A Hymn to Life: Shame Has to Change Sides

This book is an assault on everything we thought we knew about human-woman nature. Despite all her husband had done, Pelicot still clung to the nostalgia of the love they had shared. I tried to appreciate the fact that Gisele Pelicot is one of those women, like Anderson Cooper's mother Gloria Vanderbilt, for whom romantic love is a paramount need. However, finally, when we got to the part where the husband demands that the strangers he had enlisted to rape his wife not wear a condom, that appreciation was strained. She doesn't view him as a monster, but when he admitted that he couldn't watch the videos of the rape in court because he still found them exciting, I couldn't forgo that label. Pelicot is a brave woman who helped rape show more survivors by allowing the trial to be public so everyone could see just how vicious the rapists were and how callous the judicial system is. She is not the monster, which is the point of the book. But he sure is. show less

i am so impressed with this woman. her ability to have one of the worst kinds of betrayal happen to her, and to manage to put that blame and shame where it belongs, on these men, is an absolute inspiration. to still have such a positive attitude about people and life is kind of amazing to me. i absolutely believe it makes all the difference in the world that she doesn't remember one single aspect of the assaults, but she can remember feeling woozy and missing memories for years, so it's not like she's physically unscathed in her mind.

this affected her relationships with her children, because she was somehow able to move on, and maybe because she has evidence of what happened, unlike her daughter who always has to wonder. but to hear show more this about your life partner, to suspect that he may be a murderer as well, to be able to integrate that into your life and have it not change your self image, is incredible. she is amazing.

i followed this in the news when it was happening and did not know if i needed to read this, but it's about so much more than what happened. that's actually just the backdrop of how she handled it and what we can learn from her. i'm so glad i read this and it's worth saying both that it's extremely well written and that the audio is read by emma thompson and she was absolutely incredible and made this a true performance. all around amazing listen/read. show less

Gisele Pelicot is an amazing woman. She suffered a horrible betrayal by her husband of 50 years who drugged her and invited strangers to have sex with her while she was knocked out. This book is about how she dealt with that betrayal and violation.

Gisele opted to have her case heard in open court; to not be the one who felt shamed by what had happened. Those who committed criminal acts are the one who should be ashamed. She had the ability to not let others tell her how she should react and respond to her situation. And she refused to be nothing more than a victim.

I really identified with her need to find and hold on to positive memories of her marriage. If she couldn't, her whole life would have been a lie. She wasn't trying to excuse show more her husband or her other abusers. She just wanted to handle her emotions and reactions her way; on her terms.

The book also looks at how her husband's actions affected her relationships with her three children. A tragedy doesn't necessarily bring people together as everyone has different ways of processing what happened and of finding their own way to carry on.

Her story is inspirational in many ways. Unfortunately, it also shows how victims of sexual assault inevitably face blame and shaming, even when evidence to the contrary is overwhelming. show less

Quel livre, quel témoignage ! Tout est juste ici ! Sans pathos ni mélo, intime sans être voyeuse, d’une insupportable violence et pourtant d’une invincible énergie vitale… Cette joie de vivre emporte tout.

Gisèle Pelicot raconte son histoire, de la sidération jusqu’au procès. Elle décortique et cherche les pourquoi, comment… toutes ces questions qui vraisemblablement ne trouveront jamais de réponse satisfaisante pour expliquer une telle abjection

This is an extraordinary book. A middle-aged woman discovers she has been, unknowingly, the victim of her husbands depraved sexual fantasies over a period of 10 years or more.
It is not sensationalised, salacious, crude or titillating. Gisele Pelicot is horrified, unbelieving, distraught and eventually angered at what her husband has done to her and her entire family by giving rein to his deepest sexually driven perversions. She cannot make sense of what she had considered a loving, stable marriage over 50 years - nor why her husband, who she thought she knew, would let himself become so vile, so divorced from reality - and particularly why he would entice and enable so many men to use her body as if it were a doll or a corpse.
As the show more weeks and months pass in legal preparation for the trial, Gisele, who had initially wanted the trial held in camera (a closed courtroom) decides that she is not the one on trial, she should not be the one being made to feel shame - it is the men who participated in the whole disgusting abuse who should feel shame. So, on the opening day of the hearing she tells the Justice that she wants it to be an open court. The men ( some 80-100 of them ) are horrified, this will mean that they can be identified, family, friends, work colleagues and neighbours will know who they are. Their shame will be overwhelming. And so it is.
Gisele will be remaking her life for many years, but so far she has made a positive start and has found a companion who loves and cares for her. I truly hope she finds peace of mind. show less

Why?
I had no desire to know more about this horrific case than I picked up from the news. But I flicked through this at the library and was captivated by the writing. Gisèle does not shy away from her husband’s crimes against her, but she eschews graphic details (as does my review). It’s an introspective, psychological look at trauma, memory, evil, and the differing consequences for the whole family.
“It happened to me, but it wasn’t me.”

Gisèle is consistently determined to find and cherish a few happy and unadulterated memories, to understand what happened and why, and to challenge sexist rape culture. She doesn’t hate men.

“My entire life had fallen apart, but I was [medically] fine”
She knows what was done to her, show more but has no memory of it.

Her greatest sadness is the estrangement from her daughter and thus grandchildren.


Image: Île de Ré, where Gisèle found peace on long, solo beach walks (Source)

Strands
Chapter 1 starts as a normal day of retirement in rural France - except they have an appointment at the police station about Dominique’s upskirting charge. They are taken to separate rooms and a male police officer breaks the news of Dominique’s horrific crimes to Gisèle, with photos. Chapter 2 goes back 50 years, to their first meeting, age 18, falling almost instantly in love.

The two timelines alternate, each going forward chronologically. It’s a very effective way to tell the story clearly, and to keep a regular dose of happy moments.

This felt firmly in Gisèle’s voice (not that I have any real way to know), but some credit goes to Judith Perrignon who helped her write it, and the translators, Natasha Lehrer and Ruth Diver.

Childhood
Gisèle’s life is marked by the death of mother, when she was only nine. She loved her father and brother, but acquired an unkind step-mother. She found respite in summers with her maternal aunt's family in the countryside:
“Chateaux dotted around the landscape, the sometimes sumptuous, sometimes crumbling old buildings… seemed to open doors on other centuries, other worlds.”
She left home as soon as she could, determined to be independent. Initially she worked as a secretary, but climbed the corporate ladder, being an early adopter of computers.

Dominique was a lonely child, surrounded by violent men. As an adult, he had a chequered job history as an electrician and (real) estate agent, with gaps of unemployment. He was bad with money and often in debt.

Both were determined to give their children the kind of family life they had not had, and Gisèle believed they succeeded. The bailiffs came at least once. She had a brief affair. He did too. They reconciled. The children were always loved and cherished. He sometimes asked her do things that she refused to do. He didn’t force her - though he did tease her for being a prude. He was violent “only once”, and that was when he thought she was going to leave him. With hindsight, she remembers a couple of times that drinks looked or tasted odd.

Processing the horror
When Gisèle is told what was done to her, she first worries about how to tell her three adult children, especially her daughter, Caroline. The different ways mother and daughter react is at the heart of this narrative.

Gisèle wants to understand the Dominique so different from the man she thought she knew and loved - and she wants to do so alone. Caroline smashes crockery, destroys photographs, and wants her mother’s embrace.

Further estrangement arises from two photos of adult Caroline, asleep in underwear. She is convinced this means her father drug-raped her too, but Gisèle, while shocked by the incestuous gaze, takes comfort in the fact they fall short of proof of rape, and hopes it didn’t happen. Caroline feels betrayed and unsupported in her trauma.

Gisèle is also relieved to realise her decade of blackouts and memory lapses are not due to a brain tumour.

Victimhood
Gisèle does not want to be seen as a victim or a hero, but she is. She further suffered because a magistrate, media, lawyers, a psychiatrist, public opinion, and some of her family, didn’t think she reacted the “right” way. She was neither broken enough nor angry enough. She didn’t want to destroy everything. She sent warm clothes to Dominique in prison. Some also doubt that she didn’t know.

She chose to go public at the last minute, partly so her rapists were known, and was buoyed by supportive women outside court, as well as many who wrote to her. She is clear that the story is not just hers: it’s for women everywhere, including the mothers and wives of her rapists, and especially her family.

Court
Four years later, it comes to court:
“The autopsy of our relationship.”
Dominique pleads guilty to all crimes relating to her. But there’s a “pack” of fifty of her rapists facing her:
“The accused men stared at me defiantly. They would all be pleading not guilty.”
They are all ages and levels of education. The only thing they have in common is their sense of entitlement. The trial takes three gruelling months.

The 51 rapists who were charged were all convicted (17 appealed, but failed to overturn their convictions). Dominique will die in prison. But around 30 more could not be identified from the photos and videos. And there’s an unsolved rape and murder from 1999 in which Dominique is chief suspect.

Not quite a happy ending. Not really an ending. But Gisèle is a remarkable woman and I am glad she has found love with a new man. I hope Caroline finds closure and can be reconciled with her mother. show less

I had followed Gisele Pelicot’s story closely in the news, so picking up this book felt like finally hearing the truth straight from the source. What makes this memoir so remarkable is that despite the utterly horrifying and shocking nature of her husband’s betrayal, Gisele refuses to be swallowed up by grief. She has a way of writing that keeps pulling you toward the light, even when the subject matter is incredibly dark and heavy. That said, this is not an easy read by any stretch. There were moments I had to set the book down for a couple of days just to let myself process the weight of it all.

What stayed with me long after finishing was how Gisele’s story exposes just how brutal the justice system can be for survivors. Even show more with video evidence staring everyone in the face, the defense attorneys still worked overtime trying to discredit and smear her name. It’s a sobering reminder of the uphill battle most victims face when seeking justice. But through it all, Gisele stands tall. Not just for herself, but for every survivor out there. I’m so glad she wrote this book and shared her voice with the world. Absolutely essential reading. show less