Why Men Fake It: The Totally Unexpected Truth About Men and Sex

Here's the thing. At some point it occurred to me that knowing my gender really tells you jack shit about who I am. I mean, come on, roughly half the human population share that same gender. As far as enlightening personal identifiers go that's about as piss-poor as it gets.

I'm not the sort of person that says gender is a cultural invention, I just think it's the absolute least important part of who I am and pretty much irrelevant when it comes to getting to know others. We're all humans, all individuals. Rather than piling cultural biases on ourselves and others just let everyone be themselves, whoever they are.

That's where I'm coming from. And from this point of view Morgentaler's book vacillates from weak sauce gender politics to show more timid tolerance with a side of not-quite-pearl-clutching sex talk. Frankly it's embarrassing. I'm certainly no expert in any of these things but Morgentaler has a tendency to sound like a college freshman that just escaped from his small town conservative Christian upbringing and, coming home for Christmas, is gently and apologetically trying to explain to several elderly maiden aunts that men aren't actually DTF any woman any time and also this one guy in my writing class is gay and he seems really nice. Weak Sauce.

What Morgentaler does know a lot about is penises. You could almost, almost say this book was only about men by virtue of the fact that they're attached to the penises Morgentaler wants to tell us about. You see Morgentaler has made a career of helping men with penis troubles. And that's a noble profession. Sadly, once he dives into his most familiar topic the tone shifts from blushing naivete and the occasional accidentally horrifying gender politics to self-aggrandizing patient-patronizing penis savior. Seriously. Morgentaler's dramatizations of his doctor/patient interactions are absurd:

1. At one point an engineer supposedly asks Morgentaler if he'll be able to father children now that he's allowed his last nut to go necrotic.

2. Morgentaler coins the term "Low T" for low testosterone. He says he did this because apparently everyone, even his most educated patients, has trouble pronouncing "testosterone". He seems very proud of this and eagerly reports some other people have started using the term too!

3. In recounting a story of a married transman and transwoman that want to get pregnant some how neither realizes they would need to go off hormones. I'm pretty sure there isn't a single adult transitioned transperson that doesn't know that.

And then there are the truly horrifying moments. Early in the book Morgentaler recalls a man who couldn't have a sexual relationship with his wife. She just wasn't interested, instead she gave him permission to have other sexual partners. But oh no. Monogamy is the end all beat all so Morgentaler counsels the man to continue pressing sexual intercourse with his disinterested wife. Hey, that's coercive at best and marital rape at worst but goddam it's monogamous so mission accomplished. I mean, everyone knows the thing to do with a woman that doesn't want sex is to put a penis in her, that always fixes everything.

And then there's this gem which so perfectly demeans and diminishes men. It's actually a perfect parallel to the sub-human status women occupied for so long when being a wife was about serving a husband and making babies.

"It is difficult these days for a man to figure out what he brings to the party for the modern woman who appears to have everything: career, money, independence, friends. The one obvious thing he can provide is a hard penis. The good part is that it's true that women cannot supply this on their own. The scary part is that the hard penis can be a unreliable resource. Sometimes it's shy and doesn't want to come out and play. Sometimes it starts out all right and then disappears midact. And eventually with age and/or illness, in nearly all men the ability to 'provide' the hard penis fades away entirely."

Men! Women! Assorted persons with non-binary genders! Do you know want to know what you bring to the table? Yourself. A whole human being. So a woman can stand on her own, so what? You're not her dad. Be adults together. There's nothing wrong with bringing a hard dick to the table, but don't let anyone tell you that's the only thing you've got to offer, or even the most important thing. I don't care how many books they've written. show less

BOOK 29 - [Why Men Fake It] [[Abraham Morgentaler]]

It's taken awhile for me to get to writing this because I was touched by this book and am still thinking about it. When I taught gender identity development one of the things I focused on was how sexism hurts men. Most of us can see the obvious ways it hurts women, e.g. salaries, violence, etc. I wanted my students to see the cost that oppressing has on the oppressor so my focus was different. Men pay in terms of their health among other things, but mostly in their emotional development and in their relationships with their children and other loved ones. The U.S. culture, although certainly changing, still has so much of a gender split that many members of both genders are held captive show more by their expected behavior and live restricted lives. They are often unaware of that and of the effects it has on them. Some women still expect men to sweep them off their feet, seduce them, and perform like supermen. Of course they still expect it - that is still the pattern in most movies, books, music regardless of the fact it has changed somewhat. A large portion of this book is focused on what it is like to be the sweeper, that knight in shining armor.

Morgentaler clearly and in great detail illustrates the ability of men to fake it physically, meaning to fake orgasm and passion. He presents in depth knowledge on this topic, in which he is well versed. He is an associate clinical professor of urology at Harvard Med, experienced in both medical practice (25 years of it) and peer reviewed research. There is enough background here for the lay reader, for whom the book is written, if not the professional. As a former teacher of human sexuality, I wish I had had this information before I retired, and would like to have used the book as an undergraduate text. For example Morgentaler addresses the difference between orgasm and ejaculation, explaining the physical possibility of faking it.

In short, the why of faking it is to live up to the cultural model of the always available sexual male not so much as to fulfill a sense of ego but even more so to fulfill his duty as a husband and/or lover.

There is interesting information about how some of the empirical data is gathered, e.g. equipment for measuring erections, traditional methods of measuring testosterone levels, etc. Certainly the biological drive to reproduce is clear and is addressed. There is some mention of the female drive here also (altho not a mention of the English research that shows that women are more likely to have affairs when they are fertile, a little tidbit that I have always found interesting). There is excellent coverage of the broad effects of testosterone levels, specifically those not related to erections and specific sexual performance, which have lead to some doctors prescribing viagra and testosterone together. Dr. Morgentaler addresses the previous controversy of the misuse of testosterone supplements and possible links to cancer, which appear to have been disproven. He has done this by performing a meta-analysis of over 200 medical articles.

The use of viagra in the U.S. culture is almost a joke to some people, and in my opinion it is certainly overprescribed and abused. This author reminds us of the importance and many benefits of the proper use of viagra, which I believe is an important topic that is overshadowed.

I was happy to see Dr. Morgentaler address penis size, because how can you trust anyone who continues to support the silly idea that differences in that area are non-existent. Looking at reality and examining it and dealing with it works much better in my opinion.

Happily Dr. Morgentaler also includes both hetero and homosexuality in this book, as well as making some interesting comparisons about how we perceive male versus female sexuality. For example, a woman can have multiple orgasms during intercourse and it is seen as a great thing, whereas a man who has an early orgasm and then more, is often derisively pathologized and referred to as a premature ejaculator. No one refers to a woman who has orgasm before her partner as a premature anything. Ultimately, the author states that when you ask women why they fake it, they usually reply that they wanted to make the man feel good. He shows us that in his experience in this field, when you ask men why they fake it, you get the same answer. They want to make their partner feel good about themselves.

This book is well written and a very good read. Whenever I started to think that was about all I wanted to hear about this topic, something new was presented and kept leading me on to finish. I highly recommend this book for undergrads, lay people, men and anyone who loves men. As a marriage therapist I would give this to clients. I intend to give away a few copies to my adult children and grandchildren for starters.

Thanks to the publisher for an early review copy. show less

It's taken awhile for me to get to writing this because I was touched by this book and am still thinking about it. When I taught gender identity development one of the things I focused on was how sexism hurts men. Most of us can see the obvious ways it hurts women, e.g. salaries, violence, etc. I wanted my students to see the cost that oppressing has on the oppressor so my focus was different. Men pay in terms of their health among other things, but mostly in their emotional development and in their relationships with their children and other loved ones. The U.S. culture, although certainly changing, still has so much of a gender split that many members of both genders are held captive by their expected behavior and live restricted show more lives. They are often unaware of that and of the effects it has on them. Some women still expect men to sweep them off their feet, seduce them, and perform like supermen. Of course they still expect it - that is still the pattern in most movies, books, music regardless of the fact it has changed somewhat. A large portion of this book is focused on what it is like to be the sweeper, that knight in shining armor.

Morgentaler clearly and in great detail illustrates the ability of men to fake it physically, meaning to fake orgasm and passion. He presents in depth knowledge on this topic, in which he is well versed. He is an associate clinical professor of urology at Harvard Med, experienced in both medical practice (25 years of it) and peer reviewed research. There is enough background here for the lay reader, for whom the book is written, if not the professional. As a former teacher of human sexuality, I wish I had had this information before I retired, and would like to have used the book as an undergraduate text. For example Morgentaler addresses the difference between orgasm and ejaculation, explaining the physical possibility of faking it.

In short, the why of faking it is to live up to the cultural model of the always available sexual male not so much as to fulfill a sense of ego but even more so to fulfill his duty as a husband and/or lover.

There is interesting information about how some of the empirical data is gathered, e.g. equipment for measuring erections, traditional methods of measuring testosterone levels, etc. Certainly the biological drive to reproduce is clear and is addressed. There is some mention of the female drive here also (altho not a mention of the English research that shows that women are more likely to have affairs when they are fertile, a little tidbit that I have always found interesting). There is excellent coverage of the broad effects of testosterone levels, specifically those not related to erections and specific sexual performance, which have lead to some doctors prescribing viagra and testosterone together. Dr. Morgentaler addresses the previous controversy of the misuse of testosterone supplements and possible links to cancer, which appear to have been disproven. He has done this by performing a meta-analysis of over 200 medical articles.

The use of viagra in the U.S. culture is almost a joke to some people, and in my opinion it is certainly overprescribed and abused. This author reminds us of the importance and many benefits of the proper use of viagra, which I believe is an important topic that is overshadowed.

I was happy to see Dr. Morgentaler address penis size, because how can you trust anyone who continues to support the silly idea that differences in that area are non-existent. Looking at reality and examining it and dealing with it works much better in my opinion.

Happily Dr. Morgentaler also includes both hetero and homosexuality in this book, as well as making some interesting comparisons about how we perceive male versus female sexuality. For example, a woman can have multiple orgasms during intercourse and it is seen as a great thing, whereas a man who has an early orgasm and then more, is often derisively pathologized and referred to as a premature ejaculator. No one refers to a woman who has orgasm before her partner as a premature anything. Ultimately, the author states that when you ask women why they fake it, they usually reply that they wanted to make the man feel good. He shows us that in his experience in this field, when you ask men why they fake it, you get the same answer. They want to make their partner feel good about themselves.

This book is well written and a very good read. Whenever I started to think that was about all I wanted to hear about this topic, something new was presented and kept leading me on to finish. I highly recommend this book for undergrads, lay people, men and anyone who loves men. I intend to give away a few copies to my adult children and grandchildren for starters. show less

The first thing that got my attention about this book like most people I would suppose was the unusual title. Men faking it? Well that could encompass a lot regarding men and their behavior regarding sex. Like maybe pretending one is better than advertised. But in fact it relates to one particular case in which a man fakes his orgasm with his partner to simulate his pleasure in pleasing her. An isolated case to say the least and I took issue with that aspect of the book as it came across as a teaser to lead you further to explore what is this about?

Well beyond that minor point, on the whole the book delivered on a wide variety of sexual maladies, conditions, and malfunctions men deal with everyday but probably don't discuss much. Dr. show more Morgenthaler in his practice has seen probably everything one can experience in this regard. He covers it all from measuring up to maintaining performance, or lack thereof. Though today in areas of ED and testosterone which is covered routinely in the media and commercials not as much is uncovered that hasn't been. On the other hand he relates a number of seemingly bizarre conditions that may not be as uncommon as we thought.

The psychological side of the topic is probably just as interesting though the book is primarily focused on the mechanics of the whys and solutions available. He does connect well the issue of esteem and its primary importance to most men and how they struggle when things don't quite work right. This is a book every man should find useful in understanding more about something that is often just guessed at or suffered in silence, well worth the time to explore. show less

Mostly, it seems, sex talk always revolves around the woman. Whether it's theories on how best to please them, or their issues with the inadequacies of men, there is always a woman's viewpoint somewhere in the discussion. After all, men, when was the last time you were hanging out with the guys and topic of penile rigidity came up? We might often joke about the use of Vigara and other medical miracles, but how many will admit to their peers that they take this most popular of medications?

Fortunately, we have Dr. Morgantaler to discuss these things and relate to us anecdotal case studies from his career as a specialist in the fascinating field of male sexuality. Surgeon, therapist, and quite possibly the most interesting guy at a show more bachelorette party, Dr. Morgantaler has put together quite a career as the go-to guy when one's junk doesn't perform like it used to. Or even like it never did.

The title story is about a guy who faked his orgasms just so his hot girlfriend would think she did her job. From here, Morgantaler explains how in many cases, men are obsessed with bringing the female to orgasm, often to the point where their own pleasure suffers. Some of the stories in this book are heart-wrenching; a guy suffering from a second case of twisted testicles just as he was on a vacation with his dream date. He somehow played through the pain, which typically is bad enough to compel most men to go to the hospital immediately. But his heroic effort left him with two dead testicles, and his dream date wanted to have children above all else. It was not a happy ending, although the heroic effort to find living sperm to attempt a (failed) artificial insemination is a testament to Dr. Morgentaler's skill.

Fascination aside, I found this book to be of interest as well. Many of his case studies involved men in the 50+ demographic (which I am a member). While my body hasn't failed me yet, I found myself identifying with some of these men who miss the virility of their youth. It's nice to know that if I find it necessary, there is medical recourse should age and other medical conditions such as diabetes wreak havoc on my libido and performance. It's nice to know it probably won't be necessary to hire a stunt-double. show less

This book doesn't quite deliver. For one thing there is precious little about "why men fake it", ostensibly the book's raison d'etre. On page 9 the author lauds the book OUR BODIES OURSELVES, "A landmark event in the 1970's, he says. "It explained anatomy, menstruation, birth control, the whole works." Naturally the reader of Fake It expect the same ..." The whole works." What we get is a compendium of patient histories and a five page appendix featuring Disney colourbook-like drawings of the inner plumbing of male genitals. There is absolutely no mention or description of the complex anatomy and functions of the intact penis, as though the tens of thousands of delicate penile nerve endings have nothing whatever to do with either sex or show more the male orgasm. A knowledgable reader might conclude this book was written by a circumcised man for circumcised men, and that, in itself, might find the book more readers than its titilating title. show less

I really enjoyed this book. It answered so many questions. I am not the type of person who asks a lot of questions about male related problems, but then neither do any of the guys I know. I am alost 60 years old, and any changes that have taken place physically and mentally, I assume are just due to getting older. Dr. Morgentaler answered every question I could have asked and more. It is a well written work that deals primarily with male sexuality. The Doctor really does seperate the wheat from the chaff, and he does so with sincerity, style and humour. He explains the biology and the psychology of mens' sexual problems. He explains why what we think about gender,sex and relationships is probably wrong. The Doc informs us of the pros show more and cons of drugs such as Viagra, Cialis and testosterone. The book is a current review of a topical issue. I believe both men and women should read it. My wife loved it. All I can say is thanks Dr. Morgentaler. show less