!!!!...

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,..."I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
She knocks on wood for good measure and shouts.."I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.".

*Hebrides, Scotland. Some of my ancestors were from the Hebrides. Genes will out, I know... :D

A joke ABOUT an ancient joke, with compliments
to an ancient issue of Mad Magazine

Q. How did the saying "Don't give up the ship!" originate?

A. In an old Q & A joke:
Q.: " DO YOU KNOW When is the ship NOT a ship?"
A. You DON'T? GIVE UP? THE SHIP
is NOT a ship when it's a FLOAT!

>164 rolandperkins: Specifically, Page 11, top of the page, December 1960 Mad Magazine - Commander Lawrence did not exactly say:

Thanks for the dating; I knew it was old, but I didn't think
it was over a half century! (I don't get WHAT Commander Lawrence
"did not exactly say" !?)

The article was titled "Famous Lost Words". The gag for Lawrence was...

Commander Lawrence did not exactly say : Don't give up the ship!

What he really said came about like this:

Sailor: Sir, the British have begun firing at us...and I'm frightened!
Lawrence: Maybe I can keep up your morale with this riddle I just made up tell me ... when is a ship not a ship?
Sailor: I don't know sir!
Lawrence: You DON'T? GIVE UP? THE SHIP is not a ship when it's afloat! When it's a float. Get it?

The bold type and the all caps were part of the original cartoon.

Thanks, @alco261

>167 alco261: Trying to make sense of your post (& its immediate predecessors) took me on a tour of a little bit of American history that I didn't know. Thank you.

Hee. always credited 'MAD magazine as my introduction to satire, puns and a twisted sense of humor that I am proud to have!

To honour the UK government's handling of the Brexit affair, OXO have decided to release a new cube. They've called it The Laughing Stock!

>171 AHS-Wolfy: The very first computer diagnostic message I every encountered applies here. It read: The interpretation of meaningless data has been attempted.

Me being a Yank, and you being a Brit, please enlighten me regarding the following terms:
1) OXO
2) cube (in its relavance to OXO)
3) The Laughing Stock (Perhaps this will become clear with revelation of the first two.

Thanks in advance,
WHL

>172 WholeHouseLibrary: Help, at least partial, comes from far away.

1) OXO has been around since one year before the flood. It's a dry beef extract
2) It comes in cubes, and is mostly used to make the kind of beef stock that Elizabeth David is on record as heartily disapproving of.
3) "stock" (US: broth, I think) picks up on 2) above. Do speakers of British English need to explain the phrase "a laughing stock"? If so, I'll stand back and make way for someone else.

We'd call Trump and his cronies a laughing stock, except the consequences of his lawlessness is too serious to joke about.

>173 hfglen: Thank you Hugh for saving me from having to explain my own joke. Honestly thought that oxo was one of those universally known brands that invade kitchens across the globe.

>172 WholeHouseLibrary: Here's a 1980's TV commercial that should set your mind at rest should you need further explanation of what an oxo cube is.

>175 AHS-Wolfy: We have those here; we'd call it a beef bouillon cube, though. And Oxo isn't a brand that I've seen here in the US.

>176 foggidawn:: I expect you could buy "beef/chicken/ham bouillon cubes" here in UK but triple the price for a fancy name and for all I know the same stock cube inside the wrapper.

I remember using those bullion cubes to make a cuppa soup when I was in college. So glad you can now by broth in boxes - soo much better!

>175 AHS-Wolfy:. No trouble translating your joke here. Everyone loved it.

Where cubes are invoved, resistance is futile.

Q: How do weigh a millennial?
A: In Instagrams

>180 alco261: Lite!

There was an old man of Calcutta
Who anointed his tonsils with butta
Thus converting his snore
From a thunderous roar
To a soft oleaginous mutta.

Seen on Facebook...

I took the pee out of a pirate

He was furious!

Ha!

>183 rastaphrog:
That sounds like the level of interest on a loan to buy an Apple device; the i-rate.

>185 pgmcc:

I rate it with three stars. ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

well thats just piracy!!

From FB:

I got a ride from a Russian Uber driver.
His name was Pickup Andropov.

And what of the really, really smart orangutan who read Darwin and the Bible and was ever after worried that he might be his keeper's brother ...

Seen on FB, need the pic as it's a visual "joke"

Wife to Husband: How about a quickie for lunch?
Husband to Wife: That's pronounced quiche!

>193 alco261:

It seems like the roles should be reversed in that joke.

I thought so too but that was the way it was printed.

Q: Why couldn't the hen find her eggs?
A: Because she'd mislaid them.

a pretentious-looking tourist in Maine approached
a local retailer, and asked, "Would you happen to have
anything in the way of some ginger ale?"

His reply: 'Yes ma'am; we have three cases of hahd
cidah that are in the way of some gigiah ale right now.
But if you want the gingiah ale, we can move the cidah!"

Best ginger beer I've tasted was from the Caribbean (Jamaica?) by way of Quebec. Has a trace of capsicum in it. Bottles are small and it's surprising refreshing.
Talk about "pretentious: after discovering it, we've actually had summer "tastings" to look for a US equivalent!

DH brewed ginger ale one Christmas. Couldn't send kids to fruit cellar to get one because his ginger ale exploded, easily!
In the end, I think he had to open the bottles down there with thick gloves and lots of towels. And safety glasses.

Same thing happened with some craft ginger ale he bought the kids at Trader Joe's!
TJ gave him his money back and asked that he PLEASE not return the product. :D

True story: When I was in high school, the mother of my best friend (a Kentucky native) was heavily into canning home-gown vegetables, and making root beer; had one of those devices that pushes the cap onto the bottle.
One day, she asked me if I wanted to try one. So, of course, I said yes. She got out the bottle opener and began to unstop the bottle. As soon as the grip broke, the cap shot off the top of the bottle, taking the bottle opener with it, and embedded itself in the ceiling. She needed a dozen stitches in her fingers from where the back end of the opener sliced through.
I never did have that root beer, but the kitchen smelled great.

>198 margd: My sister and brother-in-law periodically sponsor taste test parties searching for "the best ..." I've participated in the local dark chocolate maker party and the pizza party; but the most fun was the Irish Creams party. Dunno why.

What does Ironman wear under his suit?

Nothing. He's Stark naked.

>200 2wonderY: I always knew that the Pub was an educational place, but now I've discovered that "Irish cream" isn't only Bailey's. Wikipedia mentions 4, and a quick Google turns up several more. How many did you test?

>200 2wonderY: Now I'm trying to imagine what a tasting party for Irish creams would be like. Of course you spat out each tiny sip of each one, right?

>202 haydninvienna: Five or six, I think. And I believe St. Brendan's was top; Bailey's came in third.
>203 haydninvienna: Uh, right! If you insist.

>203 haydninvienna: & >204 2wonderY:
I carried out a computer system implementation for Bailies in the 1990s. It was fascinating to learn about the Irish Cream market. They had developed the concept and their marketing responses to the challengers was interesting.

>204 2wonderY: In case any other lactose-intolerant folks are wondering, Baileys Almande is very tasty. It is dairy free, made with almond milk.

Seen on Facebook...

Elvis Costello and ABBA are touring together this summer but they haven't figured out who the headliner will be. So, watch for ABBA and Costello to find out who's on first.

>206 Darth-Heather: Thank you!!

>207 rastaphrog: love it!

Seen on Netflix Maniac series, episode 4.

What did the Buddha say when he walked up to the hotdog vendor?

"Make me one with everything. "

I watched a documentary about shipbuilding last night.

It was riveting.

> 211

Whatever floats your boat.

>211 AHS-Wolfy: It certainly sounds as though your attention was fastened onto what you were watching.

>192 rastaphrog: Thank you for posting this! I have a friend with the same last name. I edited a photo of him with & without cigar and sent it to all of our mutual friends. Hilarity ensued.

Seen on a number sticker:

EARTH without ART is EH.

"EARTH without ART is EH" (215)

AND you understood what EH stands for? Want to
translate?

>216 rolandperkins:

EH is a sound effect, like YECH. Not very good.

EH is (besides being "EARTH" w/out "ART") a sound
effect . . ." (215-16)

Thanks, @rgurskey.

EH also requires a tilt of the head with a shrug of the shoulders.

EH....

>216 rolandperkins: "AND you understood what EH stands for? Want to translate?"

Eh, not really... ;)

I got home from work to find the heads of all the flowers in my garden cut off. I must have a stalker.

Oh deer!

>221 pgmcc: Maybe you should try and get to the root of the problem and weed it out.

>221 pgmcc: I looked in your garden, but no-buddy was there.

>223 AHS-Wolfy: Where is this all stemming from?

>225 morningwalker:
Danny. He told me the stalker story yesterday.

>223 AHS-Wolfy: Or should we branch out and leaf poor Pete's garden alone?

>226 pgmcc: Ahh, well at least it's only the flowers. If it were the grains too then it would be a cereal stalker.

>228 morningwalker:

That's a good one! Can't stop those budding humorists.

"It's National Swimsuit Day! Take 50% off!"

(flyer reported on The News Quiz, BBC4)

Seen on Facebook:

"A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40
A chicken pie in St. Kitts costs $2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean!"

To the optimist the glass is half full. To the pessimist the glass is half empty. To an industrial engineer the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Seriously, only in Tarbert, Harris*. You will not believe what just happened. I walked into a petrol station to get something to eat. As I was walking in the door, I noticed the old bill parked on the side of the building, watching this man who was smoking a fag while pumping his petrol. I know, Wat a complete Pleb. Anyway, I go inside, get my sandwich and as the cashier gives me my change I hear someone screaming. I look out the window and see this man's arm is on fire. He was swinging his arm and running around like a crazy man. I hurried outside and saw the copper had the guy on the ground and was putting the fire out with his coffee. Then he proceeded to handcuff him and put him in the back of his car. I thought to myself, "How stupid are you to smoke while pumping petrol ?!?!". Did he really think nothing was going to happen?!?! Being the nosey chap that I am, I asked the copper what he was charging him with. He looked me dead in the face, and said, "waving a firearm!"

*Hebrides

"I can always tell when someone is lying."
"Really, always?"
"Yep, and I can always tell when someone is standing too."

Seen in a 1946 issue of the South African Railways and Harbours Magazine, so the background quoted here is probably no longer current.

In civilian air circles a "short" is a non-priority passenger. If possible, when removed from a flight he is given what is known as "protection", i.e. hotel facilities, or other transportation. A new American Airlines stewardess, unfamiliar with this jargon, was startled to receive this radio message in mid-air: "Prepare to remove shorts at Detroit. No protection."

True story:

My colleague, an Englishman and a smoker, asked me if I had any cigarettes.

'Sorry,' I replied, 'I don't smoke.'

'Oh well,' he said, 'Maybe I'll just outside and try to bum a fag.'

>236 madpoet:

Divided by a common language. :-)

It certainly has a different meaning in American English than in English English.

He who drinks a fifth on the fourth,
may not be able to go forth on the fifth.

(FB)

>238 margd: ... and
>240 rolandperkins: ... Ok, joke deleted - I trust this meets with your approval

When I was drinking, I wasn't much for speedy drinking, and
didn't watch much college or pro football, but I don't think it
would ever have taken me 4 quarters to finish a fifth.

Sorry if I'm in the wrong thread: Drinking, alcoholic or "Social" is
no joke.

From Facebook

* Watches the Food Network once *

I have prepared a pureed nut spread with a grape relish reduction paired with a brioche bun.

AKA - a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

From a FB comment thread

What’s the most sensitive part of a boys body when he’s masturbating?

His ears listening out for his mother coming up the stairs

A county sheriff was cruising by a farm when he spotted a farmer, stark naked, dancing around his John Deere. He drove up to the farmer, got out of his car, and asked the farmer why he was doing that. The farmer answered, "I went to the doctor and told him the wife just wasn't interested in sex anymore. And then he told me I should do something erotic to attract her."

(This works best if you read it aloud!)

>243 theretiredlibrarian:

Oh, Deere!

>243 theretiredlibrarian: That reminded me of an old Russian joke.

The commissar's regular lectures on the progress of revolutionary Socialism, accompanied by exhortations to further hard work, were usually extremely turgid, and most members of the collective farm were inclined to find other urgent duties, whenever possible, that precluded their having to attend.

One Sunday, however, a lecture was announced that had full attendance. Despite all the previous injunctions that Soviet youth should be focused on building the Communist utopia, and put aside all selfish preoccupations, such as romantic liaisons, a guest speaker had been invited, whose topic was to be "The different types of llove and how they are demonstrated in practice".. This was revolutionary material indeed! The lecture hall was packed with eager, slightly sweaty young men.

The lecturer began:
There are many types of llove. Firstly, there is the love of a man for his wife, which manifests itself in the creation of new Soviet citizens. But you all share living accommodation with your fathers and mothers, so you already know how that is done. So I do not need to tell you anything about that.

Then there is the love of a man for another man. But that is a filthy perversion that exists only in decadent Western countries. So I do not need to tell you anything about that.

Then there is the love of a man for his tractor - that miracle of Soviet engineering! So I propose to devote the remainder of lecture to this topic...

>243 theretiredlibrarian: he might expect a "Dear John" letter next.

>245 -pilgrim-: That reminds me of a religious retreat my class was sent on when we were 16 years old (1970s). The retreat was an overnight affair and a talk on "sex" was scheduled for 10am on the second day. We were that group of eager, slightly sweaty young men.

As the time approached we took our seats and the director of the retreat, a Redemptorist priest, called us to order. The various sniggers and comments quietened down. Fr. Director told us that rather than a celibate priest telling adolescent boys about sex that a doctor was to give the talk and that we might listen more to a doctor. Fr. Director then called for the doctor to enter the room and a very good looking, heavily pregnant doctor came in. That shut us up.

>246 bernsad: Would that not be a 'Deere John' letter? ;)

If you're happy and you know it, stay in bed.
If you're happy and you know it, stay in bed.
If you're happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it.
If you're happy and you know it, stay in bed.

The Emperor Nero was having a discussion with his advisors in an amphitheatre. He asked them
"Why doesn't this place ever make any money?"
"Well er ah um Sire, you see ahem, the lions keep eating the prophets"

>250 hfglen: I suspect he was fiddling the finances.

In honor of Talk Like a Pirate day:

Q: Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?
A: Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.

There was a dreadful explosion at a French cheese factory. There was nothing left but de brie.

>252 morningwalker: That's a version of the old joke the survival instructors used to tell when I was in the Navy.

If your ship is hit and you have to abandon ship the best way to survive in the water is to make sure you jump overboard with a bar of soap - reason - with the bar of soap you can wash yourself ashore.

>252 morningwalker: In that vein... What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?

I believe most respondents would guess 'R' - but the true answer is, 'tis always be the 'C', matey!

>254 alco261: & >255 ScoLgo: Hardy har har!!.

Did you hear about the man who invented the knock knock jokes?

Yeah, he won the No-Bell prize.

Blonde Man jokes:

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes but I'm not sure what to do... it is for dry hair and mine is already wet."

A blonde man spots a letter on his door mat. It says DO NOT BEND. He spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blonde man shouts into the telephone, "My wife is pregnant and the contractions are two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.
"NO!", he shouts, "This is her husband!"

Q: Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?

A: Because they have blonde boyfriends!

ROTFLMAO

What do you call a small robot vampire?

Nosferatu-D2

Courtesy of Glen Duncan

What do you call a kind and generous monster?

An utter failure.

A cow which has gone dry is an udder failure.

Working in a mirror factory.
Yeah, that's something I could see myself doing.

carpe diem: seize the day

carpal diem: seize the wrist

Carpe aceteria : Caesar salad

I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Ow!

Oh yes!!!!!

Good one!

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock .... that’s humerus.

>270 2wonderY: Ow!

>270 2wonderY: LOL!

Is buttcheeks one word or should I spread them apart?

message deleted

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said ,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock would you say?

-Canadian Humor (FB)

>275 margd:
That joke is too good to be in the bad joke thread.

Q: Do you think the new fashion of glass coffins will catch on?

A: It remains to be seen.

>277 hfglen:
Glad to see you are keeping the standard appropriate to the thread.

:-)

>275 margd: LOL!

>277 hfglen: Belongs on this thread. :-)

>227 hfglen: That got 2 groans from this household. :)

There was this well liked old couple who lived high upon a hill overlooking a small town. They were known by everyone and, because they were getting along in years people made it a point to check in on them to see how things were. When the weather got too cold many people would check the hill to see if there was smoke coming from the chimney of their house. One evening the area was hit with a really severe snow storm which dumped several feet of snow. The next morning as people were digging out it occurred to several people almost at the same time that no smoke was coming from the couple's chimney. Emergency services were immediately called, several of the larger towns sent additional help and with plows and front end loaders a rescue crew fought their way up the road leading to the old couple's driveway and right up to the front door. The first person to reach the front door was from the Red Cross. She knocked on the door and shouted "Red Cross!!!"...and from inside the house came a quavering voice, "We already gave."

90% of being married is shouting "What?" from another room.

Not so much before, but man, now, its all of the time. Doesn't help that someone has a hearing loss and doesn't think he does. ah well, good thing we still like each other

My sister-in-law came up with a good Christmas cracker joke; i.e. a bad joke.

People from the UK will get it but others will either have had to have watched UK Parliamentary debates to get the joke straight off.

Q: What do Picasso and the UK Parliament have in common?

A: Ayes to the left. Nos to the right.

I've been thinking about Pangaea the rock band.
Is a breakup inevitable?

- The Ice Age (tweet)

>284 pgmcc: *groans*

>285 margd: Reunite Gondwanaland!

>286 -pilgrim-: I thought you would appreciate it.

>287 haydninvienna: That would be a global shift.

Didya hear about the bald rooster? He tried to conceal it with a comb-over.

I love having pufferfish as a pet. Its cuteness is mind blowing.

Being down on my luck I decided to set up a dating site for chickens.

It was a way to make hens meet.

>293 AHS-Wolfy: People who look after chickens are chicken tenders.

(Courtesy of my son)

>294 humouress: Thank your son for that nugget of information.

>294 humouress: The information one can pluck from the internet these days is amazing.

>296 MrsLee: I’m not sure if he was just winging it.

>295 AHS-Wolfy: It seems that Dragoneers are just too chicken to curry on with that line of thought.

This fowl thread has become rather plucky ...

>299 Brazen: There is no need to crow about it - that is just too cocky.

>300 -pilgrim-: Of course we are egging them on.

>301 MrsLee: Now you’re just feathering the nest.

If the chicken puns continue, I may fly the coop!

>303 foggidawn: You know everyone is just winging it.

At least we know these boards are up to scratch.

>303 foggidawn: - There's no point in getting in a flap about it.

Ugh! Unfortunately, I've had too much to eat. I'd run away from these, but I'm afraid at this point, I can only wattle.

please someone make another animal joke!!!!

Gno gnus is good gnus.

I gnu that it would be you hoo picked the gnu subject...

I cannot wait until the end of the gnus so that I can hear the weather forecast.

>310 -pilgrim-: You mean I kudu done better?

Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.

Why did the antelope?

To get married.

I should have figured that a thread with that many posts would be all about the puns.

Carry on!

That's what vultures eat.

>315 WholeHouseLibrary: I am proud of you.

It's a gift ... and a curse.

Pic Swiped from Facebook because I'm too lazy to type it out.

That one is OP-worthy! :D

( ↘️ Continue this topic in another topic )

>318 rastaphrog: I reckon that wins the thread.

>319 margd: I agree with @margd that a new thread is overdue, but don't have a story to start it with. Someone please help!

>318 rastaphrog: GROAN!

Absolutely brilliant.

>318 rastaphrog: I was going to skip reading that because of the small print and such. Glad I didn't. :D