Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog

Lisa Scottoline is best known for her thrillers, usually featuring strong women thrown into perilous situations. It's a delightful surprise to discover she also writes short essays, some previously published in her "Chick Wit" column.

The topics are mostly humorous, dealing with being a woman; being the single mom of a young adult; being the adult child of an opinionated and feisty mother; finding jeans that fit; and other perils of contemporary life.

While the title statement is never really discussed, we do discover that Scottoline has two ex-husbands "in the rear-view mirror", and shares her Pennsylvania home with dogs, cats, chickens, and an occasional relative.

It's an engaging collection to dip into, rather like sitting down for show more coffee with a friend for a good girl-talk session. show less

My daughter got me this book, once again proving her talent for finding the perfect gift. As soon as I saw the pets in the author's photo on the back cover, and learned that Scottoline's a NYT bestselling and Edgar award-winning author who also writes a column called "Chick Wit" with her daughter, I was hooked. Her descriptions of golden retriever personalities were spot-on hilarious. Clever puns keep you smiling throughout relatable tales of being a female at every age, the dynamics with her daughter, exes and her aging mother, her memories of being raised in an Italian-American family... secrets and guilt women don't usually admit to out loud. I recommend this to my sis-in-law, friends Virginia and Julie because of the chapters about show more raising chickens, and to anyone else who needs a laugh. Released in 2009, a few passages are a bit dated, but still funny because the topics are timeless. show less

I really love Scottoline's writing, and her audiobooks are extra fun. I get to hear her (and her daughter Francesca) reading antics from their lives...though they occasionally make me snort and almost cry as I'm grocery shopping...the thing with Little Tony, the cone, and the cold cream face made me nearly have to clutch an end cap at the store. My inability to control myself aside, this was such a nice pick-me-up.

You know what’s rare on a flight bound OUT of Las Vegas? Laughter. But my return flight from Sin City had me apologizing to my seat mate as my only partially stifled laughter kept shaking the seat.

Lisa Scottoline’s book of essays, “Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog” was a great book to make the return home go quickly. When I was little, I remember reading Erma Bombeck’s “If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?” and this book has a very similar type humor. Both women take a sometimes exasperated, usually sarcastic view of the ups and downs of living in the modern world, but there is always an underlying love and appreciation for the people in their lives. They may be frustrated at times with the people show more that make them crazy, but they love them fiercely. And, to even things out, much of the humor is self-deprecating, which is one of my favorite kinds.

I won’t try and include all of the good lines, but here are a few that give the sense of the book.

When she is talking about some of the life lessons she gleaned from her mother, “If you load the knives into the dishwasher pointy tip up, you’ll fall on them and impale yourself. Also you’ll go blind from reading without enough light. Reading in general ruins your eyes. If you eat baked beans from a can that has dents, you’’ die of botulism. This was before people injected botulism into their faces. Nowadays, the dented can will kill you, but you’ll look young.”

And, “Anyway, my head was full of these thoughts the other afternoon, as I was hurrying in a downpour through the streets of New York City, there to take my author photo. I know that sounds glamorous and it would be if I were ten pounds lighter and ten years younger, but take it from me, the best fiction in my books is the author photo.”

And, “On the road, I pass lots of other carbodies, all of us doing the same thing. Moms in packed minivans, sales reps with full closets in the back seat, lawyers writing on pads on the dashboard. They talk on the phone or text like crazy. Once I saw someone smoking a cigarette, opening a pack of Trident, and driving at 70mph. It was like watching someone juggle an axe, a gun, and a bazooka.”

She also has a few pearls of wisdom that speak right to the heart. “You have to be crazy to stop eating bacon. Bacon is the meth of meats.”

Scottoline also speaks to what is being lost in today’s world – memories that her generation have but that won’t be part of this new “Everyone has the same ‘must have’ things” world.

“I remember perfectly our family suitcase, which we used growing up. I’m going out on a limb here, but I’d bet money that you can remember the suitcase your family had when you were little. Our family suitcase was a rigid rectangle covered with royal blue vinyl, and it had white plastic piping. Inside it were all manner of fake silk pouches with generous elastic gathering. It was so heavy only my father could carry it. And we all four used it, so either we didn’t have much stuff or it was the size of Vermont. The suitcase fascinated me, and I always imagined that someday it would be plastered with stickers in the shape of pennants, each with the name of an exotic city…Now nobody will grow up fascinated with their family suitcase, because everybody will remember the exact same one. A soft black box like the one I bought at Brookstone. No decals. No tangy whiff of faraway places.”

Though I think I laughed more at the beginning of the book, before settling into the rhythm of the words and her style of humor, I very much enjoyed Lisa Scottoline’s take on her life…one very similar to mine.

And? My laughter on that plane leaving Vegas put me in a far better mood than most of the other passengers. show less

For many, especially we fans of crime and mystery novels, the name Lisa Scottoline will no doubt be familiar. The author of over a dozen best selling, award winning legal thrillers, always set in the Philadelphia area and populated by such great characters as Mary DiNunzio and Bennie Rosato, Ms. Scottoline has another writing outlet that you may be familiar with. For years she has been the author of a weekly column in the Sunday Philadelphia Inquirer, a column called Chick Wit. And happily, 70 of those columns have now been collected in this book "Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog", a title which both explains how fond she is of her menagerie of dogs, large and small (not to mention the cats and the pony..oh, and the chickens) and now show more unfond she is of her two ex-husbands. Or as she refers to them, Thing One and Thing Two.

Ms. Scottoline's essays are often very funny, at times quite touching but always, always very relatable.
She and I share the love of many things, including bacon, "the meth of meat", Tom Colicchio and large, furry doggies. And books, oh yes, books...
"UnResolution Number Seven. I buy too many books. I love to read and have hundreds of books overflowing my bookshelves and stacked high on my dining room table, in piles. I love living around books, and reading is like traveling without baggage claim. Who needs a dining room anyway?
So maybe now you understand why I am single."
Which may not always be a bad thing..
"...all I am saying is that fact you live alone doesn't necessarily mean you're lonely. It means you're free to wear hats to bed."
Especially timely in this holiday season is her view on shopping.
"In the beginning, God created the Internet and shopping online. I was an early believer. Where shopping is involved, I get in on the ground floor, especially if I don't have to move from my chair. Shopping online was like having somebody bring you brownies and stuff them in your mouth.
in other words, impossible to resist."

You will meet the 'characters' that populate her real life, Mother "Earthquake" Mary, Brother Frank, Daughter Francesca, and BFF's Franca and Laura, all tied into, one way or another, some very amusing stories. Her mother, all 4'11" of her, resides most of the year in South Florida with Lisa's gay brother, and is what I would call a pistol. When she shows up in a column, you know you will be laughing shortly. To mention just a few of the life lessons she got from her mother, "If you load the knives into the dishwasher pointy tip up, you’ll fall on them and impale yourself. Also you’ll go blind from reading without enough light. Reading in general ruins your eyes. If you eat baked beans from a can that has dents, you die of botulism. This was before people injected botulism into their faces. Nowadays, the dented can will kill you, but you’ll look young."
At times it is clear that her family may drive her crazy but it is also just as clear that she loves them fiercely. While they are often the source of a funny story, the person most commonly at the center of the joke is she herself.

Witty, a unique view of the world around her, not afraid to be the butt of her own jokes, all wrapped up with a wee dash of sarcasm, makes for a funny, entertaining collection. Get a copy for yourself and, especially if they are a fan of her fiction, a copy as a gift for friends or relatives. If you are feeling stressed, just whip out this book, read one or two of the 70 essays and I can assure you you will be feeling a little better and will most likely have a smile on your face. If not ROTFL. show less

Lisa Scottoline makes me laugh. And cry. And, say to Jim, "You have to hear this." I don't have a drop of Italian blood, so we're not related, but, after reading her book, Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog, I know we're connected, if only by sisterhood.

When Scottoline starting writing a weekly column called "Chick Wit" for The Philadelphia Inquirer, she wrote it for women I know. She wanted to talk to the kind of women she saw in real life, strong, funny, and feisty; women like her mom, her girlfriends, her daughter, and herself. Her book is dedicated to "Extraordinary ordinary women everywhere." And, she knew we would understand. She knew the strength of women, as Eleanor Roosevelt did. The opening quote in the book is from Roosevelt, show more a favorite quote of Scottoline's. "A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she's in hot water."

Most women will find themselves somewhere in these pages. Scottoline can laugh at herself and her family, and she does it with so much love, that we're willing to laugh at ourselves with her. I discovered that we love the same movie candy in her essay, "Movie Time." And, since my father died a number of years ago, I cried over her column, "I Miss My Father." (I do, too.) Since, I have two kittens, I appreciated her story about her little terror. Any animal lover will appreciate her stories about her dogs. And, I had to laugh when she talked about going for her author photo, saying, "The best fiction in my books is my author photo."

If you've only known Lisa Scottoline from her novels, now you can learn about her life, her family, and her pets. Scottoline is eccentric, passionate about her daughter, concerned about aging and that little extra weight. She's had her rough years, and celebrates her love for her mother and brother. She's proud of her daughter, Francesca, and allows her to share her voice in the book. In other words, Lisa Scottoline is such an excellent columnist that her words hit home where it counts, in the heart.

If you want thoughts that are sometimes funny, and always warm, check out Lisa Scottoline's collection of columns, Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog: The Amazing Adventures of an Ordinary Woman. show less

I'm a big fan of the humorous essay, so I was jazzed to see what Lisa Scottoline would produce. I have to say, I was not impressed. There's not really anything original or funny here: ex husbands, getting caught braless, being annoyed by your parents, dog stories, holiday woes, etc. Yawn. If you want to laugh out loud, try Laurie Notaro instead.