Not Becoming My Mother and Other Things She Taught Me Along the Way

5***** and a ❤

Reichl’s mother Miriam was an indifferent housekeeper and a terrible cook – guests at her dinner parties were known to wind up in the hospital having their stomachs pumped due to poisoning. She was an educated, intelligent woman in a society that expected women to marry and stay at home. So when she was nearing thirty Miriam submitted to expectations and settled for conformity. She hated it, and lived much of her life in a desperately unhappy state. Miriam poured her frustrations, dreams, hopes and disappointments into diaries, letters and jotted notes on the backs of grocery receipts, all of which she kept in a gift box, tied with twine and hidden away in a basement corner. She never wrote the story of her life, but show more Reichl has used those notes to write her mother’s story.

What a wonderful tribute to a mother’s love and lasting gift to her child. Miriam was unhappy in her life, but she tried to instill in her daughter the notion that she did not have to live her life in any way but the way she, herself, chose. She gave Ruthy the permission, and encouragement, to pursue her own dreams. To “NOT” become her mother.

Ruth Reichl narrates the audio book herself and she is magnificent. She conveys humor and compassion, frustration and pride, and above all a great love for her mother who helped make her what she is – and is NOT – today. show less

I love Reichl's writing, it's as rich and rewarding as a chocolate truffle. Having read her other memoirs, and from the title, I expected more stories about her crazy mother. Instead, Reichl writes about the frustration and oppression that made her mother (and others of her generation) so very unhappy. Most women born in the early part of the 20th century weren't allowed to follow dreams of a career. Ms. Reichl's mother wanted to be a doctor, but did what was expected of her and became a wife and mother.
The book is a lovely tribute to that generation of women.

Reichl has always had a peculiar relationship with her mother, a love-hate, an adore-loate, a respect-revolt relationship. Her mother, Miriam, longed to be a doctor, but her parents refused, saying if she became a doctor she’d never fulfill the only real purpose a woman should have in life: to find a husband. So Miriam complied and got a degree she didn’t want, married a man she didn’t love, gave up a career she desired, and had children she never wanted. Reichl uses her mother’s letters and journals to tell her mother’s story, a cautionary tale for Ruth, of course, but also for women everywhere.

I've long enjoyed Reichl's work -- this one is hard, because she tackles the toxic life of the brilliant woman who became a housewife in a restrictive time. There are many hard truths in here, but it's a loving portrait.

Ruth Reichl is a food critic, chef, food writer and the former editor of Gourmet magazine.

When Reichl was cleaning out her mother's things after her death, she came upon a box of letters that her mother had written over the years. Ruth remembered her mother as being eccentric and somewhat manic – her illogical antics were often an embarrassment to her young daughter. After her father's death, her mother was so depressed she spent several years in bed.

In between, she seemed to be searching for a life. But even a well educated, cultured young woman in the 1920's was expected to give up her job and become a housewife once she married lest people believed her husband couldn't support her. Was she actually bipolar? Or was it that her show more unfulfilled longings created her unrest and moodiness?

Reichl seems to believe that her mother wasn't really bipolar, but that her unfilled life caused her problems.

As someone with a bipolar offspring, I tend to believe that bipolar is a metabolic and genetic disorder. An unfilled, frustrating life wouldn't cause the condition but might well limit the coping skills to deal with it, especially at a time when the condition was not acknowledged or understood.

I found Reichl's description of life with a bipolar mother and her mother's life quite interesting, but having such a large disagreement with the author over the causes of bipolar disorder, I can't give this one more than three stars. show less

Ruth Reichl is an author, and former New York Times restaurant critic and editor of the now defunct Gourmet magazine. Over the course of her memoirs, starting with Tender at the Bone, Reichl has told many stories about her mother. Miriam was a poor housekeeper, enthusiastic yet spectacularly awful cook and prone to whirlwind starts to projects only to see them fizzle without completion. Her guests sometimes suffered food poisoning as a result of her disregard to the effects of mold and bizarre food combinations.

In the past, Reichl has told these stories with great humor. However, the recent discovery of a box full of her mother's papers led to a re-assessment of Miriam and Reichl's deeper understanding of her mother's many quirks and show more failings. Reichl comes to see her mother as a woman of talent, thwarted from following her dreams and pushed into marriage. In the afterword, she invites her readers to move from the specific to the the universal in examining how American society has approached child-rearing, homemaking and professional life, particularly as to mid-20th century women.

This is a slim book and easy to read. It will be of special interest to those who have read Ms. Reichl's earlier works, as well as anyone who has struggled to understand parent/child relationships. It is not a book tailored for 'foodies.' I had the opportunity to hear Ms. Reichl speak about the genesis of this book. I was moved by the emotion which she still brings to her re-evaluation of her mother and Reichl's gratitude for the sacrifices she failed to see at the time, but recognizes now. Perhaps none of us can truly appreciate our parents except through adult eyes. show less

Ruth Reichl's memoir of her mother would be a good companion to James McBride's memoir The Color of Water and Diane Keaton's new memoir, too. In it, she asserts that her mother, Miriam, consciously and subconsciously did much to discourage Ruth from following in her footsteps. What Miriam wanted most of all was to be a career woman--she wanted to be a doctor but her own parents told her that she would never marry if she did. And marriage at that time, the '50s and '60s, was all important to women. It's just that Miriam was not suited to it. And so she was a "failure" and a disaster at domestic duties, and her life in many ways was a search for some work to do that would be rewarding and fulfilling. Reichl's book is not a "feel good" show more book excusing her mother for her inability to be June Cleaver. But it is a book in which the author acknowledges the desert that the life of the housewife was to some women who had many gifts and few outlets for their talents. It's not an easy book to read, but those of us who had mothers who we knew would have made great nurses, doctors, business people, etc. and for one reason or another were not able to find their way into those careers will find themselves understanding their mothers much better. show less