The List of Things That Will Not Change

12 year old Bea's life changed when her parents divorced four years back. The reason: Bea's dad came out as gay. After their amicable split, her parents gifted her a journal entitled "The List of Things That Will Not Change", the first few entries of which reassure Bea that they will always be a family, though not in the same way as before. Yes, things did change a bit, but with time and love, everyone gets accustomed to modifications in their routine. Now, it's time for one more change. Bea's dad wants to get married to his fiancé Jesse. What upheavals will this bring in Bea's life? You've gotta read the book to find this out.

Bea is one of the sweetest and most realistic protagonists I've seen in dramatic children's fiction. As she show more herself says, she's wears her heart on her sleeve. She's sweet, she's forgetful, she's a big worrier, she's not afraid to punch someone if they deserve it, she's as real as a child can be. You realise that underneath her brave and brash exterior lies an insecure child looking for reassurance and stability. After Auggie (Wonder) and Genesis (Genesis Begins Again), Bea becomes the third fictional child whom I want to give one tight hug.

The book isn't worth reading just for Bea though. All the supporting characters are memorable and loveable. Well, all except one but I can't tell you who. show less

Bea is processing her parent's divorce, her anxiety and occasional lashing out, her Dad's marriage to another man, an exciting new sibling, old guilts -- a lot! And she's charming and surrounded by an interesting and loving crew of folks. It's a good book, and does a great job dealing with homophobia -- there are several different instances of it in the book, the characters talk about it, deal with it, and while there are a couple of really emotional scenes, nothing extremely traumatic happens. I also like that Stead is really good about presenting a scene and letting kids work out what they think about what just happened. She leaves space for readers to think about who they would want to be in that moment.

It feels like free therapy show more for the reader when Bea goes to her therapist -- which is either extremely appealing or kinda preachy, depending on your pov, but I loved her therapist's kindness and her coping suggestions. I found the book pretty firmly white and privileged in the race column, although I can't quite remember if Jesse's family is mixed race, so I might be selling it short. I think a lot of kids, especially young girls dealing with family transitions, will really enjoy this book and get a lot out of it.

Advanced Reader's Audio provided by Libro.fm show less

oh i love this. this is so well done. it's not talking down to kids at all and has so much depth of story and character for such an easy and quick read. (maybe it's easy and quick for me because it's written for kids, though.) issues of divorce, family, being yourself, gayness, therapy, secrets, friendship, and the age-old problem of a kid wanting to do the right thing and "be good" but sometimes making the wrong decision. i love how introspective this kid is, without her being unrealistically so. i love that her parents are great but not perfect, that everything doesn't come out all rosy at the end, but it mostly does. i love that she doesn't always act exactly as she wishes she did, and neither do her friends. (but oh my goodness when show more angus ate the oyster, i almost cried.) that they say sorry and that they forgive or don't. there are words of wisdom from the parents, from other family members, from the therapist, from other kids. this is a very human and relatable story for so many kids, i'm sure. i loved this.

“Some people would probably think it’s wrong for me to be telling you this, Bea. But you might as well know right now that there are people who will try to make you choose between who you are and who they want you to be. You have to watch out for those people.” show less

*I received an eARC of this book via NetGalley. All opinions are my own.*

I absolutely adored this book.

The writing is warm and funny, and the characters are relatable and REAL. The voice of this book is spot on for middle-grade readers, and the author tackles some tough subjects head on. She really understands anxiety and guilt and the anger that can come with it.

Bea is an endearing, layered character. She loves Star Trek; she suffers eczema; she is an anxious child, and this causes her to act out sometimes in ways that adults misconstrue. Her parents are understanding, and she sees a therapist to talk about her feelings. I LOVE this - it's not often you get to see a character in therapy. Her therapist Miriam is kind, and we get to see show more their relationship develop. The talk about her anxiety is straight up, and I appreciate the tools she is given to deal with it, be it the green notebook with her list of things that will not change, or how she approaches the things that worry her.

I also thought her parents' divorce was handled well, as was her dad's coming out and subsequent remarriage. It was handled tastefully and matter of factly, as was the issue of homophobia that is brought in (gently). Her dad's remarriage also introduces a half-sister, and the complex emotions for both of them around this situation are handled clearly and gently.

This is a book that takes on a lot of emotions and relationships and situations. Bea is pretty wise for her age, but she's also still portrayed as the child she is in a way that other middle-school readers can relate.

It's just a lovely book, perfect for a time when emotions and fears and anxieties are likely high in its target audience. She's a delightful character, flawed but endearing. show less

The narrator, Bea, is 12 years old and in 5th grade. Bea was eight when her parents divorced. At a family meeting to announce what was happening, her parents presented her with a notebook with a list inside, titled “Things That Will Not Change.” The list began:

1. Mom loves you more than anything, always.
2. Dad loves you more than anything, always.
3. Mom and Dad love each other, but in a different way.

They also told Bea that Dad was gay, and in response to Bea’s question, told her yes, he would be gay forever. She added that to the list of “Things That Will Not Change.”

Bea has eczema. It gets worse when she has anxiety, which she feels quite often. Bea also has issues dealing with hurt and anger, so she sees a therapist, show more Miriam.

Following the divorce, Dad got a boyfriend, Jesse, and after two years, Dad announced they would be getting married. Bea loved Jesse, but as she said, she had never thought about her dad being married to Jesse: “Or anyone, except my mom.” But Bea rolled with it, because she never wanted Jesse to leave. Bea spent a part of each week with each parent.

“I thought how my life with Mom and Dad was like a room with two big windows and two different moons.”

Jesse’s sister Sheila babysat Bea, and Bea’s whole family adored Sheila. But most importantly, Jesse had a daughter named Sonia in California, and she was the same age as Bea. Bea couldn’t wait to get a sister when her dad and Jesse married.

Another thread in the story concerns Mission, Sheila’s twin brother. Mission refused to accept that Jesse was gay. Sheila told Bea:

“Some people would probably think it’s wrong for me to be telling you this, Bea. But you might as well know right now that there are people who will try to make you choose between who you are and who they want you to be. You have to watch out for those people.”

Jesse said as much to Bea but in a different way:

"If you think about it, Bea, life is like a trip. A very long one. And what matters most is the people you travel with.”

Miriam tries to work with Bea and her anger. She explained to Bea:

“There are times when it’s right to be angry, Bea. And there are times when we use anger as a kind of protection from feeling hurt. It’s a way of covering up.”

Miriam encouraged Bea to think about the long-term effects of her behavior before she acted. Mostly though she tells Bea (a lot) that she is a wonderful person, and she needs to forgive herself for her things she did in the past when she was hurt and angry. Bea knew her misdeeds were not good, and was surprised that her apologies to people she hurt were accepted. As Miriam noted, “Everyone but you forgives you.”

Evaluation: Bea’s parents (all three - Mom, Dad, and Jesse) are unbelievably perfect. Bea, on the other hand, is given to do very nasty, harmful things when she feels psychic pain. I'm not sure how those two aspects of the story connect. In any event, the characterization of Bea and of her actions and feelings is excellent. This middle grade book would make a great choice for group discussions in school and/or reading and discussing together with parents. show less

Bea's parents are divorced, and her dad just got engaged to his partner Jesse. Jesse also has a daughter from his previous marriage, Sonia, and Bea is thrilled to finally have a sister, even if she lives in California and only comes to visit occasionally. But what if Sonia doesn't feel the same way?

I thought this was a very interesting handling of a kid with anxiety and impulse control issues. Stead has managed to really get into Bea's perspective beautifully. This is for a younger middle-grade audience, and deals with lots of interesting situations regarding school, the dads' marriage, and various friendship and family situations. I'm not sure that the ending ties everything together the way the author intended, but it's a gentle read show more that I'd recommend to those who enjoy realistic juvenile fiction. show less

When Beatrice (Bea) was eight, her parents called a Family Meeting and told her that they were getting divorced; her dad was gay, and he was moving out. They give her a notebook in which they have written the things that will not change, and she holds on to it and adds to the list. Bea adjusts to going back and forth between two households, and is even excited when her dad and his boyfriend, Jesse, announce they are getting married. That's good news: they make each other happy, Bea likes Jesse (and his sister, Sheila, who will be her aunt), and best of all, Bea gets something she's always wanted - a sister! Sonia lives across the country from them in New York, with her mother in California, but she comes for a visit in January and show more returns for the wedding in May.

This realistic story is full of wisdom, much of it from Bea's therapist, Miriam, who she started to see after her parents' divorce. In addition to the divorce and the upcoming marriage, though, something else is bothering Bea, something that happened when she visited her cousins last summer - and for which she still feels guilty.

Bea is a lovable character who struggles with her feelings and makes plenty of mistakes - but as Miriam points out, she's usually forgiven by others; she needs to forgive herself. Bea is, Miriam says, a good person, and the first-person narration shows us that's true.

Quotes

If you haven't noticed, I can tell you that I have an excellent memory for things that are not spelling.

Miriam [therapist] says that, a lot of the time, behind the feeling "I hate this" are other feelings. Like maybe "I'm afraid of this" is hiding behind "I hate this." And maybe hiding behind "I'm afraid of this" is "I don't know what's going to happen next" or "I don't know if I can do this." There are a lot of feelings behind feelings.

Other moon. Because I thought that every window had its own moon.

"Sometimes when people want something to be one way, they just pretend." (Dad to Bea)

Miriam taught me to wait if you want the other person to say more.

"What's it like to have a sister?"
"It's like - it's like there's someone else in my boat. Someone I don't have to explain things to." (Bea and Angus)

"But you might as well know right now that there are people who will try to make you choose between who you are and who they want you to be. You have to watch out for those people." (Sheila to Bea)

[Angus eats an oyster in front of the class, even though they are his #1 nightmare]

Miriam says that sometimes, when we don't want to "look hard at our behavior," we look hard at everything else instead...

"You are allowed to make mistakes. And to be forgiven." (Miriam to Bea)

"If you think about it, Bea, life is like a trip. A very long one. And what matters most is the people you travel with." (Jesse to Bea) show less