And Then .. .. .. Dec' 2021.

God's Mum: What are you reading now, dear?

God: On Library Thing I picked up The Book of Joshua from the Bible.

God's Mum: Oh ! I'm so pleased, dear. Is it good?

God: Well, it says that Joshua walked around the walls of Jericho playing his trumpet and the walls all fell down. But that's not the way it was at all.

God's Mum: What really happened, were you watching, dear?

God: Yes. I saw him walk around playing his trumpet and he died with forty seven arrows stuck in him.

God's Mum: I blame the organisers of the concert, dear.

>1 PinkSeeSaw:

God's Mum: Poor Joshua, dear. Forty six arrows stuck in him. The Jericho audience must have really disliked his trumpet solo, dear. That lack of musical appreciation, dear. That was the last thing he needed, dear.

God: There is some justice in it then, 'cos that's the last thing he got.

Laughter is the best medicine.😎

And it came to pass ~ A Bishop, a pastor & a rabbit walked into The Donkey's Rest Inn on the road to Bethlehem. The barmaid (Marylou Snickers) asked the rabbit what he wanted to drink.

"I don't know," replied the rabbit, "I'm only here 'cos of the spellchecker."

Credit: (Somewhat twisted version) LT's AHS-Wolfy

God's Mum: Everywhere I look, dear, the earthling's Bishops talk about "The Word of God", dear. What are they talking about, dear? Is your porridge hot enough, dear?

God: Porridge is perfect, thank you. I can only suppose the Bishops are talking about me, and I have never given anyone on that planet a single word.

God's Mum: So do you suppose the Bishops tell these ~stretchers~ all the time, dear?

God: Undoubtedly. I blame the weight of those big hats on soft brains. Any more toast going?

God’s Mum: Please will you help Noah, dear. He intends to save all the animals, dear.

God: Save 'em all from what?

God's Mum: There is wide speculation you are going to flood the world, dear.

God: There is very heavy rain forecast but nothing to do with me. Not such a bad idea though from what I've seen lately from the Bishops.

God's Mum: Noah is going to build a boat, dear. How is he going to get all the wood he needs for the boat in the middle of the desert? He needs trees, dear, and trees need rain, dear.

God: Good idea. With big branchy antlers.

God’s Mum: But .. .. .. (Sigh !) .. .. .. Best get him two, dear.

God's Mum: Stop laughing and eat your croissants and honey, dear. What's so funny anyway, dear?

God: The nutter who lives down the road, The one with the big ostentatious golden gates .. ..

God's Mum: Your mean St Peter, dear? What about him, dear.

God: A couple of Bishops turned up at his gates, wanted to join his staff. He doesn't like Bishops in general, thinks they're dishonest, and he was in a bad mood anyway.

God's Mum: So what did he do, dear?

God: Left 'em there and went to consult with the rest of his staff to check vacancies. When he came back they were gone.

God's Mum: No Bishops?

God: No gates.

>5 PinkSeeSaw:

God's Mum: It must have been tough for Noah with all that fodder to stow and all the mucking out to do, dear. Then there was exercising the animals and keeping them fit, dear.

God: Hmmm.

God's Mum: I don't see how he could have stopped the carnivores eating all the vegetarians, dear. And how did he collect them all in the first place, dear?

God: Hmmm.

God's Mum: How do you think he stopped all the beavers, termites and wood eating insects from eating his boat, dear? Not to mention the woodpeckers, dear. The crocodiles would have surely bitten his bum, dear. A nightmare for Mr & Mrs Noah and their daughter Yumus, dear.

God: Do you think you've given enough evidence now to prove that it is all another Bishop type bible fairy-tale? I'll put the kettle on .. .. ..

Laughter is the best medicine. 😎

On her blog (don't go there!) God's Mum is often asked why she picks on Bishops so much.

Good question. The sole intention here is to take the piss out of religion. Nothing more.

Take a good look at Bishops. If you are looking for something to ridicule, they are a gift, look no further.

Bishop's Qualifications:

1. Must like dressing up for the public.
   
2. Must like big hats and bright colours.
   
3. Must be impervious to irony.
   
4. Preferably fat.
   
5. Must be prepared to work a one-day week.
   
6. Be partial to wine and bickies.
   
7. Must be above the law with other Bishop's secrets.
   
8. Must covet an un-elected seat in The House of Lords.
   
9. Must be prepared to take years to acquire all of the above.
   
10. Probably blinkered, ergo, went to school in 17th Century.
    

God's Mum: So it's December again and the earthlings are looking forward to their Xmas celebrations, dear.

God: Good for them. Do they really believe Jesus was born in the straw? And his mother was a virgin?

God's Mum: I don't think so, dear. Mostly they just go along with the Bishops, the neighbours and the family, dear. I'm sure they enjoy the drinking and the chocolate too though, dear.

God: Yep. And it would spoil everything in the bible if Joseph owned up, wouldn't it?

God's Mum: You tend to call all the Holy-Joes Bishops, dear, but really they all have very confusing titles, dear, like:

Pope

Archbishop

Archdeacon

Bishop

Canon

Cardinal

Chaplain

Curate

Deacon

Dean

Father

Incumbent

Minister

Monsignor

Parson

Pastor

Priest

Primate

Rector

Reverend

Vicar, dear.

God: I don't care how they try to disguise themselves to confuse the congregation within their little churches. To me they are all Bishops, always have been, always will be.

God's Mum: There are lots more titles than those on this list, dear. The church doesn't want anything to be too easy to understand, dear.

God's Mum: What are you reading, dear?

God: I'm just on the latest Harry Potter story. I read 'em all, also all the reviews on LT.

God's Mum: That's nice, dear. Wise to absorb lots of YA reading before you grow up, dear. Are they good yarns, dear?

God: Very good. Let's put it this way; a thousand years from now some Bishops will get hold of it and the earthling Potterists will begin to persecute anyone who doesn't believe in it.

God's Mum: We'll still be here, dear. You'll be even more grown-up, dear. Strawberries and cream after supper this evening, dear.

God's Mum: You keep on laughing out loud, dear, what is it, dear?

God: I'm watching this man at the checkout in Walmart.

God's Mum: What's going on there, dear?

God: He's got four bottles of Jack Daniel's, three bottles of Booths gin, four bottles of brandy, four cartons of Fosters, six of Guinness and a packet of crisps.

God's Mum: Why's that so funny, dear?

God: He's just told the checkout girl he hates Xmas and if it weren't for the kids he wouldn't bother.

Laughter is the best medicine. 😎

And it came to pass ~ At the Donkey's Rest Inn, on the road to Bethlehem:

"Good evening, barmaid. A pint of your Archangel Gabriel Special, please. How about coming for a spin on my racing camel when you finish up tonight? There's a lovely bright star out there."

"No thank you, kind sir. (Sexy curtsy) We get quite a few wise-men-from-afar in here at this time of year. Cash or Herod's Bank card, sir?"

God's Mum: You are looking in a bit of a dream today, dear.

God: Sorry, Deep in thought. I am sceptical that it was Jesus who was born in the manger. So there was a baby in the hay? It could have been anybody. It could easily be mistaken identity. Who's word do we have for any of this? Who was there?

God's Mum: That's what the bible says occurred, dear. Jesus was born in the manger, dear.

God: That makes it very doubtful for a start. The bible also says that I once sprang out of a burning bush.

God's Mum: Let's go along with the earthlings, dear and agree the baby Jesus was born in a manger, dear.

God: OK, we'll just pretend to agree 'cos it's Xmas.

God's Mum: Thank you, dear. And the three wise men each brought him a gift, dear. There was Gold, Frankenstein, and Myrrh, dear.

God: Shouldn't that be frankincense ?

God's Mum: Should have been, dear, but they were having problems with the spellcheckers on their camel-phones, dear. It was early days don't forget, dear.

Laughter is the best medicine. 😎

And it came to pass ~ At the Donkey's Rest Inn, on the road to Bethlehem, the innkeepers, Mr and Mrs Snickers and their daughter Marylou, were not happy:

"Same thing every year. All the predictions are there, shepherds watching their flocks, Wise men on camels, Bright star in the sky. I order extra beer, more wine and nothing ever happens."

God's Mum: I see what you are doing, dear. You're peeking into The Donkey's Rest Inn at Bethlehem to see what really happens in The Big Event forecast by the earthling's ancient scriptures, dear.

God: Yes. I've been listening to the locals chatting in the bar there. An ancient myth they call "The Big Event" is due. It has been predicted at this time of year, every year, since time began.

God's Mum: What do they imagine is going to happen, dear?

God: Nobody has a clue. It's just a local superstition, this bunch are not the sharpest tools in the box, most of them think a myth is a female moth.

God's Mum: Good morning, dear. Scrambled eggs and toast for you, dear. How are things at the Inn getting along, dear?

God: Thank you. Things are not good in Bethlehem. I was listening to the innkeeper's wife, she told him: "Perhaps you're right. When your uncle Shylock sold us the lease, after he won all that money on the David and Goliath fight, he said something big was going to happen here."

God's Mum: So they are tired of waiting for the myth of Bethlehem to come true, dear?

God: Exactly. The innkeeper's reply was: "Well it's been ten years in the heat and the dust, miles from anywhere and still no "Big Event." I've had enough. The place goes up for sale. We'll move back into the main bedrooms today and if travellers turn up they'll have to stay in the stable or clear off."

I don't make this stuff up.

Every conversation posted here in God's Mum is a genuine overheard snippet passed on to me by a holy servant who mows God's Mum's grass.

Sworn on Cardinal Pell's Holy Bible. Oct 2018.
See: "Come home Cardinal Pell".
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Minchin

On rare occasions God's Mum comes in for criticism from deeply religious persons. If you feel offended, you will benefit from a study of TTPT.* This is explained inside the back cover of all God's Mum© publications.

* _{Taking the Piss Technique.}

God's Mum: Good morning, dear. Are you still watching the Donkey's Rest Inn at Bethlehem, dear? Anything interesting happened, dear?

God: Nothing regarding "The Big Event", but we did all have a laugh last night at the expense of the visiting Wise Man preaching in the bar.

God's Mum: I do hope you were not rude to the Wise Man, dear.

God: I was not involved. His sermon was ~ people should have faith in the ancient scriptures and not worry about the present. He said that almost everything that people worry about never happens. One of the locals shouted out, "So it works then?"

God's Mum: Pancakes for breakfast, dear. You look tired, dear.

God: Yep. I was up late in the bar at The Inn, listening to another Wise Man. He was telling us about ~ The God of Moses. He said .. .. that Moses said .. .. that this God told him (Moses) and he told Asher .. .. who told his wife .. .. who told Benjamin .. .. who told his wife .. .. who told this wise man .. .. that all males must be circumcised.

God's Mum: Ugh ! And this was a wise man, dear? Did all the locals agree with him, dear?

God: Well, the bar and the camel park were empty by then. So I just listened to the innkeeper and his wife complaining how poor business has been again this year. Then it was closing time. No mention of The Big Event. I'd love a cup of your coffee, please, mother.

God's Mum: I suppose you were in that bar ( Frown, hands on hips ) at the inn until all hours again last night, dear.

God: No mother, I was not. I spent my time with the shepherds as they watched their flocks by night all seated on the ground ~ and listened to their take on this so called Big Event.

God's Mum: That's interesting, dear. What did the shepherds say, dear?

God: Mostly, they are worried about the big star in the sky. They feel it is a bad omen, probably caused by all these new fangled roads the Romans are building everywhere. The roads are bringing in scores of visitors who are drinking all the beer and stealing all the best girls. The visitors are bringing their own cured bacon (which keeps well) so sheep sales are falling, something must be done. The shepherds say it is the beginning of global warming.

Laughter is the best medicine. 😎

And it came to pass ~ as the innkeeper of The Donkey's Rest Inn was repainting the sign in the camel-park, that read:

DO NOT LEAVE
VALUABLES IN
YOUR SADDLE BAGS

.. .. .. his wife was showing a couple in need of accommodation into the stable barn. The couple agreed to take it for two nights because they were exhausted from travelling with their donkey.

"I've made 'em as comfy as I can, fed 'em, and the donkey. Now they have all fallen asleep." she told her husband. "They have paid in advance. Nice couple. Up north accent."

God's Mum: Are you saying The Donkey's Rest Inn at Bethlehem is SOLD, dear?

God: Yes indeed. Three Kings Development Co' CEO came today with his surveyor and lawyer, all dressed in fine robes and riding on three very expensive camels. They measured up and have made an offer that satisfies the innkeepers. The contracts are all signed, the deed scrolls exchanged. Hand over in fourteen nights. (two weeks.)

God's Mum: But what about the baby, the manger, the virgin and the little donkey, dear?

God: Same old story, The Big Event prophesied by the earthling's ancient scriptures is not going to happen this year. Don't worry, mother, I'm sure some enterprising holy fiction-writer will seize the opportunity and bring it all to life someday. A typical holy fairy-tale five minuet wonder.

Laughter is the best medicine. 😎

And it came to pass ~ At the Donkey's Rest Inn on the road to Bethlehem:

"Mum, mum, come quick. The lady in the stable barn has had her baby. Ooooh it's LOVELY, all snuggley and warm. I've taken them some warm milk, she let me hold the baby for a while."

"But I didn't even see she was expecting. It's these baggy things all you youngsters are wearing these days. I've got a box of baby stuff here, I'll take it in to her, give me a hand, Marylou, and bring her some nice soup."

"That's it !! Those two are going to be fussing around the baby in the barn all day and I'll be stuck behind the bar, on my own, chasing my arse and trying to keep up. Typical."

"Yes sir, five pints of Jacob's Special Brew coming up, won't be a moment, sir. Just changing the cask, I've only got one pair of hands" .. .. ..

"What a blessing the long prophesied * big event * didn't happen this year. Can you imagine the chaos with those two turning up and having a baby right in the middle of it all?"

God's Mum: Lots of excitement at the Inn yesterday, dear. That's lovely, dear.

God: It certainly is. A lovely little new-born baby, very smiley and contented. Even the little donkey looks pleased. Everyone at the Inn is now coming up with names for the baby.

God's Mum: What names have been suggested so far, dear?

God: The landlord says either: Shadrach, Meshach or Abednego. But I like the barmaid, Marylou's choice best.

God's Mum: What name did she choose, dear?

God: Barny.

God's Mum: Good morning, dear. The new baby at the Inn, Bethlehem, had a bad night, dear. Crying, temperature, won't feed, everyone is very concerned, dear.

God: Is there a doctor there?

God's Mum: Only the shepherd's doctor, dear. He recommended the very latest cure-all treatment.

God: Don't tell me they let him give the baby camel-urine?

God's Mum: No, dear. Fortunately, the innkeeper's wife stepped in and forbade it. The women bathed the baby in warm water, an over-the-shoulder-back-rub and a small spoonful of magic every couple of hours, dear.

God: Wonderful, and how's the baby now?

God's Mum: Stable, dear.

Laughter is the best medicine. 😎

And it came to pass: ~ At the Donkey's Rest Inn on the road to Bethlehem, a carpenter was working on the new sign outside the inn, which read:

TAKE AWAY ~ FRESH
LOAVES & FISHES

"I hope that hammering won't wake the new baby."

"Not a chance, husband, they left at first light this morning while you were still snoring. I packed them some food and drink. They're well on their way now."

"Where are they going?"

"Didn't say. Lovely couple but very shy and quiet, never said much. I will miss them, so will Marylou."

God's Mum: It was lovely at the Inn at Bethlehem, the way those women cared for that sick little baby, dear. When the three of them were around the baby bath they all agreed she was the prettiest baby they had ever seen, dear.

God: Oh dear !

God's Mum: Yes, dear. And the three of them joined hands and promised it was their secret for ever and ever, dear.

God: I think that is wonderful. And I still think Barny is a lovely name for a girl.

God's Mum: Good morning, dear. Here, a cup of tea for you, dear.

God: Wonderful, thank you.

God's Mum: Let me just check if I've got this right, dear. The events we have just been following in Bethlehem for the last few days, dear. They are the basis of what defines the whole earthling's religion? In fact, the whole of their system of recording the passing of years, dear?

God: Hard to believe, isn't it? How could they have got it all so wrong? For 2022 years now.

God's Mum: But .. .. .. none of them were even THERE, dear.

Laughter is the best medicine. 😎

And it came to pass ~ Outside the Inn at Bethlehem:

"You there! Peasant chappie, innkeeper, whatever." (From the saddle of a very expensive camel) " I, a King of orient am. Where is the child in the manger?"

" What? Oh, the baby? Gone, days ago."

" Gone? Whithersoever?"

" Dunno, your Kingship"

" Dunno? In which Kingdom? .. .. .. Oh, I see. You do not know where. But .. .. .. we have travelled afar. Did they not leave a forwarding address? Did you not write it down?"

" Write it down? .. Write it down? .. This ain't Rome, your Kingship, this is Bethlehem. Around here you are famous if you know someone, who knows someone, who knows anybody who can "write it down," your Kingship."

==================================
Thank you for being with God's Mum all the way through December 2021.

A new topic: New Year .. .. .. Jan' 2022 (Here) takes over for the new year.

God's Mum looks forward to seeing you there .. ..