Bad Joke of the Day 16

An English man, a Spaniard, a Frenchman, and a German go to a club.
The guy on stage asks if they can see him.
They said: “Yes. Oui. Si. Ja.”

How do you get a farm girl to marry you?

Attract her.🚜

>2 2wonderY: Thank you. I need these silly jokes to distract (he left his tractor behind when he left the farm for the police force) my brother from a very complicated surgery he is recovering from in the hospital at the moment.

True thing:
I happen to be a member of the Nextdoor app.
On 01-Apr, a notable character there posted: Just saw the News release from NASA, that the Eclipse has been postponed from Monday, and moved to Tuesday… Please make and change your plans accordingly. Please pass on..This is important..

Many members appreciated the joke. Some actually thought it was true.

My reply: Due to budgetary constraints, the event is being downgraded from a total to a partial eclipse.
Hardly matters, as soon as the shadow crosses the border from Mexico, it'll likely be arrested.

I was watching the Australian version of Masterchef last night. One of the contestants made a lovely meringue and everybody cheered.

I thought, that's odd. Normally in Australia they boo meringue.

>5 AHS-Wolfy: That one should help MrsLee's brother rebound.

>5 AHS-Wolfy: LOL!

>5 AHS-Wolfy: & >6 humouress: We shall see if his pain meds let him work it out.

I have a friend who is on two simultaneous diets. He wasn't getting enough food on just one.

Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?

A: Pick a cod - any cod.

Q: What becomes of a baseball player when his eyesight fails?
A: He becomes an umpire.

>9 alco261: Nice!

Teacher: What is a millennium?
Johnny: It's about the same as a centenary, only it's got more legs.

>13 hfglen: LOL

>13 hfglen: HAhahahaha!

An antidote is a funny story you've heard before.

(Source: Rhodesia Railways Magazine, as for #13.)

I was offered a construction job in Egypt this morning.

Turned out to be a pyramid scheme.

>17 AHS-Wolfy: I'm going to use that.

"The biggest problems for traffic planners", says an expert, "are urban, suburban and bourbon drivers."

The Egyptians were great builders, up to a point.

A dragon would never explode, but a dino might.

I used to know a guy with one leg that worked in a brewery.

He was in charge of the hops

>22 AHS-Wolfy:
Where did his other leg work?

>23 pgmcc:
It was a SAHM (stay-at-home member).

>23 pgmcc: Very good. Let's see you crack on with this one ;)

Why don't the French eat two eggs.
Cos one egg is an oeuf

>25 AHS-Wolfy: *eyeroll* :)

>25 AHS-Wolfy: Ha! I'm passing that one on to someone who needs a laugh!

          

>28 weird_O:
Perfection, thank you.

>28 weird_O: Made my brother groan, for which I thank you.

>28 weird_O: 🤦‍♀️

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?

They are all too wrapped up in themselves.

What's the name of the girl standing between two goalposts?

Annette.

A deaf man walked into a Jazz Club. Everyone was immediately jealous of him….

well I happen to like Jazz. Now if it said Rap that would work

>34 rgurskey: >35 cindydavid4: General form of the joke: "A deaf man walked into a .... I like jazz and dislike rap also, so maybe a pub where a metal band is playing?

My father wore a hearing aid, and when we kids got too noisy he would ostentatiously turn it off.

I do the same thing, been known to do it at teacher meetings

>36 haydninvienna: my elderly father-in-law would pretend to shut his off, in the hopes of overhearing candid conversations among family who thought he couldn't hear what was being said. Sometimes he would then contribute a real zinger and surprise everyone; I always found that funny.

hee, good for him!

when I was finally diagnosed with HH at 16 ( I knew at 9 but no one believed me) the dr told my mon that be aware when I am concentrating on something like a book, she might not hear you callling her. I milked that for all it was worth

>39 cindydavid4: HH? What's that?

sorry, hard of hearing, as oppossed to Deaf

Thinks: I must remember that. It could be useful, true or not in my case (probably true :-) ). Muchly ta.

Hearing problems keeps you away from people. Are you still in SA? I suspect you can get hearing aids easily. do yourself a favor and get it checked out

>43 cindydavid4: Astonishing how small and how well hearing aids perform these days! Comparing my grandmother's, a colleague's, and most recently,a friend's -- amazing progress in technology!

Seen by the side of the road
“Road Work Ahead”

Me: I sure hope it does!

I remember my young students wearing those strapped to there chest...theyve come a long way baby with the cochlear implants

Rules for learning English

1. Their our know rules.

HAhaha!!!

You always remember your first love. I met her at a local petrol/gas* station where she worked.
After a two year relationship, she dumped me...I was devastated.
It was such an emotional and upsetting time. Even now, I can't drive past without filling up.

*delete as appropriate.

The part of your brain that decides what kind of sandwich you eat…

It’s the subconscious.

On Monday, we start Diarrhea awareness week.

Runs till Friday.

Two local newspapers did reviews of "A Tale of Two Cities".
It was the Bicester Times and it was the Worcester Times.

A photon checked into a hotel. The clerk asked if it had any luggage. The photon said, "No--I'm traveling light."

- Stephen King

At an archeological dig site in Stratford-upon-Avon they have unearthed a rare worn down pencil believed to have belonged to William Shakespeare. Experts are not sure if the pencil is 2B or not 2B.

>52 AHS-Wolfy: as a former resident of Bicester, I'm moved to wonder if the review was written by Alfred Bicester (who once wrote a story about Bertie Worcester).

>55 haydninvienna: Was he from Leicester?

Just read a book called Ghost in the Attic
By Hugo First.

>56 AHS-Wolfy: Nah, that was Fester Bester-Tester.

Do you know why sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes? It’s because they often interrupt a period and lead to contractions.

>58 2wonderY: LOL

>58 2wonderY: ROTFL

The medical people who do circumcision say the job is tedious and low paying but you get to keep the tips.

oy vey

Yesterday I ate a clock. It was very time consuming, especially when I went back for seconds

>63 cindydavid4: ha yes! I like this one.

They went to dig up Beethoven's grave and opened the coffin. They found him furiously ripping all his symphonies to shreds, paper scattered everywhere. They asked what the heck he was doing.

"Decomposing" he said.

>65 AHS-Wolfy: 🤣🤣🤣

>65 AHS-Wolfy: oldie but goodie

Most bald people still own a comb.

They just cannot part with it.

>68 rgurskey: I like it!

A bank robber walks into a bank with a gun, goes up to the teller and says, "Put all your money in this bag or you're geography!"

The bank teller says, "don't you mean history?"

And the bank robber says, "Hey! don't try to change the subject!"

>70 AHS-Wolfy: 😂

Not actually a joke. In the northern part of Austin, there's a strip of land maybe a half mile or longer running along I-35 between two major roads. In this space, there are several clusters of strip malls along the back side of it and in some areas, there are smaller strip malls and stand-alone stores closer to the frontage road. I rarely have a reason to do any business there. But I was there today; took my time driving through, looking for a place that might sell a particular size, style, and color blackout curtains to match a set I already have in my living room. No luck to that end, but I dud a double take at one establishment I came across.

With my extreme dietary limitations, the only foreign food places I go to are Outback, China Palace, one specific taco shop, and a pizza shop that understands my issue. So, I've never tried Nigerian food; probably never will. But I'm certain that the vast majority of the population of the Austin are will take a pass at this particular Nigerian restaurant. It has the mouthwatering name of: Palatable.

- “What are your dogs names?”

- “Calvin and Klein.”

- “But isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

- “Exactly. They’re boxers.”

>73 2wonderY:

- “Mine are Rolex and Timex. They’re watch dogs.”

>73 2wonderY:

Name three famous boxers.

"Hanes, Jockey, and Fruit of the Loom."

3 in a row, not bad!

Sorry to break the chain, but saw this on a T-shirt at the shops just now:

My wife gives me sound advice.
99% sound
1% advice.

>77 haydninvienna: *groan*

Star Wars question:
Why did the movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

In charge of scheduling I was.

>79 2wonderY: Oh. 😂

An ancient Greek walks into a tailor's shop with a pair of torn pants.
"Euripides?" says the tailor.
"Yeah, Eumenides," replies the man.

>79 2wonderY: That even got my stoic son to laugh.

>81 rgurskey: :D

I was sitting here eating lunch when I realized cottage cheese is not in reality a cheese.....

.......it just a curd to me

Then there was the guy who was desperate to get into the library but couldn't because they were booked.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The wedding wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent!

>86 2wonderY: 😆

I made a joke today without knowing it.

Had been picking figs down in my yard and got covered in burrs, so at the back door I took off my shoes, socks and shorts before I came in the house. Later, Mark said, "Were you outside in only your underwear earlier?"

I answered, "For a brief moment."

Hahaha!

I had to do that once too. I had to inspect a vacant house that was absolutely polluted with fleas.
Thankfully, my back porch only backed to a commercial greenhouse, and I never saw staff in that section. Plus my porch was draped with grapevines.

>88 MrsLee: LOL!! Serendipitous humor is the best humor.

>88 MrsLee: Hilarious :D

>88 MrsLee:
😂😂😂

ha!

It might work on paper, but this lady hits it perfectly:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C-Avv0cJoKX/?igsh=MXI0eTFoYTVmMWU0cw==

What do you call friends you like to eat with?

Taste buds.

>95 2wonderY: 😆

What do you call a one-legged hippopotamus?

A hoppo

>95 2wonderY:, I used that joke at the end of a group zoom meeting today. There were loud groans and one person who said, "I think this meeting is 20 seconds too long." :-)

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

…….
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

🤣

>99 2wonderY: That's setting the bar ... halfway?

My kids put together a Power Point presentation explaining why we should go to the water park.

It has several slides.

I bought some ornamental fish for my pond. Every time I came near they would hide in the reeds.

Turns out they were coy carp.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, "Is this stool taken?"

>105 Jim53: Yecch ...

The older I get, the more I regret all the people I’ve lost over the years.

Maybe being a trail guide wasn’t such a great idea after all.

True story. Good thing my sisters have the same low-brow sense of humor I have....

Bought birthday cards for sisters (birthdays on consecutive days, though nine years apart). The card for younger sister had a picture of a mountain lion wearing a party hat (badly Photoshopped, IMO), and the text read "Please, no more corny birthday jokes. You're gonna make me puma pants".

Inspired by @Jim53's dung beetle line.

>108 Hammy_JLK: 🤣

Today an older woman with a seeing-eye dog got onto my bus. Seeing that there were no unoccupied seats, I offered her mine. In retrospect, this was a bad idea: later that same day I was fired from my job as a bus driver.

How do you make a body magically disappear from the morgue?

Abracadaver

I went to the theatre last night but had to leave after Act I.

The programme said 'Act II - one year later', and I wasn't prepared to wait that long.

>112 AHS-Wolfy: :) Amelia Bedelia logic.

I was sitting in traffic the other day, guess thats why I got run over

Did you know?

Zombies and mummies are the same monsters; they just come from different socioeconomic backgrounds.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him.

>116 TorMented: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.

Hopless

they're just rabbiting on now.

I finished a jigsaw puzzle after about two weeks of work. I thought that was pretty impressive, since the box said 3-5 years.

>120 Jim53: Ha!

>120 Jim53: That made me laugh.

>120 Jim53: 🤣

From Ruth Buzzi on Twitter:

The weather guy who figured out wind chill died.

He was 86 but felt like 75.

Villain: Why is my calendar wrapped in aluminum ?

New superhero: I foiled your plans!

>125 2wonderY: I guess you could say the hero was cer-tin it would work...

Then there was this guy who wanted to trade a deer for fireworks.
He wanted to get the most bang for his buck.

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out, man.

>128 TorMented: **howl!**

>127 hfglen: Perfect to send to my brother, who is hunting deer right now with his grandson.

The deer have his grandson? Lucky that he has a particular set of skills.

>131 MrAndrew: Sounds like a kidnap. That will mean big bucks, it will cost him deer.

A photon checks into a hotel room after traveling across the galaxy.

Bellhop:
"Do you need help with your luggage sir?
Photon:
"No thanks. I am traveling light."

A Roman walks in to a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.”

The bartender says “you mean a martini?”

The Roman replies “no, if I wanted a double I would have asked for one.”

Why don't oysters donate to charity?

Because they are shellfish.

>135 rgurskey: Thumbs up 🤣

Eating too much cake is a sin, namely gluttony. However, eating too much pie is perfectly fine, because the sin of pi is always zero.

>137 Hammy_JLK: 😆😆😆

>137 Hammy_JLK: *giggle*

Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.

>137 Hammy_JLK: So overeating pie is piety?

If more than one mouse is mice, and more than one louse is lice, then what is more than one spouse?

>142 TorMented: Double Trouble?

“For the plural of “spouse”, it is “spice”.

depending on the marriage- of course it is

>142 TorMented: & >144 haydninvienna: So that's where the saying variety is the spice of life comes from

Cow farts come from the dairy air.

>147 rgurskey: That's a rear joke.

Q: Why is 9 afraid of 3?
A: Because he's squared of him....

I did another unintended pun today in a text. Had to take a square of cannabis chocolate tonight because I'm having joint pain.

>150 MrsLee:
lol

>150 MrsLee: there's something there about squares and pain being french for bread, but i'm not up to it this morning. Perhaps if i had some happy chocolate...

>152 MrAndrew: I can see that, but my French is not up to it.

I have a tendency to indulge in self-depreciation but, unfortunately, I'm not very good at it.

>154 alco261: yup, thats me

Seen on a shirt worn by a gardener:

“I soiled my plants.”

In the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint.
It is believed both crews have been marooned.

>157 rgurskey: OMG 🤣

I’m on a train that has been standing in the middle of the fields for a while. The driver eventually comes on the intercom.

Driver: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the engine of the train has stopped, and I cannot get it restarted. The good news is that you’re not on an airplane.”

Joke from my five year old nephew: "Do you know what a mountain poops? Answer: Lava

My response: I bet a mountain has a lava poop.

>160 MrsLee: 😆

The scariest part of the Steppenwolf song "Born To Be Wild" is when they find a head out on the highway...

>162 Darth-Heather: LOLROTFL thanks for my first morning smile

Life advice:

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.

>164 2wonderY: Shared with my clown-phobic son. Thank you.

What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One of them is an elephant

So, I came across a homeless person the other day, begging on a street corner. Being in a giving mood, I offered him a choice between $10, or a giant sandwich. The guy looked at the money, then the sandwich, the money again and the sandwich again.... Then all of a sudden he screamed, and ran off. I was stunned for a moment but then suddenly realized...

Beggars can't be choosers.

I tripped up over a box of Kleenex and had to go to hospital for x-rays.

Fortunately it was just soft tissue damage.

>169 AHS-Wolfy: 😂

A woman was seen on the motorway (freeway), driving and knitting at the same time.

The police drove alongside her and yelled "pull over!".

She shouted back, "no, it's a cardigan"

"I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case."

A man got a hotel bill, 100 for daycare, but I didn't use it he protested, the clerk says ok but it was available to you. Same goes for surfing, magic show and a guided tour. Ok the man says, you owe me 2000 for sleeping with my wife! The clerk says "I never slept with your wife!" OK, but she was available says the man

>173 rgurskey: That is painfully relevant to my current stay in a hotel, only neither I nor my husband are available. :D

hmmm 2000 smackers tho...

This came up today on my FB Memories and I thought I'd share it....

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself! this is going to hurt !! !! !
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Rude, interrupting cow.
Rude int ...
MOOOOOO!

>177 TorMented: how a-moo-sing!

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

Husband found that on a website. I thought it appropriate to this group.

>179 MrsLee: After some of the stuff I've posted here I think that's fairy nough.

I swallowed a bunch of synonyms yesterday. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

A dragon would never explode.
.
.
.
.
A Dino might.

A frog hopped into a bank and went to the loan manager, Paddi Whack, to apply for one. As collateral the frog offered up what appeared to be a rather cheap trinket. Not wanting to outright deny the loan request Paddi went to the bank manager to ask her opinion. She looked at the trinket and said, It's a knick-knack Paddi Whack, give the frog a loan."

>183 alco261: I'd heard a slightly longer version of this:

A frog hopped into a bank and went to the loan manager, Paddi Whack, to apply for one. As collateral the frog offered up what appeared to be a rather cheap trinket. When asked why it was valuable, he said, "Well, it belonged to my dad, Mick Jagger." Not wanting to outright deny the loan request Paddi went to the bank manager to ask her opinion. She looked at the trinket and said, "It's a knick-knack Paddi Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

>184 foggidawn: - my guess is yours is a later version - the one I know dates from my time in grade school in the 1950's :-)

A man walks into a bar.
Laugh. Please.

>185 alco261: Makes sense.

Did you know that if you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock?

>188 2wonderY: That is a souped up joke!

My hearing's go sp bad that the only films I’ve seen at the cinema are Das Boot, The Hunt for Red October and U571.

I only go for the subtitles.

My neighbors door hasn’t gotten fixed up in over twenty years.
Today, he decided to just dump it in the creeeeeeeekk!

teehee baka! u guys r so funny(✿^‿^)

>190 AHS-Wolfy: Like 'Run Silent, Run Deep'

>193 rgurskey: I'll have to 'Up Periscope' to check that one out.

A friend of mine has got a new business managing libraries in the prison system. It's been a difficult start but he told me there’s lots of prose and cons.

I asked the guy serving me about his day, and it turns out we had similar interests. He said he was Greek, and some of his ancestors were actually pretty famous in their time. As he laid the hot, salty fries in front of me I took a good bite. It ended up tasting awful, and he took it back to throw it away. He apologized, “Sorry, we must’ve used some pretty ancient greece to fry them.”

A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

My neighbour had a delivery of flowers today but she found that all the heads had been cut off...

I think she's being stalked.

My dog hasn’t been doing too well lately. Apparently he was vulnerable to some pretty nasty sicknesses in new yorkie.

A rope walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "woah, we don’t serve your kind here."
The rope goes back outside and ties a knot in himself to look like a head and frays the end to make it look like hair and goes back in.

The bartender squints and asks “You wouldn’t happen to be that rope from earlier would you?”

The rope says “Nope. I’m a frayed knot.”

What do you call a woman who is very bad at drawing?

Tracey.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.

70% of the Earth is water. And virtually none of it is carbonated.

So, is the Earth actually … flat?

>203 2wonderY: Now you've done it!

Most people don’t realize Argentina is so cold.

It’s bordering on Chile.

I've been elected president of my tourette's support group. Just about to get sworn in.

A bit after the fact, but there's a restaurant in my area that has a portable marquee out by the street. The sign read:
Happy Thanksgiving! Don't forget to set your scales back ten pounds this weekend.

>207 WholeHouseLibrary: 😆

>207 WholeHouseLibrary: Noted. I might do that again around Christmas.

Just came across one of the worst literary jokes I've ever seen and immediately thought of reposting it here:

Harry Potter can't tell the difference between where he mixes his potions and his best friend.

They're both cauldron

Sorry!

Not all construction work is equally interesting.
For example, while enlarging a drilled hole is boring, fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.

:D

>210 AHS-Wolfy: I actually like that one!

>211 Darth-Heather: :o)

These puns are becoming too good to be posted in the bad joke thread. :-)

>210 AHS-Wolfy: This is a very good one! I think we need a great joke thread :)

>212 clamairy: Nice :D

>213 pgmcc: that, in itself, is a pretty bad joke. The bad joke group will live on forever!!

I saw someone wearing a T-shirt in a hardware store. It had a drawing of a hammer, and the logo said "This is not a drill."

>217 TorMented: :D

"What did you call this thing?"
"It's an elevator."
"No, no, it's called a lift!"
"I guess we were raised differently."

I'm baking bread tomorrow. Asked my husband if I could make a rye loaf. He said, "It doesn't matter to me, make a sardonic loaf if you want."

>220 MrsLee: 😆🤣

>219 Jim53: An American mentions the elevator.
An Englishman says "you mean the lift?"
The American says: "I should know what it's called. Someone in America invented the elevator."
The Englishman says: "I should know what it's called. Someone in England invented the language."

>220 MrsLee:
It must be our shared postal gene, but when I read ‘…make a rye bread…” I thought the same as your husband before reading the rest of the sentence. I like the way your husband thinks.

>223 pgmcc: I like his thinking too, and yes, I think the atmosphere of the post office may have encouraged it, although having met his co-workers I will say that he is a special breed, as you are, I'm sure. :)

Not funny. Didn't laugh.

My husband is on a roll. He was looking at the dough and said, "It's not a little rye, it's just aloof."

He is a punster, born and bread.

>227 TorMented: :D

Booring!

>225 OnesAlt: Perhaps you didn’t understand it. Look up the definition of the homonym “wry” and read the joke again.😁

How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?
Nothing; it's on the house.

>231 Jim53: Nice, I sent that one to my brother, Jim.

>231 Jim53: :D :D

Waiter: Today there’s badger soup, followed by roast badger and then badger mousse.
Me: Isn’t there anything other than badger?
Waiter: No, sir, it’s a sett menu.

>234 AHS-Wolfy: Oh! 💔

Met a microbiologist once.

They’re a lot bigger than I’d imagined.

>236 2wonderY: *snort*

Better Half reports a picture, evidently taken in the Kruger Park, doing the rounds on social media. It's a temporary sign reading
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
The note on the original post expresses surprise that elephants can drive.

>238 hfglen: We have signs on some roads here saying “Koalas cross here at night”. Some of my relatives. have been known to be surprised that koalas can read the signs.

>239 haydninvienna:
What’s worse is that the ones that can’t read cross during the day.

I don't know if an entire elephant could fit in the car. But an elephant could fit in the trunk.

>239 haydninvienna: I can't offer you a koala, so here's a zebra crossing

>179 MrsLee: ha!

>222 TorMented: HA!

>242 hfglen: Or several zebra crossings.

>238 hfglen: Elephants have cars with lots of trunk space.

>238 hfglen: Husband can't get over people apparently labelling their kids:

SLOW CHILDREN

>247 margd: Or how about that ubiquitous protester you see standing on the side of the road, particularly in the summer: END ROAD WORK

I heard a terrible joke from my daughter.

Q. What do you call an elephant that does not matter?

A. Irrelephant.

How do you get four elephants into a Mini Cooper?

Two in the front, two in the back.

How can you tell there are eight elephants in church?

There are two empty Mini Coopers outside.

Why is the letter E the only letter of the alphabet to receive a gift from Santa Claus?

All the other letters are not-E

Nice one!

The jokes that Mrs H and I found in our Christmas crackers:

Q. Why did the turkey refuse dessert?
A. It was stuffed.

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A. A Christmas quacker.

How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not much; they’re pretty light.

I decided that communist jokes are only funny when everybody gets it.

>255 2wonderY:
LOL!

Red humour!

I was gonna tell it sooner, but I was Stalin.

Someone comes into a music store. “Hello, I'd like to buy this trumpet and this accordion.”

“You can take the fire extinguisher for all I care. But the radiator stays here!”

Why are mathematicians so out of shape?

Because they keep leaving exercises to the reader.

If you do not pay the exorcist, will you be repossessed?

>260 rgurskey: 😆😆😆

I love board games. My favorite one is where people put meat and cheese on a board.
Maybe some fruit and crackers.
I'm so good at that one.

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and headed to the bathroom.
On his way back to bed, he passed by his parents' room and noticed the blankets moving rhythmically. His curiosity got the better of him.
“Dad, what are you doing?” he asked through the door.
His dad replied, “Playing cards.”
Still puzzled, Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?”
“Your mom,” his dad answered casually.
Satisfied with the response, Johnny continued down the hall. As he passed his older sister’s room, he noticed her blankets moving as well.
“Hey, Sis, what are you doing?” he asked.
“I’m playing cards,” she replied.
“Who’s your partner?” Johnny asked again.
“My boyfriend,” she said with a giggle.
Later that night, Johnny’s dad got up to use the bathroom. As he walked past Johnny’s room, he noticed the blankets moving there, too.
“Johnny, what are you doing?” his dad asked, trying to stifle a laugh.
“Playing cards,” Johnny said confidently.
Amused, his dad asked, “Really? Who’s your partner?”
Grinning mischievously, Johnny replied, “You don’t need a partner when you’ve got a good hand!”

>263 rastaphrog: That's a good one.

Every single person who confuses correlation and causation ends up dying.

The first rule of “Condescending Club” is kinda complex; and I’m not sure you’d understand it if I explained.

>265 2wonderY: "Every single person who confuses correlation and causation ends up dying."
I like that. And so true.

If long-distance runners get athlete's foot, do gardeners get mistle toes?

>268 hfglen: 🤣

or....if you nose runs and your feet smell are you built upside down?

Koi always travel in groups of four. If attacked, the A, B, and C koi will swim away.

The fourth Koi is the D Koi.

Q: What happens to skunks that lose their main defence mechanism?
A: They go ex-stinked.

Two weeks ago, I was cooking, and I took a bottle off the spice rack. I realized I was out of thyme.
I started singing a Rolling Stones song. I bet you can guess which one.

"Salt of the Earth?"
But you were cooking, so maybe it was "Playing with Fire."

bzzzzt. Hint: It's about thyme.

Nah! That was a TV show back in the sixties, not a Stones tune.

>273 TorMented: This will be the last thyme .... I'm going to read this.... But it's all over now.

>276 WholeHouseLibrary: I vaguely remember that. It featured the great Imogene Coca.

Cooking tip: If you spill this spice on yourself, you can sing "Thyme Is On My Side."

>278 TorMented: You are correct, sir.

>272 hfglen: nice:)

I made a chicken salad yesterday. It turns out they would rather eat grain instead.

What did Tennessee?

Same thing Arkansas.

Q:Why did the elephant paint his toes red, green, yellow and brown?
A: So he could hide among the M&Ms

"Dogs Playing Poker" is a commonly-seen picture (usually painted on black velvet?). One that you won't see is "Cows Playing Poker"; I've often wondered why that's true. A friend finally explained it to me - cows are banned from card games, and it's because they're too serious and cutthroat about them.

Very high steaks.

Motto for Vultures:

Keep calm and carrion!

🤣🤣🤣

The old anthropologist Throstle
Found a most unusual fossil
He could tell by the bend
And the nob at the end
Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle

>284 modalursine: Ha!

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephant?
A: Hello Elephot
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephant with sunglases?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize him.

Q:Why was the Shah's telephone bill so high?
A: He always called Persian to Persion.

Seagulls fly over the sea. What type of gull flies over the bay?

There's a hole in your logic, old chum.

>293 TorMented: Bagels!

An Ancient Greek walks into a tailor shop with a torn pair of pants.

“Euripides?” Asks the tailor.

“Yeah. Eumenides?”

No pun is mature unitl it's fully groan.

Dickens: It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.

Schrödinger: Nice. Nice.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter?
A five-ton sandwich that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

... and a jar of peanut butter that never forgets.

I decided today to create a graph to review all my past relationships.

It had an ex axis and a why axis....

>301 Hammy_JLK:

You need a z-axis, and then you'll have love on a three way street.

Set in a bar, guy and gal doing the "dance"

Gal: I'm every letter of the alphabet except one

Guy: What do you mean?

Gal: I'm not E.....

What happens when a microscope runs into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.

that was very clever!

Q:What do you get if cross and Ayatolah with a know-it-all?

A: An I a-told-ya so!

Q: Why do chickens make just one sound?

A: Because they can't think outside the "bawks."

What kind of cheese would you use to hide a horse?

Mascarpone.

(Blame chef Nigel Ward on Adam Liaw's show "The Cook-Up)

Old Lady in Soviet Russia walks by a news kiosk every day, glances at the paper, walks away.
Does that every day for years.
One day the Kiosk vendor stops here, says "How come you always just glance at the paper and never really but or read one?"
Lady says: "I'm looking for an obituary "
Vendor: "Silly cow! Obits are on the inside of the back page"
Lady: Not this one.

>308 haydninvienna: Oh …. mask a pony. Got it now. It took me a while.

i dont. give a hint pls?

>311 cindydavid4: See >310 humouress: .
When Ward delivered that joke he was making tiramisu, which has mascarpone in it.

>312 haydninvienna: ah it helps to know the language! thanks for that

I dreamt I was reading the dictionary in bed last night but then I got up to P.

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't. You get down from a goose.

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?

Sea kelp!

A Horse walks into a Bar...

Bartender says, "Hey!"
Horse says, "Sure"

>316 AHS-Wolfy: You win the internet. That's the best bad joke for a good while.

Knock Knock
Who's there
Formaldehyde
Formaldehyde who?
Formaldehiden places came the enemy.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ah
Ah, who?
🎶Werewolves of London🎶

>320 ScoLgo: made me lol

>320 ScoLgo: 💖

>320 ScoLgo: that was a good one! This one isn't...

My house is haunted by a chicken.
A poultrygeist.
A fowl spirit.
I will have to call an eggsorcist to help it cross to the other side.

I'm sorry. You all didn't deserve that one.

>323 Darth-Heather: I’m all of a sudden bombarded with chicken stories!

I actually witnessed a chicken crossing the road in front of me yesterday!

Is the universe trying to tell me something?

>324 2wonderY: I have the same feeling; the other day while at a red light at a fairly busy junction I saw a chick try to cross the road but was corralled back to safety by mama hen while the rooster kept guard. Fortunately they were all back in the undergrowth before the light changed to green.

Something fowl is afoot.

>318 haydninvienna: I have worse. For example:

If you overturn a canoe you can wear it as a hat

Because it’s cap sized

>326 AHS-Wolfy: That drew a look of deepest disdain from Mrs H.

I was going to post a time-traveling joke but you guys didn't get it.

Edit: Double-post

Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind, but they're a solid #2.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his fly.
The bartender says, "Say, Mr. Pirate, there is a steering wheel coming out of your fly."
The pirate says, "Aye, and it's driving me nuts."

When your imaginary friends greet you ... it's called a hellocination.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
.
.
.
Tentickles :D

>333 margd: a classic but a goodie!

I renamed my toilet Jim, instead of John.

Now people are so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim every day.

>335 2wonderY: Hahahahahahha!

I spend hours there every time I go. Sure do wish I could cut down on the paperwork!

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

You phone them up and say you can't come*

*Spoiler tagged as it's a bit rude.

"It's a general rule,
Though your zeal it may quench,
If the Family Fool
Tells a joke that's too French,
Half-a-crown is stopped out of his wages! "

I’m reading a book on anti-gravity…

It’s hard to put down.

My boss said to me, You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?
I said: I'm not sure. It's hard to keep track.

Q: What do you get if you cross an Ayatola with a know it all ?
A: An Ayatol-ya-so

What do you call a bunny in a kilt?
A hopscotch.

>343 margd: Awww....nothing cuter!

But
Q: What's purple and conquers the world?
A: Alexander the Grape!

OMG, I didn't know this one was in there, but now that I can't un-remember it, I'll torture you-all with too.
Enjoy!

Q:What's red and white on the outside, and grey on the inside?
A: A can of Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

Did the group Styx ever go on tour with the Rolling Stones?
Because that would be the Styx and Stones tour.

When Farrah Fawcett marries Louis Leakey, are they the Leakey-Fawcets?

Did Tina Turner ever tour with Argent?
Because that would be the Argent Tina tour.

Did The Doors ever tour with Stevie Nicks?
Because that would be the Stevie Doors tour.

Cream tours with Vanilla Ice. It's the Vanilla Ice Cream tour.

Practice safe eating. Always use a condiment.

>351 hfglen: *snort*

>353 ScoLgo: I'm afraid you'll have to explain this one to me.

>354 rgurskey: Hint: What is the name of the actress in the photo?

>355 ScoLgo: OK, so what IS the name the person in the photo?

Lisa Kudrow

A****a -- land of milk and honey (bring own cows and bees)

It's really not fair. I write one pun about constipation and I get blocked.

Sent my hearing aids off to be repaired six months ago. Haven’t heard a thing since.

my family is disappointed in my sisters Viagra addiction
grandmas really taking it hard...

A Facebook post by Merriam-Webster Dictionary;

Autocorrect has become our worst enema.

Tried calling the tinnitus helpline. No answer. It just kept ringing.

>363 rgurskey: Maybe they can't hear it?

When does a dad joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent!

>365 Rosie18: Ha!

Swimming with sharks sure is expensive. It cost me an arm and a leg!

Saw a guy walking down the street with a pack of cards wedged in his bum.

Turns out he was the local crack dealer.

How many storm troopers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they’re all on the dark side.

What is the name of the lumberjack on "Star Trek?"
DeForest.

Why didn’t the chef season his dish?

He ran out of thyme.

I have concocted a plan to print some of these jokes on slips of paper before next weekend's barbecue party, and make my friends pull them from a jar and read them aloud (either as an icebreaker or as a penalty for the losers of lawn games).

I went through these threads and selected ones that are best when spoken aloud, particularly this one courtesy of Jim:

Two whales walk into a bar. One walks up to the bartender and says, "WOOoooOOOooo... hUUUuuuummm... WOOoooWOOOooAAAAaaaaaa.... uuuUUUuuuOOOooo... eeEEEEEeeee... OooOOOooOWHUUuuuUuU... eeeEEEeeeAAAaaaAAA... uuuUUUuuuOOOoooOOO... MMMmmmmmwuuUUUuuu... HOOoooHOOAAAAaaaAA... oooOOOOooEEEeeeeEE... UUuuuUUUooOOOooo... mmmMMMmmmWOOoooWOO... ..."

And the other whale says "Go home, Frank. You're drunk."

>374 Darth-Heather: That would be a great one to have to read aloud! Fantastic plan for a party.

>374 Darth-Heather: If my experience along this line is any indication you should have a great time.

Many moons ago I did that very thing except it was a Halloween costume party and I went as an off color joke. I figured everyone has heard an off color joke but no one had ever seen one so it was up to me to make up my own costume. As part of the costume I ransacked a couple of Playboy Party Jokes books for jokes and then typed them out on slips of paper which I had hanging out of my front and back pockets.

When I got to the party and people saw my costume the first thing they asked was, "So where are the off color jokes?" I pointed to the slips of paper and before I knew it, everyone had grabbed at least one. It was only then that I got to thinking some of them might be TOO off color. Apparently it didn't matter and for the rest of the evening the jokes were literally passed around and time after time I would hear laughter and when I looked I could see someone had just finished reading one of them.

>376 alco261: That sounds lovely. I assume your underlying outfit was blue?

This whisky diet is brilliant - only been on it for a month, lost 5 days already...

Q:What do you call a boring old retired admiral?
A: A post-naval drip

My neighbour just bought a chameleon that cannot change colour.

It's a reptile dysfunction.

*****

Whether to gallop or to canter, that is Equestrian

Q:What's purple and conquers the world?
A: Alexander the Grape

Q: Why don't skeletons ever fight?
A: They ain't got the guts!

I keep singing the song "I'm a Believer," and my girlfriend is fed up with hearing it. She told me that if I sang it one more time, she was going to scream.
I thought she was joking.
But then I saw her face ...

Have you ever tried to catch fog? I tried but I mist.

>383 TorMented:
LOL

>384 Rosie18:
:-)

>383 TorMented: >384 Rosie18: 😆😆😆

Did you hear that the company that makes yardsticks won’t be making them any longer?

>387 2wonderY:
Groan!

I like it!

From S.A. Rail, September 1984:

"As a result of the SAA strike, anyone wishing to fly to Johannesburg this week will have to go by train."

Announcement over the PA system in the Metroblitz (fast train on the reef, now defunct):
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just covered the distance from Pretoria to Johannesburg (about 80 km by rail) in under 42 minutes."
Passenger: Wow, is that a record?
PA Voice: No, this is your driver speaking.

>389 hfglen: 😆

My granddaughter and I have been texting bad jokes to each other. This is what I sent her this week:

What do you call a typo on a tombstone?

A grave mistake.

>391 theretiredlibrarian: I'm going to send that one to my brother. We keep each other's spirits up with bad jokes. :D

What’s the number one use of cowhide?
.
.
.
.
.
.
It holds cows together.

Sombody has stolen my anti-depressants - I hope they're happy

It gets worse - I've just realised that they had it away with my thesaurus as well.
I can't describe how angry I am...

>394 AHS-Wolfy: 😆

A weasel walks into a bar. The bar man says “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

'Pop' goes the weasel

Then there was this elephant that tried to trace his ancestry. It was a mammoth task.

(by the way, do we need a new thread?)

>397 hfglen: 😆😆😆

>397 hfglen:
Glad to see you are exercising your Elephant Awareness in multiple threads. Keep up the good work.

When you find out that someone has 20,000 bees you marry them right away, because they are a keeper

A friend once showed me a bee that wasn't afraid to to rest in his hand. I took that opportunity to scrutinize his pupils, where I saw an image of the late MrsHouseLibrary. I can say with firm conviction that truly, beauty is in the eyes of the bee holder.

(Not a joke, by the way.)

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks ...
"Is this stool taken?"

(I know ... so, so bad. :D)

I got chased by a skeleton, but when it caught me, it just gave me a little kiss and a hug. Turns out it was an xoskeleton.

Cowboys would put a lantern on their saddle at night so they could find the trail when far from home. This is the earliest form of saddle light navigation known in history.

>404 AHS-Wolfy: Sharing. My brother and I still trade bad puns and get a kick out of it. We like to horse around.

Did you hear about the woman who dumped her boyfriend when she learned that he only had seven toes?

Apparently she's lack toes intolerant.

This past fourth of July, I hadn't bought fireworks in a long time so wasn't sure if I was getting good ones or not - until the salesman gave me a wink and high-foured me.

>406 foggidawn: & >407 ScoLgo: I'm sensing a theme here.