Tim Rowland

Tim Rowland’s Creature Features is a new collection of 75 essays from Rowland's column at Herald-Mail Media in Hagerstown, Maryland. The essays, written between June 2008 and October 2012, are all about the animals Tim and his wife Beth lived with on their "Little Farm by the Creek" in Boonsboro, Maryland.

Rowland writes:
"Will Rogers said he ever met a man he didn’t like; by contrast, my wife Beth and I never met an animal we didn’t like. No question about it, our course is less show more challenging than Mr. R’s. But that doesn’t mean that our souls have not been tried time and time again, and our patience stretched well beyond the breaking point to the regions where it snaps and sends us over top of Mars." Page 11


"So we started with a pair of dairy goats. Or maybe it was the flock of chickens. It all starts to run together at this point. Pretty soon we had an ark-like assembly of about every farm animal that comes to mind. People who collect cars go through the same dynamic, I suppose. After a while the frame of logic shifts from 'Do we need it?' to 'What’s one more?' ” Page 12

"So with this collection of essays, I am letting animals past and present know that I forgive them. I absolve them of their sins, because hopefully some good has come from it, and I can focus on the laughs and entertainment they have provided to both myself and, hopefully, the reader.
Now if only the animals can see their way clear to forgive me. Page 12

Their wide assortment of animals (pets if they have a name, food if they don't) include: Juliet, the Siamese cat; Hannah the bulldog; Opie the Bouvier des Flandres; Magellan the zucchini eating pig, Roosters Stink and Chuckles, Doodlebug the cantankerous miniature horse; Cappy the horse, cows Cleopatra, Heifertiti, and the princesses; goats Hillary and Horsefly; plus horses, donkeys, more goats, llamas, chickens, geese, more pigs, and turkeys.

Some of the essays included in this collection are:
Egyptian royalty takes up residence on farm
Patch makes horse berry upset
Magellan the pig as adventurous as namesake
Ill-fitted pair finds short-term love on the farm
Cats live to make people look foolish
Broody duty has disastrous underpinnings
Rooster that eats stink bugs not for sale at any price
Chuckles the rooster avoids date with death
Goats, pigs compete for overconditioned kudos
This Thanksgiving promises to be the best ever
British invasion brings changes in pig culture
Turkeys go to big garnished platter in the sky
Darwin was wrong: Sometimes it’s “survival of the most pathetic.”
An Elizabethan collar by any other name would be a ‘Happy Hat”

This collection was hilarious. I laughed, hooted, snorted, whooped, chortled, wheezed, sputtered, chuckled, snickered, guffawed, howled... In other words, as I was reading Tim Rowland’s Creature Features, I sounded like I belonged on Tim and Beth Rowland's farm. The stories are short and easy to read, but thoroughly enjoyable and entertaining. The word play Rowland engages in is a great part of what made these short essays so wonderful and satisfying. I wish I could share one of his columns with you, but you'll have to settle for some selected quotes below and read the book.

I'd like to also read Tim Rowland's earlier book, All Pets are Off, which is more about his pets while Creature Features focuses on other animals on the farm.

Very Highly Recommended - I loved this collection! show less

After reading Tim Rowland's Creature Features I purchased his first humorous collection of columns about his pets, All Pets are Off: A Collection of Hairy Columns. This first collection focuses more on his pet cats and dogs, but there are a few columns that expand to the more exotic farm yard animals. I was bound and determined to find the time to read All Pets Are Off and am thrilled that I did.

In the introduction, Tim Rowland writes:
"The cast of characters in this book — in the show more chronological order that they entered my life — include, but are not limited to: Tory and Lacey, two Australian shepherd mixes with good attitudes but bad manners; a black-and-white cat named Bubba, who was given to me with the assurance that it was a mild, “marshmallow kitty,” but turned out to be Satan’s own cat; Jake Biscuit, a Jack Russell terrier and the exception that proves the rule that Jack Russell terriers are smart; Colonel Sanders, a large, indignant and unspeakably uncoordinated Himalayan; Hannah, a sweet but self-doubting bulldog; Juliet, a noisy and opinionated Siamese; and the Bouvier des Flandres named Opie — who best as I can describe him is like Marmaduke, only not as sober. The latter three, along with some of the larger animals that have more recently arrived in my life, are courtesy of my wife Beth, who not only has introduced me to a wide variety of critters, but taught me how to better understand them." (Location 98-106)

"The kind of animals I like are the ones that have been with me all the while, that is to say, uh, spirited. All my pets are indeed off; and I like it that way." (Location 110-112)

Once again Rowland's columns were hilarious and perfect light-hearted entertainment during some rainy summer days.

On dog food:
"We have Mighty Dog: “It makes your dog a Mighty Dog.” These people have never experienced my dogs. If they had they would know a mighty dog is not a good thing. They would want a cautious, reserved dog. They would name their food 'Zombie Dog.'" (Location 282-284)

Concerning a large, clumsy puppy:
"Grace and agility are never strengths in a puppy, but this one took a lack of coordination to new levels. As a matter of fact, he fell over more often than a two-legged bar stool — so much so that for a time we seriously considered naming him “Thud.” (Location 1780-1781)

On his carpentry skills:
"And, long story short, construction is not my strength. I hear carpenters say stuff like “measure twice, cut once,” but that seemed like a lot of bother, so I’d cut twice as much as needed, never measuring at all, on the theory that one piece of stock or another would at least come close to fitting. This always resulted in finished products that were not terribly functional but were unspeakably picturesque." (Location 1872-1876)

Very Highly Recommended! show less

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I enjoy a lot of books throughout the year, but there are only one or two that have me laughing and sharing with my family. Tim Rowland's Creature Features is the one that has started my 2013 off reading schedule with delight.

Life is not boring at Tim Rowland's farm. With unique creatures that have unique personalities, the reader finds themselves watching the stalking of donkeys, the deception of a dog, the difficult amorous adventures of bovines, and geese that will have your sides show more in stitches.

The book is made up of the various column pieces Tim has written about his life. It is not the least bit boring. In fact, you might find the most fun you've ever had in a book. I almost cried over the gender issues of the geese, laughed out loud about the lost bear, and totally lost it over the presidential choice of a dog. I read a section to my fourteen year old son who has asked me to get the print copy so he could steal it from me.

The characters are the best. The animals are so vividly described that you could swear you experienced the attack of the goats and the antics of the pig. Each one is so unique and expressive.

Tim's style of writing is entertaining. He brings in history, politics, entertainment, and so much more into this descriptions of life on his farm. He even taught me a few things. I loved it. I read pieces out loud to my family as his style of writing was perfect for it. It is extremely expressive.

I will be buying the print copy of this book. It has been one of the most delightful reads.

Note: I was provided this book in regard to a book tour with no expectation of a positive review. show less

This book is a series of essays about living with and being owned by one's animals. At least that's how I read them. Being owned by a number of animals myself I completely understand the frustration, love and comedy that arises from the relationship.

Mr. Rowland's essays cover a range of animals from dogs and cats to cows, chickens, goats and more. They are written in an easy, fun to read style that had me oftentimes shaking my head in recognition of the antics of the specific animal starring show more at the moment. I of course, was most fond of the goat stories since my life is somewhat goat-centric but the dog stories were as entertaining and heartwarming.

The book is one to have at hand to read an essay here and there when you have a short burst of time and need a smile. I can see myself reaching for it again and again as a right before bed calm down from more exciting reading. The stories are really a joy. This would make such a wonderful gift for the animal lover in your life. show less