Healing of Memories

‘I forgive the girl and boy for what they’ve done. If I didn’t, the hate would eat away at me’: Esther Ghey on life after the murder of her daughter Brianna (Guardian)

an exploration of forgiveness and hope. Ghey not only examines her capacity to forgive, but also her capacity to be forgiven... She says that only by forgiving Brianna’s killers has she been able to move on with her own life. “It was important to forgive the girl and boy for what they’ve done because, if I didn’t forgive them, I would hold that hate in my heart and it would eat away at me. They’ve already taken Brianna away from me and I refuse to let them impact the rest of my life”...

I've been prompted to start this thread by this news article. The mother of a murdered teenager has not only forgiven the murderers but even become friends with one of their parents, and I'm particularly struck by the words ‘I forgive the girl and boy for what they’ve done. If I didn’t, the hate would eat away at me’. This seems to me to be at the heart of what has come to be known as "Healing of Memories". Here's a short reflection I wrote on the subject about 15 years ago:

The current international focus on justice is understandable in light of the terrible crimes against humanity which have taken place all over the world, not least in Sudan and Uganda. It aims to stop leaders from acting with impunity, and attempts to put the victims at the centre. To some extent it does, especially when restorative justice is emphasised rather than retributive justice. It is often linked to truth and reconciliation. However it also has a downside. "Justice" and "vengeance" can look very similar. When watching western news broadcasts, we often hear victims say, “I will never be at peace until the perpetrator of this crime is brought to justice". In other words, my future peace and happiness are in the hands of others; I have no control over my life; I am helpless and disempowered, a perpetual victim.

How can victims take control of their lives again, especially when they have no control over states, courts, tribunals, fighters and leaders? "Healing of Memories" has been developed by, amongst others, Fr Michael Lapsley, an Anglican priest who lost both his hands and one eye in a bomb attack due to his part in the South African anti-apartheid struggle. It's about remembering, the suffering being recognised, honouring the memory – and letting go. It doesn't depend on others, because it's about "me dealing with my stuff, me dealing with what I have in me because of the journey that I have travelled."

It's not always easy or comfortable. "God helped me," said Lapsley. "The safe space was prayer, love and support that gave me the room to, if you like, spiritually manoeuvre because I realised if I was full of hatred, bitterness, self pity, desire for revenge, that I would be a victim forever. They would have failed to kill the body, but they would have killed the soul and I would be permanently their prisoner." Some victims spend their entire life in that prison, not realising that only they have the power to release themselves.

One of the great leaders of South Africa, Chief Albert Lutuli, once said, "Those who think of themselves as victims eventually become the victimisers of others." The healing of memories breaks that chain of violence and victimisation.

Thank God for people like Michael Lapsley and Esther Ghey.

We are called to forgive. It's commanded, because we will take on the sin. I know a divorced couple where the husband abused the wife with mockery and belittling comments...now she does it to him. It's strange that the hardest person to forgive is oneself. We tend to continue to perpetuate our sin(s).

That's a great story and God will bless them for being humble.