This Lovely Life

A cautionary tale. Early in her pregnancy, Forman went into labor and delivered twins at 23 weeks gestation. (Abortion is legal until the 24th week.) She immediately requested that they be allowed to die naturally - that is, for an absence of medical intervention. She was overruled.
And from then on, her life - and by proxy, the lives of her husband and toddler - are consumed by the needs of the twins - and by Forman's own (justified) need to control their doctors and medications, to take a part in their lives.
This is a story of grief: make no mistake: and Forman does not fall into the overly-precious territory of "motherhood solves all problems & when you see your babies nothing else will ever matter ever again". She is overwhelmed, show more terrified, unable to accept the possibility of severe disability for her twins - she holds out hope for the impossible - but as the statistics come closer and closer & finally become reality, life becomes a matter of putting one foot after the other after the other, and hope gives out.

She finally does find a path through her own grief and fear and anger, but it's not a pleasant journey, and for those who recognize the road all this may be a little too much. Contrary to the blurb, there's no 'triumph' to be found in sacrifice.

In between, there's a lot of information on raising disabled children, advocacy for patient advocacy, the limits of doctor knowledge v. limits of parental knowledge, the limits and expression of disability and love and 'bravery'. Et cetera. Not didactical in the least, Forman is generally clear-voiced and forthright; she doesn't protect herself by passionless recounting or dissolve into pretty, pretty prose.

(The Forward - not written by Forman - is tremendously presumptuous & snobby; I recommend that you skip it, collect your 200 dollars, and proceed straight to Go.)

...I forgot to mention how very much I admired Vicki Forman. Courage is a rare thing, and honesty is sometimes rarer. She has both. show less

Vicki Forman's twins Ellie and Evan were born at only 23 weeks and weighed just over a pound a piece when they were born. Knowing as she did, the terrible odds stacked against her babies, Forman begged doctors to let them go at birth instead of using heroic measures to keep them alive. But doctors didn't listen and the babies were whisked off to the NICU to start the fight to live. Ellie died four days later. Evan faced almost every medical challenge possible but he lived. This devastating memoir is the story of Evan's survival, the long road both emotionally and medically that the entire Forman family faced, having lost one baby and having another with multiple permanent disabilities. It is harrowing and open and anger and guilt-fueled show more but it is also the story of a powerful love both for the baby who died and the baby who didn't. It is primarily a memoir of motherhood, or as the subtitle says, premature motherhood, although Forman does touch on some of her husband's grief and way of coping with the overwhelming uncertainty and dread and on how they as a couple found the strength to continue on together in the face of the enormous obstacles facing Evan.

This story will leave the reader drained but impressed with the empowerment and advocacy that Forman grew into in the unexpected years of mothering her disabled but no less perfect for that boy. The winner of the Bread Loaf Writers' Conference Bakeless Prize, this is exquisitely written and deeply felt. It takes the reader on the roller coaster ride that parents with medically fragile children face every day. And it gives a glimpse of the unrelentingly different sense of normal experienced by families with ex-micropreemies or multiply disabled children. Much of the memoir focuses on the first two years of Evan's life and how Forman became the mother he needed. But it also deals with the way she bottled her grief for the loss of Ellie because of Evan's daily struggle. And while there's no miracle ending here, there is still a sense of the miraculous and the beautiful. Life and death are so intimately intertwined here, ethical and moral questions abound but ultimately there's an all pervading mother love, strongly and unstintingly stated. It feels strange to say that a story so shattering can be hopeful and affirmative and yes, even enjoyable, but it is. Just be prepared to weep yourself dry when you read this incredibly worthwhile memoir.

Thanks to the publisher for a review copy of the book. show less

I have no children, I will never be a mother and I knew how the book ended before I started, but I could not put this book down.Vicki Forman's story of delivering and caring for her extremely premature twins is both gut-wrenching and inspiring in equal measure. The number of medical setbacks and complications that the author and her family have to get through is unbelievable. Somehow, she always finds the strength not only to get through each situation, but to be an advocate for her children at the same time. There are a few weakness to the book. The author glosses over the financial aspect of her childrens' care and I would have loved to have heard more about this. I was left wondering how her family was impacted by the expense of the show more incredible amount of care her children needed. At the same time, I wondered whether children from families not as well-situated as the author would have received the same level of care. This is especially relevant given today's healthcare debates. This is a minor complaint, though, as I realize this book is a personal memoir and not a book about current affairs. When I first started reading this book, I thought I would never recommend it to anyone expecting a child. Now I think maybe it should be required reading because it can inspire parents to realize that nothing is insurmountable. show less

Words cannot describe the powerful effect this book had on me as I read it, and I am grateful for the author telling her story. My son was born at 30 weeks, and walked away from all his early complication without any permanent issues, and I have always been grateful for that, but after reading this book I understand the reality of what could have happened. My gratitude is greater now, and I was and will always be moved by this book.

Vicki Forman won the Bread Loaf Writer's Conference Bakeless Prize for this book and thus far has received very positive reviews. I'm happy for her accomplishments and hope that it has brought much healing.

The struggles that Vicki and her family went through are certainly devastating and life-changing, and my heart truly goes out to them. However, putting her experience into words seems to be more of a cathartic measure than a message or encouragement to others. My thoughts or rating has nothing to do with what she endured or carries with her the rest of her life - it has everything to do with my feelings while reading it.

I'm going to end this with a warning: If you are in the child-bearing years, my suggestion is that you do not read show more this. Although, others that have had similar experiences may find comfort in reading Vicki's experience - assuring them that they are not alone and that their feelings are valid.

Originally posted on: Thoughts of Joy show less