When I ordered this book, I did not realize that it dealt with love within marital relationships and not love in general, as in the book ”Love for no reason” by Marci Shimoff, but nonetheless I was by no means disappointed once I got into it. I have learnt much from it – it provides material that I have not found elsewhere.

We learn how to transform co-dependent relationships into co-committed relationships.

Co-dependence is “an agreement between people to stay locked in unconscious patterns”. Co-commitment is an agreement to become more conscious. When we are co-dependent, we do not have relationships but “entanglements”. Co-dependence is “an addiction to control and approval”. A co-committed relationship is one in which two or more people “support each other in being whole, complete individuals”.

In our quest towards achieving co-committed relationships, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks take their basis in their own long-standing relationship. They too have had problems and issues and they here show us how they worked through them.

There are three main patterns of behaviour seen in co-dependent relationships – withholding, withdrawal and projection. Withholding is “when you keep inside you things that should be expressed”. Withdrawal is when “you pull back from contact”. Projection is when “you attribute to another person something that is actually going on at an unconscious level within yourself”.

Examples are provided of unconscious deals made by those in co-dependent relationships: 1) Let’s both agree not to look into certain areas of our lives 2) If you don’t change, I won’t either. 3) Let’s focus our attention on alcohol (or food or drugs) instead of solving our problems. 4) If you do all the thinking, I’ll do all the feeling.

The authors identify six core commitments essential in transforming co-dependence.: 1) I commit myself to full closeness, and I commit myself to cleaning up anything in the way of my ability to do so. 2) I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual. 3) I commit to revealing myself fully in my relationships, not to concealing myself. 4) I commit myself to the full empowerment of people around me. 5) I commit to acting from the awareness that I am 100 percent the source of my reality (a basic one in my opinion). 6) I commit myself to having a good time in my close relationships.

Moreover, three fundamental requirements are 1) Feel all your feelings 2) Tell the microscopic truth 3) Keep your agreements.

The book is packed with psychological insights, or perhaps rather disclosures leading to such on the part of the reader, together with detailed information about how to work with oneself and one’s relationships.

We are given valuable questions to aid us in discovering what action to take to expedite the process of transforming our lives:

1. What feelings have I separated myself from?
2. What relationships have I felt incomplete?
3. What do I need to do to complete them?
4. What agreements have I broken and not cleaned up?
5. What have I said I would do that I have not done?
6. What have I agreed not to do that I have done?
7. What communications have I left unsaid?
8. What have I started and not finished?
9. To whom do I owe money?
10. Whom do I need to forgive?
11. To whom do I owe appreciation?

Part Two of the book is composed of useful activities for transforming your relationship.

The authors provide a final insight: once you have begun to tell the microscopic truth to each other, saying what you want directly, and experiencing and expressing your true feelings, you may begin to see that all your issues are really one – how much positive energy can I handle? This matter of having difficulty in dealing with positive energy is gone into in detail throughout the book.

To sum up, this is a well-written, deeply insightful book that will transform your relationship with your partner, if you read it and follow the authors’ advice, carrying out the suggested techniques. I highly recommend it. ( )

Here are some quotes from the book:

Unconscious loving thrives on victimhood. Codependence feeds on projection.

Co-Dependents are addicted to control and approval.

The only effective action is to see and say the truth.

There is no requirement that enlightenment be painful, unless you are trying to avoid pain. Then the Universe has no choice but to teach you through pain.

A relationship turns into an entanglement in a specific moment of unconciousness.

We lust for closeness, yet are often terrified of it at the same time.

1. Feel all your feelings

2. Tell the microscopic truth. Holding out always creates distance.

3. Keep your conscious agreements.

If you do not use relationships as a path to your full evolution, you are cheating yourself.

Withholding leads to withdrawal and projection.

Protection begins the moment we forget that we are the source of what is happening in our lives.

TRAPS- Major ways people sleepwalk through life :

1. In my relationships I let people get away with destructive behavior.

2. I form relationships with people who let me get away with destructive behavior.

3. I am in a relationship that resembles my parent's relationship.

4. I form relationships with people whose personalities and behavior resemble that of one or both of my parents.

5. Out of reaction to parental relationships, I create relationships that are the opposite of my parents.

6. Out of a childhood trauma a pattern is generated, and I play out that pattern repeatedly in my relationships.

7. I participate in continual conflict in my relationships or I avoid conflict at all costs.

8. With the possibility of success at hand, I mess up.

9. Because I have never learned true independence, I create relationships in which I perpetuate dependence.

Seven steps to Co-Commitment:

Step One: Commitments

Commitment1 - I commit myself to full closeness, and to clearing up anything within me that stands in the way.

Commitment2 - I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual.

Commitment3 - I commit myself to revealing myselc fully in tye relationship, not to concealing myself.

Commitment4 - I commit myself to the full empowerment of people around me.

Commitment5 - I commit myself to acting fron the awareness that I am 100% the source of my reality.

Commitment6 - I commit myself to having a good time in my close relationships.

Step Two: Learning to Love Yourself

True self-love is an ongoing celebration of who you are no matter how well you perform. You must produce for yourself each moment of love. Also, learn to love your body.

Step Three: Learning to Feel

Learning to feel your feelings is a radical act. There is an active conspiracy against your knowing your true feelings. Anxiety is excitement without breath, fear isfrozen fear. Depression is often the outcome of long-repressed anger.

Any feeling, fully felt, leads to love.

Be with your feelings, but without having to act on them.

Experience your feelings to completion. ( )