Bad Joke of the Day 18

I opened a bag of frozen peas, and a few rolled onto the floor.
They were escapeas.

>1 margd:
A nice start to the thread.

>2 pgmcc: Who amongst us has not had escapeas? :D

>3 margd:
Correct. And there is always one that rolls under the fridge where you cannot get at it easily.

They were the ones with an antipodal personality trait.

If two US immigration enforcers agents have a child, is it an ICE ICE Baby?

When I was growing up, we were so poor, all my clothes came from army surplus store.

I was the only Japanese General in my class.

A bossy man walked into a bar and ordered everyone a round.

>8 foggidawn: 😂

I hired a handyman earlier today and gave him 6 things to do.

When I got back he only did 1, 3, and 5.

Turns out he only does odd jobs

What do you call a Polish man in space?
An astronaut.

>3 margd: Our dog. Every other dog loves veggies but ours takes after his masters (my sons).

>12 humouress: Yeah, those escapeas bounced once at most, when our old doggie was around! :)

This may make more sense if you've ever lived through a summer weekend near a British park, seaside or similar. The scene is the Hairy Bikers describing how to peel a tomato by dunking it in boiling water, then ice water, for a few seconds each.

"... and then the skin will come off easily, just like a builder's shirt when the sun comes out."

What goes “Dot dot croak, dot dash croak?”

Morse toad

>15 2wonderY: 😂

>15 2wonderY: *groan*

I saw some kids throwing Scrabble tiles at each other.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an I.

Today, a clown held the door open for me...

I thought to myself that was a nice jester.

>19 rgurskey: 🤣

Cyclops: How do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: Well... you need two i's

Cyclops: (puts pen down) My life is just a joke to you, isn't it Linda?

Went to see a band last night. The opener was called Spoiler Alert.

Their entire set consisted of cover songs of the next band on the bill.

I shouldn’t read at the table. I dropped my copy of “Remembrance of Things Past” into the dessert.
The Proust is in the pudding.

At the Great Magic Carpet Race, Aladdin was disqualified. He was caught using performance-enhancing rugs.

Many years ago the Portuguese immigration forms used in Mozambique included a question on where each traveller was born. Ahead of us at Machipanda (6 km from Umtali -- now Mutare) was a very aristocratic English family. A cry rang out across the car park
*puts on plummiest upper-class accent*
"Mater, wheah were you born?"
"Ceylon, deah"
"What on earth were you doing theah?"

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Examining the question anew:

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTSCAv8Tg/

The individual who invented autocorrect just died. The funnel will be help at 6PM tomato.

>27 alco261: :)

>27 alco261: I think he’ll go to he’ll.

>26 2wonderY: Excellent. Although a sad lack of privacy...

>30 jillmwo: No wonder it's up the wall.

Every now and then I wonder who Pete is and why people expect us to do something for his sake

My wife told me that sex is better on holiday.

Not the best postcard I've ever received.

>33 AHS-Wolfy:
LOL

>33 AHS-Wolfy: I told her not to send it . . . .