Bad Joke of the Day 17

We really do need a new thread.

So to start it off, I remind us all of the vegetarian cannibal, who only ate Swedes.

A dung beetle walked into a bar and asked:
Is this stool taken?

Q: How do you recognize a dogwood tree?

A: By its bark.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson went camping under the stars. Holmes woke up in the middle of the night and woke up Watson too. He said 'Watson, tell me what you see'.

Watson said 'Millions of stars.'

Holmes asked 'What does that mean Watson?'

Watson replied 'Well, if there are millions of stars that means there are probably other lifeforms out there and maybe even planets like Earth.'

Holmes said 'No Watson, you blithering idiot. It means that someone has stolen our tent.'

ETA: (provided by @firelion)

I’m really afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

>5 Rosie18: I agree that the calendar's days are numbered. In fact this is the last year they're going to make a 2025 calendar.

Only posting this to get this thread higher than the older one...

Just had a dealer try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from the Blarney Stone Ireland and kissed by St Patrick himself. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.

Obviously a sham rock.

>7 AHS-Wolfy:
Sounds like the dealer has kissed the Blarney stone

>7 AHS-Wolfy: You rock my boat.

>7 AHS-Wolfy: Did you roll him out the door?
Or was it a stoning offense? :)

What time do dentists go to sleep?
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.
.
.
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2:30

>11 humouress: I thought that was when they go to work!

How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?

Nothing, it’s on the house!

Apparently in England there is a village called Ugley, not far from another called Nasty. This gave a local journalist the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of announcing in large type on the weddings page

Nasty man marries Ugley woman

>15 hfglen: The geographical assertions at least are true — both places exist (according to Google Maps), and they are 15 km apart by road.

I am reading a book about adhesives and I cannot put it down.

Apple have said although their profits are down, their turnover is still good.

I walked into a screen door. Strained myself badly.

>19 TorMented:
That is grate!

>18 AHS-Wolfy: Apple profits are crumbling, huh?

>21 humouress: Their strategy seems a bit pie in the sky at the moment.

What do you call a typo on a tombstone?

A grave mistake.

(True story)

I saw a sign at a lumberyard that read "Fir Liberty and Justice Fir All".

My response? "Oaky, you've got a lotta balsa putting up a sign like that...."

What did the drummer name his twin daughters?

Anna1

Anna2

What is horses' favourite sport?

Stable tennis!

What sort of horses come out after dark?

Nightmares!

Someone drilled a peephole in the fence around a nudist camp.
Police are looking into it.

A Jewish man in his nineties goes to confession. He confesses to the priest that he is having relations with a woman in her twenties. The priest says, “But you are Jewish. Why are you telling me?”
The man says, “I’m telling everybody.”

Why are frogs always happy?

Because they eat what bugs them

There's an old army veteran living in the public toilets at my local park.

Apparently, he used to be a colonel, but now he's just a loo tenant.

>31 AHS-Wolfy: That is so very bad. Sharing with my brother.

>28 TorMented: reminds me of when we had a neighbor who used to tan topless. My wife was quite upset about it, but I was on the fence.

Johannesburg, ca. 1897:

"Yes", the old-timer held forth, "he erected it out of the blood, the ills and moans of men, out of the groans of little children, the cries of sorrowful and weeping women -- many of them widows."
"Of whom are you talking, Ike?", I asked, "a millionaire?"
"No", he replied, "a dentist."
"Tell me, Ikey", I asked, "have you seen Barney Gompertz lately?"
"Yes, poor fellow, when last I saw him he hadn't got a shirt to his back."
"Poor fellow!"
"Yes", continued Sonnenberg, shaking his head sadly, "he was bathing."

Reminiscences of Johannesburg and London by Louis Cohen

>34 hfglen: Reminds me of the humor style of W.C. Fields and Bob Hope.

My nephew and his girlfriend like to dress up as Adrian Balboa and Apollo Creed.
I think they're going through a rocky patch.

It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

>37 weird_O: This explains much (about my family).

All of the crows on the entire planet have lost the ability to communicate.

.
.
.
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Scientists are trying to find the caws.

Running into stationary objects can be painful, according to a recent pole.

@rgurskey 🤣

Friend: I think I have a bladder infection
Me: Urine trouble then.

I apologize for my clothes being wrinkly.

I am suffering from an iron deficiency.

I share a house with someone who doesn't pay rent.
He eats the food I buy and never helps with housework. In fact, he wants to spend the day either playing games or sleeping.
But I love that dog.

>44 TorMented: I love our retriever dearly though he sheds like crazy. He has a huge, bushy tail; the least he could do is sweep up after himself.

>45 humouress: Beautiful dog!
My Lab/hound/whatever mix has fairly short hair. So he sort of does stealth shedding. I don't think he's shedding a lot, and all of the sudden my carpet is covered in fur.

>46 TorMented: Thank you :0)

There's no stealth about Jasper's shedding. It's as though we have tumbleweed in the house. As for our 'black' carpet ... well.

>45 humouress: What a handsome boy Jasper is!

>48 Sakerfalcon: Thank you! He's always smiling ... um, when he's not sleeping.

Just been accused of plagiarism.

Their words, not mine

Just been accused of plagiarism.

Their words, not mine

>51 TorMented: LOL!

>51 TorMented: 🤣

>51 TorMented: Brilliant and original.

>54 Novak: Brilliant, yes. Original?

>55 humouress: Ever seen it before??

>56 Novak: Yes; at >50 AHS-Wolfy: 😉

Overheard at work today:

If Travis and Taylor ever break-up/divorce, her next album will be called "Travis-Tea" and will discuss the travesty of their relationship...

>58 gilroy: Look on the bright side. She’d get more songs out of a breakup than from a blandly happy marriage.

Don't worry about what other people think. They don't do it very often

>60 alco261: 👏😂

A small child is in the hospital tonight after swallowing six toy horses. Doctors describe his condition as stable.

>62 2wonderY: Better Half wants to know if he ran a galloping temperature.

>63 hfglen: Probably had a hoarse throat, at least.

A man has been shot with a starting pistol then beaten to death with a relay baton.

Police believe it may be a race related incident.

>65 AHS-Wolfy: But they have a few hurdles to finding the culprit.

>66 gilroy: A few laps to go still?

>67 humouress: Yeah, they're having trouble getting off the starting blocks.

As long as they stay in their lane they should be good.

Would be nice if this thread could stay on track.

Was recently asked how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

About half an hour was probably not the expected response.

>71 AHS-Wolfy: Living life in the fast lane are you?

>71 AHS-Wolfy: that reminds me of the definition of a football game -a game where it takes 4 quarters to finish a fifth.

How do you turn a duck into a blues singer?
Put it in a very hot sauna until its bill withers.

>74 TorMented: :snort: that's fantastic!

>74 TorMented: Not a lot of people know this, but the singer Bill Withers had a brother called Bear, who wrote telephone hold music.

Weirdly enough when I was growing up I used to say “I want to be an actress when I grow up”, the reply was, “sit in front of the fire until your Googie Withers:)

>76 AHS-Wolfy: I did not know that. So one wrote music you love to hear and the other wrote music you dread to hear.

>76 AHS-Wolfy: Bill Withers had a brother called Bear, who wrote telephone hold music.

That belongs on the bad jokes thread.

Yeah, I just realized it is a joke that flew over my head like a wither-billed duck.

>79 TorMented: That's ducked up.

Fowled up, too.

>78 humouress: It's why I posted it.

>79 TorMented: They say that if you have to explain a joke then it's not funny so I didn't. The other part of the post doesn't exactly fit me either. Although Googie Withers did have a few on-screen appearances later in life her career was mostly over before my time. I'm also male.

I went to a chiropractor yesterday to see if he could help with my back pain. When I got home, my voodoo doll was dead.

>83 Jim53: Nooooo, not the voodoo doll! 🤣🤣🤣

One for @pgmcc

Why do emperors have peacocks in their gardens?
Because elephants would trample the flowers.

>83 Jim53: I think maybe you should give up practicing voodoo.

>85 hfglen:
I love it.

Pro tip: Keep cake moist by eating it all at once.

>88 ScoLgo: Thought this was the jokes thread, not one for perfectly sensible recommendations. ;-)

>89 foggidawn: I thought the same thing 😁

You can have a single piece of cake if you eat the entire cake in one sitting...

What did the jalapeño say when it goy caught in a blizzard?
I'm a little chilli.

And then there was the hill farmer who had to rescue his sheep from a snowstorm. He took them to the icy ewe ward.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the squirrel it could be done.

>93 gilroy: We used to say possum. There were sure a lot of two-dimensional ones in central NC.

Why did the tofu cross the road?

To show it wasn't chicken.

>94 Jim53:
Nice one, Jim.

Why do melons have weddings?

Because they cantelope!

Someone asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet is.

It was a guess, but I was right.

Welcome to the book making club. Please, make yourself a tome.

>98 AHS-Wolfy: You bet.

My dream is to swim in an ocean of orange soda...

You could say it's my Fantasea.

>98 AHS-Wolfy: What a novel idea.

>98 AHS-Wolfy: Don't slouch, you'll hurt your spine.

It is reported that in 1859 when construction started on the first railway out of Cape Town started, somebody wrote a Letter to the Editor of a local newspaper, saying if up-country farmers loaded wild cattle at the railhead, would they be well-trained on arrival at Cape Town.

>103 hfglen:
Groan!
:-)

>103 hfglen: Sounds like those wild cattle were rail-roaded.

>100 ScoLgo: But it's very shallow, only nehi.

>103 hfglen: There'd be a spike in the cattle population too.

Wanna hear a joke about a sausage?

No, you really don't. It's the wurst.

(Husband) I'm feeling corny so going to sit with the colonels. Hope I can ear you from over here.
(Wife) I'm going to throw you from this trailer.
(Husband) oh, you're going to shuck me?

How do 39 mathematicians board a bus that only has 38 seats.

They carry the one.

What do you call a guy who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad?

A faux pa.

>111 Jim53:
That one is too good for this thread.

>112 pgmcc: Agreed 😆

The opposite of "pro" is "con."
So the opposite of progress is ...

>114 TorMented: 😆

>114 TorMented: that joke is so old I remember mu dad telling it to me laughed then and laughed now.. the more things change the more the stay the same

Got this one from a friend.

She said she was going to get line-art tattoos on her upper back. She also said she would let anyone who was sad or upset color them in, so it would make them feel better.

Why? Because sometimes, you just need a shoulder to crayon....

>117 Hammy_JLK: --groan--

that person still a friend? lol

>25 rgurskey: What did the other drummer call his triplets?

Anna1

Anna2

Anna1234!

Why did the Thanksgiving pie go to the dentist?
It needed a filling.

Which side of a turkey has more feathers?
The outside.

I had planned to go to the Lego store on Black Friday. But there were people lined up for blocks.

What do you call an American soldier who's fallen overboard?

An aquamarine.

>123 TorMented: HA hahahahhahha. My husband actually works at Lego and will be there on Friday and people will be lined up for blocks. not sure if i want to tell him that joke. maybe ill wait a few days

Do you know why writers are always cold.

They are surrounded by drafts.

It is with great sadness that I have to relate a few business closures after teh recent budget announcement.

A local bra manufacturer has gone bust
The submarine company has gone under
The manufacturer of food blenders is now in liquidation
A dog kennei has had to call in the retrievers
A company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded
Interflora is pruning its business
Dyno-rod has gone down the drain

The saddest one though is that the ice-cream van man was found dead covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. A note found with the body said that he couldn't take it anymore and was going to top himself.

The local aquarium business sleeps with the fishes.

The local seance business has given up the ghost.

The agriculture brokerage has bought the farm, the pail maker kicked the bucket, and the mortuary business is dead.

The military supluss store has tanked.

The mapmaker has folded up his shop.

Coming up with words for birthing

Sheep
Lambing

Horses
Foaling

Alpacas
Unpacking

You’ve got to be kidding!
No, that’s goats.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?.....Aretha Franklins

>134 alco261: You get my r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

What do I call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?
MINE!

What do you call a German who treats baldness?
Herr Doctor.

>136 TorMented:
I would say “Nacho Wreath!” 😝

I dropped a tub of margarine on my foot two weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can’t believe it’s not better…

>138 Yamanekotei: I like cheesy jokes.

>140 TorMented: I see you're just milking the dairy pun train.

I went to the library and asked for a book called “living with deafness”, they found it so I asked “is it signed?”, she said “no, you’ll have to read it”

What is a llama's favorite meal?
Llunch.

My biggest fear is being trapped in a small room with Santa...

I have Claustrophobia.

groan.....

>144 ScoLgo: 🤣🤦‍♀️

In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison.

Poisons I, II and III would kill you instantly.

Poison IV would just make you itch.

Painful.

The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no word to describe how angry I am.

Grocery store delivery driver just informed me that my two replacement products are some parsley and a haddock fillet.

I said this is neither the thyme nor the plaice.

>150 AHS-Wolfy: Mmm; something fishy there.

I watched "Alien Romulus," which has several dad jokes. I won't spoil them all, but here is my favorite.
"I don't understand cloning."
"That makes two of us."

What do you call a man who was attacked by a cat.

Claude.

Most people have heard of Karl Marx, but few know of his sister Onya, an Olympic runner.
Her name is still mentioned at the start of every race.

Before he bacame a civil rights activist Malcolm X changed his name from Malcolm Twitter.

I've played the guitar for years, so I thought it would be fun to learn piano. As it turns out, it's a hard instrument to pick up.

>156 foggidawn: That's heavy.

I've been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

>158 AHS-Wolfy: They're saying you're just in it for the doe?

>158 AHS-Wolfy: >159 foggidawn: Well, that is just stag-gering... <smh>

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

Friends of mine have organised a joint Chinese New Year and Burns Night celebration. They’re calling it Chinese Burns Night. I don’t want to go but they’ve twisted my arm

>162 AHS-Wolfy:
**snort**

What is the difference between a lawyer and a brave rooster?
A brave rooster clucks defiance.

I needed a password that was 8 characters long.

So I chose: snowwhiteandthesevendwarves

Went to an Indian restaurant last night and had the pelican curry. Food was okay but the bill was enormous.

>166 AHS-Wolfy: 😆

I have an addiction to brake fluid but it's okay, I can stop anytime.

>168 Jenni_Canuck: Bet you get a lot of mileage out of that one.

There was a big sale at the Lego store today.
People were lined up for blocks.

Lately I've been having angst-ridden thoughts about women that deliver babies. I think I'm having a midwife crisis.

I was so upset last night that I screamed into a colander. It didn't do any good. In fact, all I did was strain my voice.

Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.

It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

Before the invention of the modern crowbar, crows just drank at home.

(From my Baby Blues desk calendar):

What vegetable thrives indoors?

A couch potato.

>175 humouress:

What is its favorite day of the week?

Fryday.

I regularly take my dog on the London Underground, one day a fellow passenger gave him a crash course in how to play the trombone, he went from Barking to Tooting in half an hour.

Which science fiction writer gives you mercury from under the ground?

Hg Wells.

>178 GaryMcGath: 😆

I went into work early this morning and went around to all the workstations swapping the positions of the N and M keys on their keyboards.

Some might say I'm a monster, but others will say nomster.

I an laughimg.

>180 ScoLgo: 😆

Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees.

>183 rgurskey:
      

I asked a friend how she can tell a raven from a crow. The biggest difference seems to be that a raven has 17 pinion feathers, while a crow has 16. So the difference is a matter of a pinion.

>185 Jim53:
I love it.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
(Only a fraction of people will find this funny.)

>187 Yamanekotei: That could be divisive.

>187 Yamanekotei: >188 humouress: 🤣

You can count on it.

>189 Alexandra_book_life: I dunno... something is not adding up...

>190 ScoLgo: 🤣

I just heard Bilbo Baggins died from a Viagra overdose.

Turns out old Hobbits die hard.

I’ve recently switched from eating venison to eating pheasant.

Absolute game changer.

(Stolen from a post on Threads)

>193 pgmcc: 😂⚽🏓🏒?