The Book of Separation

Tova Mirvis bares her soul in "A Book of Separation," in which she recalls her Modern Orthodox upbringing in Memphis; her sixteen-year marriage to Aaron, with whom she had three children; and her decision at the age of forty to leave not only her husband, but also traditional Judaism. Tova, (a name that in Hebrew means "good"), is a novelist who married too young and too hastily, before she and Aaron really knew who they were and what they wanted. Although they stayed together for a long time and were grateful to have two beautiful sons and a daughter, Aaron and Tova gradually drifted apart and began quarreling. Tova had hinted now and then that she was no longer comfortable with the rituals that defined their existence, but Aaron was show more still shocked when she asked for a divorce.

Mirvis's writing is exceptional. She creates poetic images and vivid metaphors, and in heartfelt passages, shares her feelings of pain, guilt, and loss. The author does not single out religion as the sole source of her discontent. In fact, she acknowledges that Orthodox Judaism is, for many individuals (including Tova's Chasidic brother), a beautiful and fulfilling way of life that helps bring harmony, peace, and joy to its adherents. Nor does she blame her husband for her woes. Instead, after much soul-searching, she realized that her insular community was slowly suffocating her. She was no longer content to go through the motions of pretending to be happy.

"The Book of Separation" is a poignant and, in many ways, sad description of the dissolution of a long marriage, made all the more difficult because three children were involved. Tova and Aaron consulted lawyers and therapists before splitting up their property, settling on a joint custody agreement, and making the transition from a couple to single parents. This memoir is a rich tapestry that flashes back to Tova's childhood, education, early years with Aaron, and her excitement and pleasure at becoming a mother and a novelist. Finally, she finds the courage to express her misgivings to her husband, parents, and friends. Eventually, she forges a new path, and takes her first tentative steps into uncharted territory. show less

I'm fascinated by the sub-genre of the leaving and shunning of Orthodox Jews from their cocoon. Tova Mirvis grew up as Modern Orthodox, which is slightly more liberal (though, of course, not liberal at all) than the alternatives. She has doubts from her youth, but in order to suppress them, she does what's common: runs full speed ahead into the maelstrom - in this case, marriage and children.

The divorce is horribly painful, but Tova and her ex-husband are able to maintain joint custody, which is not a frequent outcome. She's also blessed by the rabbinical court that grants the divorce - which I found to be surprisingly significant and moving.

The memoir details her life and divorce journey and the impact on her family. Two remarkable show more scenes feature the author and her friend performing their own mikvah (ritual cleansing bath) in Crystal Lake, Newton, MA (it's usually done in a sanctuary presided over by a trained matron), and her son's first taste of non-kosher food.

Tova is a fine writer, and the book is a energizing mix of facts and feels.

Quotes: "Each rule was a load-bearing wall in the overarching structure."

"All I needed to do was to press the edges of my old self against this new image so that we formed a single figure."

"I wasn't here in college to discover who I wanted to be but to remain who I already was."

"Any sin, I knew, wasn't mine alone - now that we were married, we represented each other. If I didn't cover my hair, Aaron was less religious just by being married to me." show less

Mirvis describes 2 separations in her life: divorcing her husband, Aaron, and disconnecting from most, not all, of her modern orthodox beliefs and practices. A double whammy!! She had married young, as most orthodox do, despite arguing with Aaron while dating, and personal doubts rationalizing that she didn't want to end up alone!

Her family is concerned and saddened but supportive. The Jewish community sadly is judgmental and disapproving especially against Mirvis' writings. The message is don't think like an independent adult; just concern yourself with what your neighbors and fellow congregants will think of you! Tova feels grateful that some of her friends and neighbors remain friendly, others simply civil.

Tova accepts that show more everything she is doing is an arduous process. She finds ways to strengthen herself, i.e. getting over her fear of driving on highways, and discovering the best of Boston, and to calm herself by finding progressive congregations and hiking nature trails.

She recognizes that the cost of being unhappy, living a lie was too high, and decides to speak up, and take action.

She listens supportively to individual orthodox women who seek her out to reveal their thoughts and the pain they experience, and ask her if that is what she felt.

A good read because Mirvis is honest, brave and scared, sad and determined; and an excellent writer. show less

This is a memoir of a woman who leaves her faith and her marriage and sets out to navigate the terrifying, liberating terrain of a newly mapless world. In recent years there have been many books about leaving Ultra-Orthodoxy, including Shulem Deen’s “All Who Go Do Not Return” and Anouk Markovits’ “I Am Forbidden”, where families are torn apart by fierce belief and private longing. Tova Mirvis’ community is Modern Orthodox and hers is a gentler leaving. The feelings and pain are still intense but she shares the parenting of her three children with her ex-husband and is sustained by the support and love of her parents. There is much anguish and questioning of belief and ritual in her determination to live her life on her own show more terms. She feels that “The freedom to think what you want to think, to believe what you believe, to feel what you actually do feel” and not having to make herself believe something that she no longer believes, is the greatest freedom. Tova does acknowledge that Orthodox Judaism for many individuals, (including her Chasidic brother), is a beautiful and fulfilling way of life that brings harmony, peace, and joy to its adherents. She was just not content to continue going through the motions of pretending to be happy in that life. She has not left Judaism. She is still connected to the Jewish story, Jewish history, and Jewish communal life and is an active member of a diverse and vibrant Jewish community in Newton, MA. She now has the freedom to believe what she wants to believe, to feel what she wants to feel and to raise her children to be strong enough to do the same. show less

Memoirist Tova Mirvis grew up in an Orthodox Jewish family and married a man from a similar background with the intention of continuing their religion's time-honored traditions. As she grew older, had children and became a published novelist, she discovered that adhering to the old laws felt stultifying, and she yearned to flee her embattled marriage. The Book of Separation is an account of how the author learned to overcome her fears and break free of others' expectations to find a life that feels right. Fortunately for her, this new life comes with an ideal new man.

The Book of Separation is slow-paced and meditative; those looking for anti-religious scandal won't find it here. Instead, it is the story of one woman's liberation and show more reconciliation of her past with her present and future. She writes that Orthodox Judaism has become for her like her childhood home; she can visit it, but she doesn't live there any more. I can't recommend this memoir highly, as I found it tedious in places and easy to put down, but if you are interested in the topic, you may find it a worthy read. show less

This was a lovely and thoughtful memoir written about the time immediately following the author's divorce, and exodus from the orthodox Judaism that had been the faith she grew up with. As a person who has taken a religious exodus of sorts myself, much of her experience resonated with me. The idea of leaving behind what you have known to discover your own truth is a powerful one, and Mirvis writes about it with grace, all the while maintaining a deep respect for the people and faith she leaves behind. I found this to be a fantastic read - recommended.

Memoir of a novelist focused on the dissolution of her marriage along with her slow departure from the Orthodox Jewish community as she finds herself and puts her life back together.
Beautifully written, sad, and inspiring at the same time.